OPEN with everyone working at their desks. It’s almost too quiet and sane, which of course means that Michael is up to something. Sure enough, he emerges from his office with a large sign reading ‘DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON REIGONAL MANAGER MICHAEL SCOTT’ in ungodly large, thick letters. He tapes it to his door and steps back, inspecting it before heading back in. A few of the letters, especially at the end, are pressed together.
JIM TALKING HEAD
Michael found a new toy in this year’s office supply catalog. A magnum-sized Sharpie. The tip is like an inch thick. He hasn’t put it down. At all.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Yep, I ordered a magnum Sharpie from the supply catalog. I want to be able to make a point. I can now make points an inch long. No one can ignore that. And plus it’s a magnum size. When else am I going to be able to order something magnum sized? What else even comes in magnum sizes? Condoms? (beat.) No, I don’t quite need a magnum sized condom. Yet.
PAM walks into Michael’s office with some papers in her hands.
PAM
I need you to sign this.
MICHAEL
Sure thing, Pammy-doo.
HE uncaps the Sharpie and signs on the line. PAM bites her lip and smiles. The signature is more like an over-inked blob.
PAM TALKING HEAD
I think I need to look over Michael’s orders from now on. I don’t want to hinder his creativity in any way, but I think it’s more of a general safety issue.
MICHAEL is in the kitchen with the marker. He fills a dark coffee cup then uncaps the marker and draws on the lid of the mug. ANDY walks in behind him and MICHAEL quickly turns and hands him the mug.
MICHAEL
Here you go. Fresh for Mr Bernard.
ANDY seems grateful and surprised by the gesture.
ANDY (false British accent at the end)
Why thank you, Mr Scott.
HE takes a sip as MICHAEL stifles a laugh. HE grimaces as he pulls the cup away, two black Joker-eque lines running from the corners of his mouth. MICHAEL bursts out laughing.
ANDY TALKING HEAD (With the lines on his face)
Do I look like I’m smiling? That was NOT COOL.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
Do I think Michael’s marker is a safety issue? I think it is an effective way to spread news around the office and Michael seems to be enjoying himself. However those maker fumes are potent and extremely flammable. Fire and this office do not get along.
JIM walks into Michael’s OFFICE. The lights are off and MICHAEL is laying on his desk.
JIM
You okay?
MICHAEL
Can you give me a minute please, Jim? I have a massive headache.
JIM (wrinkling his nose, the fumes are bad in here.)
Probably from that marker, huh?
MICHAEL
No, not from the marker. Just… I don’t know. It had some warning on the label.
JIM
You didn’t read the label?
MICHAEL
I drew all over the label.
MICHAEL TALKING HEADH (still on his desk, whispering)
There was something about using the marker in a well-ventilated area on the label. There’s a warning like that on everything. I guess this time they meant it. (beat.)
Are the ceiling tiles supposed to be spinning?
THEME
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
The American Red Cross is coming today to collect blood. They are a legal vampire of sorts. A Nosferatu in a white coat. And I am making everyone go be bitten by this vampire. Because everyone wants to be a hero. And it’s not every day that someone gets this chance to be a hero. People don’t keel over having heart attacks that need CPR every day. Not everyone gets to win all the gold medals in the Olympics every day. So today is our day to be a hero. Today we will save lives and be bitten by volunteer vampires.
INT OFFICE: DWIGHT stands in front of reception holds a clipboard high above his head. HE has to clear his throat twice in order to get everyone’s attention.
DWIGHT
Attention everyone! Here is a clipboard. On it are slots for each of you to sign up for a time to donate your blood. Everyone must go donate today- Michael’s orders. It takes an average of twenty-seven minutes to donate, so all of you will have that time deducted from your lunch break. Be sure to sign up within the next six minutes. That is all.
MICHAEL
(jogging over from his office)
Let me be the first to sign!
HE looks over the clipboard, murmuring to himself.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
Michael wants us all to donate blood. I find it a very noble act, and I will be the first to donate. I’m not afraid of needles. I welcome needles.
TOBY TALKING HEAD
I kinda like Michael’s idea to make everyone donate. It’s a good thing to do and yeah, it can save lives. I want to be able to tell Sasha I’m a hero. And I can. And I can tell her that her mother isn’t a hero, either.
(He smiles sheepishly to himself)
Sasha’s gonna be so proud. But yeah, I’ll feel good too.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
I don’t like donating blood. They never pay me. I tried to bet an organ once, but the website couldn’t take it.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
I’ve donated blood before. They always make me take a breathalyzer test before I can donate. And they’ve let me donate. That one time.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
I find it outrageous that Red Cross blood donation is only available to humans. I prefer the feline blood donation center out in Oregon.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
Blood donation is a habit of mine. If there was one thing I learned at Cornell, it was giving back to the less fortunate. When I was there I’d always double. Took me an hour. I pulled off the bandage and had them take more blood from the other arm. I’d be dizzy for hours afterwards. But it was so worth it.
KELLEY TALKING HEAD
I hate needles. And I hate blood. But Ryan’s not going to do it, so now’s my chance to be more charitable than Ryan. And when he gets back, I’ll be like ‘dude, I saved people while you were away. Took me ten minutes. What did you do out in Thailand for three months? Pass out on the beach? Fall on your ass surfing? Yeah, I thought so.’
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD
Bob and I donated together last year. We’re going to do the same thing this year. It’s nice to give back. Even after we got back from Africa.
CREED TALKING HEAD
They want blood?
(holds up a gallon size ziplock bag filled with a red liquid.)
I’m all set.
MICHEAL is still pacing in front of reception with the sign up clipboard.
MICHAEL
Hmm, I don’t want to go during my lunch break… I wonder if there’s an optimal time to donate, y’know, like when a girl’s trying to get pregnant- Hey Pam?
PAM
I don’t think you need to worry about that, Michael.
MICHAEL
Yeah, you’re right. Do you?
PAM
Do I what?
MICHAEL
(hesitant; she should know what he’s talking about)
Need to worry about, y’know, your optimal time to get, y’know…
PAM
(after a sigh)
No, Michael.
MICHAEL looks from HER to JIM, who is watching them with his chin on his fist and eyebrows raised.
MICHAEL
Do you want her to worry about…
JIM
Not really important. When are you donating blood?
MICHEAL
Ah, yes. I’ll go in the afternoon, right after I meet that new client.
HE scribbles on one of the lower lines on the clipboard and hands it to Pam. She gives JIM a pained but thankful look before writing her name.
PAM TALKING HEAD
If Jim and I were worrying about… that… we wouldn’t tell Michael. (beat.) Or you guys. Sorry, but that’s… too much.
JIM TALKING HEAD
Pam and I haven’t really talked about kids but we’re definitely getting married first. But we made a pretty big decision this weekend, and well, we’re going to get a dog.
INT OFFICE: JIM is standing behind PAM at reception, both of them looking at the computer screen. They are on the local animal shelter’s website, scrolling through dog pictures.
PAM
This one’s cute. You want a little dog don’t you?
JIM
(gives the screen a surprised look)
Is that a dog or a dust mop?
PAM
(grimaces)
Yeah, he is a little too fluffy.
PAM TALKING HEAD
One of the nice things about owning a house is that we can do basically whatever we want. Like paint the walls different colors. And attack the living room walls with a crowbar to get the paneling off. And now we can get a dog. It’s kind of a cool feeling.
INT MICHAEL’S OFFICE: MICHAEL is reading through some papers when the phone beeps.
PAM (through speaker)
Michael, the new client is on the phone.
MICHAEL
Thank you, Pamgaroo. Pamgaroo Jack. Pamgaroo Jim.
PAM audibly sighs.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
We have a potential new client! Speedway Management, Inc., who own a bunch of NASCAR tracks. It’s a big chance for us to get an exclusive deal and I’ll get the commission. It’s big sale, so I’m the one need to take care of it. But I don’t want to sound like an idiot, so I’m doing some research.
(fake southern accent)
Don’t wanna lose no more clien’s. Y’all come back, alri’?
(laughs.)
INT MICHAEL’S OFFICE MICHAEL is looking at NASCAR.com.
MICHAEL
Hello, Ms. Jennifer O’Brien!
JENNIFER
(on speakerphone)
Hello, Mr. Scott.
MICHAEL
You aren’t related to Conan O’Brien, are you?
JENNIFER
(laughs) No, sir.
MICHAEL
Just checking. Have you gotten the proposal yet?
JENNIFER
Yessir. My boss said it looked good, but we’ve got a few more questions and some specifics to go over this afternoon.
MICHAEL
Our door is open. By the way, do you want to donate blood?
JENNIFER
I donated last month. Are y’all having a drive?
MICHAEL
That w’all are, and wow, good for you.
JENNIFER
Thank you.
MICHAEL
Now, Jennifer, uh, can I ask you a few questions?
JENNIFER
Uh… yeah, sure.
MICHAEL
Who’s your favorite NASCAR driver?
JENNIFER
(laughs.) Depends. Are you a Kyle Busch fan?
MICHAEL
Should I be?
JENNIFER
Well, I’m a Dale Jr fan, so…
MICHAEL
(does some frantic clicking, looking for a “good” driver’s name)
I like Jeff Gordon.
JENNIFER
Gordon’s alright. Surprised the hell out of me last year when he didn’t win.
MICHAEL
Yeah, uh, that was weird.
JENNIFER
Li’ something out of the Twilight Zone. Well, I’ll see you around one o’clock, Mr Scott. Thank you for seeing me.
MICHAEL
No, thank you. I’ll see you at one. ‘Bye.
There is a click as JENNIFER hangs up. MICHAEL starts to frantically type.
INT MICHAEL’s OFFICE: DWIGHT is now standing next to MICHAEL, who is reclined in his chair.
MICHAEL
What do you know about Jeff Gordon?
DWIGHT
Very small stature for his skill level. I’m actually surprised a man his size can maneuver a vehicle so well.
MICHAEL
So he’s a midget?
DWIGHT
No, he’s just a few inches shorter tan the average human male. Maybe five- eight, five-seven.
MICHAEL
I’m five-eight… and a half.
DWIGHT
Yes, but you’re not maneuvering a vehicle at a hundred and eighty miles an hour every weekend. You sell paper and manage this branch, which takes considerably more brainpower.
MICHAEL
So, he’s an idiot?
DWIGHT
No, but your IQ is probably fifteen points higher. His hand-eye coordination should far surpass yours, and his refluxes are-
MICHAEL
Shut up, Dwight. Don’t you need to go donate anyway?
DWIGHT checks his watch.
DWIGHT
That I do.
(rushes out)
INT DONATION CENTER: DWIGHT is sitting behind one of the cardboard barriers. He pokes it and it almost falls. A VOLUNTERR walks over and he hands her a packet.
DWIGHT
All my current medical information. My blood pressure is a steady 120/79 and my pulse is-
(he puts two fingers under his jaw and looks down at his watch for ten seconds)
72 beats per minute.
The VOLUNTEER stares.
VOLUNTEER
I still need to prick your finger. And unfortunately you need to answer all the questions on the computer.
DWIGHT
Your addiction to that device will be your downfall.
(He holds out a finger)
BLACK