It was the first time I'd gone to a bar in over a month. Saturday nights were usually spent renting a movie, drawing, and going to bed by 10:30. If it hadn't been my best friend, Jessie's, birthday, I probably would've continued my usual routine. I felt like getting dressed up for once that night. I put on some evening make-up, a short red dress, and black Christian Louboutin shoes, the only expensive thing I owned. There was an 80s cover band at the bar that night. I remember them playing "Because the Night" by Patti Smith when I first saw him. Jim Halpert. He looked different. His hair was shorter and gelled for once. He looked like he'd been working out. The last time I saw him was nearly 2 years ago, on the day I moved out of our house. I recognized him because he was wearing a blue, button down shirt I bought him. He always looked great in blue. He walked up to the bar and ordered a Miller Lite, while I tried my best to avoid his line of vision. I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I turned around to my group and joined in on the conversation, stirring my vodka tonic. I turned around to see him join a group of people. I recognized Mark, his old roommate, but the others were strangers. I remember him looking happy, like he belonged.

I managed to avoid eye contact for nearly half an hour. When our eyes finally met, he walked over to me from the other side of the bar. I turned to order another drink, hoping he'd avoid me.

"Pam Beesley", he said to me with a smile. I turned to him, praying I still looked as good as I did when I left the house.

“Jim Halpert. How are you?” I went in for an awkward hug. I don’t remember what we talked about in that oh so brief 4 minutes, but I remember feeling like I was 16 and talking to a boy for the first time again. He told me that it was good seeing me again, and kissed my cheek before heading back over to his group of friends. I felt his lips on my cheek for the next hour. I continued to drink him away, hoping to forget his presence. Old memories started rushing back into my brain. I wanted to walk over to him and tell him that I’d made a mistake leaving him. I wanted to tell him that he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t mean a word I said the night I broke things off. I wanted to tell him everything I’d been holding back for 2 years, but I didn’t. I just watched him from the other side of the room. He had his arm around the hips of a wispy, blonde 20-something exactly the way he used to hold me. Although his appearance had changed, his mannerisms hadn’t. I could tell he didn’t know her that well. I watched him whisper into her ear, and take her hand. On the way out the door, our eyes met yet again for a slit second. He gave me the same look he gave me the day I left him. The entire world disappeared, and all I could see was him in my rear view mirror on that day, looking bruised and broken. I ordered 3 shots of whiskey and made an excuse to leave the bar. I took a detour on the way home so I could drive past the house that used to be ours. His car was in the driveway and his lights were off. I imagined him making love to the blonde the way he used to make love to me. I sat outside his house for what seemed like an eternity, until it hurt too much to stay. When I finally got home, I threw my clothes off and got into bed. The night was silent and cold.  I drifted to sleep and dreamt of the life I could’ve had with Jim. The life I should’ve had.

     It was a usual Saturday night for me. I met up with Mark & Rob for a few drinks at the Sweet Spot. Mark’s sister, Katie, and a few of her friends were joining us. They were all in their early 20s & too young for me, but they were still nice to look at. I was running late as usual. We were all supposed to meet at 10, but I didn’t leave my house until 10:30. By the time I got there, it was almost 11. I walked past the doorman, feeling old when he didn’t ask me for my driver’s license. I spotted Mark as soon as I walked in & decided to get a beer before joining the group. On my way up to the bar, I saw Pam. Her back was to me, but I could still tell it was her. Her hair was straight except for a tiny part on the right side. It was so tiny that you wouldn’t notice it unless you were looking for it. I remember her spending hours in the bathroom trying to get that little part hair to straighten out. I was pretty sure she didn’t see me. I didn’t want her too. I didn’t look like myself. I’d gotten a terrible haircut 3 days earlier, and I’d recently developed a daily workout routine so I wasn’t as scrawny as I was the last time we saw each other. I was also wearing a shirt she bought for me our last Christmas together. I knew I was bound to run into her sometime, but I didn’t want to be wearing something she gave me when our paths crossed again. I got my beer & moved quickly towards the group, almost sprinting. I acted like she wasn’t there. If she wasn’t there, then I didn’t have to say “hello” or anything. I still couldn’t help looking in her general direction every 5 minutes or so. She was so beautiful. She was wearing the red dress she wore our second new year’s eve together. I always loved how she looked in that dress. I was praying she wasn’t with someone. There’s nothing worse than seeing your ex-fiancé, whom you’ll always be even a little bit in love with, with another man. After a half hour of glancing in her direction, Mark pulled me aside.

     “Dude. Just go over there and say ‘hi’,” he told me. I nodded my head and moved at a snail’s pace in Pam’s direction. She looked right at me for a split second then turned to get the bartender’s attention. She definitely saw me. I had no choice but to go over there.

     “Pam Beesely,” I said to her, smiling like an idiot.

     “Jim Halpert. How are you?” she responded. I gave her one of those weird one-armed hugs, which she surprisingly returned.

     “I’m doing pretty okay. How are you?”

     “Um. Fine.” She could barely look at me.

     “So what brings you out tonight?”

     “It’s Jessie’s birthday. You remember my friend, Jessie, right?”

     “Oh yeah. Sure. Tell her ‘happy birthday’ for me. I’m just here with Mark and some other friends.”

     “Oh. That’s nice. I heard you got Michael’s job. Congratulations.”

     “Yeah. Thanks. I was surprised I didn’t see you at his retirement party.”

     “I was out of town that weekend. For a wedding. I really wanted to go though.” She was lying. I could always tell when she was lying.

     “Well Michael sure missed you.” She laughed. I missed her laugh, “I better get back. It was good seeing you, Pam.”

     “You, too.” She leaned in for another hug and I kissed her cheek as we separated. Her skin was so soft. Mark had filled the rest of the group in on Pam while I was gone.

     “So that’s Pam?” Katie asked. “She’s beautiful.”

     “Yeah,” was all I could say.

     “Put your arm around my waist.”

     “What?”

     “You’re seeing the woman you were supposed to marry for the first time since you broke up. You want her to think you’re okay, don’t you? So just put your arm around my waist, Jim.” I obliged. Katie was right. It was almost 2 years to the date since Pam left me. I wasn’t okay. I was completely lost and miserable without her. I wanted to go beg her to come home and give me another chance. Having her in my arms again was the only thing that would erase the image of her car driving away. I couldn’t stay anymore. It hurt to be where she was.

     “I’m gonna take off,” I leaned over & whispered into Katie’s ear.

     “Ok. Mind giving me a ride home? I wanna be there when my boyfriend gets home from work.”

     “Sure. No problem. It’s on my way anyways.” I said good bye to everyone and made my way for the door. Katie held my hand on the way out the door. I knew Pam was looking. My eyes met hers on the way out the door, begging her to stop me from leaving with, to her knowledge, another woman. But she didn’t. She just turned back to her group like she never saw me. I dropped Katie off at her apartment and thanked her for helping me out.

     “You’re gonna be okay, Jim,” she told me. Her tone was so sincere, I almost believed her. I pulled my car into the driveway & walked into my empty house. I didn’t waste anytime getting ready for bed. I crawled in on the right side of my queen sized mattress. The last thing I thought of before I fell asleep was how pathetic I was. It’d been 2 years & I still couldn’t sleep on her side of the bed.