Pam stared at the tiny clock at the bottom of her computer in disbelief. How could it be only 9.15am? Seriously, like how? It seemed like she had already been sitting on this ridiculously uncomfortable chair for hours. It felt as if she had been trying to avoid staring at the back of Jim’s neck for days, yet she had been in the office less than an hour. Time always dragged at Dunder Mifflin, but lately Pam felt as if it not only dragged but it had just stopped moving. Like she had been feeling this way for eternity. Like she had always spent her days with a sickness at the pit of her stomach that refused to go away. Like there was never a life before her feelings for him and there would never be one afterwards. She was here. It was now. There was nothing else to know.

She watched as Michael came out of the office and headed for a desk. "Pamela, messages please, ASAP and a coffee, make that a decaf... I’m trying to make it until the PM without caffeine. Jan thinks, well anyway... "
"err," she stumbled, "there are no messages and I don’t make you coffee Michael we went over this like a hundred times? After you kept asking me to get you steak for lunch, remember?"
"No messages for moi? Not even from Jan? Which reminds me she is coming in to say hi later, can you make sure you bring my, uh messages for me in then? All of them, say at least five, If I uh have that many messages in that time, which I will, I mean probably more..."
Pam sighed and shut her eyes.. So this was life. Making up messages for her insane boss so he could look good in front of his girlfriend, who as it goes is actually insane. At least he has someone thought Pam and inwardly recoiled. She was jealous. Of Michael Scott. How do you come back from that?

"... I am one of the top business men in Scranton.. everyone wants a piece of Mr Scott, I am kind of like a helper, almost a charity worker really, that’s how I see myself, you know bringing people the gift of paper, giving my staff the gift of laughter.... don’t you think? Pam? Pam?"
Pam couldn’t believe Michael was still talking and that she had just shut her eyes in front of the whole office to drown him out. That was kind of embarrassing. Even Jim had turned around to give her an inquisitive look.
"Yes,messages got it, now if you don’t mind I’ve really got to get on, I have uh a ton of paper to shred so."
"Oh my god Pamela you are so boring!’ Micheal said as he backed away from the desk, I am going to find someone much cooler to hang out with whilst you do WORK." He practically spat the last word out.

The phone rang and it was Jan. Pam had never been so grateful in her life to transfer the call and see Michael shut the door.

Suddenly her computer pinged with a new email:
From:Jim@salesscranton.dm.com
To:Pam@receptionscranton.dm.com
Subject:Hey
Know it is none of my business but are you ok?

Pam sighed. Where did she begin? She hit the reply button and began to type:

From: Pam@receptionscranton.dm.com
To: Jim@salesscranton.dm.com
Subject:Re:Hey
Let me see am I ok? I have a job that I hate, I live in a stupidly small apartment which still feels too big because I am by myself, the only thing I have is my art, but that just makes me sadder, because nobody, except you even cared that I won an art contest, and most of all I’m lonely. I’m lonely because I wanted to be independent and although I’d never go back to Roy, I feel like I have no one and before I was never lonely, because at least I had you, even if I didn’t have you in that way. Now every night I go to sleep and think about how I blew it. I blew it because I can’t do this by myself, I can’t do this without you.

Pam sighed, wondering how she had managed to precisely pin point her feelings in just a few lines. She was never going to send it, but it felt good, seeing it there, in black and white. A manifestation of the months that had passed.

"Pamela...can I see you for a second?" boomed Michael. Pam jumped and quickly clicked the screen, then made her way to his office, blushing almost as if Michael knew what she was doing.

If she had waited she might have noticed the message that popped up on the sceen a second later. The sent email confirmation. But she was already closing the door behind her by then.

After twenty minutes of being probed by Michael for relationship advice, Pam finally made it back to her reception desk. She felt marginally better. Sure she might die alone, but at least, well at least she wasn’t Jan and Michael. She shivered briefly at the thought. She was ready to numb her mind with a little solitaire. Whatever made the day go quicker.

After five games of mindsweep (she had quickly gotten frustrated at being dealt crappy hands in Solitaire), Pam was still bored. She glanced at her inbox and clicked on Jim’s email again. Staring. Willing it be different. Willing it to declare his love for her and take the pain away. She was just about to close it when she noticed something at the top of the email in bold lettering: You replied at 09.35am.
Her hand shook, making an abrupt clattering sound against her mouse. Reply? She didn’t reply! She had clicked the screen off she was sure of it. She desperately tried to steady her hand as she clicked on sent items and there it was, right at the top of the list:
From: Pam@receptionscranton.dm.com
To: Jim@salesscranton.dm.com
Subject Re: Hey
Let me see am I ok? I have a job that I hate, I live in a stupidly small apartment which still feels too big because I am by myself, the only thing I have is my art, but that just makes me sadder, because nobody, except you even cared that I won an art contest, and most of all I’m lonely. I’m lonely because I wanted to be independent and although I’d never go back to Roy, I feel like I have no one and before I was never lonely, because at least I had you, even if I didn’t have you in that way. Now every night I go to bed and think I blew it. I blew it because I can’t do this by myself, I can’t do this without you.
Panic filled her chest. She didn’t dare to look up. To see if he had seen it. She closed her eyes. Willing it to go away. Willing to be someplace different. Anywhere but here. After a few more minutes she finally jerked her head up towards his desk and... Nothing. It was empty. Jim was no where to be seen.

Relief waved over her. But it was only temporary. Questions raced through her mind without control. How long had he been gone? Had he been there when she had gone to see Michael? Had he seen it and then left? Why was this happening? It was the sort of corny thing that happened in films as a dramatic plot device, not in real life! Not in her life.

Her heart sunk at the thought having to speak to Karen, but she needed to know if and when Jim was coming back today.
She tried desperately to make her voice sound natural as she asked, “ Uh hey Karen, where’s Jim?”
Karen glared back at her “sales call, went a while ago. Why?”
“Err, no reason. I just have a bunch of messages for him.”

Pam tried to distract herself. It seemed she was in the clear for now. But for how long? She played a little more mindsweep. She tidied the desk. She added some more jellybeans to the counter. She even sent some faxes for Dwight. Every second she was thinking about it. She felt stuck between past and future. She was in the present. Waiting. Waiting for everything to tumble down again.

When Dwight had been in Michael’s office five minutes she casually sauntered over to Jim’s desk, in guise of leaving him a message. She talked loudly to no-one in particular. “Oh is Jim not here, I’ll just leave this message on his desk and...’” She turned around, no-one was even looking at her. Not even Karen who probably thought she was deranged, with the whole talking to herself and all. Her plan was to somehow had delete the message from Jim’s computer. Well it was worth a shot. Right?

She clicked on the screen to bring the computer to life. Praying no one would notice what she was doing.
A message flashed on the screen. Computer locked by J Halpert. She didn’t even think of that, who locks their computer anyways? Then again he did sit opposite Dwight. She had no choice but to go back to her desk. There didn’t seem another way out.

As Pam went back to her own (unlocked) computer, she noticed that her sister Jenna had left a message on her IM. Pam groaned, her sister was, well she meant well, but she was kind of flighty. She reminded her of Kelly and was constantly moaning that Pam needed to get ‘hotter clothes.’ Pam hovered over the reply button. Technically she wasn’t supposed to use IM for personal reasons at work. But then again, she was pretty sure sending a declaration of love via work email to your colleague was not appropriate either. Nor was being grilled by your boss on dating techniques come to think of it. What had she got to lose?

JENNA: Hi big sis how’s it going up in Scranton?
PAM: Well I just sent Jim an email and now I can’t get it back.
JENNA: Yay! Good for you to start talking to him :)Whatcha say?
PAM: Let me see, that I hate my life, I’m lonely, I can’t be without him. Etc.
JENNA: OMG! Well see I just meant you know to be friends again. That’s sounds like a bit crazy Pam! Not cool! OMG I would so never do that!
PAM: I know it sounds crazy! I didn’t mean to send it! Obviously! And now he’ll think I am a complete psycho. I tried to get into email but it’s locked because he’s on a sales call, so I am pretty much screwed. Oh and I almost fell asleep earlier when talking to my boss. So yeah fun day!
JENNA: Well you know it’s not the end of the world, at least then he’ll know how you feel. Then you guys can get married and have babies! OMG Can I be bridesmaid! I’ll wear anything except pink, because I dyed my hair red yesterday and it would totally clash!
PAM: Errr... anyway this is so not the appropriate medium to tell how I feel! Help!
JEN: Well, why not? He obviously feels the same. You can tell the story at the wedding! It’ll be fun!
PAM: Well he’s with Karen now!
JENNA: I know, and she’s quite hot, but seriously, it’s just like when he was with Katy in Booze Cruise. Remember? Sure she was mega pretty, but he loved you!
PAM: How do you even know what Katy looks like? You’ve never met her! Did I even tell you about when we went on that Booze Cruise?
JENNA: Do you forget that your show airs like every week? It was repeated last week! It was so much fun to watch. You know you were both silent on the dock for exactly twenty seven seconds! I counted. Twice!
PAM: Yeah well if you watched the show recently then you would have probably seen him turn me down for coffee and tell me that he has a GIRLFRIEND!
S: That was less fun to watch :(
P: Yeah.
JENNA: Pam, seriously though he loves you! Did you not see at Christmas time when Roy gave you that present and he was totally jealous, he did the face and everything and you were wearing that cute red sweater. That was way cute, where did you get that from by the way?
PAM: Er, Target. He was jealous, of what? Can we get back to the fact that THE EMAIL IS STILL ON THE COMPUTER AND JIM IS STILL ON THE SALES CALL! Shall we get back to that?
JENNA: Look Pam. All of these ‘problems’ about you and Jim are in all your head. Jim still loves you FACT. You love him like double FACT. You just need to speak to him, and tell him how you feel. I mean if you watch your own show occasionally then you might know that.
PAM: I asked him for coffee. I put myself out there once, like he put himself out there once. We’re even.
JENNA: Twice.
PAM: What?
JENNA: He put himself out there twice Pam. Once when he did the whole ‘ooh I love you’ and you were like all ‘ooh lets be friends even though I think your way hot.’ But then he came back and kissed you! See that makes twice!
PAM: That counts as once!
JENNA. He told Michael twice, at the convention.
PAM: How do you know?
JENNA: Oh my god Pam! Like the TV show! Also on youtube, under ‘Jim tells Michael why he left Stamford.’ What a waste, you could totally spy on him and you haven’t even looked! He said ‘I put myself out there twice and she still said no.’
JENNA: So that makes you 2-1.
PAM: I just need to get the email of f the computer!
JENNA: Yeah I don’t know how to do that though! Why don’t you go shopping during lunch?
PAM: Why?
JENNA: Well at least you’ll look hot when he reads the email!
PAM: Yeah speak to you soon Jenna.
JENNA: Byee! Keep me updated with the gossip! I am so going to tell my roommate, she loves JAM!
Pam sighed. Her sister was strange! Totally ignoring the situation and rambling on about her roommates favourite condiment! That really hadn’t helped her at all. She still didn’t know what to do next, but then again there didn’t seem to be anything she could do. Now.

Her heart almost stopped as she saw Jim striding through the door.

So there he was. Standing there. Tall. Lanky. Gorgeous. Her everything except now there was nothing.

She had to do something. Like distract him until the end of the day. She glanced at the computer screen, so it was nearly 11.00. So she had to keep him away from her computer for six whole hours. Yeah that was not going to happen.

Karen stood up from her desk to embrace him. “Hey you, how was the call?”
“Yeah made the sale,” he grinned.
She held him closer, “Coffee?”
“Sure let me just check my email.”
Pam’s throat began to tighten.
“Jim just come on,” she tugged at his tie, “I need coffee like now. Michael actually asked me to give him dating advice and went into way too much detail. That Jan, she is actually kind of crazy. Take pity on me and take me away before he starts up again”
Jim relented and took her hand as they walked out the door. Pam had never been so happy to see Jim leave with Karen. This was a pretty crazy day.

*****************
Jim grinned as Karen put her no fat, soya latte in front of them, as well as a regular coffee for Jim.
“How can you even drink that?” he grimaced, “it’s just air!”
“Well at least I don’t add cinnamon sprinkles to like everything. Who does that?”
Jim tried not to change his expression as he replied, "I like it that’s all." His voice felt shakey, which was ridiculous. How could Karen guess that he only started doing that after going for coffee with Pam? Even she couldn’t imagine he was that pathetic. But the cinnamon became a symbol. For everything that was right when he and Pam went on the morning coffee run. For everything that was wrong when she wasn’t there anymore. Plus it actually tasted pretty good.

“You know Pam was asking about you today.”
“Huh?” Jim sensed the tension in Karen’s voice. He knew where this was going. Another one of those discussions. They were the only discussions they had lately.
"She asked where you were? Earlier. Like why did she need to know?"
Jim shrugged. “What are you doing?” His eyes locked hers. They were pleading. Pleading with her not to do this. Not now. He didn’t know what he would say. “ I mean, what do you expect me to say to that?” He winced as the words came out of his mouth. Everything came flooding back to him. That night. The words began to jumble.

“I want you to say something, to do something. To be something other than what you are. Because I can’t. I can’t do this by myself.” She grabbed his hand. She seemed to be pleading too. Pleading for him to say the right thing. To do the right thing. “The point is that you want this to be different. Something other than it is. I realised I can’t be somebody else. I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m not her.”
There was the word again. Can’t. Of course it could be used in a million ways. But here he was again. A girl was telling him “I can’t.” And he was about to turn around and lie and this time pretend that he could. “I want...” Jim faltered. Could he do it? Could he really stare at Karen and pretend it was real.
“I want to want you. I do Karen. It’s just...”
“Your lost for words? Well try ‘I love her, I don’t love you’ or ‘ It’s over.’ Or how about ‘none of this was ever anything that meant anything to me’ Huh?”
“I don’t know” he stumbled “I just don’t what you expect me to say to that” he repeated.
“Yeah you said that already,” said Karen as she stood up and grabbed her bag, “and so did she.”

Today seemed to Pam to be all about time. It was 09.15 when she decided she had almost given up on the insufferable day. It was 09.35 when she had clicked the send button my mistake, quickly turning her feelings of boredom into panic and fear. It was 11.00am when Jim walked through the door and she felt that pain deep in her stomach that she couldn’t shift lately. And now it was 14.30. Pam had checked her computer clock 42 times. She had also managed to write the words DONT PANIC on her notebook 36 times, sometimes accompanied by the appropriate doodle. She had managed to feel panic,regret,fear and nauseous every second so far, expect for the five minutes in which Michael came out to ask her to order ‘Stand up to your woman: The complete idiots guide to becoming a more assertive male’ for him from Amazon. This made her feel, well, it just made her feel a little better, actually. For a brief minute.

Jim’s desk was still empty. Karen’s desk was still empty. And Pam’s throat still seemed to tighten anytime the door swung open. She idly clicked her pen in thought. Where were they? Even Michael had noticed when ‘Jimbo’ wasn’t around at lunch time. This was not like him. It was none of her business, she knew that. The clicking became more furious. It used to be her business, she thought. It used to be Jim and Pam and now it was... well Jim and Karen with Pam just as an observer. Watching from the outside. She wondered if Roy had ever felt like that when she Jim was goofing about. She doubted it.


The sound of Michael’s hand riffling through the jellybean jar pulled Pam out of her thoughts. “Pam will you grab some coffee, decaf, no screw it, full caff! She’s not the boss of me.”

Pam rolled her eyes, thinking back to their earlier conversation. “Err Michael, remember...” She stopped. Here was Michael giving her a perfectly logical reason to spy on Jim and Karen. All she had to do was go grab the coffee and if he was there well.... Well she could worry about that if was there.

“and you can check on Jimbo whilst you’re at it. Tell him he needs to haul his slacker ass back here! No excuses! Bosses order now Pamela.”

Pamela simply nodded and gathered her things quickly, trepidation rising in her stomach.

It had taken twenty minutes of compiling everyone’s order before Pam had finally reached the coffee house. She didn’t know what to expect. She had told herself firmly not to think about him, she was just getting coffee, but she saw him as soon as she walked through the door.
He was sitting alone, nursing an empty coffee cup. His figure was hunched and he was staring into the distance. His eyes were vacant and unreadable. She wondered if his eyes had become harder to read or if she just didn’t know how to anymore. Either way it didn’t look like he wanted to have company. She’d just grab the coffees and go. This could wait until....well she could think about that when she got back to the office.

Suddenly his voice interrupted her thoughts. “Pam?”

One word. That was all it took. Three hours later they were still here. Another two coffees with cinnamon sprinkles in front of them. Thoughts of the office were long gone. They had talked about coffee, they had talked about Stamford, they had talked about pranking Andy and they had planned several more pranks for Dwight.

They hadn’t talked about Karen.

It seemed perfect.

“So,” asked Jim, his hands fiddling his coffee cup, “what’s it like being Miss independent?”
She shrugged.

There was silence. She wanted to tell him she just wanted him. She wanted to tell him how it wasn’t about being alone it was just about being away from Roy. She wanted to tell him it pretty much sucked.

“What’s it like dating Karen?”

He looked at her in silence. He wanted to tell her he wasn’t anymore. He wanted to tell her it wasn’t about being with Karen it was about being with someone other than her. He wanted to tell her it pretty much sucked.
The seconds mounted before Pam realised. This was what Jenna was talking about. The silence. She knew that this time it was hers to stop it but she couldn’t. Today had been perfect and she couldn’t risk ruining it again. She never thought they’d get back here. Laughing. Joking. But they had. She knew she was blowing it again. She knew she would regret it. But she also knew that today was perfect, just as a moment. It would always exist. She needed that moment to stay as it was. She needed just something to be perfect.

Jim bit his bottom lip. Waiting. Waiting for her to interrupt the silence. Waiting for her to bring things crashing down. He couldn’t wait. Not this time.

“I think, uh I think our coffees gonna get cold.”

Pam laughed, “yeah can’t have that, I mean we’ve only had like five already so...”

They stayed. They had more coffee. They laughed.

She thought it was almost perfect.

He thought it was almost perfect.

Except for the fact that when they parted, they were back to sitting by themselves. Just as lonely as ever.

As she went to sleep that night Pam had forgotten all about Michael’s coffee.

Not to mention the email that was sitting in Jim’s inbox, still waiting to be read.

Pam stared at the blank canvas that loomed in front of her. She picked up her paintbrush gingerly, only to put it down a second later. Pam had been going through this routine since early this morning. Coffee in one hand and bagel in the other, she had stared desperately trying to find the right thing to paint.
So far she had not managed a single stroke.

Today should be a good day. It was Saturday. Jim had called in sick yesterday so her secret email was still a secret. Karen had turned up to work. She spent three hours glaring at Pam, waiting for Michael to come back from a meeting at Chillis. She spent five minutes explaining her reasons to Michael and calmly stepping out of his office when the wailing started. And thirty seconds to pack her things and walk out the door.

And that, it seemed, was the end of Karen.

Questions had raced in Pam’s mind, long after Karen’s departure. She had worked out that Jim and Karen had broken up before she met him at the coffee house. But why hadn’t he told her? She had asked him outright and he had responded with silence. Then she thought back to the email. Did she even want it to be a secret anymore? Part of her just wanted the truth. For everything to be out in the open.

As she washed her brush under the tiny sink in her bedroom, Pam winced as memories of the night he had told her flooded back. The night everything was out in the open.

Roy had gone out with the warehouse workers so Jim had taken her for a Pizza. The pizza wasn’t that great but they had laughed for hours. She remembered the time they spent in the parking lot afterwards. Both not really knowing what to do next. Both wanting to carry on talking. Her eyes were shining when she turned the key in the lock that night and she had ran straight to the canvas she kept in the corner of the living room.

Her brush had painted bold, bright brushstrokes. A mixture of colours splashed across the canvas. It was like nothing she had ever painted before. She thought it looked a lot like happiness.

She was going to show him. She wanted him to see it, to see something. She wanted him to see what it meant, she wanted him to see what he meant. But then he had told her, no hints, no clues, he had told her outright that he loved her. She had said no. He had kissed her. She had said no again. He left.

When she had arrived home that night, she had gone straight to her canvas. Picked up a brush and painted the whole canvas red. Desperate to erase the bold brush strokes of the previous evening. Desperate to erase what it meant.

So she was here again. This time she couldn’t help but think that the white, blank canvas resembled her and Jim. They had fought to get things back to how they were, but looking back to yesterday, things were far from perfect. They were stuck in neutral, both scared to take a risk. To do something bold. Was it her turn?

As she moved towards the kitchen, thought back to Jenna’s words Was it her turn to do something? She noticed her laptop open on the kitchen counter and quickly searched for youtube. Her stomach lurched as she typed in ‘Jim tells Michael why he left Scranton.’ Was she really doing this? 455 links appeared on the screen and she quickly clicked on the first one.

She could see the pain in his face almost immediately. She could hear the hurt in his voice when he told Michael he knew about the cancelled wedding. She could tell he wanted to add ‘and she still didn’t call.’

Seeing the pain etched in his eyes made it real. Pam slowly shut the laptop and walked out of the kitchen, a small smile on her lips.

She knew what she had to do.

Ever since she has made her decision, Pam could think of nothing else. She was utterly absorbed.

She was finally acting without thinking, without doubt, without second guesses and the result was an explosion of colour on the previously blank canvas.

She had begun to paint several hours earlier and it was only now that she could see it was taking shape. It reminded her of the new Pam. It reminded her of independence. But yet, at the same time, it mostly reminded her of him.

She placed her brush down and allowed herself to take in the painting fully. It didn't seem quite finished but its bold colours seemed to make her stronger and she finally felt ready to pick up the phone.

He answered on the first ring.

"Uh Pam?"

"Yeah," she responded hoping she sounded breezy, "so I started another painting."

"Uh, oh that's cool... what's it of? Is it of a watercolour or."

As he trailed of Pam looked at the canvas and decided to get straight to the point, "So I sent you an email."

There was a silence of thirty seconds or so, until her replied "yeah I know. On Thursday. I read it while you were in Michael's office, before my sales call."

Pam didn't know how to reply. So all this time, all this fear, worry and doubt, hatching up ways to get the email back and praying Jim would avoid his desk, he had already read it and...

"and he didn't even tell me!" Pam shouted, thinking aloud without realising, "Uh, I mean, why didn't you tell me?"

She could hear the hurt in his voice when he replied. The same hurt of Casino Night. The same hurt she had seen on the youtube clip when he had explained to Michael why he had left. "Because I didn't know what to think, I didn't know if you were mad at me, or if it was some kind of joke, or... I didn't know what to think Pam, I just, I didn't know."

"Well, why didn't you tell me about Karen?" The words
were out of her mouth before she could stop them and she blushed furiously as she tried to explain herself, "Uh I mean, it's none of business actually, so let's"

"Pam," he interupted. "I wanted to tell you, I did, you must know I still feel, I mean you must know that, that I still...

"Jim" she said softly. "You don't need to do this now. Again. All I want is to go on a date with you. For you to take me to dinner. To drive me home and walk me to my door. To kiss me goodnight. The rest, the rest can wait. It doesn't have to be perfect, I mean, we've got a while for that."

She could picture his grin as he quickly replied, "yeah, we have, we have got a while."

As soon as Pam hung up, she began to pack away her art supplies. She swilled her brushes under the sink, looking at the painting again. She decided it was finished after all. It wasn't perfect. But it was real. And it was hers.


******
Jim picked Pam up an hour later and took her to an Italian Restaurant in town. The food was awful. They hastily paid the bill after their half-eaten main courses. They drove to get Pizza and spent hours in the parking lot. Talking. Laughing.

It was past midnight when Jim finally drove Pam home. He parked across the street and begin to walk her to the door. He stopped at the streetlight, just before her appartment block. And he kissed her.

They stayed like that for quite a while.

It wasn't perfect. But it was real.

And he was hers.