Not the pointy ones I love but the baby ones, and black which is an ugly color but I still like to wear them all the time even though Mommy says be careful because I might fall down stairs but that's silly, I can't even right now because she is wearing them which means the babysitter is coming and anyway I like the tall tall ones better.

Hopefully it's Anna, who is my favorite. Mommy is clumping everywhere around the kitchen like a snail. On the floor I am finding a lazybug and 4 crayons, not pink that's sad, and lots of dirt and a Cheeto, which I do not eat because that's yuck. Not the cheeto – just because it's on the floor! I put the crayons in my zipper pocket for later and see if the lazybug is alive or sleeping, like dead, he's all crunchy and his legs are curled up so he's probably sleeping, which might mean dead but who knows how long ladybugs have to take naps? I'm too old for naps, naps are for babies, which is what I was when I was three but now I'm four, NOT a baby. I put the lazybug asleep in my pocket too.

“Pam!” Daddy calls downstairs. “Did you remember to make reservations?”

“I thought you...” Mommy says by the stove and she makes a big breath. “I'll call!”

Reservations is like fancy dinner.

“Cece,” Mommy says. “Come eat.”

She has down my plate with the seashell princesses all dancing around and the best spoon who we named Mr. Blue because he's blue of course and my cup with the sparkles inside of water but really in the cup there's milk. I spin around to make myself dizzy but no one is hungry here and on the way of my circles I run into Mommy who catches me in her net and kisses my head.

I have to gasp a little and say, “Mommy, sorry sorry!” because I bumped her belly which is Not Safe. Mommy is really big which means pregnant which means I get a little sister soon! Like a Christmas present sort of. Daddy says it might be a brother too but too bad because I know it's a sister, I decided and I've already named her Lollipop Daisy, the most beautiful name ever. Pregnant also means I can't jump on Mommy because I might squish the present, my sister.

But Mommy just says, “Come on, silly bean. Mac n Cheese time.”

I smell her flowery neck as she helps me into my chair and on the plate there's yummy Mac Cheese and delish bites which are really peas but Daddy calls them that so I'll like them but I don't and also some applesauce surprise which is with cinnamon.

Mommy is doing dishes and then she stops for a while and puts her hand on her back and makes a squishy face and I wonder why.

“Mommy?”

She looks up normal and clops to me. “Eat your peas, honey.”

“Delish bites!”

“Right. Delish bites.”

She is wearing her dangly earrings I love and her hair isn't in a pigtail which I also know means babysitter. I can't wait for Anna because I made five new drawings on the fridge of unicorns and a flower and a bear and Mommy all big.

After my food I check lazybug, who is asleep and then I decide to play store, which is where I go to my cash box in the living room next to the big plant and Mommy and Daddy come in and give me pennies. So far I have lots of them. Once Gramma gave me a dollar which is like lots of pennies, that's cool.

“Mommy!” I ding my register lots of time. “The store is open!”

Mommy is in the bathroom with the door closed and I hear her say with her voice all muffly, “Not now, sweetie. Why don't you go make your bed for Anna?”

I ding my register more times.

Now Daddy comes downstairs. He is wearing a tie which means fancy and his hair is shiny. He is still tying a knot on his neck. He knocks on the bathroom door and sticks his head in and says “did she eat?” which means me so now I have to tackle him of course!

“Daddy daddy daddy! Come play store!”

“Open for business? On a Friday evening? No way!”

“Yes way.”

“How did you know I was out of toilet paper?” He lifts me up high high and blows a berry on my face so I have to squeal.

“Ewwwww gross! Daddy has a dirty butt!”

“Eww, no!”

Mommy says, “Jim,” very soft and Daddy puts me down.

“Cece, I think you're missing some customers.”

He goes by Mommy who is sitting on the toilet closed. He says, “Pam? Hon. Everything okay?”

They are all whispery and Daddy hugs Mommy and touches her a lot and seriously, this is impatient.

“Daddy come awwwn!”

”You're sure?” he says and Mommy nods.

“Well,” Daddy breathes out really big. “At least the sitter's already coming.”

“Dadddddddy!”

Daddy turns to me and gets down. “Baby d'you think Mr. Bear and Fefe and the whole gang would want to be customers? Can you go play for a little bit?”

He is holding my arm and still touching Mommy's knee. I look at Mommy on the toilet and she is playing with a roll of toilet paper and she looks like her face is wet.

“Mommy?” I peek over Daddy's shoulder. “Is Mommy okay?”

“I'm fine, honey. Can you please go get ready for Anna? Be a big girl for me?”

“No,” I say. “No, I want to stay with you.”

“Everything's fine sweetheart,” she says and then she takes a lot of big breaths and bends the roll with her hands like I'm not supposed to do.

“Jim? Could you...?” and Daddy scoops me up and says, “Come on, CeeBee” and I say what what what Daddy what, what's wrong with Mommy? And Daddy takes the phone and dials and talks and gets me a popsicle and then he sets me on the counter and says, “Cece. The baby might be ready, so remember what we talked about?”

“My sister?”

Daddy says yes.

“Are you still having fancy dinner?”

Daddy says no.

“Is Anna still coming?”

“Yep, and honey, here's what I need you to do. Can you go play while I help Mommy and we wait for Anna?”

I lick my grape. “But I want to be with you,” I say because I'm kind of scared and Daddy says, “We're right here and we won't leave I promise until Anna comes.” But I still bring my horsies and Mr. Bear right outside the bathroom door next to the hallway.

My popsicle is drippy but no one yells at me.

Daddy is running around upstairs and then downstairs and he gets a cup of water for Mommy out of my mug with the crayons which is dumb but I don't say anything and he talks on the phone every minute and says shit and then says sorry, Bug and trips over my horse and says shit again but Twinkle isn't hurt, she's brave.

Mommy comes out of the bathroom holding her belly and I hug her on the leg and she says I am being very brave. Daddy tries to help her to the couch but she says I'm fine but then she breaths a lot again.

“Did Anna answer?”

“Not yet. The car's ready.”

I stand by the couch and watch Mommy.

“Mommy is my sister here?”

“Not yet, thank god.” Mommy holds out her hand and I snuggle by her. She does waterfall with my hair by putting her fingers through it.

“Cece, I'm so proud of you. You're being so great.”

“Are you having booboos?”

“A little bit, yes.”

“You want a Dora Band-Aid?”

Mommy laughs. She is all sweaty. “No, baby.”

Daddy is back. He looks what Mommy calls frazzle. He rubs a hand on Mommy's head and says, “okay, babe?”

And she says, “trying to be.”

“Cece, honey, careful, give Mommy some space.”

“Daddy. I'm playing horses. Let's play.”

“Babes.” He picks me up again. The doorbell rings.

“Thank you,” Daddy says quiet but I can hear.

“Anna!” I yell because I can't help it and Daddy opens the door.

“I tried calling but there was no answer,” he says as he lets her in. “Pam's in a lot of pain and we're not sure what it is so we're going to the hospital. She's almost nine months but...anyway, could you just stay indefinitely for now and I'll call with plans in a bit?”

Daddy's already moving towards Mommy's couch. I hug Anna, who is old and pretty and wears pigtails and has blonde hair like me. I want to put pigtails in now so we can be twins.

“Oh, yeah totally,” she says. “Wow, I'm sorry, I had no idea.”

Daddy is helping Mommy, he's holding her hand and her back too and Mommy is barefoot. She is still wearing fancy blue dress.

And Anna bends down where I can see her pretty hair but I don't want her, I want Mommy.

“Hey, buddy. What's your favorite thing in the whole world?”

I sniffle some more and I say mint chip but we are supposed to save that for special treat.

“I think just this one time it would be okay. Don't you think?”

I take my fingers off my eyes and see that Anna is Not Joking so I start to nod a little bit. And once we eat the ice cream in the living room with the big spoons Anna says she likes our orange carpet and I say thanks, but Mommy thinks it's ugly.

Then I show Anna my goldfish Merv and tell her how sometimes I feed him real goldfish that I eat for snacks instead of his flakes. And I show her the cozy place under Mommy and Daddy's big bed where I like to hide, and their pretty flower sheets and my pretty star sheets and Barbie pillows. And then the hallway pictures.

Anna follows me all smiling.

“That's me as a baby baby,”I say at the picture of me with scrunchy face eating spaghetti.

“And that's Daddy hugging Mommy. And us playing in my blow-up pool with floaties. And me licking Daddy. And Mommy and Daddy marrying all wet, that's silly. And this is Queenie, our puppy who died from a truck.”

Anna says, “How sad!”

“But that's when I got Merv, so it's okay.”

Anna is wearing the most bracelets ever and the biggest eyelashes. I take her hand and peel some bracelets onto my arm, cause she has so many.

“Anna? When's Mommy and Daddy coming back?”

“Hey,” she crouches by me. “Really soon. But until then we can just play and have so much fun. Yeah?”

“But when?”

“Really soon.”

“Two minutes?”

“Well. Hey – do you want to play beauty parlor?”

“Anna, I'll do your lips!”

I show her the lipstick Mommy gave me that is pink pink. Anna lets me put it on and I hardly spill outside the lines. I do a great job. Anna puts pigtails in my hair like hers so now we are twins. After we are pretty, we do back rubs and watch the rain outside and play kitchen. Anna tells me she is 17, that's old.

We are making pictures with glitter on the kitchen floor when the phone rings. Anna says, “Hi, Mr. Halpert.” That means Daddy!

I dance all around the kitchen singing a song about Daddy and after a little I crouch around the machine where Anna puts him on speakerphone.

“Daddddddyyy!”

“How's my girl?”

“We ate ice cream Daddy! A lot of it.”

“Well,” said Anna. “One bowl.”

“Seven bowls!”

“Seven bowls, huh?” says Daddy. “Bet it's coming out your ears.”

I snort. “Anna, Daddy makes jokes sometimes. Just ignore.”

That's what Mommy says but it makes Anna and Daddy both laugh.

“Cece, are you being good for Anna?”

“She's great,” says Anna.

“I am being an angel.”

Daddy laughs again. “Honey, I've got some good news. Mommy's gonna have the baby soon.”

“My sister?!”

“Yep, your sister. So Anna is going to stay with you until Grandma can come pick you up.”

“Why can't you pick me up?”

“Because I have to stay with Mommy, sweetie. But Grandma's coming. You know what that means, right? Sleepover!”

Sleepover is when I go to Gramma Helene's and we make s'mores in the microwave and watch “It's a Wonderful Life” and I get to sleep in the big bed.

“Can I bring Merv and Twinkle?”

“You can bring Twinkle.”

There's some beeping in the background and lots of talking and my feet are sleeping from being tip-toe.

“Oh – okay girls, I've gotta go. I love you Ceebee. I'll call again in a little bit, okay? Thanks so much Anna, you're a life saver.”

“Bye, Mr. Halpert!”says Anna and I say, “Bye Daddy!”

Then I go put on my princess dress and all my 12 necklaces and my frilly socks and some glittery star stickers. That way I can be all pretty for when my present comes, even though I don't know when that is.

Anna helps me pack Twinkle and my pillow and my toothbrush and all my other stuff.

I don't know if this is a big deal or not. Anna keeps asking if I'm excited but I don't really know why. I just know I should look beautiful and be ready for Gramma and that Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital, because Anna said.

When Gramma comes, I am all squeals and she picks me up in her hug that smells like candy and mints and good.

“Hey, pumpkin!” Gramma says. “Look at you, all dressed up!”

“It's for my sister.”

“Isn't she lucky then, to have such a great big sister?”

I nod and twist her beads. “I'm the big sister.”

And I stay with Gramma, playing with her flippy hair until I have to give Anna a goodbye hug and say, thanks babysitter not for a baby! which Anna always laughs at.

//

Gramma's friend Hank isn't at her house tonight. He is usually there when I go over and I like him because he always does magic tricks with lollipops and whistles a lot, which Daddy does. I am not s'pposed to call him grampa, I have another grampa, Grampa Beesly and he used to be with Gramma but not anymore, now there's Hank. Gramma says she wants a night just the two of us.

Right when we get to Gramma's house I run to her bedroom and roll around in the fluffy sheets, then I spray on all her perfumes and touch all her pretty jewels and hairbrush and put a few on. I also make sure to look at the picture of Mommy when she was little like me, next to my picture because I LOVE that. Gramma says Mommy was a real cutie just like me and a little turkey, just like me. I always snort at the little turkey part, so silly.

After hot chocolate and snuggles Gramma says it's time for bed. I show her how good I am brushing my teeth all myself and when I take a bath I only splash little. I miss my rubber ducks in the bath. Once I put Merv on the duck's back so he could take a bath with me, then I got in trouble.

When we get in bed with the lights out, that's when I want Mommy and Daddy. I try to squeeze my eyes tight but it doesn't help, I can still tell I'm at Gramma's. At home what we do is I lie down and Mommy reads me a story and when we turn the lights out we do cheek kiss and nosey-nosey and butterfly kiss, in that order. And then Daddy comes in and lies on my bed where his feet stick out the end and I get to decide real story or pretend story. A real story is real life and pretend is one Daddy has to make up. I always ask for pretend because he's extra good at those.

This is what I tell Gramma when she asks if I'm okay.

Gramma scoots closer and scratches my back up and down. Gramma does the best back scratch.

“Okay, Cece Marie. I've got an idea. Since your little brother or sister is about to be born, how would you like to hear about when you were born?”

“Like a real story?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Okay. First you have to say, real or pretend.”

“Real.”

“Are you sure.”

“Positive.”

“Are there pretend people in the story?”

“No?”

“Is it totally totally 100% completely truly real?”

“I'll try my best. Do you ask Daddy those questions every time?”

“Yes I do. I need to know what's happening.”

Gramma laughs and switches to waterfall with my hair.

“Here we go. It was a sunny March day – ”

“March 4.”

“That's right. Your mom was working at her job even though she knew you were coming --”

“Where did Mommy work?”

“She worked at a place that sold paper.”

“You mean she didn't do paint all the time like now?”

“Nope. She worked with paper for a long time, honey. You remember, that's where she and Daddy met.”

“Okay is this still part of the story?”

“So your mom was working and your dad really wanted her to go to the hospital but she wouldn't go. He even called me to see if I would come convince her. But Mommy wanted to wait until she knew you were ready.”

“How did she know?”

“I think you were probably whispering to her from her tummy.”

I laugh thinking about me inside Mommy's tummy.

“And when Mommy and Daddy got to the hospital, there I was.”

“After we waited a long long time.”

“Was Mommy scared?”

“Probably a little, yes.”

“Because I was new.”

Gramma pats my back. “And you want to know what happened when you got here? The nurse gave you to Mommy and she said to me, “It's the most beautiful girl in the world.” And you were, you were so so cute. You had the longest eyelashes and the teeniest toes. And there was a lot of crying and hugging and everyone wanted to hold you first.”

“Why crying?”

“Happy crying.”

“Who cried the most?”

Gramma laughs. “Maybe your dad. He cried a lot. But so did Mommy. And so did you.”

“Me? That's silly. I was just born.”

“You were pretty loud!”

“Gramma? Will my sister like me?”

“Baby are you kidding? You're going to be the best older sister anyone could have.”

“When is she coming?”

“Soon, I hope. And when she does, we can go see her at the hospital.”

“Now?”

“We're going to sleep right now. When you wake up.”

“How about...now?”

“Cecelia.”

Then we're quiet for a long time and I pretend to sleep.

“Now?”

Gramma is standing at the stove in the apron I made her with my hands all over it. Her hair is sticky-up, which is funny. Usually she looks like a princess with flippy hair.

Right away she comes and picks me up and swings me around and says, “We have a baby!”

“My sister?!”

“A sister, Cecelia Marie!”

Gramma and I dance all around the kitchen, so I know this must be exciting. I wonder where my sister is. She sets me on the counter to flip a pancake.

“Daddy called about four o'clock in the morning to say she was born. Ten fingers, ten toes and eight whole pounds! Oh my goodness, Cece. Daddy said she can't wait to meet you.”

“Where is my sister?”

“At the hospital. Daddy's coming to get you after breakfast.”

“Can she say my name?”

“Not yet, baby.”

“I hope she likes playing house!”

“She won't be able to do that for a little bit. She has to grow up a little first.”

That's weird. If she can't play house, she at least needs to know playing horses. I will have to ask her. Gramma makes me a plate of pancakes and some milk and gets out sugar sauce, which is brown. Then I have an idea. I ask Gramma if I can be a dog, which is where I have a bowl of chocolate milk and cinmon grahams on the floor and I lick it all up.

Gramma looks at my pancakes and sighs. “Oh, what the heck, why not. It's a special day.”

After breakfast I watch Arthur on the big TV and I go and stare at the deer head that Hank shot one time on the wall that's in the basement, because Gramma doesn't like it. And I put a cinmon graham in his mouth so he doesn't get hungry. Then I watch Gramma get ready in her pink bathroom. She puts powder and pink stuff and lipstick all over herself and I ask very nice if I can please have some lipstick, so then my lips are shiny red like an apple.

While we wait for Daddy I make my sister a card with lots of stickers and kiss it with my red lips and it says 'happy birday sis!' which Gramma helps me write. I sit in Gramma's lap to look at pictures of Mommy and Aunt Penny and Grampa Beesly before he was not with Gramma. Mommy had curly curly blonde like my hair. My favorite picture is this one where she is holding a big ugly fish and making a squishy face, so funny.

There's a knock on the door and then Daddy's here! He is still wearing his fancy clothes from yesterday and his hair looks what Mommy calls morning time and right away he yawns but he is also all smiles.

“Daddddy!” I tackle him and he scoops me high high up and kisses both my cheeks and swings me around.

“Hey, cutie! Guess who's here?”

“You!”

Daddy laughs. “Your sister!”

He yawns again and I snuggle into his shirt and stick my fingers in his pocket to see if there's pens or gum. There isn't. I put my head on him and he does waterfall with my hair.

“I missed you Daddy.”

“I missed you too, Cee.”

He sits us down and sighs and Gramma comes over to hug us.

“You must be exhausted!”

Daddy nods. “Little bit. But I can't really complain. We've got another one.”

I've never seen Daddy so smiley.

“How's Pam?” says Gramma.

“Doing great. She was such a trooper. Like I said earlier, it was a kinda scary for a while, what with not knowing how the baby was. Once she got turned – ”

“Daddy, look.”

I need to show him my card, because it's so cool and this is boring.

“Cece, did you make that for your sister? Get outta here. You are the coolest.” Daddy gives me high-five and I color some more hearts and flowers while Daddy says Mommy has been sleeping a lot and the baby has been crying more than he remembers I did and Gramma asks lots of questions about my sister.

So then I stick some stickers to Daddy's shoe and I find Gramma's purse and look for gum but there isn't any and then I sing some songs I made up about gum and then I go into Gramma's bathroom and do more lipstick and look in her closet when Daddy calls for me to get my stuff.

When I run to Daddy again and he picks me up, he says, “Cece, do you know anything about these hearts on my shoe?” and I say, “No I do not” and Gramma smiles.

She kisses me and says, “I guess a shoe fairy was here, huh?” and winks. I try to wink back without Daddy seeing and then I pull the surprise I have out of my shirt, Gramma's underwear!

And that's when Daddy puts me down and says I am not allowed to take other people's underwear but I can tell he is trying not to laugh. And when we get outside we laugh and laugh and laugh, because Daddy is my buddy and we can be so silly together. But still, he says. No underwear.

//

Holmen is what is called a diner. It has red seats and lots of ice cream in shiny cases and a special place where you can sit and watch people make the food but we never sit there, we always get a booth. On the back of the wall there is cows painted, which I really love. I named them all before but I always forget the names the next time we come to eat. It smells like candy inside and I like to press my face to the cases with chocolates in them and pick out all my favorites.

Daddy and I hold hands going in. I already know what I want, I want a chicken finger, which is a crispy chicken's finger and black raspberry in a cone with a marshmallow surprise on the bottom. And I know Daddy will get a burger. Daddy says we are making a quick stop before we go see Mommy and the baby and that Gramma is going to meet us there.

“Can I get a chicken's finger?”

Daddy lifts me up high and says, “Hang on, sweetie. Let's pick out a balloon first.”

On the wall next to the man with the white shirt there are a million balloons. My favorite is the rainbow or the one with the unicorn.

“This is for your sister. And you get to choose any one you want.”

“Read them.”

“ That one says 'it's a girl.' That's a good one, huh?”

“I like the mouse one.”

“Or how about the pink one with the baby?”

“The mouse one.”

“You think she'll like that one?”

“Mouse, Daddy, she will LOVE it. I have the best taste.”

Daddy puts me down so he can get out his wallet and then he gives me the balloon string and tells me to be careful and hold on tight. It has Minnie Mouse and I want to hold it and keep it for me. Then he gets me a cone with raspberry so I have both hands full.

“Daddy? I don't want to meet my sister anymore.”

We are outside and Daddy stops yawning to rub my head.

“Yeah? How come, Ceebee?”

“Cause it's good just me, you and Mommy. I want this balloon.”

Daddy wipes some ice cream off my face. “Oh, honey. I know this is going be a change. But you know what, it's really good change. You and your sister are going to have such a great time together. And you can be the best helper and take care of her. She's gonna love you so much.”

“I'll be in charge?”

“Mm-hmm. Mommy and I will really need your help. You think you can do that for us?”

“Daddy. I am the best helper!”

He laughs and kisses me. “What would I do without you! Ready to go see Mommy?”

I lick my cone and feel a little scared inside but I nod, because I have to give my sister this balloon so she knows I'm in charge. And of course, I miss Mommy. I watch the balloon floating on the ceiling of the car until my cone drips all the way down my arms and I have to yell at Daddy that the sticky monster's here and coming to get you! The only cure is napkins, and he's smart, because he has a million.

The hospital is white all around and also some green, like on chairs and floor squares and stuff. I love green, so I try to step on only the green squares but Daddy makes me stop because the balloon keeps hitting him in the head, which is funny. Daddy picks me up and now Minnie Mouse almost touches the ceiling! I get to press the elevator button to make it glow and when a man gets on I say, “What button would you like?” and so I get to press two of them, and then I say you're welcome.

Our floor is blue and Daddy pats my back. “You ready, babe?”

I don't know but I am getting tired of holding the balloon for my sister, so I say okay.

“Mommy is so excited to see you.”

That makes me happy and excited to see Mommy. Before we go find the room, I get to choose a lollipop from the counter, I get purple. We pass lots of people wearing tablecloths and squeaky shoes and sometimes there's screaming. We pass this big window where there's all these tiny little babies, who I am way older then and who look like my dolls. I want Daddy to stop so I can look and I press my nose up to the window and make some funny faces for the babies to make them laugh. Then I see a baby with a furry pink hat and I wonder if maybe that's my sister.

“Daddy, is my sister in here?”

“I'm guessing she's probably with Mommy.”

“Oh. Well what about that one?”

Daddy looks and makes squinty eyes. “Mm, nope. That is...Lollipop Daisy.”

“Daddy no it's not! That's my favorite name!”

“She looks like a Lollipop to me.”

“You are just playing around me.”

“Would I lie about such a great name?”

“Daddy.”

“Cece.”

We walk down some more hallways and I'm getting all lost and dizzy and there's lots of beeping and talking and more crying, I don't like all the loudness, except suddenly Daddy is saying, “here we are!” and opening the door and I get all nervous like jello in my tummy.

But then there's Mommy in a big bed under the covers. She is wearing a tablecloth too and her hair is in a ponytail but all curly and she looks very sleepy but she is smiling a lot.

“Mommy!” Daddy is still holding me, otherwise I would run and jump on her bed.

“Hi,” she says all whispers. “Come here, cutie. You want to meet your little sister?”

“I got her a balloon,” I tell Mommy and pull on the string.

“Look at you! That is so sweet. Is that Minnie?”

We walk over and Daddy leans to kiss Mommy's head and says, “It's been an adventure.”

Then he puts me on the bed and when I start crawling, he says, “Careful, Cece,” but Mommy says it's okay, just be gentle because my sister is sleeping. I don't know where she is but then Mommy takes her out of the covers and she's so itsy-bitsy I can barely see her. She is very lumpy and red and covered in her blankets but then she reaches out her hand, which is also tiny, and makes a little noise.

“Mommy.”

“Cece, come sit here.” She pats the pillow beside her and I scoot up there. Mommy puts her arm around me and gives me a kiss. All the time Daddy is sitting on the end of the bed smiling at us. I am not sure what to do, I kind of want to leave.

My sister yawns and makes more faces and Mommy fixes her hat. Her blankie has pink feet all over it.

“This is Madeline Claire.”

“My sister?”

We stare at her for a long time and the room is so quiet. I feel like I should be all quiet around her, so I am. Mommy is wearing a plastic bracelet and I want one.

“She likes you a lot, she already told me,” Mommy says.

“Mommy.”

She laughs. “I can just tell. You want to hold her?”

I swallow. I look at Daddy and he nods. “Will I hurt my sister?”

“No, honey, you just need to be gentle.”

First I have to squirt on this goop that is cold and smells funny. It gets all the germs off. Then Mommy shows me how to hold my arms where she puts my sister. She is heavy and smells like milk and my bed after Mommy remakes the sheets. I am so careful and I don't move.

“Hi, sister. Hi.” I say real soft and nicely, so she knows I am a fun girl. “This is Cecelia Marie Halpert. I am older than you but that's okay. You can have my purple teddy bear Dennis because I don't want him anymore. What's her name again?”

I look up at Mommy and she has tears all the way down to her chin. “What's wrong Mommy?”

“Nothing,” she says, and then smiles. But then she wouldn't be crying. “Her name is Madeline. You can call her Maddy.” She sniffles.

“Maddy, you are cooler than my baby doll, definitely,” I say. “We're going to play house and Barbies and Scare Mommy and Daddy and kitchen and worms outside and all the best games. Okay?”

And when she moves I see her teeny fingertails that are like teeth and I hope we will be best friends. Except I don't know yet. Then I want Mommy to take her back so I don't break her. Even she has a bracelet!

“Can I get a bracelet?”

“What? Oh. We'll see.”

“Cece, you are so great with her,” Daddy says. “Knew you'd be a natural.”

“Yeah I've had lots of practice with my babies.”

“You sure have,” Mommy says. She leans back on her pillow. She looks really tired.

Then I get down and look all around the room, even though there isn't much cool stuff. There's a plant and the goop bottle and a weird machine and a chair and a curtain that I twist around in until Daddy says stop. Daddy has tied my balloon to the table by the bed and I like that. This way Naddy can look at it all the time.

“Mommy are you sleeping?”

She opens her eyes. “No, just resting.”

“Are you sleepy?”

“Yeah, honey I am.”

“Are you going to come home?”

“Yeah, we'll be home really soon.”

“I just want everyone to be home. Even my sister.”

Daddy laughs. “Nah, I think we'll just leave her here at the hospital. With Lollipop.”

Mommy gives him the look she calls not pleased. “More like let's leave Daddy here.”

I laugh and laugh at that until Mommy puts her finger on her lips, shhh.

“Sorry Naddy,” I whisper and then Mommy lets me stroke her face with my finger very gentle. I do a great job. And then I give her the card I made, which makes Mommy cry again which makes Daddy say a joke that Mommy cries more than our newborn which makes the not pleased face happen again but then she laughs and then she makes a scrunchy face and says no laughing but I think she's talking about herself only.

I stare at my sister some more but this is getting boring, because she is kind of boring, sorry. But she is. She just lays there and Daddy makes coo noises at her.

A nurse comes in. There are squeaky shoes. She asks Mommy if she needs anything and if everything's healing and Mommy says some more painkillers might be nice. Why killers? And Mommy says the baby came out of her belly so she's a different kind of sore than normal. I thought babies always come out of bellies. Where else would they come out of?

Daddy stands up. “We should let you get some rest, huh?”

Mommy sighs. “Oh, I'm fine. I'm so happy to see both my girls at once.”

While I sing my sister a song, Daddy gets some ice and water. And I can tell everyone is so sleepy except me and Daddy and that we are being disturbance maybe. So I say, “let's do family hug pretty please.”

Family hug is my favorite. It's where the whole family, which is now my sister too I guess, gets in a big circle and does one big hug where I am usually the squished in the middle.

“If we're careful,” Daddy says. So we do a careful one and I look right at my sister's face and think I might like her, until Daddy swoops me into bear hug and picks me up.

“You'll be home soon?” I say.

Mommy says, “Real soon, baby. Come give me a kiss.”

“We'll put the coffee on.”

Thank the lord,” says Mommy.

And she makes Naddy – Maddy, Daddy says – Maddy's hand wave as we go out the door.

But then I tell him a secret. “Sometimes, I'm still going to call her Lollipop Daisy. In secret.”

“That's good. Because you know what I call you sometimes? In secret?”

“What?”

“Tootsie Roll Tulip.”

Today Mommy comes down the stairs with her hair all curly and tennis shoes on and holding a laundry basket. I can hear Daddy moving the lawn. I am sitting on the 3rd big step with my tutu and my rain boots and all my animal children, because we are playing camping trip avalanche, where it rains and we all fall down the mountain, but in the end nobody dies. At first Mommy doesn't see me and almost steps on me and then she says oh!

“Cece, honey, that's sort of an awkward place to sit.”

“I know,” I say. I make Sam hug Violet Unicorn before they are hit by the rock. They join Humprey and Pork and Ellie at the bottom stair, which is called Death Valley and on the way down they hit Mommy's leg. Mommy turns to give me some eyebrows.

“Cee, please pick up your toys.”

“Mommy it's Death Mountain.”

“I see. Well can we move Death Mountain to the living room?”

Mr. Bear whispers to me that he doesn't like that idea, which I tell Mommy. Then I see she also has the baby radio in her basket. That makes me excited because it means that Maddy is not around and Mommy has to keep track of her with the radio.

“Is Maddy sleeping?!”

Mommy nods and holds up a quiet finger.

“Can we play?”

“Oh, sweetie.” Mommy sighs. “I wish we could but I've got a million things to do right now. Later, okay?”

“But you play with Maddy all the time.”

“Cece it's not...is that how you feel?”

“That's how Mr. Bear feels. He's just saying.”

She puts the laundry basket on her hip to push my hair away. “It's been pretty crazy around here, huh? Tell you what. Why don't I stick in this load of laundry and then we can make lunch.”

“Just you and me?”

“You and me. Make sure you pick these up please, okay missy?”

The biggest rock of all comes and we're all squished at once, falling splat down the stairs. We all laugh and I dust everyone off before they go back to their corner for nap-time. I don't have to join in because I am a big girl and naps are obviously not for big girls.

Soon Mommy and I make grilled cheese and we put pickles inside which is delish. Daddy waves to us from outside the window while we are cooking. He is all sweaty and he makes a silly face at me. I sit on Mommy's lap to eat my sandwich but I only eat the bread, not the outsides. We also have blue jello from the fridge that has one of Mommy's paintbrushes in it and she rolls her eyes and says of course. After that we do the dishes and I am a great dryer. Before we start our puzzle, I take Daddy a glass of water outside because he is hot.

It is Saturday which means everyone is home. It is hot hot outside and Daddy stops mowing when he sees me.

“Oh man, Ceebee, you are too great.” He drinks all the water really fast. “Are you on a tight schedule?”

“Yep. My animals and I have been very busy.”

“Well, I won't keep you.” He sets the glass down on the patio and kisses me and he gets some sweat on me so I say eww. Then he starts the mower and pretends like he's talking to me and I say what and he pretends he can't hear but he keeps talking anyway and then he's yelling but the mower is too loud and I laugh at him.

Mommy is taking laundry out and she says almost ready, so I pick the snakes puzzle and dump it all out and I am so excited that Mommy and I are going to play! She is the best at puzzles and we are a good team. I even wait to start until she comes.

But then as she is sitting down the baby radio starts crying. Mommy says, “It never ends” in a voice that sounds not happy and gets up.

“Cece I'm sorry, I have to go see what your sister needs.”

“How long?”

“I'll be back soon.”

“But how long?”

“Cece.” Mommy is not smiling. She is rubbing her hand on her head. The baby radio is making even louder squeals and I want her to turn it off.

“You promised we were playing!”

“Sweetie I'm sorry, I can't be everywhere. Right now your sister is upset.”

“Me too!”

Mommy sighs. “Cee, just hang on, okay? I'll be back in a minute.”

I am very mad because this happens all the time. It happened yesterday when we were going to play Bears and it happened when I was doing a ballet show for Mommy and Daddy and only Daddy saw the end. And I get this bubbly feeling inside me and I have to make it go away. I am mad.

So I run outside to my turtle sandbox and I put some sand in my tutu skirt like a pocket and I go upstairs to my sister's room where Mommy is holding her at her crib saying, “shhh, shh, shhh.” And Maddy is making crying noises still and her face is like a tomato. Mommy turns to me and says, “Cece, I told you, you need to – ” and that is when I decide to throw some sand at her face because I need to get rid of my mad.

The sand falls over the carpet mostly but some of it hits Mommy's shirt and sticks there. Right away I know I am in trouble.

“Cece!” Mommy looks really mad and she comes over, stepping on the sand on the floor and puts her hand hard on my back and steers me to my room where I have to sit on my bean chair.

Mommy is still holding Maddy who is STILL crying and I want her to stop. Mommy is patting her.

“I know you're upset but that is not okay, missy. Do you hear me?”

I want to cry because Mommy almost never yells at me. “I want you to sit here for a little bit while I put your sister down. Then we'll talk. I can't...”

Mommy stops and I think she might cry which is weird, she is a mom and I am already crying. Then she just leaves. After I cry for a little bit, I try to make my toes touch each other perfectly while I sniffle. And then I count the freckles on my arms. And then I talk to Rachel Rabbit who has been in my room all day and we talk about mean Mommy and stupid Maddy who makes Mommy all mean. And then I give her some of my leftover sand, even though most of it spilled out on the floor when I threw it. Except I know that was bad.

Soon I hear feet on the stairs and then a door shutting and I peek out my room into the yellow hallway. Mommy and Daddy are standing outside their room next to Maddy's door and Maddy is crying louder than ever in Mommy's arms. Daddy has his shirt halfway off. I hear Mommy say, “She won't stop crying! Cece was upset with me and she threw sand. I'm just so – ” And Daddy says, “hey” and gives her a hug but she sort of doesn't hug back. And Daddy says, “Let me take her.”

Then I say, “Mommy?”

And everyone turns to me, so I put my head back inside my room quick quick and go to my chair.

“Cee?” I hear Mommy say.

Then she comes into my room. And I almost want to cry again because I don't want anyone to be mad at me. “Mommy are you mad?” I say very soft.

“Come here, honey,” Mommy says and I run to her and am sniffly. I sit in her lap while she says we are going to have a talk.

“I'm sorry,” she says. “I know it's really hard getting used to having a little sister because you aren't used to sharing me and Daddy. It's going to get easier as she gets older but right now she's so small that she needs us a lot. And I know that's not fair to you.”

I shake my head. “I don't like that.”

“I know.” Mommy strokes my hair. “It's some big adjustments. But you've been doing such a great job. Some days are going to be harder than others. But even when you're mad, you can't do things like throw sand. You know that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me why you threw the sand?”

“Because I am mad that Maddy always gets you.”

“Oh, honey. I know. It's tough. How about this. How about we set aside some time just you and me every week. We can have Mommy and Cece dates.”

“Yes please.”

Mommy chuckles.

“Mommy are you whelmed?”

“There's just too many things to do and too many people to be with and not enough time in the day. But I'm going to try to get better about balancing it all. Okay?”

“Okay.”

I feel better sort of.

“Will you help me vacuum up the sand when your sister wakes up?”

“Yes I will.”

“Good girl.”

And then we go find Daddy, who is just closing Maddy's door.

“Success?”

Daddy nods. “Out.”

“Thank god.” Mommy scoops me up and we do a little happy sleeping dance and Mommy says, “who wants to help with the laundry?”

No one says anything so I raise my hand and say “Me!” And then we dance all the way down the stairs.

Daddy says, “Pam, I'm showering!”

And Mommy says, “Again, too many places to be.” And I think she means the laundry room. Upstairs Daddy laughs.

Later after my bath, when I have on my duckie towel with the hood with the eyes that makes Daddy ask if there is a bird in here, I am playing Skip Hop down the hall, which is where I do three hops and then a skip and then a butt wiggle, and I can't go out of order. I hear Mommy and Daddy in their room where Mommy is showing Daddy some pictures she made. Daddy's likes to looks at the Art of the Halpert Ladies. Like today, I drew a spider making a rainbow web. As I am hopping, I see Maddy's door is open. She is laying in her crib all quiet but her eyes are open, which is surprising. I pull up the stool so I can talk to her. She makes little peepy noises and she has a lot of curly hair for her tiny head.

“Hi Maddy. It's me, Cece.” Maddy is a squirmy worm and when I put my hand in she reaches out and grabs my finger. Her hand is like holding a piece of cookie dough.

“Sorry I didn't like you before,” I say. She smells all baby-nice and I pat her head. “Good girl. I can't wait til you play with me. But that's okay that you can't right now. Because I will wait for you. I am a very fun girl and I bet you will be too.”