He loves me. Jim, my best friend in the office, the only true friend I have, loves me...What am I supposed to do with that information?

I can hear the soft crunch of gravel under Jim’s shoes as he walks away from me. I just destroyed our friendship. Was this my fault? Did I send him signals that told him I had the same feelings that he does? Do I have the same feelings as him?

Tears roll down my cheeks as I walk into the building and take the elevator up to Dunder Mifflin. I need time to myself to digest everything that happened, I need to call my mom. She has always been the one who understood me the best and always knew how to talk me through complicated situations.

I go to Jim’s desk without even giving it a second thought and start to dial my parent’s home phone number. It rings a few times and I wonder whether or not sharing this with my mom was a good idea. As soon as the thought popped into my head it immediately left, my mom loves Jim even more than she loves Roy and that’s saying something.

I grew up with Roy and we have been dating since our sophomore year of high school, he has been ingrained into my family and my life for years and when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I felt like I had to, like there was an obligation there. But even with that being the case the moment that my mom met Jim she said that she liked him and that we would make her the cutest grandkids.

She told me that I seemed happy when I was around him and thinking back I know it was because I am my truest self when I am with Jim. He brings out that inner child inside of me and we just have fun. 

I wish for a moment that when Roy proposed to me I would have been able to see the future, see what was really in store for me and who I was to meet. If I would have known that years down the line I would meet the man of my dreams I would have said no in a heartbeat and moved on. But life isn’t that easy life likes to shit on you a lot of the time and laugh when it sees you suffer.

“Hello?” I hear my mom ask and I hear my dad watching Jeopardy in the background, maybe this wasn’t my smartest decision tonight.

“Hey mom, do you have a minute? Something happened and I need to talk to someone about it.”

“Yeah honey, of course, is everything okay? Are you and Roy okay?” My mom asks with a worried lilt to her voice, are me and Roy okay? I feel like after tonight nothing will ever be the same. I have feelings that I can’t even begin to describe for Jim, that I have never had for Roy, it took Jim admitting his feelings to make me see that I might feel the same about him.

“Physically yes we are okay mom...Jim told me that he loved me tonight.” I come out with it not being able to hold it in any longer.

“What?! When?” 

“About 10 minutes ago,” I say trying not to bite my nails out of nerves that were shot to shit at this point.

“Did you say it back?” Is she crazy?! I mean...do I love him?

“No, I didn’t know what to say!” That wasn’t a complete lie, the thought crossed my mind to say it back but then I remembered Roy and the fact that I was planning on marrying him. He was the man that I needed to be in love with not gorgeous and goofy Jim freaking Halpert.

“I mean you have to think about Roy in this scenario and what this will do to him.” My mom, always the voice of reason even when I least want her to be. Even when I know she is secretly wishing that I marry Jim and not Roy.

“Yes, I know.”

“Do you think that you could possibly feel the same way for Jim?”

“Um...I don’t know mom he’s my best friend.” I bite my lip thinking about all of the pranks we have pulled on Dwight and how lately he is the only one that can make me truly laugh and smile.

“You do seem happy when you’re around him.” My mom observed and I thought about all of my time with Jim and how I have felt lighter and smiled to myself.

“Yeah, he’s great.”

“So I think it comes down to are you in love with him too, honey?” My mom asked me as I was leaning back onto Jim’s desk remembering all the moments I have stood here and talked with him and all of the moments that I laughed with him. I think about why I have held off marrying Roy this long and I think that it’s because of Jim. I think I have been in love with him from the first moment I walked him to his desk on his first day. The moment I saw that goofy and dorky smile of his that he gets when he is getting himself into all kinds of trouble that any sane adult would be trying to avoid.

“Yeah, I think I am,” I say starting to cry knowing that I just shot him down and maybe ruined my only chance at ever having happiness with him. But he’s my best friend, how am I supposed to risk that? What if it doesn’t work out between us? Then we are left to deal with the consequences, but deep down I know that we would make it. I hope at least.

I hear the door to the office open and see Jim walking towards me and wonder how he knew that I was up here. I watch him slow his stride down as he sees me and I just stare at him trying to hold in my emotions.

“Um, I have to go,” I tell my mom having a feeling in my gut that Jim was about to do something even riskier than he already has.

“Okay Pammy, promise me to give this a shot and be happy.” She says to me and I can hear the hope in her voice. No matter how much she says that she likes Roy I know deep down that she likes Jim a hell of a lot more.

“I will,” I promise and hang up, hoping I didn’t just lie to my mom. I turn back to Jim and I feel my stomach drop at the thought of following my mom’s advice and telling him how I feel.

“Listen, Jim-” I start but he grabs my waist and kisses me before he gives me the chance to say anything else. I stand there for a moment in shock and let my hands rest on his biceps debating on pushing him away but this kiss is intoxicating. I can’t seem to be able to pull away from him, instead, when he pauses for a second I grab his face and deepen the kiss. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, that everything about this is wrong but it feels so right and I could hardly give a shit about anything else but Jim and this mind-numbing kiss.

I lean into him and everything that this kiss could represent and then I feel my engagement ring move on my hand and it sucks me back into reality. That just earlier today I was picking out bands to play at my wedding, a wedding to a different man, that was the exact reason I shouldn’t be doing this. 

I pull away to look up at him and end up getting caught in his eyes, I can’t look away. The adoration and love and respect and kindness that I see staring back at me are so terrifying that I nearly cry from just one look.

Jim is the first to look away and I look down and to the side letting a tear fall down my face knowing that after that kiss, there was no way I could marry Roy. Not after I feel like my world was just torn apart from one kiss with this amazing and handsome man. What was I supposed to do now?

I do the only thing I think of to do, kiss him again. I reach up onto my toes and bring his head back down to mine. I let myself have this moment where nothing besides the two of us exist outside of this bullpen, it’s just us. Jim kisses me back but not for long before pulling away, I get a horrible feeling that maybe he thinks that it was a mistake. How could he think that? 

Did he not feel what I felt? 

Did he think he was going to feel a certain way and then he kissed me and realized that I wasn’t all that I’m cracked up to be?

Why is it the moment I realize what I want, something comes in and swoops down to steal it away?

Why can’t I be happy too?

Jim looks down at me and then backs away before walking out of the office. I stand there for a few moments and stare at the space that he just occupied, that happened, didn’t it? I wasn’t imagining things when he kissed me right?

Before I comprehend my body’s response it falls into Jim’s chair and tears start streaming down my face. I look at the pictures that he has strewed on his desk, I had never really looked at them before, always too focused on him to notice what was on his desk.

I see a picture of what must be him and his immediate family on Christmas morning, they were all in matching pj’s and I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable Jim looked in them. I reach forward and touch Jim in the picture and just know. I know that I love him and there was no denying it,  that kiss was something that I couldn’t deny and something I don’t think I want to.

“Alright Beesley, you can do this. Just walk out of this office and get into your car and go home and tell Roy everything.” I get up and walk out of the office doing just that, I face my fear head-on hoping that in the end I actually get to have what I want for once.

I sat in my car for what felt like a few hours but was only a few minutes. I stared at the front door willing myself to get out of the car and waltz right in there and tell Roy that we were over. It wasn’t that easy or that simple, he would want an explanation and he would deserve one as well considering we have been together nearly ten years now.

But how do I explain this without hurting him in the process? How do I tell him that I am in love with Jim when I have told him countless times over the years that I have known Jim that we are just friends? How do I tell him that over the years I have fallen out of love with him? That I don’t think that I was ever in love with him. How do you tell someone that they are the reason you don’t want to come home anymore?

Roy hasn’t been the best of partners either, he has cheated on me and manipulated me more times than I can count. He still has no idea that I know about the times when he says he spending the night at Kenny’s but is actually out at some bar. What amazes me is that I stayed with him for as long as I have, why have I? Do I deserve this somehow, did I do something in a past life to make me deserve this? No, you haven’t...that’s why you are calling off this wedding and telling him that you don’t love him anymore.

I feel like I owe it to him to explain what is going on through my head, but at the same time, I know that if I do he’ll just convince me to stay like he always seems to. This time though I won’t let him convince me to stay, I need to leave. I need to at least try to be happy because if I don’t then what’s the point?

What’s the point of life if not to take risks? Even if it doesn’t work out between Jim and me, at least I will be getting out of a loveless relationship. What would be the point of Jim coming into my life and us finding each other if we never got to be together? Maybe there wasn’t a point. Maybe this is what the universe wants so that I can fall on my ass and it can laugh as I try to get back up. 

Who the hell cares? If I fail then at least I can say that I gave this a shot, but first, I need to get out of this godforsaken car.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes picturing how I want the moment to go knowing that it won’t be that easy. He is going to try and fight for me no matter how much I tell him that it’s not him that I want. No matter how much I tell him that I stopped being an active participant in this relationship before graduation.

I release the breath that I was holding and get out of the car walking up to the door and inserting the key into the lock. I walk inside to see him sitting in his easy boy recliner watching some football game and it suddenly hits me. When I leave I will only have a few boxes to take, none of this was mine.

We may have bought this house together and both of our names were on the mortgage but he picked out all the furniture and had a say in everything. I realized that no one would even know a woman lived here because this entire house was filled with his things. When did I let myself go so much that I let myself be completely taken over by a guy who I was way too good for?

“Hey sweetheart you’re home early, you lose all of your money?” Roy asks not even looking up from whatever game he was watching. It’s suddenly like the glass ceiling finally shattered and the entire illusion that I had built up around this relationship was suddenly shattered. I stand here not being able to believe that I put up with this or with him for a whole decade.

I’m so fed up that I just blurt out, “I’m done, I can’t.”

“You can’t what Pammy?” He asks again without even looking at me. He doesn’t see the way that my face scrunches at that pet name he came up with back in high school that I used to love but the sound of it now makes me nauseous.

“I can’t do this anymore Roy, I can’t be with you anymore,” I say more matter of factly knowing that I am about to get into the fight of my life. He finally turns away from the game and just stares at me.

“No, you don’t mean that. That’s not funny.” He says and I know that he can tell that I am being completely serious.

I take a deep breath hoping that he will let me walk out of here easily with just a suitcase full of clothes. “I think we both know that I am being completely serious right now Roy.”

“Is this because of Halpert? Is he making you do this?” He asks getting up out of his chair and takes the few steps towards me.

I look at him offended that he thinks that I am incapable of making my own damn decisions and that for some insane reason he thinks I need a man to do anything in my life.

“What the hell does it matter? I can’t do this any more simple as that, I want out. I’m calling off the wedding.” I pause and look him in the eye with tears rolling down my face, I didn’t realize how hard this would be. I may not be in love with him anymore but I have spent the better part of my life thinking that I was going to marry him. It somehow still hurts looking into his eyes and knowing that I am hurting him.

“I just...I don’t love you anymore Roy. You don’t even listen to me anymore and maybe I am being selfish but I deserve to be selfish for once in my life. You can’t stand here and tell me that you think that this relationship is healthy anymore. We barely talk anymore and most nights and weekends you are out with Kenny. I won’t say that this is all your fault because I haven’t voiced any of this over the years but I can’t stay in this relationship any longer.”

“So you’re just going to give up on us Pam? After everything that we have been through together? After I finally set a wedding date for you so that you can have your damn wedding!” Roy yells and more tears well up in my eyes from anger.

“That’s the problem Roy I wanted you to want the wedding, not just set the date because that’s what you think I want. I wanted you to want to marry me and be my husband and share our lives together. It’s obvious that you don’t really want this and I’m not going to subject myself to an entire life of this” I say taking off my engagement ring and stare down at it knowing that it cost him less than three hundred dollars.

“Fuck you Pam! All that you do is whine that I am never enough and that I don’t listen to you and that I don’t love you. I’m not going to sit here and take this.” Roy shoves me out of the way as he moves past me to get to the door more than likely going to the bar with Kenny.

“Yeah just leave and go find some random woman to fuck, that’s going to make this better!” I shout not knowing what had gotten into me but it suddenly seemed like I couldn’t hold these feelings in any longer.

“Go to hell Pam, don’t wait up for me,” Roy says putting on his jacket.

“If you leave I’m not going to be here when you get back,” I shout as he walks out and slams the door. 

I stare at the front door clutching the engagement ring in my right hand, a sob escapes my mouth before I can stop it. Ten years of my life gone because I was too scared to break things off when I wanted too. 

I walk into the kitchen and set the ring down on the kitchen table knowing for certain that he was going to notice that I was no longer there before he sees the ring on the table. 

What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to do with my life now that it’s all shattered into pieces? How does one move on from this? So much of my self-identity came from Roy and being with him, am I ever really going to figure out who I am?

I look around the main living space and realize how much I hate this house and everything in it. I walk to the front and walk out without even caring that the TV and lights were still on.

I drive without even thinking and before I know it I am sitting in front of a house wondering how I am ever going to get the courage to get out of the car and walk up to the door. Even after everything that happened tonight, I know that he would let me crash here, no matter how awkward the ride into work tomorrow would be. It’s probably a terrible idea but I don’t have anywhere else to go, he is the only friend that I have that I trust.

I take a deep breath and shut off the engine and get out of the car in the cool spring Pennsylvania air. I walk up to the door and knock lightly shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket hoping I don’t look desperate.

He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances. Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him.

“Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance.

“Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible.

I take a deep breath and shut off the engine and get out of the car in the cool spring Pennsylvania air. I walk up to the door and knock lightly shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket hoping I don’t look desperate.

He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances. Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him.

“Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance.

“Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible.

We both stood there for what felt like forever just staring at one another but was only a few seconds before Jim silently opened the door so that I could come in. 

“Pam, what’s going on?” Jim asked and I try to build the courage to tell him everything that was going through my head. How do I tell him everything that happened tonight? How do I explain that I left Roy but that it wasn’t because of him? He might have been the catalyst that started it but it didn’t have anything to do with him, I left because I no longer felt like I belonged in that relationship, like I am a completely different person than the girl who first said yes to Roy back in the tenth grade.

“I um...I left Roy tonight. We got into this huge fight and we both said some things and then he left and I just really didn’t want to stay there.” I stated matter of factly.

I watch Jim for a few moments and I can see all of the thoughts swirling through his mind like a tornado. I see this flash of hope in his eyes and I don’t know exactly how to handle that or what to say? How do I explain all of this to him without somehow hurting him all over again?

“So things are over between you and Roy?” Jim asks and I can’t take my eyes off of his, I nod.

“Yeah, I don’t think he fully comprehended that but yes Roy and I are done.”

Jim nods and I know what he wants to ask, I just don’t know if I have any sort of answer for him yet. It’s still hard for me to process that this entire relationship was over, it hasn’t really hit me yet. 

What if I made a mistake? I have been in love with Roy for the better part of ten years and then after one night and one amazing kiss I just break it off? What if I am just being impulsive? What if I am just having cold feet? Did I just ruin this relationship over a crush I may or may not have on my best friend? You’re in love with Jim, that’s more than you can say about Roy at the moment and you are supposed to be marrying him in a month. I think to myself and take a deep breath.

“Is it because…” Jim starts to ask and it doesn’t take a mind reader to know what he wants to ask.

“There is a lot of reasons why I left tonight, but I think...you helped me realize how broken our relationship really was. That he wasn’t treating me right and that he wasn’t listening to me and what I wanted. I needed to get out before I drowned in that relationship any more than I already have. I need to figure out who I am without him ya know? Figure out what I want out of my life and then go after it.” I explain hoping that he can read the subtext of what I am saying, that he understands that I need to find myself before jumping into another relationship. I need to figure myself out on my own before I figure out who I am while in another relationship.

“I’m proud of you Beesley, you’re going after what you want and you aren’t going to let anyone stop you until you get it. I can already see the fire in your eyes, you’re going to do amazing things.” Jim says and I can see tears in his eyes and I wonder silently why he was tearing up. Were they happy tears? Sad tears? Did he not understand that I want to be with him just not yet? That I needed more time.

He stood there looking at me as if he was falling in love with me all over again and I just felt myself melt. It was like the last few years of our friendship flashed before my eyes, all I could see was Jim and me and I knew that I have always loved him too. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself until tonight.

I take a deep breath and looked deep into his eyes. I always felt safe whenever I looked into his eyes and this time was no different. I needed to better explain to him what I needed so that he completely understood what was going throught my mind.

“After what you told me earlier it was like you broke the glass ceiling on everything. I was never willing to admit to myself that there was something between us because I didn’t want to be unfaithful to Roy. There was a history between us and I felt an obligation to see how things played out with him. I realized tonight that I have wanted you to save me from that dead-end relationship and swoop me off of my feet. But I also realized that I had to save myself, that I had to be the one to break things off with Roy. 

“I needed to do it for myself and not because of whatever this is between us. You couldn’t be the reason I got out of this relationship, I needed to do it for me. But I would be lying if I said that you weren’t part of the reason. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you too, I think I have loved you from the day that I showed you to your desk when you first started working at Duder Mifflin. But I need time Jim, I need to figure out who I am and what I want and I need to be one my own for a little while. I can’t tell you how long that will be but just...give me time,” I say with tears now streaming down my face, I am so wrapped up in the moment and what I was saying that I didn’t notice that Jim was now crying as well. 

“I will give you all of the time that you need if it means that in the end, I get to be with you. That’s all that I have ever wanted, you don’t know how happy this makes me.” Jim says and I can’t help but smile as I listen to his words and feel butterfly’s flittering around in my stomach, this was really happening. 

I throw my arms around Jim’s neck and hug him, closing my eyes as I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist and it suddenly feels like coming home. It feels like I always belonged here and that this is where I was always meant to be. I never felt this giddy or happy when I was with Roy, there was always this underlying feeling of being inadequate whenever I was with him like I was never going to be enough. With Jim, I don’t get a feeling like that at all, I feel safe and warm and like nothing bad can ever touch me as long as I am with him.

I pull away from the hug and look up into his eyes and get this feeling like I was floating through the air. “I should probably go, I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to stay here.”

Jim gives me a look like ‘Come on, you can’t be serious’ and I can’t help it as a giggle escapes my lips by the look on his face.

“Where are you going to go if you don’t stay here?” Jim asks bringing up a valid point that I didn’t give much thought.

“I don’t know, maybe a motel or something,” I say playing with my keys that are in my hand still unable to look away from his intoxicating stare.

“There is no way in hell that I am letting you walk out that door knowing that you are going to go stay in a seedy motel. Listen, you can take my room and I will sleep in Mark’s room. He and Jessica are away for the weekend so there’s no problem, I promise to be a perfect gentleman, scout’s honor.” Jim says holding up three fingers with a smile on his face that makes me laugh.

“You can’t say scouts honor if you haven’t ever been a boy scout, that defeats the entire purpose of the promise. It turns you into a liar,” I say trying not to laugh.

Jim gives me a mock offended look and throws his hand over his heart as if I had wounded him. “Pam! How dare you accuse me of never being a boy scout and lying. I’ll have you know that I was a boy scout for two whole years.” 

I smiled and threw my head back in laughter feeling all the tension from the earlier fight with Roy just roll off of my back. “Alright Halpert, against my better judgment I will take your word for it.” 

“Good. Hey, I was just about to pop some popcorn and watch a movie, do you want to join me?” Jim asks and I can see the hope in his eyes and my stomach just drops, I want nothing more than to say yes but I know that it will mean more to him than I can give him and I just don’t know if I can do that to him and give him more hope.

“Actually I’m exhausted after everything that has happened tonight. Would it be okay if I just went right to bed?” I ask hoping that he won’t see it as any sort of rejection but just that I was really tired and just didn’t think I could handle sitting next to him for an entire movie.

“Yeah of course. Follow me and I will show you to my room.” Jim says and I see him blush and can’t help but do the same myself. I know that he didn’t mean anything sexual by it but knowing that at some point in the future that might actually happen gives me chills.

Jim chooses to blow right over the subtext of what he said and shows me to his room. He automatically pulls out a pair of sweatpants and an old basketball t-shirt for me to wear and I can’t help but smile and take them from him. This all seemed surreal as if this wasn’t actually happening to me but to someone else.

“The bathroom is right down the hall on the left and if you need anything else don’t be afraid to ask,” Jim says as he starts to walk out the door but I stop him.

“Hey...Thanks. This means alot to me.” I say hoping that he knows I was saying thanks for more than the clothes and a place to stay for the night. That I was saying thank you for being so understanding and for waiting and just for being himself.

“No problem. You are worth the wait Beesley. Good night.” He says as he closes the door behind him as he leaves and I just stare at the door for a few minutes wondering what I did right in my life to have a man like that love me.