She had been more than aware of their interactions the past few weeks.  Always watching and wondering when she saw a quick glance between them or a smile shared quietly.  Part of her told her she was being irrational.  Another part of her – a part that has never failed her – told her there was more to the story.  Something was missing.  It didn’t all add up. 

It was almost as if Pam could feel Karen watching her.  She looked up and their eyes met for a brief second.  Karen flashed a quick smile and looked back at her computer screen.  She didn’t know how much longer she could handle this.  This wasn’t like her to feel so..insecure and jealous.  She was starting to wonder if he was even worth this aggravation anymore.   

____________________________________________________

He felt like she watched his every move now.  It was as if he was setting off all kinds of mental alarms in her head whenever he walked near Pam’s desk.  He had tried to pull back from Pam even more lately.  He could see the hurt in her eyes when he did that.  He didn’t understand how he got to this place.  Spending time with her, talking and laughing, had become so second nature to him a long time ago…like breathing.  But now he felt suffocated and at the same time there was so much space in between them.  His chest hurt.   

So he kept his eyes down.  He didn’t look towards either of them.   Tried to limit interaction with them both while at work.  Carefully walking around eggshells so as to not let it all blow up in his face.  

__________________________________________________________________________ 

The ache in her chest had not gotten any better in the past few weeks.  For a while it seemed like things with Jim – at least the friendship part of it – were starting to come back together.  The easiness they had with one another seemed to be creeping back into her everyday life.  But just like that – it had stalled again.  He was pulling away.  She could feel it.  She could see guilt in his eyes when she smiled at him.   

It was starting to become unbearable and she wished she could fix it.  Start over.  Maybe even tell him the truth.  What did she have to lose at this point?  Things were so awkward now.  She knew that she wouldn’t though.  She would just sit and watch him and wait.  Wait for something to change.    

________________________________________________________

The door to the Dunder Mifflin office opened and Roy walked in.  He cautiously approached Pam’s desk and she saw something in his eyes – sadness.  She had seen it since the day she walked out but this was different.

“Hey Pam” he whispered quietly. 

“Hey Roy – are you okay.”  She could see Jim’s back stiffen at the sound of Roy’s voice.  She felt a wave of guilt wash over her since it made her sort of happy – that, on some level, he still cared. 

“Umm…actually…uh no..” his voice dropped a little and his face started to fall…he looked like he was about to cry. Pam stood up to grab him by the arm and lead him into the hallway but before she could walk around the desk tears started to fall down his face. 

“My…she.  Grandmom died last night.  She had a heart attack and she’s – gone.”  Roy bit his bottom lip in an effort to control himself.  He hadn’t planned on breaking down in front of her like this but he couldn’t stop the wave of emotions as they overtook him. 

Tears sprung into her eyes as she walked around her desk and put her arms around him.  She tried to keep her voice low so as not to make a big scene in the office but it wasn’t working so well. 

“Oh my god Roy…I’m so sorry.  I don’t know what to say.  I loved her so much.  I just can’t…believe it."

“I know Pam, and I’m sorry.  I know you were close with her and I wanted to tell you.” 

Pam suddenly became aware of the hush that fell over the office.  People could hear them and they were all watching them but trying not to make it obvious.  Phyllis had walked over to make some copies and gave her a sad smile.   Pam’s attention moved back to Roy when he began to speak. 

“My mom is devastated.  I mean, I know grandmom was 80 but she seemed so healthy.  She’s a mess.  We all are.” 

“I know…I can imagine.  Roy I’m so sorry.  Just let me know when the services will be and I’ll be there…anything I can do-”  but Roy cut her off. 

His voice dropped even lower – almost to a whisper.
“I know Pammy.  The thing is….”  Roy seemed to stumble over his words “My mom – she’s still real upset about everything with the wedding.  And…I mean, considering what she is going through now..I just think it would be too hard for her to see you there.  At the…funeral I mean.”  

Pam felt liked she had been slapped in the face.  Even though maybe she though she deserved it a little. “Oh…gosh..yeah…I hadn’t um…no it’s totally fine. I get it.  I know your mom was close with her mother and I’d hate to make things worse for her right now.” 

“Pammy please…you know that I want you there…need you there…but I have to respect my mom’s feelings right now…I just wish…” 

“No, Roy.  Really.  Your mom has every right to feel that way.  Really…don’t feel guilty.”  Pam was trying to keep it together but she could feel the tears burning in her eyes and the lump in her throat had caused her voice to be barely audible. 

“Okay..well…I’m taking the day off to help my mom with things.  I’ll call you later.”   Roy gave her a hug that seemed to last an eternity and then slowly slipped away and walked out of the office. 

She stood there feeling unable to move.  She turned to walk outside to get some air – to just get out of there.  The silence was almost deafening and she could feel eyes watching her and pitying her and wanting to ask her if she was okay.  She ran out of the office before she could see him turn around in his seat and look with concern and sadness and she headed out. 

The morning dragged by painfully.  She never came back to her desk.  After a few minutes Phyllis left to check on her and then came back in to get her things for her.  Phyllis told Michael that Pam wouldn’t be coming back today.   

At lunchtime Jim walked into the breakroom to see Phyllis, Karen, and Kelly sitting at a table talking. It was like slow motion…watching the realization of it all hit Karen…and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

“So….wait…Pam and Roy were engaged?  When did they break up?” Karen was quizzing them to fill in the blanks because the scene between Roy and Pam had her beyond confused. 

“Well, I guess it was like…last June.  Yeah..that sounds about right.”  Kelly noticed Jim as he entered the break room. “Jim….when did you leave again?  I remember because it was right after that when Pam broke it off with Roy. I remember too because I went to shop for a dress for the wedding the night before and there were SO many cute dresses out because it was prom season! And that was in May - didn't you leave at the end of May Jim?”

He must have looked like a deer in headlights.  He could barey eek out the words “Umm..yeah…I…” when Phyllis cut him off. 

“Oh the poor thing had such a hard time.  She broke it off and no one took it well.  I mean her mom was very supportive but she was close with his family and they were furious. Most of their friends took Roy’s side and stopped calling her.  She really had a rough time for a while there.  It was a big change for her.”   Phyllis looked sadly at the table and a silence fell over the room.   

Karen stared at Jim and he wouldn’t even look at her.  He had conviently left out so many details a few weeks ago.  Pam was engaged.  He told her about a “crush” he had.  Then Pam wasn’t engaged – and this all happened to happen at the exact same time he transferred.  The guilty look on his face and the way he was avoiding her eyes told her that she was right – or at least close.  He turned to walk out of the breakroom and she followed him. 

“I think we need to talk” she blurted out. 

“Yeah…maybe.  It’s just that..I’ve got a sales call to go on and I don’t think this is the best place.  Can we talk later?  We’ll go out after work for dinner or something?” 

“Yeah.  Fine.  Whatever.”  Karen stormed away into the bathroom while Jim walked out of the office.  He wasn’t lying – he did have a salescall.  But it wasn’t for another hour or so and he needed time to clear his head. 

He should probably just come clean but he knew that would open the door to so many questions and interpretations it made his head hurt.  As he walked out of the lobby into the cold air he saw that Pam’s car was still there.  He thought she had left two hours ago.

____________________________________________________________

She sat on the cold lawn chair that was still sitting on top of the roof.  She hadn’t been able to move from this spot for what seemed like an eternity.  She didn’t want to go home – it was too quiet.  Her mother was away until next week so she couldn’t go there and see her.  She wanted to cry and scream and hit the rewind button.  Her life had changed so much in the past 8 months she didn’t even know who she was anymore.  She didn’t regret leaving Roy but she regretted the way she did things – how she handled it all.  Once upon a time before he would set the date she could have left and everyone would have understood.  But she waited until 2 weeks before the wedding and she could no longer play the victim.  She had waited too long and hurt too many people.  And she lost the one person who meant the world to her. 

She heard the rooftop door open and she could almost feel him walking over to her.  Without a word he slipped into the chair next to her and they sat there in silence for a few minutes. 

“Hey” was all he could manage. 

“Hey” 

“So…um…I’m sorry about Roy’s grandmother.  I know you were close with her – I mean – I remember you saying that…before.” 

“Yeah.  We were close.  I loved her.  My grandmothers passed away when I was little so Roy’s grandmother…well, we were close.” 

“I’m sorry” 

“You already said that” 

“I know..I don’t know what else to say I guess.”  

They sat in silence for a while…he looked at her and once again was struck by how he had almost forgotten how beautiful she was.  Her tear streaked cheeks were pink from the cold.  The way she wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm made her look so small and fragile.  He wanted to grab her and wrap himself around her – take care of her, keep her safe.  Instead he just watched her and he felt helpless and inadequate.  He felt like he had given up the right to comfort her.  For as much as they were a part of eachothers lives for so long – now…they felt like strangers sometimes.  It hit him right there how much of her life he has missed.  She’s changed.  Her life has changed.  She might have new friends and new interests that he has no idea about.   She might have a new favorite movie or book.

The silence broke as Pam started to speak “I was…really close with her.  When Roy and I – when I called off the wedding Roy’s whole family was angry and upset.  Which I totally understood.  His sister and I were so close but we haven’t even spoken since then at all.  His grandmother reached out to me though.  She called me and told me that I needed to follow my heart, and that she would always love me.  She was one of the few people who actually stood by me through it all.  And now - I won’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her.”   Pam’s shoulders started to shake and she buried her face in her hands and cried.   

It was then that he realized how selfish he had been.  He hadn’t stopped to think about what she’d been through.  What it had taken her to make a leap like that – change her whole life.  Undo almost 10 years.  And he wasn’t there.  She’d done it knowing that he wasn’t there as her safety net.  She’d jumped into a whole new life with no lifevest, and no one to really hold on to.  And he wasn’t there.  He’d always been there but the one time she probably really needed him – he was gone.   

He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulder.  Her head fell into his neck as if she had been waiting for him to comfort her.   

“Shhh…Pam..hey…it’s okay…I’m here.” He whispered as she sobbed into his shirt.  The feeling of her against him warmed him and she smelled exactly as he had remembered.  That hadn’t changed.  He closed his eyes and let the feeling of her in his arms wash over him – the suffocating feeling in his chest seemed to subside – until he heard the door of the roof open.

“Oh my god!  Jim!  Pam!” Kelly squealed in delight. "This is so exciting..I was just telling Ryan the other day I wished you guys had gotten together...and now!  Oh my god!" 

Jim jumped back instinctively as Pam turned to look at Kelly standing in the doorway.

“Oh my god!  How cute are you?  I’ll leave you two alone!”

“No..no it’s not like that…” Jim blurted out and glanced quickly at Pam who seemed a little hurt and confused. 

“Oh don’t worry you’re secret is safe with me!” Kelly giggled.  “Oh but Jim – I was looking for you because Mr. Parker called to reschedule your 1:30 appointment with him.  He said he tried your cell phone and direct line but couldn’t reach you so he called the customer service line.  I saw your car in the parking lot though so I knew you had to be here somewhere.  Call him back when you get a sec!  I’ll leave you lovebirds alone!” Kelly made a motion of zipping her lips and throwing away the key before turning and bouncing back down the steps. 

Jim let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Jim – are you okay?  Listen I’ll clear it all up with Kelly so she doesn’t say anything to Karen – I mean – nothing was going on anyway.”

“No, it’s fine.  Really – are you okay?”

“Yeah – thanks.  I needed a shoulder to cry on.  That was – well, thanks.”

“No problem Beesley.”

They stood in silence for a minute.

“Well I better get back in and reschedule that appointment.  Back to work, right?”

“Yeah, well…I’ve taken a personal day so I’m heading home.”

Pam turned to walk towards the door and Jim gently grabbed her wrist.

“Pam – seriously – will you be okay?”

“Yeah” she answered softly “I will now. Thanks again.”

He watched her walk away and he felt himself sliding back into his old skin.  Watching her walk away and she was completely unaware as to what was going on inside of him.  He felt that familiar ache in his chest and lump in his throat. 

________________________________________

Pam headed down the stairs and ran into Karen at the landing between Vance Refrigeration and Dunder Mifflin. 

“Hey Pam – hey listen are you okay?  I’m sorry about Roy’s grandmother.  I had no idea you and Roy were ever an item – much less engaged.  I’m embarrassed to think about the comment I made about the two of you dating.”

“Oh hey no - it wasn’t your fault.  I’m just - you know, a private person – I’m not good at talking about my personal life and it’s still a touchy issue, you know?”

“Yeah…I get that.  It seems like everyone has a little of that around here.”  Karen quipped.

Pam furrowed her brow and looked at her quizzically “What do you mean?”

“Oh well.  It’s just…” Her voice trailed off. “You know what, never mind - you’ve had a rough day.”

“Karen…is something wrong or -”

“No..you know…it’s no big deal.  Go home and rest – I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah…yeah I’ll be in tomorrow – I just wanted to take the day to do some thinking.”

Karen gave her a tentative hug and headed back into the office.  Pam turned to head back down the steps and left feeling confused.  She just wanted to go home and tune out the whole world.

________________________________________

The workday was finally over and Jim still had no idea how to address the situation with Karen.  What would he say?  How could he explain this?  He felt like he was drowning in his inability to be up front with Karen.  How much information was too much?  Should he just come completely clean and lay it all out there and see what happens?  Or should he choose his words carefully so as not to give Karen too much insight into what happened months ago?  If she knew the whole story she would be hurt…he didn’t want to hurt her.  He did like her – he wanted to make this work.  She was smart and beautiful and funny.  He needed to make this work. 

She followed him to Cooper’s and they met at their normal booth in the back.  This had become sort of their place to unwind after work and get a quick bite to eat after work. 

Karen wasted no time getting down to business.

“So….you left out some major details before.  Care to elaborate a little more on your crush on Pam?”

“Karen – listen.  I never meant to intentionally mislead you.  It wasn’t a big thing.  I just…it’s hard to talk about and I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“Gee…just what every girl wants to hear.”

 “No...I'm not explaining this well.  Okay – here’s the thing.  Yeah.  Pam was engaged.  She and I were friends for years.  I fell for her and…thought maybe I had fallen in love with her.  Right before I transferred I told her.  Told her how I felt and laid it all on the line.  But she said no, and that she was going to marry Roy.  So I left because I got a promotion and I thought that things would be weird between us if I stayed.  That’s the truth.” Or a version of it anyway. 

“Yeah well having a crush on someone and being in love with them..I don’t know Jim…not the same thing in my book.  That was a big part of the story that I would like to have had before I moved here, but especially when I asked you about her a few weeks ago. And she called off her wedding right after you left and after you told her how you felt – I mean – coincidence?  I hardly doubt it.” 

A few moments of silence passed.  “I just really need you to be straight with me, Jim.  You owe me that much.”

“Look.  Karen.  It was in the past.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you exactly how it played out but honestly it’s over.  We’re friends.  Only friends.  I have no idea why she called off her wedding and she never once told me why.  She and Roy had problems for years though and he wasn’t exactly prince charming.”that IS the truth...no lies there...

“Yeah that’s all fine but I don’t want to be the girl you settle for, Jim.   I’ve been pretty up front with you about my feelings and I just wish you would extend me the same courtesy. You said you thought maybe you fell in love with her – did you?  Do you still -” 

“No – it’s over Karen.  She and I are just friends and I want to move on – with you.  Okay?” 

He reached across the table and laced his fingers through hers.  Jim started to think that maybe this could work after all.  Maybe she could be the one.  Maybe he was over her.  Pam would never be this up front with him…this honest. 

A slow smile came across Karen’s lips as she whispered “okay”. 

They ate dinner and went back to her place.  They had each had a few drinks and by the time they got into her apartment they could barely keep their hands off one another.  Within minutes their clothes were a pile on the floor and Jim had forgotten about all of the little details that he left out…again.