Summary: Oneshot in response to Strider's challenge "I'm not dead"
Categories: Present Characters: Andy, Angela, Creed, Dwight, Ensemble, Jim, Kelly, Kevin, Michael, Oscar, Pam, Phyllis
Genres: Oneshot, Workdays
Warnings: No Warnings Apply
Challenges: No, I'm Not Dead
Challenges: No, I'm Not Dead Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 880
Read: 2190
Published: September 18, 2008
Updated: September 19, 2008
Story Notes:
This will make more sense if you've seen Talladega Nights.
The Ballad of Dunder Mifflin by jazzfan
Author's Notes:
In response to Strider's challenge "I'm not dead"
(It's not too far over 700 words Sorry, I tried.)
Early Monday morning at the Scranton branch set after GoodbyeToby:
[MICHAEL coming out of his office] Listen up people, Movie Monday time will be shifted to 1:30 today because I have a dental appointment this morning. Remember, second half of Talladega Nights, Will Farrell in his underwear. [Michael giggles inappropriately]
[KEVIN TALKING HEAD] Sometimes I bet on NASCAR. [smiles]
[JIM walks over to Pam’s desk] Listen, Beesly, I just realized my driver’s license is about to expire and today’s the 31st. I’m going out at lunch to take care of renewing, so will you let me know what I miss in the movie if I get back a little late from lunch?
[PAM] Shake and bake, Halpert. [they bump fists]
********************************************
It’s 1:30 pm and people are filing into the conference room for the movie, Dwight comes rushing into the office:
[DWIGHT is puffing and caries a small container into the office kitchen, putting it into the refrigerator quickly. He looks at the camera, grinning and sneaky] I went to the farmer’s meat market to get some fresh goose liver for Garbage. It’s very nutritious and he loves it.
[DWIGHT hurries into conference room after most people are already seated, Michael is looking impatient] Sorry I’m late Michael, I got caught in a horrible traffic jam on my. . .lunch errand. [Dwight gives Angela a “special” look] There was a bad accident over by the municipal buildings on 5th. I’m fully trained in CPR so I got out to offer my assistance, but I was not needed. They already had the victim in a body bag. His car was hit by a drunk driver.
[MEREDITH looks down at her big plastic cup with the straw]
[DWIGHT continues] It was a silver Saab, just like Jim’s, smashed flat. Fact: Saabs are no safer than domestic cars, just like I’ve been telling you, Jim. [Dwight looks around room, as to most of the other employees] Where’s Jim?
[ANDY] Yeah, where's Tuna?
[PHYLLIS] Maybe he’s in the bathroom.
[PAM sitting very still – the color is gone from her face, speaks quietly] Jim went out at lunch to get his license renewed.
[CREED TALKING HEAD] He should have come to me, I would have done it for half price.
[The room is very quiet, and then KELLY pipes up] Don’t worry Pam, there are, like, at least seven or eight silver Saabs in Scranton.
[Angela glares at Kelly]
[MICHAEL is trying to think of something to say, when his phone goes off] Jan, not now. . . What? . . . Now?. . . Oh My God. I’m coming.
[OSCAR] What is it Michael?
[MICHAEL] I’m having a baby! Start the movie without me. My water’s broken. Oh My God, where are my keys?
[DWIGHT runs into Michael’s office and gets his keys and a previously prepared baby bag] Here Michael, I hope there isn’t large tear in the perineum.
[OSCAR] What about Jim, Michael? What if. . . [OSCAR motions his eyes toward PAM and whispers to Michael]. . . what if Jim was hit by that drunk driver?
[MICHAEL] Ohshhh, Jim’s probably at Ben and Jerry’s or something. I’m having a baby, I’ve got to go.
[As Michael runs out the door, PHYLLIS goes over to put her hand on Pam’s shoulder] Why don’t you call Jim’s cell phone?
[Pam looks scared and shakes her head ‘No’]
[KEVIN] Can we watch the rest of the movie while Pam calls, I wanna see the hot girl.
[rest of the employees give him dirty looks and murmur among themselves]
[MICHAEL exits the elevator downstairs, almost running into Jim, who’s eating one ice cream cone and carrying another] Jim, there you are. Do you have a blue light or something I can put on my car, I’m having a baby.
[JIM surprised] Uh. No. Those are illegal, Michael.
[MICHAEL] Oh, you’re no help. Just go up there and tell them it’s you, and you’re not dead, will you?
[JIM] What?
[MICHAEL] Just do it, or you’re fired.
[JIM shrugs] Okay Michael. Hey, good luck, man.
[as Jim gets on the elevator, he hears MICHAEL exclaim] I wanna go fast!
[Jim walks in the office door upstairs and proceeds to the conference room, poking his head inside. ALL EMPLOYEES say or yell] Jim!
[JIM] Yes, it’s me. And I’m not dead. Michael told me to say that or I was fired. What’s going on? And Beesly, take this cone will ya, it’s dripping on me.
[Pam walks over to Jim and hugs him very tight, and Jim has to hold the cones out at arm’s length]
[JIM] Pam? Would somebody tell me what’s going on?
[Later in the afternoon, MEREDITH is at her desk and googles Alcoholics Anonymous Scranton PA. She writes down the number.]
[Jim and Pam walk out of the office at 5 pm, holding hands]
[PAM] Hey.
[JIM smiles] Wanna go get thrown out of Applebee’s?
[PAM] Only if it’s tougher than Chili’s. I need a challenge.
[They laugh as camera fades]
End Notes:
I've never tried one of these before, it was fun.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.