As a rule, most McDonalds restaurants have a particularly dingy glow. It’s something with the lighting, or the muted wall and floor colours, or maybe a combination of the two. That this particular institution, here on the outskirts of Scranton, was no exception was not lost on Jim Halpert, as he sat quietly at his table and finished off his burger. As a rule, Jim was a fairly healthy eater, and he often avoided the Golden Arches when making decisions about where and what to eat. But he had been on the road for the better part of 5 hours now, and looked as haggard and worn out as he felt, and in such a state he was not willing or able to be particular about his fat intake. In fact, a greasy burger was just what Jim felt he needed.

It wasn’t just the driving that had worn Jim out. He would have to get used to more of this type of thing, as his new job at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate would demand it of him. There was a host of things that Jim could attribute to the dark pale circles around his tired eyes, not the least of which was the very reason that brought Jim was back to Scranton for the first time in three years; the funeral for Creed Bratton. When he got the news from Jan the week before, it had caught him quite off guard. Creed wasn’t a particularly old man, and he had seemed to be in fair health the last time Jim had seen him. However, it was not so much the fact that Creed was dead, as it was that a change of such magnitude actually happened at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton that really caught him off guard. In his mind, that place was defined by its changelessness. That’s partially why he left Scranton, for the second time, three years ago. In a way he felt his coming and going was the only change that ever really happened there. While employed there, there were certainly areas of his personal and professional life where he longed for change, but they never came to the fruition he had once hoped and dreamed for. However, when Jim left the second time, it was more due to the change that was happening in Jim’s life, that would change it, and him, forever.

And so here he was, back in Scranton for the first time since he left, again. His contact with the Scranton crew had been minimal since he left, initiated and perpetuated equally by both sides. To be fair, the Scranton Office still missed that energy and enthusiasm that Jim could so effectively and effortlessly provide, but nonetheless, once he was gone, life did resume normally for all parties involved. Including Pam’s.

Pam. Yet another reason for the tired, aching eyes. Pam, the one he had loved for so long; the one who still owned his heart, even after all these years and all that had transpired in his life in her absence. Pam, the one who he had cut off, out of his life, since the day he left Scranton. Similar to the first time Jim had left, he and Pam did not keep in contact with one another. No emails, no calls. Even when the DM Convention was held in Scranton last year, Jim had not stopped by the office to see her, or the crew. He knew he should have. He knew it was the mature thing to do, and he knew he wanted to so badly, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. In his mind, Jim was convinced that Pam was completely over him and free of him, and had probably moved on and gotten married since he left. He was fully expecting to meet Pam’s husband at Creed’s funeral. That thought scared Jim, because if Pam was married, then it was clear to him that she had stopped hurting, or being angry, or feeling anything about him at all. Jim could handle anger, he could handle tears and sadness, but it was Pam’s indifference toward him that he feared most. Even after all these years, even after leaving her the way he had, twice, he still hoped, prayed for a flicker of hope, for some form of acknowledgment from Pam that there was still that spark, that undeniable something between them. He knew his chances were slim, and that even thinking this way was setting himself up for heartbreak, but he couldn’t help it. He was a sucker for punishment. He was a fool, and he knew it.

Jim finished up the last of his fries, and as he picked up his keys and threw his coat over his shoulder, he looked around the restaurant, half expecting to see someone he knew. Although he had only been back to Scranton a handful of times since he left, he still felt a kind of connection, or kinship with this town. Maybe it was just the memories that he was connected to. He wasn’t sure. The patrons went about their business, eating their super value meals and happy meals, oblivious to the mental anguish that warred in Jim’s soul. How was he ever going to get through these next two days? How was everything going to be explained? What would he say to Pam?

He looked down and noticed his shoelace had become untied. He leaned down to tie it, when suddenly, he heard her voice. He recognized it from the first word that came from her mouth. "Hi, Jim".

Pam.

Jim looked up. He didn’t even have the time to register the confusion that would inevitably settle in. What is she doing here? Did she know I was going to be here? He couldn’t even get to these thoughts, because they were all lost when he looked into her eyes. Those beautiful eyes. Framed with tears already. And yet so achingly beautiful, that it ripped his soul in pieces. Somehow he got to his feet and stood in front of her. She was even more beautiful than he had remembered her.

The time apart had not taken any beauty away from Pam, as far as Jim was concerned. In fact, he felt she had only become more beautiful in his absence. Her hair, straight now, shoulder length, shone brilliantly, even in the dull light of the restaurant. Her skin, pale and flawless, glowed. Every feature of hers seemed more remarkable now, more perfect, than he had even imagined. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The next thing he noticed was her jeans. Pam was wearing jeans. They hugged her slender hips and accentuated all the positive features of her thighs. He longed to see how her ass looked, but tucked that thought away quickly. Pam held her purse, her keys and an McDonalds brand apple pie in her hands, and she fumbled with all three of them nervously. The air around them seemed charged. Jim needed to say something now, to lessen the already tense atmosphere.

"Pam Beesley. Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah….weird, right?" Pam breathed a scattered, clearly uncomfortable, yet brave attempt of a reply.

No hug would initiate this meeting. The awkwardness, the distance between them was as tangible as if an actual wall stood between them. Pam knew this and didn’t know how to break it, or if she wanted to. Looking into Pam’s eyes, Jim knew that he needed to say something more to her or she was bound to leave him, and if he knew nothing else, he knew at least that he wanted her to stay with him now.

"Pam, wow. It’s….it’s really great to see you. How are you, how…how’s everyone holding up?"

Jim kept his eyes firmly fixed on Pam. He drank in her body language, the messages her eyes were sending him, searching for an entrance, searching for a whisper of something that showed him some feeling of warmth or at least recognition of him.

Pam again struggled through a reply, forcing herself to sound more confident, more grounded than she felt at this moment, hoping only that she would be able to stay standing on her two feet for the duration of the conversation, and that the aching in her throat and stinging in her eyes would not materialize into anything Jim could detect on her.

"It’s good to see you too, Jim. Everyone’s…uh…well, they’re, well, shaken up, I guess. It was pretty sudden. Michael even let us have yesterday off…and Monday, too."

"Yeah. Yeah. So…how are you…what are you doing? You’re still at Dunder Mifflin, I…well, obviously you are…I mean, how else would you know..about Creed…uh…."

His voice trailed off. He was losing her. He was losing her. Fortunately for him, Pam saved him from further embarrassment.

"Yes, Jim, I still work at Dunder Mifflin. Everyone’s still there from when you left, except we got a new girl in who replaced you, and another guy, Gary, came in to help in sales. Other than that, pretty much the same crew."

There seemed no hint of anger, or vitriol in Pam’s voice when she mentioned Jim’s leaving. In fact, it rolled off her tongue so easily that it made Jim a little worried.

"Good. Good to hear it."

Sensing the initial tension between them had somewhat subsided, and feeling briefly that maybe the distance he perceived had developed between the two of them was unfounded, he relaxed a little, and softened his voice.

"Listen, Pam, do you wanna sit down? Can we…can we…uh, talk for a bit?"

Pam paused. She searched within herself for the words to say to Jim. In the years apart, she too had tried to bury so much of her past with Jim, and had been about as successful at it as Jim had been. But she was trying. She wanted more than anything to be over Jim Halpert. Since he had left she had experienced the whole gamut of emotions in trying to deal with his departure; disbelief, anger, sadness, depression…acceptance? Not yet. Not entirely. All the other emotions swept over her in that moment, and the rush it gave her momentarily drew the blood from her face, to the point where it was noticeable even to Jim. She decided to take him up on his offer, if for no other reason than to just give her weakening legs a rest. Pam’s mind was racing. What does he want me to say? What can I say? After the way he left me, I don’t feel I should have to say anything. Why am I even here? Why don’t I just get up and leave?

"So Pam, what’s your story?" Jim interrupted her thoughts.

He glanced quickly at the ring finger of her left hand, and noticing it bare he almost let out a smile. "What’s up with you?" he asked, almost a little too enthusiastically.

Jim was happier now. Just knowing that Pam wasn’t married removed a huge burden from his sagging shoulders. It breathed new life into him. It provided him with a whisper of hope. That’s all he wanted at this point. For a brief moment, Jim was confident again, cocky even. But very quickly, Jim’s elation was very severely cut off.

"What the fuck, Jim?" Pam errupted in restrained anger, her eyes peircing Jim causing him to jar back in surprise.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she continued. "Why of all places did you have to choose this MacDonald’s on this night at this time? I mean, what are the chances? I swear to you this is the first time I’ve ever set foot in this restaurant. I got off from work today, and I thought I’d check out an arts supply store on this end of town, and on a whim I stop in here to grab something to eat. The last person I expected to ever see here was you. I never expected to see you again, and quite frankly I was just getting used to believing that. Why? Why did you have to be here?"

Pam was more asking herself, than Jim. Undeterred, and certainly not looking for a response, she continued.

"Last week at work, Kevin mentions your name at a staff meeting and it nearly causes me to choke on my water because it was the first time I’d even heard your name or thought about you in a long, long time! See, Jim, I was beginning to forgotten about you. And it was a good thing! I was finding happiness and contentment in my life for the first time in so long because I had made the conscious choice to stop thinking about you, caring about you, wondering about you, and us..."

Tears that had earlier threatened to surface now streaked down her ivory cheeks, and her voice, at times grave and shaking, now settled and found a calm, more controlled tone as she took in a deep, cleansing breath.

At this point, Jim tried his best to intervene, but Pam was having none of it.

"Pam". His words were soft, and pleading.

"No, Jim. No. Just let me...just let me talk. Would you believe, Jim, that it finally worked? That I finally was able to not just say to myself, but believe in my heart...that I was over you? The day after Kevin mentioned you at work, I was at home making tea, and I accidentally dropped that teapot you gave me at the Yankee swap five years ago. It smashed into pieces on the floor of my kitchen. And you know what, Jim? I didn’t even care. I used to cherish that little memento of our friendship, and when it smashed and I felt nothing, I was actually happy. I was proud of myself because I had demonstrated enough emotional strength to finally get over a man who I was in love with for so long. And then, two minutes ago, I walk in here and see you, tying your shoe, and, I...I...."

"Pam."

Jim pleaded again, but she did not seem to even notice him there anymore. For all she knew this was a dream that she would wake out of any second.

She stopped, because the tears began to take over, and the sobs caused her to lose control of her speech, but she fought valiantly to keep them down so she could continue.

"I realized how truly weak a person I am, because all it took was seeing you for one, single fucking second to undo all that I had been trying to convince myself of for the past few years..."

Pam’s voice trailed off as she saw Jim take his eyes off her. I’m standing here, pouring my heart out, Jim! Look at me. For the love of God, can’t I even keep your attention for this? Pam thought.

When Jim’s gaze didn’t return to her, she turned to follow his eyes. He was looking at the doors of the indoor jungle gym where some kids were playing. The doors had just swung open and a few children were making their way back to their parents tables. What are you looking at, Jim? Pam caught the eye of one small girl in particular, who’s dark brown hair and light brown complexion stirred a feeling of vague familiarity within Pam’s core, but which she could not directly place. Pam turned back to Jim for a second, and caught Jim’s eye, which suddenly seemed to be flooded with a sense of urgency and nervousness. That’s when she saw it, out of the corner of her eye. On the table where Jim sat was a small childs toy, which looked like something that would come with a childrens Happy Meal menu. For a second, she was extremely confused, but all that confusion cleared in an instant when she heard the childs soft inncent voice from behind her when she spoke.

"Daddy, I’m done now. Can we go?"

Pam hadn’t been to a funeral in ages, and she was certainly dreading going to this one, for a number of reasons. On top of all the emotions she was attempting to understand and deal with, she had an excruciating hangover, as a result of drinking herself near to death the night before, after her conversation with Jim, and confrontation with Jim’s daughter. She had left the restaurant last night in a hurry, blinded by tears and rage and confusion. When she got home all she could think to do was drink herself into a blind stupour, there, in her appartment, by herself, blasting Indigo Girls CD’s and watching the Princess Bride. She had passed out by 10:30, exhausted and cried out, and woke up twelve hours later with the worst headache she though she had ever had. Just getting dressed and presentable enough to make it to the funeral on time was a monumental challenge.

Any hope that all of the last evenings events were a product of a hallucinogenic dream where quickly and violently quashed when Pam walked into the funeral chapel and saw Jim and his daughter standing in the foyer. Jim was introducing her to Ryan, Stanley, and Toby who stood in a circle, huddled around each other and speaking in hushed tones. Pam avoided even looking at them, fearing catching Jim’s gaze. She quickly found a seat in the back of the chapel beside Angela, who wore black from head to toe, and a black translucent vale over her eyes.

Sitting silently in the quiet chapel brought back into Pam’s mind two overbearing thoughts; her headache, ever present, and secondly, the thought she had been trying to avoid thinking about since the night before. Jim has a daughter! With Karen. There was no doubt in her mind who was the mother of the child. Karen’s features were unmistakeably evident in the face, the eyes, even the mannerisms of the child, from what Pam could tell. Jim has a daughter. The phrase kept repeating itself in her mind, as Pam struggled with the gravity of that truth and all its implications. And yet Pam had so many questions. When Pam saw her the night before she was so overcome with emotion her first reaction was to run. She hadn’t taken the time to ask Jim if he was still with Karen, although she now assumed he must be. Pam tried her best to guess the age of the little girl. She couldn’t be older than three, Pam assumed, because as far as she knew, Karen was not pregnant when she left Scranton for Corporate three years earlier.

Pam thought about Jim, and his daughter. It was clear to her now; Jim had moved on in life, and left her behind. It had finally happened. Just thinking about it caused Pam’s heart to ache with such a fiery intensity that she could hardly contain her tears. She felt a little foolish, now, crying over Jim at a funeral for her kind, if not a little strange, former coworker. But there was no sense in rationalizing her feelings or emotions at this point. Or in trying to curtail them. She wished she hadn’t opened herself to Jim the way she had in the restaurant the night before, because now Jim knew how she felt, and there was nothing he or she could do about it, especially now that Jim was a father to Karen’s child. But, Pam resigned, she did say it, and that was that. Now she’d just deal with it the best way possible.

She decided to get up and leave.

That was the best plan, as far as she could figure. If she left now, she could avoid Jim, or all the other coworkers, and their glares, and their probing questions about Jim’s return, or Jim’s daughter. She didn’t want to deal with any of that now, or ever.

She grabbed her purse and was just about to get up when the Minister got up to give the eulogy. It was then that she realized that this moment, this day was not about her. It was time to stop thinking about her, and to take some time to think about Creed. And life. Her life.

The Minister in his eulogy spoke about living life to the fullest, and being kind to one another as man’s greastest calling. For some reason, Pam found the Ministers words especially calming, and reassuring.

"Many of you know that Creed was an excellent musician," the Minister spoke. "What many of you may not know is that one of Creed’s favourite musicians was a man by the name of Burt Bacharach. At this time I think it’s appropriate to remember the words of Burt’s most famous song. "What the world needs now, is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of." Creed Bratton did his best on this earth to show the world a little love. Those of you who know him well know he was a man characterized by kindness, charity and forgiveness. In a few moments, some of Creed’s family members will come and share the pulpit, and give us examples of how he exemplified these virtues in his life to those he cared for and came in contact with...."

When the service ended, she tried her best to exit the funeral chapel quickly and with little fanfare. To her disappointment, Phyllis started up a conversation with her right at the door, and she knew she was trapped. She managed to get away from Phyllis, and in doing so made a dart for the door, not seeing Jim anywhere nearby. However, yusts she got to her car door and unlocked it, she heard Jim’s voice.

"Someone wants to meet you, Beesley."

Pam stopped, straightened and took a deep breath. She turned around to see Jim, walking towards her with his daughter walking beside him, holding his hand. Pam’s earlier conviction that the girl was definitely Karen’s daughter was now indisputable, as she looked at the girl up close. She had so many of the same features; she was tall and thin, with beautiful brown hair, gorgeous eyes, flawless skin. She was shy, and as Pam approached her, she tried to hide behind Jim’s leg, but Jim brought her out, and kneelded down beside her. Pam instinctively took a step closer and kneeled down so as to be at her eye level.

"Gracie, can you say hi to Pam?" Jim coaxed, but the little girl was unresponsive.

Pam smiled. She decided to initiate the conversation.

"Hi, Gracie. You have a beautiful name. My name’s Pam."

Still nothing.

Pam reached into her purse and pulled something out. It was a package of Grape Life-Savers.

"Do you like Life-Savers?" Pam asked.

The girl’s eyes opened widely, and she instinctively reached out her hand, which caused Jim and Pam to laugh.

"Oh! I see you do." Pam unwrapped the candy and placed it in her hand. The girl closed her fingers around it and looked Pam in the eye.

"Can you say thank you to Pam, Gracie?" Jim promted.

Quickly the young girl pushed the candy in her mouth. She paused a moment, sucking stealthily on the candy before she mouthed a reply.

"Fank youuuuu", she replied, in a montone voice, as though she had rehearsed this scene hundreds of times before without understanding the meaning of it.

"Okay, Gracie girl, let’s get you to the car." Jim said, getting to his knees and taking his daughter by the hand.

Pam got up and was about to turn to walk away when she saw Gracie reached out her hand to Pam, gesturing her to take it. Unsure at first, Pam reached out her hand and took the offered hand of the young girl, whos other hand was clasped in her fathers. Jim looked at Pam as if to say "Well, I guess you’re stuck with us now."

So in this fashion Jim and Gracie and Pam walked together to Jims car in silence, the three of them holding hands, in the parking lot of a funeral home. It was a brief moment, but an impactful one for Pam. The moment when Pam realized she may be holding the hand of a child belonging to her one true love and his wife was only awkward and uncomfortable for a second. Strangely, surprisingly for Pam, that feeling was replaced. What came to the surface of Pam’s emotion instead was that this moment felt so right, so comfortable to her. So many times she had envisioned being the father of Jim’s children. Countless times she had dreamed scenes similar to this one, with Jim, and their children, walking together, hand in hand. How good it felt, how happy it made Pam feel. Even if it was only for a fleeting second. Later on she could deal with the reality that this was not the their child. For right now, even if it was just in her imagination, she could deal with that.

"Jim, she’s so beautiful" Pam gushed as Jim closed the door after buckling his daugther into her carseat.

"Yeah. She’s pretty sweet. I think she likes you." Jim smiled at Pam, and like always, Pam could not contain her smile when she saw Jim’s. It was beyond her control.

"I know, right? First kid to like me ever! Sweet."

There was a moment of pause as Jim stared intently into Pam’s face. He was stunned by her beautiful smile. Everything about her made him weak, and happy, and not to mention turned on. Jim was first to break the silence.

"Listen, Pam. I just wanted to say sorry for..."

"No, Jim, don’t." Pam quickly interrupted. "You don’t have to say anything. It’s me who should be apologizing. I was a complete idiot last night. I don’t know what came over me. I had no right to say all those things. And even worse, to run away like that. It was pretty childish of me. I...I’m just sorry. About everything. You’re committed now. You’ve got a beautiful daughter. You have a whole other life. You’re blessed and lucky, and I should be happy for you and not be so self centred and...and... Anyway. I’m happy for you.

"Pam. Shut it." Jim gave Pam a smile that all at once told her she didn’t have to worry. She didn’t have to say anything. It was going to be okay. Or so she felt.

"Pam. I have so much to say to you, and if you hadn’t run away last night, I could have explained everything. First of all, who get’s McDonalds pies anymore? Those things are gross!"

Pam reciprocated Jims smile as she remembered what she had ordered, realizing she had forgotten to eat it. It was still in her car on the passenger seat.

"It was apple", Pam replied with a smile. "They’re amazingly good, Jim."

"Whatever Beesley. Listen. I want to talk to you, but here’s not good, and I have to meet Karen in an hour."

Karen. Hearing the name jarred her. She just hoped it wasn’t visible.

"Oh...uh, yeah, sure." she stammered. "Did you wanna get a coffee or something?"

"Yes. No. A beer. I think we need to have a beer, or a margarita, Beesley. Do you drink margerita’s?"

The very thought of alcohol just about brought back up the vodka coolers in her stomach. She was not in the mood for alcohol now, except for the fact that Jim wanted to drink, and tha was enough to almost make her agree.

"Well, on occassion. But right now I think I just need a coffee."

"Sure thing Pam. How about we meet at Poor Richards at three?"

"You’re not going to bring your daughter into the bar, are you?"

"No, Karen’s taking her. That’s part of the reason why I’m here."

What? Pam thought. She didn’t fully understand.

"Hey, where is Karen?" asked Pam. Karen knew Creed. She was part of Scranton crew. Why would she not have attended the funeral?

"She, uh, had business to do, or something. Corporate stuff, I guess." Jim’s anwer and body language were equally evasive, and a little mysterious.

"Um. Okay then." Pam replied. I’ll see you at three." She turned and walked to her car. She unlocked the door and got in. Looking at the clock she realized she had an hour before she would meet Jim at the bar, so she decided to go home, shower, and change into some jeans. Despite all the distractions and craziness of the night before, she distinctly recalled Jim’s reaction when he saw her in her jeans, that he was very pleased, and could hardly take his eyes off her. So she thought she’d wear them again, for his benefit. Even if he still was with Karen. She wanted him to see what he gave up when he left Scranton, and her, and her dreams, those three years ago.

The bar was as busy as Pam expected it to be for a cool, quiet Saturday afternoon. A few patrons quietly drank their beers and chatted away. Some of them noticeably turned and stared at Pam when she walked by them. She had put the jeans back on, and a nice, form fitting red v-neck sweater, and had left her hair down. Makeup was always minimal with Pam. She was happy with her complexion and never felt the need for lots of cover up. A little light red lipstick was all she usually applied.

She spotted Jim, sitting alone in a corner table, drinking a beer, watching the Indians game on the corner television. He was still wearing the dress shirt and pants from the funeral, but the blazer and tie had been left behind. He looked amazingly hot to her, and it caused her stomach to flutter a little at the mere sight of him.

When Jim spotted Pam, he sat up, and smiled immediately. Dear God, look at her! He thought. She looked incredible. Jim realized that he always thought she looked incredible. He had had more than a few girlfriends in his time, all of which he had been physically attracted to in some way, but he realized that none of them made him feel the way he felt when he looked at Pam.

Pam walked to Jim’s table and sat down.

"Hi, Jim" she said with a smile.

"Hello, Pamela".

"Nice, James. Pam’ll do fine thanks."

"Fair enough. As will Jim."

"So," Jim sighed a heavy sigh. He knew that this was going to be a long, and at times difficult conversation, and thinking about it made him uncomfortable. But he knew the things on his mind had to be said. There was nothing more that he wanted right now than to be honest with Pam. Just to explain everything to her, so that she might better understand why he had done what he had done.

"So, I think I have some explaining to do. You deserve an explanation of my whereabouts and actions over the last little while," Jim began.

"You mean, like, the last three years?" Pam asked, attempting to add some levity to the conversation.

But Jim was clearly wanting to stay on task, and he continued.

"Yeah. Yes, the last three years. You see, when Karen and I left, I didn’t tell you, but we had been planning to leave for almost three months. Karen and I had applied for positions at corporate the March before we left. By late April, we both had received confirmation of positions. So, we left that May. I think that’s right. It was May?"

"Yes." Pam agreed. She remembered that May so clearly now. She would never forget how she felt that Monday when she heard that Jim and Pam had transferred out. Gone, without even a goodbye. Yes, it had hurt, and it still hurt her a little even now to think of it, but the passing of time had allowed her to heal those wounds somewhat. In the days, months, and years that followed, little by little, Pam had tried to allow herself to forgive Jim for leaving her, even though she did not understand why he had left. But she knew that she could never fully forgive Jim until he did what he was doing now; clearly, plainly and unabashedly explaining himself to her, and in the process, seeking her forgiveness. What Jim did not know was that Pam was ready to forgive him. She had purposed in her heart to be harder on Jim, to hold on to the last waves of anger she felt toward him for all the things he had put her through. But even as she tried to hold on to that anger and that sadness she knew it was slipping away... Bit by bit it was being swallowed up in the ocean that was Pam’s undying, limitless love for Jim Halpert

"Pam, I didn’t want to leave." Jim continued.

"I need you to know that. I didn’t want to leave when I went to Stamford, and I didn’t want to leave when I left for Corporate three years ago. There was a time, once, when you and I were best friends. It’s so sad, because it feels so long ago now, but once upon that time it was real, and it was one of the happiest, and yet saddest and craziest times in my life. You were my constant, unfailing friend. I knew I always had your support. When I left for Stamford, well, we know why. I had laid it on the table how I felt about you, and it was an unfair and inopportune time for me to do so. So when I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to be with you, I left. And I met Karen. I now realize that Karen was my attempt at finding a replacement for you. I know that may sound cruel and unfair to her, but it was true. The whole time I was back at Scranton and Karen and I were together, it was just...so awful. Karen was nice, and we were good friends, but it was so obvious that we were never going to be more than that. And she just couldn’t accept that. She couldn’t give it up. Things got really strained between us, that winter before we left. Every day I woke up I intended to break up with Karen. I just couldn’t live like that anymore. It was killing me. And even worse, what was killing me more, was that I knew you had feelings for me. I knew that the Pam Beesley I came back to Scranton to, was different than the one I left. You never said it, and I never confronted you on it, but I knew. I knew you had had a change of heart about me, and about us. I knew that if I was single, if I had broken up with Karen, that you and I had a chance at being together.

"Really? You knew?" Pam interjected. "But then, I don’t understand. You’re right. I did have feelings for you. More than just feelings, though. I realized, after you left for Stamford, that I was in love with you. Funny, that you spent so long in love with me, and it wasn’t until you left that I realized that I had loved you all along too."

Pam amazed even herself with how open she was being with Jim. And yet, even in this conversation, in which both people were equally bearing their hearts and souls to the other, Pam couldn’t escape the feeling that it all felt a little too clinical. Like they were surgeons or forensic doctors who were coldly and calculatingly doing a post mortem. Point by point determining the cause of death of their friendship and love for one another. But that wasn’t completely true, or so Pam thought. For Pam was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the body of love they were now analyzing and pouring over was not dead in the slightest. Yes, perhaps once it had died. Once, perhaps, it had been snuffed out, but Pam was beginning to feel that things were certainly changing. Out of the ashes, something vibrant and green and beautiful was growing...

"Funny, huh? Well that’s one way to describe it." Jim noted.

"So yeah, that made it especially tough on me, knowing that you loved me and that I still...."

He paused, and took a breath. "Knowing that I still loved you, even then."

For a moment a silence passed between the two. It was fitting, because it was a moment not appropriate for words. It was a moment of acknowledgment, of understanding, of harmony between the two. It was a moment, a few mere seconds, but in that moment, more conversation passed between them than they had had in all the years they had been together. And yet, amazingly, there was still so much to discuss.

"So yeah. I think it was that March, when I finally got the courage up to break things off with Karen -"

Pam interrupted.

"But you said March was when you and her had decided to both apply for jobs at Corporate?"

"Yes, Pam. Patience. I’m getting to it," Jim replied.

"I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. We were out at that Thai restaurant, it was some anniversary of months we’d been together. Karen, I guess, had thought that I had set the evening up because I was planning to ask her to marry me. She told me that later. She told me that’s what she really wanted. But really, I was there to break it off with her. I remember I told her that we should break up, that we were better off as friends. And then..."

He paused.

"And then she said the last thing I had ever expected, or honestly wanted to hear her say. She said "Jim, I’m four weeks pregnant."

*****************************************************************

(From the previous chapter, for connection) 

"I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. We were out at that Thai restaurant, it was some anniversary of months we’d been together. Karen, I guess, had thought that I had set the evening up because I was planning to ask her to marry me. She told me that later. She told me that’s what she really wanted. But really, I was there to break it off with her. I remember I told her that we should break up, that we were better off as friends. And then..."

He paused.

"And then she said the last thing I had ever expected, or honestly wanted to hear her say. She said "Jim, I’m four weeks pregnant."

*******************************************

It took a moment for the reality to sink in. Pam sat in stunned silence as it all became clear to her.

"So, you left..." Pam trailed off, but Jim picked up her sentence.

"Because Karen was pregnant with my child. At the time I thought I was leaving for different reasons. I had it all figured out, or so I thought. I thought, she’s pregnant. So I have to stay with her. We’ll move to New York, get jobs at Corporate, buy a place, and we’ll raise our child together. Maybe even get married, if she wants. The fact that I wasn’t in love with Karen wasn’t even a part of my brilliant planning at the time. As crazy as things were at the time, in my black-and-white mind, everything would be fine. Of course..."

Jim paused, and Pam could guess the rest, but Jim said it anyway.

"Things didn’t really work out the way I planned. We did get jobs at corporate and we bought a place, but it wasn’t long before things with Karen and I started falling apart. Our relationship which was forged out of a sense of duty became incredibly strained. The whole time I kept thinking that I needed to stay together with Karen for the sake of Gracie, but the pressures and stresses that were pulling Karen and I apart were just too strong. We fought constantly. We are such different people; it was so foolish of me to think we could ever have made it. About a year ago we decided that it would be better for all parties involved if we just split. We never did get married, so the split was...mostly amicable. Thank god we were sensible enough to make arrangements so that we could both have time with Gracie. I love her so much. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t see her."

Another pause. Pam decided to break in.

"But...things seem pretty good now. I mean, I assume that. You do get to see Gracie. Do you and Karen talk much? Do you even see her? I mean, I guess you would when you pick up Gracie and stuff."

"Oh yeah." Jim replied. "Yeah, we actually still work together at Corporate. So we’re...civil. We still get together for Gracie’s birthday and for Christmas and stuff. Mainly we just want Gracie to not get screwed up in the whole thing. I think that it’s pretty important that both Karen and I remain in her life, you know, to support her and stuff as she grows up."

" Jim, I’m sorry." Pam said.

"Sorry? What for?" Jim asked.

"Well, I guess...I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for you and Karen. I’m sorry that you don’t get to see your daughter as much as you’d like."

"You don’t have to be sorry, Pam", Jim said. "Everyone in life makes decisions, and decisions always have have consequences, good and bad. Being in a relationship with Karen may have been a mistake, but it’s hard for me to say that in a sense because my beautiful amazing daughter came from that relationship. If I hadn’t been in that relationship, I wouldn’t have my daughter. And I wouldn’t give her up for anything."

"But you know, Pam, I do have some regrets. I always hear people saying that they have no regrets in their lives, that they don’t wish they had done anything differently. I don’t get those people. I have regrets. There are certainly things that I have done in my life that I wish I hadn’t. There were decisions I made that I wish I didn’t. I wish I could have some things back."

Jim paused but his eyes never left Pam’s. There was hurt, and there was pain in his eyes that he could not hide. Pam had seen this hurt from the first moment she saw him in the MacDonalds, but it was clearest now, and unmistakeable. Pam recognized that hurt because it wasn’t very long ago that she herself had been racked by that pain, when Jim had left her. She knew what it felt think you had lost the most important thing in your life, and you weren’t sure you were ever going to get it back again. Yes, Pam knew what it meant to have regrets. She certainly had her share. But even knowing that gave Pam a strange comfort, because she knew that both she and Jim had had regrets about something they now were in control of changing. In that moment she wanted nothing more that to give Jim a hug, and tell him that everything was going to be alright. That everything was okay. She wanted to tell Jim that he had not lost her at all. That she was right there, and wanted always to be right there, beside him, with him forever.

"I know what you mean, Jim." Pam spoke, in almost a whisper. "Yeah I have a few regrets, but I too have learned from some of my mistakes. I realize now that it was a mistake to ever let you walk out of my life. Yet I let it happen twice. And....and I...I don’t want that to happen ever again. I don’t want you to leave anymore, Jim. Or at least, I don’t want you to leave without me."

Pam caught Jim’s eye, and she noticed almost immediately a change in them. It was like the clouds in them were clearing right in front of her, and there came upon them a clarity and freshness that she had not remembered seeing in them for some time.

It was Jim’s turn to speak.

"Okay."

"Okay what?" was Pam’s reply.

"Okay, I won’t leave without you anymore. I don’t want to leave you anymore either. I’m so tired of living my life without you. I want to be with you, because I love you, and I’ve always loved you, and I can’t stop loving you."

He paused, because Pam was smiling the most beautiful smile he had ever seen her smile. He then continued.

"You know, it’s funny. What I just said, I feel as though I have already said to you before."

"What? When?" Pam searched her memory, but couldn’t recall a time when Jim had spoken those exact words to her. She remembered very clearly when he told her he was in love with her, on the night of the Casino at work, but this was different. It even felt different to hear it. It felt...eternal.

"A couple of nights ago at the MacDonalds." Jim said. "You couldn’t hear it, but I was screaming those words inside my head the moment I saw you standing there. And I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I ever left you again without telling you that."

There were so many thoughts racing in Pam’s mind. So many questions. What now? Where do we go from here? What about Jim’s daughter? Am I ready to help Jim raise her? But in her heart she knew all that stuff would find a solution eventually. All she really knew and truly cared about was that, sitting across from her in Poor Richards bar was the most beautiful perfect man in the whole world, who she loved immesurably, and with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. She would go anywhere for him and with him. She would devote her life to him, and herself to him not because she had to, but because with all her heart and soul she wanted to.

"Well I’m glad you told me that." Pam replied, finally, smiling still, and meeting Jim’s equally ecstatic smile. "Because I heard you say it, and I’ve been hearing you say it for a long long time, back when we worked together. I heard it every day until the day you left, and when you left, the silence just about killed me. The sad part is I almost...almost was getting used to not hearing it anymore up until a couple of days ago. When I saw you in the MacDonalds....well, I heard it again, and I can’t tell you happy it made me feel to know that."

A moment of silence passed between the two. But it was an entirely peaceful, contented silence that both Jim and Pam could rest comfortably in for hours and hours, if they wanted to. After a few moments Jim mentioned going for a walk, to which Pam agreed. Jim got up and paid the bill while Pam went to the washroom.

Walking out the doors the warm sunshine greeted them with an envigorating wave of energy, strength and renewal. It was the middle of the day, but for Jim and Pam it felt like it was a brand new morning for both of them. It was a true new beginning.

"What a beautiful day", said Pam as she took Jim’s hand in hers.