"Hey, um, can I ask you a question?" Pam asked, suddenly sounding much more sober than she had in hours.

"Shoot"

"Have you been secretly in love with me ever since the first day we met, and just been too afraid to say anything because you knew I'd end up rejecting you and breaking your heart no matter how great of a kisser you are?"

"YES! Oh my gosh, Pam! How did you know that?"

"Oh, I know a lot more about you than you'd think,” she responded smugly.

"But…how?"

"Duh, Jim, I'm psychic! I've been reading your thoughts for years. And may I just say right now, that you have quite the entertaining fantasy life!" she snorted, remembering some of the juicier details she’d picked up from his brain over the years.

"But! You! You are evil like a hobbit, Pam!" Jim’s voice was nearly screeching. He couldn’t believe Pam had been laughing at him all along.

"I know,” she laughed, “but think about what a great story this will make for my memoirs."

Jim was furious. His anger seethed within him as he kept thinking about what Pam had been doing for so long. In a flash, he no longer loved her; he hated her.

"No way Pam!” he screamed furiously. “I will not let you reveal such embarrassing information about me to the whole world."

"Well, if you want to stop me, you're going to have to kill me."

"I guess if that's the way it has to be..." he said, sounding resigned.

And with that he lunged at Pam. His hands went straight for her neck and in a few seconds it was all over.

"I will never love again." Jim concluded remorsefully, his eyes filled with tears he was shedding just a few seconds too late.

Pam’s will was read a few weeks later, and everyone cried when they learned that she had left Jim all of her Dundies.

On the twenty-eighth second, he grabbed her wrist.

"I'm cold" she repeated.

"Pam, wait! Don't go back inside."

"Why not? I said I was cold."

"I'll keep you warm."

"Wha--?" Pam couldn't finish her sentence because suddenly she found herself completely surrounded by Jim. His hands were in her hair and on her face and running up and down her arms and under her coat. It was kind of amazing that he had so many hands. She'd only ever noticed two before.

He kissed her for what felt like hours, but really it was only one and a half hours and then Roy came out and saw them kissing and went berserk. But they just couldn't stop themselves, so they kept kissing and kissing and kissing. When Roy knocked Jim into the freezing cold water Pam jumped in after him. Their clothes were quickly soaked, but they didn't care. They kept on making-out even as their stiffening bodies began to sink to the bottom of the lake.

And that was the last time anyone ever saw Jim and Pam alive.

Roy and Katy got married June 10th, but they named their first set of twins Jim and Pam out of respect. It was really a shame the twins were both boys.

"You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. Come on you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything."

"Really? Anything?" he asked suddenly.

"Hey! You're not allowed to talk!" Pam insisted loudly.

"Okay, well you know what? I'm sick of not saying things. So here are a few things I've been meaning to say." Jim paused, hesitantly. "Pam, I love you. I love you more than I love grape soda. I love you like a squirrel loves nuts. You're my bestest friend and I want to marry you and live happily ever after, forever."

"Really?" Pam asked, questioningly. "Huh. I had no idea."

"That's it? That's all you're gonna say?" Jim queried with tears standing in his eyes.

"Um... yep."

"But... I said I love you. Did you not hear that? I. love. you." he repeated, accenting every word with extreme anguish. The tears were pouring down his cheeks now.

"Well, thanks Jim. I mean, that’s nice and all, but I'm engaged. But, I did hear about this one girl from the Stamford branch, Karen. You should look into that. I think a long-distance relationship might be the perfect thing to get you over your apparent obsession."

With that Pam headed back to her desk, and Jim, full of the worst kind of depression and pain--truly, he was pained beyond words--silently made his way toward the roof.

Later, as Dwight filled out his preliminary coroner's report for the Dunder-Mifflin newsletter he listed the cause of death as "jumping from the roof of a tall building, due to insanity, due to a broken heart."

Kelly--who had secretly been in love with Jim for years--cried for a month, and then she went out to lunch with Pam and shopped away her sorrows.

"I don't know Mom he's my best friend… Um, I have to go. I will.” Pam hung up the phone.

“Listen, Jim.”

But Jim wouldn’t listen. Instead he kissed her, but just as she was starting to enjoy the kiss and give in to her feelings, Jim pulled away.

“Pam, you have no idea how much money I just won!”

“What?”

“Kevin and I have had this monumental bet going that I couldn’t get you to kiss me back. But I just won!!! YES!!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Well, now I’m not, but I was before.”

“You mean all that stuff you said to me about being in love with me and wanting more, that was all a joke!?!?!?!”

“A joke, a bet, a prank, whatever you want to call it.” Jim replied, with a smirky smile.

“I…I can’t believe it.” Pam looked aghast. “I can’t believe you’ve been pranking me this whole time!”

“Oh yeah!” Jim’s smile had changed from smirky to smug. “And all on camera too!”

“You are a disgrace to mankind Jim Halpert! I hate you and your stupid pranks!!!”

Jim’s face shifted from smug to horrified as Pam glared at him with the fury of a thousand suns.

Unable to control her overwhelming need for savage revenge, Pam snatched up the nearest weapon she could find. A pair of scissors from Jim’s desk.

Just as they had previously ripped through Dwight’s exercise ball, the scissors once again found their mark.

The cameras kept rolling as Pam crouched over Jim’s still form. Her blue, blue dress was splattered with red.

She managed to make it to Jim’s car with the body, but after she drove out of the parking lot, no one ever saw Pam Beesly again.

The documentary was cancelled when the producers decided that the overall message of life in a typical American office leading to insanity and homicide was a little too dark for mainstream television.

“Um. Okay, bye!” Pam said suddenly.

“Oh yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.”

“No, I was um…”

“Oh, no no.”

“You have to go?”

“Yeah, uh, well.”

“No, I should probably go too.”

“Okay.”

“I mean, yeah.”

“Yeah. Bye Pam.”

“Bye--actually, hey Halpert? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here. What is it?

“Um…I just wanted to say that I didn’t marry Roy.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Yeah. But, um, I just wanted to tell you that the reason I didn’t marry him was because I didn’t love him. I loved you. I still love you.”

“Oh Beesly! I still love you too!”

“You do?”

“Yes! Beesley, I love you more than anything.”

“Oh Halpert! I love you so much, but we’re so far away from each other. How will we survive this terrible distance?”

“It’s not that far, Beasly. If we both leave now, we can see each other in a few hours.”

“Halpert! You’re a genius. I love you for being such a genius! I’m going to hang up now and start driving.”

“Me too, Beasley. I’ll see you soon!”

Two clicks sounded in different branches of Dunder-Mifflin, as each of the rapturous lovers hastily replaced the receivers of their telephones.

Grabbing their keys they ran toward their cars, then drove toward each other.

But it had been a long day for both of them, and half-way through the drive they were both feeling a little sleepy.

The closest Jim and Pam ever came to being together was sharing a ride in the ambulance.

Their cars, on the other hand, were permanently smooshed together.

When Michael heard the news he considered buying the wreckage and displaying it in the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot as an artistic tribute to a modern-day love story. But considering the fact that they were both totaled, those cars were outrageously expensive.

And he never really read Fine Arts Aficionado Monthly anyway. That had just been for the cameras.

At the double funeral, several of Jim and Pam’s co-workers apparently felt the need to pay homage to their tragic romance by making out with each other.

At various times Kelly and Ryan; Dwight and Angela; Andy and Meredith; Michael and Jan; Michael and Carol; Karen and Ryan; Oscar and Gil; Phyllis and some random guy from the Stamford Branch; and Andy and Karen were all discovered enthusiastically going at it in different closets in the church where the services were held.

Only some of those closets were supply closets.

Pam couldn’t believe her eyes. Karen had her arm around Jim’s back. Her Jim. The man she had always been in love with. The man she had called off her wedding for. The man who knew every intimate detail about her.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!” In an instant, Pam was running past the camera crew, heedless of her astonished co-workers. When she reached Jim and Karen, Pam promptly shoved Karen down on the pavement and kissed Jim with everything she had.

Karen just sat there stunned for a minute. But she had never been one to give up in a fight. Rising to her feet and summoning up a blood-curdling scream, she prepared to defend her territory.

In a flurry of curls, fingernails, and pantyhose the two women wrestled their way across the parking lot.

But in a few minutes it became clear that Pam was no match for Karen’s superior combat skills. By the time Dwight tried to intervene it was—tragically—too late to save the receptionist.

Seeing Pam lying there dead inspired intense waves of sadness in Jim. He spent the rest of his career alternating between pouring his heart out to Toby about all of his favorite memories of Pam and taking personal days to tend her gravesite.

His career didn’t last very long though because after a few months Michael decided he was depressing everyone else, and bringing down the fun-factor in the office.

So from then on Jim spent all his waking hours at the cemetery. Sometimes he even slept there.

But one day, as he was lying on the grass that covered Pam’s body, he looked up into the blue-grey-violet eyes of a woman with long golden tresses and a perfectly proportioned form.

“Hi! I’m Azlynn!” she announced, with the voice of an angel.

“Azlynn…” Jim repeated reverently. “That’s such a beautiful name.”

“Thank you. So… what are you doing lying down in the middle of the cemetery?”

“I… I’m not sure. All I know is, nothing in my life made sense until I saw your face. You’re so beautiful and amazing and intelligent. Azlynn, will you marry me? I need you. I love you. I want you desperately. Please make me the happiest man in the universe! I’m begging you!”

“Hm…”

“Please!” Jim pleaded.

“Well, okay.”

And with that the pair walked off in the direction of the sunset, secure in the knowledge of their mutual love, and happier than two people should be when one of them has just spent years crying over the grave of his murdered love.

"Who did this to you? Where is he?" Dwight asked, his voice intense.

"What? No, it’s not…Dwight, it's nothing. I was just talking to Jim and--"

"Jim! Of course! I knew it!"

"No! Dwight! Wait!" Pam yelled down the long depressing corridor.

But it was too late. Dwight had already made it into the warehouse and with his years of strategic battle training he had identified his mark and was moving in for the kill. Primal instinct took over and in a matter of seconds it was done.

Dwight stood over a fallen Jim and roared a triumphal roar. Angela's face showed a strange mixture of horror and desire. Everyone else just looked aghast.

By the time Pam made it to the warehouse she was just in time to catch a fainting Karen. This was just the first of many times that the two women would come to support each other through a life of misery and woe. They each vowed their eternal love to Jim and even set up a shrine to him in the living room of the cottage they shared as fellow spinsters.

Then, a few years later, Karen met someone new and moved to New York with him. Bereft of all her friends, Pam continued working as a receptionist, until one day when Michael proposed to her for the fifteenth time. But this time he had just won the lottery.

They went to Hawaii on their honeymoon.

And never had any children. Even though Michael loudly insisted that it wasn’t for lack of trying. Contrary to this notion, office gossip reported it as an established fact that Michael and Pam slept in separate bedrooms.

Pam, herself, always refused to comment on the situation.

“Omigod. That’s half-inch drywall.”

“I think we broke his brain!” Pam giggled.

Jim snorted and across the room Karen’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“What did you just say?” Karen asked, quickly appearing by Pam’s side.

“Oh, no, it was nothing,” Jim interjected.

“No, really. I want to know,” she insisted, still smiling, but with a clear edge to her voice.

“Um… Jim and I were just talking about Andy and I said maybe we broke his brain.” Pam paused for a minute. “It was funnier at the time…”

“I’ll bet.” Karen responded dryly.

“Hey Karen, do you want to go get some more chips or something.” Jim asked, sensing the incredible tension in the situation. After all, the woman he secretly loved was currently getting death glares from the woman he was dating.

But instead of diffusing the stess, their little tete-a-tete only seemed to make everything worse. Soon, Karen was asking him point-blank if he still had feelings for Pam.

“Yes,” he answered simply.

“That’s what I thought!” she screamed. And with that she made a beeline for Pam.

“You! I hate you! How could you do this to me you little slut! Jim is mine!” She grabbed Pam’s shoulder and pushed her straight back onto Meredith’s desk.

“I’ll show you a broken brain!” Everyone in the office stood around in shock as Karen began pummeling Pam with her fists and then jumping on top of her prone body after Pam fell to the floor. Jim felt like he was in one of those nightmares where you want to move, but it’s as if your whole body has been encased in Jell-o.

Dwight was, of course, the first to step into the madness, but without the time to reach for any of the weapons stashed in his desk, he was powerless to do more than physically manhandle Karen away from Pam.

He thought about trying to knock her unconscious with a swift blow to her head, but that seemed a little uncalled for, and his grandmother had instilled in him the rule to never hit a lady, unless in self-defense or to keep her from harming herself.

Jim rushed to Pam’s side, and with tears in his eyes begged her to forgive him for everything.

“I love you Pam! I always have and I always will.”

But when Karen heard those words a rush of adrenaline surged through her body and with superhuman strength she broke Dwight’s hold, plunged through the crowd and with a few swift strokes of the dagger that she always kept concealed on her person, finished off Jim and Pam both.

Then with a maniacal laugh she rose to her feet. The gleam in her eyes shone with an unnatural pleasure on the rest of her horrified co-workers.

The entire scene was frozen for a moment and then suddenly Phyllis sneezed and everyone began talking all at once. Dwight rushed over to arrest Karen, but in the mayhem that ensued she somehow managed to evade him.

Five months later they learned that she was wanted in twelve states and three years after that she was mentioned in a PBS special on the extreme consequences of stress in the workplace.

Despite the trauma, though, life at Dunder-Mifflin soon resumed it’s usual droning pace.

The cameramen asked everyone how they felt about it, of course, but no one seemed to sum it up better than Stanley.

“That was an overreaction,” he explained.

“Hey they’re playing our song.”

“Yeah, that’s weird. I thought they only played the Police.”

“I know. Uh..” Roy paused, “I gave them twenty bucks.”

“Really? Why would you do that?”

“Because, I wanted to do something nice. I wanted to win you back.”

“Oh please, like you would ever be able to make me forget Jim.”

“What?”

“Jim. Jim Halpert. I’ve been in love with him for years. Duh! I mean, come on, Roy! Get a clue!”

“I am gonna KILL Jim Halpert!”

“Roy! NO!!!” In that instant, Pam knew exactly what she needed to do. She was so sick of having Roy steal her thunder. She wouldn’t let it happen this time. If anyone was going to be doing some killing it would be her.

She ran through the reception with Roy close on her heels.

“Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration!” she called. “Help me! He’s trying to attack!”

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, leaped into action and tackled Roy, as did half of his Vance Refrigeration co-workers. Just as she had planned, the scuffle provided enough of a distraction for Pam to make it over to Jim and Karen.

“You!” she screamed at Karen. “You’ve ruined my life! How dare you steal away the man I love!?! You whore!”

Before Karen could react, Pam was dragging Karen by her hair toward the exit.

Jim just stood there in shock, his jaw gaping open. He was so flabbergasted that he didn’t even notice when Roy finally ploughed through his oppressors and began battering Jim with his fists.

It took Pam a few minutes to finish Karen off. Her dirty deed done, Pam ran back inside, but by then it was too late to save Jim from Roy’s fatal blows.

Overcome with grief at Jim’s demise, Pam threw herself at Roy, sobbing.

“You savage!” she roared. “How could you kill my true and only love? I have no more will to live.”

And with that, Pam crumpled onto Jim’s beaten corpse, the life force forever gone from her dainty frame.

“I told you, you should have followed the Schrute tradition.” Dwight told Phyllis later. “If you had, we would have already had gravesites ready for the casualties.”

Poor Phyllis just teared up again. Her wedding day was forever marred.

Kelly, on the other hand, spent the rest of the night buried in Ryan’s shoulder, alternating between crying at the loss of her friends, and debating which of her black dresses would be the perfect mix of conservative enough for a funeral, but sexy enough to keep Ryan from getting too depressed.

“…I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It’s a good day.”

Pam finished her bold speech and headed for the lake to cool off her still-burning feet.

She only had to wait a few seconds before Jim was there next to her. He was probably saying something important, but she was just distracted by the sight of his face in the moonlight. And whatever it was that he was saying probably didn't matter that much because when she reached up to kiss him he reciprocated eagerly.

Their kiss was long and slow and passionate and long. It was better than any other kiss she had ever had in her life. But it ended too soon when Karen started screaming from the shore. She wouldn't come in after them because the water was cold, but she stood on the edge of the lake and cussed them out like a sailor.

"Karen! Stop! You're ruining everything!" Phyllis yelled, coming out from behind the bushes where she had secretly been watching the reunion of her favorite co-workers. With a savage shout, she scooped Karen up and ran off with her toward the coals.

Luckily for Karen, Ryan came to her rescue before it was too late. This proved to be a fateful moment for the two of them.

On the day Karen interviewed for the position at corporate, Ryan announced to the entire office that he was leaving Kelly for Karen. Kelly promptly died of shock. Feeling repentant, Angela offered to take care of all the funeral arrangements for Kelly. She even respected the wishes of the dead and purchased a pink coffin.

On the night of Karen and Ryan's first month-a-versary, she asked him why he had jumped into the coals after her.

"You were too hot to die," he replied nonchalantly.

She just smiled. He was right.

Phyllis got off easy for her botched murder plot. Especially considering the fact that lack of funds had led her to hire Dwight as her lawyer.

And Jim and Pam lived happily ever after--until their wedding was overrun by a pack of werewolves.

Dwight was the only one who survived to tell the tale.

But the fact that he was the only one left meant he was instantly promoted to Regional Manager. This helped him get over his heartache at losing his Monkey. He hired Mose as the sole member of the sales department, and replaced everyone else with temps. He kept costs down by not having a medical plan, and never letting his employees stay longer than six months. 

The End.