Andy always wondered what his Mom and Dad talked about after he went to bed. When he went downstairs after bedtime for any reason ("I can't sleep", "My bug bite itches", "My stomach hurts", "I need a drink of water"...), Andy's Mom and Dad would be in the kitchen talking quietly. His Mom would be loading the dishwasher with the last of the dishes, and his Dad would be wiping off the kitchen table and counters, but they'd be talking, talking, talking all the while. They talked all the time anyway. What was it about these kitchen talks that made them stop when they heard Andy on the steps?

What if they didn't hear him on the steps? What would he hear if he listened in on the conversation? One day, Andy figured out which steps were the creakiest. Later that night, when his Dad took out the garbage, Andy snuck down the stairs using the quietest route. He settled into a corner of the dining room. It was the perfect place to hear all the secret vacation plans, or where they hid money, or maybe some weird grown-up stuff that he wasn't supposed to hear.

Hank Bernard came in from the driveway and washed his hands. "So what did he do today, Sarah? How weird was he?"

Sarah sighed. "Hank, I wish you wouldn't joke about it. You know I just have to talk about it, and who can I talk to if you won't take it seriously?"

"I was just teasing, honey. I know Andy's not the easiest kid on the block. I just wish you wouldn't listen to those other moms and all their gossipy remarks." Hank busied himself with his after-dinner chore as Sarah started on hers.

"Well, the other moms may have a point, Hank. I mean, he's my son, and I love him, but it just seems like all the other kids think he's weird, you know? It's like...do you remember when you were in school how there was always that one kid in the class that ate paper?"

"Joey Shawn!" said Hank with a smile. "I haven't thought about that kid in years. I wonder whatever happened to him."

"For me, it was Vinny Miniaci. But Hank, in Andy's class...it's Andy. I mean, he doesn't really eat paper, but...he's the kid who won't sit still. He's the kid who can't control his limbs when he gets excited. You know how he does that thing with his arms?" Andy peeked quickly through the door to see his mom wildly waving her arms. "He's the kid who gets too close to people when he talks to them, the kid who won't cooperate with the Room Mothers, the kid who...He's the kid, Hank!" Sarah wailed. "That kid."

Andy snuck back upstairs; he made it to his bed before the tears began. He didn't want to be The Kid. He didn't want his Mom to worry about him and hear the other moms say bad things about him. Andy wanted to be normal, like everyone else. He dashed his tears away. He had to do something about this. He was in control of his own destiny! (His Dad said that all the time.) Andy crawled out of bed and grabbed his Star Wars flashlight, a pad and a pencil. He turned to the way back of the pad where no one would see it, and started a list.

How to be NORMAL, by Andy Bernard

I won't eat paper.

Andy knew this was something he didn't do anyway, but if his mom mentioned it, it must be pretty important, so he was never going to do it.

I won't get too close to people.

Andy didn't know why it was a problem to get close to people, because he didn't stink or anything. But his Mom definitely said it was something The Kid would do, so Andy wasn't going to do it anymore. It was too bad though, because some of the girls smelled really nice, and Andy could only smell them when he got close.

I won't smell girls.

Andy suddenly realized that smelling girls was probably not normal. It might be something The Kid would do, so it was a good thing to have on his list.

I'll be nice to the Room Mothers.

Andy hadn't known that the Room Mothers would tell his Mom he was weird if he wasn't nice to them. He'd be really, really nice so they'd like him. He thought some of them smelled really good, too. He realized he probably shouldn't smell them either.

I won't let the Room Mothers know I smell them.

Andy knew he'd have to be really careful so they wouldn't realize he was smelling them. Maybe he'd just take a tiny sniff when he was next to one of them. He wouldn't smell Mrs. Huber, though, because she smelled just like Danny Huber. Andy had no idea what that smell was, but he didn't want even a tiny sniff.

I won't wave my arms around when I get excited.

Andy's Mom always told him to calm down when he waved his arms. He wished she'd told him that it was weird to do, though. Andy tried to think of other things his mom had said in the kitchen, but he couldn't. So he tried to think of other things she always said not to do.

I won't play "Colors".

Andy's Mom had told him lots of times that no one wanted to see the Already-Been-Chewed food in his mouth. He didn't know why, because that was something he sort of did want to see, especially Mary Filiatrault's ABC food. But it must be weird, since his Mom told him not to do it.

I won't jump around and hold the front of my pants when I have to use the bathroom.

Andy's Mom was always telling him that he was way too old to do that. Andy decided he'd use the bathroom as soon as he needed to. Maybe even before.

I won't do anything weird. If anybody looks at me like I'm weird, I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing and add it to my list.

There was plenty of room on the paper if Andy needed to add anything else.

Andy tucked the pad away, got back into bed, and breathed a sigh of relief. He would look at his list every morning and every night. He'd do it every day until he was normal. He wouldn't be The Kid - he'd just be Andy Bernard. He'd be so normal that no one would even notice him. They'd say "Andy Bernard? Yeah, it sounds sort of familiar. I don't remember much about him though. He was just a normal kid, I guess." They would never say "Andy Bernard? That kid? Yeah, I remember that kid."

Andy was glad that he had a plan of how to be normal. He was a man with a plan. His Dad had said that, too. Plus, there was something about a canal. Andy's Dad said some weird stuff sometimes. Maybe his Dad was The Kid, too, when he was a kid. Maybe his Dad never knew it because he never heard his parents talking in the kitchen. Andy thought he should call Grandma Bernard tomorrow and ask her. It wasn't too late for Andy's Dad to make a list. They could become normal together.

The View from 10th Grade

by Andrew Bernard

Hey, all you 9th graders! I'm Andy Bernard, and we're going to be good friends this year. Mrs. Greene chose me to help you through 9th grade, because I lived through it, amigos. At times I wasn't sure I would, because for some stupid reason, kids thought it was okay to pick on me last year. Well, it wasn't. I got into a lot of fights, but they weren't my fault, and I came out on top every time. I'm no girly-man! Believe me now and hear me later! Ha Ha! You guys should watch Saturday Night Live so we can talk about it on Mondays. Or maybe Sundays -- maybe we should have sleepovers and watch together. Just the guys, though. No sleepovers with girls -- my mom said that. Plus, the girls' moms and the girls said it, too, so I guess that's a negatory, good buddy!

Anyway, my first column is about all the stuff to do here. Once you find the right things to be involved in, you can make lots of friends. I tried a bunch of activities last year, so I'm definitely the right person to tell you. I tried almost the whole smorgasbord of clubs - I am so full. (Ha Ha.)

Choir: Come and try out for choir! There are a lot more girls in choir than guys, but we all have a heck of a good time. If you're a guy, don't worry if your voice hasn't changed yet. We could really use help in the soprano section, anyway - some of the girls last year couldn't hold on to the gosh-darned melody, and I won't be a soprano this year to help them find it! I'll be in the tenor section, homeboys. Some of the Juniors called me Andrea last year, but there's nothing wrong with needing to sing a girl's part, guys. (GIRLS SKIP AHEAD TO THE NEXT SECTION!!) For guys only: did you see that I said there are more girls? I like those odds! I'm sure things will work out for me this year -- fingers crossed, guys!

SubVocals a cappella group: Some people think a cappella is for nerds, but it's actually very cool. It means music without instruments, just singing, and thumping on your chest, and anything that makes noise that sounds good together. I learned about it a few years ago from a teacher (hey, Mrs. Scott from 7th grade, you rid-dit-dit-dit-rock!) There are a lot of great groups out there, and last year, with the help of Mr. Finetti, we started a group right here. We could use a high soprano, now that my voice has changed. Try out, even if you don't know what your range is. If you can carry a tune, we'll have you wee-mo-wayin' all over the hallways. Don't wee-mo-way near the gym, though. I learned that the hard way -- ask me later in private if you want.

Sailing Club: Sailing is a pretty cool thing to do. Me and my dad started the Sailing Club last year, and we have a couple other guys and dads who joined now, too. I think we'd have a lot more people, but not everyone has something to sail. But me and Dad have room for at least one more on our boat-like vehicle, especially if you're a girl (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more)! Do you guys watch Monty Python? You should, because then we'll have even more to talk about. Maybe one of my upcoming columns could be a Monty Python review, so you'll know the ones to rent first. Monty Python doesn't have anything to do with sailing, but some of the Monty Python guys are in A Fish Called Wanda, and there's water in that one.

Anyway, check out the Sailing Club, and it'll be anchors aweigh for you! It's not "anchors away," you know -- that's a landlubber's mistake. My dad says "You can tell a landlubber, because he'll never need a rubber." Mom told him to shush, so I guess she didn't like him making fun of people who don't need waterproof footwear. Moms are a little odd, anyway, but don't worry -- there are no moms in the Sailing Club. (If any girls want to join and bring your moms though, that's cool. We'll ‘sail' through any problems. Ha Ha.)

Newspaper Club: This is where all the cool kids hang, such as yours truly. If you're asked to help write a column, take photos, proofread, edit, or do set-up, say "Affirmative!" (That's like ‘yes,' don't worry, you'll figure out the high school lingo!) Actually, you probably don't want to edit. The editing guys and girls are kind of like nerdy, super control-freakazoids. Butt doen't tell hum eye sayed that. I heard that Mrs. Greene sometimes asks problem-kids who don't ‘fit in' anywhere else to work on the newspaper, but there are no losers like that this year, so it's probably not true. I'll ask her this week. I have a little weekly meeting with her to talk about things. It's how she stays plugged in with what's going on here at school -- she talks with us cool kids to find out.

Audio-Visual Club: I don't know anything about this club, except none of them ever tried to beat me up last year, so I think they're probably good guys. They are pretty much all guys, as near as I can tell. Some of them wear baggy overalls; I guess those could be girls. Anyway, they film stuff, and help the teachers who are showing movies in the classroom, and maybe it's something you'd like. Tell them Andy Bernard sent you, and he says "Thanks for not being bullies!"

Sports: Don't miss out on sports! I tried out for all of the team sports last year -- basketball, football, baseball, soccer, and lacrosse. No luck yet! I'm trying to find just the right sports ‘nitch'. (I don't know why I can't find that word in the dictionary. I know it's a word, because my mom says all the time that I need to find mine.) This year I'm going to try out for track, cross country, wrestling, and swimming. My dad said an individual sport can be really great, especially for people who have trouble playing on a team. I don't know -- it's going to be hard to be on a team with people who can't get along with anybody, but I guess I can be an example for them of how to fit in. I'll let you guys know how it goes, as the year goes on.

Showing school spirit: Remember, you can watch the sports even if you don't play! There's always room to squeeze in at the end of a bleacher. Come cheer our guys and gals on! Goooooo, Warriors!

Yearbook: I don't know too much about yearbook, although I guess it's a lot like the newspaper, but instead of weekly, they publish it at the end of the year. A lot of the newspaper people are in the yearbook club, too, but they didn't need me, I guess. Hey, I'm a weekly columnist, right? Can't do a weekly column for something that only comes out once a year! They have their yearbook meetings the time of the week that I meet with Mrs. Greene -- otherwise, I'd try to help them out anyway by taking some different job. Sail a V, right? Believe me, there's so much to do in high school, you can't fit it all in. That's why I'm telling you what's out there, so you can pick and choose.

Cheerleading: The cheer squad isn't just for girls -- some guys do it, too. It's a lot of fun for everyone, so try out for the team next Monday! I'm not doing it this year, because I gained weight over the summer and now I'm too heavy to be a flier. But it's definitely worth doing! I want to say ‘hey' to my friends on the squad -- Hey, girls! Don't forget your Andy-Bear! I'll be watching from the bleachers. Listen for me cheering along! You girls rock! GUYS ONLY AGAIN (no peeking girls): good odds again on the oys-bay ooh-tay irls-gay! (I knew they'd peek.)

Drama: I haven't done any of this yet, but it looks like fun. There are at least a couple of plays in the fall and spring, and the musical is usually in April. This year's musical is "Guys and Dolls." I'm going to try out for a ‘Guy' part -- I hope they typecast! (Ha Ha.)

Karate Club: The first meeting of the Karate Club is next Tuesday -- you get to break boards! I talked to Mr. Stull, who heads it up, and he said that it's great for kids who are insecure or have lots of anger. It sounds fun for us normal kids, too, though. And don't worry, you don't have to wear the white outfit all day, you can change into it after school. Maybe I'll see you there!

Anyway, that's a lot of things to get you started. Plus, there's a bulletin board near Mrs. Greene's office where all the clubs post their stuff. Check it out!

If there's anything you want me to talk about in my column, drop a note in the Editor's Box in Room 324 -- they'll pass it on to me. Plus, talk to me anytime, although Lunch C is kind of my ‘office hours'. I'm at the table near the west end of the lunch line, ready to talk to anybody who needs me. Don't be shy -- I'll probably be waiting just for you! If you don't have Lunch C, just ask around -- everybody knows me.

And remember, 9th graders, I'm like your high school trainer. I'm here to pump (clap) you up! We'll have a great year! I'm so psyched!!!

The Working World, May, 2007

by Andy Bernard, blogmaster extraordinaire!

I guess I ought to start this "blog" thing with an introduction of where I am in my life now. And since I am currently single (working on it!), that pretty much means where I am in my career, so I'll start at the very beginning of that.

Well, I graduated from Cornell after only four years, May of 1995, and then it was time to get a job. So as soon as Mom and Dad threatened to kick me out of the house, I started getting a resumé together. It takes a while to create the perfect resumé, though - it needs a lot of work to make it sparkle. By the time we had to close up the pool for the winter, I had all the separate parts figured out, and I was ready to have Dad's secretary type it. I'm proud to say it only took a few months of back and forth with her to polish it up. By January, it was all set. Of course, I played up the Cornell angle. Who wouldn't?

Education was a no-brainer: "Graduated from Cornell University, the prestigious Ivy League University in Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University." Dad thought I should stop after "Graduated from Cornell University," but I felt the rest of it really added something. Dad's secretary told me I was right, and she was the one typing it, so we won, and Dad lost. It was funny, because before that, I always thought Dad's secretary didn't like me, but she was sure in my corner during that little scuffle. Score! It really helps to be in tight with the ladies. Even the old ones - you never know when they can come in handy.

For hobbies, I only put the most important things: "Sang Tenor in the a cappella group ‘Here Comes Treble' at Cornell University, Ithaca New York, home of Cornell University; sang Tenor in the Cornell Alumni Federation a cappella group ‘There Goes Treble' associated with Cornell University, Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University." Again, Dad wanted to cut out the most important things, but his secretary did it just the way I wanted it; she didn't even tell Dad. I totally had her in my pocket!

What was that secretary's name? Susan, or Michelle, or...well, it doesn't even matter anyway: I always called her Little Tapioca, because she had tapioca pudding one of the times I went to visit Dad to borrow money for booze. (He thought it was for books. Not likely! You can't impress college girls with books. Even with booze, it was pretty tough.)

Anyway, blog bros, Little Tapioca was a big help on that resumé, I can tell you. I should probably thank her some time. I wonder if she ever found a job after that big layoff. Oh, well.

So, that's it! With a resumé like that, you can imagine I got a job in no time. By August, I was working for my Dad's old college buddy and sailing crony, Roger. Roger and Dad were really close: they played poker every week, and Dad helped Roger with a loan so his boat wasn't taken away. Roger the Dodger, I called him. Well, that was later. To begin with, I called him Mr. Sullivan, and he seemed like a pretty cool guy who "got" me. It turned out, though, that he was sort of a douche. But that whole experience was a lesson in learning when to say sayonara. So that's what I did, and I cleverly managed to parlay-vous-Français that two-year work experience into the next two-year work experience, and then the next.

And you know, I was always learning, with every job. I was tenacious, using my superior brain power to stay at each job longer than the prior job. Now I'm like a barnacle that can't be scraped off! Case in point, my current tenure at Dunder Mifflin, Stamford is three years and five months, so...case made.

That's right, Dunder Mifflin, Stamford. Where the men are men and the women are into me. Do you like that? I made that up. I mean, the phrase I made up, but it's a great way to say the truth, isn't it?

So I'm still learning, and improving, all the time. I'm not sure how much more I can improve; I can only give it the old Cornell try. But at this point, I've accumulated so much knowledge about the working world that I realized I had to make a list. Lists have gotten me where I am today. So, here it is, webfriends.

Andrew Bernard's Working List

• Suck up to the boss. Okay, lots of people know that one, so I probably don't have to say more about it.

• Make sure everyone respects you, and if they mess with you, get them back. This one time, at a prior place of employment (2 years, 2 months), a guy told me there was an important meeting across town, and that I had to bring the donuts. When I got there, it turned out that they were mad that I brought donuts, because it was actually a Weight Watchers' meeting. I ripped into that guy when I got back to work. He knew then that I was nobody he should mess with, because he never did it again. Every time I'd see him after that, his buddies would be laughing. That guy was pitiful. I don't even think he knew they were laughing at him. Loser!

• People do things for you when they think you like them, and if you make up nicknames for people, they automatically think that you like them. That works like two-fifths of the time. Sometimes it's hard to think up the right name, so I have a little list of possibilities to help with nicknames: Foods, Funny Physical Differences, Clothes, Marital Status, Living Situation. The list helps when you start at a new place. Like that last job - it was a pretty big office, so making friends quickly (well, pretending to make friends) was important. I wonder whatever happened to Unibrow, Singlemom, LivesatHome, and Little Sushi. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I have new friends now.

• When someone's in your way, point out their weaknesses in an amusing way to the boss. Like if they're sick a lot, call them Old Never Here and be sure to use air quotes when you use the word "sick." If they don't have any weaknesses to exploit, plant some evidence of wrongdoing to get them into trouble. Some people would say that's cheating, but do they have Cornell diplomas on their wall? Doubtful! Only sabotage other dudes, though. If you get a chick fired, you're way less likely to convince her to sleep with you. That was something I learned the hard way. Plus she'll tell all the other chicks about it, and you will never get laid. I had to leave that job.

• Keep a little Jägermeister in your desk drawer. What may slip when Jägermeister is involved? Perhaps an office secret? Perhaps a lady's virtue? Indeed, a touch of the Jäger in the right place at the right time has caused both of those to be compromised. For one thing, I recently learned that a certain position is opening up, one Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin, Stamford. You know that has "Andrew Bernard" written all over it. And, as for the ladyfolk, well, I learned long ago not to talk about a lady's virtue, or lack thereof. It was sort of court-ordered, really. Suffice it to say that the elixir Jägermeister helped me discover that a certain "so called" lady was really a tiger. Or should I say, a tigress...because tigers are dudes, and Andy Bernard is all about the ladies.

• Some people say you shouldn't date someone at work. I say, just make sure it's the right someone. When wooing a lady at work, make sure to hitch your wagon to a rising star. But not rising too fast or she'll leave you behind. After a few false starts, I'm pretty sure I found my star now. Her name is Karen, and she sits two seats to my rear. I'm pretty sure she likes sitting at my rear, if you know what I mean, and I don't mind telling you that she's Diane to my Sam; we've got that crazy sexual tension thing going on. I know that she's going to cave again sometime (see Jägermeister, above); I'm just waiting her out, giving her time to figure out that she wants me. (Did you see that I said "again?") Mark my words, Karen and I will give in to that tension and get our Cheers on. Of course, none of that got Sam Malone anywhere: he started as a bar owner, and finished as a bar owner, but...Sam I am...not. So for me, it could totally work.

That's the list. Maybe I'll publish it on paper someday, so other people can benefit from it besides just you blogfans. Make sure if you quote from it, you give credit where credit is due: Andrew Bernard, Class of 1996, Cornell University, the prestigious Ivy League University in Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University. (Go, Big Red!)