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Story Notes:
This is a multi-chapter backstory on Andy Bernard. All chapters are stand-alone. The 'T' rating is for references to alcohol and minor suggestive adult themes.
Author's Chapter Notes:

You know when you were in school how there was always that one kid in the class that ate paper? Well, Andy Bernard is not that kid. No, he is not.

Andy always wondered what his Mom and Dad talked about after he went to bed. When he went downstairs after bedtime for any reason ("I can't sleep", "My bug bite itches", "My stomach hurts", "I need a drink of water"...), Andy's Mom and Dad would be in the kitchen talking quietly. His Mom would be loading the dishwasher with the last of the dishes, and his Dad would be wiping off the kitchen table and counters, but they'd be talking, talking, talking all the while. They talked all the time anyway. What was it about these kitchen talks that made them stop when they heard Andy on the steps?

What if they didn't hear him on the steps? What would he hear if he listened in on the conversation? One day, Andy figured out which steps were the creakiest. Later that night, when his Dad took out the garbage, Andy snuck down the stairs using the quietest route. He settled into a corner of the dining room. It was the perfect place to hear all the secret vacation plans, or where they hid money, or maybe some weird grown-up stuff that he wasn't supposed to hear.

Hank Bernard came in from the driveway and washed his hands. "So what did he do today, Sarah? How weird was he?"

Sarah sighed. "Hank, I wish you wouldn't joke about it. You know I just have to talk about it, and who can I talk to if you won't take it seriously?"

"I was just teasing, honey. I know Andy's not the easiest kid on the block. I just wish you wouldn't listen to those other moms and all their gossipy remarks." Hank busied himself with his after-dinner chore as Sarah started on hers.

"Well, the other moms may have a point, Hank. I mean, he's my son, and I love him, but it just seems like all the other kids think he's weird, you know? It's like...do you remember when you were in school how there was always that one kid in the class that ate paper?"

"Joey Shawn!" said Hank with a smile. "I haven't thought about that kid in years. I wonder whatever happened to him."

"For me, it was Vinny Miniaci. But Hank, in Andy's class...it's Andy. I mean, he doesn't really eat paper, but...he's the kid who won't sit still. He's the kid who can't control his limbs when he gets excited. You know how he does that thing with his arms?" Andy peeked quickly through the door to see his mom wildly waving her arms. "He's the kid who gets too close to people when he talks to them, the kid who won't cooperate with the Room Mothers, the kid who...He's the kid, Hank!" Sarah wailed. "That kid."

Andy snuck back upstairs; he made it to his bed before the tears began. He didn't want to be The Kid. He didn't want his Mom to worry about him and hear the other moms say bad things about him. Andy wanted to be normal, like everyone else. He dashed his tears away. He had to do something about this. He was in control of his own destiny! (His Dad said that all the time.) Andy crawled out of bed and grabbed his Star Wars flashlight, a pad and a pencil. He turned to the way back of the pad where no one would see it, and started a list.

 

How to be NORMAL, by Andy Bernard

I won't eat paper.

Andy knew this was something he didn't do anyway, but if his mom mentioned it, it must be pretty important, so he was never going to do it.

I won't get too close to people.

Andy didn't know why it was a problem to get close to people, because he didn't stink or anything. But his Mom definitely said it was something The Kid would do, so Andy wasn't going to do it anymore. It was too bad though, because some of the girls smelled really nice, and Andy could only smell them when he got close.

I won't smell girls.

Andy suddenly realized that smelling girls was probably not normal. It might be something The Kid would do, so it was a good thing to have on his list.

I'll be nice to the Room Mothers.

Andy hadn't known that the Room Mothers would tell his Mom he was weird if he wasn't nice to them. He'd be really, really nice so they'd like him. He thought some of them smelled really good, too. He realized he probably shouldn't smell them either.

I won't let the Room Mothers know I smell them.

Andy knew he'd have to be really careful so they wouldn't realize he was smelling them. Maybe he'd just take a tiny sniff when he was next to one of them. He wouldn't smell Mrs. Huber, though, because she smelled just like Danny Huber. Andy had no idea what that smell was, but he didn't want even a tiny sniff.

I won't wave my arms around when I get excited.

Andy's Mom always told him to calm down when he waved his arms. He wished she'd told him that it was weird to do, though. Andy tried to think of other things his mom had said in the kitchen, but he couldn't. So he tried to think of other things she always said not to do.

I won't play "Colors".

Andy's Mom had told him lots of times that no one wanted to see the Already-Been-Chewed food in his mouth. He didn't know why, because that was something he sort of did want to see, especially Mary Filiatrault's ABC food. But it must be weird, since his Mom told him not to do it.

I won't jump around and hold the front of my pants when I have to use the bathroom.

Andy's Mom was always telling him that he was way too old to do that. Andy decided he'd use the bathroom as soon as he needed to. Maybe even before.

I won't do anything weird. If anybody looks at me like I'm weird, I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing and add it to my list.

There was plenty of room on the paper if Andy needed to add anything else.

 

 

Andy tucked the pad away, got back into bed, and breathed a sigh of relief. He would look at his list every morning and every night. He'd do it every day until he was normal. He wouldn't be The Kid - he'd just be Andy Bernard. He'd be so normal that no one would even notice him. They'd say "Andy Bernard? Yeah, it sounds sort of familiar. I don't remember much about him though. He was just a normal kid, I guess." They would never say "Andy Bernard? That kid? Yeah, I remember that kid."

Andy was glad that he had a plan of how to be normal. He was a man with a plan. His Dad had said that, too. Plus, there was something about a canal. Andy's Dad said some weird stuff sometimes. Maybe his Dad was The Kid, too, when he was a kid. Maybe his Dad never knew it because he never heard his parents talking in the kitchen. Andy thought he should call Grandma Bernard tomorrow and ask her. It wasn't too late for Andy's Dad to make a list. They could become normal together.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Many thanks to Azlin, who beta'd, and muggins, who gave the most thorough beta you could (n)ever imagine. This story is vastly improved for their help. 

Please review if you wish to. I'll respond to all reviews.

I'd love to hear the name of The Kid from your school days. Or were you The Kid? (If so, I didn't even notice. You seem totally normal to me, so...good job with your list, kid.)


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