1. "It's no one's business..." by BeckySue
2. "Ryan who?" by BeckySue
3. The Office Takes on Proust by BeckySue
4. Official Proust Answers by BeckySue
I had a burst of creative thinking and writing that lead to this little number. Enjoy!
Thanks to WildBerryJam for the beta. For this, I will not punch you in the tooth ever again.
“It’s no one’s business if Jim and Pam are dating,” Angela said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “Lord knows they’re probably sinning and lusting…and, that’s just not something I want to discuss in public,” she said, her eyebrow arcing high above her eye.
---
Sitting in a chair in the conference room, Phyllis sat quietly and spoke. “It’s just so sweet. I never really liked Karen that much…so, it was a pleasant surprise to see Jim and Pam together…finally.” She leaned in and whispered, “If I was twenty years younger, I would have gone after Jim myself. I sometimes like to think that I’m his type.”
---
Looking stern and unmoved, Dwight leaned forward. “Love is a complicated thing. Just look at Romeo and Juliet. They killed for love. That’s why I have completely shut down the emotional part of my brain. I don’t want to take my own life for something as stupid as love. It’s ridiculous and absurd. I virtually cannot feel love. Never have been able to. Never will. Also, look at Jack and Rose from Titanic, Princess Diana and Dodi and the characters from the Notebook,” he shrugged. “Love always leads to death. Not a smart thing to get involved with. Get ready to sign your death certificates, people,” Dwight said, looking into the camera with intense conviction.
---
“Oh, I totally know that they’re dating! I’ve been rooting for them from the beginning. From their first meeting I knew. Even a blind person could tell that they were in love,” Kelly said, smiling. “Pam’s lucky. She’s had some bad luck in the past with love but now…I’m totally jealous,” she said, stopping to think. “I bet Jim’s great in bed too,” she finished, nodding.
---
Standing at the refrigerator, Toby stopped and backed away slowly. “I really have nothing to say. I just fill out the paperwork. That’s all…” he said, pushing past the kitchen door.
---
Stifling a giggle, Kevin looked into the camera. “Oh yeah, they’re doin’ it.”
---
“I never really got why they had the hots for one another. But, after a few shots, anything goes these days,” Meredith said, looking apathetic and shrugging. “I could have any guy I want if I had a bottle of Jack in my hand.”
---
“Tuna is the hot item these days,” Andy said, adjusting his tie. “All the ladies want a piece of that. I can see why. I mean, he’s got a nice build, he’s tall, thin frame, great complexion, lush hair, witty charm…the perfect combination for today’s modern man. I pride myself in being that as well.”
---
“That’s why you called me in here?” Stanley said, looking at the camera man. “Puh-lease,” he said, standing and walking out of the room.
---
"I’ve been bitten by the love bug a time or two. Each time was beautiful and meaningful in its own way. I spent a couple hundred dollars each time as well, which wasn’t so beautiful,” Creed said, showing no emotion on his face. “Good thing I kept all those counterfeit bills under my porch back then.”
---
“If Michael has anything to do with it, they’re personal relationship will be the topic of discussion at the next meeting and….the company conference…and company picnic, and on the front of the newsletter,” said Oscar, sighing. “Good luck.”
---
“Jim and I are best buds,” Michael began, sitting at his desk with his hands clasped in front of him. “We’re like two of the Three Amigos. I’m Chevy Chase and he’s Martin Short. No, wait….he’s more like Steve Martin. Either way, I’m Chevy,” he said, thinking out loud. “So, in the same way…of brotherhood….Jim tells me everything and anything. Believe me. I know all about him and Pam….not really the specifics of it all…but, I know that they’re a couple. Well, I read it on the form that Toby gave me…but, I would’ve liked to think that Jim would have told me personally if Toby hadn’t beat him to it. Stupid Toby,” he whispered to himself. “But, I’m the third wheel in their relationship and I know all about it. Why? What have they said?”
Everyone has something to say about the new boss, Ryan Howard.
I don't own anything....I just pretend I do.
Thanks to the great WildBerryJam for the beta!
“I think Ryan will do fine at Corporate. He has the look and will probably do well there. Does he deserve to have a better job, better pay, and the better apartment? You don’t want to know my answer for that….” said Phyllis, looking through her glasses.
---
“Ryan who?” Kelly said, smirking slyly and crossing her arms.
---
“The kid? Are you kidding me?” Stanley chuckled. “He can’t even make a decent sales call. He’ll be back here before he can move his stuff in…”
---
Kevin, sitting at his desk as Angela glares at him through the glass partition, spoke low. “I’m betting $50 that Ryan stays in New York even if he loses the job. I would,” Kevin said, looking over at Angela and then leaning in toward the camera. “Better looking women….better price…”
---
“I trained Ryan. I just hope he uses the knowledge that I provided him to succeed in the cut-throat world of Corporate. It’s an evil industry, paper is. Paper companies are virtually dying out everyday…pretty soon Dunder Mifflin will be extinct. Thus, no need for our company, this office, the salesmen, the customer service department, the accounting department….” Dwight’s face expressed a pang of concern. He looked up into the camera man’s eyes. “Can you excuse me? I have some business I need to take care of…” he said, standing and hurrying out of the conference room and towards the kitchen doors. Angela eagerly follows behind him a mere thirty seconds later.
---
“I think we were all a little shocked that Ryan was the one to get the job. Everyone thought that Karen would get it…” Pam said, darting her eyes between the wall and the camera.
---
Oscar sat patiently as he answered. “The pay increase is off the charts. I did the numbers the day he told us he was leaving. He did the right thing by taking the position. It’s about two times as much as the settlement they offered me after….the…incident,” Oscar said, sheepishly trailing off.
---
With her brow raised, Angela answered coldly, “There are more qualified people for the position. And no, I’m not talking about Michael….or Jim or Karen…” she said, tilting her head.
---
“When did he leave?” Creed asked, with a finger up to his chin. He nodded and then finished, “Oh, I remember it now. He flipped the bird and walked all over the desks. I think he cursed on his way out the door too. I was utterly appalled,” he said, looking genuinely upset.
---
“Ryan is now known at the betrayer of the brethren…by Michael…and myself. We’re the only ones to actually call him that….when he’s not around. He is our boss after all,” Andy said, nodding.
---
“The entire office-excluding Angela- has placed bets on Ryan’s term as boss,” Kevin continued, snickering. “I’ve got four bets that say he loses the job in the first three weeks, two bets that he quits, one bet that says he’ll end up like Jan-living in Michael’s condo-, and three that say he didn’t really get the job and just lied about it. We’re all extremely excited to see who wins the jackpot.”
---
“Creed said what?” Jim asked, a look of confusion on his face. “I’m pretty sure he saw that on a movie somewhere or…the homeless shelter he frequents on a daily basis.”
---
“I don’t know anyone by that name,” Michael said, crossing his arms and turning up his chin. “Even if I did, I wouldn’t express how deeply hurt I am. Deeply hurt….straight to the heart….betraying his own office-”
---
Toby held out his arms. “Hey…whatever it takes to get out of this...place…I say…go for it.”
---
“I don’t really like talking about him,” Kelly said, defensively. “Toby agrees with me. We should all just keep our mouths shut while we’re working…and while he’s on the phone…and on lunch break…or while he‘s in the bathroom… Some people just don’t know how to shut their mouths apparently. He’s told me that a few times….” Kelly said, shrugging innocently.
---
“Do I regret not taking the position?” Jim repeated. “I have my days. But, then I focus on the good things here…and it makes it all worth it,” Jim said, smiling as he glanced up at the ceiling then back down.
---
“-He’s like Brutus! A Brutus! He stabbed me in cold blood and just left! Just….ugh, walked out on us. If he was a real part of this family, he would be the deadbeat dad right about now. He's like the deadbeat dad that would hit Mommy at the dinner table and then pretend nothing happened. He's the type of daddy that would leave his children in the ditch if they fell off their bikes...and go get a beer from the fridge as they screamed bloody murder- not that I know from personal experience or anything- Ryan would be that jerk though...." Michael said emotionally. “But…I’m gonna be the bigger man and decline to speak about this awful and heartbreaking subject.”
Your most marked characteristic?
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Kelly: “I would have to say…being married to a billionaire hottie and having hundreds of babies at our mansion in the Hamptons.”
Pam: “Pursing my dreams and actually succeeding.”
Jim: “Dwight wouldn’t exist so…I’m gonna say ‘no comment’ just in case I’m not allowed to say that.”
Meredith: “Me-ten years younger, a beach, white sand, a man in a blue speedo, and no kids in sight. That’s pretty much perfect to me. A drink in one hand, a man in the other.”
What is your greatest fear?
Toby: “Working here for the rest of my life…while Michael manages the branch.”
Angela: “The Lord‘s wrath….and, the group of Mexicans that moved in down the street from me.”
Dwight: “I don’t get frightened by things of this world. Now, show me a rogue unicorn that is interested in hurting humans and I’m useless. My strength will not stop them nor will any technology that man has created. That concerns me. Otherwise, I‘m not a sissy at all.”
Creed: “Marriage.”
Michael: “I’m not really scared of anything. Oh…wait…(thinks) I’m afraid of ticks. They weird me out.”
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Dwight: “I don’t identify with him right now, but when I have the power to rule like he did, I will model my government after Adolf. He was such a history maker.”
Michael: “Do you remember that movie where Joaquin Phoenix plays that really bad guy with Russell Crow? Well, I’d be him. I’d be Joaquin. He was a tortured soul…but powerful…and looked good in armor and a cape.”
Which living person do you most admire?
Dwight: “Myself.”
Andy: “Hmmm…that’s a toughy. I admire my superiors. (to the camera man) Will they be seeing this? Because if so, I admire you guys…a lot.”
Pam: “My mother.”
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Dwight: “I am reminded of Superman. His only weakness was loving and caring for this human race. I, too, have that weakness.”
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Michael: “Fugly.”
Kevin: “I hate when people are up-tight and hateful. And, I hate sitting across from those people that are like that.”
What is your greatest extravagance?
Jim: “I don’t frivolously spend usually…but most of my checks are spent on restaurants. And, the satellite bill.”
Meredith: “Anti-depressants. And a little friend of mine, Jose Cuervo.”
Dwight: “My time. I waste a lot of time caring…”
What is your favorite journey?
Dwight: “I would love to walk the path to Mordor…and find the places that the hobbits and all the other members of the fellowship walked. It would be nostalgic and meaningful.”
Kevin: “Journey. The band.”
Toby: “From the moment I leave the office to when I arrive home at night. It’s so freeing.”
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Dwight: “Honesty.”
Angela: “Kindness.”
Michael: “I think that show…uh…The Hills is overrated. It’s not really that good…”
On what occasion do you lie?
Creed: “I don’t lie. Never have been able to. But, on occasion, I lie when I’m asked any type of question where I have to be honest. It’s all that Albanian woman’s fault.”
Pam: (eyeing camera man) “I only lie when someone gets up in my face wanting to know how my day was or about something personal that I’m just not ready to discuss.”
Angela: “Lying is a sin. There is no level of sin. So, even if I lie, to God it seems like I just committed murder. Therefore, I tend to find other ways around lying. Such as: avoiding the truth.”
Michael: “When I’ve done something wrong. Little white lies never hurt anyone. Except when they escalate into bigger lies that end up making Jan even more mad-”
Jim: “Let me see….when my mother asks me how I am when I’ve had a bad week…or month. I can’t let her worry about me. Usually she figures out how I really am and I get a card or some baked goods in the mail three days later. It sometimes pays to lie to your folks…”
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Pam: “I rarely like anything about my appearance…but, I‘ve heard that I have really pretty eyes.”
Kelly: “I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m beautiful. I am. It’s only a matter of seconds before people notice when I walk into a room.”
Which living person do you most despise?
Dwight: “Easy….everyone.”
Kevin: “Angela from accounting…and Ferris Bueller…he was such a show off.”
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Oscar: “’Yes, mother.’”
Pam: “’Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.’ I’ve said that five years too many.”
Phyllis: “I don’t think I ever overuse any phrases or words. I usually keep to myself and get straight to the point when speaking. My husband, Bob Vance-Vance Refrigeration-is the same way. We‘re quiet people.”
What is your greatest regret?
Jim: “Introducing myself to Dwight Schrute on my first day of work here.”
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Dwight: “No comment.”
Michael: “Jan would kill me if I didn’t say she was, so I guess I’ll say Jan….but, if Jan wasn‘t around…I‘d say Cheez Its. Those things are amazingly delicious.”
Kelly: “A few months ago, I would’ve said Ryan. But, now…the greatest love of my life is myself…and my Jimmy Choo heels.”
Which talent would you most like to have?
Jim: “The ability to tune people out.”
Michael: “I would like to be able to read people’s mind….yeah….just so I can hear their thoughts about what they think of me. A lot of the times, I know my employees don’t express how much I mean to them because it‘s embarrassing to be the suck up. So, if I could read their thoughts, I would know how much they love me. And, I could tell what Jan’s really thinking when I ask her what she is thinking. For some reason, I always feel like she’s lying.”
Part Two of my Proust Experiment. Thanks to WBJ for the beta...
What is your current state of mind?
Meredith: “Everything is usually hazy. So…hazy. Is hazy a state of mind?”
Creed: “Illinois.”
Pam: “I’m usually content. It’s only when Michael asks me to rewrite his messages in another color when I start to lose it.”
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Dwight: “Nothing. We are a superior race, the Schrute clan is.”
Jim: “Let me see…(thinks) I would change…the gene in our chromosomes that cause heart disease. Or, wish my sister away like I did when I was nine…”
Michael: “Jeff.”
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Michael: “Working here. It has been an honor to serve Dunder Mifflin for fourteen years. The reason? I’m a manager. How many people go to work saying that their the manager of their work? Not many. And, the other reason would be…because I lost my trophy from the third grade science fair and have no way to prove that I got honorable mention.”
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Creed: “I’d come back as a quality assurance man at this paper company. There’d be no surprises if I did. If not, I‘d bet my left shoe that I‘d get shafted and be turned into a spider monkey. (thinks) Long story….”
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Angela: “I don’t believe in reincarnation. But, if by chance it works out that way, I’d like to think that I’d become a feline of great beauty. You know, since I care greatly for my cats.”
Kevin: “You know the poles that strippers use to swing and dance on? I’d come back as that.”
Andy: “That’s so simple it’s stupid…duh…myself!”
What is your most treasured possession?
Kevin: “A signed pigskin from the Dallas Cowboys. I keep it hidden so Stacy or Abby won’t touch it. Last time I played with it, I smudged some of the autographs.”
Phyllis: “My great grandmother’s knitting needles. She knitted my baby blanket. There’s over a 2,000 stitches in that thing. Wait, I change my answer. My baby blanket that my great grandmother made me. (to the side) I wonder where that went…”
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Meredith: “When you have to sell your body for things. Anything…food, acceptance, booze…it’s all appalling and I regret ever getting that low.”
Where would you like to live?
Andy: “Wherever people accept me. Not including my mother’s basement.”
Jim: “It doesn’t matter which city, but I hate living in apartments. I know my neighbors way too well.”
Angela: “At a small, nice, quiet farm far away from civilization.”
Pam: “No where near Jane and Chris in apartment 307 in Constantine Heights Apartments.”
What is your favorite occupation?
Pam: “Not this one.”
Jim: “I coached some b-ball at the Y when I was in college. But, it’s not really an occupation when you’re not getting paid, right?”
Andy: “The ultimate occupation would be like…being in the FBI or CIA. I could do that. Keeping secrets and messing with people’s minds are my forte. Or, doing what Jack Bauer does everyday. I mean, every hour of his life is action packed. How does the man ever sleep?”
Michael: “This one, of course. Could it get any better?”
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Jim: “Uhh….”
Dwight: “Testosterone.”
Michael: “Go ask Oscar…”
Meredith: “Ass, pecks, and….(looks innocent) what?”
Pam: “They’re good natured side. And, the way some of them make me feel special.”
Phyllis: “Tall. Handsome. Handy. Smart. Rich. I got all that when I married Bobby.”
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Jim: “There’s a lot. Let me see (counts on fingers)…A sense of humor, great personality, nice smile, sincere heart, outgoing…ummm…need I go on?”
Kevin: (snickers) “Let me just say that it’s not her brains.”
Stanley: “Are you trying to get me in trouble?”
Andy: “Her undying affection for me.”
Angela: “I don’t really like other women. Thus, why I don’t speak to my sister or her daughters…or my mother…”
Who are your favorite writers?
Michael: “The guy who wrote and drew the Snoopy cartoons. He’s a genius.”
Andy: “The writers for Lost. The best series writing I’ve seen in years.”
Dwight: “Tolkien.”
Kelly: “Whoever created the Shopaholic series is like my favorite-est person ever. I mean I haven’t read them… who has time to sit down and read these days? Oh, and the Gossip Girl series! Did you hear it’s a show now? Now, I don’t even have to pick up the books!”
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Dwight: “There are too many to just pick one. But, I will say….(thinks) the first winner of Survivor; Richard.”
Who are your heroes in real life?
Dwight: “I already told you. Richard from Survivor. Next question.”
Oscar: “All the firemen and police officers….”
Michael: “Buddha, Gandhi, Jesus, Moses, Oprah, Tom Cruise, Neil Armstrong….”
What is it that you most dislike?
Oscar: “Homo-phobes…and posers.”
Jim: “Do you really want me to say it?-”
Creed: “Rectal exams and boils.”
Pam: “Spiders….”
Jim: (raises eyebrows and smiles) “Fine. Stinky belly buttons. It’s disgusting…and yet, it happens to the best of us.”
Meredith: “Foot rot. Disgusting.”
How would you like to die?
Kevin: “In the arms of a beautiful woman on a warm sunny day with a can of Schlitz in my hand.”
Kelly: “I don’t want to talk about death. It creeps me out.”
Jim: “Hopefully, in my sleep. You know, peaceful…”
Angela: “It doesn’t really matter, because I have assurance that my life really begins after this earthly life vanishes. Or, I’ll be taken in the Rapture.”
Dwight: “Long before my body decides to shut down, I’ll have made a machine that can harvest my entire body and replenish its strength on a daily basis. I will be virtually immortal.”
What is your motto?
Kelly: “Motto? What’s that? (leans forward to hear camera man speak) Oh, ummm…I would have to say…‘Girls just wanna have fun.’”
Kevin: “Live free or die hard.”
Jim: “’It’s only eight hours a day, Jim. It’s only eight hours.’”
Toby: “It could be worse.”
Michael: “They’re GREAT! You know, Tony the Tiger….get it?”