The Cold Open

 

 

INT. Dunder-Mifflin Office, Break Room

JIM and PAM are sitting side by side at a table in the Break Room. On the table are remnants of their lunch together (yogurt container, crust of ham and cheese sandwich, etc.) Both look unhappy, and in particular PAM looks emotional.

 

PAM

(turning to JIM and said sorrowfully)

Um, I don’t know how to say this exactly.

(exhales sharply and seems to summon her courage)

But, my mom died, and I, uh, have to drive home to be with my family tonight.

(she looks down at the table, as if she is too emotional to even be able to look at JIM)

 

There is a second or two pause between them as PAM continues to look down, while JIM stares at her.

 

JIM

(judgmentally)

Yeah, no.

 

PAM

(looks up at JIM and smiles)

What? C’mon, that was amazing.

 

JIM

It was alright. [beat] I guess.

 

PAM

(continuing to smile)

You guess?

 

JIM

Yeah, I mean, well, do you want to see how it’s actually done?

 

PAM

Oh, really? Yeah, alright, let’s see it.

(motions towards him to try)

 

JIM

(Gives PAM a smirk, and then stares down at the table for a moment, before he looks up at her. Suddenly his eyes are slightly watery and his voice quivers a little as he speaks.)

My dad just called from the hospital, and um…

(holds his hand to his mouth as if he is too overcome to speak, PAM shakes her head in disbelief)

…my mom was in an accident, and she’s [beat] gone, she’s just gone, and I have to be with her. Now. Because [beat] it’s the only time I have left...

(much like in ‘Drug Testing’ he waves off further words, and stares down at the table again for a brief moment, before looking back up at PAM with a wide smile)

 

PAM

(impressed)

Wow. We are definitely going to your mom’s funeral.

 

JIM

(nods his head in agreement)

See? That’s what I’m saying.

 

There is a brief pause between them, as they look at each other and smile.

 

JIM (cont.)

(laughs a little)

Alright, so you want to go talk to him?

(stands up from table)

 

PAM

(gets up from the table)

Yeah, might as well.

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office

MICHAEL is in his office alone, reclining in his chair with his feet up on the desk. He is playing with a Cootie Catcher/Paper Fortune Teller. There is a knock at the door, and the camera swings over to see JIM and PAM through the window, standing outside.

 

MICHAEL

Come in.

 

JIM and PAM walk into MICHAEL’s Office together, with PAM holding JIM’s arm comfortingly, and rubbing his back. JIM is slightly hunched, and is visibly emotionally drained.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

(concernedly)

Whoa, Jimbo, what’s wrong?

 

PAM looks over to JIM supportively.

 

PAM

(softly)

Its okay, Jim. Tell him.

 

JIM

(in the same fake emotional voice as in the Break Room)

Um, Michael, My dad just called from the hospital and [beat] there’s been an accident.

(stops as if overcome with emotion, but he fights to continue)

My mom [beat] they think she won’t make it. So, I’m going to go [beat] be with my family, and uh, I just wanted to let you know, because of tonight.

 

MICHAEL

(sighs and nods gravely)

Really? Wow. That’s [beat] why don’t you two sit down for just a second?

 

JIM looks at PAM, but she shrugs and the two of them sit down in the chairs in front of MICHAEL’s desk.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

Wow, mom in an accident, that’s [beat] heavy [beat] heavy stuff.

 

JIM

(still emotionally)

Yeah. I really think I should be going though, my family needs me.

 

MICHAEL

Yeah, no, of course. Um, just one thing before you go though.

 

JIM

What?

 

MICHAEL

(yells past JIM and PAM)

Angela! Stanley! Phyllis!

 

Both JIM and PAM look confused at MICHAEL’s words, but remain seated. They both turn around in their chairs to see the people MICHAEL called for come filling in through the door. All three of them stand behind the chairs, and face MICHAEL.

 

ANGELA

(angrily)

What Michael? I’ve told you this is a time of grief for me!

 

MICHAEL

(unfazed)

I know.

(turns his attention to STANLEY)

So, Stanley, I forgot, what happened with you today?

 

STANLEY

(exhaustedly)

Michael I told you twice, my mother in law is sick, and I’m leavin’ early.

 

MICHAEL

Uh-huh. And Phyllis, what about you?

 

PHYLLIS

(looks suddenly nervous)

Um, Bob Vance’s brother fell [beat] and is in the hospital [beat] in Philadelphia. I have to leave early.

 

MICHAEL

(looks at camera and said smugly)

And what about you Angela?

 

ANGELA

(looks across and over at STANLEY and PHYLLIS angrily)

My cat Otter is at the vet, and she’s having surgery tonight.

 

MICHAEL

(crosses his arms and leans back in his chair a little)

So, dying mom, sick mother in law, hurt brother in law, and dead cat.

 

ANGELA

(interrupting curtly)

She’s not dead, she’s having surgery.

 

MICHAEL

(re-interrupting)

Fake surgery!

 

ANGELA

(shocked)

Wha-

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting loudly)

You know, I would have expected this from Toby, but not you guys.

(in terrible Italian accent)

You broke my heart!

(returns to normal voice)

All of you!

 

STANLEY

(clearly seeing that MICHAEL realizes his lie)

Michael, I don’t….

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting even more loudly)

No! No. Jan is making ravioli!

 

PAM

(breaking character and said earnestly)

Seriously?

 

MICHAEL

(said in a normal volume)

Well, it’s Chef Boyardee.

(raises his voice, again)

But still! You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I try to include you. I stretch out [beat] the ivy branch of friendship and you all smack it out of my hand.

 

PHYLLIS

I think that’s olive—

 

ANGELA

(interrupting)

Michael, Otter is actually sick.

 

MICHAEL

(testily)

Well this is mandatory, Angela. Okay, and that’s goes for all of you fakers too.

(points at everyone else, who now all have their heads bowed embarrassedly, indicating that they realize they’ve been caught.)

And you know what? I am going to spend the rest of my day, calling the people you said were sick or hurt, and telling them what you did.

(a little self-righteously)

So there.

 

JIM

You can’t do that, Michael.

 

MICHAEL

Oh, can’t I, Jim? [beat] Can’t I?

 

JIM

No [beat] you can’t.

 

MICHAEL

(thinks about it for a second)

Okay, fine. But you all better be at the Condo at Six sharp for the funnest dinner party ever. [beat]

(said dramatically and with a smile)

I bought Twister.

(looks around for reaction)

Right? Stuff happens when you play Twister [beat]

(waves his hands in the air manically)

Alright, you’ll see. Now get out of here, I’ve got to finish preparing.

With no more arguments, PHYLLIS, ANGELA, STANLEY, JIM, and PAM dejectedly leave MICHAEL’s Office.

 

CUT TO: Main Office, JIM’s Desk

The camera cuts to a continuous shot of everyone leaving MICHAEL’s Office, with JIM and PAM being the last out. They linger together behind JIM’s desk.

 

JIM

We definitely should have gone with women’s problems.

 

PAM nods in agreement, and they part. She walks out of frame back towards Reception, while JIM sits down at his desk in the right-side of the frame. Through the open door of MICHAEL’s Office, in the left-side of the frame, we can see him staring at JIM sadly for a second. Then in a moment, the emotion is gone.

 

MICHAEL

(yelling from his office)

Pam, has my dry cleaning come in yet!?

 

JIM turns in his chair to look at Reception, where the camera pans to see PAM near the coat rack where she has frozen in place, hand to her head. She turns and looks at JIM.

 

PAM

Definitely women’s problems.

 

END OF COLD OPEN

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

EXT. MICHAEL’s Condo, Nighttime

MICHAEL’s condo is seen from the street, which is lined with cars. Visible from every window are the lights on inside, and a faint buzz of conversation can be heard.

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Condo, Living Room

Decoratively, MICHAEL’s Living Room looks as though a Pottery Barn catalog and an antique fair had a lovechild. The furniture, the framed works on the wall, and the knick-knacks spread throughout, should give a sense of Jan trying desperately to decorate her first “couples home” but spending too much money doing so.

Additionally, several people are standing or sitting talking, including PHYLLIS and BOB VANCE, JIM and PAM, STANLEY, KEVIN, and CREED. All of whom are holding a beer or a martini glass. The camera then pans over to the corner of the room where MICHAEL is standing behind a somewhat makeshift Wet Bar, serving OSCAR.

 

MICHAEL

(to OSCAR)

Cosmo?

 

OSCAR

(skeptically)

Michael, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I like Cosmos.

 

MICHAEL

Uh…

(reaches out of sight down behind the counter, and pulls out what is obviously his Cosmo)

Cosmos aren’t gay, Oscar.

(there is an awkward pause for a moment before he hurriedly continues)

Though if they were [beat]

(MICHAEL proceeds to gulp down the rest of his Cosmo quickly)

I would definitely go gay for them. ‘Cause they are dee-lish.

 

OSCAR

(resignedly)

Alright, sure then.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

(serves OSCAR a Cosmo)

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Behind Wet Bar]

(proudly)

Yeah, yeah…

(runs hand across counter)

I built it myself, only had to make like nine trips to the Home Depot.

(conspiratorially)

See, what people don’t know is that a Wet Bar is the key to a great party [beat] it’s in all the movies.

(said with a not-so-sly smile)

 

And you know, if say Mr. Ping drops by…

(shrugs exaggeratedly)

….it’d be good if everyone’s a little [beat] hammered.

 

The camera cuts to JIM and PAM standing together talking in the living room, with MICHAEL at the Wet Bar in the background.

 

JIM

So what do you think of the

(said mockingly)

“condo de casa?”

 

PAM

(grimaces a little, but smiles)

I know, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that makes no sense, he seemed so happy.

(looks over at MICHAEL)

I kind of feel bad that you lied to him now.

 

JIM

I lied? You’re the one who came up with the idea.

 

PAM

You’re the one who cried!

 

JIM

(said seriously)

 

Pam, my mother was dying, what did you want me to do?

 

Just as PAM is about to respond, the doorbell rings.

 

MICHAEL

(yelling across the room)

Jim, can you get that!? Second in command!

 

JIM looks over at MICHAEL, and then to PAM who is smiling at him. With a small sigh, he walks to the door, while the camera follows behind him. He opens it to reveal ANDY and ANGELA in the doorway. ANDY is wearing jean shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, while ANGELA is wearing a white turtleneck, and khaki pants. She looks visibly irritated.

 

ANDY

(in a very even tone of voice)

Tuna.

 

JIM

Andy.

 

ANDY’s focus switches from JIM to some point over his shoulder, off-camera. His expression quickly changes into one of excitement.

 

ANDY

(loudly to MICHAEL who is off-camera)

Great Scott! Is that a Wet Bar?!

 

Without another word, ANDY walks out of frame to the right, leaving ANGELA still in the doorway, standing with JIM silently. There is a pause of two to three seconds while they stare at each other, during which JIM puts his hands in his pockets.

 

JIM

(turns to look out of frame, and then back to ANGELA)

So [beat] there’s a Wet Bar.

 

ANGELA

(in a curt tone)

I don’t drink [beat] usually.

 

JIM

(tries to half-smile)

Mmm. Now might be a good night to take it up.

(He smiles a little wider at his joke but stops when he realizes ANGELA is looking at him with even more contempt)

 

With a small huff, ANGELA walks past JIM towards where ANDY went, leaving JIM alone with the door wide-open.

 

JIM

(shuts the door and bows his head a little)

Yup.

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Condo, Kitchen

The kitchen is in a mess of preparation, but has very little actual cooking going on. The only visible sign of it are four identically small pots of pasta boiling on the stove (MICHAEL’s bought four of the same size). The majority of the clutter is from boxes and wrappers of pre-packaged, ready-to serve food products, which are scattered everywhere. Especially prominent among these are several discarded Chef Boyardee microwaveable containers.

In the center of the chaos is JAN, who was wearing a nice dress, sporting done-up hair, and precise makeup, but who is now starting to look frayed and frazzled on all three fronts. She looks very much out of her element.

 

JAN

(holding up Garlic Bread wrapper and talking to herself)

Why [beat] is it four hundred for [beat]

(notices cameras and glares at them)

 

JAN TALKING HEAD [Rushing around Kitchen]

Look, I’m not a cook alright?! In New York I’d just…

(stares alarmed into one of the pots)

order out or whatever.

(frustrated)

But of course we can’t do that, and [beat]

(there is an indistinct ding heard, JAN looks around anxiously)

Wha-Where the hell is that coming from?

(turns to face camera, and looks at camera man desperately)

Michael took my cigarettes.

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Condo, Living Room

 

The living room is the same as before, but this time the camera focuses on CREED, KEVIN, BOB VANCE and PHYLLIS who are standing in a circle near one of the corners of the room. They are in mid-conversation.

 

KEVIN

I’ve been practicing on Rock Band for three hours a night. My “Next To You” is [beat] awesome. We just need a wedding or like, funeral to play.

 

PHYLLIS

(sweetly)

Well, you did a lovely job at ours, Kevin.

 

CREED

(nods in agreement and talks to KEVIN)

I know what you mean Stay Puft.

(looks around a little and then continues in a hushed tone)

One time in Albuquerque, I was popping peyote like Ritalin, and I sang the entire chorus to “Midnight Confession” backwards.

(smiles at KEVIN, BOB VANCE, and KEVIN)

Those were the days… [beat]

(looks off into the distance a little and finishes sadly)

…now I have to steal cough syrup from Wal-Mart.

 

BOB VANCE and PHYLLIS look on slightly horrified, but KEVIN nods in agreement.

The camera cuts to MICHAEL and ANDY at the Wet Bar. As the talk, there is a pan over to ANGELA who is standing by herself near the corner of the room, looking around, the camera then returns to the two men.

 

MICHAEL

You know, that movie totally changed my life. Completely.

 

ANDY

(nods while holding a Cosmo)

Totally. It’s like the best movie ever.

 

MICHAEL

It is. You know what?

(overly sincerely)

It is. I could have done it too, worked on the beach, bartended, danced to music. A lot of people said that I look like a young Tom Cruise, but [beat] I chose paper.

(dramatically sips another Cosmo, and then finishes even more dramatically)

And I haven’t looked back.

 

ANDY

Thank goodness.

 

Before MICHAEL can respond to ANDY’s compliment, the door bell is heard again. MICHAEL looks over to try to find JIM, but as the camera follows his gaze, JIM isn’t in view.

 

MICHAEL

(huffily)

Fine.

(comes from behind the Wet Bar, and walks towards the door, as he does he continues to mumble to himself)

Not like delicious drinks are gonna make themselves.

 

At the door, MICHAEL opens it to reveal a nervous looking DWIGHT, and a strange woman next to him. Before MICHAEL can say anything, DWIGHT speaks.

 

DWIGHT

(anxious and said quickly)

Michael, this is my date Tiffany.

(DWIGHT does a Vanna White/Price-Is-Right-Model hand motion towards her)

 

As she stands in the doorway, TIFFANY’s features become clear. She is tall for a woman, around 5’10 to 5’11, and has long and strikingly red hair. She is pretty, but not overly so, rather in a more understated and natural way. TIFFANY is wearing a moderately conservative, but nonetheless elegant dress. Also, DWIGHT is wearing the same tuxedo that he wore in ‘Casino Night’ making him the only person to be wearing one.

 

TIFFANY

(seems a little surprised by the rushed introduction, but extends her hand to MICHAEL)

Hi, nice to meet you Michael. I’ve heard [beat] a lot of things.

 

MICHAEL

(doesn’t extend his hand, but rather looks back and forth between DWIGHT and TIFFANY several times, before speaking to TIFFANY in disbelief of her presence)

Really?

 

TIFFANY

(confusedly)

Yes, Dwight’s told me all about you.

 

MICHAEL

(shakes his head a little)

No, that wasn’t what [beat]

(finally seems to get his bearings after a second more of looking back and forth between the two)

Wow, you are an actual woman [beat] okay. Uh, welcome to El Condo Pasa, I’m [beat] Michael.

(extends his hand and finally shakes with her)

And uh, [beat] do you like Cosmos?

 

TIFFANY

Oh, I don’t know really, I guess.

 

DWIGHT

Would you like a drink?

 

TIFFANY

(smiles a little)

Oh, okay, yeah that’d be great.

 

MICHAEL

(turns to go back to the Wet Bar, but stops, and turns back around to face them both. They are still on the threshold of the Condo. He is directed towards TIFFANY)

You haven’t already had some have you?

 

TIFFANY

Nope.

(smiles politely, again)

 

MICHAEL

(said with a little suspicion)

Alright.

(then switches into host-mode)

Well c’mon in!

 

The camera cuts back to a wide shot of the living room, as DWIGHT, TIFFANY, and MICHAEL make their way to the Wet Bar. The conversation buzz has died completely, and all attention is on TIFFANY, with the noticeable exception of PAM, who is looking off-camera in the direction of ANGELA. The camera then cuts more closely to PAM, and we see in the background JIM coming from the direction of the kitchen towards her. He immediately notices the change, but keeps walking towards PAM.

 

JIM

(whispering)

What’s going on?

 

PAM nods in the direction of the Wet Bar, and Jim sees TIFFANY for the first time. His reaction is something like curiosity, amusement, and smirky-ness all rolled into one expression.

 

JIM (cont.)

Wow. [beat] I didn’t realize women in that profession would drive all the way from Philly.

 

PAM

(rolls her eyes)

You know who that was.

(looks with compassion off screen)

 

The camera follows PAM’s look to show ANGELA who is still alone in the corner, standing completely still and looking shocked as her eyes are obviously taking in TIFFANY, who is off-camera.

The camera then cuts to the Wet Bar, where ANDY is still drinking his Cosmo, and where MICHAEL is back behind the bar. DWIGHT and TIFFANY are being served.

 

ANDY

Nice to meet your Tiffany.

 

TIFFANY

(looks at ANDY with some distain)

Um, hi.

 

ANDY

(conversationally)

So [beat] have you met all of us crazy Dunder-Mifflinites?

 

TIFFANY

(shakes her head)

No, but Dwight told me about [beat]

(looks at ANDY again with some displeasure)

some of you.

 

ANDY

(oblivious)

Oh, did he tell you about my little firecracker of a lady?

(looks past DWIGHT and TIFFANY and yells)

Angela! Angela come over here, I want you to meet someone!

 

Right before the camera pans over to ANGELA, it picks up DWIGHT’s worried expression. However, this doesn’t compare to the look that is on ANGELA’s face, as she reacts to ANDY’s words. She doesn’t move.

 

ANDY (cont.)

Sweetums! C’mon, you don’t have to drink or anything

(under his breath to MICHAEL)

Thought I wish you would…

(loudly again to ANGELA)

C’mon!

 

The camera pans again to see that ANGELA is now walking slowly and self-assuredly towards the group of people. Still, her face cannot completely mask her emotions.

 

ANGELA

(after taking a moment or two to get there, she speaks in a very cool and even tone to the group)

Hello.

 

DWIGHT is about to say something, but ANDY interrupts him.

 

ANDY

Tiffany, this is Angela, Angela, Tiffany.

 

ANGELA and TIFFANY shake hands politely. As they do, ANGELA continues to size up the much taller and more dynamic woman.

 

ANGELA

Oh, Tiffany, that’s a lovely name [beat] are you a dancer?

 

TIFFANY

(looks nonplussed in response to ANGELA’s words, but continues to be polite)

Oh, no, um, I’m an Investment Banker. Uh, you know, just numbers and money [beat] nothing too exciting.

(smiles)

So, what do you do at Dunder-Mifflin?

 

ANGELA

I’m an accountant.

 

There is another awkward silence for a second or two, as DWIGHT, TIFFANY, ANDY and ANGELA all stare at each other.

 

TIFFANY

(now smiling uncomfortably)

Oh [beat] yeah [beat] so then you know what it’s like then?

 

ANGELA

No actually. Some people….

(looks quickly at DWIGHT, who notices, and then back to TIFFANY)

don’t need a lot flash to be happy [beat] or hair dye.

 

Just as TIFFANY, who is looking increasingly less polite, is about to respond, MICHAEL interrupts.

 

MICHAEL

Okay! Here’s your Cosmo, as promised, Tiff. May I call you Tiff?

 

TIFFANY

(turns around and takes Cosmo)

Uh, okay, sure.

 

MICHAEL

So…

(rubs hands together)

….how’d you two crazy kids meet?

 

DWIGHT

Ah, yes, well as you know Schrute Farms is now an agro-tourism hotspot.

 

ANGELA

(interrupting and said in a surprised voice)

You actually listened to me?

 

Everyone looks confused at ANGELA. She glances around nervously for a moment, before her eyes rest themselves confidently on DWIGHT.

 

DWIGHT

(to TIFFANY)

One time during a [beat] lunch break, my co-worker Angela mentioned the idea to me…

(continuing quickly)

…and I wanted to look into expansion [beat] perhaps acquiring Old Man Peabody’s useless pine tree farm.

 

ANGELA nods in agreement and hums her approval softly, but doesn’t distract anyone away from DWIGHT.

 

DWIGHT (cont.)

And so I went to Scranton Investment Planning, and that’s where I met her.

 

TIFFANY

(picking up in stride)

He was so prepared already! I’d never worked with someone so….

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Weird?

 

TIFFANY

No.

(looks up at DWIGHT happily)

Confident and intense.

 

The two of them stare at each other for a moment. It is long enough to be creepy for everyone else, except for ANGELA, who has had enough.

 

ANGELA

(steps up to Wet Bar)

Michael, do you have any Wine Coolers?

 

MICHAEL

I have vodka.

 

ANGELA

(thinks for a moment)

Okay.

 

MICHAEL smiles, and begins to mix her a drink. As he does, TIFFANY and DWIGHT continue to gaze at each other, while ANGELA impatiently oscillates between looking at MICHAEL and stealing glances at the two of them. However, the camera ultimately drifts over to ANDY

ANDY

(to camera and nodding towards ANGELA)

This is going to be a good night.

 

END ACT ONE