Disclaimer: The Office is not mine.

Monday's child is fair of face.

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Wednesday's child is full of woe.

Thursday's child has far to go.

Friday's child is loving and giving.

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.


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“Look, Kelly, I told you. We’re through. I’m moving to New York and you’re staying here, and well, it’s just not going to work.” Ryan’s blue, blue eyes were staring into hers, and she could tell from the tone of his voice that he meant it this time. It was over.

“Fine.” She didn’t cry. She was proud of that. After all, she could cry later, salty tears dripping into a bowl of chocolate ice cream and staining her purple sweatpants. But not now. Not in front of the man who was ripping her heart out. She just nodded, grabbed her coat from the rack next to Pam’s desk and took the rest of the day off.

She didn’t sleep that night, or any other night that week.

Ryan was gone the next day. His desk sat empty and staring at her every time she turned around. She closed her eyes and tried to pretend he was still behind her, warm and comforting and adorable.

The days ticked by wearily until it had been over a month since Ryan had ditched her for his shiny new CEO position. One Friday, Pam and Kelly sat together eating lunch in the break room

“So, me, Jim, Kevin and Toby are going to Poor Richard’s after work,” Pam stirred her yogurt and smiled at Kelly. “You should come.”

Kelly managed a smile, “Sure, sounds great.” But her eyes fell to her untouched sandwich.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m totally over the whole Ryan thing, if that’s what you mean. He was an ass anyway.” Kelly smiled reassuringly at Pam but it didn’t reach her eyes, and Pam felt a pang of sympathy.

Suddenly, Kelly’s face paled. “Could you excuse me for a second?” Pam hadn’t even finished nodding before Kelly had rushed into the women’s bathroom.

She appeared again a few minutes later, face haggard and one hand on her stomach. Pam gave her a worried look, but Kelly just shrugged it off. “I think I have the flu,” she said. “It’s totally gross.”

“You don’t sound sick,” Pam mentioned. “How long has this been happening?”

“I don’t know, a couple weeks? I don’t really feel sick, it’s just my stomach. But that’s the flu, right? Stomach flu or whatever?”

“I guess,” Pam said. “Have you had a fever or a headache?”

“Not really. Just the stomach thing. I can barely eat anything, but that’s totally great because maybe I’ll lose a couple pounds! That would be awesome. Plus I haven’t had PMS which is a blessing, you don’t know how horrible that can be, well I guess you do, after all you’re a girl.” Kelly giggled a little, but Pam just made a face. Sometimes Kelly was a little too TMI.

“How long has it been since you…you know” Pam blushed a little even mentioning it, but Kelly was more than willing to oblige her.

“I don’t know, actually. A while. I think since before Ryan left.” Her face crinkled at the mention of his name. “I can’t believe him anyway. He---“

Pam cut her off. “Kelly, I think you should take a test. Just in case.”

“A test? Like a math test or whatever? Because I am totally bad at math. That’s why I’m not in sales.”

“No,” Pam said. “I mean a test. A pregnancy test.”

Kelly gasped. “Do you think I might be pregnant? Like, with a baby?”

Pam tried not to roll her eyes. “It’s a possibility.”

Kelly squealed.


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She bought the test on the way home after work. Pam told her to buy two, just in case, and said that she shouldn’t come to Poor Richard’s after all. Kelly was glad that Pam was such an awesome friend. Even if she’d been totally right about Jim being just not that into her. There were other guys in the world.


She followed the instructions on both tests and set the timer on the microwave for ten minutes. She was so excited she could barely read the newest issue of People, even though the dress that JLo was going to wear to the Oscars was a-MAY-zing. She stared at Jennifer’s baby bump poking through her teal dress and thought “That could be me. Maybe I'll have twins! Oh my God, that would be so totally awesome."

The timer startled Kelly even though she had been expecting it, and she stumbled into the bathroom, a little scared to look at the results. Finally, she got up the nerve to peek. She glanced from one test to the other and her mouth dropped.

Two lines on both.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Office. However, I do own the Office on DVD.


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“Ohmygodohmygod Pam! You have to come over right this instant! I have amazing news!” Kelly squealed into the phone.

Pam felt her heart sink. “I’ll be right there,” She touched Jim lightly on the arm and smiled at him. "Gotta go," she waved to everyone else at their table.“Bye guys!”

Kelly answered the door before Pam was done knocking and dragged her through her apartment by the hand. “Oh my God, Pam, so I got two tests, just like you said? And I took both of them and I waited the ten minutes just like the instructions said, which was sooooo long but at least I had JLo to keep me occupied and then I went and looked, and guess what? There were two lines!!” She clapped her hands and pointed at the tests, which were still sitting on her bathroom counter. Both clearly indicated that she’d tested positive “Pam, I’m pregnant! Isn’t that great?”

“Sure,” Pam said. She smiled half-heartedly for Kelly’s sake. “So are you going to tell Ryan?”

Kelly was quiet for a second. She collapsed on her purple sofa and motioned for Pam to sit as she pulled out her cell phone. “Oh, yeah. I should tell him right now! What do you think? He is going to be sooooo excited. And maybe we’ll get back together! That would be awesome. We could totally get marri—”

“Kelly, I don’t thinking telling him over the phone is such a good idea. Maybe you should do it in person. This is kind of big news, after all.” Pam neglected to mention the fact that she was pretty sure that Ryan wasn’t going to take this very well at all. She’d seen the frightened look he’d gotten every time Kelly started reciting baby names.

“You’re right! I should tell him to meet me for dinner. How romantic is that? Maybe at Alfredo’s, that was the place we always used to go. And afterward he’ll admit he was a jackass and say that he’s sorry and—“

“Yeah, okay. Well, um, just don’t mention it over the phone? This is really big, Kelly. Like,” Pam paused for a second. How could she make Kelly understand this? “Like Britney shaving her head big.”

“Oh my God, Pam that was so long ago, nobody cares.” Kelly thought for a second. “But you’re right. I guess it is pretty important.”

Pam tried not to roll her eyes. “Yeah, Kel, kids generally are.”

“Actually,” Kelly bit the edge of one nail. “Do you think you could call Ryan? He doesn’t really answer my calls anymore. I think he must not recognize the number or something. He doesn't pick up unknown calls cuz he's paranoid ike that.”

“Um, okay.” Pam pulled out her cell phone. “What’s his number?”

She dialed the number as Kelly recited it to her and was surprised when Ryan picked up on the second ring. “Hello?”

Pam ducked into the bathroom. The glare of Kelly’s hot pink walls made her eyes hurt, so she stared at the white tile floors. Which were also dazzlingly bright. “Hey Ryan, it’s Pam.”

“Pam? I didn’t know you had my number. How’s it going? Is something wrong?”

“Not….necessarily.” Pam winced as she glanced at the two tests, still proudly displayed on the bathroom sink. “Um, actually, Kelly asked me to call you.”

Ryan sighed. “She’s not crying again, is she?”

“No. She’s pretty happy right now.” Well, at least that wasn’t a lie, Pam thought. “Actually, Ryan, I think it would be a good idea for you to come to Scranton and see Kelly. Maybe take her to dinner. It’s kind of important.” Pam bit her lip and swayed from side to side.

“I’m not dating her again. I—I wasn’t even dating her in the first place! Pam, I’d really rather not see her. She just…she’s—“

“Yeah, I know. Look, Ryan,” Pam said, uncharacteristically firm. “It’s a really good idea for you to come down. A really, really good idea. I don’t think I can stress that enough.”

“Um, okay?” Ryan sounded absolutely lost over the phone. “Fine. Well…tell her I’ll be there on Sunday at seven. I’ll meet her at Alfredo’s. And it’s absolutely not a date. Of any kind. Please don’t forget that part?”

“I won’t,” Pam said. “Take care, Ryan.”

“Yeah, okay.” He answered. “You too, I guess.”

Pam pocketed her phone as she sunk down next to Kelly, who was still waiting impatiently on the sofa.

“What’d he say? What’d he say?” Pam flinched as Kelly slapped her arm repeatedly in excitement.

“He’s coming on Sunday at seven. He’s going to meet you at Alfredo’s, and he said that it’s not a date. I didn’t mention anything else.”

Kelly squeaked happily. “I can’t believe I have a date with Ryan on Sunday! And we’re going to have babies! This is like, the best day ever!”

Pam sighed. “Yeah, I bet it is. And it’s not a date, Kelly.”

It was Sunday afternoon, and Ryan was straightening his tie for the third time in his bathroom mirror. He picked up his comb before setting it back down on the counter. Why was he nervous? It was only Kelly, he reminded himself. Still, Pam’s voice had echoed through his head all weekend. “I think it would be a good idea for you to come to Scranton and see Kelly.” She’d said. “It’s really important.” The tone in her voice still made him jumpy. What could be so damn important?

Calm down, Ryan, he thought. Kelly’d probably invented some stupid drama and Pam just happened to believe her this time. Why the hell had he put a tie on anyway? He yanked it back off and threw in on the sink. He took a deep breath before running the comb through his stylish new haircut absently. It was already half past three—time to get on the road.

He grabbed the tie on his way out the door.


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Kelly sat in her bathtub filled with lavender salts, thumbing through an issue of Baby Magazine, but the words all blurred together and her hands were shaking. Ryan was coming. To see her. She’d always knew he’d come back. No man could resist the charm of Kelly Kapoor. She smiled at the thought. Of course Ryan would beg her to forgive his stupidity after he found out she was the mother of his kid. She hummed the wedding march as she drained the tub and toweled off. This wasn’t really the way she was expecting her happy ending to begin, but it was better than nothing.

She’d gone through four outfits and called Pam twice before she’d settled on a pink cashmere sweater and purple skirt, black heels and a turquoise clutch. She wasn’t even upset when she burned herself with the curling iron. Nothing was going to ruin this date. Nothing.


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Ryan arrived at Alfredo’s thirty minutes early. He’d gotten a table before he realized it was only six thirty, and had to wave the waiter off twice. He took a swig of the beer he was sure would be the first of many. At about ten till, fingers drumming on the table nervously, he pulled out his Blackberry and dialed the only person he was sure could calm his nerves: his brother.

“Hey,” Zack said as he picked up. “What’s up, baby brother?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Ryan answered automatically. “Look, bro….do you remember that girl I was dating?”

“The crazy Indian chick? Of course dude. I thought you’d ditched her.”

“Yeah, I thought so too.” Ryan sighed. “Look, I’m meeting her for dinner right now, and I just….I’m really not sure what’s going on. A friend of hers said that I needed to come down here, and I just….What do you think it might be? You don’t think it’s anything….you know…serious, do you?”

“Wow,” Zack laughed “Maybe she broke a nail and really needs you to take her to the beautician. I don’t know man, with her it could be anything.”

“Yeah… I hope to God it’s not anything big. If she’s pregnant or something, I’ll kill myself, I swear. Kelly drives me up a wall, you know? She’s just so—” He glanced at the clock. It was 7:02, and still no sign of Kelly. She’d always made it a point to not be late. “God. I gotta go, Zack. I’m sure she’ll be here any minute.”

“Okay, well call me with the aftermath, bro.”

“Will do.” Ryan hung up, feeling just a little worse than when he’d dialed. He’d been a little harsh about Kelly to Zack. She wasn’t that bad, he guessed. She was just a little…intense. God, what am I thinking? He finished his beer and waved for the waiter.


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Kelly pulled into the parking lot of Alfredo’s at exactly 6:54. She knew that because she’d checked the time every twenty seconds for the last hour or so. She couldn’t help it—she was so totally excited. The girl at the front desk smiled at her as she walked in, and she felt a shiver when she saw Ryan’s back, slouched over a table near the back. He was facing away from her, guzzling his beer as he talked loudly into his phone. Typical Ryan. She rolled her eyes and sighed good-naturedly as she tiptoed up behind him. She wanted it to be a surprise.

About five feet from the table, she stopped. Ryan was talking about her. Her smile slowly faded as she heard his next words. “Yeah… I hope to God it’s not anything big. If she’s pregnant or something, I’ll kill myself. I swear. Kelly drives me up a wall, you know?”

Did he really mean that? Was having a baby with her that much of a disaster? She wanted to walk up to him,confront him about what he'd just said, slap him for being such a jackass. But she didn't. Instead she just backed away quietly, biting back tears as she swung open the glass double doors and stepped back into the hot June breeze. She so did not drive him up the wall. She was probably the best girlfriend he’d ever had.

She fumbled with her keys. Tears were falling fast now, and she couldn’t see a damn thing. Finally, she got the lock undone and climbed into her car. Taking a deep breath, she wiped her eyes and fixed her mascara in her rearview mirror before peeling out of the parking lot.

Screw Ryan Bailey Howard. She could totally deal with this kid thing on her own.





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Kelly hesitated a little before knocking on Pam’s door. She really hated to bother Pam again—they were friends, but not really that close. To be honest, Kelly didn’t really have anyone else. Outside of work, her only close friends were her DVD player and her credit card.
She could hear voices on the other side of the door. Pam already had company. Kelly was suddenly sorry she’d come. She turned to leave just as Pam’s door snapped open.

“Kelly?” Pam sounded breathless. “Aren’t you supposed to be out with—“ She stopped when she saw the tears in Kelly’s eyes threatening to fall. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Kelly bit her lip and shook her head. “I…can I come in? I’m sorry that I’m totally intruding or whatever, but I just really need someone to talk to.”

“Yeah, sure,” Pam waved Kelly in and followed her to the living room. Kelly stopped suddenly when she saw Pam’s guest, Jim, sitting on the sofa looking sheepish.

“Oh, hey Jim, I didn’t know you were here. I can totally go…”Kelly turned around but Pam stopped her.

“Don’t worry about it. We were just playing some Scrabble.” Pam motioned toward the Scrabble board. “But we’re pretty much finished. Besides, you look like you could use some company.”

Kelly’s eyes welled up as she and Pam both sat down next to Jim. “Yeah…”

She told them what she’d heard Ryan say when she’d walked into Alfredo’s. After she finished, Jim shared a glance with Pam, and said, “So you didn’t tell him?”

“No. I haven’t told anyone, other than Pam and she told you, I guess.”

“Kelly,” Pam started. “People say stuff they don’t mean all the time. I’m sure Ryan wouldn’t actually kill himself. He was probably exaggerating.”

“It’s not that,” Kelly sighed. “It’s just…I’m not blind, Pam. I saw the look Ryan gave me when we broke up. I know that telling him that I’m pregnant would totally mess up this thing he has going in New York and I really know now that he doesn’t want me back. I think I’ve always known that, I just didn’t really want to face it. Hearing him talking to whoever it was—probably some girl anyway—it just….made me think about it. You know?”

“That is…surprisingly mature of you to say,” Jim said, raising his eyebrows.

“Thanks, Jim.” Kelly smiled weakly. “So, well, what do you guys think I should do now?”

Pam patted Kelly’s hand. “Well, first of all, I think you should keep this quiet around the office. I mean, we all know Michael—“ Kelly nodded at this “and you probably don’t want to deal with Angela if she finds out you’re having an ‘illegitimate’ child. Do you think you can deal with this on your own?”

“Yeah. Totally. I’ll be fine. I’ve always wanted babies anyway. It’ll be awesome.” She said, but her heart wasn’t really in it.

“Ryan’s an asshole, Kelly.” Jim added. “You don’t want him around anyway.”

“Yeah….I know. I think I’ve known for a while.” Kelly sighed a little, and then smiled. “Hey, do you guys want to watch a movie?” Jim cringed at Pam from behind Kelly, but Pam gave him a Look.

“Sure, but I don’t really have any movies you’ll like, I think, Kelly. I mean, I have Legally Blonde but—“

“Oh, no way. I was thinking…how about Better Off Dead? Do you guys like that one?”

“That’s one of my favorite movies!” Pam jumped off the couch and pulled the DVD from one of the shelves and popped it into the player.

Jim’s eyebrows rose. “I didn’t know you’d ever even heard of Better Off Dead.”

“Duh.” Kelly smiled. “John Cusack was totally hot. Well, before he got all old and stuff.”

“Maybe you don’t have such bad taste after all.” Pam said as she plunked back on the sofa between Kelly and Jim.

“Thanks.” Kelly knew she’d meant it as a compliment.


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Ryan drummed his fingers on the table. It was after 8 o’clock. Where was Kelly? He’d been looking around once every thirty seconds or so for a glimpse of her shiny black hair, a twirl of a pink skirt. Listened for the sound of her high, sweet giggle, but there was nothing. She had never been late for a date before—this wasn’t a date, he reminded himself—and he was starting to think that maybe, just maybe…she’d stood him up.


He downed the dregs of his third beer and slammed the bottle on the table a little harder than he meant to. A couple sitting two tables away glared at him. The limit at a “family restaurant” was usually two, but the waiter must’ve seen something in his eyes because he’d brought him the third.

Now he was feeling a little fuzzy, a little jumpy. Not tipsy. Ryan Howard can hold his liquor much better than that, he thought. Three was nothing. Even so, nervous bubbles fizzed in his stomach as he signed the check and walked out to his Sebring. The company had given him the same car they’d given Michael. It was hilarious, really. A girl’s car.

His tie was stifling him. He loosened it and threw the damn thing on the hood of his car. Pulled out his Blackberry. Call her, he thought. I’ll call her. Find out what was so damn important. Why she didn’t show up.


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Pam was snuggling with Jim while trying really hard not to look like it, moving a little closer to him whenever she thought Kelly wasn’t looking. Kelly was snuggling with one of Pam’s throw pillows and trying not to watch the couple on the couch next to her. Her stomach was queasy, and she was considering whether it was worth it to run to the bathroom. Maybe if she ignored it, it would go away.

On screen, it was the weird part with the singing hamburger and she wasn’t really paying attention. She’d never really gotten this little musical number, and she was sort of dozing off when she felt her phone vibrate. “Clumsy” by Fergie echoed through Pam’s tiny living room. They were both looking at her now, and she was staring at her cell phone.

“It’s Ryan,” she mumbled. It was strange to see his number on the little screen.

“Don’t answer.” Jim said firmly, “You don’t want to talk to him.”

“Yeah,” her finger hesitated over the ‘Ignore’ button. Just a little. But she pressed it and shut her phone. Jim was right anyway. She really didn’t want to talk to him.


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“Hey, this is Kelly Kapoor! I’m totally not here right now, so leave me a super awesome message and I’ll call you back as soon as I possibly can! Thank you so much for being awesome and calling me, I’ll be thinking about you all day!”

Please record your message after the tone. When you’ve finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. To leave a callback number, press five.

BEEP.

“Hey Kel, it’s uh, it’s Ryan. I—how are you? I’m okay, yeah. Pretty good. Um, so Pam said you wanted to talk to me and well…call me back, I guess. Bye.”

Ryan woke up the next morning in the emptiness of his apartment. He didn’t remember driving home last night, didn’t remember much of anything after leaving Alfredo’s. He thought maybe he’d dropped by Kelly’s before leaving town. Maybe he’d knocked on her door and no one had answered. Maybe that was just a dream.

He grabbed his Blackberry from the nightstand, blearily checked his messages, but there weren’t any. Disappointed, he tossed it back on the table and tried to scrub the fog from his head. Get a hold of yourself, he thought. She’ll call back. She always does.

Not that he wanted her to, of course.

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A week went by. Then two. Then three. Soon it had been over a month since she’d left Ryan's sorry ass at Alfredo’s. He hadn’t called her again, and she hadn’t called him back. It didn’t hurt as much now. That was nice.

She still had his message saved on her phone, though. Sometimes when she was feeling especially sick or tired or when Michael made jokes about her food choices—bananas on a ham sandwich was NOT weird, thankyouverymuch—she would pull out her phone and listen to his message again. His words were slurred and she wondered just how many beers he’d had before calling. But he sounded worried, concerned, and that made her heart beat just a little faster.

She hadn’t told her parents. She was thinking that maybe, just maybe she never would, maybe she’d just keep the baby a secret forever, or at least until she’d gotten married (not to Ryan, obviously, but to someone) and then she’d tell them they’d adopted or possibly that he’d had a kid in his previous marriage. Or maybe she’d just never visit again, but the idea of never seeing her kid sisters again made her stomach hurt and her eyes well up, and before she knew it, she was sobbing into her latest issue of Parenting magazine which she’d hidden inside a Cosmo and Angela was glaring at her around Oscar’s desk.

She tried to get a hold of herself but the tears kept flowing and she dashed from her desk in the annex to the women’s bathroom as quietly as possible.

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The guys from work had invited Ryan out to the club but he hadn’t felt like going. Too much work to do, he’d told them. He stayed at the office for another thirty minutes or so before he ran out of papers to sign and reports to look over. Then he spent another hour on the internet, checking his balance even though he’d already written it in his checkbook. Glanced through his email though he’d looked just an hour before.

He played 12 games of Solitaire and skimmed the Wall Street Journal until the numbers ran together and his head began to hurt. He thought of his empty black sofa, the Plasma TV with 800 channels and nothing to watch, and his king-size bed that had seemed like a good idea when he’d bought it, but now left him feeling as if he were drowning in a sea of sheets.

He dialed her number. Was surprised to find he’d memorized it.

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Kelly was halfway through A Knight’s Tale when her cell rang. She set down her bowl of popcorn-smothered-in-chocolate-syrup and dug it out from between the cushions. Flipped it open without glancing at the caller ID.

“Yeah?” Why does everyone have to interrupt my Heath time? She thought. .

“Hey,” Ryan was a little taken aback by her tone of voice. “Uh, is this a bad time?”

Kelly froze. Damn it, Damn it, Damn it. “Not really, I guess. What’s up?”

“Not a lot, really. Well, kind of a lot. My job’s going pretty well. I have a great apartment now. Not like that piece of crap I had in Scranton. It’s really beautiful, you’d probably like it. Not that big, but hey, it’s New York. And they gave me a Sebring. It’s silver, like Michael’s. Well, it’s newer than Michael’s, still pretty cool though, I guess. I like it, just—“

“Ryan,” Kelly cut in. “Do you have a reason for calling?”

The line was silent for so long that Kelly thought maybe he’d hung up. She was just about to click off herself when she heard him speak again. His voice was a little rougher this time. “What is it, Kelly? I’d like to know.”

“It’s nothing. Really.” She looked down at her stomach. It was still mostly flat (as flat as it’d ever been, anyway), but she knew it wouldn’t be for long. How she was going to keep her secret in a few months? She’d worry about that later. “I was just being stupid. Made-up drama. Sorry I didn’t come to Alfredo’s. I…” What should she say? “I, uh, got sick. I meant to call.”

“I left you a voicemail.” He sounded a little hurt, and Kelly bit her lip. She recalled having almost this exact conversation from the other side.

“You did? It must not have gone through. My voicemail’s a little spotty, sometimes.”

“It never was before.” He pointed out.

“Like you’d know. I’ve been with Alltel for two years now, and my voicemail’s always been really crappy like that. Sometimes it works okay and sometimes it acts like it hates me.”

“Yeah.” Ryan mumbled. “Alltel’s like that.”

“It really is.” Kelly said. “Alltel’s a bitch. It’s really not worth my time. I don’t know why I haven’t switched yet.”

“Yeah.”

“I gotta go, Ryan. I’m glad that your job’s working out great. I totally knew you would go far. I always told you that.”

“I know.” His voice seemed so throaty and flat. Kelly didn’t think he’d ever sounded like that before. Oh well. He was probably bored talking to her anyway.

“Goodbye, Ryan.”

“Bye, Kelly.”

She hung up the phone and dug back into her popcorn. But sitting in the chocolate sauce for so long had made it squishy and gross and she ended up just throwing it away.