"Hey Jim."

Jim saw Ryan standing next to the vending machines as he was entering the break room. He'd always liked the guy, he was nice to talk to.

"Ryan, what's up!"

"Oh not much. Just.. getting a soda."

"Quick thinking. Selling paper makes a man thirsty, doesn't it," he smirked.

"Yeah, guess it does," Ryan responded.

Jim bought a pack of crisps and figured he should at least get some work done today, so he started to walk back to his desk.

"I'll see you around, Ryan."

"Yeah... Actually, Jim!" Jim turned around, standing in the doorway, giving Ryan a questioning look. Ryan continued, almost looking nervous:

"Do you maybe want to have lunch later? I sort of got something I want to tell you."

Ryan wanted to tell him something? That sure did awaken his interest.

"Uhm, yeah sure. Why not? I'll meet you in an hour or so."

"Right. See you then."

He left the break room and saw Pam give him a curious look. As he saw Dwight messing around with his computer he mouthed "later" to her and went over to his desk.

*********

"So what do you think it's all about?"

"No idea. Really, just... You know, usually I'm kind of a ingenious guy, but honestly, I can't think of one thing Ryan would want to talk to me about. Weird, isn't it?"

"It's strange, yeah.. Of course you'll let me know all about it after lunch, right?"

Pam stared at him, her puppy-eyes face having way more power over him than she could ever imagine. He grinned at her.

"We'll have to see about that, Beesly. Maybe it's confidential."

"Oh, you couldn't let me stay in the dark!"

He loved the way her face light up when she laughed. He shrugged, nonchalantly.

"I might be able to do that."

"I swear, Halpert! One more word, and i'll never give you one jellybean again!"

"Geez, calm down, Pam. No need to threaten me!"

He heard how she tried not to laugh out loud when he walked away, taking the whole bowl of jellybeans with him. He couldn't hide the huge grin on his face.

"You know, you'll have to take that back to the reception, Jim. It's office property and it should be standing right there, at the reception and not here, on your desk."

"Thanks for filling me in, Dwight. I'll see what I can do for you later."

"I'll report this to Michael!"

Jim wasn't in the mood to mock Dwight. His thoughts were still with Pam.

"Know what, Dwight? Knock yourself out."

"Fine."

Dwight got up and steared towards Michaels office. Jim logged in on his computer and he saw a new message popping up.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: You THIEF!!!

You're being pretty harsh, Halpert. You know, Dwight is only doing what he has to do, you'll get what you deserve. So I'm going to be straight with you. You bring me back my jellybeans RIGHT NOW, then I won't come over and kick your ass!

He gave Pam a shocked look and started typing.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: In shock!

So, since when are these jellybeans yours? Dwight just explained to me that they are actually office property. So you know, I figured, I'm always coming over to the reception when I'm feeling like eating a jellybean, so maybe it would only be fair, if we'd turn that around for a change? Want a jellybean Pam? Come and get it!

He saw Pam getting up from behind her computer, but acted like he didn't notice. When she got to his desk she held out her hand.

"Excuse me, can I help you," he asked, looking disturbed.

"I feel like eating a jellybean, if you don't mind," Pam said, matter-of-factly.

"Well, maybe you are oblivious to the fact that right now is actually my lunch time, but I'm not. Those jellybeans are safe under my custody. Be sure to check in on me later."

"Ji-him! I want one, I want one!"

"Too late Pam. I have a very important meeting with my co-worker, Ryan. I'll give you one when I get back."

"And then you'll tell me what he had to say, right?"

"It's a possibility."

Pam looked at him seriously.

"If you want a war, Halpert. You can get one."

"Preparing for battle! I'll be back soon."

They laughed to each other. God, did he love goofing around with her! He got up to search Ryan, still wondering what he would want to tell him. A bit pissed of that he couldn't share his lunch time with Pam.
He found him standing by the elevators.

"Hey Ryan. Where are we going?"

"Just, out. I'll explain later. You ready to go?"

"Yeah sure.. Let's do this."

Jim stepped back in to the office, grabbed his coat, and waved to Pam. She stuck out her tongue and he gave her a shocked look in return. Then he left the office and followed Ryan, light hearted. Not knowing, he wouldn't stay like that for long...

After a ten minute walk they arrived at a lunchroom called Mandy's place. It was kind of chilly outside so Jim was glad when they finally got there. They went inside and sat down at a little table in the corner of the room. Almost immediately a waitress came over and asked:

"Can I take your order, please?"

"Yeah, I'll have a number 16, please." Ryan said. Jim cocked his eyebrows in suprise.

"And what about you, friend of Ryan?" The waitress said, turning to face him.

"Well, erm.. I'll have the same, thank you."

"Very well, I'll be back in a minute." She left the table and dissapeared into the kitchen. Jim could hear a jazzy song playing as he watched her leave and then suddenly became aware of the fact that he was sitting here, with Ryan.

"Woow, so..." He gave Ryan a confused look.

"I come here more often."

"Never would have guessed."

"My uncle owns this place, so... I don't think he's in today, but you know. The food's pretty good actually."

"That's cool. So what's a number 16?"

"Scrambled eggs and a bagel."

"Nice."

For a while they sat at the table quietly. Jim was looking outside the window when the waitress came back with two number 16's. When he had eaten half of his bagel he finally started talking again.

"So, Ryan. You wanted to tell me something?"

"Yeah, well actually, I'd like to tell you a story."

"Okay, you're making me really curious. What's it about?"

"It's about when I was in high school."

"Ah, the good old days."

Ryan smiled uncomfortably.

"Sorry, no more interruptions." Jim didn't really know why he apologized. Somehow he felt like Ryan was struggling with something. He silently waited for him to start talking as he began to eat his scrambled eggs.

Ryan was shifting in his chair. After what seemed like an eternity he bursted into a cascade of words.

"Okay, well I don't think I've ever told anyone about this. It's kind of personal. So, here it goes. I used to know this girl, Laura. We had a lot of classes together. And she really was a great person. She was like really beautiful, really smart and very sweet. We used to have so much fun together. We fooled the teachers, joked about everything and when I got in trouble, she always got my back. When I was sick, she'd come over every day to tell me what had happened at school and to make me feel better. And you know what Jim? I'm just going to cut to the chase. As time went by, I realized that I loved her. I mean I really loved her. I would have done anything to make her happy, because she ment the world to me. But as another year passed, she suddenly had a boyfriend."

He paused and took a huge bite of his eggs, blinking rapidly. Jim just kept staring to his plate, words escaping him.

"A really tough guy, football player of course. I didn't like him. He just seemed so fake to me. And I never understood what the hell she saw in him. God, he ruined everything. She stopped coming over whenever I was sick, she never felt like pulling pranks on our teachers anymore, and after a while we kind of stopped talking to each other. I felt so alone, I..."

Jim glanced up when Ryan stopped talking. He looked like he was going to burst into tears, and it made him feel really uncomfortable. He didn't really know what to do, or what to say. He didn't even know Ryan that well. He certainly never had a conversation like this with him. And why was he telling him this? Why had this guy suddenly opened up to him. Did he just need someone to talk to or was there something else?

"That sucks, Ryan. I'm sorry." What a lame response, he thought to himself.

Ryan took a shaky breath, and then continued.

"So one night I went over to her house. I just did it, it wasn't like me at all, but something came over me that night. I just snapped. I started yelling at her. I told her he wasn't right for her, that I didn't understand why she would ever want to be with such a jerk. She got mad too, of course. She told me I didn't understand her at all, and then she told me to leave. But I didn't. I grabbed her hands and I told her I missed her. So much, I couldn't think of anything else anymore. And then I told her I loved her. That I hated seeing her with someone else. That I was jealous at that other guy. She said she didn't know what to say. So I left."

He stopped, just staring at the wall. Jim felt like he needed to say something, anything to comfort Ryan. But he couldn't think of anything to say. Ryan sighed.

"She got in an accident. A car crash. I remember her father coming over to my house, telling me the news. I remember how I received a letter from her the next morning. She must have sent it to me, hours before she died."

Ryan was crying, silently. Jim felt almost paralized.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Ryan was now resting his head in his hands, looking almost determined to get everything off his chest, to just get his story out of his heart rather than really sharing it with Jim. The words seemed to escape his lips, as he seemed unable to stop talking.

"She wrote to me, what I had wanted her to say so badly. She wrote to me that she was sorry, for neglecting me. That she missed me too and she had always loved me, but just couldn't show it for some reason. That she wasn't planning to give up, she would make things better. She promised me that. I must have read that letter a thousand times. It made me feel so happy, to know that she had loved me, and at the same time it made me feel so sad. So sad."

"Ryan, I don't really know what to say. I..."

"You don't have to say anything," Ryan replied, almost sounding annoyed.

"I just wanted you to listen. Jim, I still regret every day, that I didn't confess my feelings to her earlier. I know that's what I should've done. Things could have been different for us. But I wasted so much time."

Ryan looked at him. He was sitting there opposite of him, blank face, silent still.

"Just remember this," Ryan said.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not blind, Jim. I see the way you look at her. And most importantly, I see the way she looks back at you. Just remember this, I don't want you to make the same mistakes I have. You never know what could happen."

"Whoa, Man! What makes you think that...?"

"We need to get back," Ryan interrupted him. He got up from his chair and grabbed his coat.

"Our lunchtime is over."

He left the lunchroom, leaving behind a confused and a bit scared Jim.

He could see the little twinkle in her eyes she’d always get when she was excited. She smiled and motioned him to come over. Suddenly he felt a little nauscious; the oppisite of what that look on her face would normally do to him.
Slowly he walked to the reception desk and tried not to look as miserable and confused as he felt.

“And?” she asked eagerly.

“And what?” he said, avoiding her question even though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Well, what did he say?!”

“Oh, right. Nothing in particular really. We just had lunch,” he lied. Yet another lie. It had almost become normal to him, but it still broke his heart.

And Pam, it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.

“Yeah... sure. Come on, Jim! Tell me!”

“There’s really nothing to tell. Hey, I know this sounds weird, but I think I’m actually gonna have to get some work done today, so you know... I should probably get started on that.” His voice became weaker with every word he said and he really didn’t feel so good. He turned around abruptly and walked to his desk, fighting back tears which startled him. How good he be so upset about this?

He looked around but didn’t see Ryan anywhere. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. Where did all of that come from? Was it really that obvious that he felt more for Pam than just a friendship? And if that was the case, did she suspect anything?

And had Ryan actually suggested that Pam felt more for him too? But that was insane considdering the fact that she was sitting only a few meters away planning her wedding intently. And it annoyed him infinitely to overhear her doing that. How could she not see how wrong this guy was for her?

Of course he was jealous. But there was something else too. He remembered having a crush once when he was in high school. Her name was Cindy. But she had had a boyfriend. And although he’d hated to admit it, her boyfriend was a pretty cool guy and he was nice to her. He felt rejected but was able to get over it. But now... Did Pam really prefer Roy over him? In fact, did she prefer Roy over anyone? He just felt like she deserved so much more, and therefore he couldn’t let it go.

Suddenly his IM window popped up.

PamB: Are you alright?

Great, he thought. Of course she knows something’s wrong with me, it’s still Pam after all.

JimH: I’m fine. You?

PamB: Slightly bored, not worse than usual so... You seemed a little worried just now though. Are you sure you’re okay?

JimH: I’m sure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn’t hard to see something was bothering him. He never acted like this, not around her at least. She’d expected to be the first one to know in detail what had happened during his lunch with Ryan. She was pretty curious, obviously. But Jim seemed... almost sad. And he kept avoiding her. She wondered if it could have someting to do with Ryan, or with something he said. His avoidance made her even more curious than she was before, but now she was also a little worried too.

JimH: I’m sure.

Right, she thought. She wasn’t buying it at all. She had gotten pretty good at reading him, and she was positive there was something going on.

PamB: So you know you’re still going to have to tell me what you and Ryan talked about right?

JimH: I told you it was nothing interesting. And it wasn’t. We talked about how Michael’s being a complete idiot most of the time.

PamB: The neverending source of inspiration :P

JimH: Exactly.

PamB: Where did you guys go?

JimH: A lunchroom called Mandy’s place. Ever heard of it?

PamB: No I haven’t. Any good?

JimH: It’s fine I guess. Apparently Ryan’s uncle owns that place. The waitress was a bit weird, but the food was pretty good.

PamB: What did the waitress do?

JimH: She kept calling me ‘friend of Ryan’. Rather interesting, don’t you think.

PamB: Cute nickname :P

JimH: Very funny, Beesly.

PamB: But why did Ryan take you there?

JimH: Don’t know. I guess he just wanted to hang out.

PamB: Oh come on!

JimH: What?

PamB: You’re being weird.

JimH: No idea what you’re talking about.

PamB: Before you left you said yourself you couldn’t think of one thing Ryan would want to talk to you about, and now, after you’ve made me very curious, you’re not telling me what he said???

PamB: There has to be something more than just some regular Michael-talk. I’m not stupid :P

PamB: Jim...?

JimH: How many times am I going to have to tell you: nothing special!

PamB: I can tell you’re lying Jim.

JimH: Just.. drop the subject.

PamB: Fine. I didn’t know you would get all sensitive about this.

JimH: Don’t you have a wedding to plan?

Pam closed the IM window suddenly feeling angry and looked over to Jim. He was still staring at his screen, his face expressionless. What the hell was he thinking? They were never good at having serious conversations. They would usually just stick to their light, funny and moslty easy tone and just have fun together. But now he was clearly trying to keep himself distant from her as she sensed he was mad at her for some reason.

Jim, who was always there for her, always, and now he was pushing her away. Jim, of all people!

She got up and went to the bathroom, when in fact she was really looking for Ryan. Maybe she could talk to him and understand what was going on. She felt disappointed when she didn’t see him anywhere. Slowly she went back to her desk, trying her hardest not to look at Jim, who was now typing furiously and ignoring her completely.

She sat down and began reorganizing her desk a little when she saw the list of people she wanted to invite to her wedding. The little three-lettered name ‘Jim’ caught her eye and seemed to be staring at her with anger. Just to look at his name made her feel so sad all of a sudden and she felt the urge to cry. Jim still wouldn’t look over to her.

***

It was almost five and he still hadn’t said anything to her. She felt like it was his turn now to say something and apologize. After all, she didn’t do anything wrong did she?

She went over to his desk and grabbed the bowl of Jellybeans.

“I’m taking these back to reception,” she said.

“Fine,” he said, almost too soft for anyone to hear it, including Pam. She turned around, frustrated he wouldn’t talk to her.

At five Roy came upstairs and after she grabbed her coat she left with him, without looking back.

“How was your day at work, babe?” Roy asked, his eyes steady on the road.

Pam sat in the passenger’s seat next to him, staring to the right. She saw a vague reflection of herself in the window, a ‘see-through Pam’ she thought to herself. A small flicker of the person she could be, or the person she thought she wanted to be. The car suddenly felt so small and it was as if the air thickened, causing her to take deeper breaths.

“Pammy?”

She hated it when he called her that. She slowly began to panick, as she inhaled air more and more vigourously. She needed some fresh air. She felt scared and dizzy and all she saw was her sad eyes staring back at her from the window.

“Are you alright, Pam?”

“Could you just pull over for a second?” she asked.

Roy steered his car on the hard shoulder and pulled over. Pam got out of the car and sat down on the concrete, her head between her knees, trying the calm herself down. She could feel the cold air filling her lungs, and it comforted her. She felt an arm on her back and heard Roy saying something, but she couldn’t distinguish words. It all just seemed to pass her by, there was only one voice she could hear in her head, one laugh that ringed in her ears, one pair of eyes she invisioned clearly.

She hated fighting with him. And she didn’t understand why he had been so strange and short with her. He was the one thing that kept her going through the day, he was the one person who could make her laugh when she felt like hell. And if he wasn’t there for her anymore, who would be?

She was scared, and felt strangely alone, even with Roy’s arms wrapped around her.

“Pam! Pam! Are you okay?!” Roy shouted.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she stuttered, “I don’t know, I think I was hyperventilating.”

“Why on earth would you do that?! What happened?”

“God! I don’t know okay? Just... just take me home,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Come on, Pammy. I didn’t mean to shout okay? I just, I.. got scared for a minute. You scared me. I’m sorry. Come on, let’s get you in the car and go home.”

Pam let him take her to the car, she let him drive her home and she let him kiss her in their bedroom. It was easier that way. She didn’t need to think, or do anything. She would just let him.

***

She woke up at 1am, her cheeks burning a little from her salty tears. Roy lay fast asleep beside her. Her legs were restless and she decided to make herself some tea, just to relax a little.
She got out of bed slowly, without waking up Roy.

She stared into the dark streets while her water was beginning to boil. The streets were empty except for some cars passing by. She wondered if Jim was asleep. She hadn’t been able to get him out of her mind ever since their fight and by now she didn’t even try anymore.

She wanted to talk to him, needed to talk to him. How bad could this be? It was still Jim right, it was probably all just a silly misunderstanding or maybe he had just been in an exceptionally bad mood. Everybody has that sometimes.

But then why hadn’t he said something? Anything, to explain his behaviour.

She wanted so badly to call him, and ask him for an explanation. But she was too afraid. And she didn’t want to wake him up either. She just needed him to apologize, needed him to be her friend again, needed him.

She sipped her tea, stood up and walked to their livingroom to turn on her computer. An email wouldn’t do any harm, would it?

She opened her mail and tried to think of the right way to start. She watched the cursor on her screen appear, dissapear and reappear for a while. Then she started to type.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: (none)

Jim,

You are probably asleep considdering the timing of this email but I decided to send it to you anyway. I’d like to talk to you I think we should talk. I want to know what’s going on. We’re supposed to be best friends, right?
Just, let me know okay?

- Pam

She hit send before she could change her mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


He grabbed a beer out of his fridge and turned on some sports game on tv. He didn’t feel like sleeping anyway. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He hated how depressed he could get when they were in an arguement. He just couldn’t take it. Ignoring her the whole afternoon hadn’t worked either. He sighed and closed his eyes. As he heard the humming sound of his tv in the distance he slowly drifted off to sleep.

***

He woke abruptly by the sound of a loudly honking car horn and rubbed his eyes. He looked at his watch; 1:38am. Great, he thought turning off the tv and lifting himself up from his couch. His neck hurt from the uncomforable position he had been sleeping in. He decided to go to bed.

He stood in his bathroom and brushed his teeth. He tried to avoid the gaze of his reflection, doing everything in his power to deny the fact he wouldn’t like what he’d see. A man who was too big of a coward to follow his dreams.

Jim had a habbit. Every night before he went to bed, he would check his inbox before shutting down his computer. He didn’t know why he did it, or how it had started, but he just did.

This night wasn’t any different.

He opened his inbox; and there it was. An email from Pam. It was almost as if he’d expected it. He considdered not opening it and just go to sleep. He was afraid he wouldn’t like what she had to say.

But he couldn’t. He could not force himself to close the window and turn of his computer. He had to know, he couldn’t resist.

He read her email. Of course.
Of course she wanted to talk, and know what was going on. But he couldn’t.

He wasn’t like Ryan. They’d both wasted time. Ryan not making a move on Laura, Jim not letting Pam go.

He shut down his computer and went to bed.

Without replying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pam’s bare feet were getting cold. She was still sitting in front of her computer, her arms wrapped around her knees. She refreshed the page every three minutes.

No reply from Jim.

At 2:15am Roy suddenly entered the room.

“Pam? What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night, come back to bed!”

“I’ll be right there,” she answered.

She refreshed the page on more time before shutting her computer down and going after Roy.