"Douche!"

"That's- that's really not mature. Nice way to answer your phone."

"Ha! What can I say, I gave you a special ring tone. How'd it go today?"

"How did what go? Oh the interview...eh. The guy was kind of weird...I mean, spastic, like hyped up on something. Michael, I believe his name was. But the lady who interviewed me was pretty nice, straightforward."

"Was she hot?"

"Focus."

"Sorry. But at least you're trying to find work now, to be able to pay off those student loans."

"Let's see, here I am a graduate of communications and well...I guess in a way I'll be communicating with people...kinda."

"It' a job. And you wanted to start being an adult. You and Mark can't just play Madden all day and go to bars at night."

"I don't get why that couldn't have been my career."

"It's a start, bro. I mean, it's a job right, just temporary. So did you get it?"

"Well, you're talking to the newest sales representative at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton."

"Awesome. So...you sale paper now."

"Okay, seriously, I hate you. Don't...make fun of me. It's not my fault the job market, after four years of half ass-ing my way through school, is garbage."

"Didn't you go to summer school? So technically, it's more like four and a half years."

"I'm hanging up-"

"Okay, okay don't hang up. No, wait! Seriously, I'm proud of you, Jim."

"Oh my god, shutup, Jon."

"Fine, I take my attempt to be nice back. When do you start?"

"Monday. It's definitely temporary. Six months and I'm out. I can't see myself selling card stock. That's not my career, and if it is, that's just gonna be really, really, really sad. Hey, you want to drive that extra hour and grab a beer with me?"

"Sure. I'll drive down there and celebrate with you. You're buying."

"Ah, thanks."

"Anytime. Call Mom first."

"How was your first day?"

"Ughh."

"Use descriptive words, Jim."

"Remember...when you worked at like Burger King for like three days and you said it you'd never look at the whopper the same again?"

"Worst three days of my life."

"It was sorta like that."

"Jim, you sell paper, how bad could it be?"

"Well...okay. I sit next to a guy named Dwight. And that wouldn't have been so bad...if he didn't try to convince me that a spud gun was protected under the right to bear arms in the Constitution."

"Interesting..."

"He was very...passionate about that too. Asked me did I want to go to paintball championship with him."

"That's nice."

"I should have known, Pam warned me."

"Pam?"

"The receptionist. She told me I would never be the same after I met Dwight. She was so right..."

"Pam....is she hot?"

"Yeah...I guess. Yeah. She's my age. Pretty great actually."

"Love sparks...awww...how cute. Jim Halpert gets it on with the secretary."

"Receptionist. And she's really nice, so don't talk about her like that."

"Calm down, no one's saying anything about your girlfriend."

"Whatever. Anyway, there's this old guy named Creed, he pretty much slept the whole time I was there, under his desk. Pam told me he was in a band in the 70's and she suspects he snorted enough drugs to knock out a third world county. I gotta say I agree. No one seemed to notice he was under his desk though ...which was weird. Then it's Oscar, Kevin, and Angela in accounting."

"Angela? Hot?"

"Is that where your mind always goes?"

"Kinda."

"She's okay. She's sorta...mean. I said hello to her at the fax near Pam and she said I needed a haircut."

"Hmmm..."

"Oscar and Kevin are cool. Kevin does fantasy football. There's this guy in HR, Toby, cool dude, well before Michael told him he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore."

"What?"

"See? It's crazy! From what I gather...Michael's a little touched or something. He's just...he's a bit over the top, but you can tell he's trying a bit too hard. Pam says you get used to it after awhile. He always comes to her desk and does these awful - and I mean awful- imitations of someone and she's learned to zone him out. Come to think of it, he's like you kind of..."

"Oh, low friggin' blow."

"Score. Let's see, what else? There's a woman named Meredith, who sits near the Creed guy. I'm pretty sure she's having her own kegger at her desk...as she was passed out majority of the time. Pam had to shake her awake to go to the conference room for a meeting. I'm guessing it's something about that section of the office...yep definitely staying away from there. Then it's Stanley, Phyllis who is really sweet, Kelly- and she seems okay, didn't talk to her, she's in the annex in the back...and there's Devon, and a temp named Maggie -"

"What did Pam say about them?"

"She didn't say anything about them, I don't think. Why?"

"Because Pam and you seemed to talk a lot on your first day."

"Oh...I mean, she's really nice and sweet, and I mean-"

"Uh huh."

"Shutup."

"You like Pam."

"I just met her. But I guess, she's...it's so odd because I don't see her being someone's receptionist. She's got too much personality for that job."

"Ah. How do you know about her personality?"

"We talked in the break room. What are you getting at Jon?"

"Why don't you ask her out?"

"I...like for a beer or something? No...I mean, I shouldn't date people at work. That's not a good idea. But, I dunno. Maybe...a lunch date or something."

"Yeah. Nothing fancy, nothing wrong with a lunch date. People have lunch dates all the time. That way if she's like, got some sort of weird tick or felonies or something, no harm no foul. You can write it off as a friend thing."

"That, makes sense..."

"Well sounds like you had a good day, little brother."

"I did. I think I really did."

"Hey."

"Wow, you sound...are you crying?"

"What?! No. I'm not crying."

"Okay, what's up with you then? How was the lunch date? You said you were going to ask her today."

"Yeah...I did."

"Oh, she rejected it huh?"

"No...we went to Cugino's for lunch. And it was really really nice."

"Okayyyy...so you hit it off I'm guessing. So why are you acting all moody?"

"We had this great talk, she's...she draws. Like an artist. And she's really good at it but she doesn't think so. She didn't even go to school for it but she drew me this picture on a napkin and I was totally blown away by it. And Pam likes some awesome movies too, and she watches some sports so when she bought up the stats on the Eagles, I was kinda...she's really awesome..."

"So...again. She's like, sounding pretty amazing."

"She is. God...she is. We talked about anything. It just seemed so easy. Like, we knew each other before, or something. I just feel like a fool."

"Jim...what happened-?"

"She's engaged. I mean, here I am, drooling over this woman, and we're having this...it had to be like seriously the best lunch I ever had...and she says to me...honest to god, she says ‘You sound like my fiancée Roy'."

"Wow. There it is..."

"It. just. sucks.ass."

"I agree."

"And I finally stop being a big idiot and notice this tiny ass ring on her finger, and she's sitting there smiling at me, and trying to keep up the conversation, and all I could do is look at that damned ring."

"I'm sorry bro, but there's more fish in the sea."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sounding like a girl right now aren't I?"

"It happens. Remember fish in the sea and all that. You are the fisherman..."

"Don't ever say that to me, ever again. So weird."

"I'm going to put that on a t-shirt somewhere. Inspirations by Jon. At least you know early on. Before you like, really started to like her, right?"

"Yeah...I guess..."

"Hey, go out with Mark, go shoot some darts or something. It does suck, but hey...it happens."

((long pause))

"Yeah. You're right, I don't know why I'm spazzing over this."

"Are you alright? You need a hug or something?"

"Naw. Keep your hugs to yourself."

"Later, Jim."

"Bye Jon."

"Mmmphfpphhhgarggg."

"Uh, hello? Can I speak to Jon?"

"Huh? I said hello...you called me, remember?"

"Well, next time answer speaking the Queen's English. What are you doing? What's all that noise? You're having sex aren't you? You are. Wow. That's disgusting...and awkward."

"No, I had a piece of toast in my mouth while I was locking the door and answering the phone. I was...trying to multi-task but obviously it's not my thing. And FYI, if...at any point in my life where I was having actual real life two person sex, I would definitely NOT be answering ANY of your calls."

"Touché."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing, waiting for the pizza to get here. Still sitting in my work clothes."

"You are a man of leisure, aren't you?"

"You're so funny Jon. You remind me of Dane Cook. Except, even less funny, and not as popular with the ladies."

"No need to throw insults. How was work? Or shall I say...Pam?"

"The cameras are there. They started yesterday."

"I still don't get that. Why do a documentary on a fifth rated paper company...in Scranton? Unless you guys, like, do something awesome like underground drag racing, I don't see the point."

"Wow. That...kinda hurt. Are you saying my job is boring?"

"Let me think...yeah, yeah I am."

"Well I dunno. It is kind of weird they want to film us. I don't want to expose the outside world to Dwight, besides, no one will probably even watch it, and it'll be on PBS at like four thirty in the morning behind that guy who paints fluffy clouds or something. Pam's all nervous they are going to give Michael even more of an excuse to act like an ass."

"She has a point."

"Yeah, we were in the break room the other day and Michael asked her at what point did her breasts start to develop, because...he thought he was developing breasts."

"I'm sorry...what? Repeat that for me."

"He's gained some weight and been losing his hair recently, I'm guessing his chest area is become a little...breast-y."

"Ummm. Well, what did Pam say? It is a valid question."

"No...no, Jon. Normal people don't ask things like that. Only people like Michael would. And then Dwight would print out research on it for him to read up on. But normal everyday people like you and me...we don't say things like that. As far as Pam, it kind of stunned us for a moment; I think she fell into shock or something."

"So what did she say? Did she slap him? Scream at him, go to HR? What? Why hasn't Michael gotten dragged to corporate for his comments yet?"

"He's just being Michael. No harm no foul. I was going to say something, after I picked my jaw up off the floor, but Pam didn't even say anything because...Roy and Darryl walked in and Michael's afraid of the warehouse guys, so that was that. Roy saved the day...I guess."

"Uh oh."

"What?"

"Roy mention...you usually get in a mood after you say his name."

"Mood? I don't have a mood. What are you...I don't...it's not like that."

"Seriously, Jim..."

"Don't start."

"It's been two years."

"I know."

"You have missed your calling to be some kind of monk or something. Because you too fucking patient."

"Why? Because I think Pam's breasts are inappropriate to talk about in the break room at work?"

"No...listen, I know you don't like talking about it..."

"I don't so, just stop."

"But Jim, you have to..."

"Hold on a sec...Mom's beeping in."

"Saved by the fucking bell."

"Bye Jon."

"Hey."

"Hey man."

"That's it? No quick barb of witty repartee? Nothing?"

"Okay, how about this? You...suck?"

"Uh, no effort was put into that. It's pathetic. What's going on with you?"

"Me? Eh, nothing. Nothing at all, except...I didn't get that big commission sale today, so I won't be able to hang out with you guys in Philly next week like I thought. I gotta make up for the difference in my paycheck."

"Aw man, you're fucking kidding me right? You always land that deal. What happened?"

"Michael apparently got hold of a Chris Rock comedy special, and decided to act it out, in great detail, at work."

"Sounds bad."

"King of the understatements. It kind of offended everyone, including small furry animals. Corporate sent down a diversity coach to help us ‘deal' with Michael's comments, but that only lead to more comments...and let's just say Dwight got my sale and the world friggin' hates me, ok? Happy now. I need a beer."

"Dude, you seriously have got to find another job. Dwight got your sale?"

"Dwight."

"Dwight Schrute? Dwight K. Schrute? The guy who has no social skills what-so-ever?"

"Don't...make me feel even worse. Eh. I was just...I gotta give it to him, whatever he did or said, he deserved that sale."

"Too fucking modest. Why aren't you more angry? I would be pissed. You're way too melancholy about this. Dude stole your client, now you can't go to Philly."

"I'll figure out something. No reason to get mad at Dwight or Michael. It's just another day in the office."

"You work in a crazy ass office."

"Tell me about it."

"Sorry you had a bad day."

"Not such a bad day actually..."

"Hmmm... so...what did Pam say about Dwight stealing your sale?"

"She doesn't know about my sale. She was so worn out from Michael's presentation and his assertion to attack racism with the North-"

"Wow."

"Yeah, she just, she fell asleep on me while we were sitting in the conference room. Just sort of conked out."

"Wait, wait, wait...ON you? On you, like on your body? Like, what part?"

"You, sir...are gross."

"Part of my charm."

"She fell asleep on my shoulder, ya ditz."

"Awww, how Sweet Valley High of you both."

"Shutup."

"Well at least it wasn't all a waste, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Don't worry about Philly. You're coming. I'll front you. No way am I letting you miss the game and watching Chuck get wasted off of domestic beer."

"Jon-"

"No buts. Me. You. Beers. In Philly. Gonna happen. Talk to you later."

"...so I'm sitting there, wondering what the hell? This girl just stuck her FINGER in my mouth and-"

"No way!"

"-All the way down my throat and I'm looking like ‘what the hell?' and Dean is totally cracking up because then the girl just walked away like she didn't just shove her finger in my throat while I was talking!"

"That does NOT happen in real life, Jon. You are lying and making this up."

"I swear to god..."

"No, no...I don't believe you! Oh god...give me a second, let me just...breathe... wow. Okay. Wait a minute, still laughing."

"Crazy. So, what happened at good ole Dunder- Mifflin today?"

"I'm still trying to get the image of the girl shoving her finger in your mouth out of my head. Nothing really happened today. I mean...I met someone."

"I'm sorry....you met someone, you said? A girl?"

"Uh, yeah. Katy."

"Jesus, Jim. This is huge."

"Shutup. We just went out for a few drinks."

"No, no! Tell me more."

"There's nothing to tell, she's a nice girl. Red hair. Pretty face. She was selling purses in the conference room; she's like a vendor or something."

"So she's hot?"

"Yeah...you can say she's pretty hot. But it's not all about looks. Well for me it isn't...I'm not a shallow bastard like you are. She looks like she would be high maintenance, but she's not. She's pretty cool to hang out with actually."

"Wow. And you like her?"

"Um...You act as though you are surprised I like girls or something."

"No, it's just...her name isn't Pam."

"Ah. Here we go."

"No, Jim...I'm serious. This Katy girl...you think will help you get over-?"

"Look, Katy's...I'm getting to know her. We went out, had a couple of drinks-"

"Made out?"

"Maybe. That's...none of your business. I'm just saying, I'm going to give it a chance. It's not like love at first sight or anything."

"Like you had with Pam."

"Are you gonna rag on me about her today? Swear to god, I just want one conversation where you aren't ragging on me about her. I'm trying to get over this crush, Pam's with...Roy. They are engaged and I'm not in love with her, because she's engaged. We're friends. We're just...friends."

"You keep chanting that and maybe it will come true."

"I don't get it. You act as if I should make a move on a woman who's obviously in love with another guy."

"I'm not saying you should. I'm saying you should get to know Katy."

"I'm trying to. I just..."

"Hang up and call her now."

"I'm talking to you. You want me to hang up in your face and call her, just like that?"

"Call her, take her out, just...be the young single guy you are."

"Yeah...okay. Whatever."

"Or sit there and pine for a girl who's getting married whenever her fiancée learns how to read a calendar. Whatever makes you happy."

"I really, really wish you were adopted."

"No you don't."

"Can we get back to the girl shoving her finger down your throat?"

"She was kinda hot, though...so...I think I found that a bit kinky."

"Oh my god..."

"Jim?"

"Yeah...still here. Sorry, kind of...zoned out for a minute."

"Oh...you okay? I feel like an idiot yammering about Lorraine and you're not even listening."

"No, I'm sorry...I just...sorry...so this is your third date with Lorraine?"

"Don't even act like you were listening. What's up with you?"

"No, I want to hear about Lorraine, and how sad it is that she finds you date-able."

"For the same reasons your ex girlfriend Melissa did."

"That was third grade, doesn't count. ((heavy sigh))"

"Counts to me. So tell me, what's going on, didn't you have some awards thing to go to tonight?"

"Yeah...yeah. The Dundies."

"Sounds spectacular. Like the Oscars mixed with Senior Night at Scranton High."

"Scranton High probably has better awards. Most likely to grow up and become a Paper Salesman at a Dead End Job. Thank you very much; ladies and gentlemen...I'd like to thank my guidance counselor, my college advisor, the failing economy..."

"So what award did you get?"

"I don't remember..."

"Short term memory loss already, Jim? So young."

"Oh, I won the Jim Halpert award..."

"How boring for you. He didn't give you the Tallest Freak of Nature in the Office? Or Most Likely to Find a Way NOT to Work?"

"Eh...I like my award. It's classy."

"What did Pam get? No, no...let me guess....Longest Engagement. Like last year and the year before..."

((long pause))

"Hello?"

"Uh...no, no...I finagled Michael into giving her something else this year. Um...she got....Whitest Sneaker Award."

"What's going on, Jim?"

"Aren't you going out with Lorraine tonight?"

"Talk to me, bro."

"Pam kissed me."

"Bullshit!"

"Okayyy...((heavy sigh))"

"Jim?! This is big! This is huge-!"

"That's what she said..."

"Who said? Pam?!"

"No...not...it's a joke Michael does and it's...annoying...look, it doesn't matter."

"What happened?!"

"I don't even know where to begin. She'd been having a bad day. Michael forced her to watch old Dundie tapes and she had to watch herself getting the Longest Engagement award over and over and over again. She looked a little upset, so I...being Jim, the nice guy I am, went in and convinced Michael to give her another award. She always looks so embarrassed when he announces it, so hurt-"

"Well, that's what happens when you're engaged to an asshole."

"She...loves him...I guess. I don't know."

"Yeah...((long pause)) So where's Katy?"

"She's at home. She didn't go with me. I didn't ask her really. I know we could invite family and friends, but I just...I didn't even think to invite her."

"Well you still haven't told me how you and Pam kissed."

"It doesn't matter, it didn't mean anything. She was drunk anyway, and...I dunno. Basically Roy and Darryl came with her and right before things got really started, Roy being the asshole he is, wanted to leave. I'm guessing Pam wanted to stay, even if it was embarrassing to get her award...but I mean, he never lets her fucking do anything...or more like she lets him not let her do anything. So she comes back in, they must have argued and she decided to stay. But she came back in and started guzzling drinks. It was kind of adorable because Pam's not much of a drinker."

"Okay....and the kissing started when exactly?"

"She got her award, and when Michael announced it the look on her face was pure surprise, I swear you'd though she'd won the lottery. She ran up there and grabbed the mic from Michael, thank god...and started rambling about God's in Chili's, and I'm like, laughing because even drunk she's just...friggin' amazing..."

"Jim..."

"She runs back over to me, and I go to hug her, because I'm like, glad Michael did what I asked, ya know? He never does what you ask...and I'm hugging her and she's hugging me back and she just looks up and kisses me dead on the lips."

"In front of everyone?"

"Yep. And I don't even know what to do! Should I kiss her back? Push her away because I don't want anyone saying the wrong thing about her to Roy, but then I'm like, fuck Roy, but by then she's back in her seat and I have to figure out what the hell just happened."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing...at least....well she's was kind of drunk for awhile, at the bar, it looked as if she wanted to say something...but then she fell out of the chair and Dwight took his shirt off...not that any of that matters, but then we were outside, right after Chili's banned her forever, and...I swear for like moment before she got in the car, she wanted....to say something."

"Let me guess, she didn't."

"No, she didn't. But I swear she wanted to. I swear if she just...maybe she doesn't and it was just something a really drunk girl does. Randomly makes out with whoever's around."

"Dude...you of all people know, it's not like that."

"((sigh)) I know, Jon. I know."

"Hey, you busy? I just want to ask you something really quick."

"No...just waiting for Lorraine to come over. Hey, did Lisa call you about-?"

"Mom's surprise birthday party? Yeah, she did. And I'm trying to figure out how I became in charge of picking up the cake."

"Quit your whining. I got balloons. You figure out how I can fit 100 balloons in a Nissan Z and then you can whine about cake."

"Yeah it's just that-hold on for a sec, Jon-"

"Sure."

"Mustard, no relish, and no pickles- Okay, I'm back."

"What are you doing?"

"Katy was getting me a burger and I have this thing about having it my way."

"Must be watching your girlish figure. You sound like you're in a good mood. Is Katy coming to Mom's party?"

"Uh... well... um. No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"((whispers)) Can we talk about that later?"

"Sure, I mean, don't you want her to meet Mom and I want to see her. Boy, do I want to see her."

"Shut up. ((long pause)) Okay she went to get some ketchup. Dude, how can you break the Brothers Code of Ethics asking me questions like that when she was sitting here next to me? I'm not bringing her because I just don't want to get too serious right now."

"You've been dating on and off for months."

"If you call that dating. She's coming back now, talk about something else."

"Okay, okay. I know the drill. How was work?"

"Slacked all day. You'd be proud."

"So it was an ordinary day for you."

"Actually, Michael went out finish closing on his condo and Dwight went with him for protection or something. So with no one to prank, I decided to put together all these like little games to play. And thus, Games of the First Dunder-Mifflin Olympiad were born."

"If I didn't know you were getting laid, I would think this was a cry for help."

"It was fun. Everyone was into it. It was originally Pam's idea and we just spun off into different little games around the office for downtime."

"Uh huh. Pam's idea."

"It was. I died of boredom and she got me back up and running with some silly little games. You have no idea how creative she can -Hold on, Jon. Oh, our food's ready. You're gonna get it? Thanks Katy."

"Uh huh."

"She's just going to go get our food."

"Yeah, so you have forty seconds to talk about Pam while she's away."

"Shut up."

"So what games did you play?"

"Dunderball, Skeet Schruting...which was my personal favorite. It involves Dwight's coffee cup and throwing things in it..."

"Did you sell any paper today?"

"Shut.Up."

"Jim, invite Katy to Mom's party."

"Ummm...no and I'm so going to kick your ass for this."

"Jim."

"My food's here, gotta go."

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Uh...yeah. Can I speak to Jim Halpert please?"

"I'm sorry, Jim isn't at his desk."

"Weird. I called earlier and no one answered."

"Oh yeah, we had a fire and uh...we were all outside. He stuck around for awhile, because we didn't know when we would be able to come back in. Jim made up some games because we were all bored, and...I'm totally rambling, anyway, he went out to lunch. Would you like to um...leave a message?"

"Oh yeah...It's his brother. Jon."

"Jon? Oh heyyyy. I'm Pam, I don't know if Jim ever mentioned me but-"

"A couple of times... I think. Nice to finally meet you. Well, 'meet' as in over the phone..."

"Ha! Jim's mentioned me...um...uh, he went to lunch with his uh...girlfriend, Katy."

"Okay, well, tell him I called."

"I will."

"Bye Pam. Again, nice talking to you."

"You too. Bye...Jon."

"Happy Halloween, little brother."

"Are you drunk dialing me? That's so...incredibly sad."

"I'm not that drunk."

"You've been to a party, I presume."

"You presume correct...ly. ((pause)) I think."

"Oh. You're clearly wasted. Incredibly sad...big bro."

"Jim?"

"Jon?"

"I think I love Lorraine."

"Ok. So tell her."

"No. No...it's too soon. Plus I don't want to just say it, ya know."

"No, I don't know. You guys have been dating for awhile. You talk about her all the time. When you love someone, you should just say it."

"HA!"

"What?"

"That was cute. Really, really cute."

"What?"

"You don't say it."

"To Katy? No. But I'm not in love with Katy; you're in love with Lorraine thou-"

"You know who I'm talking about."

"Yeah, you're wasted."

"I talked to her. When you had the fire at your job."

"Oh yeah?"

"You were out to lunch with...how'd she put it? You girlfriend, Katy. She seemed a bit put off by it, but maybe I was just hearing things. I was surprised, because I was expecting her voice to sound like heaven's harps floating in my ears. You make her sound so great."

"That's just because she...is."

"Well, she sounds like a regular person to me, but she was nice. She said you kept everyone pretty entertained."

"Yeah...well...she says a lot of things she doesn't mean sometimes."

"Like what?"

"You're way to drunk to have this conversation."

"I'm totally sober."

"And I invented the wheel. But I'll tell you anyway because you probably won't even remember any of this tomorrow. Today...I dunno why it made me so mad, and we totally made up but...earlier today, we were pranking Dwight and posting his resume to Monster.com and stuff, and it was going really great, I almost got him two jobs, one as a hot fog vendor even...but we came across this job at Cumberland Mills in Maryland and well...she said I should take that job."

"What was the job?"

"It was a really great offer actually...more money, near the Chesapeake Bay. Better benefits."

"And she told you to take it?! The nerve!"

"Your sarcasm is unnecessary."

"Off with her head!"

"Whatever. It's just, it made it seem like she could care less if I left. Like...she wouldn't miss me or anything...I dunno...Guess not, she's with Roy, right? I'm only her friend between nine and six."

"Jim, you're seriously fucking up my buzz."

"Sorry. Wouldn't want to ruin your drunkeness."

"You gonna be okay? You said you guys made up?"

"Yeah, I mean, as made up as two people who are just merely work buddies can make up. She said she would...ha...she said she would blow her brains out if I left."

"Isn't that dedicated?"

"She didn't mean it literally."

"I hope not. Uh huh. You're falling, Jim. You're falling hard and you're going to fall so hard, I don't see you getting back up again. This is worse than when you loved that girl Sherry in freshman year. Wonder what she's up to now?"

"Okay. That's the Vodka talking."

"Maybe. But it's true."

"Go have fun with Lorraine. I gotta get out of my three hole punch costume and relax."

"You still do that? You did that last year."

"Bye Jon."

"So..."

"It's not that big of a deal, seriously, it's not like...you know..."

"God Jim, I wish you could just..."

"It was my fault, I was joking and I took it too far."

"NO. You were joking and she over reacted. And now you're sitting here beating yourself up over it, and for what? She's at home, with her ogre of a fiancée ignoring the shit out of her... probably watching ESPN and yelling at her to get him a beer and make him a fucking bologna sandwich, while you're sitting in a depression on your couch wondering whether or not the fact that you were wrestling with her went too far."

"Well that's sorta an exaggeration. And you're kind of freaking me out with how angry this makes you. You don't-"

"Now it's time for you to over react and stop being her butt boy, Jim-"

"Whoa! Time out. Everyone to their corners. First off, I am nobody's 'butt boy', Jon. Let's get that straight right now. When we went to that Dojo, Pam and I were friends. That's who she views me as and that doesn't make me her ‘butt boy', okay? And I like being her friend. I like being able to hear what she thinks and feels and- you know what- she TRUSTS me with it. It's weird to you that I'm not letting my dick lead me all over that office. I'm sorry! God, you make me seem like I'm some sort of wimp or something-"

"Not a wimp but you're whipped by a woman you're not even in a relationship with. Look...okay, ((deep calming breath)) I'm sure Pam is great. She seems really nice. And I get it, you love her-"

"Jon."

"You don't want to admit it, but you do."

"I feel a lot of things for Pam. I feel..."

"You love her. And no, ya know what? I don't get it-"

"I'm confused because you just said you got it-"

"Don't be funny. Don't turn this into a gotdamned joke."

"Trying to ease the tension here."

"Don't. Be angry-"

"You seem to have that covered just fine-"

"I don't get it because you're involved with a woman, who's not involved with you and it's frustrating-"

"But that's my choice. I can't help how I feel for her. I can't just turn it off. But I don't...I will not mess up our friendship because I can't get over whatever I have going on with me right now. Pam's not aware I like her, okay?

"Oh, she's aware."

"No she isn't. She's been with one guy for ten years. You don't know her, she doesn't think she's as awesome as she is, in her mind, I guess...Roy's the only guy that's ever been that way to her. She just...doesn't understand and I'm not going to push her to. I crossed that line when I picked her up today. I made her uncomfortable-"

"Maybe she needs to feel a bit uncomfortable. Maybe she needs to see you're still a man, and not her girlfriend. There is a difference, ya know.-"

"You're a being a bit sensitive-"

"You're the king of sensitive, Jim! You're upset that you upset her, but you did nothing wrong. You guys were joking, she was teasing you, and you were teasing back and oh god!! You put your hands on her!! OH MY GOD!! You are a sick bastard!! Seriously Jim-((laughs bitterly))"

"Okay, that's not cool... I don't know why I'm even talking to you about this right now."

"Because...you can't talk to her."

((long pause))

"Dude, I love you, okay-"

"Wow, now who's sensitive?"

"I do. You're my little brother. And I don't like seeing you suffering day in and day out. Even if...Pam is this nice girl. It just...upsets me."

"Apparently. Want to go splash some water on your face? Take a nap? Do some yoga?"

"I hate how you can blow this off and yet be so affected by it all at the same time."

"Like you said... I love her. I can't help it."

"((sigh)) Okay..."

"Truce?"

"No, I still hate you."

"Awww...well, hey, want to do me a favor anyway?"

"What?"

"Okay. So I got a prank I want to pull on Dwight..."

"Dunder -Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hello Pam. It's Jon."

"Hi! How's it goin'?"

"Pretty good. Yourself?"

"I'm doing...good too."

"Great!"

"I'll um...transfer you to Jim."

"No wait...transfer me to a ‘Dwayne Schrute'. Please and thank you."

"((tries to hold in a snort)) Oh my god. Did Jim tell you what he was doing to Dwight?"

"((laughs)) You mean Dwayne? Yeah, he did and I am more than happy to help...ahem...kindly transfer-"

"Okay. Good luck Jon."

**beep**

"Dwight Schrute."

"Yes, can I speak to a Dwayne Schrute please?"

"F....Did-? No he couldn't have."

"I'm sorry but can you connect me to this Dwayne Schrute or not? I really want to buy alot of paper. Like a ridiculous amount."

"There is NO ONE here by that name, so I can not transfer you. However I am Dwight Schrute, which is very similar to Dwayne and I also sell paper. So, I will be happy to assist you."

"Wait, so I have a card that clearly reads Dwayne Schrute, though."

"Well, again...there is no one here by that name. Despite the fact that I also received a fax in that name and a UPS package. Obviously it's some kind of identity theft or mix up or-"

"Look, that's all fascinating and everything, but really, if your last name is Schrute, you must know this Dwayne guy. Maybe you're long lost twins, or cousins or something..."

"No. I absorbed my twin before I was born, so it couldn't be my twin.But that doesn't matter because Dwayne doesn't work here. My name is Dwight. It's either a misprint or some sort of vision problem you are having."

"D-W-A-Y-N-E. That spells Dwayne."

"I know what it spells, but-"

"And I would like to speak to him."

"I can't help you, because there is no Dwayne Schrute. Only Dwight. And that's me. D-W-I-G-"

"Yeah, this is ridiculous. The card says Dwayne. And I want to speak to Dwayne."

"Who is this? Did Jim make you do this?"

"Who's Jim? I don't know any Jim. But hey, ask him if he knows Dwayne?"

"Dammit Jim-"

((click...dial tone))

"Hello? Dwayne?"

"Everything okay?"

"Peachy."

"So you and Lorraine got in a fight?"

"Sorta. I mean, I love her. But I guess...I dunno. How do you know when someone is your soul mate?"

"You just feel it...I guess. Do you feel it?"

"This is too girly for me to be talking about."

"Maybe. Want to talk about breasts instead?"

"I mean...I feel it. I feel happy when I'm with her. She's incredible. She's perfect...so why can't I say it?"

"Because...you're afraid of putting yourself out there."

"No...maybe...I don't know."

"Yeah. You're afraid that if you say what you're thinking or feeling, she'll reject it in some way."

"Ah...Speaking from experience?"

"Maybe. No. I dunno. But we're talking about you tonight. My problems are my problems."

"No...no...I want to know. I mean, I know I don't agree with everything you do in this situation, but...I know you love her. So tell, what happened?"

"Jon..."

"Jimmy."

"I hate when you do that. Don't call me Jimmy, I won't call you Johnny."

"Fair enough. So, what happened?"

"It's really stupid...Michael wrote a screen play that he was a secret agent and Pam found it. We made copies and the whole office acted it out. It was...really fun. Then later that night, I cancelled plans with Katy, because honestly, she's kind of clingy and...I hung out with Pam on the roof until it got really late. It was nice you know. I made her my grill cheese and for once, I felt like she was happy to be there with just me. She didn't run home when Roy came to get her, she stayed, to hang out with me."

"And?"

"Wait...why do we always end up talking about me?"

"Because you're so damned interesting and stuff..."

"Shutup. So...the next day I kind of said it was our first date, as a joke...and she...she just cut it short. It wasn't a date. So I snapped at her because earlier, she said her first date with Roy ended up with him leaving her at a hockey game because he forgot about her..."

"What. A. Winner."

"I hurt her feelings. I didn't...mean to."

"But I understand. You're becoming frustrated. And every time you hear stories like that....stories about him being an asshole to her...and you know you couldn't do that to her, like ever...it makes you mad."

"Yeah."

"Lorraine told me she loved me and I just...froze."

"At least, you can say it to her."

"Look at us, the Halpert boys...fine, strapping, young lads-"

"Whoa. Did you say 'Lads?'"

"Yes, we're young stapping lads, and yet we can't catch a break in the girl department."

"Who calls people ‘lads' anymore?"

"Not the point, anyway- oh, Lorraine's beeping in."

"Answer it."

"Okay, bye."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to your party."

"That's because I didn't invite you."

"Still... Is it over?"

"Yeah. Just cleaning up. Mark's abandoned me because Stephanie owns his soul now or something."

"Bummer. How'd it turn out?"

"Pretty damn good. The entire office showed up, we sang Karaoke. Dwight thought it was a surprise party for Michael. All together, pretty damned good."

"Michael showed up after all? I thought-"

"He spied it on my email e-vites. And just showed up and began a thrilling rendition of Islands In the Stream..."

"And to think I missed that."

"You did. Wow...they totally trashed my place."

"Did, Pam show up?"

"Um...yeah...yeah she showed up. She had fun too."

"What...happened?"

"Nothing. Tonight was pretty mellow. No Laguna Beach type drama tonight."

"Ah....so...are you guys cool now? Still friends with no benefits?"

"We're fine. I mean, she was up in my room and I showed her my dashing freshman high school yearbook photo."

"Wow, and you think she'll ever like you now?"

"Probably not."

"Sounds like a good night?"

"It was. It was."

"Katy come over?"

"Nope. Haven't...really talked to Katy."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Ohhh...hey, wanna meet up tomorrow?"

"Sure...what time?"

"My flight should be there, at like, let me see...I can't find the ticket...ah, here it is... three AM. Lorraine was not too pleased with that, she's not really a morning person. She gets bed head and sometimes she snores. But that's what happens when we decide to take a ski trip right before Christmas."

"Uh huh."

"Yeah, and you know how much I hate flying, which is weird because my job requires me to fly all the time. I wonder do they even know I hate it? I mean I turn five shades of red every time they give me a travel itinerary. Plus Colorado weather sucks I hope you're not stuck at the airport waiting for us."

"I hear ya."

((pause)) "Yea...so I'm just going to, you know, strap her on my back and flap my arms until I reach Scranton."

"Sounds...good."

"Okay, what the hell man?! You haven't been listening to me this whole time!"

"I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my mind, but I swear I'll be back to normal Jim by Christmas morning. So you were saying something about being a big baby about getting on a plane, right? Sucking your thumb and wetting yourself?"

"First of all, my bedwetting has nothing to do with planes-"

"Nice-"

"-And, we've got a little more time until we leave for the airport, so you're going to have to talk to me bro."

"Eh...no thanks. I think you're way too informed about my situation as is."

"So it has to do with Pam."

"It's Christmas and every year we do this Secret Santa thing and every year, I've been kind of hoping to get Pam. Well this year, I finally got her."

"If only that were true..."

"Shuddup. Anyway, I know I want to get her something special, but then I want it to be meaningful and I want her to just...understand, ya know?"

"So you want to buy her a puppy or something?"

"No...I just...I need for it to be important to her but not so in her face where I freak her out. I'm literally racking my brain because she likes so many cool things, I just don't know."

"Well, what's your first idea?"

"Art supplies."

"Well from what you told me, she does like to draw."

"Yeah, but...I gave her art supplies for her birthday."

"Art supplies are expensive. And Jim, you got her those expensive little charcoal thingies, right?"

"Yeah it just seems redundant, ya know?"

"Hmmm...why don't you Google ‘what to get someone you're in love with but they don't know it, but you want to make them happy'? Maybe Amazon even has a special section dedicated to just that."

"God, as soon as you walk off that plane I might just punch you in the face."

"That would be funny. And it will never happen."

"It just can't be something anyone else can give her."

"Well Christmas is the time to say how you really feel. Whatever you give her, will probably be better than anything that lump of a fiancé will give her. He'll probably give her something special like...a sweater, or...a magazine subscription."

"I gave you a magazine subscription one year. What's that supposed to mean?"

"But that was a subscription to Maxim. That's something I can appreciate. Who wouldn't love that? You know what she'd find hilarious? Your yearbook picture would be funny. I know I'd laugh."

((Silence))

"Jim? Hey man, I know you're sensitive about your yearbook picture but-"

"I got it!"

"Okkkayyyy..."

"She mentioned once she likes to make tea at her desk. Because sometimes Creed's in the kitchen and...well let's just say he likes coffee so fresh it isn't even brewed yet-"

"What the-?"

"She remembered her grandmother had this tea kettle, and...anyway, I think I can find one of those little tea pots somewhere. And, like, put in little extras like my yearbook photo and stuff that we've done together...as friends."

"Wow. You keep stuff you guys have done together? Like ticket stubs and what not? Do you scrapbook also?"

"Whatever. I'm heading out to do some gift shopping.  I'll see you at the airport, okay? See you in like...10 hours."

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to just get away for awhile? Like....just not be in Scranton?"

"((sigh)) What would that...solve? If running away were the answer, I'd have jumped over the side of that boat. I didn't even need Michael to tell me it was sinking. I was fucking sinking...I can't leave. It wouldn't solve anything."

"You wouldn't be so damn depressed for one. You wouldn't have to worry about watching her plan her wedding to that asshole..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Jim. I mean come on."

"I mean, I was right there, Jon. I was...I was looking at her face, it was right there. Roy was being an asshole and it was the perfect moment to just...say it. And what's even crazier, is that I think she wanted me to say something, but she got scared-"

"That's the thing, she's always scared. You deserve more than that."

"I know. But I want it from her. I mean, I dumped Katy...for real for god sakes. I can't even think about anyone else. I just...I can't..."

"You can come here anytime. Maybe that will help you get your mind off of all of this."

"It was right there on the tip of my fucking tongue, I wussed out. I totally blew it."

"Jim."

"I can't believe out of all the nights, this fucker decides to do it where I can't escape and I'm forced to watch and have my date try to make me give a fucking speech of all things...and he was drunk! And I'm all like ‘You've got to be kidding me, Pam' but I can't say anything because I let all of that slip through my fingers because I'm too busy trying to play safe all the time."

"Maybe...maybe you should give up. It's obviously not-"

"Never give up."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Michael said to never get up if she's what I really want."

"Michael? The dude who we theorize ate paste as a kid? Let's not take life lessons from him, Jim."

"I can't give up on this. I just...can't. Not yet. She has to...she just....has to."

"((Sigh)) Jim? Just be careful man. I can see you getting hurt. And I don't like it."

"I can see it too, and I don't like it either."

"Oh god."

"I know, but I diffused the situation. I think."

"You told her you were gay or something?"

"Not funny. I told her I used to have a crush on her, when we first met. But that I'm over it now."

"Um....why? Why would you NOT tell her you were like...in love with her?"

"I...I didn't want to freak her out, and to hear it from Michael-"

"Dude, she's blind isn't she? She can't see, or wears an eye patch or something. She's got to. I mean, Jim... you wear your damn heart on your sleeve like a Boy Scout badge, how could NOT see that, or even believe it was over?"

"Nope, pretty sure there's no eye patch."

"Why didn't you just tell her the truth?"

"I can't. She's engaged."

"She's always been engaged."

"I can't...I don't know how."

"You walk up to her and kiss her. No talking. No...words. Just walk right up to her, get her in your arms and kiss her."

"That's kinda...pushy."

"Well don't accost her or anything. If she pushes you away with disgust you'll know for sure she's not into you. Hey....I should get that book for you. He's Just Not That Into You. Wonder if they have a book for dudes though?"

"Whatever."

"No seriously bro, you have to make a move at some point. This is consuming you to the point where I'm starting to believe you like pain."

"Again I say whatever."

"Either kiss her or walk away, Jim. You have got to lay it all on the line. Friendship be damned because honestly, you're past that now. You're in way more than that."

"I know."

"At least you got to go to Hooters as a consolation prize. Boobs and beers."

"Okay, that's just ridiculous."

"Eggs and Legs."

"Seriously..."

"Cold cuts and big bu-"

"Good bye."

"I...I just...it feels right. I just feel it. I feel...wait, what if she says no?!"

"Um...she's not going to say no."

"But she could. She could say no, or walk away or..."

"Okay! STOP! A.) why would she when she's totally in love with you? And B.) Shut up."

"It's a valid question! She could say no."

"Yeah but why are you being so pessimistic? She's put up with you this long-"

"I can do this."

"You sound like Bob the Builder."

"Who?"

"A cartoon...never mind, when you have kids, you'll know who I'm talking about."

"Kids. Wow! Dude, I might have kids one day!"

"Yes, you too can reproduce."

"Wait, you don't have kids. How do you know-?"

"Sasha, babysitting. And sometimes, I might...watch Nickelodeon when I'm bored."

"Sad. That's so incredibly sad. If you were still dating Katy-"

"Butttt...I'm not. So let's go back to you. Want to know the truth? I'm shocked about all this; I thought you'd die a bachelor."

"Can you not do that? Make jokes? I mean...I'm like...hyperventilating over here."

"Okay, calm down. Breathe Jon. You can do this. Remember when you told me you could eat a whole can of Spam in like three minutes?-"

"What does that have to do with anything?'

"Just listen. Sure you got sick, but you ate it!  If you can do that, you can do this."

"Wow...you really suck at motivational speeches."

"I do what I can do when I can do it."

"What does that even mean? Ya know what, don't even explain. So, I have a big ass diamond ring in my pocket, I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me....soon...I think...maybe. Wow...I can't."

"Okay, seriously you're pissing me off. Get a hold of yourself. Lorraine will say yes. Look I swear, man, take this opportunity. Finding that kind of love doesn't happen everyday. You've got to grab it and dude; if you let this one get away I will kick your gangly ass myself." ((deeply exhales))

"Um...you're very violent today. Yeah...so...What's up with you?"

"Uh uh. Your issues have me beat today. I want to focus on that paycheck and a half you must have spent when you went in on that ring."

"I feel the need to dry heave."

"That's like the down payment on a car. My god, Jon, you're going to get married."

"Jesus..."

"No seriously bro I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Jim. I'm glad to hear you say that."

"Well, I mean, I like Lorraine. Mom likes her, hell, even Lisa, who doesn't like anyone you ever date. She's a keeper. She loves you and you're not the easiest person to love. I think she should be sainted."

"You are a very mean person."

"I call it like I see it. So how are you going to do it? Scroll it across a jumbotron? Propose on the Eifel Tower, because women love that..."

"I don't want to be too cliché, ya know? Like, I want it to be something that blows her mind. I don't know. I...let's talk about something else before my head explodes. How's work?"

"Noppppe. You're trying to trap me. I'm not going to talk about me."

"I don't know why you fight it. You always end up talkin'. I'll just sit here and ask you questions until you do."

"I hate you."

"So what happened?"

"I think I might have pushed Pam too far today."

"You told her you were in love with her?"

"No..."

"You told her her fiancé sucks donkey balls?"

"((pause))Nope. I don't think I said all that. But close enough."

"Okay then what?"

"Today Jan wanted to have a talk with the ladies of the office. Michael didn't like that at all, because he isn't a woman and I guess he felt discriminated against. So he got all of the guys to go down into the warehouse and work."

"So you were down there with Roy?"

"Yeah. And he...he actually approached me about my crush on Pam."

"Oh my god! Are you okay? Obviously you kicked his ass because you're sitting here talking to me on the phone-"

"He didn't fight me. Not saying I could take his ass but I would have gotten a lick or two in-"

"We've fought before. Trust me; you would have gone down like chopped tree."

"Screw you. He said he was okay with it, because it was along time ago and Pam needed a friend because...basically he said he wasn't interested in listening to her feelings."

"Every time you tell me something about this guy, I can totally see why women swoon..."

"Yeah...well anyway, while I was praying not to get my ass kicked, our boss Jan found out Pam was really good at art and offered her an opportunity to go into some internship or something with Dunder-Mifflin. Pam was all excited when I came upstairs, you should have seen the look on her face. It was like...I've never seen her so excited, other than when we prank or something."

"So is she going to take it?"

"No. Because Roy convinced her to give up on it. And frankly, that just pissed me off. How many opportunities has he pissed away because he's holding her back? How many times has she stopped herself from trying something different because his big ass can't accept change? I just, when she told me she was taking it, or when I saw that written all over her face...I just...snapped. I mean, why can't he see he's hindering her?"

"I get you're frustrated little brother, but may I say something?"

"Sure..."

"Yes, this Roy guy isn't the one stopping Pam from doing better. Sure he's a catalyst. Sure he's probably a reason. But Pam's in control of what she wants and it's her decision to go for it or ignore it in favor of Roy."

((pause)) "I hate when you're right..."

"Well...that means you're hating about 98 percent of the time..."

"She should want more. She should want to be more than just-"

"Maybe...you just have to keep trying to show her she can have more."

"I did a really bad thing..."

"Are there hookers involved?"

"Um...not today..."

"Will you go to prison for it?"

"No."

"Then okay...what's wrong?"

"I kind of complained about Pam planning her wedding at work. To HR."

"Dude...what-?"

"I know! I know! I just...I can't sit there and listen to her bargain away whether or not she can feed 150 people or 130. Or try to figure out if she can budget if she gets a smaller bouquet. Or the difference between renting a tuxedo or buying one."

"How much do you think is too much for a tuxedo?"

"FOCUS."

"Sorry..."

"I just needed to rant so I just went to Toby and started going off and I couldn't stop. I mean, seriously do you understand how hard it is for me to sit there and listen to her talk about her gown or to listen to her talk about bridesmaid dresses day in and day out? It feels like someone is kicking me in the chest every time I hear another thing about that damn wedding! It's...it's driving me insane."

"Take a deep breath, Jim."

"Jon, she's really going to marry him."

"I...know."

"I can't stay here."

"Jim-"

"I can't...watch her do this."

"Do you need me to come down? Do you want to come up here? You're unraveling and this isn't good."

"I know. I have to...I need to take a vacation."

"That sounds like a good idea. Get some time away, think about what you want to do-"

"Far away from Scranton, and weddings, and Pam..."

"Yeah. You know what? Vegas. Vegas is good."

"No. Farther..."

"California?"

"Farther."

"What the hell, Jim? The moon?"

"Australia. Remember Mom and Dad went before we were born? And they had all these pictures, and they went backpacking and-"

"Whoa...okay I get you needing a vacation. But Australia? Jim that's kind of frigging far."

"Exactly. Another time zone."

"Another hemisphere...Or why not Antarctica? Is that far enough? Seriously Jim..."

"I.need.this."

((sigh)) "I know..."

"Still going to Australia?"

"Yep, just booked my hotel."

"That's...what you're doing... is crazy."

"You're crazy. Hey maybe if I like it, you and Lorraine can go there for your honeymoon?"

"Maybe...so...how was your date?"

"Eh..."

"Sounds promising."

"I mean, she's nice, I just don't think she's my type."

"So her name's not Pam Beesley."

"Such a fucking comedian..."

"Ouch...someone's being catty today. So look, I scored some tickets to this game Saturday. Want to go?"

"Sure, you're buying me dinner right?"

"You gonna put out?"

"Mom raised a winner with you, Jon."

"Broke the mold. Lorraine is sending you out an invite to the engagement party. You think you could possibly muster enough of your sarcastic wit to not look like a dejected balless love sick puppy and come meet some of her hot friends?"

"Hot by whose standards?"

"Stung again by the second born Halpert son."

"Well Mom and Dad didn't get the first time quite right, so they had to try again."

"Oh...I'm so going to body slam your ass when you come up here...Punch you right in the prostate."

"Oh yeah, I needed to tell you, one of my co workers had, like, a cancer scare. It freaked me out; we spent all day worrying about his results."

"Who was it? Because Dwight can't get cancer. Cancer is for the weak."

"Kevin."

"Fantasy football Kev? Is he going to be alright?"

"Yeah, it turned out negative but he needs to take some more tests. I think it's going to be all good though."

"Good...I hope he's alright, he's helped me win a lot of money with his draft picks."

"Kev's a cool guy. We all tried to rally around him to make him feel better...everyone but Michael, who was upset because everyone was ignoring him on his birthday."

"God...not this year too! The man is like in his forties!"

"He was an only child...I guess it's a big deal to him. On a positive note, Dwight put Michael's head through the ceiling, literally..."

"I don't want to know."

"Pam and I went to the store and got him some store brand imposter cologne. The smile on his face...priceless."

"So you and Pam...are okay now?"

"We have our moments. Some days, being friends is okay enough for me."

"Other days?"

"I want to fucking rip my hair out."

((pause)) "Can you bring me back a Koala bear? A real one? Lorraine won't let me get a dog."

"Yeah, sure, I'll just shove that in a bag next to the platypus and kangaroo I'm going to bring back."

"A dingo ate your bay-bay."

"Stop..."

"No seriously...I really want a Koala bear."

"Jim, you seriously believe that the Eagles will-"

"Ya know, I don't know why we are discussing this. Last time we talked the Eagles, it ended in a wrestling match, we broke mom's lamp. This will not end well. So end of discussion."

"Fine, whatever, wuss...look, Lorraine wants me to tell you, the colors are going to be green and black."

"Are you serious? Green is not...your color. Oh and tell Lorraine I said hi."

"I happen to look very good in green. Hold on Jim, she just walked in....honey, he's totally bashing your choices. I know, I'm on the phone with him and I'm all excited about the green and the black and Jim's on here bashing our beautiful wedding. ((Lorraine chattering in the background)) Dude, she's totally ragging you out. Heehee."

"My god, you are whipped. And a horrible liar. I hope she realizes these things about you."

"It is your duty as the best man, to be involved with the stuff the groom has to do."

"So...in other words, just make sure you show up relatively sober on your wedding day. I've already planned your bachelor party."

"If I were to guess, it will not include naked women, or half naked women, or anything remotely sexy?"

"You ruined the surprise. Thanks alot Jon."

"I'm going to need you focused. Because I'm losing my mind over here with all this stuff. I think I've developed asthma or something. I think I need Xanax. Seriously. I'm hallucinating, dreaming about huge towering wedding cakes-"

"Want to hear something funny?"

"From you? That would be a miracle..."

"Shutup. Anyway,since we're talking about drugs and hallucinations. Dwight found a doobie in the parking lot. He devoted his whole day to finding the dastardly culprit. Wore his little volunteer uniform and everything."

"I have got to meet this guy...before I die, I want to meet Dwight Schrute."

"Well, you missed the end of an era, he resigned from his volunteer sheriff's deputy post after Michael forced him to give him a urine sample because Michael may or may not have smoked some illegal substance at an Alicia Keys concert. Jury's still out on that one. My bet, no one would ever want to offer Michael anything mind altering."

"Did you smoke it?"

"Come on-"

"I know Mark lights up every now and then. I can see it in his beady vacant eyes."

"No. Probably someone in the warehouse. Pam took full responsibility for it, saying her pimp made her do it, it through Dwight off a bit but..."

"Pam. So you're doing okay with the friendship now?"

"Yeah...no...yeah, I mean...she's Pam. Ya know. She's like my...best friend-"

"-Best Friend. Yeah I know."

"((heavy sigh)) Ya know, Pam would call that a jinx. What we just did."

"You've become a 3rd grade girl. I'm calling mom."

"Shutup. I mean, its a fun game. I spent all of today playing it with Pam. Not being able to say anything until I bought her a coke."

"Well...you should be a pro at...not saying anything."

"Yeah...um...she, ha...she actually went out and got me a coke to buy to give her, because she said she wanted to know exactly why Dwight was carrying around a cup of urine."

"Jim, my boy, I don't think you can ever come up with sufficient enough reasons for that..."

"You've reached Jon's voicemail. I'm currently weed wacking through the jungle. If you leave your name, number, and a detailed, albeit short message...I will get back to you. Ohhhh eeeeee Ahhhhh!" ((BEEP))

"Hey Jon, it's me...Mom. You seriously need to consider changing your voicemail greeting. You're about to be a married man, those animals noises at the end are so immature, especially since it's been like three years of it. You've been raised so much better than this, seriously. I've been calling Jim all day, apparently he had an interview in the city, and his cell phone is out of range or something. Have you heard from him? You boys never call when you say you will...it's disturbing you know. Your sister calls me all the time. Anyway, I know you and Jim talk, and he's been so melancholy lately, I just want to know how this job thing went, because maybe a change will do him some good. I hope he got a decent haircut for it----((Beeeppppp))"

"You're reached Jon's voicemail. I'm unable to take your call, so leave a mesage." ((BEEP))

"It's Jim. So...Mom guilted you into changing your voicemail. So weak. I've got something I want to talk to you about...later. I'm heading to this casino night thing at work. I'll hit you up tomorrow. I miss the jungle noises."

"You're reached Jon's voicemail. I'm unable to take your call, so leave a mesage." ((BEEP))

"Wait, there's no animal noises...Anyway, it's your loving fiance, saying, this is crazy, Jon. You're over six feet, Jim's over six feet, all your cousins are over six feet and now we have to make sure my bridesmaids won't look like hobbits standing next to giants. Oh, and the vests came in. They are mint. MINT. Let me guess, you lost the swatch I gave you didn't you? And you just picked any kind of green. I love you, I want to marry you but...anyway Jim called. Call him back. Mint green my ass... love you."

"Jim?"

"Hey ((sniff))...um...sorry to uh...call you so late..."

"What's wrong? It's 3 am. Why do you sound-?"

"I...uh, I told her."

"Jim?"

"I ((heavy sigh)) told her everything. I told her...I told her and then I kissed her."

"Wait...you told who what? Pam? You told Pam you loved her?!"

"Yeah."

"Oh god. You kissed her too? Well Jim, I mean congra-"

"She's still going to marry him, Jon. She kissed me back, looked me in the eye and nodded when I asked was she still going to marry him."

"Jesus."

"((bitter laugh)) I kinda think its too late for even him to intervene..."

"Are you...you don't sound okay."

"((gruff voice)) I just lost everything. I lost my best friend, I lost my dignity. I lost my mind thinking she felt it too because you know, the signs were all there. I just...misread them. What do I do now?"

"You can come here, or I can come get you. Or-"

"She kissed me back."

"Yeah...look-"

"You were right, Jon. You were right about me living in some stupid fairy tale with her-"

"No, no I wasn't Jim-"

"I should have listened and gotten over her. She made her choices and now-- and now I've got to make mine. Ha, it's funny because I wasn't even going to do this tonight! I wasn't going to tell her some damn parking lot, two minutes after Roy drove away...again. I was just going to tell her, I got the job in Stamford-"

"You did?! Dude, that's great."

"Is it? I can't even remember what great feels like anymore."

"Jim-"

"I was honest with her, and I guess I was expecting her to be honest with me. Or maybe she was honest and the last few years have been this imaginary bullshit I made up in my own fucked up head. Maybe every look, every prank, everytime I thought she might ((sniff)) ...it was a lie. It was my own imagination making up stuff. Maybe she's right and I misinter-"

"You didn't misinterpret shit. Because she did kiss you before, drunk or not. She did prank with you. She did complain about Roy to you. And I know you Jim, you might not have said anything but I know you and you wear your heart on your sleeve and unless she's blind, deaf, and dumb, she had to see it. So...if she still chooses to be with this Roy asshole, that's on her. She's missing out..."

"Jon...I just ((deep breath))...where do I go from here?"

"You...you go to Stamford, Jim. You go to Stamford."

"I'm sorry...I wasn't aware you had biceps. I mean, seeing as how you didn't use them when we were trying to move my mattress into the apartment."

"You know, this is weird. The fact that you won't be like a quick drive to Philly."

"It is weird. But...I...thank you. Thank you for helping me move."

"That's what big brothers are for. Well that and to give noogies."

"I really appreciate this."

"You gonna be alright?"

"I'm going to be...fine."

"Uh...I wish I could say something, something that could make this better-"

"Jon, that isn't your job. And it's no reason to make it better. I've got a new job, a better paying one, in a different state. I'm moving on up. To the eastside."

"You better not finish that song. Have you been drinking?"

"Ha. No. Not today. I still have alot of boxes to unpack. I'm glad you came and helped me move in. And Lorraine. The potted plant was a nice touch."

"It'll be dead by next week. I bet her $10 you'll kill it by next week."

"I'll have you know Mark and I kept a cactus alive for three months."

"It was a cactus, Jim."

"Still in the plant family. So it counts for something."

"Very true. So hey...any luck on refunding that Australia ticket?"

"Nope. I think I've got to just take the loss."

"Dude, that's alot of money."

"Don't I know it? My bank account is screaming in pain right now."

"Seeing as you're not rolling in dough, I have to ask. Why didn't you just...go?"

"You know why...I mean, what was I gonna while I was there? Same thing I did here. Mope. Drink. Call you. Mope some more. Which was-"

"Pathetic? Sad? Depressing? Did I already say pathetic?"

"(sigh) Yeah, ya did. I just...it was a bad day."

"Has she called you?"

"No. Not...yet. I mean, I mean I've heard from Kevin, and Oscar, and I got three emails and a text from Kelly. But not...not her. It's like, she finally got rid of Roy but hey...she doesn't want me either."

"Jim. Let's not focus on that. Ya know. You've got a great apartment-"

"Yeah-"

"-You've got a bright future now. New city. Some sexy women in your building."

"You sir, are engaged."

"God, I know. And she's awesome. I didn't say I wanted to date them! But seriously, that one girl on the elevator was totally checking you out."

"Didn't notice..."

"She was hot. I mean, totally hot. And she looked like she might be a little freaky too."

"Ha...okay. If you say so."

"Fine. Be that way. You're never going to meet chicks being all stoic and moody. Hey, I gotta go soak my sore muscles in some epson salt-"

"That one ab you have must really hurt."

"-And I hate you. Call me in the morning little brother. Make sure we didn't break anything."

"Gotcha."

"And Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"It'll be okay."

"Hey, so let me know when this whole conference thing is over and we can go get a drink because I haven't seen my bro in like..."

"A month?"

"Yeah.  My brother, top new sales person, going to conventions and shit...about paper. And stuff. I mean you're checked in and everything right?"

"Yep. I um...I promised Michael I would come to his room though, for a party or something. It'll probably be just him...sitting in his room with alcohol, alone. I mean, you know what, why don't you come down and-"

"No."

"Jon, he's harmless."

"Um...no. You told me all I need to know about that guy-"

"Okay okay...I just...hey, I have to call you back. I've got to get Dwight's room key."

"What?!"

"Dwight. I have to get his room key."

"Why are you-? Jim...dude."

"He asked for it. Trust me. I tried to stop and you know I did! After the gaydar, I really tried to stop but...he's really cocky since I've left."

"You still owe me for that gaydar thing."

"I know."

"So...did...um, Pam come along?"

"Jon..."

"Sorry."

"Okay I'll call you back later."

"Jim, I'm sorry-"

"Bye Jon. I'll call you about that drink."

"Dude-"

((click))

"How can you not know how to play Call of Duty? Have I taught you nothing?"

"No, not at that level of skill you didn't. I mean these guys are serious. And Karen's like-"

"Karen? Wait? Who...who's Karen?"

"Karen's the one who sits behind me. The one who hated me the first day...come on I told you all of this."

"No. You told me about the weird guy Andy who needs to be tazed. The one that kicked the trashcan. You did not tell me about Karen. I'd love to hear all about her. Hot?"

"Jon...seriously. I don't...okay, maybe she's hot. She's...definitely hot. But...no. No more office romances. I'm done with that."

"God, you're such.a.girl!"

"No, I mean look at how well it turned out for me last time?"

"That was...this could be different. She's not Pam."

"Yeah...she's...not Pam."

"She's Karen. Hot Karen."

"You've never seen her."

"Don't have to. I can tell. She's hot."

"You can tell?"

"I can tell."

"Well...since you have this uncanny ability can you perhaps tell me how to um...get to a higher level on this game?"

"Cheat?"

"I can't. Andy threatened to kill me...for real, if I lose this game."

"Sounds rough."

"You are worthless. Utterly worthless..."

"I just gave you the best advice of your life. Get with this Karen girl."

"Maybe I can look up codes on the internet? For the game?"

"-So Lorraine's cousin is all like 'I don't want to wear that dress...' and Lorraine's flipping out and threatening to cut her out of the wedding, which means I will have to cut Alex out, and I don't care, because seriously Alex will probably be drunk off his ass anyway-"

"Doesn't he owe you money from that Eagles game anyway?"

"He does! Thank you! Even more of a reason to cut him out. Damn...thank you for reminding me."

"I do what I can."

"Hey...so I think I convinced Lorraine to invite some of her single lady friends from work-"

"Okay...goodbye."

"No! Wait, Jim...listen! Don't hang up. I mean, this could work...this could be good."

"Or bad. No. Don't do it."

"Why not? You're a relatively alright looking guy. You're turning into this monk because one girl couldn't get her shit together. I don't think you should cheat yourself out of being happy. Being single and young-"

"I'm not a monk. Jesus, Jon. I'll have you know, I've been flirting-"

"Flirting. That's really cute. I flirted too...in tenth grade."

"No...I mean like, okay, for instance, Karen-"

"Hot Karen?"

"Yeah, that Karen. Last week...we spent the entire day together, calling all over for a bag of chips she likes. I think...I think she thought I was kind of cool for doing that."

"You are...wow. I don't know what mom did, or whatever, but she really got that sensitve guy thing into you as a kid."

"You do it too."

"I do...I just don't like to admit it out loud."

"And we did a little flirting the other day too...because she stole my chair and I stole it back and we spent the whole day trying to steal each other's chair."

"You...do this. With adult women?"

"Yeah. It works though. She...trust me, she hated me at first, but I think she kind of likes me."

"Well...let's go with that."

"Dude, I know I can get a date. I'm just...not ready right now."

"Okay."

"So stop with the whole *setting up Jim* stuff. I can do it myself."

"Okay...but can you do it quickly? I mean you haven't heard from Pam in mon-"

"I heard from her, last night. I talked to her for a few hours, actually."

"What?! What did she say?"

"She has a new apartment. She's living alone, not with Roy anymore. She's doing pretty good for herself, actually."

"And??! God, you two are going to kill me with this passive aggressive crap. What did she *say*?"

"She didn't say anything else. It was...it was a nice friendly conversation."

"Jesus. I hate this."

"Me too. So...like I said. I'm not...I know now."

"And yet...I can still hear it. You still love her."

"I can't just cut it off. Love isn't a faucet or a light. It would be really cool if it were though. It would be...so much easier."

"I know."

"I'm not going. I'll just...I'll hit the pavement...and get a job here. And...or I'll take the severance and just...((sigh)) jesus. Oh.my.god."

"Take a deep breath."

"I can't...I mean, seriously. Who did I piss off? Did I do something to deserve this? Is this like karma for something? A curse or voodoo doll or something?"

"Maybe it's just...fate?"

"Fate...is a bitch."

"True."

"Ughhh...I...can't go back there."

"Yeah, you can. You can do this. You can. You're stronger. And you've over it and you're-"

"Completely going to fall apart the moment I see her."

"Yeah. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll go back and not feel anything. I mean...you know there's life after Pam. You've been flirting with that Karen, maybe it'll turn to something good. Like...maybe you can see that someone like Karen who's into you means something more than someone like Pam who's..."

"Yeah, maybe."

"It'll be okay."

"It'll be alright."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"((sigh)) Yeah..."

"Hey...I'm on my way to meet Karen, because if anything....she deserves a drink after today."

"It was that bad?"

"Imagine, someone deshorting you in front of your whole gym class in high school. And then...take that feeling and mix it with that dream of being naked on the first day of school...and then....take that and multiply it times infinity. And you might just feel a faction of embarrassment that Michael made people feel today."

"My god! What-?"

"It's not the *what*, Jon. It's the *why*."

"And there is no explanation for the why. Because this Michael guy is obviously insane. So...um... you and Karen. For a drink? Is anything in Scranton even still open?"

"Um...yeah. Well you know...we went on that date right before we left Stamord and it was nice."

"It was, huh?"

"Yeah, she's really cool. She's well traveled. She speaks Italian and French."

"God...that sounds...wow."

"Yea, so...ya know. I'll leave that to your dirty imagination."

"I'm just waiting. I'm very patient."

"For what?"

"For you to say something."

"Jon."

"Jim."

"Okay, yeah I saw her. I mean, it's, ah, kind of hard not to, she sits at reception."

"And?"

"She said hi. I said hi. That's it. She...um...she looked great. She was happy to see me."

"How happy?"

"I don't know, didn't talk to her much. Day was kind of busy. Michael tried to incite a riot by flattening all of our tires. Half of the Stamford people quit. It was a busy day so I wasn't like...able to do the whole reunion thing, ya know? She...asked me to coffee but...I...said no."

"Wow. Big step."

"I think so. In the right direction. We're...friends. We'll *always* be friends."

"You sound so sure of that. That's a good thing."

"Definitely."

"Yeah. Well have fun with Karen."

"I'll try."

"She what?"

"She's moving down the street from me."

"What? Why?"

"Because...it's not a big deal. It's okay. I mean, it's not like she's moving in. My apartment. Really...I'm being ridiculous, it's like ten minutes away."

"That's kind of close. That's basically like moving in."

"I said that too, but...Pa- someone convinced me I was being stupid about the whole thing, so..."

"Wait. Back up. Pam. You said Pam. You talked to Pam about Karen. Moving down the street from you. You told this...to Pam."

"I told this to Pam. It's no big deal. She knows I'm dating Karen. Mostly everyone knows...unfortunately. But yeah, she saw I was stressed out and she helped me. That's what friends do."

"Right. Friends."

"Shut.Up."

"It's just weird. To have the girl you were like in love with, talk to you about the girl you're in like with now."

"Yeah. It's weird."

"It's really weird."

"I get it...you can...shutup. It's not as weird as Michael and Jan sleeping together in Sandals Jamaica."

"Jan? Your boss boss? Seriously? Why?"

"I have no idea."

"But...why?"

"Haha, I don't know. It's....so...that's why the Scranton Branch is never boring."

"That's why HR has you sign the love contracts."

"That is exactly why."

"You people are weird."

"Yeah...we are. We're Lazy Scranton."