INT: Office.

A new girl walks in the office and cautiously walks up to Jim.

NATALIE
Um… Hi.

JIM
Hi!

Dwight immediately stands up.

DWIGHT
Who are you? What are you doing here? Do you have clearance?

NATALIE
Um, hi, I’m Natalie, I’m the new receptionist.

JIM
Oh, hey!

DWIGHT
You are a very tiny person. Are you a midget?

NATALIE (After a brief pause)
No.

NATALIE TALKING HEAD
I’m 4’11”. To be considered a legal midget, you have to be 4’10”. Trust me, I tried to get handicap parking.

NATALIE
Um, is Michael here?

JIM
Nope, but he’s very rarely here on time, so- I can show you around, if you want?

NATALIE
Ok. Sure-

We hear the office door open and Michael walks in carrying a 6-pack of Red Bull, looking obviously disheveled.

JIM
Michael. Good morning.

MICHAEL
Just shut it.

He quickly walks into his office, shutting the door. Natalie and Jim share an amused look.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
He’s not wearing a tie, and his hair looks more like Jim’s shag than his usual business haircut.
UGHH... As you know, my former lover, Jan, is with child. Not by me, but with the help of... a sperm of… a man… and I have taken it upon myself to help my dearly beloved-ed through this… amazing journey of being pregnant. Jan has decided it would be best if she moved back into my condo, so that I can be there to rub her feet, and run to the store to get pickles and Rocky Road ice cream at three in the morning. You know, I just want to help out in anyway that I can. Like last night, Jan couldn’t sleep so I asked if I could get her anything, and she said she wanted a cheeseburger. So I went and got her a cheeseburger, but the mayonnaise on the burger made her throw up. So I took it back and exchanged it for a cheeseburger without mayo, and then she realized that it wasn’t the mayonnaise that made her throw up, it was the cheese. So I went back and asked for just a regular hamburger, and when I got back, Jan was already asleep, so I ate the hamburger and it gave me diarrhea. You know, it’s just… hormones. They do crazy things.

OPENING CREDITS

INT- Michael’s Office

Natalie is sitting in Michael’s office. Michael walks in and sits at his desk with a mug of coffee. He opens a Red Bull and pours it in the coffee. Natalie makes a face.

NATALIE
Long night?

MICHAEL
I had diarrhea.

NATALIE
Wow. Rough. You know, you probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee if you have diarrhea. It’s a natural laxative.

MICHAEL
It’s not to make me relax, it’s to wake me up. Besides, I don’t like the taste of Red Bull. Too sweet.

NATALIE
Oh. So you… use it to sweeten your coffee?

MICHAEL
Yuppers. Besides, it has the same stuff that blue sugar does… what is it (looks at the label) assper… asspark… ass-part?

NATALIE
Aspartame?

MICHAEL
Yesh. (He takes a sip and makes a face.) Too hot. Anyway, so… Natalie… Natalie Portman, right?

NATALIE
Paladino. No relation. To… Portman.

MICHAEL
Oh. Is… is that… Egyptian, or?

NATALIE
Italian, actually.

MICHAEL
Oh. Donde esta la biblioteca?

NATALIE
That’s… Spanish.

MICHAEL
Same thing.

NATALIE
It’s not-

MICHAEL
You know, we actually have someone who speaks Spanish that works here- Oscar Martinez.

NATALIE
Well, I don’t speak Spanish.

MICHAEL
Oh. Well he’s gay. And he likes men, so see? You still have something in common.

NATALIE
Oh. Good.

NATALIE TH:
Michael asked me my sexual preference in my interview. Which I thought was kind of creepy… but it was either working here or at an animal shelter, where I’d just be… shoveling poop all day. (pause) The animal shelter turned me down. And I really need the money… so… yeah.

INT- Office, Angela’s desk.

Phyllis walks up.

PHYLLIS
Hello Angela.

ANGELA
Hello Phyllis. You look… nice today. (It’s obviously a forced compliment.)

PHYLLIS
Thank you, Angela. Michael would like us to plan a party for the new receptionist. Make her feel welcome.

ANGELA
Oh. Yes, I can do that.

PHYLLIS
Actually, I’ve already taken care of most of it. I just need you to grab a couple of things that are on this list. (She hands her a piece of paper.)

ANGELA (glances at the list)
Garlic bread, ice, cups… an Italian flag? What does he need an Italian flag for? Where would I even find one?

PHYLLIS
He said it’s important to celebrate her culture.

ANGELA
Italy wine? A cake shaped like the collousum?

PHYLLIS
I think that’s Colosseum.

ANGELA
The Sopranos season 1 on DVD?

PHYLLIS
Yes, to play during the party.

ANGELA
This is ridiculous. I’m not doing it. (She hands the paper back to Phyllis.)

PHYLLIS
Oh ok. Maybe I’ll just have Andy-

ANGELA (rips the paper from Phyllis’s hand)
Consider it done. Thank you, Phyllis. I will find you if I have any other questions.

Phyllis smiles and walks away.

ANGELA TH:
Personally, I think The Sopranos is dirty, filthy trash. The people from New Jersey are disgusting. It smells there. But if it’s important for Michael to have it for the party, than so be it. (Pause as she starts to cry.) I’m sorry, it’s just… Jesus wouldn’t approve.

INT- Receptionist’s desk. Kevin approaches.

KEVIN
Hola.

NATALIE
Um, hi.

KEVIN (slowly)
Me llamo is Kevin.

NATALIE
Hi, Kevin.

KEVIN
What is… your me llamo?

NATALIE
My name is Natalie. And I’m not Hispanic, so I don’t speak Spanish.

KEVIN
You’re not? But you look just like Oscar. You both have dark skin and black hair.

NATALIE
No. My parents are Italian.

KEVIN
Italian… Are you in the mafia?

NATALIE
No.

KEVIN
Because Scarface is one of my favorite movies.

NATALIE
Um… Tony Montana was Cuban.

KEVIN
I’m pretty sure he was mafia.

NATALIE
…Ok.

KEVIN
Have you ever… (chuckles) whacked someone?

NATALIE
No.

KEVIN TH:
The new girl, Natalie, is in the Italian Mafia. She's also really, really hot. (Pause.)I wonder if she’s here to kill us.

INT- Kitchen. Kevin and Dwight are talking.

KEVIN
The new girl Natalie? (Checks to make sure no one is looking before whispering.) She’s mafia.

DWIGHT
Are you sure? Where did you get this information? How reliable are you sources?

DWIGHT TH:
I’m not surprised that Natalie is in the mafia. Her last name is Italian, and Italy is the birthplace of organized crime. They also have good gelato.

INT- kitchen with Kevin and Dwight

DWIGHT
Ok. Here’s what I need you to do. Find out what Family she’s associated with. (Kevin nods.) The Scarfo crime family in Philadelphia is one of the most powerful crime families in the American Mafia. Fine out if there’s any relation.

KEVIN
But how do I find out?

DWIGHT
By any means necessary.

KEVIN
Should I assemble the five families?

DWIGHT
No. That's too dangerous. We do this on our own. Also, find out if she’s wearing a wig.

DWIGHT TH:
For all we know, “Natalie”, if that is her real name, could be a real-life Sydney Bristow. A covert assassin sent here by vile thug lords to start a mafia war. Why is she in Scranton? Probably because it’s the last place federal agents would think to look. Also, it’s the exact same distance between Philadelphia and New York City. You know, I was almost recruited by the CIA. Invading an underground crime ring may be just the thing I need for them to make me an asset.

DWIGHT
Kevin. You are officially considered my associate in this investigation. And if you prove yourself worthy enough, you will be sworn in as a full member.

KEVIN
Member of what?

DWIGHT
That will be determined. Now swear Omerta.

INT- Reception.

NATALIE
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie… Yes, just a moment.

Natalie goes to transfer the call, but is looking around confused.

NATALIE
Hey, Jim.

JIM
Yeah.

He walks over to her desk.

NATALIE
Which one is Oscar again? Michael gave me cheat sheet to help me remember everybody, and all he put for Oscar was “Mexican Ambassador to the Dunder Mifflinite people.”

JIM
Wow. Tough gig.

NATALIE
Also, which one is Toby? He just crossed his name out, and beside it he wrote, “Dead to me”.

JIM
Well what did he say about me?

NATALIE
Not bad to look at, smells like Men’s Vogue magazine.

JIM
Nice.

NATALIE
Oh, and he added built like a beanpole, spends most of his time playing online poker.

JIM
It really says that?

NATALIE
Sadly, I only added the last two things.

JIM
Ouch, you do not play around Paladino. Nice.

JIM TH:
Yeah, I think the new girl is going to fit in very well around here. She wasn't alarmed when Michael asked if she still shopped for clothes at Kids 'R Us, or if she rode her Lil' Tyke convertible car to work so, yeah, I think she'll be fine.


INT- Break room.

Natalie is buying something from the vending machines when Kelly walks in.

NATALIE
Hi. I’m Natalie, the new receptionist. (She holds out her hand for Kelly to shake.)

KELLY Talking Head:
Yeah, Natalie’s pretty. If you think dressing like a complete skank qualifies as being pretty.

INT- Break room.

We see Dwight spying on Natalie through the blinds. He quickly tries to duck out of view as she walks out of the break room. She’s wearing a regular button down shirt and pencil skirt, by the way.

NATALIE
Hey Dwight.

DWIGHT
Dammit!! (Whispers to himself.) She’s good.

INT- Kitchen.

Michael walks out of the bathroom with a sour look on his face. Oscar walks up.

MICHAEL
No. Don’t go in there.

OSCAR
What?

MICHAEL
Just… trust me, you do not want to go in there.

OSCAR
Why?

MICHAEL
I think Kevin was in there before me, and it just… man, it just reeks. It reeks bad. It’s super-duper reeky. It smells like… bad hamburger meat and Taster’s Choice. Ugh.

OSCAR
What?

MICHAEL
I tried to light a candle over it, but somehow it just made the smell even stronger. Man, it’s bad. I feel like the smell is stuck on my clothes. Do you smell anything?

OSCAR
No.

MICHAEL
Trust me, it’s there. Blech! God, Kevin. He’s so disgusting! His poop is probably the size of an elephant’s. I’m surprised it fits down that tiny little hole.

Oscar shakes his head and walks in anyway.

OSCAR Talking Head:
It was awful.

INT- Michael’s office

Michael is sitting with his head on the desk as he groans in pain. There’s a knock on the door.

MICHAEL
Go away.

DWIGHT
Michael! Michael, it’s an emergency.

MICHAEL
Ughhhhh… I know, toilet explosion in the bathroom, Oscar was in there when it happened, he told me all about it. (Dwight looks confused.) Dwight, Dwight, listen to me, I need you to go to the drug store and I need you to get me some Pepto Bismol.

DWIGHT
What? Why? What’s wrong? Was your coffee poisoned?

DWIGHT TH:
On an episode of Alias, Sydney Bristow was given a lipstick tracking device which the CIA would use to trace her whereabouts in case her mission was compromised. It’s not impossible for a woman’s make-up bag to contain similiar spy instruments. They can also contain serious lethal weapons of serious mass destruction. Like a taser disguised as an eyelash curler. You can usually find those at CVS. Or a bottle of perfume that’s really a vial of carbon monoxide. (He peeks through the blinds of the conference room and we see Natalie staring into a compact mirror.) For all we know, she could be the contacting the head godfather right now. What appears to be an ordinary mirror? BAM! Two-way radio transceiver used to make contact with the outside. Dammit! She probably has us all bugged. (He pulls the mic from his shirt pocket and stomps on it repeatedly.)

DWIGHT
Michael, I have to tell you something. Natalie isn’t a secretary. She’s a secretary IN DISGUISE.

MICHAEL
What?

DWIGHT
Natalie is in the mafia.

MICHAEL
No she’s not. That’s ridiculous.

DWIGHT
It’s true, Kevin told me.

MICHAEL
Well Kevin’s an idiot. Just the other day, he tried to tell me that Manhattan is an island. Stupid.

DWIGHT
It is an island-

MICHAEL
Just… shut it. What do you even know anyway?

DWIGHT
I know a lot about islands, I watch Lost.

MICHAEL
That show is stupid. You should watch a real show. That makes real sense. Like Grey’s Anatomy. That is a good show. No. You know what’s a good show? Gossip Girl. Man, the girls on that show are hot.

DWIGHT
You should probably throw out that coffee, it might have been poisoned. It might have anthrax in it.

MICHAEL
I do not have antrax, Dwight! Just, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. Go to the drug store, get my Pepto Bismol and come back. Wait, before you come back, pick me up some Wendy’s will ya? Small chili, frosty and fries.


INT- Office.
Dwight is on his way out the door when he overhears Natalie on the phone. He slows his walk to catch what she’s saying.

NATALIE
Well what does the Don say?... Yes, I have it all under control… Tell Corleone to hold the strike until I give the signal. It may not be until tomorrow… I’ll meet you tonight in Liberty City and we’ll go over the details… Don’t call me here, I’ll be in touch. (She hangs up.) Oh. Hello, Dwight.

DWIGHT
(To himself.) Dammit. (Loudly) Hello Natalie. I didn’t hear any part of your phone conversation. I’m just on my way to the drug store... for some legal drugs. Nothing illegal. But I will return soon.

NATALIE
Ok. Drive safe.

Dwight looks at her in alarm. She just smiles at him.

NATALIE TH:
Jim told me that Dwight and Kevin are spying on me because they think I have connections with the mafia. So I’m just having a little fun with them. Luckily, I have watched The Godfather, parts one and two. I'm also a loyal fan of The Sopranos. And I play Grand Theft Auto all the time with my brothers. (The camera pans out the conference room window to show Dwight checking underneath his car for potential bombs.) I figured I’d just throw in a few characters and places from there into my regular phone conversations. You might overhear me talking to some people like Sonny or Vito or Nico... Oh, and there's little Johnny with the gimpy leg... Larry, Curly, Moe. (We see Kevin lurking in front of the window outside the conference room.) I think working here will actually be kind of fun.

INT- Kitchen.

Jim is standing by the counter when Michael walks out from the restroom. Jim immediately smells an awful odor.

JIM
Oh. God. Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh, God, it smells awful, I know, the toilet just… it exploded! Did you see it? And now there is nasty brown… doo-doo everywhere! It’s just... nasty-ness. Someone went butt freak nasty in the men’s room! Trust me, you want to stay away from there.

JIM
What were you doing in there?

MICHAEL
I was just checking on something for the toilet repair man.

JIM
You mean a plumber?

MICHAEL
He needed the model number off the toilet. Our toilet has exploded, and it’s all Oscar’s fault, and now I smell like [blee]ing [bleep]! Man, those burritos, I’m telling ya, those things are real toilet busters.

OSCAR (he’s been sitting at the table in the break room)
What? No, Michael, that wasn’t me. That smell was in there long before I got in there.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, whoever smelt it dealt it… so.

OSCAR
Well, maybe you ate a breakfast burrito, but I didn't.

MICHAEL
Well I didn't. I know better than to eat your gross, greasy Mexican food full of beans and fart juice for breakfast, anyway.

JIM
They have medicine to help with that, you know.

MICHAEL
Yeah, Oscar, God. Nobody wants to smell your feces.

Michael walks out, walking funny, as Creed walks in, sniffing around.

CREED
Ooh. Is somebody baking cheddar biscuits?

INT- Conference room.
Natalie and Phyllis are sitting at the table, discussing party plans.

ANGELA
What? Excuse me, but the party beneficiary should not be allowed to plan her own party.

PHYLLIS
Well, as head of the party planning committee, I’ve allowed it. Besides, we could use the extra hands now with Pam gone.

ANGELA
I won’t allow it. Besides, we don’t have any room on the planning committee for whores.

PHYLLIS (somewhat under her breath, but not really)
You’re still here.

Angela narrows her eyes at Phyllis, fuming.

NATALIE TH:
Angela is… kind of scary. I’m afraid to talk to her, actually. I’m worried that if I talked to her about things I like to do in my free time, she’ll tell God on me.

INT – Reception.

Jim is leaning over the counter talking to Natalie, who is in Pam’s regular spot.

NATALIE
Ooh! An e-mail from Michael, the toilet buster.

JIM
Nice.

NATALIE (reading email)
Hey Pal, what’s the Diny-o, O.M.G. 411 to share with everyone. FYI. Assemble the troops in the conference room in five. TTYL. XOXO, M?

Jim just shoots the camera one of his trademark looks.

INT - Michael’s Office.

Michael’s sitting at his computer, with two empty bottles of Pepto Bismol and an opened container of chili from Wendy's. His computer dings, singling a new email.

MICHAEL (reading from his computer)
“F.Y.E.O… X.D. R.O.F.L.” Rawffle? “T.H.X for the 411 M8. MICHAEL F.T.W. K.I.T. Prolly see you in the conference room. T.W.S.S.” (A look of fear etches across his face.) Oh my God.

INT- Michael’s Office.

Dwight is reading from Michael’s computer.

DWIGHT
Oh my God.

MICHAEL
I know, that’s what I said. I think she’s trying to talk to me in code.

DWIGHT
Or gang signs. What do we do?

MICHAEL
Don’t worry. I can handle this. (He grabs a purple bandana from his desk drawer.) We just need to put a little fear into their heads. Into all of their heads! (He wraps the bandana around his head.) For there’s nothing to fear… but fear in yourselves.

DWIGHT
Fear itself.

MICHAEL
Just, shut it, just… follow me.

Dwight follows him into the kitchen.

DWIGHT
But this is the bathroom-

MICHAEL
I'll only be a second... (He pauses in the doorway.) Wait... ok, the rumbling went away. Follow me. Time to get these bitches knockin’.

INT- Conference room.

Everyone has gathered and is sitting in chairs, facing the front. Michael walks in, wearing the bandana, followed by Dwight. Andy pumps his fist in the air in excitement.

ANDY
Yes!

ANGELA (disapproving)
No.

MICHAEL (talking in a horrible Italian accent)
Hey, hey, hey, how ya’ doin’?

JIM
Oh. Hey, it’s Prison Mike.

MICHAEL (in a normal voice)
No, not Prison Mike. I’m… (back to horrible Italian accent) I’m Prison Mike’s brother, Fat Tony.

DWIGHT
And I am Fat Tony’s associate, Dwight-

MICHAEL (whispers to Dwight.)
No, no you’re not Dwight. Just sit down. (Dwight takes a seat. Michael returns to the horrible accent.) Now… unlike my brother Prison Mike, who’s still busy making somebody his bitch over in the clink-

KELLY
Has he seen Ryan?

MICHAEL
I’m still running loose on the streets of New York. Where I rob people. And steal things. Me and my family of gang bangers.

JIM
Nope, that's not it.

OSCAR
This is ridiculous. Michael, when are we going to talk about the bathroom situation?

MICHAEL
What bathroom situation?

OSCAR
I’m talking about you going in there and smelling it up. It smells really bad. Are you sick Michael?

MICHAEL
What? Oscar, come on, I don’t speak Spanish. Soy habla ingles, please.

OSCAR
You smelled up the bathroom really bad, and then you blamed it on me, and you said-

MICHAEL
Yeah, I said something bad. Look, the bathroom situation is under control, ok, obviously somebody poisoned my coffee, and then they planted a stink bomb in the men’s bathroom and now… all of our lives are at the stake.

OSCAR
What?

MICHAEL (returns to accent)
Everyone poops, alright? N.B.D.

NATALIE
Aw, Everyone Poops, I loved that book when I was a kid.

JIM
I know, it’s a real nail biter. I’m still trying to get through it, it gets really thick towards the end.

MICHAEL
That’s what she said! Or- (He returns to his accent.) Ok, joke time is up my entourage of criminal infestors. I’m Fat Tony! Nobody messes with me or my family and gets away with it!

NATALIE
What brings you here, Fat Tony?

MICHAEL
I just came down to check on my family. The Dunder family. We’re bringing the Dunder!!! Yeah! We drop Miffs on ya!

JIM
Wow. What does that even mean?

MICHAEL
Just… fuh-getta bout it! Some people may think they can just come in here and hurt my family. Well, you got another thing coming my friends, 'cause I come to bring the pain... man! Now... everybody, say hello to my little friend- Oh God. (He holds his stomach in pain, his other hand clenching a pair of furry handcuffs.)

JIM
Whoa. What. Are those?

NATALIE
Are you ok, Fat Tony?

JIM
It’s not Fat Tony, it’s Prison Mike.

MICHAEL (Still in pain.)
No, I’m Fat Tony. I’m Fat Tony! You wanna piece of me? Huh?

PHYLLIS
No, you’ve done this before, Michael.

MICHAEL
Just shut your piehole, Phyllis, all of you. Shut your pieholes. Before I crush in all of your heads! I just want to send a warning to anyone out there, who thinks they can hurt my family… you- (He holds his stomach again, grimacing and squeaks out quickly.) I’ll be right back! (He runs towards the kitchen, obviously needing the restroom again.)

DWIGHT
Just stay calm, ladies and gentlemen, stay in your seats. No one leaves this room until Michael comes back!

JIM
You mean Prison Mike?

STANLEY (heads toward the door)
This is ridiculous, I have serious work to do.

DWIGHT (stops him from leaving)
No, Stanley, you don’t understand. Our lives are in danger. All of our lives are in danger. Except for one of us.

STANLEY
What are you talking about?

NATALIE (stands up)
I think I know what he’s talking about.

Everyone looks up at her, puzzled.

NATALIE
I guess you guys have figured out my deepest darkest secret.

KEVIN
I knew it!!!

DWIGHT
Just stay calm everybody!

NATALIE
I didn’t plan on telling everybody this, but… it’s true. I am a former mafia elite.

Everyone gasps.

JIM
Wow. Will you tell us stories of your delinquent past?

NATALIE (sighs)
It all started when I was a kid, living in Vice City.

DWIGHT
Where’s that?

NATALIE
In Florida. It’s kind of like… Miami?

DWIGHT
Never been to Florida, never will. Humidity causes me to perspire in the pelvic and perineum areas.

NATALIE
Hmm. Gross. Anyway, when I was a child, I was part of a school-yard gang. We called ourselves the Hot Tamales. My gang name was Scary Spice. Our ring leader, Vincent Mozzarella, who I was dating at the time, left for San Andreas… the state, not the fault in California… (Dwight looks confused) and I was very sad. My family and I then moved to Liberty City, where I found myself caught up in a world of drugs and violence. My family, the Genoa Salami’s, we made a marriage with our neighbors, the Corleone family. And we became one of the largest mob families in the city. (Angela is looking up at Natalie, horrified, waiting for her to continue.)

JIM
Corleone. Like The Godfather?

NATALIE
Yes. I did meet The Godfather, actually.

KEVIN
Oh my God. What is he like in real life?

NATALIE
Um… he was very nice actually. Wears dark, tailored suits with his hair slicked back. Some weekends, we played racquetball together.

KEVIN
You played racquetball with The Godfather? Sweet!

NATALIE
Yeah it was fun. Anyway, when I was living in Liberty City, I heard that my ex-boyfriend Vincent, was killed in a high speed car chase when the taxi cab he had stolen was hit head-on by a city bus. Hearing about his death made me realize that I no longer wanted a part of the hard knock mafia life. (Kevin is just nodding.) So I left. I joined the witness protection program, and they found me a job here. So… that’s my story. In a nutshell.

DWIGHT
So Natalie Paladino is just an alias.

NATALIE
Yes. My real name is Peppercorn Genoa Salami. They called me Pepp C for short.

KEVIN
That was AWESOME. (He starts clapping, but nobody follows suit.)

NATALIE
Thank you.

STANLEY
Can I please go back to work now?

DWIGHT
Yes. Now that we all can rest assured that Natalie is of no harm to us, we can all report back to our desks.

JIM
What about Prison Mike?

DWIGHT
Prison Mike is incapacitated at the moment. We’ll reconvene when he’s ready. Back to work everybody!

KEVIN (As he walks by Natalie.)
Do you think you could get me in to play racquetball with the Godfather?

NATALIE
Um, I don’t know. Maybe.

KEVIN TH:
I'm playing racquetball with The Godfather. Yesss. (Thinks for a moment.) I wonder if I'll need a bodyguard. Huh... I need to buy a racquet. I broke my old one when I was... (He giggles.) I do need to buy a new one, though.

INT – Kitchen.

Dwight and Phyllis are standing outside the restroom. Dwight knocks on the bathroom door, and we immediately hear Michael groan in pain.

DWIGHT
Michael? Are you ok? Did you fall in?

MICHAEL
The bathroom’s out of order. Shut down the women’s restroom and use theirs.

PHYLLIS
But where would the women go?

MICHAEL
You can pop a squat outside.

DWIGHT
Michael, Natalie came clean. She is no longer a threat to us.

MICHAEL
Is she a mafia princess?

DWIGHT
Not anymore.

PHYLLIS
Michael, we’re ready to start the party, we just need you to give us the all clear.

MICHAEL
Fine, go ahead.

Phyllis walks out of the kitchen.

DWIGHT
Michael? You should drink blackberry or ginger tea. It’s a good home remedy for extreme diarrhea.

MICHAEL
Don’t, don’t say that word! That’s disgusting!

DWIGHT
What? Diarrhea?

MICHAEL
Just go away!

Creed exits the women's restroom, hiking up his pants.

CREED
Oh. Hello, Dwayne.

Dwight eyes him suspiciously before attempting to enter the women's room. He immediately backs away, smelling a foul odor.

DWIGHT
Oh! Oh God. (He walks back over to the men's restroom and knocks again.) Michael? … Michael, I have to go number one. Michael?

INT- A fully decorated office.

A paper print out of the Italian flag is taped on the receptionist desk where Jim and Natalie are hanging out. Kevin is wearing the sombrero and moustache from Oscar’s party. Pizza and pasta are layed out on a table by the conference room. The Sopranos is playing on a TV monitor, but someone has taped a piece of paper over it that reads, "Jesus Christ is our Savior." Angela is looking bitter.

ANDY (to Phyllis)
Yes! Another great party Phyllis.

ANGELA
Andy!

ANDY
What? It's a great party. (sings) When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's amore!!

ANGELA
You're stupid. That song is stupid. This whole party is stupid. And my hands smell like garlic.

ANDY
Well, I think the party is actually pretty nice.

ANGELA
Well maybe you should marry Phyllis then!

PHYLLIS
Oh no, I'm already married to Bob Vance. Bob brought the gelato.

ANDY
And what tasty gelato it is. And this party is... Gelato-fun!

Angela storms off.

INT - Reception

NATALIE
So is this some form of new employee hazing, or is this just a normal everyday thing around here?

JIM
No, unfortunately that’s just Dwight and Michael. And Kevin… and you’ll learn about Andy soon enough.

NATALIE
Oh yeah, I ran into Andy when I was eating lunch. The one with the bright colorful pants who looks like he just got home from vacationing in Nantucket? He started calling me Julia Caesar because I was eating a Caesar salad.

JIM
Oh, yeah. That’s Andy all right. But, if I must say, you handled your first day very well.

NATALIE (laughs)
Yeah, well, I grew up with five brothers where I was usually always the victim of a practical joke gone awry, so I can usually hold my own.

JIM
Five brothers? (Natalie nods.) Wow, must’ve been rough. I might have to recruit you.

NATALIE
Recruit me for what?

JIM
As my new sidekick. What do you say tomorrow, we play a practical joke of our own on Dwight?

NATALIE
The four-eyed, moon face kiss ass who’ll say anything to agree with you? (Jim stares at her wide-eyed.) Hey, I didn’t make it up, it’s on Michael’s cheat sheet. (Jim chuckles as the phone rings.)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie… Yes, just a second… (She hands the phone to Jim.) For you.

JIM
Jim Halpert… (He instantly beams ear-to-ear) Heyyyy. How’s school going? … Yeah?

NATALIE TH:
Jim’s a nice guy. He’s cute… Funny. But it could never work out. I mean, he’s like a giant mutant, he’s like two feet taller than I am. I’d have to wear stilts just to see eye-to-eye with him. But at least I have a friend in the office. So that’s good.

JIM (on the phone)
What did you miss today? Well let’s see, Michael has food poisoning so he’s been running to the bathroom every five minutes. He's also probably doing some very kinky, non-work appropriate activities with a former corporate manager in his office, and Dwight accused our new receptionist of being affiliated with the Italian mafia. Oh, and Prison Mike returned.(The camera pans to show Michael exiting the men’s restroom before running back in. We hear Jim laugh on the phone.) Well, I hope it wasn't with Ryan... Yeah! … I know! … Nope, things haven't changed... Yes, I really miss you too.

INT – Office.

Only Jim and Dwight remain after the party as they prepare to leave.

JIM
Hey, Dwight. Listen, Natalie felt sort of uncomfortable asking you this, so she wanted me to run something by you.

DWIGHT
What is it?

JIM
Even though she’s in witness protection, her life could still be in great danger. Her family may still be looking for her.

DWIGHT
I understand. Don’t worry. I will monitor closely to make sure she isn’t being followed.

JIM
Ok. Good. Now, they may come after you if they know you’re involved.

DWIGHT
Please. I’m well prepared for any attack.

JIM
Ok.

DWIGHT
I saved your ass, didn’t I? (He grins at the camera.)

EXT – Parking lot.

Jim and Dwight walk outside and Dwight sees that his car has been trashed and wrapped in toilet paper. Full toilet paper rolls are stacked on his antenna and “VIVA LA DIARRHEA” is written on his windshield.

DWIGHT (in shock)
No!

Jim and Dwight approach the car. There's a piece of paper stuck in the windshield wipers.

JIM
Ooh. They left a note.

DWIGHT
No, Jim! They can still dust for fingerprints!

Jim pulls the note off the car anyway and reads it.

JIM
Ooh. Brutal.

Dwight snatches the paper from him.

DWIGHT (reading)
”You have been mobbed.” (He gets a look of anger.) No… NO!

Jim gives a deadpan look to the camera.

INT- Kitchen.

Michael is hollering from the bathroom.

MICHAEL
Hello? Is anyone there? We’re out of toilet paper. Hello? Oh... man, it burns.