INT – Conference room

Jim is sitting at the head of the conference room table. Phyllis, Dwight, Stanley, and Andy are seated at the table, taking down notes.

JIM
Alright. So Andy, you’re alright with cold calling everyone on the list of business startups I gave you?

ANDY
Let me tell you something, Big Tuna. When I get on that phone, there is no such thing as a cold call. When I worked as a telemarketer, selling carving knives and other assorted cutlery, people loved me. You know why? Because of the soothing sound of my modal vocal register. They didn’t mind that I was calling them between the hours of 6 and 8 and interrupting their dinner. People loved me so much, they would invite me to dinner. And if they happened to live in the neighborhood, I would always accept.

JIM
Wow. That is a great story, Andy. Thank you for sharing that with us. So, I think that about does it. I guess we can get back to work now. Unfortunately.

Everyone laughs except for Dwight, who shakes his head in disgust.

PHYLLIS Talking Head:
Jim has been in a very good mood lately. He’s really hot when he’s in a good mood.

DWIGHT Talking Head:
Jim has a tremendous lack of respect for his job. It disgusts me. Even more than something horrifyingly disgusting would disgust me. Which is rare, because very little disgusts me. But when I see an ineffectual freeloader like Jim Halpert, who is ungrateful for his position as Assistant Regional Manager when some of us Assistant to the Regional Managers can only dream of one day having his job… That disgusts me.

INT – Office.

Jim is standing by the door of the break room as the sales team exits.

JIM
Thank you, Phyllis. Nice blouse by the way. Stanley. Hey, way to go on that Henderson account. Nice work.

Jim gives Stanley a fist bump.

JIM
Andy. Thanks for helping me out with those cold calls, buddy.

Jim pats Andy on the back and heads into the conference room to grab some paperwork off the table. Andy turns to face Dwight, who is exiting the conference room.

ANDY
Did you see that? He gave me the ‘atta boy slap.

DWIGHT
More like the “you’re in my way so move” slap.

Dwight shoves Andy out of his way and sits at his desk.

ANDY
You only wish you could get slapped by Jim.

Kevin walks by from the direction of the kitchen and begins to chuckle.

ANDY
I didn’t mean it that way Kevin, I meant slapped in a way that he likes it.

INT – Office

A few minutes later, Jim is sitting at his desk with one earbud in his ear. He’s diligently working on some paperwork as he hums along to “Rock the Casbah” by The Clash.

DWIGHT
What are you doing?

Jim continues humming along to the song.

DWIGHT
Your singing is terrible. It sounds like someone sat on a cat.

JIM (sings softly under his breath)
…the king told the boogie men
You have to let that raga drop

DWIGHT
It literally sounds like cat is actually dying.

JIM (continues singing)
The oil down the desert way
Has been shakin’ to the top

Andy smiles and joins in.

ANDY and JIM (signing softly)
The Sheik he drove his Cadillac
He want a’cruisin down the ‘ville
The Muezzin was a standing
On the radiator grille.

Everyone joins in for the chorus of “Rock the Casbah” and Jim smiles, singing along with the office, except Dwight, of course, and Angela who looks annoyed by the distraction.

EVERYONE
The Sharif don’t like it
Rock the Casbah
Rock the Casbah
The Sharif don’t like it
Rock the Casbah
Rock the Casbah

ANGELA Talking Head:
Yes, I've noticed that Jim has seemed happier than usual lately. But what does he think this is, High School Musical? He's no Harry Connick, Jr.

KELLY Talking Head:
Ohmygod, High School Musical is totally awesome. Jim could totally be our Zac Efron. I can't believe his girlfriend put naked pictures of herself all over the internet. That is so trashy. I know so much better than that. Like if I wanted to make Ryan jealous, I wouldn't post naked pictures of myself on my Myspace page. I would mail them to his sorry ass so he could share them with all of his new prison friends, just like I did last week. His friends are probably all "Daaamn, looks like Kelly's much better off without you," and it's true because I totally am. I barely even think about him anymore.

INT – Reception

Natalie is typing at her desk when someone walks in. Natalie looks up and immediately grimaces.

NATALIE
Oh. Ew.

The camera swivels to show Jim, rockin’ a new beard.

JIM
What?

Natalie just stares at him.

JIM
Why are you looking at me like that?

NATALIE
Seriously. What’s with the beard, Chuck Norris?

JIM
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

NATALIE
Thanks for the random Chuck Norris trivia, Ben Roethlisberger. What, did you lose your razor over the weekend?

JIM
Nope.

Natalie just shakes her head as he walks over and sits at his desk. Now Dwight is just staring at him.

DWIGHT
What is that on your face? Is that a disguise?

NATALIE
Yeah, he’s disguised to look like a hobo.

JIM
Thank you, Natalie.

NATALIE
I’m sorry, what’s that Paul Bunyan?

JIM
Ok.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Oh, so did you hear? Jim is leaving Dunder Mifflin to go find his true calling as a lumberjack. Because in order to sell paper, we have to have someone out there to chop down those trees.

JIM Talking Head:
Yup. I have a beard. I’ve just been lazy these past couple of days, and I haven’t felt like shaving. I will as soon as I get home, though. I don’t know how much longer I can stand having Andy call me Grizzly Adams.

INT – Michael’s office

MICHAEL Talking Head:
It’s a great time to be me right now. I’m regional manager for the hippest branch of the greatest company in the world. Jan and I are having a baby, and my best friend is getting married. What could be better, right? I blogged about it this morning on my Myspace page. Check it out.

The camera focuses on Michael’s computer, showing a flashy Myspace page with glitter text and a Justin Timberlake background.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
Kelly helped me set it up, but I picked the background. Justin Timberlake, also known as the best singer of our generation. Got it on Pimp-my-myspace.com. I’m bringing sexy back. Gotta keep up with today’s youth, especially now that I’m becoming a father to a little, tiny youth of my own.

INT – Office

Michael walks out of his office.

MICHAEL
Hey, Jim-

Jim turns to face Michael.

MICHAEL
Whoa. Ok. (He laughs.) What’s Al Borland doing here?

Jim just stares at him.

MICHAEL
It’s… Home Improvement reference.

JIM
I don’t…

MICHAEL
Come on, Tim Allen? The kid from Lion King? JTT? It had Heidi, the really hot Tool Time girl?

Jim just shakes his head.

MICHAEL
Ok, well. Before your time, I guess. So, announcement everybody. As you all know, Jim and Pam are getting married. Now, I realize you may not remember Pam since she abandoned us several years ago-

JIM
No, three weeks ago.

MICHAEL
... So, allow me to paint a picture to make you remember. Frizzy hair. No make up. Wore sweaters that made her look like a 60-year-old librarian.

JIM
Ok.

MICHAEL
Big boobs. Rockin’ body, but never showed it off.

JIM
That’s inappropriate.

MICHAEL
Inappropriate? I’m just suggesting that Pam has a sexual body, and that it turns me on. You’re the one banging the office receptionist.

ANGELA
If you want us to throw a party, the answer is no. We’re still in debt from Toby’s party, and we can barely afford the 08/08/08 party you’re insisting on having.

MICHAEL
Easy, Tiny Tim. No, in order to celebrate Jim entering a world where he’ll be getting laid consistently, I am taking him out for a pre-bachelor party. And I’m taking my whole entourage with me. Andy, Dwight and… We need to find a replacement for Ryan.

Kevin immediately raises his hand.

KEVIN
Ooh! Me! Pick me!

MICHAEL
Ehhh… I don’t know. You’re not as hot as Ryan was.

Stanley makes a bewildered look and Natalie raises her eyebrows.

MICHAEL
How’s your golf swing?

ANDY
I’m sorry, did someone say… golf?

MICHAEL
Maybe I did.

ANDY Talking Head:
Michael says he’s doing this for Jim, but I know what this is really all about. I didn’t get the job at corporate, and now things with Angela are headed down a rocky road, and I’m not talking about the delectable treat that can be found in a confectioner’s shop. Michael senses I’m in trouble, and I appreciate that he’s bringing together the Dunder Mifflin band of brothers to get me through this difficult time. Just me and the gentlemen’s club, taking part in the best recreational activity ever created.

INT – Office.

Michael is standing by the front door.

MICHAEL
Michael Scott’s entourage. Assemble at the door, please. As for the rest of you, keep yourselves busy doing whatever it is that you regularly keep yourselves busy with during the day. And we will see you in a couple of hours. Unless things get really crazy, and we find ourselves stranded in a Canadian snow storm, a la the movie Fargo. In that case, we will see you tomorrow. Let’s go gentlemen. The golf course awaits.

The guys follow Michael out the door.

JIM (to Natalie)
Wish me luck.

NATALIE
Chuck Norris doesn’t need luck. But if you do find yourself stranded in a Canadian snow storm in the middle of June, maybe you can put your lumberjack skills to use and chop some firewood.

JIM
And I’m leaving.

NATALIE
Tell your pet ox, Babe, I said hello.

Jim continues walking towards the door, holding up a blurred finger.

EXT – A parking lot.

The guys are squinting against the sun, staring straight ahead.

MICHAEL
Here we are. A man’s paradise.

The camera switches to a view behind their heads, showing a sign for “Red Barn Villiage Mini Golf”.

JIM
You brought us to play miniature golf?

Michael just smiles.

INT – Reception

Natalie is typing at her computer when the phone rings. She reaches over to answer it.

NATALIE
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie. Um, Michael is currently out of the office at an important international business meeting with important international business men, may I take a message?

PHYLLIS Talking Head:
I’m always happy when Michael leaves the office. We tend to get more work done when he’s gone.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Michael told me to tell anyone that called looking for him that he was in an important international meeting with international business men. I told him that didn’t sound very believable, because Dunder Mifflin doesn’t usually conduct business overseas, but Michael insisted that it sounded more “realistic” and “urgent” if he was in an international meeting.

EXT – Miniature golf course.

Michael, Andy, Kevin and Jim are headed to the first hole. Andy is carrying a set of golf clubs.

ANDY
Don’t they have golf carts around here?

JIM
Have you never played putt-putt before?

ANDY
Please. Putt-putt is for amateurs. I only play with the pros.

Michael swings at the golf ball, but merely taps it, moving it about two inches.

MICHAEL
Getting closer.

KEVIN (to Jim)
Fifty bucks Michael goes over 100 strokes.

JIM
There’s 18 holes.

KEVIN
I know.

JIM
Ok. You’re on.

Michael taps the golf ball again. It moves another three inches.

Dwight runs up to catch up with the guys.

DWIGHT
Hey Michael, after golf, we should play laser tag.

MICHAEL
What? No? What the hell is that? It sounds dangerous.

DWIGHT
Its only the best game ever! You can be on my team. We call ourselves the Silent Assassins.

MICHAEL
Yeah. No, we’re not doing that.

DWIGHT
But my team always wins.

MICHAEL
I didn’t come out here to get my head chopped off with lasers, Dwight. I came here to play a real man sport. Golf. Now, get out of my way. I’m trying to concentrate. I have to get this ball to go through the windmill.

The camera zooms out to show a twirling windmill in the middle of the course. A boy, about 7 or 8 years old, walks up behind Andy, waiting his turn.

ANDY
Sweet! They gave us a caddy! Here you go, kind sir.

Andy hands him his bag of golf clubs. The child just looks at him like he’s crazy.

INT – Reception

Natalie is hard at work on something. The computer zooms in, trying to see what she’s doing. Natalie looks up.

NATALIE Talking Head:
I got bored, so I stole a couple of business cards from Jim and Dwight. I started whiting out the names on them and writing in new ones. There’s… Jim Halpert. Ass. Regional Manager. Um… Jim Halpert, Park Ranger…. For Dwight... Wide Shoot… Dwight Schruterey… Schrutes ‘R Us… Dwight Shrooms… Oh, I grabbed one of Andy’s too… Andy Fartard… (She sighs.) I’m really bored.

INT – Reception

Natalie is still drawing on business cards when Oscar approaches her desk.

OSCAR
Hey, Natalie, do you know where those purchase order forms are that Michael was supposed to sign?

NATALIE
No, he never turned them in. They might be in his office, I’ll go look.

INT – Michael’s office.

Natalie walks in and steps around his desk, searching for the paperwork. She sits in his chair and starts opening his desk drawers. She stops for a moment and reclines in the chair.

NATALIE
This is a nice chair.

She raises herself in the chair and smiles. She then glances at the computer and makes a face. She points at the screen.

NATALIE
Michael’s Myspace. He sent me a friend request a couple of days ago. He asked me this morning why I hadn’t approved it yet. I told him I hadn’t been online in a couple of days, and he said he knew I was lying because it showed that I last logged in yesterday. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as online stalking.

She gets on his computer and starts browsing his page.

NATALIE
He has two friends. Todd Packer and… Dane Cook. (She giggles.) Ok.

She gets off the computer and looks in his paper tray.

NATALIE
Oh. Here it is.

She picks up a piece of paper and walks back out to the office. Oscar is now standing behind her desk, looking at her business cards.

NATALIE
Here’s the order form.

OSCAR
Thanks.... Dwayne Schrute.

NATALIE
What?

OSCAR
For your business card collection. One day, Jim paid everyone in the office to call Dwight Dwayne the whole day. He went ballistic.

Natalie laughs.

NATALIE
That’s pretty funny.

OSCAR
I can’t say Dwight doesn’t deserve it. When everyone in the office found out I was gay, he made everyone take a urine test to compare with mine because he thought I might be contagious.

NATALIE
Oh my God.

PHYLLIS (chimes in from her desk)
One time, Dwight threw away my lunch and said I probably didn’t need to eat any more for the rest of the week. He said there was a food shortage, and that I need to give everyone else a chance.

NATALIE
Are you serious? That’s horrible! You know, at the last office I worked at, there was this guy that nobody in the office could stand and we did this thing… We could totally get back at Dwight.

OSCAR
What is it?

EXT – Putt-putt course.

Michael is swinging again. The camera shows they’ve only made it to the fourth hole. Jim is standing off to the side, shuffling his feet.

KEVIN
What’s Michael’s score so far?

JIM
42.

Kevin smiles and pumps his fist, mouthing, “Yes!” Andy and Dwight are already at the next hole. Andy’s golf ball is inches away from the hole.

ANDY
Dwight. Hand me that wedge, would you?

DWIGHT
Can't. You're my competition, thus in this game, you are the enemy. In the police force, we would call that aiding and abetting.

ANDY
Well, I aid and a-bet that you are going to lose.

DWIGHT
I never lose. I physically dominate every game and every sport that I have ever participated in.

ANDY
If we were playing frisbee golf, you would be laying flat on the ground, dead, because I would physically dominate and kill you.

DWIGHT
Frisbee golf is not a real sport.

ANDY
Is too, I should know. I invented it. At Cornell, where I went to college.

DWIGHT
In order for a game to be considered a real sport, it has to have balls. FootBALL, basketBALL, baseBALL... golf... is played with golfBALLS.

ANDY
What about hockey?

DWIGHT
Not a real sport. Only Canada considers it a sport, and that's why Canadians are stupid.

EXT – Parking lot of the office.

Phyllis, Oscar, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Natalie are sticking a gazillion post-it notes all over Dwight’s car. Angela comes storming outside.

ANGELA
What are you doing?

PHYLLIS
Putting post-its on Dwight’s car.

ANGELA
This is immature and completely irresponsible. When Michael comes back, I will tell on every single one of you.

NATALIE
Come on, Angela. There has to be something that Dwight has done to upset you. We’re just getting back at Dwight for the hurtful, mean things he has done or said to all of us. It’s actually a good stress reliever. Seriously, it will make you feel so much better.

Angela just stares at Natalie for a moment.

ANGELA
Dwight killed my cat.

NATALIE
We still need someone to do the hubcaps.

Natalie hands Angela a pack of post-its. Angela bends down and sticks a post-it forcefully on his hubcap.

ANGELA
Wow. That actually feels kind of nice.

Natalie smiles.

ANGELA Talking Head:
I don't usually approve of childlike activities in the office... But it is nice to get some outdoor time once in awhile. Sometimes, when it's nice out, I like to walk my cats around the neighborhood. I took Sprinkles to a dog park once, and this tiny little vicious Chihuahua tried to attack Sprinkles... (Angela starts crying.) She was so brave.

OSCAR
Hey, since Michael’s not here, we should all go out for lunch.

PHYLLIS
We should make it be a two-hour lunch.

Everyone agrees.

NATALIE
Josh took me to this amazing Indian restaurant the other night… Its kind of far, though... Hey, I could order take out and have Josh pick it up for us. He’s working from home today.

Everyone nods and agrees.

OSCAR
Yeah, that sounds good.

EXT - Golf course

There’s an old guy in a motorized handicapped cart waiting at the hole as Michael continues to swing. There’s a loud, high-pitched sound coming from the cart, like a horn. Michael taps the ball and it just barely misses the hole.

MICHAEL
Ugh, dammit!

Michael swings again, and misses. He looks over at the old man. The loud noise is still coming from his cart.

MICHAEL
I’m going as fast as I can. No need to rush me.

Michael goes to swing again, but is getting annoyed by the loud noise.

MICHAEL
Ok, you know what? I might be awhile, so why don’t you just go to the next hole, alright?

The old man ignores him and continues to make the loud noise.

MICHAEL
Ok, old fogy. What are you, 115 years old? How do you even play golf? How are you even alive?

The old man just looks at him. Jim approaches him.

JIM
Um… I think you’re laying on your horn.

The boy from earlier walks up to him and taps the old man's shoulder.

BOY (yells into his ear)
You’re laying on the horn, grandpa!!

OLD MAN
Oh. Sorry.

JIM (to the boy)
Thank you.

BOY
Are you Big Foot?

Andy walks over to Jim.

ANDY
Put me down for two on hole 5. I believe that puts me in the lead again.

JIM
Seven on hole 5? Alright.

ANDY
No, two!

JIM
I know, seven. I wrote it down.

ANDY
No, the number two, Jim! Numero dos. Two. One-two.

JIM
Oh, twelve. Sorry.

Andy glares at Jim in anger.

ANDY
That beard makes you look like an Amish person.

JIM
Well, that’s the look I was going for.

Andy looks at him angrily before storming off, throwing a golf club in the air. It lands in a small pond.

ANDY
Agh! Dammit!!

ANDY Talking Head:
In anger management, one of the things they taught us in controlling violent outbursts of extreme angerness, is meditating. I’ve found that that technique doesn’t work for me. Instead, like an awesome technician who invents things, I invented my own technique. When someone insults me and makes me feel less of myself, I will insult them right back. Kind of like War of the Worlds… with words. War of the Words.

EXT – Golf course

Jim and Michael are waiting their turn as Kevin swings.

MICHAEL
So… You and Pam. Getting married.

JIM
Yup.

MICHAEL
Who would’ve thunk it, huh?

JIM
Yeah.

MICHAEL
Wow. Well, I’m proud of you Jim. You never gave up.

JIM
Thanks Michael.

MICHAEL
Hey, you know the part of the wedding when the man throws the brides underwear?

JIM
Uh, nope.

MICHAEL
Try to throw Pam’s undies at me. I call next to get married.

JIM
Alright.

MICHAEL
Cool. You know Jim, I’m glad you didn’t take that job in New York. Really, that was probably the best decision you ever made.

JIM
Why’s that, Michael?

Kevin finishes his round and Jim steps up to swing.

MICHAEL
Because, Scranton is so much cooler than New York. New York is just so… loud. It’s like… like when you walk into Abercrombie? You know with that loud music? If the world were a mall, New York would be Abercrombie. It tries to be cool, you know, with its loud music and hot girls and… darkness… But it can never be as cool as Scranton.

JIM
Yeah. No, you’re right.

MICHAEL
Hey, maybe one day we can retire together. Maybe share a two-bedroom condo in Florida. Just you, me, and Pam.

JIM
What about Jan? And your baby?

MICHAEL
Yeah, them, too, I guess. The baby definitely. Maybe Jan, if there’s room.

JIM
Well, it sounds like a great idea, Michael, but honestly, I probably won’t be around here much longer.

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

JIM
Well, I didn’t take the job in New York because… I don’t think I want to sell paper for the rest of my life, Michael. I mean, there has to be something better out there for me, you know?

MICHAEL
What, is Dunder Mifflin not good enough for you, Jim? I thought we were friends.

JIM
No, Michael, its not that. I just… there’s just other things I want to do in my life that I’m not able to do here. I have to move on.

Jim heads down the course to finish his round.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
Move on? What is he talking about? Jim and I are best friends, you don’t just move on from people. I was going to rent a mechanical bull for their wedding reception, as a surprise, but right now, I… I wouldn’t even buy Jim a fake bull.

INT – Office

Phyllis, Angela, Oscar, Creed, Meredith and Kelly are huddled around Kevin’s desk in accounting, wrapping all his belongings in aluminum foil. Angela is wrapping his M&M jar in foil as Meredith wraps each and every single M&M. Natalie wraps a pencil.

OSCAR
So, I think I'm going to go see that new Adam Sandler movie today.

NATALIE
Oh, I've been wanting to see that. It looks really funny.

PHYLLIS
What movie are you talking about?

OSCAR
That Zohan movie. Where he's a hair dresser-

KELLY
Oh yeah. You would totally like that movie. I mean, since it’s about a gay guy.

OSCAR
He’s just a hair dresser. He’s not gay.

KELLY
Oh, all guy hair dressers are totally gay.

OSCAR
No, that’s not always the case.

Josh walks into the office with several large bags of Indian food. Natalie looks up towards the door and smiles, walking towards him.

NATALIE
Hey!

JOSH
Special delivery!

NATALIE
Thank you so much for picking it up for us.

JOSH
Oh yeah, no problem.

KELLY
Oh my God, are you an Abercrombie model? Because you could totally be an Abercrombie model. I bet you look incredible with your shirt off.

JOSH
Oh. Thanks.

KELLY Talking Head:
Jim’s brother is SO hot. Not like "Greek God" hot, like Brad Pitt in Troy, but sort of "I look like a geek, but I'm totally ripped underneath" hot, like a male She's All That. If it wasn’t illegal, I would totally kidnap him and make him be my boyfriend. I don’t know what he sees in Natalie. She’s such a slut.

INT – Office

JOSH
What are you guys doing?

NATALIE
Oh. Angela is tired of Kevin’s workspace always being unorganized and dirty… So we are making it all bright and shiny.

JOSH
Do you ever do any work around here?

NATALIE
Not really, no.

They laugh.

JOSH
I haven't given you a decent hello, by the way. Hello, my dear.

He gives her a hug.

NATALIE
Hi.

OSCAR Talking Head:
Do I think Josh is attractive? Let me put it this way... if I were gay and into other men... Yes, Josh is very good looking.

EXT – Golf course

Jim, Andy, Kevin, Michael and Dwight are sitting at a picnic table, eating lunch. Michael has a sour look on his face.

ANDY
Hey Jim. I’ve been thinking. You and I... We should get married together.

JIM
What?

ANDY
You, me, and the two balls on chains. Make the ceremony a double feature. Check it out: We send out invitations for a wedding twofer. Two weddings for the price of one. Huh? We can split the cost of the band. It'll save a lot of money. Puts more dinero in the honeymoon fund. We'll get much better sex that way. Think about it.

JIM
Yeah. I don't think so, Andy.

MICHAEL
Pam has ruined you.

JIM
What?

MICHAEL
First, she abandons her family for New York. Now she’s making you abandon us. And it just hurts. It hurts my heart, Jim.

DWIGHT
You still have me, Michael.

ANDY
And you still have your number two best friend, whom which is me.

MICHAEL
That just makes me feel worse.

DWIGHT
What would make you feel better, Michael?

MICHAEL
Nothing. I feel so betrayed… Its like someone took a knife and stabbed me in the stomach… I literally feel like I have been stabbed repeatedly and murdered.

DWIGHT
How about some cotton candy?

MICHAEL
No… Ok, yeah, cotton candy sounds good.

Andy leaps up from the bench.

ANDY
I got it!

Dwight leaps up and follows him.

DWIGHT
No! It is my job to satisfy Michael!

JIM
Michael-

MICHAEL
I’m sorry, what’s that, traitor?

JIM (sighs)
Michael…

MICHAEL
Kevin, do you hear something? Something that sounds like a liar?

KEVIN
I think Jim is trying to tell you something.

MICHAEL
Well. Friends don't let friends traitor one another.

JIM
When you were a kid Michael, what did you want to be when you grew up?

MICHAEL
I… I wanted to be a Regional Sales Manager for the best, most exciting company in the world. And that is exactly what I'm doing. So I'm living the American dream.

JIM
Seriously, Michael. There had to be something you dreamed of doing when you were little.

MICHAEL
I wanted to be a Brady.

JIM
What?

MICHAEL
You know, the Brady Bunch?

JIM
Oh.

Jim inches Dwight’s cup of soda closer to him and starts pouring sugar packets into it.

MICHAEL
Big family. Kids who are always happy. A maid to cook breakfast for you and clean your room. And Carol Brady was smokin’ hot.

Jim raises his eyebrows and continues pouring sugar into Dwight’s drink.

MICHAEL
I don’t know… The Partridge Family was cool too. They had that cool bus.

KEVIN
When I was little, I wanted to be a chef, so I could wear a cool chef's hat. It would still be cool to cook stuff. But I would only want to cook stuff for myself. Not for other people. I could be like... my own personal chef. And only cook for myself.

MICHAEL
Wow… You are an idiot.

JIM
I think I want to teach.

MICHAEL
Teach what?

JIM
Maybe high school kids.

MICHAEL
Yeah? How is that any better than here? Is it the salary? Because I can have my people talk to your people. We can make something happen.

JIM
No, its not that at all. I’d probably be looking at a pay decrease… actually.

MICHAEL
Then why leave?

JIM
It’s what I want to do, Michael. It’s kind of what I’ve dreamed of doing since college.

MICHAEL
Well… If you want to go, I can’t stop you. Honestly Jim, you could do anything you wanted to. You’re so smart and… talented. So if you’re just not happy here, then… you should go.

JIM
It’s not that I’m not happy, Michael. I really like working with you. I just… I have to do this.

MICHAEL
I know. You’re a good guy, Jim. You’re my best friend. And you deserve the best. I just hate to see you go, that’s all.

Jim nods.

MICHAEL
You know if you and Pam need help… moving or anything, just give me a call. I'll get Dwight to help you. And I can bring my George Foreman grill. Cook hot dogs for everyone.

JIM
Thanks, Michael.

Andy and Dwight run up to Michael, each holding a bag of cotton candy.

DWIGHT
Here you go, Michael. Cotton candy, as you requested.

ANDY
No, take mine. Everyone knows pink is better.

DWIGHT
Pink is a girl’s color. Take the blue one. It’s more masculine.

MICHAEL
Thanks, but I don’t want it.

Dwight sighs in frustration and sits back down beside Michael on the bench. Andy throws his cotton candy in the trash. Dwight goes to take a sip of his drink and immediately spits it out.

INT – Break room.

The employees are sitting at tables, eating lunch.

OSCAR
So Angela, how is the wedding planning coming along?

ANGELA
I don’t know.

OSCAR
What do you mean you don’t know?

ANGELA
Nothing, just… You shouldn’t ask a woman those kinds of questions.

KELLY
I can’t wait to get married. I look really amazing in white. And I’m going to have a tiara, so I’ll look just like a princess. I’m going to be so beautiful. Everyone will be totally jealous and wish they could look like me.

STANLEY Talking Head:
For some reason, everyone in the office has wedding fever. Now I have to buy two presents for two different weddings. I don’t know why people think I’m made out of money. We all work at the same place. Ain’t none of us making enough money to buy each other presents for such ridiculous occasions. We don’t even like one another.

INT - Break room

PHYLLIS
You know, if you need any ideas Angela, I can help you. I learned a couple of things from planning my own wedding.

ANGELA
No thanks. I would hope that my wedding is a little more tasteful. And a lot more chaste.

PHYLLIS
Well it's a little too late for that, isn't it?

Angela scowls at Phyllis.

OSCAR
What do you mean?

NATALIE
You know what television show I really miss? ReBoot.

Everyone looks at her like she’s crazy.

NATALIE
It used to come on Saturday mornings? Bob, Dot and Enzo. Megabyte? Hexadecimal? Warning… Incoming Data.

Everyone continues to stare at her. Josh just smiles.

NATALIE
Just me? Ok…

JOSH
They’re turning that into a movie you know.

NATALIE
Are you serious? That’s freakin’ amazing.

JOSH
This coming from a person who places The Brave Little Toaster in her top five list of desert island movies.

NATALIE
The Brave Little Toaster is the best movie ever! My entire childhood was based on the deep philosophies taught in that movie. That little toaster was so brave.

JOSH
Aww… You’re so lame.

He leans over and kisses her on the forehead. Natalie just smiles.

EXT – Parking lot of the golf course.

The guys are walking towards Michael’s car.

MICHAEL
Well, I hope you had a good time.

JIM
Yeah. It was good to get out of the office and just… hang out.

MICHAEL
Well, maybe we should do it again sometime. Like a… man date. Just you and me. Best friends out on the town.

JIM
Yeah. Maybe.

JIM Talking Head:
It’s kind of weird how Michael keeps referring to me as his best friend. I mean, we work together. And yeah, I help him with his problems now and then, but… I mean, I’m sure he has other… friends…

Dwight and Andy are a few steps behind Jim, Michael and Kevin.

DWIGHT
I’m Jim. I’m Assistant Regional Manager. I’m Michael’s best friend. I sleep with the receptionist. Wah, wah.

ANDY
I’m Jim. I have a mountain man beard.

DWIGHT
I’m Jim. I’m the boss’ pet.

ANDY
I’m Michael’s pet. He keeps me in a cage and feeds me.

DWIGHT
I’m Jim. I have cool hair.

ANDY
I’m Jim. People think I have a sexy man voice, like Darth Vadar.

Dwight gives Andy a quizzical look.

ANDY
I'm Jim. I'm such a loser.

JIM
What's that Andy?

ANDY
I said Jim should have a PT Cruiser. Just like Michael. Best car ever. Major pimp mobile. I bet you get a lot of action in this car, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh... Well, I haven't tried. But I'm sure I could. Especially since the back seats fold down.

KEVIN
Yeah. That is very important.

INT– Parking lot of the office.

Michael’s PT Cruiser pulls into the lot. Michael parks in his regular handicap space and the guys climb out. Dwight nearly falls out of the car, having been squished in beside Kevin and Andy. They all walk through the front door. The camera shows Dwight’s car covered in post-it notes that he has failed to notice.

INT – Reception

Josh is leaning over the counter talking to Natalie.

JOSH
Well, I can’t this weekend. I have to help Jim move some things over from Pam’s apartment. You can help if you want. We could use somebody to carry pillows and lamp shades.

NATALIE
Hey! I can lift stuff.

JOSH
Sure you can.

The guys walk through the door into the office.

MICHAEL
Hello everyone.

NATALIE
Welcome back.

Jim notices Josh.

JIM
Hey, man.

JOSH
Hey, what’s up? Didn’t think I’d see you, I’m actually on my way out.

JIM
Oh.

Kevin is at his desk, where everything, including the computer, is covered in aluminum foil.

KEVIN
Whoa.

MICHAEL
Oh, yuck. Why does it smell like an elephant had diarrhea in here?

NATALIE Talking Head:
The only bad thing about Indian food is that it’s really hard to get rid of the smell. I tried lighting a candle, but now the office just smells like Alpine Berry and Wandering Curry.

INT – Kitchen

Jim is leaning against the counter, drinking a bottle of water. Oscar and Natalie are sitting at the kitchen table.

OSCAR
So Jim, have you applied for any teaching positions yet?

JIM
Yeah, I applied for an English teaching position over at West Scranton.

OSCAR
Oh, great.

JIM
Yeah, just waiting to hear back from them. So…

OSCAR
They have a great academic program.

JIM
Yeah, I’ve heard.

OSCAR
Well, good luck.

JIM
Thanks.

OSCAR
Hey, Natalie, Phyllis and I are going after work to go see that Adam Sandler movie. You should go.

JIM
Oh. Yeah, that sounds fun… Actually, would you guys mind if I asked you a favor?

INT – Michael’s office

Jim knocks on the door and walks in.

MICHAEL
Hey, Jim. What’s up, buddy?

JIM
Nothing, um… A couple of us are going after work to go see a movie. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with us.

MICHAEL
Seriously?

JIM
Yeah.

MICHAEL
Wow. Yeah, ok.

JIM
Alright. Cool.

Jim walks out and we hear Michael’s “talking head” as we watch Oscar, Phyllis, Natalie, Michael and Jim leave the office together, talking and laughing.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
Today, I realized that I’m ok with Jim leaving. Because I know we’ll stay friends. We're total BFFs. Best friends for life. We could fight crime together. Like that black guy and Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies. Or Starsky & Hutch. I would definitely say that Jim and I are partners. We complete each other. And that... is a beautiful thing.

EXT - Parking lot

Dwight walks out of the building and stops when he sees his car.

DWIGHT
What. The hell.

***

INT - Office.

Dwight is typing angrily at his computer.

DWIGHT
Dammit.

He hits backspace a couple of times and starts typing again.

DWIGHT
Dammit.

He hits backspace, and types again.

DWIGHT
Dammit.

He continues to backspace and re-type.

DWIGHT
Dammit.... Dammit.... DAMMIT!

NATALIE Talking Head:
Oh yeah, when the guys were out of the office. We messed with Dwight's keyboard and changed a couple of keys around. We switched out the "g" and the "h". Two very important letters that are needed to spell Dwight. Or... Dwigit, as it is now pronounced.

INT - Office.

Dwight is still typing angrily.

DWIGHT
Dammit! D-W-I-G-H-T!!! No- dammit!

**