INT – Office

Jim is the first to arrive at the office. He turns all of the lights on and walks over to his desk.

JIM Talking Head:
Today is a big day for me. I had an interview with the principal at West Scranton High last week, and I’m supposed to hear from him today. So, if I’m lucky, these could be my last days working at Dunder Mifflin. God willing. I’ve always wondered what I would do on my last day here... Pam told me to make sure I take a bunch of cardstock for wedding invitations, so... Stealing office supplies. That will show 'em. And, of course, planning one final prank on Dwight. I have dreamed of that day every day for the past seven years. So. That should be pretty exciting.

INT - Office

Natalie walks in and sees Jim.

NATALIE
Hey. You’re here early.

JIM
So are you.

NATALIE
Oh, yeah. Michael likes me to be here early so that the office is a cool and comfortable 68 degrees by the time he gets in.

JIM
Ah.

Natalie walks over to the thermostat and adjusts the temperature. She then walks into the kitchen and starts preparing the coffee maker. Andy walks out of the bathroom.

NATALIE
Good morning, Andy.

He sneezes quite violently and it sprays Natalie in the face.

NATALIE
Um… Thank you?

ANDY
Sorry. Just… These G.D. allergies.

NATALIE
I have some Benadryl at my desk. If that will keep you from getting snot all over my face.

ANDY
Well, if you’re selling, I’m buying. Hook me up with the good stuff, Julia Caeser.

He sneezes again, right into the can of coffee Natalie was about to pour into the filter.

NATALIE
And that was just in your nose. Gross. (She tosses the coffee into the trash can.)

INT – Office

Everyone has arrived and is seated at their desks. Jim walks out of the kitchen over to Natalie's desk.

JIM
What happened to all of the coffee?

NATALIE
Um, I'm pretty sure Andy diseased all of it when he sneezed boogers into the actual coffee can.

JIM
Gross.

NATALIE
Yeah.

Michael steps out of the conference room.

MICHAEL
Alright, Dunder Mifflin Scranton team. Assemble! In the conference room, five minutes.

STANLEY
We just got here. Can’t ruining our day wait at least a couple of hours?

MICHAEL
Nope. It can’t. It begins now. Conference room. Five minutes.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
When I first became manager, I used to bring donuts for our morning meetings. And it would immediately put everyone in a good mood. But now I look around the room, and I see people like Kevin, and Phyllis and Stanley. And Kelly, who would probably die of talking herself to death if she had any more sugar in her system. And I realized that by feeding them donuts, I'm just making everybody fat and unattractive, like a Phyllis or a Kevin. Stanley, he can't help it. It's just... it's in his ethnicity. So, I decided that I should be promoting a healthier start to the day.

INT – Conference room

Troy (Ryan’s friend from "Night Out") and Michael are standing at the front of the room as the employees filter in. Jim notices the “treats” Michael has laid out on the table.

JIM
Wow. Cottage cheese. And pretzels. That’s an odd combination.

MICHAEL
Well, it’s all I had left in my refridgerator. So… Eat up.

Everyone walks past the food and takes a seat.

MICHAEL
Ok. And so the meeting begins. So, Ryan’s mini-me is here as our new corporate manager-

TROY
Temporary corporate manager. Really, I’m just filling in for Ryan’s old job until David Wallace hires someone else.

DWIGHT (to the employees)
Now everybody, don’t be frightened. I know he may look evil, but he is of no harm to any of us. Troy is what people in Middle-earth refer to as a hobbit. Also known as a hole-dweller.

MICHAEL
Ok, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Troy has lived for a long time. From my best estimates, I would say he’s about 75 years of age. Give or take a couple of hours.

MICHAEL
Dwight-

DWIGHT
Hobbits are endangered creatures. So you should treat him with the utmost respect, as you would of all elders and other endangered animals.

MICHAEL
Yes, we get it Dwight. Troy is an endangered species. And you will be to, if you don't shut up. Ok? Everyone, divert your attention from the crazy person over to me now. Listen up. Corporate is instituting a new program to promote career advancement. Right?

Troy nods.

MICHAEL
Alright. So this is how it’s going to work. I am going to hand you a sheet of paper, on which you are to write your career goals. It can be anything you like. If you want to be an astronaut, write down Lance Armstrong. Or, maybe you want to be a fire walker. Fire walkers are cool. Or a magician, who also walks on fire.

TROY
No, Michael. Everyone, we would like you to tell us your career goals here within the company. For instance, maybe you would like to take a position at our corporate offices in New York. Or perhaps you want to move up into Michael’s job.

MICHAEL
Wait, what? Why would anyone be taking my job? It's... my job. Just like you said, "Michael's job." Not, "Some other... Michael imposter's job."

TROY
I know -

MICHAEL
My coffee mug says "World's Best Boss" not "World's Other Just Ok Boss".

TROY
Well, not your job per se, just… a regional manager position, maybe at another branch.

MICHAEL
Yeah right, these losers aren’t going anywhere. These losers are my family. And, I love them, despite all of their loser-ness qualities. We're all in this together. Band of brothers.

ANGELA
And sisters.

MICHAEL
If you say so. Besides, none of them have what it takes to be me.

JIM (under his breath)
Thank God for that.

MICHAEL
What’s that, Jim?

JIM
Oh. I said, “True that.”

MICHAEL
Well said, buddy. Right on.

TROY
So, just write them down and once you do, we will have you shadow an employee related to the title you wish to have. That way, you can learn the necessary skills in order to eventually advance into that position.

MICHAEL
Sounds good. Thank you very much, mini-me of Ryan Howard. Mini-me… you complete me. (He laughs and turns to everyone, expecting them to laugh as well.) See? This is why they could never be managers. No sense of humor.

STANLEY Talking Head:
I’m just a sales representative, and I’m happy being just a sales representative. And I refuse to do anymore work than this job requires.

KEVIN Talking Head:
If I got to be anything I wanted, I would have lots of money, and I would live in Las Vegas so I could gamble as much as I want. I love the Vegas. Some people, they call it Sin City. But if the Vegas is a city of sin, why would they make it so much fun?

INT – Conference Room

Phyllis and Angela are at the front of the room.

ANGELA
So, Phyllis thinks that she is capable of running the party planning committee, despite the fact that on Michael’s birthday, she ordered an ice cream cake. Then, because Meredith is lactose intolerant and didn’t realize it was an ice cream cake, she got sick and the ladies' room smelled like a gas chamber. I couldn’t go to the bathroom at work for two weeks.

PHYLLIS
It wasn’t that bad.

ANGELA
I have an over-active bladder. It was very painful. I could’ve gotten a kidney infection.

PHYLLIS
Well, you could've told me. I would have brought you some Depends. I have a family pack at home.

ANGELA
Do you see? This is why I should be head of the party planning committee. And that is why we are putting it up to a vote.

The camera zooms out to show that they’ve only been talking to Natalie, who's sitting at the table.

NATALIE
But… I’m the only member.

ANGELA
And?

NATALIE
And I’m only a temporary member. I don’t even know you two that well. Maybe we should let the whole office vote.

PHYLLIS
I think that’s a good idea.

ANGELA
Your ideas are stupid.

PHYLLIS
It wasn’t my idea, it was Natalie’s.

ANGELA
And you agreed with it. That automatically makes it stupid.

NATALIE
On second thought, I think I want Phyllis to run the committee.

ANGELA
But you haven’t even had a chance to look at our party planning resumes. I was up all night working on it.

NATALIE
Yeah, but I really like Phyllis’ vision.

Phyllis smiles.

ANGELA
Fine. We’ll let the office decide.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Yeah, I really don't care who's head of the party planning committee. I mean, I really don't see why we have one any way. We never get anything done in our meetings. Angela always just calls me a whore, and then says she'll do everything herself.

ANGELA Talking Head:
The last time Phyllis was in charge of a party, she put fried twinkies on the party menu. They were disgusting, and they made me want to vomit. Is that who this office wants to plan their parties? Someone who makes them feel the urge to throw up?

INT – Michael’s Office

Jim and Dwight are seated in front of Michael’s desk, reading from the sheets of paper everyone has filled out.

JIM
Kelly would like to run her own fashion column in the Dunder Mifflin newsletter, because she thinks the people here make this office look ghetto. Her own words.

MICHAEL
Alright, so to prepare, I will have Kelly watch Project Runway, and she can make new and better clothes for everybody in the office. That was easy. Who’s next?

JIM
Oscar would like to be regional manager.

MICHAEL (laughs)
Yeah, right.

JIM
Why is that funny?

MICHAEL
Please. Oscar could never be manager. He’s a minority, and minorities never get the good jobs. That’s why they’re minorities. Also, to be a manager, you have to be competent. And smart, and good looking, and funny. And Oscar is none of those things.

JIM
I think Oscar’s pretty funny, actually.

MICHAEL
Funny looking? Maybe. But funny, funny? As in “LOL-funny”? I don’t think so. He never laughs at my jokes.

DWIGHT
Maybe he’d be better off in janitorial services.

MICHAEL
That’s true. Or he could be a lawn care specialist. A lot of Mexicans are very successful in the lawn mowing business. That’s it, we can have Oscar shadow the guys who mow our lawn here at our business park.

JIM
Yeah, I don't think-

MICHAEL
Think about it. He is the only one here who speaks their language. I don't know, I think that's fate.

JIM
Ok. Next. Dwight would like to be Assistant Regional Manager.

MICHAEL
But I already have an Assistant Regional Manager.

JIM
True, but I may be leaving soon.

MICHAEL
You don’t know that yet. Not for sure.

JIM
Yeah, but I’m supposed to hear back from a job. Today, actually.

MICHAEL
Ok. Then Dwight, you will shadow Jim.

DWIGHT
Jim has nothing to teach me. Have you even looked at his career survey yet? (He reads from Jim’s paper.) Jim aspires to be blank, and his goals are blankity blank. Does that sound like someone you would want to learn from? A person with a goal-less future and an empty mind?

JIM
That’s not fair. As Assistant Regional Manager, I feel that I have a lot of wisdom to pass down to you.

DWIGHT
Really? What are you going to teach me? How to torture people? How to style my hair to look like a six-year-old girl? Please. I should be teaching you.

MICHAEL
Nope. Jim is my right hand man, and you should be grateful that he is willing to pass down all of his wise wisdom.

DWIGHT
If Jim is your right hand man, that would make me your left hand man, which is just as important.

MICHAEL
Actually, I’m right handed which means my left hand is totally useless. Which effectively means that you are useless. In everything. Not just to me in this office, but in the entire world as well. And that's based totally on science, so- I think the facts speak for themselves.

DWIGHT
I will not shadow Jim. I would rather shadow a dog.

MICHAEL
And what, learn how to hump my leg?

JIM
Well, he already knows how to do that. He does it to me all of the time.

DWIGHT
I have never humped anyone's leg in this office, and even if I did, it would not be yours.

JIM
So you haven't in the office, but outside of the office-

DWIGHT
What happens in my personal life outside of the office, stays outside of the office.

JIM
Right.

Dwight stands up.

DWIGHT
I don't need to sit for this crap.

MICHAEL
Dwight, sit down.

Dwight sits back down.

JIM
Good dog.

INT – Office.

Jim walks over to Andy’s desk.

JIM
Andy. Today, you will be shadowing Michael.

ANDY
Righty-o, captain. I couldn’t agree more.

JIM
Agree to what?

ANDY
Playing Frisbee golf after work. That is what you said.

JIM
No. I didn’t.

ANDY
Are you sure that’s not what you said? Because that’s what I heard that you said.

JIM
Are you high?

ANDY
I’m high on life, if that’s what you’re suggesting.

JIM
No seriously, are you high?

ANDY
I don’t know.

JIM
Well, that probably means you are.

ANDY (nods)
Interesting.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Benadryl is a pretty lethal drug. It says on the box that it may cause drowsiness, but it doesn’t say that one of the side effects is that it may cause you to fall asleep at your computer and drool all over your keyboard… Which happened to me the last time I took it… I think I may have accidentally drugged Andy… Oops.

INT – Office.

The camera is focused on Jim and Dwight at their desks.

JIM
Also, Michael asks his Assistant Regional Managers to bring him a frappuccino every Tuesday and Wednesday. Unless it’s under 63 degrees outside. In that case, he'll want you to bring him a McSkillet burrito from the McDonalds in Dickson City.

DWIGHT
There’s a McDonalds less than a mile away on Washington. Why would Michael ask you to go to a McDonalds that’s five miles away in Dickson City?

JIM
Because the one in Dickson City makes better burritos.

DWIGHT
You're lying.

JIM
No.

DWIGHT
I have one trained eye on Michael at all times in this office. And I have never seen you give him anything, other than wiseass comments.

JIM
That’s because I deliver it to his house, before he leaves for work.

DWIGHT
Well. That’s… awfully nice of you.

JIM
Thank you, Dwight.

Dwight gets up and walks into the kitchen. Natalie walks by Jim’s desk.

NATALIE
You are so going to hell, I hope you know that.

Jim just smiles. As Natalie continues walking into the kitchen behind Dwight, we see Andy passed out with his head on the keyboard. The letter “J” is blinking repeatedly on his screen.

INT – Kitchen.

Kelly is talking to Oscar as Dwight walks past them into the restroom. Natalie starts rummaging through the refridgerator.

KELLY
And last night, on The Real World, Joey decided to leave the house because he has a drug problem or whatever, and then he told everybody that he tried to kill himself. It was so sad. And then the one girl, Brianna, she sang this totally awesome song with this hot guy from the band that sings that one song, “Wherever You Will Go”. I love that song. It was pretty amazing. Anyway, I should get back to work.

OSCAR
Ok.

Kelly exits the kitchen and walks back to her desk.

NATALIE
Real World fan?

OSCAR
Thirty minutes ago, I asked her if she could hand me this mug. I don’t remember anything she said after that.

Natalie laughs as Michael walks in.

MICHAEL
Natalie. I realized you never filled out one of these career goal thingies.

NATALIE
Oh. Well, I figured I’m only going to be here, what, another month? And I’m looking for something in the journalism field… So.

MICHAEL
That’s ridiculous. Who has ever heard of a successful journalist?

NATALIE
Um... Peter Jennings. Katie Couric.

MICHAEL
That's exactly what I mean. I've never heard of any of those people, which means they weren't very successful, now were they? No, you should stay here like the rest of us. You know our last temp, Ryan? He eventually went on to become my boss. That's a great American story for everyone.

OSCAR
Yeah, that ends with him in a federal prision.

MICHAEL
Not every story has a happy ending. Hey, I have an idea. You should shadow Kelly in customer service.

Natalie shakes her head vigorously.

NATALIE
No.

MICHAEL
Yes, that’s a great idea.

NATALIE
No. Please don’t punish me, Michael. I will… hook you up with one of my friends. Like you’ve been begging me to. Or… definitely one of their moms.

MICHAEL
That offer may have been good a couple weeks ago, but I'm already dating a hot MILF of my own. Jan Levinson, future hyphen Scott. So, it’s done. You will follow Kelly.

Natalie is left speechless and sighs in frustration. She goes to walk to the annex and sees Creed, sleeping under the kitchen table. She gives a bewildered look to the camera.

NATALIE
If this office was a Real World house, I would probably be the roommate who went postal because I would be surrounded by people who should probably be in an insane asylum. If I lived with Michael, and he made me hang out with Kelly for a day, I would definitely be rubbing his toothbrush in some leftover chicken grease, and then using it to clean the toilet.

INT – Michael’s office.

”This is Why I’m Hot” by Mims is playing through the speakers on Michael’s computer. Michael is nodding his head to the beat before busting out into a silly dance in his chair.

This is why I’m hot
This is why I’m hot
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
I’m hot ‘cus I’m fly
You ain’t ‘cus you not
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
I’m hot ‘cus I’m fly
You ain’t ‘cus you not
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.

Michael stops the song and smiles at the camera. The camera shows Darryl who is seated in front of Michael’s desk. He’s just staring, emotionless, at Michael.

MICHAEL (to the camera)
Yeah. I’m feelin’ it, dawg.

DARRYL
Dawg?

MICHAEL
Yeah. That's what all the black people are saying these days.

DARRYL
I don't say it.

MICHAEL
And that is why you are the whitest black person I have ever known. (He turns to the camera.) Corporate is making us follow people that we want to be like one day, and I have chosen to follow Darryl. Because, I've decided that I want to be more street, and more ethnic. More… ghetto fabulous. Because I am having a son. And when he’s born, he’s going to expect me to be young and hood smart. And more hippity with the hoppity. And who better to drop some urban knowledge than our resident Snoop Doggy Dogg and hip-hop expert, Darryl Philbin?

DARRYL
And what exactly makes me a hip-hop expert?

MICHAEL
You know, you should really consider another name. A lot of black rappers use fake names. I mean, come on. Philbin? You’re obviously not related to Regis.

DARRYL
I could be.

MICHAEL
How about… Lil’ Darryl. Or… Lil’ D.

DARRYL
I like my name, Mike.

MICHAEL
Prince D. Heavy D!

DARRYL
No.

MICHAEL
Well… think about it.

Angela knocks on the door and walks in.

ANGELA
Michael, I would like to call a meeting so that everyone can vote on the new head of the party planning committee.

MICHAEL
Why would we do that? We already have one.

ANGELA
Phyllis has proved to all of us that she is incapable of the job. And to be fair, I think we should all have a vote.

MICHAEL
Well, I don’t see why we have to have a meeting that has no point, but fine. Whatever. As long as whoever we vote for knows how to throw a kick ass bachelor baby shower party.

Angela rolls her eyes and walks out.

MICHAEL
So Darryl, any pointers for an inspiring, hip father like myself?

DARRYL
Well, for starters your attire is all wrong.

MICHAEL
Really?

DARRYL
Yeah. You have to gangsta it up a little.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I like that. Gangsta it up. Ok.

DARRYL
Yeah. You should probably lose the jacket.

Michael immediately removes his blazer.

MICHAEL
Done. What else.

DARRYL
Actually keep the jacket. Tie it around your waist. Maybe untuck your shirt, too. Oh, that baseball hat. On top of the cabinet. You’ll need that.

MICHAEL
Really?

DARRYL
Oh yeah. A baseball hat is very instrumental in pulling together the whole... gangsta ensemble.

MICHAEL
Yeah?

INT – Annex.

Natalie is standing by Kelly’s desk.

KELLY
Usually when I answer the phone, I answer it like this. “Dunder Mifflin, this is Kelly. How can I help you?” Of course, you wouldn’t say that, yours would be more like, “Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie. How can I help you?” Like that. That way as soon as you answer the phone, they know that your name is Natalie, and that you are here to help them. That’s the most important thing.

NATALIE
Ok.

KELLY
Also, you may want to start wearing pink a little more often.

NATALIE
What does that have to do with being in customer service?

KELLY
Well, I just think that by wearing pink, it automatically makes you look brighter and more colorful. When I see people wearing all black like that, it totally makes me feel dark and depressed like I want to kill myself. But I see people wearing pink, it makes them look SO happy. And that makes me happy. And as a customer-

Angela walks into the annex.

ANGELA
There’s a meeting in the conference room.

NATALIE
Oh, thank God.

KELLY Talking Head:
Training with Natalie is going totally awesome. I love training people and giving them advice on fashion. Natalie is a total train wreck, but I can totally help her. All she needs is a credit card with at least a $5,000 limit, a subscription to InStyle, and me as a shopping partner. Then she'll totally be like me. We could be like sisters. I've always wanted a sister. I mean like a real sister. Not stupid annoying ones like my actual sisters.

INT – Conference room.

Everyone is seated in chairs facing the front. Natalie walks in and sits beside Jim.

JIM
How’s shadowing with Kelly going?

NATALIE (in her best Kelly impersonation)
Oh, it’s totally awesome. Like, totally. Like, it’s so awesome, I think I want to kill myself.

JIM (nods approvingly)
Nice..

Dwight comes in and sits in front of Jim.

JIM
Oh, great. This will be good practice for you.

Jim goes to hand Dwight a legal pad and a pen.

DWIGHT
What are you talking about? What's that for?

JIM
Well, Michael always has me write down all of his meetings word-for-word.

DWIGHT
That's ridiculous.

JIM
Fine. I guess maybe I should start training someone else as my successor. I think Creed shows huge potential.

DWIGHT
Give me the pad.

MICHAEL
Alright! Let’s get this party started up in hurr!

The camera swivels and shows Michael walking into the conference room. His shirt is untucked and his blazer is tied around his waist. He’s wearing a baseball cap backwards, and he has several gold yogurt lids hanging from his neck. The camera focuses down to show his tie tied around one of his ankles.

JIM
Wow. Were you kidnapped by a gang of thugs?

MICHAEL
What? No. This is how I usually dress outside of work. I’m Gangsta Mike. This is why I am hot.

ANGELA
You look ridiculous.

NATALIE
I know. He looks like Ghetto Eye for the Business Guy.

MICHAEL
Why must you ladies always be such a player haters. Seriously, though. On the realz.

JIM
I see Darryl has been teaching you phrases again.

MICHAEL
Fo shizzle.

ANGELA
Ok. We called this meeting because we need everyone to vote on a new head-

MICHAEL
That’s what she said!

ANGELA
-of the party planning committee. Ever since Phyllis has run it into the ground.

Michael takes a seat in the front next to Andy who has his head thrown back, his mouth wide open as he’s passed out again.

KEVIN
But I like Phyllis’ parties.

OSCAR
Yeah, the fried twinkies were delicious.

Everyone mumbles their agreement.

ANGELA
Ok, well, look at our history. Phyllis only has four parties under her belt. And they were all a disaster. Remember Michael’s birthday? She almost killed Meredith.

DWIGHT
That wasn’t the first time Meredith had a near death experience.

MEREDITH
I know. I’m starting to think everyone in this office is out to get me.

ANGELA
I, on the other hand, have planned a total of 97 parties, including the 05/05/05 party, the 06/06/06 party, even though I specifically requested that day off because it was marked by the devil, AND the 07/07/07 party.

MICHAEL
Oh yeah. Those were some classic parties, fo sho.

DWIGHT
Fo... sho... How do you spell that?

MICHAEL
What are you writing?

DWIGHT
A transcript of the meeting, like you always make Jim do.

MICHAEL
What?

JIM
Well, I think that in order for all of the citizens of this workforce to be non-discriminatory, that we should take part in a general election and vote for the next homosapien that is to be in charge of planning all of our upcoming inner-office festivities.

DWIGHT
I didn't get all that, slow down. Say it again.

JIM
Sorry, I don't remember.

DWIGHT
You just said it.

JIM
Bad short-term memory.

DWIGHT
Michael, I will just write down, "Jim said something stupid."

MICHAEL
Why are you writing anything down?

ANGELA
I will hand out a sheet of paper with both Phyllis' and my name on it. You will circle the name of the person you want as head of the party planning committee.

Jim raises his hand.

ANGELA
What?

JIM
Can we have a write-in vote?

ANGELA
No.

JIM
Well, that's very un-democratic of you.

ANGELA
No one else in this office is even qualified.

NATALIE
And that's very prejudiced of you.

ANGELA
Fine. Write-in candidates are allowed. If they are qualified.

JIM (in a tiny, girly voice)
Yayyy.

Natalie smiles at him and nods.

NATALIE
Yay for Democracy.

MICHAEL
Word to your moms. We came to drop bombs.

Natalie makes a face, trying to hold back a laugh.

NATALIE
What was that?

JIM
I think that's a song.

MICHAEL
Nope, it is an urban expression.

JIM
Yup, it's definitely a song. By white people.

NATALIE
House of Pain? I think they were Irish actually.

MICHAEL
Black Irish people? Do they even exist?

Angela starts handing out the pieces of paper. She goes to hand one to Andy who's still asleep with his mouth wide open.

ANGELA
Andy.

He doesn't respond, so she kicks him in the shin.

ANGELA
Andrew!

Andy wakes up and looks disoriented.

ANDY
Whoa. Angela. Hey. What time is it? I'm going to be late for work.

ANGELA
You're already at work.

ANDY
I gotta take a shower! Eat my Wheaties. Breakfast of champions.

Andy walks out of the conference room and heads toward the restrooms as everyone watches him in confusion. Natalie just raises her eyebrows at the camera.

KEVIN
My piece of paper only has Angela's name on it.

MEREDITH
Yeah. Mine too.

PHYLLIS
Angela. Are you trying to fix the election?

ANGELA
No.

PHYLLIS
Everyone just write down your vote on the other side then. And remember, I would always give you an option. I'm a fair person. Unlike Angela.

Angela scowls at Phyllis.

The camera moves from the office into the kitchen to spy on Andy. Andy has a plastic fork in his hand and he takes a bottle of squeezable Mayonaise, squirting it onto the fork. He takes the fork and starts brushing his teeth with it.

***

INT – Office

The Scranton employees are filtering out of the conference room. Angela is at the door, collecting everybody’s votes.

ANGELA
Thank you for voting. Thank you for voting.

Dwight goes to walk past her, and slows to a stop as they share one of their "special" glances. Angela smiles.

ANGELA
Thank you for voting, Dwight.

DWIGHT (whispers)
You’re welcome, Monkey.

Phyllis approaches Angela at the door.

PHYLLIS
We should probably have someone add up all the votes.

ANGELA
Dwight can do it. He’s very reliable.

DWIGHT
Whatever you need. I am an excellent counter of things.

PHYLLIS
Yeah, right.

ANGELA
Is there a problem, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS
Maybe we should find someone who can fairly count the votes.

ANGELA
Like who?

PHYLLIS
Um, Jim!

Jim was just headed out of the conference room, and stops to give the camera a horrifed look.

INT – Conference room.

Jim, Phyllis and Angela are seated at the conference room table. Jim is at the head of the table reading off tiny sheets of paper with Phyllis and Angela on either side of him.

JIM
Ok. So it looks like we have three votes for Angela, three for Phyllis, two for Barack Obama, one for P-Dawg, I have a blank sheet of paper, and one person chose Richard Nixon.

PHYLLIS
Oh, P-Dawg counts.

Jim looks at Phyllis, who just smiles.

PHYLLIS
Michael calls me that sometimes.

ANGELA
No, Phyllis, it doesn’t count. This solves nothing. Other than proving that I’m surrounded by idiots.

JIM (takes offense)
Hey.

PHYLLIS
Well, now how are we supposed to decide?

Michael walks into the conference room. He's thankfully dressed normal again in his regular business attire.

MICHAEL
What’s the decision?

ANGELA
We don’t know yet.

MICHAEL
Oh, come on. It should not be this difficult. Fine, you know what? I will decide. Everybody close your eyes, and think of a number between 1 and 10. Whoever has the highest number wins. Angela, starts with A, first letter of the alphabet, you go first.

ANGELA
This is ridiculous.

MICHAEL
Angela forfeits. Phyllis, you win by default. Congratulations.

PHYLLIS (beams)
Alright!

ANGELA
Ok, I’ll pick a number. Ten.

MICHAEL
Too late shorty, I already awarded the position to Phyllis.

ANGELA
This isn’t fair.

MICHAEL
Life isn’t fair, Tiny Tim, otherwise God would’ve given you bigger boobs. Am I right?

JIM
Yikes. That is inappropriate.

MICHAEL
But true! Now are we done here? Jim, I need to see you in my office please.

INT – Kitchen

Oscar and Stanley are sitting at the kitchen table across from one another.

OSCAR
So who did you vote for?

STANLEY
Nobody. The more parties we have in this office, the less work I’m able to get done, and the less money I’m able to make.

Angela walks into the kitchen, obviously upset, and storms into the woman’s restroom. Oscar looks at Stanley who just rolls his eyes.

OSCAR
Do you think maybe we should check on her?

STANLEY (Sighs)
Probably just that time of the month.

Oscar frowns.

INT – Michael’s office.

Jim and Michael enter Michael’s office and stop in the doorway when they see Dwight dusting all of Michael’s toys on top of his desk with a feather duster.

MICHAEL
Dwight, what the hell are you doing?

DWIGHT
I’m dusting your toy collection.

Jim shoots a mischievous smile at the camera.

DWIGHT
Jim said you have your Assistant Regional Manager do it once a week. I also cleaned your windows.

Dwight raises the blinds on the windows.

DWIGHT
Look, no streaks. I used a special glass cleaner. It’s my own secret formula.

MICHAEL
Dwight, you’re training to become an assistant manager, not my personal housekeeper. Although, that position is still open if you’re interested.

DWIGHT
But Jim said he always does it.

MICHAEL
Jim? Is that true?

JIM
…Yes. Sometimes when you leave your office, I come in and dust your office furniture. Because the truth is, Michael, you are… kind of messy.

MICHAEL
What? Why are you just now telling me this?

JIM
Well, I didn’t want to tell you because… I know that you’re easily offended. So-

MICHAEL
I can’t believe you would say that about me.

Jim looks at the camera, slightly amused.

JIM
Oh.

DWIGHT
I’m going to go change the urinal cakes in the mens' bathroom, because Jim says that’s another responsibility of the Assistant Regional Manager. Even though he’s obviously been slacking. The mens' bathroom has smelled like a hamster cage for over a month

MICHAEL
Yeah, whatever. Do what you have to do, Dwight. Oh, if you’re going to clean the bathroom, see if you can get a candle that smells more like a bakery, less like a cheap hooker’s perfume.

DWIGHT
I think the woman’s bathroom has one that smells like cookies.

MICHAEL
I want you to get it and put it in our bathroom. But if anybody asks, tell them Creed stole it. Steal all of the toilet paper, too, and put it under his desk. In case anyone gets suspicious.

DWIGHT
I’m on it.

Dwight leaves the office and Jim takes a seat in front of Michael’s desk.

MICHAEL
So have you heard back from your new job yet?

Michael takes a seat on top of his desk, in front of Jim.

JIM
No, but it should be any minute now.

MICHAEL
Alright. Well, once a teacher, always a teacher.

JIM
Um, I think that’s cheater.

MICHAEL
What?

JIM
What does once a teacher, always a teacher mean?

MICHAEL
Something important, I don’t know. It’s an expression.

JIM
Right.

JIM Talking Head:
Michael always tells me, “I stayed at this job for ten years, Jim. And look how I turned out.”

He stares into the camera for a moment.

JIM
So I think we all know that I need this job.

INT – Kitchen

Dwight walks into the kitchen and comes to a stop in front of the woman’s restroom. He sniffs a couple of times, as if he is picking up someone’s scent.

DWIGHT
A female in this office is in trouble.

He puts his ear to the door of the restroom and hears someone crying.

DWIGHT
Monkey? (There’s no response.) If your name is Angela, tap on the door three times.

ANGELA
Go away!

INT – Woman’s bathroom.

The door opens to reveal Angela sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. Dwight walks in and slowly approaches the couch, taking a seat beside her.

DWIGHT
Tell me who did this to you, Monkey.

ANGELA
Michael picked Phyllis as head of the party planning committee, and then he insulted my fragile, petite figure.

DWIGHT
Well, I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

Angela looks up and glares at him, then looks at the camera angrily.

ANGELA
Not helping.

DWIGHT
Sorry.

Angela puts her head back in her hands. Dwight places a hand on Angela’s shoulder to comfort her.

DWIGHT
I know you are the best person for the job. That’s why I voted for you.

Angela sobs.

DWIGHT
Do you know what I think?

ANGELA (through hiccuping sobs)
Wh-what?

DWIGHT
I think anyone who didn’t vote for you is an idiot.

Angela looks up at Dwight solemnly, and manages a small smile. Dwight smiles back.

INT – Office

Jim walks out of Michael’s office and approaches Natalie at reception.

JIM
Do I have any messages?

NATALIE
No. But the great ol’ city of New York air-mailed you a package.

Natalie smiles and hands Jim a box. Jim smiles.

JIM
Wow. Cool.

Michael emerges from his office.

MICHAEL
Andy, can I see you in my office please?

The camera pans to show Andy, once again, asleep at his desk. Michael sighs in frustration as the camera follows his journey over to Andy’s desk.

MICHAEL
And this guy thinks he has what it takes to be Regional Manager. This is the future of Dunder Mifflin. You put the company in Andy’s hands, and this company will fail. Look at his face. That… is the face of failure. Because you cannot learn everything you need to know about being the boss of everyone when you’re asleep. Andy gets an F for the day.

JIM
F for failure?

MICHAEL
Failure, freak… friggin’ stupid... Andy is all of those things.

Jim smiles at the camera from where he’s standing at reception. Michael takes a permanent marker and sloppily draws an “F” on Andy’s forehead. Dwight and Angela enter the office from the kitchen and pause behind Stanley's desk. Angela’s face is still red from crying earlier. Michael turns to face them.

MICHAEL
Oh, gross, what’s wrong with your face? Blech! You look even less hot than normal.

DWIGHT
Michael, don’t-

MICHAEL
I mean, you were always number three after Pam and Holly, but now I would even put you behind Meredith.

PHYLLIS
Number three what?

MICHAEL
Women in the office I would sleep with.

Everyone in the office gasps.

JIM
Michael. That's not-

MICHAEL
What? Pam is number one. You should take it as a compliment.

Jim shakes his head solemnly as he stares into the camera. Natalie is giving Michael a horrified look.

MICHAEL
Natalie, you would be number three, but you’re only temporary. So technically, not part of the office.

NATALIE
Uh… thank… you?

DWIGHT
Michael, I will not tolerate you talking to Angela that way.

MICHAEL
Come on Dwight, I mean look at her! She looks like she was kicked in the face by a mule.

Dwight stares at Michael, and clenches his fists as he loses his temper.

DWIGHT
Angela is a beautiful woman. She is the most beautiful woman in this office and probably in the whole entire world. And she is smart, she is funny, and her hair always looks really, really nice. And I love her.

Everyone in the office quickly exchange confused glares.

DWIGHT
So I’m sorry Michael, but I will not let you treat Angela the way you treat every other woman in this office, because Angela isn’t like any other woman. She is the best.

MICHAEL
Ok. Easy Dwight, I was just joking around. Geez. Take a chill pill, man.

Michael turns and retreats back to his office as Dwight keeps his posture intact: fists clenched, chest puffed out, breathing heavier than normal through his mouth. Angela looks around the office nervously and quickly runs over to her desk in accounting. Jim looks at the camera nervously.

DWIGHT Talking Head:
Dwight is obviously sweating from nervousness.
No, I never said that I love Angela… Pssh. Sometimes I think people only hear what they want to hear… (beat) Even if I did say that I love Angela, it’s only because I love and respect her as a person. And, as people, we should all… love and respect one another.

INT – Office.

Things have returned to normal in the office and the camera is focused on both Jim and Dwight who are sitting at their desks. Jim’s phone rings. He answers it.

JIM
Jim Halpert…

He immediately smiles, recognizing who it is.

JIM
Oh, hi Mr. Lewis, I’m doing great how are you? (Beat) Oh, good. (There’s a pause as Jim’s attitude quickly changes and his face falls in disappointment.) Oh. (Beat) No, that’s… That’s fine, I completely understand.

Natalie looks up from her desk, realizing that Jim didn’t get the job. She bites her lip, and looks down at her desk sadly.

JIM (still on the phone)
Yeah… (Beat) Alright, well I appreciate you taking the time to call. (Beat) Yup. (Beat) Alright. (Beat) Thank you. Bye.

Jim hangs up the phone and stares at his desk for a moment, trying to comprehend what just happened. Dwight looks over at him. He, too, appears to be upset for Jim.

DWIGHT
I’m sorry you didn’t get the job, Jim. I’m sure you made an excellent candidate.

JIM (sighs)
Yeah… There’s always next time, right?

Jim tries to force a smile, but fails at it as Kelly walks over to him.

KELLY
Hey Jim, do you think you could call this client back for me? They haven’t received the order they placed with you over a week ago.

JIM
Yeah. Sure thing, Kelly.

KELLY
Thanks.

She sits the paperwork on the still unopened box atop his desk. He puts the paperwork aside and grabs a letter opener to open the package. He first pulls out a post-it from Pam that reads, "Now you're 2 Cool for Skool!" and starts pulling out school supplies, including a set of "Hot Wheels" pencils, a stack of folders that feature the Ninja Turtles, the Phillies, and the Philadelphia Eagles, a tiny stapler, and a box of red Sharpies. He pulls out the last item, which is a 5x7 of Pam's dorky senior high school yearbook photo. He softly smiles to himself as he stares at the picture.

INT - Office

Some time has passed as it is now the end of the day. The employees start packing up and heading out of the office, and Michael's final talking head serves as a voice over as we watch everyone file out of the office.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
When I was little, I wanted to be an astronaut. Then I wanted to be a doctor...

INT - Office.

Phyllis and Stanley leave their desks and walk out together. The camera shows Andy, still passed out at his desk. Someone has laid a stack of paperwork on top of his head.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
...I would’ve made a great doctor. Like a regular Patch Adams. But, I’m happy with the way things turned out...

INT - Office

Angela is walking past an empty reception desk at the same time as Dwight, and they share a smile as he follows her out the door.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
...I have a great job. I live in a condo, which I also own. And thanks to some bizarre miracle, I’m going to be a little kid’s daddy. Because in the end, it’s not about the kind of job you have, or how successful you are, or what you look like...

INT - Office.

Jim replaces one of the outdated photos on his desk with Pam's yearbook photo and smiles as he turns off his computer and puts on his jacket.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
It’s about having people in your life that you love and who love you...

INT - Michael's Office.

Michael is sitting behind his desk and smiles at the camera.

MICHAEL
...And that’s all that matters.