JHalpert: Good day.
PBeesly: Hola.
JHalpert: QUESTION. What can make our very annoying boss even more annoying?
PBeesly: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know!
JHalpert: Yes, that pretty little lady at the desk.
PBeesly: Hey, don’t pick Angela!
JHalpert: I’m picking you, psycho.
PBeesly: Well I’m not the only woman sitting at a desk, psycho.
JHalpert: I said pretty. And Angela scares me.
PBeesly: Anyway, I know the answer to your question.
JHalpert: What is the answer?
PBeesly: A camera crew!!!
JHalpert: Ah, yes. The crew. Speaking of which, did you fill out your release form yet?
PBeesly: Yes sir.
JHalpert: I dare you to put “No thank you” where it asks you for your sex.
PBeesly: Think about how old you are, Jim. You’re a grown man.
JHalpert: Grown men know what’s funny.
JHalpert: Well, except Michael.
PBeesly: I was gonna say.
JHalpert: So did you do it?
PBeesly: “Sex: No thank you.”
JHalpert: Yay. I’m buying you a bag of chips later.
PBeesly: Do you know what kind?
JHalpert: Uh…
JHalpert: I wanna say it starts with an “h”…
PBeesly: French onion.
JHalpert: Knew it.
JHalpert: Oh, goody. Michael’s asking me into his office. With the cameras. Kill me now.
PBeesly: No thank you.
JHalpert has signed off

-

JHalpert has signed on.
JHalpert: He called me young grasshopper.
PBeesly: Ouch.
JHalpert: And he called one of our female clients “sir.”
PBeesly: Ouch.
JHalpert: And the cameras were there.
PBeesly: Ouch.
JHalpert: Okay, it’s hard to believe your sympathy when I’m just a couple feet away from your desk.
JHalpert: I can hear you snickering, madam.
PBeesly: Grown women know what’s funny.
JHalpert: Damn you.
PBeesley is away.
JHalpert: Hello?
Auto Response from PBeesly: Michael is introducing me to the cameras. When will death come?
PBeesly is back from away.
JHalpert: So, in the future, what do we do with faxes from corporate?
PBeesly: Throw them away.
JHalpert: Good girl.
PBeesly: :-P
JHalpert: So, what did you look like a couple years ago?
PBeesly: I will kill you.
JHalpert: Well, you could’ve done that like, twenty minutes ago when I wanted to die. Now I do not.
PBeesly: Fine, I will spare you, mortal.
JHalpert: Thank you.
PBeesly: You’re welcome.
JHalpert has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: WHASSAAAAP?
JHalpert: WHASAAAAAAAAAP?
PBeesly: WHASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP?
JHalpert: You win.
PBeesly: Don’t I always?
PBeesly: Gotta go, meeting with Jan.
JHalpert: Godspeed.
PBeesly has signed off.

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert: How was it?
PBeesly: Ugh.
JHalpert: What did you learn?
PBeesly: Todd Packer called to ask if Jan’s curtains match her drapes.
JHalpert: Do they?
PBeesly: Be quiet.
JHalpert: What did they talk about? Besides Jan, I mean.
PBeesly: Downsizing.
JHalpert: Yikes.
PBeesly: Well, at least the conversation involved Michael. So it was entertaining.
JHalpert: You’re glass-half-full kind of girl.
PBeesly: Angela is having a cat party.
JHalpert: A WHAT?
PBeesly: Come talk to me. Now.
JHalpert has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: Did Dwight fall and pierce an organ?
JHalpert: I wish. He killed my beautiful fort with his phone.
PBeesly: Oh, please don’t fake cry, Jim.
DKSchrute has signed on.
DKSchrute: Stop crying, you girl. If you ever attempt to use pointy objects as a way to harm me ever again, I will be forced to use my green-belt skills on you.
DKSchrute has signed off.
JHalpert: Don’t laugh at me.
PBeesly: I can’t help it.
JHalpert: One word, two syllables. Shut it.
PBeesly: That’s two words.
JHalpert: Conference room meeting!
PBeesly: Oh, we haven’t had one of those in oh… a few hours?
JHalpert: It’ll be the first one with the cameras.
JHalpert: We’ll get to go see how everybody reacts to them.
PBeesly: I’m there.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: Stalker.
JHalpert: Excuse me?
PBeesly: How do you know my favorite flavor of yogurt?
JHalpert: Um…
JHalpert is away.
PBeesly: Hello?
Auto Response from JHalpert: Watch this, Beesly.
PBeesly: YOU PUT DWIGHT’S STAPLER IN JELL-O?!?
JHalpert is back from away.
JHalpert: It’s a compliment. Jell-o is delicious.
PBeesly: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight’s personal effects in Jell-o.
JHalpert: You know, guffawing is very un-lady-like.
PBeesly: I can’t help it. That prank took the cake.
JHalpert: Niiiice.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

PBeesly: Hi, sorry I couldn’t go out for drinks with you guys.
JHalpert: Oh. No big deal.
JHalpert: I have to go. Phone.
PBeesly: Oh. Okay.
JHalpert has signed off.

JHalpert: Hey.
PBeesly: Hi.
PBeesly: Guess what today is?
JHalpert: Diversity Day!
PBeesly: Good job!
JHalpert: What do I win?
PBeesly: No points awarded.
JHalpert: What is Diversity Day?
PBeesly: Putting your answer in Jeopardy! format won’t get you a prize, sorry.
JHalpert: You need to talk to Alex Trebek.
PBeesly: I’ll put it on my bucket list.
JHalpert: Gotta go, super-important client.
PBeesly: All righty.
JHalpert is away.
JHalpert is back from away.
JHalpert: He made me hang up on a client.
PBeesly: You turned off his paper shredder.
JHalpert: Tit for tit.
PBeesly: Exactly.
JHalpert: Someday I’m going to kill him.
PBeesly: Don’t you tell me that!
JHalpert: …?
PBeesly: Now I’m an accomplice.
JHalpert: Good, we can rot in jail together.
PBeesly: That would be fun. Without the “rot” and the “jail” part.
JHalpert: Well that just wouldn’t be a proper sentence.
PBeesly: Gotta go, important business stuff!
JHalpert: Since when did “Solitaire” become a euphemism for “business?”
PBeesly has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: Oh. My. God. I’m traumatized. For life.
JHalpert: Me, too. That was awful.
PBeesly: He reenacted the situation that caused us to have that meeting in the first place.
JHalpert: I was there. Unfortunately.
PBeesly: Now he’s mocking the form we had to sign.
JHalpert: Did we already go over how I was there?
PBeesly: I’m sorry, I’m still suffering. I’m scarred for life.
JHalpert: Oh, but wait, there’s more.
PBeesly: Not another conference room meeting.
JHalpert: Stay strong, Beesly.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert: Still sleepy?
PBeesly: I’m sorry, that was embarrassing.
JHalpert: I thought it was cute!
PBeesly: So anyway, what did you say in your talking head?
JHalpert: Oh, I just mocked Michael. The usual.
PBeesly: Awesome.
JHalpert: Yep.
PBeesly: So what did you think of Diversity Tomorrow?
JHalpert: It was even worse than Diversity Today.
PBeesly: And we thought that it wasn’t possible.
PBeesly: At least you got to skip out for a little bit.
JHalpert: Yeah, so I could listen to my client explain how he was stolen by Dwight.
PBeesly: I still would’ve drank the champagne if I were you.
JHalpert: That was a crime of passion.
PBeesly: Just like Kelly slapping Michael!
JHalpert: That was amazing. I have no words.
PBeesly: Oh, no! Now we can’t chat anymore! :-(
JHalpert: I still have letters. And phrases. :-)
PBeesly: Yay!
JHalpert: Unfortunately, I also have to go.
PBeesly: Boo.
JHalpert: Later, Pam.
PBeesly: Bye, Jim.
JHalpert has signed off.

JHalpert: Pam-a-lamma-ding-dong!
PBeesly: Don't.
JHalpert: Makin' copies!
PBeesly: I'm still not making any copies.
JHalpert: Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays.
PBeesly: I will hurt you.
JHalpert: A case of the Michaels?
PBeesly: That's more like it.
JHalpert: Jan's here!
PBeesly: The ice queen cometh!
PBeesly: Roll out the blue carpet!

-

JHalpert: So you actually do not watch Trading Spouses.
PBeesly: Never have, most likely never will.
JHalpert: And yet this is coming from someone that watches guys who overuse the word "fabulous" and speak in the third person while a creepy old guy tries to be 40 years younger than he really is.
PBeesly: Don't you dare insult Project Runway. Project Runway didn't do anything to you.
PBeesly: How do you know that anyway?
JHalpert: What?
PBeesly: Oh my God. You watch Project Runway.
JHalpert: What?! I do not!
PBeesly: You totally do! You do watch it!
JHalpert is away.
PBeesly: Don't run from the truth, Jim.
Auto Response from JHalpert: I do not watch Project Runway. Michael conference, whee!

-

JHalpert is back from away.
PBeesly: So what did Michael want?
JHalpert: For me to do his only difficult job ever.
PBeesly: So is Dwight doing it not?
JHalpert: Of course.
PBeesly: What's the job?
JHalpert: Assigning the health care plan.
PBeesly: Oh, JHalpertm. God, no.
JHalpert: What?
PBeesly: He's probably only going to give us permission to go to free clinics.
JHalpert: Yeah right, it's his health plan, too.
PBeesly: I once overheard him saying he make his own Tylonel.
JHalpert: Oh, no.
PBeesly: Here comes the memo...
JHalpert: No dental, no nothing. I am so sorry.
PBeesly: Say it out loud.
JHalpert: What?
PBeesly: Tell me you are sorry out loud. I want other people to hear you say it.
JHalpert: There, now Angela is giving me even harsher looks than usual and Dwight is just staring at me from his "workspace." Are you happy now?
PBeesly: Insanely.
PBeesly: Let's go complain. I just lost my Solitaire game.
JHalpert: Let's do it.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly has signed on.
PBeesly: Oh, I forgot to ask: How do you spell that teeth-dripping disease?
JHalpert: You mean S-P-O-N-T-A-N-E-O-U-S D-E-N-T-A-L H-Y-D-R-O-P-L-O-S-I-O-N?
PBeesly: Thank you :-)
JHalpert: No problem.
JHalpert: How many STDs should I try to put on Michael's form while he's gone?
PBeesly: If you get ten I'll buy you a grape soda.
JHalpert: Done.
Auto Response from JHalpert: Important paper business.
JHalpert is back from away.
PBeesly: So how many did you get in?
PBeesly: Oh, God, do not say "that's what she said."
JHalpert: That's what she said.
PBeesly: I am so dissapointed.
JHalpert: You wouldn't be able to help yourself, either.
PBeesly: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
JHalpert: Fine, I will. I bet you won't be able to hold out for this long, though.
JHalpert: Nothing?
JHalpert: Come on, Pam, don't make this longer and harder than it needs to be.
PBeesly: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
PBeesly: Dammit!
JHalpert: I'm awesome.

-

JHalpert: Did you enjoy your ice cream sandwich?
PBeesly: No, but I'm almost positive the trash can did.
PBeesly: Did you enjoy your grape soda?
Jhalpert: Have I ever not enjoyed a grape soda?
PBeesly: This is true.
JHalpert: Oh, boy, a meeting with Dwight!
PBeesly: Yay.
P has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on to Mobile IM.
PBeesly has signed on to Mobile IM.
JHalpert: Michael is so lame.
PBeesly: What was the big surprise?
JHalpert: I'll tell you what it wasn't: existent.
PBeesly: Funsies.
JHalpert: Yep. Tons. Why didn't you stick around to find out?
PBeesly: Oh, I had to meet Roy early, he's gotten kinda mad lately when I've been late to meet him at the warehouse.
JHalpert: Oh, okay. Well, I have to go bang my head against the wall and remind myself that I will not have to work with Michael and Dwight forever.
PBeesly: As long as there is a God.
JHalpert: Exactly.
PBeesly: Have fun, Halpert.
JHalpert: See you tomorrow, Beesly.
PBeesly has signed off of Mobile IM.
JHalpert has signed off of Mobile IM.

PBeesly: What’s the haps, Slim Jim?
JHalpert: Are you okay?
PBeesly: Yeppers.
JHalpert: Michael?
PBeesly: Yeah?
PBeesly: I mean who? This is Pam.
JHalpert: Michael, did you get the IT to hack Pam’s IM for you?
PBeesly: Who’s Michael?
JHalpert: Pam would still know who you are, Michael.
PBeesly: Damn it.
PBeesly has signed off.
PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert: Michael hacked your account.
PBeesly: I know. He added himself - twice - to every group in my buddy list.
JHalpert: I am so sorry.
PBeesly: I just called the IT guy. He promises to never help Michael again.
JHalpert: Isn‘t that how he gets paid, though?
PBeesly: I think corporate would understand.
JHalpert: Touche.

-

JHalpert: Dwight moved the water cooler, didn’t he?
PBeesly: Yeah, I was the one that had to clean up the carpet.
PBeesly: Oh, joy, I get to go have a one-on-one with Michael.
JHalpert: I would kill to be you right now!
PBeesly: Did Michael hack your account, too?
JHalpert: Whoops, did I say “kill to be you”? I meant. “kill myself if I were you.” ;)
PBeesly: :-P Off I go.
PBeesly is away.
JHalpert: I love making faces on IM. :-O
Auto Response from PBeesly: Smilies are amazing! ;-) :-D ;-*
PBeesly is back from away.
PBeesly: Ugh.
JHalpert: What?
PBeesly: To words: Star Trek impression.
JHalpert: That’s three…
PBeesly: Oh God. I think being around Michael lowered my IQ.
PBeesly: Jim, ask me a hard question, quick!
JHalpert: Um… What’s the capital of Greece?
PBeesly: Athens!
JHalpert: Guy that they named sideburns after?
PBeesly: Ambrose Burnsides!
JHalpert: What is Donald Trump’s daughter’s name?
PBeesly: Ivanka!
JHalpert: 3 for 3, I think you’ll be okay.
PBeesly: Thank you.
PBeesly: Oh, no! Party planning! Saaave…
PBeesly is away.
JHalpert: Saaaave what?
Auto Response from PBeesly: …meeee!

-

PBeesly has returned from away.
JHalpert: Okay, no matter how badly your meeting went, I need to talk to you. Now.
PBeesly: You are talking to me. And I don’t want to stop playing Solitaire.
JHalpert: In person. Dwight wants to form an alliance with me.
PBeesly: Solitaire canceled.
JHalpert: Excellent.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly has signed on.
PBeesly: So what were you doing talking to Dwight in the parking lot?
JH: I told him Toby and Kevin are forming an alliance. :-)
PBeesly: And?
JHalpert: He punched my car.
PBeesly: So how did you come about this alliance-forming information.
JHalpert: I pretended to talk to them about alliances and then lied to Dwight.
PBeesly: So what did you really talk about?
JHalpert: Sandwiches. :-D
PBeesly: *air high five!*
JHalpert: So how much money are you giving to Oscar’s charity thingy?
PBeesly: A dollar per mile. You?
JHalpert: 3 bucks per mile.
PBeesly: You’re so sweet I’m getting diabetes!
JHalpert: You’re so cheesy I could make you into one of my famous sandwiches. :-)
PBeesly: Lightbulb! I have a plan for the alliance scheme.
JHalpert: You are very random.
JHalpert: What is it?
PBeesly: I am going to go up to your desk and pretend that Michael was talking to me about downsizing.
JHalpert: Let the plan commence!
PBeesly is away.
JHalpert is away.

-

PBeesly is back from away.
JHalpert is back from away.
JHalpert: Oh my God. That was beautiful. Dwight is freaking out.
PBeesly: Thank you, thank you very much. What did you go talk to the cameras about?
JHalpert: Sandwiches. :-D
PBeesly: What? Tell me what you were talking about!
JHalpert: Sorry, gotta meet with Dwight. He keeps sending me morse code.
PBeesly: Sending you morse code?
JHalpert: I will copy and paste.
JHalpert:
From: DKSchrute@PennsylvaniaPaper.com
To: JHalpert@gmail.com
Subject: Secret Business.
.--- .. -- --..-- .-- . / -. . . -.. / - --- / -.. .. ... -.-. ..- ... ... / .--. .-.. .- -. ... / - --- / ... .--. -.-- / --- -. / - .... . / -.-. --- ..- .--. .-.. . / -- . . - .. -. --. / -.. ..- .-. .. -. --. / -- . .-. .. -.. .. - .... .----. ... / -... .. .-. - .... -.. .- -.-- / .--. .- .-. - -.-- .-.-.- / -.-. --- -. - .- -.-. - / -- . / .. -- -- . -.. .. .- - . .-.. -.-- / .- ..-. - . .-. / .-. . -.-. . .. ...- .. -. --. / - .... .. ... / -- . ... ... .- --. . .-.-.- / .. - / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -. --- - / ... . .-.. ..-. -....- -.. . ... - .-. ..- -.-. - .-.-.- -.-. --- .-. -.. .. .- .-.. .-.. -.-- --..-- -.. .-- .. --. .... - .-.-.-
PBeesly: I am not even going to take the time to translate that.
JHalpert: Basically, he wants me to talk to him about a way to spy on the alliance meeting at Meredith’s party.
PBeesly: What alliance?
JHalpert: This is where you come in.
PBeesly: Come tell me in person, Dwight keeps eyeing your computer.
JHalpert: Done.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert: He’s in a box.
PBeesly: Who’s in a box?
JHalpert: You’ll just have to come find out!
PBeesly: Don’t you usually come to my desk? :-)
JHalpert: Do you want to find out?
PBeesly: …
JHalpert: Fine, I’m coming. :-P
PBeesly: :-)
PBeesly is away.

-

PBeesly is back from away.
PBeesly: Oh my God, he was in a box.
JHalpert: Now why would I lie about that?
PBeesly: I almost died laughing.
JHalpert: Glad you lived to tell the tale.
JHalpert: OH MY GOD. I have got to come talk to you. I just convinced Dwight to
JHalpert: Never mind I’ll tell you in person.
PBeesly: Hurry!
JHalpert: It’s like, four seconds away.
PBeesly: Shut up and get over here!
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

JHalpert has signed on to Mobile IM.
PBeesly has signed on to Mobile IM.
PBeesly: Hey.
JHalpert: Hi.
PBeesly: I’m really sorry about Roy. He can get kind of overprotective.
JHalpert: Yeah, kind of.
JHalpert: At least I still have my face.
PBeesly: There is that. :-)
PBeesly: Just, again. I’m really sorry.
JHalpert: Not your fault. I’m sorry, too.
PBeesly: For what?
JHalpert: Oh, um.
JHalpert: Nothing. See you tomorrow.
PBeesly: Bye, Jim.
PBeesly has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

Jim hit the “end” button on his phone with more force than was necessary to exit Mobile IM. He wanted to tell Pam he was sorry she had an overly aggressive fiancé who barely knew who she was. He wanted to say he was sorry he didn’t have the guts to tell her how horribly she and Roy went together, like oil and water. He almost wanted to say he was sorry he was in love with an engaged woman, but that was one thing he didn‘t think he would ever be sorry for. So he backed his car out of his Dunder Mifflin parking space and did his best to remember what it felt like to hold the receptionist’s hand for three and a half seconds.

JHalpert: Hello :-)
PBeesly: Bonjour
PBeesly: So, are you excited for today?
JHalpert: Of course, Warehouse vs. Office!
PBeesly: My bet is on Warehouse.
JHalpert: That hurts, Pam. Really.
PBeesly: You guys have Michael…
JHalpert: He is a deal breaker.
PBeesly: Plus I really don’t want to work this weekend.
JHalpert: I can tell, because you’re IMing me instead of answering the phones.
PBeesly: Voicemail is an amazing thing.
JHalpert: I wish I had a quick way to get rid of my work.
PBeesly: You have a quick way to get rid of Dwight.
JHalpert: Do I?
PBeesly: Just tell him how much he should be on the basketball team.
JHalpert: And what will that do?
PBeesly: Well, it’ll make him stalk Michael until he gets on the basketball team.
JHalpert: You are a genius.
PBeesly: I’m aware.
PBeesly: I’m pretty sure if I ignore the calls any longer I will get fired.
JHalpert: Then by all means, work. If you got fired I would only have Dwight and Michael to talk to. Which would, of course, cause me to jump off a bridge.
PBeesly: Well, you wouldn’t just have Dwight and Michael, there’s Phyllis and Stanley and Angela…
JHalpert: Just answer the phones. :-P
PBeesly: Yes, sir.
PBeesly is away.

-

PBeesly is back from away.
PBeesly: You knew the dwarf’s name, too.
JHalpert: Excuse me?
PBeesly: You heard me.
JHalpert: Are you having a stroke? Do I need to call the paramedics?
PBeesly: You agreed with one of Michael’s jokes instead of making up one of your own.
JHalpert: What? When?
PBeesly: When Dwight knew the Lord of the Rings’ dwarf’s name and Michael called him a nerd.
PBeesly: You just laughed and agreed with Michael. You never laugh and agree with Michael. Which leads me to believe you didn’t want him to know that you knew the dwarf, too.
JHalpert: Wow, you are reading waaay to much into 5 seconds of my life.
PBeesly: Yeah, well I have a boring job.
JHalpert: Okay, so maybe I knew that his name was Gimli.
JHalpert: Stop laughing!
PBeesly: Why do you know that, Jim? Oh my God. Maybe you’re more like Dwight than you think.
JHalpert: No way. The day I’m like Dwight is the day Michael becomes the mayor.
PBeesly: Then why do you know so much about the Lord of the Rings?
JHalpert: Because Mark watched it like, 4 times when it came out on DVD.
PBeesly: Oh, and you just tripped and fell in front of the TV and stayed there for the duration of the movie each time?
JHalpert: I may have watched it once.
PBeesly: Yeah, I’m sure.
JHalpert: Oh God, Michael and his racism.
PBeesly: Haha, yes, “Stanley, as center, of course!”
JHalpert: And telling Oscar that we’ll only need his help come baseball season.
JHalpert: Oh, great, Dwight is on our team!
JHalpert: And I get to organize the work schedule.
PBeesly: At least Michael didn’t throw garbage at you.
PBeesly: And now he’s suggesting I cheerlead.
PBeesly: Thanks for volunteering to get the attention away from me :-D
JHalpert: No problem. It’s a shame Michael rejected me, I was really looking forward to it.
JHalpert: What makes you think Angela would cheerlead?
PBeesly: Nothing, I just want Michael to get away from my desk.
PBeesly: Oh, no, that was so mean. Poor Phyllis.
JHalpert: As long as she’s good at basketball :-)
PB: :-P
JHalpert: So, did you hear?
PBeesly: Hear what?
JHalpert: It seems the game has changed.
PBeesly: Are we playing baseball now? That way we could use Oscar.
JHalpert: No, whoever wins doesn’t have to come into work over the weekend.
PBeesly: No way! I had plans with Roy this weekend!
PBeesly: Well, prepare to be here on Saturday.
JHalpert: You might want to prepare to be alone on Saturday, because I’m pretty sure Roy’s going to come in.
PBeesly: We’ll see.
JHalpert: Yes we will.
JHalpert: I’m going to go get changed, see you when we kill at the game.
PBeesly: I’m sure I’ll see you get killed. :-)
JHalpert: Bye for now, Beesly.
PBeesly: See you in like, five minutes.
JHalpert has signed off.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: Guess I’ll be at the lake. :-)
JHalpert: Yeah, because Michael’s an ass.
PBeesly: This is true. But we still won.
JHalpert: Technically. I think everybody won when Dwight took his shirt off.
Pbeesly: Ah! Bad memories!
PBeesly: Okay, I have a confession.
JHalpert: Confess.
PBeesly: You might actually be very good at basketball.
JHalpert: Thank you, even if it took you that long to admit it.
PBeesly: Yeah.
PBeesly: I’m sorry about your face, by the way. Roy is really competitive.
JHalpert: Oh, that’s not a big deal. It happens.
PBeesly: Yeah. Have fun on Saturday. :-)
JHalpert: You, too. :-P
JHalpert: See you Monday.
PBeesly: See you then. :-)
PBeesly has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

PBeesly: Hola.
JHalpert: Good morning :-)
PBeesly: So, how was your Wednesday?
JHalpert: It was OK. I didn’t do much. I did, however, watch Lost.
PBeesly: Dwight watches Lost.
JHalpert: He does not.
PBeesly: It’s true, I heard him talking to Michael about it once.
JHalpert: You’re lying to torture me.
PBeesly: Would I do that, Jim?
JHalpert: If you were bored, probably.
PBeesly: Well it’s like, 9:15, so although we do work at an extremely boring office, I am not bored enough to resort to torture yet, sorry.
JHalpert: Wow. Dwight and I have something in common.
PBeesly: Something besides the Lord of the Rings thing…
JHalpert: I’m pretty sure you said you’d never speak about that again.
PBeesly: And I’m pretty sure I didn’t. :-D
JHalpert: What? Yes, you did.
PBeesly: No, I log all of my IM conversations. I can check.
PBeesly: No agreements in last week’s convos. Again, sorry.
JHalpert: What are you sorry for?
PBeesly: Well, that you’re like Dwight.
JHalpert: You wouldn’t like me if I was like Dwight. :-)
PBeesly: True, but you do have things in common.
JHalpert: As if you don’t watch Lost, too.
PBeesly: Oh, the phone’s ringing. I have to do my job, Jim. Stop distracting me!
JHalpert: Question avoider!
PBeesly is away.

-

PBeesly is back from away.
PBeesly: So, Michael really seems to like Purse Girl.
JHalpert: Isn’t her name Katie or something like that?
PBeesly: I think so. It’s kind of weird that she’s just randomly selling purses here today.
JHalpert: Well, we all have to make a living. For instance, I sell paper.
PBeesly: And I cater to the needs of a man in his forties who acts like he’s seven.
JHalpert: Exactly.
JHalpert: Except I don’t think seven-year-olds would get “that’s what she said.”
PBeesly: A seven-year-old would probably pretend to get it to get attention.
JHalpert: You got me there.
PBeesly: Oh, poor Purse Girl. Michael is going to harass her.
JHalpert: I can sort of see into the conference room. She looks genuinely frightened.
PBeesly: Michael looks genuinely frightening.
JHalpert: But doesn’t he always. :-) Whoops, gotta go, I have a call.
JHalpert is away.

-

RAnderson has signed on.
*New IM with RAnderson from PBeesly*
PBeesly: Am I pretty?
RAnderson: What? Babe, I’m just on the computer to find out the number for Cujino’s so me, Madge, and the guys can get pizza. IM automatically pops up then I turn on the computer.
PBeesly: Yeah, okay, sorry to interrupt.
RAnderson: No problem.
RAnderson has signed off.

-

JHalpert is back from away.
JHalpert: Holy crap.
PBeesly: What?
JHalpert: Holy shit, even. This deserves cursing.
PBeesly: What??
JHalpert: You won’t believe what Larry, one of the camera guys, just told me.
PBeesly: Okay, if the next thing you IM me is not a detailed explanation of what you are cussing about, I will stop putting jelly beans on my desk.
JHalpert: Come on, you wouldn’t do that to me. :-D
JHalpert: Okay, okay, put the jelly beans back, I’ll tell you.
JHalpert: So, I went into the break room to get a grape soda, and Larry was standing there drinking a Coke and he goes: “Jim, I’m really not supposed to show anybody any footage until we’re finished shooting the whole thing, so don’t tell anyone, but you really should see this. I know how much you love making fun of Dwight.”
PBeesly: Oh, this is going to be good.
JHalpert: So he plays back Dwight’s talking head that he’d filmed, like, five minutes ago, and oh my God, Pam, you won’t believe it.
PBeesly: What?
JHalpert: He described everything he liked about Katie and it was so creepy, but hilarious at the same time. The phrase “thirsty Schrute babies” was involved.
PBeesly: Wow. I am never going to be able to sleep, ever again.
JHalpert: Yes, apparently, the following are a list of some of Dwight’s turn-ons.
PBeesly: You are not honestly going to tell me this, are you?
JHalpert: 1. “Creamy” skin
PBeesly: Oh my God.
JHalpert: 2. Straight teeth
PBeesly: I do not want to know this!
JHalpert: 3. Curly hair

When Larry showed Jim the clip, Jim's eyebrows raised in surprise. Apparently, he and Dwight shared the same taste in more than just movies and TV.

JHalpert: Do the qualities in that list sound like anybody we know?
PBeesly: Um, yeah… The Purse Girl, duh.
JHalpert: Actually, it probably sounds more like…
PBeesly: Oh no, you are not about to say me.
PBeesly: You are not about to say I possess the qualities that qualify as Dwight’s turn-ons.
JHalpert: It does sound like you, Beesly.
JHalpert: If you weren’t with Roy, would you take a shot at Dwight? ;-)
PBeesly: Ahh! Don’t even joke! I ate a big breakfast, and now I am fairly certain it’s all coming back up.
JHalpert: I’m sorry, I know that’s probably very traumatizing.
PBeesly: Like, years-of-therapy-to-fix-it traumatizing.
JHalpert: I can ask Michael to refer you to his therapist.
PBeesly: Michael would probably be more stable if he was in therapy.
PBeesly: I would pay for Michael to go to therapy.
PBeesly: In fact, I’m pretty sure the entire office would chip in.
JHalpert: I would.
PBeesly: At least Katie provides a distraction for Michael.
JHalpert: Yeah, I wouldn’t expect him to harass you today.
PBeesly: God willing.
PBeesly: Yay, lunch break!
JHalpert: See you in the break room in five, Beesly. :-)
PBeesly has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert has signed on.
PBeesly: I can’t believe Roy.
JHalpert: That was definitely not his most sensitive moment.
PBeesly: And Understatement of the Year goes to Jim Halpert.
JHalpert: Wait, the Dundies were like, six months ago…
PBeesly: You’re not funny.
JHalpert: Yes, I am.
PBeesly: :-(
JHalpert: I know how to cheer you up.
PBeesly: And how do you plan to do that?
JHalpert: You’ll just have to see, Beesly…
JHalpert is away.
PBeesly: Is it a prank on Dwight??? :-D
Auto Response from JHalpert: Patience is a virtue. ;-)

-

JHalpert is back from away.
PBeesly: Oh, my God. That was amazing.
JHalpert: *takes virtual bow*
PBeesly: Nice Dwight voice, by the way. My ears are still recovering.
JHalpert: Thank you, my vocal cords are still recovering.
PBeesly: Oh, no. Michael wants me in his office.
JHalpert: That’s what she said.
PBeesly: Gross. You’re not helpful.
JHalpert: I like it that way. :-)
PBeesly has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
PBeesly: Jim, he wanted to know what I thought about futons.
JHalpert: Excuse me?
PBeesly: Sorry, we need to talk in person. It’s too good for IM.
JHalpert: Nothing’s too good for IM.
PBeesly: If you don’t come over here, I’ll go to your desk. It’s just priceless.
JHalpert: I’ll be waiting.
PBeesly: See you in five seconds.
PBeesly has signed off.

-

PBeesly has signed on.
PBeesly: Yay, it’s four fifty-nine!
JHalpert: You said it, Beesly.
PBeesly: Have fun with Katie.
JHalpert: Have fun with Roy.
PBeesly: See you later.
JHalpert: Bye, Pam.

JHalpert: Good morning, Beesly.
PBeesly: Hello.
JHalpert: So, guess what Michael’s been talking to the cameras about all morning?
PBeesly: What?
JHalpert: The Dundies. :-D
PBeesly: Oh, God no. We need to stop him.
PBeesly: Wanna plot? I’m bored.
JHalpert: Wow, it’s like, 9:08. That’s a record. And yes.
PBeesly: Okay. :-)
JHalpert is away.

JHalpert is back from away.
PBeesly: Michael just gave me a job.
JHalpert: You already have a job.
PBeesly: I have to watch the videos from all the past Dundies “to look for highlights.”
JHalpert: And I thought selling paper was bad.
PBeesly: Uh, yeah.
JHalpert: Godspeed, Beesly.
PBeesly: :-(
PBeesly is away.

PBeesly is back from away.
PBeesly: Did you hear about what I wrote on the wall?
JHalpert: No. What wall?
PBeesly: The girl’s bathroom wall. :-D
JHalpert: Oh, that’s very high school scandalous of you.
PBeesly: Um, excuse me, person who suspends things in Jell-O.
JHalpert: Touche. What’d you write?
PBeesly: Something along the lines of "Michael lost his virginity at age 28."
PBeesly: Except less eloquent.
JHalpert: Oh my God, you made that up.
PBeesly: No, he told me.
JHalpert: Why would he tell anyone that?
PBeesly: I guess because he wanted to see if it was normal to lose it in your late twenties.
JHalpert: Which it’s not.
PBeesly: Exactly.
PBeesly: I have to go watch more footage now.
PBeesly: A.K.A., go meet my horrible, grisly, not-funny-at-all death.
JHalpert: I’ll miss you. You were a good friend.
PBeesly: :-P
PBeesly has signed off.

PBeesly has signed on.
PBeesly: So, see you at the Dundies, Halpert?
JHalpert: Yep. See you at Chili’s in like fifteen minutes.
PBeesly: See you soon. :-)
PBeesly has signed off.

RAnderson has signed on to Mobile IM.
PBeesly has signed on to Mobile IM.
RAnderson: Hey, babe.
PBeesly: I have to go, they’re not done handing out awards yet.
RAnderson: Come on, Pammy. I’m sorry. Come to Poor Richards with us.
PBeesly: I already said I don’t want to go, Roy. I’m staying here.
RAnderson: Why?
PBeesly: I have to go.
PBeesly has signed off.

PBeesly has signed on to Mobile IM.
JHalpert has signed on to Mobile IM.
JHalpert: Did you get home OK?
PBeesly: Yeah, thanks.
PBeesly: Hey, did you ask Michael to change my award?
JHalpert: I may have been a part of that decision.
PBeesly: Thanks. :-)
JHalpert: Anytime.
PBeesly: I’m going to sleep now, I think I’m going to feel this one in the morning.
JHalpert: Sleep well.
PBeesly: You, too.
PBeesly has signed off.
JHalpert has signed off.

PBeesly has signed on.
JHalpert has signed on.
JHalpert: It’s Friday! Why aren’t you at work yet?
PBeesly: Hey, Jim. Could you tell Michael I’m going to come in a little late today?
JHalpert: Sure. Are you OK?
PBeesly: Yeah, I just have a hangover that could slay a walrus.
JHalpert: You got that one from Scrubs.
PBeesly: Guilty.
JHalpert: OK, I just have one question before you go.
PBeesly: I’m listening.
JHalpert: What does it feel like to be an outlaw?
PBeesly: Huh?
JHalpert: You got banned from Chili’s, remember?
PBeesly: Oh my God. That was real?
JHalpert: I’m afraid so, Beesly.
PBeesly: I thought I dreamt that.
JHalpert: No, you stole drinks off of other people’s tables. And fell off a chair in drunk-ness, among other things.
PBeesly: Oh, wow. Were the cameras there?
JHalpert: Aren’t they always?
PBeesly: Oh my God, I had like four El Niños and like two full things of beer.
JHalpert: Oh, trust me, I know. Actually, probably more than that, with Second Drink.
PBeesly: I explained Second Drink to you? I made that up in college.
PBeesly: What am I like when I’m drunk?
JHalpert: You laugh at everything, even Michael’s jokes, and you’re way more enthusiastic than you usually would be.
PBeesly: No way.
JHalpert: You thanked God for your Dundie.
PBeesly: No, I didn’t!
JHalpert: “Finally, I wanna thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. And I feel God in this Chili's tonight.”
JHalpert: And then you let out a whoop-screech thing.
PBeesly: Oh, no.
JHalpert: Oh, yes. You’ll see it all when you review the 2005 footage.
PBeesly: I guess I will. Oof. I really need to stop looking at the computer.
JHalpert: Get well soon, Pam.
PBeesly: See you later, Halpert.
PBeesly has signed off.