1. That's What Churchill Said by carbondalien
2. Ding Dong, The HR Rep Is Dead by carbondalien
Pam is trying to get him to fill out paperwork. Blech! He takes the stack of folders from her, kicks her and the camera crew out of the office then closes the blinds. He sticks out his tongue at the closed door then dumps the folders on the ground. He’ll do it later. Maybe. If he feels like it.
He sits behind his desk and thinks...
He walks into the office, whistling a jaunty tune. As he hangs up his coat, he notices Pam totally checking him out. It’s clear that she wants him, but Jim is his best friend! He’s torn over this, but decides to humor the poor gal and throws a smile her way.
“Looking good today, Michael,” Pam says. “And... have you gotten funnier?”
“Probably,” he answers matter-of-factly.
“Can you tell me some jokes later?” she practically begs.
Michael holds up his hands. “Whoa, Pam, slow your roll. You’re engaged to my BFF. Come on.”
“Sorry,” she says. She sighs like he’s just crushed all her dreams. “Oh - you have a meeting today with Bruce Willis.”
“Is it urgent?” he asks.
“He wants your advice,” Pam tells him. “He won’t stop calling.”
Michael rolls his eyes. “Okay, okay. Pencil him in.”
Pam winks at him.
Michael just chuckles and goes into his office, wondering how he might broach the subject of a threesome to Jim. Or maybe they could swing. Of course, he’d need a girlfriend himself before they could be swingers... but he could just text Heidi Klum or something. She’s been begging him for a date for months… no, no he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be cool. Jim would probably want to stop having sleepovers and cancel their plans to go to Magic Mountain. It isn’t worth the risk. He’ll just have to make Pam watch that video about sexual harassment again because she’s getting inappropriate.
While he’s rearranging his toy collection and answering an email from Will Smith, there’s a knock on the door.
“Come in!” he calls.
The door opens and a tall man with dark hair enters his office. Michael sees that he’s wearing a Members Only jacket, so there’s no doubt the guy is legit cool.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
“Are you Michael Scott?” the man asks.
“Yesh...”
“Michael, I’m John Johnson,” the man says. “I heard about you from a friend of mine - Fonzie. He says you’re the bees knees, Mike! So I came here to offer you something I think you’ll really enjoy, because any friend of the Fonz is a friend of mine.”
Michael gives a thumbs up and says, “Ayyyyy.”
John Johnson laughs and slaps his knee. He points at Michael. “Exactly! That is so Fonize!” He becomes serious again. “But, listen, Mike. I want to give you a superpower. Can you handle that?”
“Can I fly?” Michael asks. “Or X-ray vision? Man, I’d kill for X-ray vision. ‘Cause whenever I’m at the supermarket I see those cereal boxes that say they have prizes in them, but every time I buy one, I get a stupid prize. Who wants a book or a mini-calculator? Lame! If I had X-ray vision, I could see what boxes had the good prizes and buy those.”
“Excellent point!” John Johnson says. “But no. Mike, I want to give you... the ability to travel through time to detect all the best times to say that’s what she said!”
Michael’s eyes widen. “That... is... awesome!”
“Do you want to try it out?” John Johnson asks. “I can take you to a moment in time and we can try it out, right now!”
“Let’s go!” Michael exclaims.
“Okay! All you have to do is say ‘That’s what she said!’”
Michael shakes with excitement. He screams his favorite phrase and a bright white flash fills the room. The office melts away and Michael finds himself and John Johnson standing in a large, unfamiliar room where an overweight man with a squishy face is giving a speech.
“Where are we?” Michael whispers.
“The British Parliament House of Commons in 1940,” John Johnson explains. “That’s Winston Churchill. He’s making a speech and - oh! Get ready! Get ready!”
Michael focuses his attention on Winston Churchill.
“...with which it has been necessary to act,” Churchill says. “I say to the House as I said to ministers who have joined this government, I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many months of struggle and suffering.”
Michael grins with glee and screams from the gallery, “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
John Johnson lets out a laugh and slaps his knee again. “You showed him, Mike!”
There is another bright white flash and Michael finds himself and John Johnson back in the office.
“So, what did you think?” John Johnson asks.
“I love it!”
John Johnson reaches out to shake his hand then salutes Michael. “Well, then, my work here is done! Enjoy yourself!”
“I will!” Michael promises.
John Johnson leaves the office and Michael settles himself behind his desk.
He begins to imagine all the possibilities that are now open to him and -
There’s a loud knock on the window then Pam yells out, “Are you filling out that paperwork?”
“Gah!” Michael exclaims. “Yes! Leave me alone! I’m busy!”
Toby is giving one of his lame HR meetings about something in the workplace and how it... does something... or whatever. It’s boring. Michael hates it. Michael hates him. Oh, if only...
Michael gets dropped off at the office by Wonder Woman in her invisible plane and heads to the elevator, ready to show everyone his latest magic trick. Wonder Woman said it was awesome, so he knows it’s going to be a hit with the office. When he walks through the door though, his magic trick disappears from his mind.
Pam is hanging up colorful banners around the reception desk, Jim is throwing confetti, and Angela is holding a cake.
“It’s not my birthday yet,” he says. He drags his index finger across the top of the cake then licks the icing off his finger. “Ooh, my favorite. Sweet. Get it? Cause, it’s icing and it’s also great. Sweet. Dude Where’s My Car? Ashton Kutcher.”
“My favorite movie,” Angela says. “Michael, you’re always so on-point with your pop culture references!”
“Thanks, Midge,” Michael replies. “But, what’s the sitch? What are we celebrating?”
Jim hugs him tightly and holds the hug just a second over the just-friends line. They’re close. It’s totally cool. They’re bros.
Jim breaks the hug and beams at Michael. “Toby’s dead!”
Michael’s jaw drops. “Oh, my God! What? How?”
“Hot air balloon accident!” Jim exclaims happily.
“He deserved it,” Angela says. “He was defying God floating around in that thing.”
“If we were meant to fly, we’d have been born airplanes,” Michael agrees solemnly.
Pam places a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about this, okay? Toby was awful. Nobody liked him. Like, whenever he was giving one of his stupid speeches about office safety, we would always be thinking ‘When is Michael gonna tell a hilarious joke?’”
“He was the worst,” Michael says with a nod.
“And the good news keeps coming,” Jim tells him. “Corporate called and said that instead of getting a new HR rep, they’re having Eddie Murphy come in. And instead of having monthly HR meetings, corporate wants you to do an hour of stand-up comedy.”
“We can’t wait,” Pam says, smiling widely. “You’re the funniest person we know.”
“Definitely,” Angela says. “Oh, and, hey - Pam and I are having a hot tub party later. You should come!”
“No, Michael,” Jim says. “You should come with me. I’m meeting Michael Jordan later to play some hoops. He’s really excited to meet you.”
Michael thinks about it for a moment. “Hmm, couldn’t I... just do both?”
“Funny and smart!” Jim says and pulls Michael in for another hug.
Toby stops in the middle of his speech and looks quizzically at Michael.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “You’ve got a funny look on your face and -”
“Shut it,” Michael says and rolls his eyes. “Keep giving your stupid speech.”
Toby continues, “Okay, well, like I was saying -”
“GOD!” Michael interrupts. “I’m so bored I want to throw up!”
Toby sighs and continues with his presentation...
On his way to the hot tub party, Michael gets a call from Ryan. Ryan invites him to a party in New York City and says there’s gonna be a lot of cute babes. Michael texts Pam to let her know that he won’t be showing up at the hot tub party: “sry sPAM, no can do on the tub action. ryan wants 2 hang n hes my boi. rain check me k?”
Pam responds back quickly: “I love when you give me totally clever nicknames! But Angela and I understand. Have fun with Ryan. Xoxo luv Pamcakes”
Michael makes a U-turn in his Camaro and heads up to NYC to be with his other BFF Ryan. They text each other the entire way, telling each other how hot they are and how many chicks they’re totally gonna hook up with.
When Michael finally makes it to Ryan’s spacious studio apartment, Ryan introduces him around to all the women there before taking him into the bathroom so they can have a private chat.
Ryan leans against the sink and says, “So, I heard Toby died.”
“Yeah,” Michael says. “We had a cake.”
“Awesome,” Ryan replies. “That guy was a jerk. A total loser, you know? He wasn’t funny - no comedic timing. Not like you, my man. You’re always right on the ball. You always do us right.”
Michael grins. “That’s what she said!”
Ryan laughs heartily, like he hasn’t laughed for months - no. Years. “You got me! You’re too clever for me, Michael Scott! You’re my best friend and mentor. I love you.”
“I love you too, Ryan,” Michael says.
Ryan shuffles his feet then says, “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did,” Michael replies. He pokes Ryan in the shoulder. “But I’ll give you another one because you’re one of my best friends.”
“You’re my best friend,” Ryan says. “But I wanted to ask you... well... can I move in with you? I’m getting sick of this whole New York scene. I wanna settle down in Scranton and take after you.”
Michael chokes back tears. “Of course...”
They hug. Fireworks go off in the distance.
Jim pokes him in the shoulder. “Hey, the meeting’s over.”
“Huh? Oh,” Michael says. “Good. If I had to hear another word from that jerk’s mouth, I’d kill myself.”
Jim frowns. “Oh, well, that’s -”
“But I’d kill you all first,” Michael interrupts. “So that you wouldn’t have to suffer either.”
Jim’s eyes widen. “Wow. That is... wow. How... disturbing... and thoughtful...”
Michael nods. “Yeah...”