“Message in a Bottle”

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Kevin would never forget the day when he became a bona fide drummer.

For his eighteenth birthday, his parents bought a second-hand drum kit from a garage sale. However, Mrs. Malone set one condition for the drums: in order to play, her son had to study accounting when he started college in the fall. Why not? If the music career didn’t work out (which of course it would!), at least he had something to fall back on.

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The members of Scrantonicity were upset when their gig for Pam Beesly and Roy Anderson’s wedding reception was cancelled. On the night of the ill-fated gig that didn’t happen, they sat around, drinking cheap beer and getting stoned. Maybe they should just give up on music after all. Well, at least, they still got paid.

The next day, however, Danny the bassist had a realization. The band couldn’t let this one gig ruin their chance for success and domination on the music scene. Instead, they should work even harder. There would be other weddings, hell, maybe even a bar mitzvah or two. They had to band together (pun intended) and provide the rock and roll soundtrack for Scranton, P.A. The rest of the summer was spent rehearsing new material and designing band fliers.

Their first big performance occurred in late August for the Scranton High School ten year reunion. It was the perfect gig. The band kicked ass, so everyone said. Roy was there, sans Pam, and came up to Kevin after the first set, as he stood under the “Welcome Back, Scranton High’s Class of 1996” banner.

“Dude, that was so freaking good.” Roy was obviously drunk and looked like shit. He had gained a lot of weight and probably hadn’t shaved all summer. According to the gossip circulating through the office, Roy had been on a bender since the beginning of June and was on the verge of losing his job at Dunder-Mifflin.

“Thanks, man,” Kevin enthused as he discreetly caught the bottle of beer that almost fell out of Roy’s hand.

Roy suddenly lost his balance and collapsed against Kevin’s arm, almost knocking off the drummer’s favorite hat. “I- wish- you guys- could- have played- my- wedding. It- would- have been- awesome,” he choked out, tears streaming down his bloated face and disheveled beard.

Kevin patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. “It’s OK, buddy. It’s OK.”

The next Monday, Kevin received several reprimands from Angela because he was drumming on his desk, usually in coordinating beats of six and nine. He didn’t care. The ten reunion gig was awesome. They received three encores. Seriously, could life be any better?

Besides the thrill of thinking back on his performance, Kevin was having a fairly average work day. The office was buzzing around the fact that Roy had been arrested for a DUI after the reunion because he had crashed a truck into an electrical pole. Someone had posted the mug shot online and now it served as his screensaver, just to irk Angela.

He glanced over at Pam, who was quietly typing on her keyboard. She looked sad. Though she said that she was fine, she always looked glum these days. Kevin wasn’t sure if it was because of her cancelled wedding or because Jim was gone. He had heard a rumor that Jim and Pam had kissed in the office during casino night, but Kelly wasn’t the most reliable source of information. Still, he couldn’t help but giggle every time he imagined them possibly going at it against Jim’s desk.

After finishing a spreadsheet, he recounted the gig to Oscar.

“Dude, it was-” Kevin was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. In a faux British accent, he answered, “Hullo, Kevin Malone speaketh.”

“Kevin, this is Jeff Banks from Pete ‘n Repeat Records. I heard your band play this weekend at the Scranton High class of ’96 reunion. You guys rocked!”

“Thanks, man!” Kevin couldn’t help but grin.

“Anyway, I was interested in discussing a possible tour for your band. What do you think?”

Kevin gasped, “Uh, are you signing us? ’Cause that would be sooo sweet.”

“Well, not exactly. We’re interested in financially providing a tour for you guys. If the tour is successful, then we can talk about a record deal. What do you say?”

“Dude, yes. Oh, shoot! I’m going to have to talk to the rest of the band first.” Jeff agreed and promised to call back in a couple of days.

First his jaw dropped at the prospect of getting to playing music, for real. Then he smirked at the camera, “Groupies! Hehe.”

“De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”

A few weeks later, as Kevin knocked on the door to Michael’s office, he saw Dwight wearing an odd white suit with a veiled hood and a pair of brown leather gloves.

Michael was shaking his head. “Dwight, why are you dressed like a beekeeper?”

Dwight glanced down at his ridiculous outfit, his voice muffled through the netting that covered the mask. “One word:  Protection.  My aunt and uncle let me borrow it. They make excellent beet honey. Anyway Michael, I’m serious. Jim emailed me and said that the Stamford building failed an inspection for asbestos. We need to contact Billy Merchant and have our building checked. This place is a breeding ground for diseases.”

Michael rolled his eyes toward the camera with an incredulous sigh. “Dwight, the business park was built in 1989. It doesn’t have asbestos. Besides, what are you worried about? Don’t you have superior genes or some kind of crap like that?”

“True, true. Very perceptive of you, Michael.” Dwight replied as he removed the beekeeping hat. He, however, kept the leather gloves on. He coolly regarded the accountant leaning against the door. “Oh hello, Kevin.”

Kevin stepped through the door. “Michael, can I talk to you?”

“Sure, Kevinator. Dwight, do you mind?”

“I think I should stay, as Assistant Regional Manager. I need to stay abreast of anything that happens in this office.” Kevin stifled a laugh. Dwight had said “a breast”!

Kevin took a deep breath, before speaking. “Well, I would like to give my two week’s notice. My band has been offered the chance to go on a huge concert tour and its an opportunity I can’t pass up.”

Michael nodded, “As a fellow entertainer, I understand and support your decision.” Before Kevin could say anything else, the phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, Michael quickly answered, “Oh, hello, Madame Levinson, what can I do you today?”

Jan’s frustrated voice filled the room. “Are you alone? I need to speak with you, privately.” Michael nodded for the other two men to leave the room, mouthing “Its about our relationship.” Just as Kevin exited, he heard Jan say, “And turn the speaker phone off, for goodness sake.”

An hour later, Michael called a meeting in the conference room. Kevin assumed it was to announce his departure.

“Gang, I have two big announcements. Buckle your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy ride. Hands and feet in the car. Watch-”

“Just tell us the damn announcement already,” Stanley interrupted, a scowl forming on his face.

“Well, first, our very own Kevin Malone will be leaving us in two weeks. His dreams of becoming a rock star are coming true and he’s going on the road with his Genesis cover band.”

“The Police,” Kevin interjected.

Michael looked quizzically. “Why is your Genesis cover band called The Police?”

“No, we-” but Michael began clapping his hands before Kevin could finish speaking. The rest of the office applauded as well. Oscar gave him a high-five while Phyllis and Kelly noticeably wiped away tears.

Dwight stood up, still wearing the pair of leather gloves. “Wait! What’s the second announcement about? Is this about the asbestos contamination? As Assistant Regional Manager, I need to know everything before the rest of the office does. Whisper it in my ear, Michael.”

Michael continued, “I will not whisper in your ear, you idiot!” Dwight sheepishly sat down. “The next announcement is that the Stamford branch is being downsized and incorporated into our branch.”

Toby stood up, “Michael, you weren’t supposed to announce this until tomorrow. Corporate-”

Michael interrupted Toby as if he weren’t even in the room. “Like I was saying, members of the Stamford branch will be joining our ranks in two weeks. Andy is an accountant and will be replacing the Kev Meister. Also, some Karen chick will be joining us. I don’t really know what she does. Unfortunately, Josh Porter will be moving here as well as my assistant.”

“Actually, he’ll be co-Regional manager,” added Toby.

“Whatever. Anyway, and to add to the excitement, our very own little Jimmy Halpert will be returning. The heartbreaker, right Pam?” Pam’s face had lost all color. Everyone looked sympathetically at her. Next to her, Meredith placed a comforting arm around her shoulder.

Kevin zoned out as the room erupted in a dozen voices speaking at once. All he could think of was the fact that he would be an accountant-turned-rock star in a little over two weeks. Maybe he should go ahead and compose his Grammy acceptance speech.

“Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”

The documentary crew filmed Scrantonicity’s last home gig at the zoo before they hit the road on Monday. All of the band mates’ families and friends were there. It was the second best day of Kevin’s life (the first, of course, being the day Angela made an accounting error. Tee hee.)

All of his co-workers were there. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched Phyllis and Bob Vance sway to the music. Over by the reptile display, Dwight was instructing Angela on how to defend herself against a snake attack. Toby wasn’t listening to the music because he was busy showing his daughter the zoo’s new lion cubs.

During a break, Kevin noticed Pam strolling past the Amazon exhibit when she gasped. Jim was walking hand-in-hand with a very pretty girl with long dark hair. She tried to walk away but he had already seen her.

“Pam!” Jim hastened his steps toward her, still holding the woman’s hand. She faked a smile as the three of them stood in front of a waterfall, surrounded by exotic birds and plants.

“Hey,” she breathed. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I moved back to Scranton yesterday afternoon. Kev called last night to invite me to this concert.” He looked down at his shoes for a moment.

Pam glanced at the waterfall as a small wave crashed down into the pool. “Um, thank you for the asbestos prank. Dwight went on a rampage.” She cracked a wide smile at him. “I was entertained for at least three days.”

Jim briefly looked into her face, “You’re welcome. I was hoping you would like it.” He smiled for a moment before suddenly realizing who was standing next to him. “Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Karen.” Pam hesitated as she limply shook hands with the young woman.

“Karen? You work at the Stamford branch?”

Karen smiled stiffly, noticeably miffed that her boyfriend had forgotten that she was standing there. “Used to. Now, I’m at the Scranton branch with you guys.” She quickly removed her hand from Pam’s as she wrapped her slender arm tightly and possessively through Jim’s. Pam looked miserable.

“Well, um, welcome to town, Karen.” Pam shyly smiled at Jim as she softly whispered, “Welcome back, Jim.”

Wow, that was awkward, Kevin thought as he turned his attention from Jim and Pam back to his drum kit. Still, this gig was so exciting. It was just a foretaste of what they would expect on the road.

Just as Kevin was picking up his drum sticks, Creed walked over. “Keith, I’m so excited to hear about your tour.”

“Um, my name is Kevin, actually.”

Creed didn’t seem to notice as he continued, “This one time, when I was with the Grass Roots, we toured with Janis and Jimi. Man, that was awesome. At least, I think it was. Actually, I don’t remember much of it. But I can imagine it was fun.” Suddenly, he turned away as Kevin threw a questioning look to the camera.

It was time for the band to play again. Ricky, the lead singer, stood in front of the audience filled with their friends and families. “Thank you for coming tonight-”

“That’s what she said,” interjected Michael loudly.

Ricky stared at Michael for a moment. “Um, yeah, anyway, thanks for attending tonight. Scrantonicity really appreciates your support. We’re going to play a few more tunes. Any requests?”

Kelly bounced up and down, “Oh, oh! Can you play the new Justin Timberlake song ‘SexyBack’? Oh my gosh! I totally love Justin’s new haircut. He looks hot. I mean, like, so hot. I love him. Cameron Diaz is, like, the luckiest girl in the world.” Next to her, Ryan looked up at the sky and rolled his eyes.

A bewildered Ricky shook his head, “Sorry, don’t know that one? Anyone else?”

Oscar’s partner Gil raised his hand, “How about some Scissor Sisters?”

“Who?”

“Never mind,” Oscar replied as he stood uncomfortably next to Gil. He was still upset about being publicly outed against his will.

“OK, well, how about some Sting?”

Just as Kevin was about to count out the beat, he overheard his fiancée talking to Meredith. “Wow, look at Roy. He looks really good.”

Meredith nodded her head a little too quickly, as she nursed her third Red Stripe. “Yeah, he does!”

Roy, looking much leaner and with a trimmed beard, was standing off by himself, intensely eying Pam. She, however, was looking elsewhere. In the crowd, Jim stood with his arm around Karen and at that moment, he bent his head down to kiss her cheek.

Kevin leaned forward into his microphone, “I want to dedicate this next song to two women in the audience tonight. The first is my beautiful fiancée. Love you, babe.” Stacy beamed at Kevin from the side of the stage. “And the second is to Pam Beesly. Just because.” She’s had a rough summer, he continued in his head.

The audience roared as the beginning of “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” filled the cool evening air. Kevin could see Pam, arms wrapped around herself as she still stood in front of the Amazon waterfall, smiling sadly.

“Roxanne”

It was times like these when Kevin wished he had never signed the damn documentary release form. He hated the fact that the cameras were catching this particular moment of his life.

With a frustrated sigh, he tossed his cell phone down on the dressing room table. He and Stacy had just finished their fifth argument this week. Being on the road was threatening to destroy their relationship. It had been so hard to say goodbye to his fiancée and her daughter Abby. They had always been so supportive of his music career, but it was easier to be supportive when they were all together in Scranton. Playing a show in Detroit and not knowing when he was going to be home again was a completely different story.

The road was also taking its toll on the band’s relationship as well. They constantly argued, which was weird for the normally easy-going Kevin.

Before the show at a small club, the band sat in their dressing room.

Ricky lit up a cigarette before berating his band mates. “Come on, guys. Last night’s gig in Cleveland sucked. We’re a much better band than that. Especially you, Kevin. What’s up? You were shit last night.”

Kevin shook his head as he grabbed a handful of M&M’s (with all the reds picked out, per their rock star demands), “Man, I was playing my heart out last night. When did you get such an ego?”

The guys were in a foul mood as they walked on stage. Then the music took over. At some point, the band found its spark and a blaze ensued. Every song was amazing. This was why I joined a band, Kevin thought. For an forty-five minutes, everything was perfect. All of the arguments with Stacy and his band mates dissipated as they got caught up in the moment.

Halfway through the gig, Kevin saw a piece of fabric fly across the stage before landing on his shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at it. It was a zebra print thong. Nice!

Backstage, Kevin giggled softly as he pocketed the zebra print panties. He would always keep them as a reminder of the awesome night. The band was surprised to see Jeff Banks backstage, looking glum.

“Sit down, guys.” They did as they were told.

“Um, I don’t know how to say this, but the tour’s over, guys. Pete ’n Repeat Records filed for bankruptcy this afternoon. I’m sorry, but we can’t afford to keep up this tour and we won’t be able to provide you with a record deal after all. I’m gutted, guys. I’m really sorry.”

Kevin tried not to cry as he realized that his music career might be over.

“Every Breathe You Take”

Kevin stood outside of the Dunder-Mifflin office, trying to get up the courage to walk through the doors he thought he had closed for good. Michael and Josh, who had just finished a co-Regional managerial lunch at Chili’s, did not see him as they walked in.

Michael paused by the reception desk. “Wham, Pam! Wake me up before you go-go! I bet all the men tell you that. You wild and crazy single gal!”

She rolled her eyes. She didn’t bother to tell him that he had a clump of salsa clinging to his tie. Neither did Josh.

“Any messages?”

“No.”

“Not doing your job, huh? Maybe your personal life is affecting your work.” Michael arched his eyebrows before walking off. Josh shot Pam a sympathetic glance as he silently followed Michael.

Kevin timidly stepped into the office. For the first time in several weeks, he was wearing a nice suit and a tie. It felt odd. He walked over to reception and tapped the counter rhythmically. He had not picked up his drumsticks since that awful night in Detroit.

Pam didn’t seem to notice him standing there. She was watching as Jim talked to Karen, who was perched on the edge of his desk. His hand was placed casually on her knee as they leaned close together, sharing a laugh over a joke. Dwight eyed them suspiciously from his desk.

Kevin cleared his throat loudly, “Hi, Pam.”

Pam blinked as she turned her attention to him. “Kevin, hi! Its great to see you. How was the world tour?”

“Um, not so great.” He really didn’t want to talk about the band’s breakup. “Hey, is Michael in his office?”

She nodded before looking down at her computer. Kevin glanced over and could see that Jim’s eyes were really on Pam and not his girlfriend.

Then, Kevin glanced to the accountants’ corner. A man with dark hair and glasses sat at his old desk. Oscar and Angela were standing behind the new guy, who was telling him a inside Stamford joke.

“So, then, I turned to Big Tuna and…” Kevin couldn’t hear the rest of the sentence because the new guy began laughing. Oscar politely laughed, while Angela crossed her arms in disgust.

Kevin sighed as he turned toward Michael’s office.

At that same moment, Josh angrily stormed out. “You don’t have the authority to put me in time-out!”

Kevin made a face toward the camera that was following him as he walked in. “Hey Michael.”

“Kev!” Michael spun around his swivel chair. Kevin couldn’t help but notice the huge salsa stain on his boss’ tie. He didn’t bother telling him. “What brings you back to Scranton?”

“Well, I was wondering if I can have my job back.”

Michael paused for a moment before responding, “Sure. As long as you fire Andy for me.”

The End