Jim paced around the hospital waiting room with a smile stretched across his face. He could barely contain the emotional cocktail from flooding down the surface of his skin. Jim had anxiously waited for this day for the past five weeks. He had been impatient at first, but impatience is only good when it is the shortest way to an end; and as the days turned into weeks, patience was otherwise better.

The phone call had come while he was getting ready for work. Jim got Ellie and Ben ready—as quickly as one parent is capable of dressing and feeding two children under the age of four—and dropped them off at his parent’s house before rushing to the hospital. The doctor had only informed him of a change in Pam’s status; he needed more details before he could bring in the children. He was startled from his momentary daze as Dr. Krautz entered the waiting room.

“Good morning Mr. Halpert.”

“Is it true? Is she really awake?

“Yes, she is fully conscious.”

“Is she okay? Can I see her?” Jim tried to not sound desperate, but the adjective had been describing all his actions lately—desperately driving, desperately speaking, desperately living… He hadn’t heard her sweet voice in over a month. He had kissed her lifeless lips, but it wasn’t the same. He yearned for a response, and for that he felt needy—perhaps even selfish.

“Well, we are still running a few tests to pinpoint the exact extent of her injury.” Jim only nodded, biting his lower lip. “As of now her physical and speech abilities are intact, but…” the doctor paused, unsure of how to deliver his next sentence, “her cognitive processes are still in question.”

Jim’s heart tightened in his chest as the doctor continued to explain the technicality of his wife’s condition. Words like hippocampus, frontal lobe, and cognitive apparatus echoed in the distance of his mind. He felt his body tremble and his knees begin give out from under him. Jim found himself involuntarily leaning against the cold, white wall of the waiting room for support.
…………………
Five weeks earlier

It was just another Monday, like any other Monday in the Halpert household. Jim and Pam lay in bed entangled in their sheets, waiting to hear the pitter-patter of small feet entering their bedroom. Jim always joked about how useless alarms clocks were when you have a four and a two year old around the house—even Dwight’s rooster couldn’t measure up. Pam chuckled at the thought, but couldn’t agree more. They savored those few minutes—the calm before the storm— every morning.

It wasn’t long before Jim and Pam heard their four-year-old daughter coming down the hall. The little girl with tousled, light brown curls came rushing into their bedroom like a lightning bolt. “Mommy! Daddy!” She stopped abruptly, noticing her parents still “asleep.” A mischievous grin adorned her face as she tipped-toed closer to the bed. She approached Jim’s bedside, poked him through the sheets, and quickly ducked down, concealing her giggles.

“Pam? Pam? Wake up! Did you just poke me?”Jim asked incredulously.

“I think you were dreaming, Jim!” Pam said, watching Ellie crawl to her side of the bed. “Let’s go back to sleep!” Jim and Pam shifted around the bed exaggeratedly, pulling the covers tighter around them. Ellie waited until they settled before standing up, poking Pam, and ducking down once more. This time Ellie could barely keep her giggles from escaping between her fingers.

“Jim, wake up! I felt someone poke me!”

“Really? I think we have a poking-monster situation here!”

“Oh no!” Pam could barely contain herself, “Not the poking-monster!”

“But you know who is stronger than the poking monster?” Jim said, locating Ellie’s small figure curled next to Pam’s nightstand. “The tickle-monster!”Jim pulled her into bed and began tickling her nonstop. Her giggles filled the room, brushing off any sleep still left in them. It wasn’t long before Ben also stumbled into the room dragging his blanket. His floppy, sleep-tousled hair and the lazy grin he wore on his face was adorable and unmistakably familiar. Pam got out of bed and scooped Ben up, bringing him to take part in the tickle-fest currently taking place.

“Okay,” Pam said exhaling audibly, “Who wants to help me make some pancakes?”

Ellie waved her hand frantically in the air shouting, “Me, me, me.” Ben imitated his sister’s hand movements, parroting ‘ me ’ as well.

“You wanna make pancakes, Ben?”

“Pans cakes!” Ben replied excitedly.

“Yeah, c’mon buddy,” she said lifting him up, “Let’s go make a mess,” Pam said winking at Jim.

Jim got up stretching his long limbs as he made his way to the bathroom. The chilled bathroom air penetrated his skin calling forth all goose bumps. Saving money by shutting off the heat in early spring was definitely not worth it , he mentally noted. When he finished showering he returned to the bedroom and proceeded to dress for work. Jim hurriedly pulled on his pants, smelling the fresh brewed coffee, before rushing downstairs. He was greeted by a blissful Ellie, with pancake batter smudged across her pink pajamas.

“Daddy I made pancakes!”

“That’s great El,” He lowered his hand for a high-five and Ellie gladly slapped it. “They look yummy!”

“Uh-hum…” Ellie hummed. Jim lifted her up, kissing her rosy cheeks, before putting her in her chair next to Ben.

Jim walked up to Pam and wrapped his arms around her waist, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Good morning.”
“Good morning sweetie,” she said, breathing in his fresh-showered scent. “Breakfast is now served!” Pam carried the plate of oddly shaped pancakes and the syrup to the table. The Halpert clan devoured the plate of pancakes before realizing they were on the verge of being late—yet again.

“Ok,” Jim said placing the dishes in the sink, “Go shower while I get these two dressed.”

“Sounds good.” Pam said walking towards the bathroom.

Jim scooped up his children, one in each arm, eliciting a fit of giggles from both as he carried them up the stairs. Pam had already laid out their clothes; Jim just had to get the kids dressed, which was rarely an easy task. But today it was accomplished without any mishaps, unlike the time Ben found it appropriate to keep removing his clothes—the terrible two’s.

“Ready?” Pam called from their bedroom.

“Almost,” Jim said entering the bedroom. “Here,” he said lifting Ben to Pam, “He is all set, I’ll get Ellie!” Jim sped down the hallway finding Ellie in her underwear distracted with her dolls. “Ellie… c’mon you have to get dressed. You can bring your dolls to grandma’s okay?”

“Okay…” Ellie said with a sigh. She lifted her arms in the air and Jim slid the dress over her head. He then situated the sweater over her small arms quickly buttoning it—missing one, or maybe two buttons.

“Put your shoes on and I will be right back to check on you.”

“Uh-hum…” Ellie hummed, grabbing a pair of white keds from the closet. Jim returned to his bedroom, grabbing his suit jacket and his messenger bag before returning to get Ellie. He stopped and leaned by the doorframe, listening to his daughter attempt to tie her shoelaces. “The squiwel runs ‘round the tree….. Jumps in the hole under the tree…. And leeeeaves.” She said pulling both sides of the laces, but for her disappointment it came undone. “Ugh!” She exhaled frustrated. Pam had suggested they stick with the velcro shoes a bit longer, but Jim insisted on teaching her how to tie shoelaces.

“Here,” Jim said bending down to tie her shoes. “Remember that before the squirrel jumps under, this hand,” Jim said pointing to her right hand, “Holds the tree, okay?”

“Okay… I almost did it daddy!”

“I know sweetie. Now let’s go before mom and dad are late for work.” Jim scooped her up and carried her downstairs where Pam waited with Ben and two small book bags in hand. Like all Mondays, they took separate cars because Pam had her art class across town after work. Like all Mondays, Pam dropped the kids off at Jim’s parent’s house in the morning and he picked them up in the evening. But today was not a regular Monday—as Jim would soon discover.

At five o’clock Jim and Pam parted their ways, kissing good-bye and repeating ‘I love yous’ before leaving the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot. She turned left towards the highway and he turned right towards his parent’s house. He picked up the kids, carrying a sleepy Ben on his shoulder while clutching Ellie’s hand towards to car. At home he made dinner— grilled cheese, a Monday special. At seven he gave the kids a bath and dressed them for bed. They watched The Lion King—a Monday classic—before both drifted off to Hakuna Matata .

Jim hesitated bringing them upstairs because he knew how much Pam loved tucking them in. So, he waited. He grabbed his phone, seeing the red light flashing—a text message from Pam: Be home shortly to tuck my babies in . He smiled, but frowned at the time sent—thirty minutes earlier. Traffic is inevitable —he thought. So, he waited. The cheesy song still played in the background, “It means no worries for the rest of your days…” There were no worries and with that thought in mind, he also drifted off to sleep.

Jim was awakened an hour later by the buzzing of his cell phone still housed in his hand. The person on the other line mumbled something about a collision and the driver in critical condition. The name Pamela Halpert was repeated several times, as well as hospital and head trauma . At that moment everything became blurry—uncertain. Jim remembered vaguely scooping his children from the couch and placing them in their car seats before driving frantically through the streets of Scranton.

The waiting though, was very vivid in his mind. Thoughts from the abyss of his soul plagued him. The what ifs’ emptied all the strength he supposed he had. Jim sat in the small hospital waiting room motionless, inconsolable. Ellie was curled into a ball on the adjacent seat, while Ben, in his Nemo pajamas, nestled over his chest. Jim began stroking Ellie’s curls, sensing the familiar texture under his fingertips, and that was when the tears rolled effortlessly down his cheeks.

It was nearing dawn when Dr. Krautz finally entered the waiting room. The nurses had kept them updated, but everything they said was never certain. Jim’s mother had taken the kids home, and his brother, Tom, was now at his side. Pam’s parents were the first to agglomerate by the door, waiting for promising words. Jim, numbed by the situation, followed closely behind. The doctor explained that Pam had survived—survived a head on collision with a drunk driver, survived a blunt force trauma to the head, and survived a twelve hour surgery that basically placed her back together. She survived with three broken ribs, a punctured lung, a fractured leg, and countless scrapes, cuts, and bruises. The doctor also mentioned something about brain swelling, but Jim was gone—literally unconscious—after the word survived escaped the doctor’s mouth.

Jim woke up the next day in a room with white sheets and white walls, an IV on his left arm, and a heart monitor plug on his index finger. Recovery from mental exhaustion was simple, but recuperating from almost losing his everything was going to be a long, arduous process. Luckily— how ironic—Jim had two small beings that reminded him that he couldn’t throw in the towel just yet. Jim visited her every day—morning and night. He would run his hand through her hair and whisper softly into her ears. Ellie tied her shoes today, well almost….Ben’s still resisting potty-training…They miss you so much… I can’t’ do it alone… you have to wake up … I love you so much… Please wake up….

Within the next few weeks Pam’s condition had stabilized and her injuries were healing accordingly. Jim had to re-invent a routine for himself and his children, as well as deal with questions— where is mommy?—or demands—I what mommy!—everyday. Ben was too small to understand and mostly parroted his sister. But Ellie was an entire different ballgame. Simple explanations like ‘mommy is sick’ didn’t cut it. Jim had to physically bring Ellie—against his better judgment—to the hospital and have her see Pam engulfed by numerous tubes and wires in the ICU. It was shocking—he knew it. Ellie slept with him that entire week.

Jim knew all that was left to do was hope, pray, implore, and plead for the best.
………………………..
Present

Jim accompanied the doctor to the ICU. He warned him about Pam’s current cognitive state, at which Jim nodded in agreement, but his heart was pounding too fast for him to understand the reality of her condition. He carefully walked into the room and stood in the corner. Pam looked frail and confused with the uproar of all the hospital personals surrounding her. The bruises on her face had healed nicely and only faint scars were visible. However, her gaze was blank—empty. He waited patiently as the doctors finished with the tests before he approached her with love deep in his eyes.

“I’ve missed you so much!” He said reaching for her hand, which she rapidly retracted.

“Do I know you?” she replied.

Jim sat in Dr. Krautz office, resting his head in his hands. What had the potential to be one of the happiest days in weeks had had a tragic ending. Maybe he had set his hopes too high, and the inevitable crash was too much for him to handle. The blank, empty look on Pam’s face triggered emotions he had only encountered in a dim parking lot on a cool spring night. Jim didn’t have the mind—heart—to respond her query. So, he mumbled ‘I’m sorry,’ and, as quietly as he had entered the room, he exited.

Jim had walked around aimlessly, concentrating on a single concept—breathing. Air enters the nose, down the trachea, through the bronchus, into the lungs— a simplistic route. In Jim’s mind, his and Pam’s pathway should’ve been the same; fall in love, move in together, conceive a child—order not irrelevant—get married, and live happily ever after. There is no detour or forgetting with whom you will be taking the journey.

“I know this is not the outcome you’re expecting, but it’s progress nonetheless,” Dr. Krautz assured him.

Jim raised his head, meeting the doctor’s gaze, before mumbling a somber “I know.” It was an improvement, he knew, but he couldn’t deviate from the outlook he’d had the last month or so. Was Pam not remembering him worse than her not waking? In his current mindset, Jim couldn’t decide.

“Your wife is suffering a condition called Post-traumatic Amnesia, usually occurring after a head injury. It seems she’s lost nerve pathways required to retrieve long-term memories.” Jim was quiet, his gaze fixated on his untied shoe lace. “Mr. Halpert,” Dr. Krautz stood up and walked around his desk, pulling a chair closer to im. “Traumatic amnesia is often transient.”

Jim looked up from his shoes, not sure if he had heard the doctor correctly. “What was that?”

“Her tests indicate that there is no brain damage, which explains the retention of her implicit and procedural memories…Her memories can be triggered back.”

“I don’t understand—triggered back?” One thing that Jim had learned within the last few hours was not to get his hopes up too high, but this small affirmation excited him more than it should have.

“Yes, to a certain extent. See, depending on the stimulus, it might trigger an emotional response, even a memory.” Jim scrunched his brow, looking puzzled at the doctor. Considering his state of confusion, Dr. Krautz continued, “She may associate a flowery smell with a garden or someone who gardened. But the problematic part is to discern the stimuli. People associate things differently or not at all. So it’s hard to know how to exactly fish the memories out.”

“So, you’re saying that she may remember me? Our kids?

“Yes,” Dr. Krautz said with much hesitation. “But the best thing you can do right now is support her—be there for her. She is in a strange world right now.” Jim nodded, suddenly feeling guilty about his previous encounter with Pam. How could he have been so selfish? His better half lay in a hospital bed, disoriented, and all he could do was whisper ‘I’m sorry’ and leave. He wished he had lost his memory instead of her.

“On another note,” Dr. Krautz continued, “Your wife should make a full recovery. She could be discharged within the next week.”

“Really? That’s good! But, will she…um…be willing to come with me? I mean, I'm a…..” Jim paused, choking on his next few words, “complete stranger.”

“In cases like these, I advise the family not to be strangers. Your presence will speak louder than words.”

On that last note, Jim shook hands with the doctor and proceeded down the hall towards the elevator where it would lead him to the 6th floor—the ICU. He had a new mission in life: to be there for Pam. He knew she would have done the same, or more than he had. He been there before; he could do it again. He walked briskly and purposely towards her. Jim was surprised to find the room lacking the tumult of nurses from before. The only sound was the echoing beep of the monitors. He walked in and was faced with the same lost expression from before.

“Hi,” he said hesitantly.

“Hi,” she responded, her voice soft and hoarse. Tubes and wires still engulfed her small frame.

“I’m Jim,” He extended his hand and she shook it hesitantly.

“I’m Pam—at least that’s what they’ve been calling me. Am I supposed to know you?” Jim was not expecting that question just yet.

“Yeah… I’m your… husband.” Jim said cautiously. He watched her demeanor shrink as his statement sunk in. Maybe she didn’t need to know that just yet.

“Wow!” Tears began rolling down her cheeks as she looked at the tall man standing a few feet from her bed. She had no recollection of him, or of anything for that matter. Everything was a blur. She knew, from what the nurses told her, that she was in a hospital and that she had been in an accident, but that was as far her understanding of herself went.“I-I…“

“It’s ok,” Jim interrupted. He wanted to hold her, wipe the cascading tears from her cheeks, and it took all he had in him not to follow his instincts. “If you need me to leave now, that’s ok! I understand. Just know that I am...”

“Don’t go—I don’t want to be alone.” She interjected.

“You won’t…”

Jim narrowed the space between them, reaching out to hold her hand. She winced, but didn’t recoil—he was contented. The room fell into a comfortable silence, as neither of them spoke. He wasn’t going to bombard her with information she wasn’t ready for. Jim was going to wait for her initiative. That way, he knew she would be ready. For now, silence was his most eloquent answer. Baby steps —he thought— baby steps.

“I’m a bit tired, if you don’t mind I’m going to rest for a bit.”

“Yeah… That’s fine.”

She closed her eyes and he watched her gradually fall asleep—listening to the steady sound of her breathing. May be this wasn’t going to be so hard —he thought. But then he saw the image of his—their—children, and his heart fell to the pit of his stomach. How is he going to explain this to them? Or to her? She was taken aback by the fact that she has a husband, and then he is supposed to add two kids in the mix? Jim was about to go for a walk—to clear his head— when a nurse entered the room.

“Mr. Halpert, a Mrs. Janet Beesly is in the waiting room,” the nurse said softly. Even though she and Joe had split up, she had kept his name. She had been a Beesly for so long that it she couldn’t bring herself to change it.

Jim made his way down the hall, finding Janet on the verge of tears. She was such a pleasant and polite woman, from whom Pam took a lot, and Jim was thankful for that. She had always been a rock for Pam, and Pam loved her, so Jim came to love her as well. After the divorce, she was distressed, but optimistic, which helped Pam through the awful ordeal. Family gatherings had become a bit awkward, but over the years it had gotten better—kids always had a way to light up a room.

“Jim…”

“Janet.” She embraced him.

“Is she awake? I came as soon as you called.”

“She is sleeping right now, still in the ICU … but alert.”

“That is great news...” Janet paused, sensing a lack of excitement in his voice. “What’s wrong Jim?”

Jim was silent. How was he supposed to tell her Pam wouldn’t remember her—her own mother? Not only that, but how was he supposed to admit his soul mate didn’t remember him either? He stood, awkwardly glancing past her, perhaps at the ceiling, before meeting her gaze again. “Janet…” he began, “She can’t remember.”

“What?” The question came out barely a whisper.

“She doesn’t remember things…” Jim began, tears agglomerating in the back of his eyes. Janet covered her mouth, in complete disbelief. “She didn’t know who I was…” He shifted uncomfortably, trying to recompose himself, “But we need to be there for her, she can’t afford to see us break. It is already confusing enough as it is.” Janet nodded. She couldn’t seem to absorb the situation before her. “The doctors think it could be temporary… but it’s still early to tell.”

“Can we go see her?

“Yeah, but she’s resting right now. The doctors have been on her the entire morning.” Janet was saddened; she wanted to see her daughter. “I was actually going for a walk, mind joining me?”

“Okay.”

They walked to the cafeteria, choosing to grab a bite. They were mostly silent, picking at the food. Jim mentioned work and the kids, but Janet rarely responded—she was still swallowing the knot stuck in her throat. Sensing her uneasiness, Jim decided they’d been away long enough. He stood up, throwing most of his sandwich away, and Janet followed, making their way to her room.

Jim entered quietly, while Janet lingered by the door. “Hey, you’re awake.”

“Yeah, there seems to be a lot of commotion here,” She said, stifling a yawn. She had managed to doze off, but between the beeping monitors and nurses filtering in and out, it made sleeping almost impossible.

“Well, you are in a hospital Beesly.”

“Bees what?” He noticed a smile tugging the corners of her lips.

“Beesly…It’s your maiden name…I…um…” He stammered, “I call you that sometimes”

“Oh…”

“Your mom is also here to see you,” Jim said, gesturing towards the door. Pam widened her eyes, stretching her neck to see the person standing by the door. She was fairly tall woman, with straight auburn hair, and very fair skin. She wore khaki pants, a light blue shirt, and minimal jewelry.

“Hi honey,” Janet said walking slowly towards Pam.

“Hi,” Pam said with tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. “I’m sorry…It’s just… I don’t…” Pam stammered, biting her bottom lip in an effortless attempt to keep it from quivering. Pam didn’t remember her either.

“It’s okay honey,” Janet said reaching for her hand, “We’re here for you.”

The room fell into an awkward silence as neither of them dared to speak. Pam didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know the two figures standing before her and apparently they didn’t know this new person either. Pam felt part of a puzzle where everyone seemed to know how the pieces matched except her.

The silence was interrupted by the persistent ring of Janet’s phone. She quickly fished it from her bag, pressing the hold key. She had been waiting to hear from Joe and Anne, Pam’s dad and younger sister, since she’d left home. She quickly excused herself, heading towards the hall. Somehow the atmosphere became lighter. Jim’s presence was comforting. Pam didn’t understand why, but she felt safer when he was around.

“Did you bring all these flowers?” Pam said admiring the small vases of flowers decorating the room.

“Some of them. The big one over there,” Jim said pointing to a vase with colorful daisies, “That one was from the people we work with.”

“Oh… They are all very nice!” Pam smiled—contemplating asking her next question. “Is there anyone else I should know about?”

“Well… Maybe. You have a dad and a sister who are driving up from Philadelphia. If you’re not ready to meet them, it’s okay…,” Jim said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “We’re just really happy you’re alright.”

“Okay.” Pam paused before asking her next question, “What happened?” Pam seemed more ready to ask questions than Jim was to answer them.

“Well…” Jim shifted uncomfortably in the chair, “You were driving home from your art class when a drunk driver hit you head-on. It was pretty bad.” Pam widened her eyes looking down at her herself. She could see the remnant scars, not to mention the cast still housing her left leg. “You’re getting better and the doctors are optimistic.”

“Why can’t I remember anything?” Her eyes were filling with tears once again.

“Um… you will, it’s just going to take some time.” This time Jim didn’t resist. He got up from the chair and embraced her. She felt the warmth of his body radiating through hers. “I will be here, always.” Pam smiled wiping the escaping tears down her cheeks, but quickly retracted herself from his embrace.

“Thank you.” She said sheepishly.

Janet returned, startling both Jim and Pam. “Jim, that was your mom, she’s been trying to reach you all day.”

“I left my phone in the car! Is everything ok?”

“Nothing’s wrong. She wanted an update on Pam and to ask what time you’re picking up the kids.”

“What kids?” Pam gasped, the color draining from her face. Her eyes widened, darting from Jim to Janet for an answer.

“I—We have two kids?”

“I should’ve told….”

“How long have we been married?”

“Four years...”

“How old are they?”

“Four and Two…”

“We’ve been married for fours year and we have a four-year-old?”

“Well, Ellie was a bit of a surprise…”

Pam wasn’t taken aback by idea of having children, per se. It was the notion of having two small pieces of her, of which she had no recollection. How can a mother forget her own children?Jim attempted to soothe her qualms, but after a while he knew she needed to sort this on her own. She had always needed time alone, even before the accident, and as much as it pained him, Jim decided to call it a night. He was tired. She was tired. He would return tomorrow, with a cleared head, to try again.

After picking up the kids, Jim drove somberly through the streets of Scranton. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was low in the horizon, providing a beautiful array of orange, yellow, and purple hues. Pam has always loved the contrast of color during a sunset. Arriving home, Jim parked his car and gazed at their children spilled over in their car seats. The past month or so had been extremely difficult for them. Jim tried his best, but without mommy…needless to say it had been hard. He slowly made his way out of the car, lifting Ben and then Ellie from their car seats.

“Daddy?” Ellie mumbled, drowsy from the car ride.

“Yes sweetie?” Jim said kissing the top of her head.

“I missed you.”

“Oh yeah? I missed you both,” Jim said, squeezing them tightly, lingering just enough to find her scent on them. He loved them so much. “Now…who wants pizza?” Both shouted excitedly before sprinting towards the front door. At Ellie’s request, Jim ordered pineapple pizza, which also happened to be her mother’s favorite. Ben was never fond of the ‘napple’ pieces, as he called them, and picked every chunk off his slice, much like his mother did with mushrooms.

After dinner it was bath time, which always ended with a soaked Jim and an unhappy Ben. Ben hated being in the tub—dressed, undressed, toys, no toys, water, no water, with daddy, with mommy—he just detested it. They had tried everything, and the only other option—not showering—was not actually an option.

“C’mon Ben… Look, it’s Spongebob!”

“No, no da-dy, noooo…”

“It’s okay …Look,” Jim said, swirling the water with his hand. “It’s fun!” But Ben wouldn’t have it. He held tightly to Jim’s neck, jumping, kicking, and screaming, as if the water was scorching hot. The neighbors probably thought the Halperts had an appointment with an exorcist every day. When it was finally over Jim enveloped him—them—in a towel and waited until Ben loosened his tight grasp around his neck. “Hey,” Jim said wiping the tears on his cheeks, the child’s lips still quivering from crying, “It’s all done buddy, okay? Let’s get you dressed now.”

Bedtime was smoother than bath time. Ben was still at an age where he would go to sleep on his own when left in his bed. Ellie, on the contrary, was a more intricate case. After tucking Ben in, Jim made his way to Ellie’s room, where he found her playing with her dolls. When Pam was pregnant with Ben, she didn’t want Ellie to be resentful of the new baby. So when Ben was born, Pam bought Ellie a doll with all the accessories—diapers, bottles, pacifiers— and she would have Ellie do the same to the dolls as she did to Ben. Since then Ellie would habitually play with her dolls.

“It’s bedtime, pretty lady,” Jim said entering her room.

“A little bit more, daddy?

“It’s bed time… Tomorrow you can play more.”

“Please, daddy? Pleeeeease?

“Ellie…” Jim said sternly. She looked defiantly at him; eyebrows knitted together, arms crossed across her chest. She is so much like he mother.

“Okay…” She surrendered, slumping down on top of the bed. Jim held up the covers and she ducked underneath them. He kissed her forehead, running his hand through the still damp curls on her head.

“Goodnight, sweetie. I love you.”

“Love you too, daddy.” Jim was almost out of the door when Ellie chimed in again. “Daddy?”

“Yeah El?”

“When is mommy coming home?”

Jim could never get used to that question. It had been asked many times, in several different ways, but the truth was, he didn’t know the answer. Not then, and not now. And after today, he didn’t even know if Pam would be willing to come home at all.

“Soon…” Jim responded.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah…” Jim said approaching her bed. He knew this routine way too well by now.

“I miss mommy.”

“I know sweetie, I miss her too—this much!” Jim said, stretching his arms from side to side. Ellie smiled; that same smile, the one that stole his heart. “It’s bedtime now, okay?”

“I don’t wanna sleep, daddy!” Jim didn’t have the strength to fight her tonight. He was less resourceful and resilient today, than most days. Besides, she was on the brink between sleep and awake anyways.

“C’mon,” Jim said, lifting her from the bed. “Wanna help me with the dishes?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said stifling a yawn.

The oven clock read 8:30 pm when they reached the kitchen; Ellie was promptly asleep by 8:50 pm. She just didn’t want to be alone, and neither did Jim. Jim sat on the couch with Ellie spilled over his lap for the next hour, listening to the humming of the dishwasher. Another day had gone by, and the uncertainties had simply amplified. But tomorrow would be another day; another day.
………………..
The following morning was daycare day, as it was known in the Halpert household. Pam had been hesitant with the idea of daycare, but Jim convinced her otherwise, assuring her it would be good for their children to interact with other kids their age. However, the first day had been disastrous, as Ellie resisted the best way she knew how—kicking and screaming. It had gotten better once she familiarized with the staff and the other children, but recently she had been particularly difficult—separation anxiety; they called it—and today was no different. Jim had another drop-off, filled with, “Don’t leave daddy,” and “Can I came with you,” before driving to the hospital. Her pleas stirred him to no extent.

Upon arriving at the hospital, Jim entered Pam’s room to find her clutching a few pieces of paper in her hands. Her eyes were reddened and swollen, a sign that she had been crying.

“Hey…What’s…”

“Did they draw this?” Pam interrupted, stretching the paper for him to see. “Did they?” Jim nodded, confirming her suspicion. The papers were Ellie’s and Ben’s get well cards—lopsided hearts, unidentifiable shapes and lines, with traced ‘I love you mommy’. Pam let her head fall back on the pillow, tears cascading down her cheeks. All night she had desperately tried to remember them, to see their faces, but nothing came. Nothing ever did.

“I…just…I can’t remember them,” Pam reasoned, defeated—frustration getting the best of her.

Jim reached for his back pocket, fishing for his wallet. “Here, this was taken last Christmas. This is Ellie and Ben.” Pam took the wallet size picture and gazed intently at it. The picture showed Ellie and Ben with matching red outfits on Santa’s lap. Pam ran her finger across the picture, tracing their smiling faces. “Ellie’s hair is much longer now.” Jim added.

“He—Ben looks just like you!”

“Yeah, that’s what people tell me,” Jim said with a lopsided smile. “Ellie looks like you though.”

“Yeah?”

“From the curls on her head to the tip of her toes. Although, she has my ears, but she is growing nicely into them.”

Pam chuckled, wiping the remanding tears descending her cheeks. “How…um… how are they?”

“They miss their mom.”

The room fell quiet as Pam continued to gaze at the picture, absorbing every minute detail. Even the wrinkled edges held an untold story. She could imagine the photograph being passed along as Jim proudly showed it off, retelling anecdotes of their little ones.

“Why can’t I remember them?”

“I don’t know Pam….” Jim said, snaking his arm around her, but quickly sensed her body tense under his fingertips. “I’m sorry.” He said, retracting his arm.

“I’m sorry too.” Pam wiped a few tears still feebly rolling down her cheeks, trying to recompose herself. She had to stop doing that every time Jim entered the room. “Is my mom coming today?”

“Yeah, she stayed at a hotel not too far from here. I asked her to stay at our house, but she wanted to wait for your sister and your dad. I think they’re all coming later.”

“Okay… um…" Pam paused, hesitating her next question, “Are you bringing the kids sometime?”

Jim’s smile widened, “I could bring them today if you want.”

“I think I would like that.”

Jim didn’t stay long. He had already taken the day before off, and assured Wallace he would be in Scranton in the afternoon. His current situation was accompanied by leniency at work, but he didn’t want to take advantage. At work Jim was the happiest he’d been in the past month. He busied himself, attempting to forget the ticking clock above the kitchen door. He really needed it to be five o’clock already.

At five o’clock Jim rushed out of the office, driving purposely to the daycare center. In the back of his mind, he was hesitant to bring the kids in. They expected mommy to be, well, mommy, and Jim didn’t know how Pam would take on the role. At the daycare he was greeted with two of the three smiles that fulfilled him to no extent. He carried Ellie and Ben to the car, buckled them in and drove to the hospital as Ellie recounted her day. During her breathing intervals, Jim would respond accordingly. But when she seemed to be emptied from talking, Jim decided it was his turn.

“Hey El, Do you wanna see mommy today?” He knew the last time hadn’t gone so well. “I know mommy wants to see you. She misses you a whole bunch.”

“Mommy’s not sleeping anymore daddy?”

“Nope… And she really misses you guys.”

“Did mommy’s boo-boos go away?”

“Not all of them…”

Ellie thought about it for a minute before responding, “Daddy, I wanna see mommy.” Jim felt the thumping of her feet against the back of his seat. He could hear her whispering “Ben, Ben! We’re gonna see mommy." But Ben was dozing off, with his head bobbing to the side, not bothered by his sister’s pleas. Arriving at the hospital, Ellie seemed very eager to go inside. But as soon as they were in the elevator, she became hesitant, hiding behind Jim’s leg. Jim could barely walk down the hall with her clutching so sternly to his pants leg.

“Ellie sweetie, daddy can’t walk!” She didn’t move, so Jim continued to drag her down the hall. Once arriving in front of the door, Jim bent down to her level, with Ben still dozing on his shoulder. “Mommy’s boo-boos still hurt… I want you to be very careful with her, okay?”
Ellie nodded.

Jim slowly opened the door, his heart pounding anxiously in his chest. “We’re here…” Jim said, watching Pam’s gaze dart between Ben on his shoulder and the small figure hiding behind him.

“Hey…” As soon as Ellie heard her mother’s voice, she darted from behind Jim and ran straight towards the bed.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Pam reached her arms down and lifted the little girl to the side on the bed. Pam couldn’t contain the tears rolling down her face. She had been mentally preparing for this moment ever since Jim’s visit this morning. Meeting her dad and sister today was overwhelming, but meeting someone you helped create was another ballgame. These little beings were no one’s but hers—and Jim’s of course. Pam’s heart was almost exploding from the fulfillment she felt. The sentiment was so new and so grand that it almost overpowered her.

“Hi…” Pam whispered in her daughter hair.

“Mommy I missed you!” Ellie clutched Pam’s neck, almost impairing her breathing. Pam looked at Jim, smiling. Pure adoration was evident in his eyes.

“I missed you too!” Pam said, running her hand through Ellie’s hair, over her face, and arms…

“Hey,” Jim said approaching with Ben. “It seems his nap is going on overtime.”

“Yeah?” Pam chuckled. The boy looked just like his father.

“Ben… Hey, buddy, wake up! Wake up Ben,” Jim whispered, nudging Ben awake. His eyes opened slowly, still heavy with sleep. “Look… it’s mommy!” Ben rubbed his eyes, looking around the strange surroundings; a yawn escaping him, causing Pam to chuckle at his adorableness.

“Mommy,” Ben said, reaching his arms out for her. Jim lowered him carefully, placing him on the opposite side to Ellie. Pam kissed the top of his head, sensing something familiar about his scent—their scent. She embraced both children tightly, never wanting to let go.

“Mommy you’re squishing me!”

“Sorry…” Pam said, loosening her grip. Her eyes darted to Jim, who mouthed, it’s ok. She shifted in the bed making room for the three on them—perhaps it could fit one more. Pam patted an empty spot, urging Jim to take a seat, which he did.

Ellie did most of the talking, telling her mother how she could tie her shoes, and that daddy had brought her and Ben to the park, and how Ben had taken one of her dolls. Pam listened carefully to the little girl, chuckling at her mispronunciations. Pam would look at Jim whenever a name was mentioned, or a place she didn’t know. Jim would mouth the answer or include it in a sentence somehow. Ben was busy stacking and crushing the few empty Styrofoam cups on the table, unaware of what was going on. They ordered some cafeteria food and ate it as a family, for the first time in more than a month.

It wasn’t long before Ellie and Ben surrender to sleep, their limbs sprawled, and their mouths parted—ever so slightly—slumbering in the comfort of their mother’s embrace. Bed time had come a little bit faster today than most days.

“They are so beautiful.”

“I know…”

“So…um…” Pam stammered, “Ellie was a surprise?”

“Yeah, but in our defense we were engaged and living together. We were actually going to elope a week before we found out, but we opted for a wedding, wedding instead.”

“Was Ben a surprise too?”

“He wasn’t a surprise per se,” Jim said scratching the back of his neck, “We weren’t being very cautious with...um… Yeah... So, when the five hour naps returned, we knew we were expecting.”

“Five hour naps?”

“Yes! A minimal of five hours, actually!”

“Oh… that’s a long nap.”

“Thank you for finally agreeing with me!”

“You know…..the doctor said I could go home this weekend, if I'm ready?”

“Do you think you’re ready?”

Their eyes met, wasting no time in putting their feelings into words. Jim slowly reached for her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers—the perfect fit.

Pam looked down at their hands, heart pounding in her chest. “I think I am.”

Pam sat in the passenger seat of the car, one hand clutching the armrest, the other fidgeting with the seatbelt strap—she was nervous. She could see Jim in her periphery, fingers drumming on the steering wheel, eyes glancing at the side mirrors—or perhaps at her. Rain drops trickled down the windshield, as more clouds agglomerated above them. It looked like a summer shower was headed their way.

Inside the car, Pam felt safe. There was something inviting—comforting—about the car. Perhaps it was the car seats strapped in the back, or the toys piled near her feet, or even the stains revamping the car’s interior. Whatever it was, it felt right. She reached for a particular crusty stain at the edge of her seat, and proceeded to scrape it with her fingernail.

“Sorry about that, I was going to clean it, but….”

“Oh no, it’s ok….it’s um… very decorative.”

Jim chuckled, “Then, you’ll love the patterns on our living room couch.”

“I don’t know. These are pretty colorful.”

“Well, if you flip some of the cushions you might see color.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

In the past week, Pam had gotten to know Jim better. Besides the obvious—friendly, polite, and easy-going—she’d learned more about his personal life, as well as bits and pieces of her own life that came along with his anecdotes. But what made the greatest impression was his attentiveness towards her and the kids. Even him driving—breaking slowly, avoiding potholes as not to inflict pain in her injured leg—spoke immensely about him. She couldn’t imagine going home—wherever it was, with anyone else.

“We are almost there.” Jim said, turning into their street. For Jim, this moment was like a flashback from four years ago. All the uncertainty and reservation he felt before showing her their house surfaced. He could only hope to get the same response from her.

“And… Here we are.” Jim said, pulling into the driveway.

Pam began studying the house before her—flowery bushes around its facade, an oversized tree shadowing its side, and toys left haphazardly on the lawn. She had been here before. Jim made his way to her side, retrieving the crutches from the backseat, before lowering her gently to the ground.

“Shall we go in?”

“Um… Yeah.”

Jim opened the door, gesturing for her to enter. She maneuvered inside, and he followed with his hand protectively on her back. Pam stood in the small entrance hallway, observing the portraits hanging on the wall. One picture was of Jim with a young Ellie on his lap, and her with a baby Ben in her arms—a family portrait. She ran her hand over the glass frame, collecting a bit of dust between her fingers.

“We took that at Sears the year Ben was born,” Jim explained. “You wanted a picture of all of us. The one before had only Ellie.” Pam smiled, running her fingers over the not-so-smiling faces staring back on the adjacent portrait. “That one was difficult,” Jim continued. “Ellie wouldn’t stay put and Ben was colicky the whole day.” Jim watched her smile lovingly at the pictures.

“They look adorable.”

“Yeah, they do.”

Pam continued down the hallway, entering the living room. She was awestruck by a painting hanging above of the couch. It was a beautiful landscape, so peaceful, so calm, so…

“You painted that.”

Pam’s eyes widened, darting between the painting and Jim. Jim had told her she liked doing illustrations, but this… this was different. This was an artist at his or her best. Pam doubted it was hers until she found her initials, P.M.H., written in cursive on the bottom right-hand corner. She looked back at Jim, who stood next to her, also contemplating the masterpiece.

“It’s something, right?”

“It’s um… Yeah.” Pam was speechless.

“It won first place at this exhibit. It was displayed in a gallery in Philadelphia for a whole month.”

Pam continued to scrutinize the scenery portrayed in the painting. There was something about that painting that she just couldn’t put her finger on. Had she been there before? She looked up at Jim and found him smiling suspiciously at her. Would Jim know? Pam brushed off the thought and continued looking around the room, finding other paintings that were equally remarkable.

“Yep, you painted those too!” Jim said before she could ask.

“Wow…” Pam was in complete awe. Jim found her reaction fascinating because up until today, Pam had been her worse critic.

Pam turned her focus to the coffee table in the middle of the living room, housing various picture frames. Photographs of Ellie and Ben in highchairs covered in food, at the beach, and blowing out birthday candles, were among them. There was a particular picture of her pregnant self, with Jim pointing to her stomach. Pam picked up the picture, looking intently at it.

“That’s Ellie,” Jim clarified, pointing at the picture. “It was the day you first felt her kick…I think you were five months.”

“That’s five months?” Pam said in disbelief.

“Yeah… We hid it for the first four—because of the wedding, but man did it grow fast after that.”

Pam chuckled, looking down at her stomach—flat. “I can’t believe that this,” she pointed to herself, “Was that!”

“Yeah, incredible uh?

“Yeah…”

Pam placed the picture back in its place, glancing at other photographs of her looking happy and cheery, not confused, or disoriented. Pam was jealous of the woman in those photographs. She desperately wanted to find her, but didn’t know where to look.

You wanna continue the tour?” Jim asked, interrupting her momentary daze.

“Um yeah…still waiting to see the Olympic size pool!”

Jim chuckled, fishing for his phone that began vibrating in his pants’ pocket. “Sorry, it’s my mom,” Jim said, flipping open the phone. “Hey mom… Good… Just got here…She’s good…Okay…I’ll be there … Okay… Bye.”

Pam looked worriedly at Jim. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, she was wondering if I could pick up the kids a little earlier… Her doctor called asking if she could make an earlier appointment.”

“Why don’t we just get’em now?”

“I wanted you to get familiar with the house before they got here.”

“Then I’ll just stay.”

“I don’t know…”

“I’ll be fine. Just go. I miss them already.” Pam did miss them. Their enthusiasm towards her made her feel like she was the woman in all those pictures.

“Alright. But if you need anything, call. The numbers are on the fridge.”

“Okay…”

Jim exited the house, leaving Pam to inspect it herself. She walked into the kitchen, stopping in front of the fridge, embellished with pictures, magnets, and some of the kids’ artwork. A particular magnet caught her attention. It was a save-the-date with a picture of a beautiful couple. She wondered who they were. She proceeded to open the fridge, gazing incredulously at the amounts of yogurt occupying the first shelf. Who eats that much yogurt? A green tea pot on top of the stove called her attention. She walked over and lifted its lid—empty. Somehow she had hoped to find something inside. She rummaged through the kitchen a bit more, before deciding to go upstairs.

Pam slowly climbed the steps, stopping every so often to contemplate more pictures hung along the walls. When she reached the top, she entered the first room on the left. The bedroom was painted blue with decorative baby boats, lighthouses, and anchors along the walls. The bed sat in the corner of the room, its comforter matching the curtain’s design. A trail of toys on the floor led to a toy chest by the wall. Pam walked over to the closet and opened its sliding door, fingering the small shirts, sweaters, and jackets hanging from tiny hangers. Everything is so small.

She walked out of the first room and entered the next room across the hall. Pam was amazed by how coordinated and detailed the room was. The walls were a soft green with colorful flowers painted deliberately along the walls. A dresser and a nightstand were on either side of the bed, and a kitchen set was found in the opposite corner. The bedding’s flowery design matched that of the walls and curtains. There were shelves upon shelves of dolls and teddy bears. Pam examined the room carefully before continuing her way down the hallway.

Pam finally reached their bedroom. In comparison to the kids, this room was simpler. The walls were a serene blue with white curtains draped along the length of a large bay window. The centrally located bed was fairly large, with nightstands on either side, and a bench at its foot. Pam walked over to the dresser opposite the bed, noticing a wedding picture of her and Jim. She wore a white strapless dress and Jim a black tux. She could barely make out the supposed baby-bump hidden under the embroidery of the dress. Pam was startled when she heard the front door open.

“Pam?” Jim called out, “We’re back.”

Pam could hear small footsteps making their way up the stairs and a smile was immediately plastered on her face.

“Mommy!” Ellie and Ben said in unison as they ran into the bedroom. It was amazing how her heart skipped a beat every time she heard the word mommy.

“Hey, guys! I missed you!” Pam moved to the bed and pulled them up to her lap, kissing each child.

“Mommy what’s that?” Ellie asked, pointing to the brace on her leg.

“It’s something to make my leg better.”

“Oh…”

“So, what did you guys do at grandma’s today?”

“We made cookies!” Ellie replied, holding a small package.

“Cookies!” Ben exclaimed, throwing his arms excitedly into the hair.

“It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun!” Pam said, unable to hide how contented she was to be holding them.

“Hey,” Jim said, entering the room.

“Hi…”

“So, impressed yet?”

“Well, I didn’t get to meet my butler...”

“Oh, we had to let him go…” Jim said taking a seat next to her and pulling Ben to his lab, “But, are you hungry?”

“Yeah, actually.”

“I was thinking, dinner—”

“Can we go to the place we draw on the tables?” Ellie chimed in.

“That’s for breakfast sweetie.” Jim chuckled, “I thought of staying in, since it’s still raining out.”

“Yeah, that’s good.” Pam replied.

“Okay then, it’s settled.”

They made their way downstairs, Jim helping Pam maneuver carefully down each step. They exchanged glances, and Jim instinctively snaked his arm around her. His touch was always very gentle and careful, but Pam couldn’t stop herself from tensing up under his fingertips. A tingly sensation would run up and down her spine causing her muscles to tighten very time he made contact with her.

“Who wants to watch Simba?” Jim asked, as they reached the last step.

“I do, I do!” Ellie exclaimed.

“Simba?” Ben asked.

“Yeah buddy, the lion Grrrrr….” Jim got on all fours chasing Ellie and Ben around the living room. The kids jumped from couch to couch attempting to escape the lion. Their giggles filled the room as Jim seized them, bringing them to the floor. “I got you, Grrrrrrr .” Pam watched with a smile on her face as Jim eventually crashed down to the floor with both kids above him.

“We got you daddy.” Ellie exclaimed winded.

“Gotch- you!” Ben parroted.

“You did. You guys are very strong.” Jim said winking at Pam, eliciting her laughter. “Okay, let’s watch Simba now.” Jim put the DVD in and settled the kids in the living room before leaving to the kitchen to start dinner.

“Okay,” Jim said walking towards Pam, “We have about twenty minutes tops before they get bored with the movie.”

“Okay…”

“I was thinking grilled cheese, since it’s my specialty, as far as cooking goes. But if you have any other preference….”

“Grilled cheese sounds good.”

“Grilled cheese it is!”

Jim walked to the kitchen and Pam followed. He opened a cabinet door, taking out two cans of tomato soup and bread before retrieving a frying pan and a pot from the bottom cabinet.

“Do you need any help?”

“Sure. Can you get the butter and the cheese from the fridge?”

“Yeah.” Pam opened the fridge door looking through its contents. “Butter and cheese, butter and cheese…” She repeated to herself. She grabbed the cheese packet and the butter and placed it on top of the kitchen counter.

“Thank you.” Jim replied.

Pam closed the fridge door, eyeing the save-the-date again. “Who are they?”

“Who?” Jim said stretching his neck to see what she was pointing at.

“The couple in this picture.”

“Oh… that’s Mark and his fiancée, Lisa. He was my roommate for a long time before I moved to Stamford. They’re finally getting married.”

“Oh…um… you moved to Stamford?”

Oh boy. “Yeah… for a few months … I was promoted to assistant regional manager there.”

“Why did you come back?”

“The Stamford branch closed and merged with the Scranton branch.” Jim said matter-of-factly.

“Was that when we met?” Pam asked, fiddling with the charm on her necklace.

Jim kept his eyes fixated on the bread, spreading way too much butter. “Um…We knew each other before I left.”

“So, we started dating when you came back?”

“Yeah, after… after I came back.” Jim said scratching the back of his neck.

Pam noticed his demeanor tightened and decided not to push the subject further. Whatever happened while he was away in Stamford couldn’t have anything to do with her. She continued to watch him as he began to flip the bread on the frying pan. The delicious aroma of the tomato soup filled the room.

“It smells pretty good.” She said, approaching the stove.

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.”

Pam began pacing around the kitchen; fiddling with the plated and the utensils on the counter. Jim could feel her eyes on him. He looked at her quizzically, but she simply shook her head, smiling sheepishly at him. He knew she wanted something. The way she twisting her fingers and the way her mouth curved was a big tell.

“What?” Jim asked.

Pam looked hesitantly at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Um… Sure….”

“What was I … like…um… before the accident?”

Jim was not expecting that. “What were you like? I don’t…”

“I mean, I see the pictures. But there’s only so much I can tell from them.”

“Well… you were….” Jim fumbled with his words. “You were…you. I know it’s not the answer you were probably looking for. But you are the woman in those pictures. You just need—”

“I don’t feel like her,” Pam interrupted, frustration in her voice. “I don’t think I can be her.”

“Don’t say that.” Jim’s voice a pleading whisper.

“Jim, you need—” Pam was interrupted by Ellie entering the kitchen.

“Can I have a cookie?”

“Dinner is almost ready.” Jim said, hiding the knot in his throat.

“Please Daddy, just one?”

“After dinner sweetie.” Ellie turned on her feet and stomped to the living room.

An awkward silence reigned in the kitchen. The only noise came from the sizzling sound of the frying pan. Pam didn’t mean to upset Jim. She just didn’t want him to have these high expectations she couldn’t live up to. The doctor said she might remember things again, but she felt helpless.

“Dinner’s ready.” Jim said, soberly walking out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna get the kids.”

“Okay.” Pam watched Jim walk past her and into the living room.

They ate dinner listening to Ellie talk. Pam was very attentive to her, almost encouraging her to keep talking. She wanted to dissipate the tension between her and Jim. Ben took a few of bites of his grilled cheese and began fussing in his chair, arching his back in the hopes of being released from his booster seat.

“Ben you have to eat before you leave the table.” Jim said.

“Noooo, no hungry!”

“You are not leaving until you’re done.”

Ben began kicking his legs, trying to free himself—his efforts in vain. Pam got up from her seat and began cutting small pieces of the bread on his plate.

“Here,” Pam said giving Ben the small pieces, which he hesitantly took. She dipped the pieces into the tomato soup and made airplane sounds before placing it in his mouth. When he finished eating, she gave him a big kiss and released him from the chair. Ben quickly slid from it and ran to the living room.

She looked up at Jim and he smiled at her. “That’s who you are.”

After dinner Jim and Pam retreated to the kitchen, cleaning up while Ellie and Ben played in the family room. Jim grinned as Pam gazed at the kids whenever an unfamiliar clatter was heard. He was thankful that, from the moment she met the kids, she remained the concerned parent—the mother in her still obvious. Jim couldn’t imagine having to assume that responsibility overnight—he had months to prepare. But, regardless of her current condition, Jim knew that’s who Pam would always be.

“I think we’re done here,” he said, drying his hand on his pants.

“It looks that way,” she smiled, taking one last look around the kitchen. “What do we do now?”

“Well, this is when the fun begins…It’s bath time.” Jim said, a smug smile tugging the corners of his lips.

Pam raised one eyebrow, looking suspiciously at him. One thing about Jim was his very expressive face, which was an indicator of his intentions. From his current guise, Pam knew she was in for a ride, and bath time didn’t disappoint. Pam got to see Ben’s terrified act, leaving Jim and the bathroom soaking wet. She was dumbfounded by his inexplicable fear of the tub. Even if Jim had mentioned it to her, it wouldn’t have prepared her for what she saw.

“Has he always been like this?” Pam said, rubbing Ben’s back worriedly as he clutched tightly to Jim’s neck. She hated seeing Ben so distressed.

“Pretty much. Ever since we made the transition from the baby tub. We’ve tried everything. I just hope he’ll eventually grow out of it.”

“He’s really scared of whatever he thinks is in that tub!”

“Yes he is!” Jim said, enveloping a whimpering Ben in a towel.

Pam followed Jim to Ben’s room, where he proceeded to diaper and clothe Ben. Pam was relieved when Ben’s hiccupping sobs reverted to soft moans. She never wanted to see her baby like that ever again. When Ben was ready and in his jammies, Jim signaled Pam to sit on the rocking chair so he could lower him to her arms.

“Rock him for a little bit and he should go to sleep. I’ll get Ellie ready.” Jim said softly, handing her his blanket.

Pam embraced Ben, watching him rub his eyes shut as he snuggled on her chest. His breathing calmed, but every now and again he would inhaled and exhale audibly—slowly recovering from his crying episode. Pam began rocking him, running her hand over the boy’s hair, amazed at how much Ben was like Jim—from the curve of this lips, to the way he walked. Even Ben’s tiny fingers and toes were miniatures of Jim’s. Pam wondered what part of herself she contributed to him.

Ben was already asleep when Jim returned to the bedroom, wearing a different shirt. The one he had worn before was wet from Ben’s bath time nightmare.

“He’s asleep, huh?”

“Yeah. I think he was exhausted from bath time.”

Jim chuckled, “Yeah… that’s one theory!”

“Hey…” Pam’s eyes darted between Jim and Ben, peacefully spilled over her arms. “Are you sure he’s mine too?

What do you mean?”

“I mean… I know he is mine,” Pam said matter-of-factly. “It’s just…He is so much like you that I can’t see any part of me in him.”

“Here,” Jim said, carefully lifting Ben from her arms. He raised his pajama shirt just above his bellybutton, exposing a small mark on his left side. “See?” Jim asked, and Pam nodded. Jim pointed towards the same spot on her, eliciting her to lift her own shirt. She sheepishly peaked under her blouse, finding the same distinct mark there.

“Wow…”

“Yeah, we don’t know what exactly that is, but we know he got it from you.” Jim said repositioning Ben is his arms. “A genetic anomaly!”

“Umm… Yeah.”

“He is definitely yours,” Jim said grinning.

Jim walked over to Ben’s bed, tucked him in, and kissed him goodnight. He then extended his hand to Pam, who was still obviously in awe from the recent realization.

“C’mon,” Jim said, pulling her gently to her feet. “We have another one to tuck in.” Pam placed the crutches under her arms and slowly made her way to kiss Ben goodnight before following Jim to Ellie’s room.

Upon arriving in Ellie’s room, they found her sitting on the floor, struggling to get her pajamas on. It was amazing how Pam could clearly see the obvious resemblance between her and the little girl. The curly hair, the eyes, and nose were a miniature of hers, and according to Jim, Ellie’s timid personality was also a gift from her.

“Here El,” Jim said walking over to her. “Let me help you.” Jim bent down removed the tangled shirt she had managed put on, untangled it, and slid it back on her. Then, Ellie held onto Jim’s shoulder, balancing on one leg, while he helped her with the pants.

“Okay, you’re ready, missy?”

Ellie jumped on the bed and crawled under the covers, “Ready.”

“Goodnight pretty girl,” Jim said, lowering down to kiss her forehead.

“ ‘Night daddy.”

“Goodnight honey.” Pam said, planting a kiss on her as well.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to be sick again?”

“Oh…” The blood drained from Pam’s face, and her muscles quickly tensed under her skin. Pam’s eyes darted towards Jim, but he stood motionless, gazing at the floor with his hands in his pockets. “I… don’t think so….um… why?”

“I don’t want you to leave again.”

Ellie’s response tugged at Pam’s heartstrings. Pam walked to Ellie’s bed and sat next to her. “I’d never leave you, okay?”

Ellie sat up, landing a sloppy kiss on Pam’s cheek. “Okay mommy. Love you!”

“Love you too.” Pam walked out of the room with tears welling in the back of her eyes. She blinked several times in a futile attempt to dry them away.

“Are you ok?” Jim asked, seeing how Ellie’s query had shaken her.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah...”

“If you’re up for it, I still have one last thing I want to show you.” Jim said, reaching for her hand.

“Really? What is it?” Pam said, wiping a few feeble tears that escaped her eyes.

“C’mon…” Jim said, guiding her down the hallway, “We have to go outside.”

“Outside?”

“Kinda.”

“Okay…” Pam nodded hesitantly, still questioning his motive.

They walked out the front door and Jim left Pam standing by the porch while he walked across the soggy lawn to open the garage door. He quickly returned, cleaning his hands on his pants. “C’mon,” Jim said, gesturing with his hand. “I’ll carry you over.” Pam nodded, still a bit hesitant—the dim porch light preventing her from studying his face. Jim placed his hands protectively behind her back and knees, scooped her up effortlessly, and carried her over to the front of the garage.

“What is this?” Pam said, gazing at the room before her.

“This…is your art studio.” Jim said, lowering her to the ground. If there was a place Jim thought Pam might remember, it would be her art studio. She’d spent most of her free time here—painting, sketching, and drawing. In fact, this was the room that sold her on the house. Jim was hopeful that this room, if nothing else, would trigger something.

Pam gathered her crutches under her arms, gazing at all the paintings and sketches hung around the spacious room. “Wow… I have a studio?”

“Yes you do.” This was actually Jim’s first time in Pam’s art studio since the accident. He hadn’t trusted himself to enter this room and not have an emotional breakdown.

Pam walked over to an easel standing in the middle of the room with a canvas resting on it. She couldn’t quite make out what it was. There was color—lots of it, and the beginnings of some curved outline. Pam tilted her head to the side, trying to obtain a better viewpoint.

“You were working on that before the…” Jim said, trailing off the thought. “It’s not done.”

“Oh…”

“I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be. You never tell me until I have an educated guess.”

“I have no idea either.”

“Okay,” Jim said, understandingly, though disappointed. “Whenever you want to come here, and give this all a shot—don’t hesitate.”

“Yeah… but I don’t think I...”

“Just try okay?” Jim insisted.

Pam hesitated, her eyes dancing around the room, before meeting his gaze again. “Okay.”

“Thank you.” Jim said, noticing Pam stifling a yawn. “I think we should call it a night.”

“Yeah… I agree.”

Jim nodded, flicking the light-switch off before pulling the garage door closed. He carried Pam back into the house and helped her maneuver up the stairs. Jim walked her over to their bedroom, but stopped at the door.

“The room is all yours.” Jim said, leaning against the door frame.

“Oh… But where are you going to sleep?”

“We have a guest bedroom. I’ll be there.”

“I can sleep there, you know? This is your room…”

“It’s yours too…. I think you’ll be more comfortable here.”

Pam smiled genuinely, “Thank you.”

“Um… If you need anything, I’m down the hall. And if the kids come during the night, just bring them back to bed or wake me up—they can be pretty persuasive.”

“Will do…”

“Let me just get a few things and I’ll be right out.” Jim walked over to his dresser and fished out a few pieces of clothes and threw them over his shoulders. He also walked into their bathroom and retrieved his toothbrush. “Alright, I think I’m all set. Oh…um… Your pajamas are in the third drawer of the dresser.”

“Oh... thanks.”

“Goodnight Pam.”

“Goodnight Jim.”
………………
Pam woke up to the beeping of the alarm clock resting on the nightstand. She intuitively reached her arm out, slamming her hand on the snooze button. She perched herself up, narrowing her eyes to the morning light peering through the curtains. She was slowly adjusting, when she heard the pitter-patter of small feet outside her bedroom door. And it didn’t take long before the door squeaked open, revealing a smiling face peeking through the aperture.

“Mommy?” She heard Ellie whisper.

“Where do you think you’re going little lady?” Pam heard Jim call from outside. Jim’s query went unnoticed as Ellie continued to push the door open with both hands. She was almost through the door when Jim caught her amid her stride.

“I’m wanna see mommy.” Ellie exclaimed, squirming in Jim’s arms.

“Mommy’s still asleep, sweetie.” Jim whispered, turning on his heel to shut the bedroom door quietly behind him.

“No, it’s ok… I’m up.” Pam chimed in, running her hands through her sleep tousled hair. Jim turned on his heel, reluctantly entering the room. He hesitated, but let the fidgeting child loose from his grip. Ellie ran to the bed and launched into Pam’s arms.

“G’morning mommy!”

“Good morning there.” Pam said, kissing her rosy cheeks.

“We’re going to the park today!” Ellie exclaimed, with a big smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Pam gazed down at her adoringly.

“We are?” Pam said, eyes darting towards Jim.

“Daddy said when you woke up we could go,” Ellie continued.

“Yeah,” Jim chimed in, walking further into the bedroom. “Daddy also said to wait for mommy to wake up.”

“I was up... really,” Pam insisted.

Jim walked closer to the bed, eyeing the mischief plastered on his child’s face. “Now, little lady,” Jim said, scooping her off the bed, “Let’s let mommy get ready.” He planted kisses on Ellie’s exposed belly, eliciting a fit of giggles from her. “C’mon,” he said lowering her to the floor. “Let’s go tell Ben we are going to the park...” Ellie skipped out of the room, yelling for Ben.

“So, we’re going to the park?” Pam said, stifling a yawn.

“If you want…The kids don’t do too well at home all day. Letting them run around makes naptime a breeze.”

Pam chuckled, propping herself to a full sitting position. “Yeah, it should be fun.”

“It will… A day with the Halperts is always fun.”

“Is that right?” Pam said, teasing.

“Wait and see Bees, today is going to kick your ass!”

Pam gazed suspiciously at the lanky form of a man leaving the bedroom. Even with his disheveled hair and stained plaid pajama pants, Jim looked really good. Before this morning, Pam had only seen Jim in his work attire—tie, button-down shirts, and dress pants. Seeing him comfortably dressed, with his hair raining down over his eyes, caught her off guard. Not to mention his teeth—not his smile or his beautiful green eyes—no, his teeth. She blushed at her ridiculous observation.

Pam swiveled her feet off the bed, wincing as her toes touched the cold floor. She languidly reached for her crutches and made her way towards the bathroom. She gasped at the her image reflecting in the mirror—curls jumbled everywhere, eyes swollen with sleep, and a trail of something dry leading from her mouth. She quickly bent over the faucet, washing herself awake.

She grabbed a hairbrush off the side of the sink and began running through her hair—bad decision. The brush only encouraged her curls into disarray. She quickly opened the medicine cabinet, finding an elastic sitting among other hair stuff. She pulled her hair back and tied it in a ponytail. She went back to the bedroom and began opening every drawer, looking for something she thought was park appropriate. She pulled open a drawer, widening her eyes, as it revealed many of Jim’s underwear. She looked absorbedly at them, not noticing Jim standing by the door.

“I don’t think it’s there.” Pam was momentarily startled and rapidly shut the dresser drawer—on her finger.

“Owww!” She yelped and instinctively brought her finger to her mouth.

Jim hurried towards her, tugging at her hand. “Let me see.”

“It really hurts.” She withdrew her hand, her eyes glistening with tears.

“I know. Let me see,” Jim insisted, gently prying her hand away from her mouth. Her finger showed no cut, but was red. “Can you bend it? Does it hurt?”

“No…Owww.” Pam cried as Jim compressed the tip of her finger.

“Sorry,” Jim said gently rubbing her finger between his palms. “It’s not broken, it’s just sore from the impact.”

Pam turned her head away from Jim, feeling embarrassed. “I feel stupid.”

“Hey,” Jim said turning her face to him. “Don’t.”

“It still hurts.”

“I know.” he said, planting a kiss on her finger. He grinned when he saw her blush. “I think we should put some ice on it just to be safe.”

“Okay.”

Jim pulled her into a hug, placing a few stray curls behind her ear. It felt so good to have her so close to him again. He really missed her touch. Pam, in turn, melted in his embrace. He was so much taller than her that his body enclosed snuggly around hers. Jim pulled away just enough to see her face again.

“When I said it was going to kick your ass, I didn’t mean it literally Bees.”

She chuckled, burrowing her face in his chest. “I know it was all part of your evil plan,” she said teasingly.

Jim smiled, looking adoringly at her. “You know, you could take part in my secret evil plan.”

“Really?” Pam asked feigning interest.

“The question is, do you accept?” Pam looked impishly at Jim, twisting her mouth in thought. Jim could see the wheels turning in her head as she devised her answer.

“Absolutely I do.” She responded appropriately.

Jim’s mouth hung open as his mind wrapped around what Pam had just uttered. “W-what did you just say?” He stared at her in disbelief, causing her to become uneasy.

“I-I...um… do accept.”

“No… you said um…”

“I accept…” Pam searched Jim’s face, confused.

“You remembered,” he whispered to himself, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“What?”

“You remembered,” he had a contagious smile plastered on his face.

“Remembered what?”

“A long time ago, I told you if you were to ever accept something secret you reply, ‘Absolutely I do.’ It was about Dwight, but…” Jim trailed off, lifting his hand to his hair, tousling it in disbelief. “You remembered.”

“It’s just a phrase…I don’t think….” Pam began, but was interrupted by Jim pulling her off her feet and spinning her around. “Jim…”

Jim stopped, cupping her face in his hand, their foreheads touching, his hair raining over her eyes.

“You remembered.”

-
-
-

Pam stood motionless in the middle of the bedroom, trying to wrap her head around what had just happened. Had I really remembered something? She felt exactly the same as before, and it wasn’t a moment of clarity like she’d imagined. She’d simply accepted Jim’s invitation to be part of his secret plan. The irony being that, she couldn’t remember her exact phrasing—the apparent reminiscence. But a timid feeling made her shudder. For all intents and purposes, she might have remembered—maybe.

Jim’s reaction was also forever engraved in her mind. His contagious smile and the way his eyes sparkled with hope and anticipation made her actually believe—for an instant—that she had indeed remembered. It was as if his elation had diffused through an unseen channel between them. She could still feel his warm hands cupping her face, his hair drizzling over her eyes, and his heart pulsating—in sync, with hers. Pam was mesmerized that something as minuscule as a response brought Jim—and her, so much joy.

She panned her eyes around the room once more, imagining events that might have taken place between the serene blue walls, events she no longer remembered, events that fleeted without warning. Memories of midnight talks, whispered secrets, and hushed laughter that escaped with an early spring breeze. She dismissed the emotional cocktail coursing through her veins and continued to get dressed, opting for a pair of capris and a pink top. She grabbed a visor hanging in the closet and a pair of keds from next to the bed. She then stepped out into the hallway, finding Jim, still in his pajamas, holding a squirming Ben.

“Oh good, you’re ready!” Jim exclaimed, that same contagious smile still displayed on his face

“Yeah, is this ok?” She asked, gesturing her hands up and down her torso.

“Yeah, it’s perfect.” Jim said, narrowing the distance between them. “You’re not using the crutches?”

“No, they hurt me a lot. So I’ll try without it today.”

“Okay,” Jim said, placing a baseball cap on Ben’s head. “Ben here is ready, I just have to get myself and Ellie dressed.”

“Do you need any help? I can take Ben.”

“Okay…” Jim said, lowering Ben to her arms. “I made breakfast. So feel free to pick at anything you want in the kitchen. Ben and Ellie already ate, which accounts for the mess.”

“Okay,” Pam chuckled, “I’ll go do that.” Pam hoisted Ben on her hip and began making her way carefully down the stairs.

“Oh…” Jim shouted from the top of the stairs. “How is your finger?”

“It’s better…” Pam smiled at his concern towards her.

“Good!”

Pam reached the kitchen, finding the mess Jim had mentioned. Sippy cups and half-eaten pancakes were forgotten on brightly colored plates, while a frying pan, coated with pancake batter, sat on the stove. She walked over to the table, retrieved two pancakes, and poured herself the rest of the orange juice.

A toy car under the table caught Ben’s eyes, causing him to slide from her lap and crawl under the table. She watched him compose engine sounds as he dragged the car around the kitchen floor. As soon as Pam was done eating, she began to instinctively clean the kitchen, tossing the leftovers and washing the dishes. The minute she averted her eyes from Ben, he knocked over the juice container, spilling it on the table and floor.

“Uh-oh,” Ben said, watching the juice drip from the table.

“What happened, Ben?” Pam asked, watching Ben coyly press his lips together.

“Juicy,” Ben said, pointing to the yellow liquid oozing from the table to the floor.

Just then, Jim entered the kitchen holding Ellie, her hair in complete disarray. The beginnings of a ponytail evident, but not yet finalized. “What happened here?”

“Someone,” Pam gestured her head towards Ben, “knocked the juice off the table.”

“Oh,” Jim said with a chuckle. He panned his eyes around the kitchen, marveling its neatness. “You’ve cleaned.”

“Yeah, I thought I should.”

Jim smiled thankfully at her. “How about this, I’ll wipe up this mess while you fix her hair.” Jim said, gesturing to Ellie’s jumbled curls.

“Okay.” Pam said, gathering Ben and Ellie and leading them to the family room.

Pam sat on the couch with Ellie between her legs, looking at the tangled mess on her head. She fiddled with her hair, twisting her curls between her fingers, before settling on two pigtails. The little girl smiled happily and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek. Pam’s heart melted at Ellie’s simple gesture. Soon after, Jim entered the room with a backpack over his shoulder and a red cooler in hand.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

It was such a beautiful day; the sun was high above, and its rays were warm and inviting. The gentle summer breeze played with the tree leaves choreographing a beautiful dance. It was the perfect day to spend at the park, and an ideal, inexpensive family fun. However, the traffic was predictably slow for a Sunday, and the kids were becoming restless in their seats. Pam could hear the impatient thumping of Ellie’s feet against Jim’s seat.

“Are we there yet?” Ellie asked.

“Almost, kiddo.” Jim replied.

It wasn’t long before Ellie recognized the park, and bounced in her seat, pointing out to the wooden playground and the water fountain as they drove past it to the parking lot. Ben stretched his head to see what Ellie was showing, but had no luck, and as the car came to a stop, he itched to be let out of his car seat.

“Out mommy!” Ben demanded, tugging at the seat’s straps.

Pam opened the rear door, unbuckled Ben from his seat, and lowered him to the ground. He stood by her, looking timidly at the other people on the parking lot. He looked up at Pam, a familiar lazy grin tugging the corner of his lips. Pam held his hand while watching Jim remove the cooler and the backpack from the trunk. Even in a simple t-shirt shorts, and baseball cap, Jim looked really good.

“Let’s go.” Jim said, shutting the trunk.

Ellie and Ben walked a few steps ahead, too excited to wait. Pam and Jim sauntered behind, his hand finding and interlacing with hers. His firm, but gentle grasp made her whole body tingle. She wondered if she was blushing. They walked to a nice shady area near the playground and the fountain.

“We can stay here.” Jim said, lowering the backpack to the ground.

Pam looked around, realizing it was a great spot to settle. “Yeah, it’s nice here.”

“C’mon,” Jim said, reaching inside the backpack, “Let’s put some sunscreen.”

“Ok.”

“You can do Ellie, while I do Ben.”

“So, I get the big one?”

“Okay, you can have Ben,” Jim grinned cunningly. “He is all yours.”

Pam sat with Ben on her lap, watching Jim smile while he rubbed sunscreen on Ellie, who stood perfectly still. She emulated him, oozing the white cream on her hand, but as soon as she began rubbing it on Ben’s arms, he began fussing and sliding away from her grip. She held him with one hand, but Ben wasn’t having it. He threw his hands in the air, not obliging to Pam’s pleas.

“C’mon Ben, just a little bit…”

“No mommy! Noooo!”

Pam’s eyes darted towards Jim, who wore a smug smile on his face, pretending not to notice the ordeal taking place. He knew Ben was going to fuss. But she was not giving up. Pam blew her bangs out of her face, locked Ben between her legs, and continued to rub sunscreen on his arms and legs. But when she turned Ben around, his tiny hands went immediately to hide his face. Pam intuitively took a drop of sunscreen and smeared her nose.

“Mommy’s silly Ben,” Ellie said, pointing to the smudge on her nose.

Ben peeked hesitantly through his fingers and extended his hand to Pam. She dabbed his fingers with sunscreen, which he immediately brought it to his face, doing the work of spreading for her. She rubbed the excess off, and looked at Jim victoriously. He couldn’t help but applaud. Pam picked Ben up, hoisted him on her hip, and took a bow, mouthing, ‘Thank you’ to an imaginary crowd.

“Can we go play daddy?” Ellie said, pulling impatiently on Jim’s shirt.

“Yeah, go on.”

“Yay!” Ellie exclaimed, bouncing on her feet.

“Hold your brother’s hand, El!” Pam shouted as Ellie and Ben scurried towards the playground. They quickly began jumping up and down, climbing, and sliding on things. Jim and Pam sat back on a bench, watching their little ones play.

“Do we come here often?” Pam asked, her eyes focused on Ellie and Ben.

“Yeah, but we haven’t been here in a little while.”

“Since the accident?”

“Yeah.” Jim said pensively. “Since the accident.”

“That’s almost two months ago.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jim said, shifting on the seat. “It just wasn’t the same, you know?”

“Yeah.” Guilt was yet again riding her conscience. “I'm sorry…” Pam muttered.

“About what?”

“Just… I don’t know…”

“Don’t be. I’m really glad you’re here now.” Jim said reaching for her hand. “They,” Jim gestured with his head to the playground, “are really happy you’re here too.” Pam nodded, smiling sheepishly—it always amazed her how Jim always knew the right thing to say.

It didn’t take long for the kids to come running from the playground, their clothes stamped with their tiny, smudged handprints. Sometimes Pam couldn’t believe she had taken part in creating those perfect little beings. The fact that they called her mommy and wrapped their tiny arms around her neck assured her she was where she was supposed to be.

“Can we go to the fountain, mommy?” Ellie pleaded, sweat beaded on her forehead.

“Yeah, it’s getting hot, uh?” Pam said, cleaning a smudge off her cheek. “Let’s go to the fountain.”

They walked, hand-in-hand, swinging the children over the sidewalk, eliciting their giggles as they pulled them up in the air. They stopped every so often to marvel at something either Ellie or Ben found crawling on the ground. It usually turned out to be ant or a small piece of tinfoil, but whatever it was, it never ceased to amaze them. Pam marveled at the world seen through her children’s eyes, a world where she belonged.

Ellie was the first to venture out, running towards the spurts of water. She raised her hands every time the water sprayed, as if to catch the trickling drops mid air. Ben was hesitant, hiding behind Pam. She tried to persuade him to follow Ellie, but he wouldn’t budge. So she rolled the end of her capris and marched with him among the spurting water jets. Ben giggled, wiping his face as the water sprayed him. Jim followed suit, chasing after them.

Pam saw other families with their children, and she suddenly felt whole as she gazed at her own—beautiful, she might add—family. She then lowered Ben to the ground, letting him run along with the other kids. She stepped away from the water fest and lingered by a bench close by. Her leg ached from all the walking she was doing today. Jim soon came to join her.

“Leg hurting?” Jim said, watching her stroke her thigh.

“Little bit.”

“We’ll be heading home soon.”

Pam’s thoughts were distant from the throbbing pain shooting up and down her leg. “Look at them! They don’t care how wet they get.”

“I know…”

“How are we going to get them dry?”

“Oh, I brought towels and a change of clothes for both.”

“Thinking one step ahead.”

“Not really, I’m just copying what you did.” Jim said, shifting closer to her, “you were always the one thinking ahead, always on top of things.”

Pam was suddenly quiet, her gaze fixed on the two bubbly children playing by the fountain. “You’re pretty amazing with them.”

“Mmmh… “

“Really, you are an amazing dad.” Pam said genuinely.

Pam and Jim continued watching Ellie and Ben running around until they got too wet to move. Then they scooped up their soaked, shivering children and brought them back to where they left their stuff. Ellie clutched tightly to Pam’s neck, her little body overcome with goose bumps. Pam held her close, not minding the water tickling her neck from Ellie’s pigtails.

After changing the kids into dry clothes, it was lunchtime. Jim had packed sandwiches, juice boxes, and other goodies, which they proceeded to eat. Pam chuckled; watching Ben ooze mayo onto his lap and Ellie squirt the juice box on her clothes, the purple stain contrasting the vivid yellow of her shirt.

“Ok,” Jim said, standing up to brush off the crumbs. “I think it’s time to go.”

“Yep, I think so too.” Pam said, eyeing their children slumped over the picnic table.

“Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay.” Pam said, panning her eyes around the park.

“I’ll take her,” Jim said scooping Ellie in his arms. “The bathrooms are over there. You don’t want to further strain your leg.”

“Okay, I’ll stay here and pack up things.”

Pam began collecting the trash around the site, tossing them in the nearby trashcan. She twisted the kids’ wet clothes to remove the access water, folded them, and placed them in a plastic bag inside the backpack. She drained the melted ice from the cooler and began situating the leftovers inside. She was almost done when Jim returned with Ellie.

“We’re back,” Jim said.

“I’m almost done here…” She said, closing the last of the fruit containers.

“Where is Ben?” Jim asked, looking around.

“What?” Pam said confused. “I thought he…”

“Where is he?” Jim’s voice thick with alarm.

“I don’t…” Pam felt dizzy, her knees threatening to give out from under her.

“He was here.” Jim said, running his hand frantically through his hair. “You were supposed to…” Jim trailed off, his breath caught in his throat, his heart pounding in his chest. “Ben!” Jim shouted. “Stay here. Watch her!” He pointed to Ellie.

Dread crept through Pam like the afternoon shadows on a cold winter’s day. The gentle, afternoon breeze was no longer soothing, and the rustling of tree leaves were foreboding cacophony to her ears. The agonizing feeling in her chest translated as tears cascading down her cheeks. She had been alone with Ben for less than five minutes and managed to lose him. What kind of mother was she?

Time seemed to slow, the seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours, until she saw Jim return, carrying Ben in his arms. Pam immediately launched herself towards them, lifting Ben from Jim’s arms, kissing him, and wiping away the traces of her tears that spilled onto him. “I’m sorry Ben.” She repeated. I’m sorry.

They walked back to the car in silence, eyeing the dark clouds in the horizon. It looked like another storm was headed their way. Jim hadn’t said a word since the incident and his quiet demeanor only inflamed the festering guilt inside her. The drive home was equally silent. The kids, exhausted, slept in their car seats, while Jim didn’t avert his eyes from the road. Pam watched disconsolate as the first raindrops trickled along the windshield.

Arriving home, Jim carried their drowsy children upstairs for their nap. Pam lingered behind, settling on the living room couch, curled in a puddle of remorse. Her conscience suffocated her, grasping tightly to any hope she had of being the woman depicted in the pictures. The tears came effortlessly as she listened to the raindrops pound the window as the rain intensified.

Resisting naptime, Ellie came downstairs, and found Pam lying on the couch. She climbed onto Pam’s lap and nestled cozily in her arms. Pam embraced the little girl, stroking her hair until she surrendered to sleep. The thought of anything happening to their children brought her to tears once more. Pam began wiping her cheeks when she heard Jim’s footsteps descending the stairs. She listened to him quietly enter the living room—not meeting his gaze.

“Want me to bring her upstairs?” Jim asked softly.

“Sure,” Pam replied defeated.

She watched Jim lift Ellie’s limp body from her arms, her eyes fluttering open as he positioned her head on his shoulders, and carried her upstairs. Pam reluctantly got up and followed, entering their bedroom and closing the door behind her. She took a cold shower, in a vain attempt to cool her conscience, and immediately climbed under the comforter. She felt like a gerbil in a wheel—run, run, run, no traction, no ground, and all an illusion.

Jim returned to the empty living room and collapsed on the couch with a heavy load on his shoulders. He had overreacted today. He pretended not to notice, but he saw all the tears Pam had shed. He mentally defended himself, reasoning that he had been at a loss; and scared didn’t begin to describe his state of mind—panic came close. But now that the adrenaline fog had subsided, he could finally think clearly. Pam had felt the same way.

The thunder’s roar strengthened as the storm intensified. Jim reluctantly stood up and headed upstairs to check on the kids. He found them asleep, slumbering through the eye of the storm. He walked by their bedroom and stopped in front of the door. He knew Pam hated thunderstorms. He hesitated but slowly opened the door, finding her propped against the headboard, clutching her knees.

“Hey,” Jim whispered.

“Hi,” Pam’s was voice small and frail.

“It seems the storm isn’t letting up.”

“Yeah....”

He watched her wince as another series of thunder and lightning roared above them. Her damp curls created a wet trail on her shirt—or was it her tears? “Look,” Jim murmured, walking towards the bed and sitting at the edge. “I’m sorry.” His was voice dense with remorse.

“It was all my fault.” Pam said, her voice thick with tears. “I should’ve been watching him. I was distracted and…”

“Hey,” Jim said, moving closer to her. “It wasn’t…”

“No,” she interrupted, gesturing into the air. “I had to watch him, and I didn’t...” Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “He could’ve gotten hurt…”

“He is fine though.” Jim said, gathering her to him.

“B-But what if…” Pam bit her lips in a fruitless attempt to keep it from quivering. “What if Ben…”

“No what ifs,” Jim said, embracing her trembling body.

“I don’t think I can do this,” she said, slowly inching away.

Jim’s heart fell to the pit of his stomach. “Don’t say that…”

“It’s too much…I don’t know how to be a mom.” She paused—reality toying with her. “I don’t even know who I am.”

“No,” Jim whispered, shaking his head vehemently. “Don’t say that!”

“You guys are better off….”

“Don’t give up on me,” Jim pleaded; his eyes burning with unshed tears.

“Jim…”

“Pam,” he interrupted. “I-I just…I can’t without you.” Tears were slowly unleashing from the back of his eyes. “The day of the accident the doctors had no hope, and part of me died. I didn’t want to go on…” Jim choked on his words. “But here you are… Against all odds.” He pulled away slightly, cupping her face in his hands.
“And they...” He said, pointing towards the hall. “They are a constant reminder of you.”

Pam burrowed her head into his chest, unleashing all her sorrows and frustrations. She clutched to his shirt, hiccupping as her sobs intensified. Jim held her—stroking her soft curls, whispering, “We need you,” repeatedly in her ear. For the first time she could see that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t a train. When her sobs subsided, he turned her to face him—her eyes swollen and red, her body still quivering slightly.

“I need you,” Jim said, brushing his thumbs across her cheeks.

“I need you too,” she confessed.

Jim slid down the headboard, holding Pam in a tight embrace. He kissed her forehead and laid his head down on the pillow. He felt her breathing calm and her body fuse slowly with his. Pam still winced every time a distant thunder roared, but she felt secure, for the eye of the storm had passed.

*

*

The following week Jim returned to work and Pam’s mom, Janet, drove down to help with the kids. Pam was more than happy with the arrangement. She was petrified of staying home alone with the kids; last weekend’s incident was still fresh in her mind. Ellie and Ben were overjoyed to stay home with mom and grandma. Pam was also happy to spend time with her mom. She took pleasure in learning which of her childhood behaviors were mirrored in her children.

Pam’s relationship with Jim was slowly moving away from awkward smiles and glances. She no longer tensed under his touch. As a matter of fact, she was beginning to yearn for it. For instance, every time Jim returned home from work, he would find her, wherever she was, and plant a soft kiss on her cheek. The first time he did it, she’d flushed from head to toe. But now it was a more than a welcomed gesture she anticipated every day. Even with two kids climbing on him, demanding his attention, he wouldn’t think to hesitate giving her a kiss.

The week had been going well, until Janet needed to return home Thursday night, leaving Pam with the kids the whole day on Friday. Dreadful thoughts suffocated her, as unconceivable scenarios played in her mind. What if they got hurt? What if I lost them? But what she feared most was Jim seeing she wasn’t capable of caring for them. Her flaws had been masked by her mother’s presence, but now it would all be stripped off.

After they’d gone through the bedtime routine Thursday night, Pam sat on the couch, circling her arms protectively around her knees. Her gaze was distant, focusing on the pictures frames on top the coffee table.

“You’ll be fine,” Jim said, entering the living room and taking a seat next to her on the couch.

“I don’t know… It’s just so sudden,” she said, unclenching her arms circling her knees. Jim took the chance to put his arm around her. “I’m not ready.”

“You are….But we can call the daycare.”

“No… it’s just…” Pam trailed off.

“There is nothing for you to be scared of,” Jim said, placing a stray curl behind her ear. “And you know I’m just a phone call away.”

“Yeah… still…You understand right? I just can’t take it if …” Pam shook the thought out of her head.

Jim gathered her to him, gently lifting her chin with his index finger. “I know. The first time we brought Ellie home, I was terrified. You had done all the freaking out before and it was my turn. I was completely scared. She was this tiny,” Jim mimed with his hands. “What I’m saying is that it’s okay to be scared.”

“I guess…. ”

“You can do it.”

“I can do it.” She said it more to herself than to Jim. I can do it.

Jim pulled himself up from the couch and extended his hands to Pam. “C’mon, You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

Pam let out a half-hearted chuckle. “Yeah, I do.”

Upstairs, they went their separate ways—unwillingly. Jim’s feeling towards Pam was no secret, and she knew it. How couldn’t she? It was palpable. The guy married her, had two kids with her, and stuck around after all that had happened. And Pam couldn’t deny their obvious connection. Everything felt new and fresh, yet comfortable and natural. But she still needed time and space and…him.
……………..

The next morning Pam was up early, too anxious to sleep. She went downstairs and filled the teapot with water and placed it on the stove. She really liked this tea Jim kept in stock in the house; it was fruity yet minty at the same time. Pam also turned on the coffee machine, dumping some into the filter and filling it with water —Jim liked coffee in the morning. She waited to hear the whistling of the teapot, but in the meantime heard Jim’s footsteps descending the stairs.

“Good morning,” Jim said, stretching his long arms above his head.

“Good morning.”

“You’re up early.” Jim said, stifling a yawn.

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep.” Pam pulled her sweater tighter around her.

“Still thinking about today?” Jim asked, pulling a chair next to her.

“A little…” The teapot began whistling and Pam got up, filling her World’s Best Mom mug with the hot water. She then walked over to the cabinet, retrieving two small tea bags. “You know, I really like this tea.”

“You do?” Jim feigned surprise.

“Yeah, Jim. I do,” She teased.

“You know, I got you that tea pot,” Jim said, filling his own mug with coffee.

“You did?” A smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

“Yeah, it was a Christmas present. I got you on Secret Santa at work,” Jim chuckled to himself, remembering that awful, awful day.

“What’s so funny?” Pam asked curiously.

“What?” He asked confused.

“You were laughing.”

“No, I wasn’t.” He denied, sipping his coffee.

“Yes you were. Spill it,” Pam demanded, settling her mug on the table.

“It was just an awful Christmas party. Our boss didn’t like his gift and made everyone exchange theirs—Yankee Swap, he called it. So the tea pot was taken and….” Jim trailed off, gazing at Pam, who seemed to have become lost in thought. “Pam?”

“Oh…Um… this is probably going to sound weird but, what was in the tea pot?”

“W-What?” Jim almost chocked on his coffee. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know….” she trailed off, tracing her finger around the rim of her mug. “I think, I don’t know… you must think I’m going crazy…”

Jim had a huge smile across his face. “No, not crazy, at all.”

“There was something inside, right?” Pam said, carefully studying his face.

“Maybe.” He said, hiding his smile behind his coffee mug. Before Pam could inquire more, they heard the floor creak just above them—the kids were up. “I’ll get them.” He said making his way up the stairs. Pam sat, looking intently at the teapot. She knew she was on to something. It was as if the light bulb above her head flickered, leaving only a dim reminiscence. What was in there?

Pam was lifted from her daze when Jim returned with Ben and Ellie. “Good morning there.” Pam said kissing their sleep creased faces.

“G’mornin’ mommy,” Ellie said, stifling a yawn.

“ 'Mornin’,” Ben mumbled.

“Are you guys hungry?”

“I have cereal?” Ellie asked, pointing to the red box on top of the fridge.

“Yep,” Pam said lowering them to their seats.

“Where’s Gramma?” Ellie asked, noticing Janet not at her usual spot.

“Grandma had to go home El, “Jim said, helping Pam with the cereal bowls.

“It’s only us today,” Pam said, pouring the milk.

They ate their breakfast entertained by Jim and his renditions of the cookie monster. The kids were amused to no extent, but Pam feigned a smile, picking at her breakfast—she was too anxious to eat. A queasy feeling sat at the pit of her stomach hindering her appetite. Today was just too important for her to take it lightly.

“Okay,” Jim said, getting up from the table and lifting his messenger bag over his head. “I'm off to work.”

“Go say bye to daddy,” Pam said, lifting Ben and Ellie from their chairs.

“Buh-Bye daddy,” Ellie and Ben said, running to hug his pants’ leg.

Jim bent down to their level, kissing each child. “Be good for mommy, okay?”

“ ’Kay daddy,” they said in unison.

Jim glanced back at Pam, who stood anxiously twisting her fingers. He walked over to her, and ran his hand the length of arm until his fingers tangled with hers. “You’ll be fine,” he assured her. Jim pulled her hand to his lips, plating a small kiss there. “Bye Pam.”

“Bye.” She smiled feebly.

As soon as the door closed, Pam felt butterflies flutter in her stomach. She looked at the kids scampering around the house and wanted to immediately run after Jim and stop him from leaving. However, as she looked out the window, she saw him pulling out of the driveway—too late. She walked back to the kitchen, and dialed—unconsciously, Jim’s cell phone number. Shocked, she hung up the phone realizing what she had just done. I just dialed his phone number—by memory.

She paced around the kitchen, picked up a pen and a paper, and began writing several different phone numbers that came to her. She brought her list to the fridge and compared with the numbers listed there. Jim’s cell phone, her cell phone—I have a cell phone?—Dunder-Miflfin’s office number, the kids’ doctor—they were all there. Perhaps she had been remembering things. Perhaps her response to Jim was a memory. She wondered what else she knew—without knowing.

The quietness of her surrounding lifted her from her reverie. She’d learn that it’s when it’s silent that she really needed to pay close attention to the kids. She walked to the living room and found Ellie and Ben fiddling with the buttons on the television.

“Do you guys wanna watch TV?” She asked, and both nodded.

She took the remote and pressed the red button. The television came to life right when the Six Flags commercial was on. Pam watched in disgust as the old man danced to the cheesy theme song, and immediately changed the channel. She browsed through the channels, until Ben bounced to his feet yelling, “Cif-fod! Cif-fod!”

“Clifford? You guys want to watch Clifford?”

“Yeah,” they said in unison.

“Ok… no jumping on the couch,” she said, and Ben immediately complied.

She waited until the kids settled, and returned to the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. Everything was going good so far—even though it’s only been twenty minutes. She picked up the kids’ cereal bowls, dumping the leftovers in the trash, before placing in the dishwasher. She also took her mug and Jim’s and placed it with the rest of the dirty dishes. Once everything seemed to be in its place, she returned to the living to peek at the kids, still entertained by the big red dog on the television.

Afterward Pam decided to head upstairs and tidy things up a bit. She went into Ben’s bedroom and made his bed, as well as picked up a few toys left haphazardly around. She then headed to Ellie’s bedroom, and chuckled at the clumsily made bed. The comforter was pulled unevenly over the bed and the pillows were messily arranged on top. Pam smoothed the bedding and assembled the pillows in an orderly fashion.

She walked back halfway down the stairs, peeking once again at the kids in the living—still absorbed by the television. She walked back up and headed to the guest bedroom down the hallway. She opened the door and immediately inhaled the wonderful, fresh scent—Jim’s scent, impregnating the entire room. She picked up some of Jim’s shirts and pants left by the foot of the bed and threw them in the hamper. The hamper was becoming full, so she decided to do the laundry.

After a few minutes of sorting the dirty clothes into piles—whites and colors, she returned downstairs to the living room. She didn’t like the idea of the kids sitting in front of the TV all day, it seemed a bit hypnotic.

“Who wants to go outside?”

Ellie and Ben bounced on their feet yelling, “Me, me!”

“Ok, let’s go take the jammies off.”

The kids scurried upstairs and Pam followed behind. Ellie quickly striped down to her underwear and began opening the drawers of her dresser. She pulled out a sparkly pink shirt and a pair of shorts.

“Not that shirt sweetie. How about you put this one to play outside?” Pam asked, lifting another shirt from the drawer.

“No! This one!” Ellie exclaimed, clutching the shirt.

“You can’t wear that one outside,” Pam picked up a few more ‘old’ shirts and placed them on top of the bed. “You can wear any of these, but not that one.”

Ellie scrunched her nose, her eyebrows knitted together, looking at her options on the bed. She slowly released the sparkly shirt, choosing a yellow one from the bed. “This one.”

“Okay, good.” Pam said, eyeing her choice. “I’ll be right back.”

Pam walked to Ben’s room and proceeded to quickly dress him in a blue T-shirt and cargo shorts. She also grabbed his baseball cap and a pair of slip-on sneakers from the closet. She returned to Ellie’s room and found her kneeling on top of a chair, attempting to run a brush through her curls.

“Watchu doing there?”

“Bwushing my hair jus’ like you mommy.”

Pam chuckled. “How about we put it up just like mommy’s, uh?”

“ ’Kay, but can we use these?” Ellie said, holding a few colorful glitter snap-clips in hand.

“Of course.”

Pam tied Ellie’s hair in a ponytail and pinned the clips on her hair. “All set,” Pam said, kissing her rosy cheeks. “C’mon now, let’s go outside.”

Pam opened the backyard door, letting them out into the bright sunny morning. They found their toys, and quickly became entertained with them. Pam sat back watching them play. Ben was more interested in digging holes, while Ellie played on the swing set. It didn’t take long for Ellie to get bored and begin to chase after a ball left by the deck. Ben’s attention quickly averted to the bright object bouncing on the lawn.

“Mine!” Ben got up, wiping his dirt-covered hands on his shirt.

“No Ben, I found it fiwst!”

“Muh ball!” He insisted.

“Is mine too!” Ellie said, hiding the ball behind her back.

“Noo Ellieee. Mine!” Ben said, walking hastily towards Ellie.

“Hey, what is going on here?” Pam said, getting up from the chair. They both began talking simultaneously and Pam couldn’t quite make-out what either of them was saying. “Okay, okay. Who took what?”

“Ben want my ball.” Ellie said clutching the ball tightly to her.

“Mine!” Ben yelled, bouncing stubbornly on his feet. Pam knew if Ben started the entire neighborhood would come see the child screaming murder.

“Stop that Ben,” Pam reprimanded him.

“I had it fiwst mommy!” Ellie whined.

“Why don’t we all play with the ball?” Pam said, taking the ball and tossing it over to Ellie. “Now Ellie, throw it to Ben.” She complied and hurled it to Ben. Ben failed to catch and scurried to get it. “Now give the ball to mommy Ben.” Ben held the ball over his head and tossed it to Pam. “Good.”

They played outside just before the sun got too hot. Pam then prepared lunch and the kids ate, taking their time chewing while spending more time playing with it. After lunch, they helped her with the laundry. But before Pam knew it they were slumped over the laundry baskets—exhausted. It was nap time. Ben quickly surrendered to sleep, but Ellie fought it until her eyes became too heavy for her to keep them open.

Pam brought them upstairs and settled them on their bed, before resuming with the laundry. Once all socks were accounted for, she began folding and returning the clothes to their designated places. She hung all Jim’s button-down shirts, admiring the quantity already hanging in the closet. Aside from his work attire, Jim didn’t really own a variety clothes. But Pam was surprised to find t-shirts, she assumed were his, in her pajama drawer.

Pam returned downstairs and began to tidy the kitchen from lunchtime. As soon as everything was up to par, Pam decided to settle on the couch with a book she found on her nightstand. She’d been eyeing the book the entire week. The cover had a very fascinating graphic drawn. Pam sat with the book, until interrupted by the phone ringing.

“Hello?”

“Hey there. How’s everything? The house still intact?”

“Everything is fine. The kids are napping right now.”

“So you got some peace and quiet to yourself.”

“Yeah, I guess. Sold any paper yet?”

“200 rims before lunch.”

“Wow… I underestimated you!”

Jim chuckled. “So, what have you guys been up too?”

“Well, the kids watched TV a little bit after you left. Then we went outside to play. I actually don’t like them staring at that box the whole day.” Pam heard Jim chuckle on the other end of the line. “What is so funny?”

“Oh nothing… just… You were never a big fan of the television as a sitter. So, what else did you do?”

“We had lunch and they helped me with the laundry. After that they were pretty exhausted and have been napping for the past hour.”

“I’m glad everything is going well. So, what have you been up to?”

“You know, not much…. Just hanging I guess. I was going….” Pam trailed off, “Hey there.” Jim heard her coo over the phone. “C’mere sweetie.” He listened to the rustling on the phone, imagining Pam picking up Ellie, still groggy from sleep. “Sorry,” Pam continued, “Ellie just got up.”

“Oh, it’s ok!”

Pam overheard a voice on the other line ask, ‘Why are you smiling?’ Pam frowned at the familiarity of it. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, that’s our friend Dwight.”

She heard the same voice respond, ‘I’m not your friend Jim.’ She smiled, somehow that didn’t come across as an insult, at all. “Ok, I think I better let you go.”

“Yep, someone needs to make the big bucks!”

“Go sell more paper.”

“Alright Bees.”

“Bye Jim.”

“Bye Pam.”

It wasn’t long before Ben also woke up from his nap, his hair adorably tousled in a hundred different directions. Pam led them to the kitchen where she spread out some paint and paper to entertain them. She joined them in the finger-painting fest, surprised at how relaxing it was. After many handprints later and two children covered in paint, Pam decided it was time to hang their work on the fridge. They took out their old art and replaced with the freshly painted ones.

Shortly thereafter Pam heard the sound of keys fiddling with the door’s lock. Jim was home. Once the door opened the kids ran purposely towards him, jumping excitedly in his arms. She watched him pick them up and walk over to her. And there it was, the most anticipated moment of the day—his kiss. Jim bent over just enough so that his lips brushed slightly against her cheek. Pam felt the tingling sensation rise from the tip of her toes to the roots of her hair.

“How was your day?” Jim asked, the kids clutching tightly to his neck.

“It was… um…” Pam tried desperately to escape the Jim-induced fog. “It was good.”

“See… told you.” Jim walked further, entering the living room and crashing down with the kids. They began climbing on him, pulling on his tie while he simply let them. Pam knew that Jim reserved this time to spend with the kids. And the kids loved him for that.

Dinner and bath time followed, bath time going more smoothly since Pam discovered the versatility of their kitchen sink. Ben didn’t quite fit inside, but it beats having him jumping and screaming murder in the tub. Jim had found the idea comical, but seeing Ben’s passive behavior as he bathed him, sold him on the idea. Jim couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t soaking wet after Ben’s bath. So the last couple of nights had gone down in history.

Bedtime followed, and before they knew it, Jim and Pam were alone, sitting on the couch, listening to the drone of the television while their kids slept peacefully in their rooms. Pam fixated her gaze on the television. Her hair was trying to escape the bun on her head and one strap of her shirt hanged off her shoulder, exposing a bit of her pink porcelain skin. The image was so poignant, so powerful, that Jim urgently needed to be near her, possibly touch her.

“Ahem,” he cleared his throat, picking up the book from the coffee table. “Are you reading this?”

“Yeah, I found it in my nightstand…”

“You were reading that for The Finer Things Club.”

“Sounds fancy.”

Jim chuckled. “Yeah, it’s a very exclusive club in our office. I was part of it, but…” Jim trailed off to avert the subject.

“But what?” she prodded curiously.

“I…um… I jeopardized the meetings.” Pam let out a laugh, clearly amused by his answer. “Shhh…” he scolded her. “You are going to wake up the kids!”

“Sorry,” she said, stifling her laugh. “It’s just… you got kicked out of a book club!”

“I did not get kicked out.”

“uh-hum..” Pam hummed.

“Well, you’ve tried seducing our boss just so you could get a new chair.”

“No way! That’s just crazy.”

“It’s true… And you went as far and as taking him on a date.”

“Okay, now I know you’re lying.”

“Nope.”

“You are!”

“Okay, maybe the last part I made up, but you really wanted a new chair.”

“Man, with all the stories I hear about work, I wonder if we ever worked at all.”

“We found times here and there.” Jim let his head fall back, exhaling slowly. He stretched his arm out, snaking around Pam. “So….” He began hesitantly. “Mark’s wedding is this weekend.”

“I know…” Pam’s demeanor diminished.

“Mark will be the only person you would know there.”

“Yeah, but still…”

“It’s going to be fun,” he said inching closer to her. “Open bar.”

Pam chuckled. “That doesn’t faze me.”

“Yeah, okay. Wait until you meet Mr. Cosmo.”

Pam laughed, letting her head fall back. Jim watched her, longing for her, aching to surrender to her. He missed her—her touch, her kiss, her fingers tangled in his hair. He inched even closer, wrapping his arms tighter around her, straightening the fallen strap on her shoulder. He placed his hands over her ears and tipped her head back, bringing his lips to meet hers. Their mouths moved slowly, deliberately—lingering, savoring each other. It wasn’t desperate or urgent, it was a kiss born of long association. A kiss attained by years of experience. Jim poured his heart into her, letting it speak words he couldn’t utter.

When their lips parted, Pam slowly opened her eyes, her heart pounding against her chest. She was sure Jim could hear its frantic thumping. His fingers slowly slid down her hair, teasing her neck, arms, and then tangling with hers.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Jim said, weighing her silence carefully.

“Me too,” she concurred.

Jim smiled, hiding the overwhelming desire to continue to kiss her. He wanted to take it slow and wait for her, but he wasn’t perfect. So he did what anyone would do in his shoes—he kissed her again.

*

*
Pam stood in front of the mirror, smoothing the skirt of her dress—its black, silky texture hugging her body in all the right places. Her hair was pinned back, except for a few curls that brushed loosely against the side of her face. The more she gazed at her reflection, the more her mind wondered, reverting back to the kiss. If she closed her eyes she could feel his hands gliding down her back and his lips—his soft lips, brushing ever so tenderly against hers.

Pam had immediately recalled the taste, the touch, the feeling—the closeness that seemed to awaken all her senses. Everything had felt so natural, so real; even the flutter inside her felt familiar. Ever since meeting Jim, she knew there was something more—something different about him. There was always a bigger force that drew her to him, and the kiss sealed her intuition. Jim was it.

Pam was lifted from her momentary daze as Ellie entered the bedroom, the tulle underneath her dress swooshing as she walked through the door. “Mommy!”

“Don’t you look pretty?” Pam smiled, watching Ellie sway meekly from side-to-side. “C’mere,” Pam said, stretching her arms in Ellie’s direction. “Let me fix your hair.” Ellie skipped towards Pam, and she began pinning a few stray curls back in a bun.

Jim stepped in, but stopped in the doorway, a smile stretched across his face as he leaned against the doorframe. “Wow, look at you girls.” Pam caught his gaze, and she couldn’t help but blush. Jim looked exceptionally handsome in his tux—his hair parted sideways and the scent of his cologne flooded the room.

“I look pretty daddy?” Ellie inquired, bouncing excitedly on her feet.

“Hold on Ellie,” Pam said, removing the last hairpin from her mouth and securing it in her hair. “Okay, all done.”

Ellie scurried towards Jim and he picked her up, planting a loud kiss on her cheek. “You’re the prettiest flower-girl ever!” He lowered her to the floor and she skipped happily out of the room.

“Don’t run Ellie,” Pam admonished, “You’re going to mess up…” She trailed off, knowing her reprimand went unheard. “I think I’ve pinned her hair three times already,” Pam said defeated, looking at Jim, who stood before her, a smug smile adorning his face. “What?” She asked uneasy.

He narrowed the distance between them, lingering close enough to be immersed in her scent. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

“Thanks,” Jim said, entangling his hand in hers. “We should get going.”

“Yeah, how bad would it be if the best man was late?”

“Mark would kill me!” Jim chuckled. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” she nodded.

They walked hand-in-hand to the car, securing the kids in their car seats before driving to the church. Jim’s hand would sporadically leave the steering wheel and graze over hers, drawing lazy circles on her knuckles. His touch had the power to completely send her mind wondering places she hadn’t thought of going.

Once they arrived at the church, Pam had to once again pin Ellie’s curls back in a bun and tuck Ben’s dress shirt inside his pants. When they walked in, Pam immediately recognized Mark from the save-the-date picture on the fridge. He looked like a typical groom—pacing restlessly, anxious smile across his face, hands nervously tucked in his side pockets.

“Hey man,” Mark said, pulling Jim to a hug. “Hey Pam, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“Hey…” Pam said timidly. “Glad to be here.”

“Uncle Mark!” Ellie exclaimed, darting towards him.

“Hey there, pretty flower girl!” Mark said, tickling Ellie’s sides—her giggles escaping between her fingers covering her mouth. “Hey Ben,” he said, turning to Ben, nestled in Pam’s arms. “How are ya, buddy?” Ben smiled through his fingers bunched up in his mouth. “He’s gotten so big!”

“Yeah...” Jim said, prying Ben’s fingers away from his mouth. “Nervous?” Jim asked.

“Yeah.” Mark said, rubbing his hands together. “A good nervous though.”

“I know the feeling,” Jim said, smiling at Pam.

Pam smiled sheepishly back. “I think I’ll head inside with Ben.” She whispered to Jim, watching a crowd sweep past them, filling the church.

“Okay.” Jim said, planting a soft kiss on her cheek. “It’ll start soon.”

Pam walked into the church, admiring its beautiful ornamentation. The aisles were decorated with tulle drapery, holding flowers at the sides of each pew. Two large rose arrangements sat by the altar creating an archway for the bride and groom to stand underneath. Pam looked overwhelmed at all the people agglomerated in the church. She walked timidly through a side aisle, excusing her way to the front pews where she could have a clear view of the altar.

“Is this seat taken?” Pam asked, gesturing to a vacant spot.

“No,” the elderly woman answered, lifting her purse and setting it on her lap. “You can sit here.”

“Thanks,” Pam sat down, situating Ben on her lap.

“He’s so adorable,” the woman cooed over Ben. Ben, in turn, burrowed his head on Pam’s chest, tugging at his clip-on tie. “How old is he?”

“Two.” Pam smiled, prying his small fingers from his tie.

“He’s big for two. My nephew Andy is just—” Before she could finish, music began playing, its soft melody quieting the church. As soon as Ben saw Jim walk in he pointed, bouncing excitedly on Pam’s lap, calling, “Da-dy, da-dy.” Pam immediately spotted Jim standing tall with Mark at the altar. Their gazes met and Jim grinned, offering her a wink.

Ellie walked—skipped in disposing of the flower petals, the white speckles contrasting nicely with the carpet’s scarlet rue. She looked absolutely adorable, and Pam couldn’t help but smile proudly. When she arrived at the altar, she flipped the basket upside down, dumping the remaining petals on the steps. The church chuckled at her innocent deed. The bride’s maids followed and soon the wedding march began playing and the whole church stood, waiting anxiously.

Immediately, the large, wooden doors opened, revealing the bride. She looked beautiful, the light peering through the door’s colored glass danced wildly amid her ivory dress. Pam watched, astounded, as she marched gracefully down the aisle, welcomed by her husband-to-be.

The ceremony was short, and she was grateful—Ben was becoming fussy. Jim met her outside with Ellie and they drove off to the reception.

“That was beautiful!” Pam exclaimed. “Lisa looked amazing, and the decorations…”

“Yeah, they did good.”

“Daddy, did I do good too?” Ellie chimed in.

“You did awesome kiddo!” Jim said looking in the rearview mirror, watching Ellie’s lips curved into a smile.

It wasn’t long before they arrive at the reception and were seated at their designated table. The wedding party was introduced shortly after and the food began being served. Everything was going really well. The fact that no one, except Mark and Lisa, knew Pam created a comfortable ambience for her. She didn’t have any set expectations to live up to or a pre-destined code she had to follow. This was her tabula rasa—blank slate experience, in which she could begin to trace and find herself.

As the party rolled on, Pam sat at the table, watching Jim and Ellie on the dance floor. Ellie stood on Jim’s shoes mimicking his every step. Her curls, completely undone now, bounced whenever Jim glided across the floor. Pam could hear her giggles erupt every time he twirled her around. When the music ended, Jim picked Ellie up and planted a loud, sloppy kiss on her cheek. He mumbled something in her ear, eliciting her laughter, before lowering her to the ground. Pam watched Ellie scurry off towards Ben while Jim walked slowly towards her.

“Could I have this dance?” Jim said, extending his hand.

“Oh…um… I don’t think….” Pam said, wrapping her arms protectively around herself.

“C’mon,” Jim pleaded, gesturing with his head to the dance floor.

“I don’t know how.”

Jim just stood before her, his arm extended her way, a smile adorning his face. Pam looked past him, eyeing Ellie and Ben bouncing together on the dance floor. She looked back at Jim, his eyes imploring her to take his hand. She shifted uncomfortably on her seat before surrendering to his request. She reached out and he immediately pulled her to her feet, leading her to the dance floor.

Jim and Pam moved smoothly across the dance floor. The slow, orchestral ballad embraced them tightly—comfortably. The shimmering lights from the disco ball toyed with their skin, miming the tingling sensation dispersing throughout their bodies. His eyes were nothing but dark pools of lust with Pam’s reflection immersed in them. She could feel his fingers teasing the thin fabric of her dress and his breath taunting the skin behind her ear. When the song ended, his hands tightened around her, rendering her motionless. He lowered his lips to meet hers and she welcomed, once again, the soft, warm feel of his tongue moving—by design, with hers.

“Ooooh,” Lisa cooed. “I just hope Mark and I are as much in love as you after years of marriage and kids,” she said, approaching them.

Jim and Pam parted their lips, smiling coyly at one another. They looked simultaneously at their children, dancing a few feet away from them. He kissed the top of her head, breathing in the flowery scent of her hair—he missed that. She, in turn, looked up and smiled.

“How did you guys meet?” Lisa’s maid of honor inquired.

“Um…” Pam said, looking hesitant at Jim. “We met at work.”

“Yeah,” Jim chimed in. “We work for the same company.”

“He…um...asked me out to dinner,” Pam began, looking at Jim for reassurance. “And I said yes.”

“Oh, c’mon Pam,” Lisa nudged her teasingly, “Mark has told me about how Jim—”

“Okay…” Jim interrupted quickly, tightening his grip around Pam. “No need to go there. That would take all night.” Jim chuckled nervously. Pam looked curiously at him, knitting her eyebrows together, searching his face.

“What would take all night?” Mark chimed in, snaking his arms around Lisa.

“Jim and Pam’s story!” Lisa exclaimed.

“Oh yes! You’ll need a least a day and a notepad… It gets complicated after his Stanford gig.”

“Yeah… okay… um…” Jim stammered. “Let’s save it for another time.”

“Yeah…I don’t want you boring my guest anyways.”

Jim chuckled nervously, pulling Pam’s hand across the dance floor. Jim felt as if he was under water. Everything seemed slow and far away. The air, sound, and time were thick and dense. Jim could see the questions bubbling at the surface of Pam’s mind. He knew he would have to tell her eventually. But in his heart he thought he wouldn’t need to—she would just remember.

“Look,” he said pulling a chair for her and drawing another for himself. “I promise to tell you everything when we get home.”

“Everything?” She asked skeptically.

“Everything.” He took her hand and brought them to his lips. “I wanted to wait for you. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with—”

“I know…” Pam interrupted, reaching over to touch his cheek. “I know.”

The party soon ended, and Jim and Pam were finally headed home. She wondered what could have possibly happened that could cause Jim’s demeanor to completely shrivel. She could see the effects of this drug called past taking its toll on him. He gripped so tightly to the steering wheel that his knuckles were turning white and the blood had completely drained from his face. Jim was turning into her tabula rasa.

He parked the car in their driveway and turned off the car’s engine. The only sounds came from the soft grunts of their children sleeping in the back seat. “I’ll get Ben,” Pam offered.

They carried their tired children to their beds, kissed them goodnight, and tucked them asleep. Afterwards Pam settled in the kitchen with a cup of tea watching Jim pace nervously while loosening his tie and placing his tux jacket on the back of his chair. He then began removing the studs off his shirt deftly, with the concentration of a bomb squad. Was he staling?

“Jim…”

“Before I start,” he began. “Just know that I never lied to you. We did meet at work and I did ask you to dinner and you did say yes. I just left off the boring parts.”

“The boring parts?” Pam asked, folding her arms across her chest.

“The part where the guy doesn’t get the girl—twice.” He accentuated the last word, wincing as it tumbled out of his mouth.

“Twice?”

“In one night.”

“Was I playing ‘hard to get’?”

“Well… You were kind of engaged,” Jim whispered, knowing he was opening Pandora’s Box.

“Kind of engaged?” Pam said surprised, immediately bringing her hands to her mouth to silence her shrieks.

“He was your high school sweetheart…” As the sentence echoed in his ear, the sharp pain of resentment sunk deep into him. “So, three weeks prior to the wedding, I told you how I felt.”

“Three weeks…” Pam trailed off, her mouth hanging slightly open. “What….Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

“I wanted to…But you had been together with him for a long time and I wasn’t sure how you felt…” Jim leaned against the kitchen counter for support.

“What made you decide to tell me?"

“Well, there were always signs… Now I know I hadn’t misinterpreted any of them.” Jim smiled feebly. “So, during this office party, I told you and you said no. I was going to leave, but I had to try once more. I found you upstairs and I walked up to you and kissed you.”

“What…um… what did I do?”

“You kissed back.” He smiled, but his demeanor soon shriveled. “But it was still a no from you. So I left for Stanford.”

“Did I get married?”

“No, you called it off.”

“Okay, so time goes by and the branches merged, right?”

“Yep, but when I returned I began dating someone from Stanford, Karen.” Jim pulled a chair and sat across from her on the table. “We dated for a while, she was nice and all.” Jim lowered his head, tracing the embroidery of the tablecloth. “I was trying to move on.”

“What happened to me?” Pam asked, cocking her head to meet his gaze.

“You went back with your ex, and it killed me.”

“I think I need a notepad,” Pam chuckled. “We could write a book.”

“Yeah…” Jim’s lips curved into a smile; he was beginning to feel at ease. “This is where the action starts,” he began, rubbing his hands together. “You ended things with him after he flipped out when you told him we kissed. He attacked me the next day.”

Pam gasped, her mouth shaped like an ‘o’. “Did he hurt you?”

“No, Dwight pepper sprayed him before he could.” Jim said raising an eyebrow.

“Wow, I don’t know what to say.” Pam shook her head astonished, resting it in her hands so it wouldn’t tumble with the load of information. “What happened next?”

“For a while we didn’t talk. I think you accepted the way things were for a while. But one day, in front of everybody in the office, you told me you called off your wedding because of me.”

“The nerve, uh?”

“Yeah,” Jim smiled. He slid his hand across the table, resting it on top of hers. “You took me by surprise. I sat there just looking at you.” He teased her hand with his fingertips. “So a week later I went to a job interview in New York and during an interview I found a note from you with my paperwork.”

“What did it say?” Pam asked, bringing her head up to meet his gaze.

“Something about me when I become famous.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t what it said; it was just the thought of you…So I took my name off consideration and broke up with Karen.” Jim’s heart pounded against his chest.

“You turned everything down…w-why?”

“Because I never stopped loving you.”

Jim became overwhelmed by desire, by a longing to be connected to Pam as strongly as possible. He got up from his seat, walked around the table, and lowered his lips to kiss her, very lightly, lingering, thinking about nothing. He slowly lifted himself to a standing position, bringing her with him. He could feel the length of her body pressing against his through the silk fabric of her dress. His hands began to wonder, deliberately, with eagerness; with love.

When their lips parted, Jim pulled away slightly, gazing intently at her. “I love you,” he whispered—a prayer.

When Jim looked at Pam with that kind of attention, making her feel like she was everything to him, she felt profoundly humble— loved. She followed him as he guided her up the stairs and into their bedroom. Jim gathered Pam as closely as he possibly could, loving her with everything in him. He moved slowly, almost teasingly, peeling her dress off little by little, savoring every inch of her skin. The street lights outside their bedroom casted a warm glow on her skin, making her look so radiant, so beautiful. God, he missed her.

Pam immediately recognized the feeling, the sensation, the pressure of his body against hers. The sweet kisses behind her ears, the soft whimpers and groans, the touch of his hands traveling lower, ever-so-lower—she’s heard and felt it all. Her hands began to wonder through his hair, down his back, feeling his every muscle pulsate under her fingertips. She loved the effect she was having on him. She loved him. And she slowly unwounded, surrendering to every teasing caress he offered.

Jim knew Pam like the palm of his hand for he wondered through the maze of her body many times. He knew exactly what buttons to push, and he was pushing them slowly, and with increasing vigor. He could feel her heartbeat in-sync with his, pulsating to the beat of their lovemaking. He was in her, around her, leaving her nothing more than a limbic core with a few peripherals. When the wave overtook them under its inviting surge, they glided freely in each other’s arms, allowing their bodies to fuse together as one.

They lay in bed, limbs tangled, skin flushed, beads of sweat adorning their foreheads, and their lips full and tinged with scarlet rues. His arms wrapped protectively around her and his leg rested snuggly amongst hers. He savored this moment, never wanting to let go. He will never let go. Jim felt fulfilled and warm in her embrace for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.

Pam rested her head over his bare chest, feeling his ribcage rise and fall rhythmically as sleep welcomed him in its arms. She shifted closer to him, fitting to the symmetry of his body. She whispered I love you into his heart, for safe-keeping, in case she forgets again.

*

*

The sun was just above the horizon when its rays reached out, peering through the thin, draped curtains urging Jim awake. Barely alert and with his eyes still shut, he lazily stretched his long arm, seeking for her in the sea of blue sheets beside him. But he only felt the imprint and the fading warmth of her body as his fingertips stroked the empty spot next to him. He slowly propped himself up with his elbows, looking around the room, listening to its stillness. He then slowly sat up, reaching for his boxers and his undershirt from the heap of clothes at the foot of the bed.

The floor creaked under his bare feet as he made his way down the hallway past the kids’ room. It was fairly early and Ellie and Ben were still sprawled lazily on their beds peacefully asleep. Jim made his way down the stairs, peered into the kitchen and living room only to find it empty, silenced. It’s not until his heart began to quicken its beat that he noticed the front door slightly ajar. Wrapping his arms around himself, Jim ventured out into the cool morning breeze.

Jim rubbed his hands together for warmth as he looked around their front yard, spotting the garage door lifted open. He began walking across the lawn, approaching its entrance to peek inside. He found Pam engulfed in his oxford shirt, sitting at her easel with a wooden palette in hand. Her head tipped sideways and her lips pressed together in thought, not noticing paint dripping from the palette like melting ice cream. He watched her push the extra long sleeves up to her elbows and begin moving the paintbrush effortlessly across the canvas like a needle gliding on an old vinyl record.

Jim stepped further inside—cautiously, not wanting to interrupt her trance. But the image of her painting was so poignant and powerful that he couldn’t resist. He approached her from behind and wrapped his arms around her waist. He brushed aside the curls brushing against her neck and began teasing her skin with small kisses. He could see the corner of her lips curving into a smile as he inched closer and closer to the spot just behind her ear.

“Good morning,” he said, punctuating each syllable with a kiss.

“Mmmm….Good morning,” she said, exhaling the contentment coursing her veins. She turned to face him and he lowered his lips to meet hers—tenderly, lingering.

When their lips finally parted he motioned to the easel. “You’re painting before daybreak.”

“Yeah… I woke up with the urge and…I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I had this picture in my head,” she gestured to the unfinished painting, “I needed it done.”

“You remembered what you were painting?” Jim asked, and Pam nodded, smiling. “What is it?”

“You can’t guess?” She asked mischievously.

“No yet…” he said tentatively.

“Well… you’ll soon.” She stood up on her tippy-toes and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I know the kids will be up soon, so I won’t be long here.”

Jim smiled, running his hands up and down her arms. “Ok, I’ll get the coffee going.”

Jim walked back to the house and into the kitchen, filing the coffee maker and the tea kettle with water. He sat on the table nursing his empty mug, marveling at the events of the previous night. He couldn’t quiet put his current state of mind into coherent thoughts. Last night felt similar to their first night together, and if he is being honest, Jim felt most nervous on the latter. In almost seven years of happily, freely, and languorously making love to Pam, yesterday had been new to him. He wanted her to feel exactly as he did their first time—insane with happiness.

Jim sat amid thought, unaware of the whistling kettle on the stove. He was lifted from his reverie by Pam entering the kitchen. “Hey.”

“Oh hey,” he said startled. “Didn’t see you come in.” Jim stood up and removed the whistling kettle from the stove before pouring coffee into his mug. “You’re done?”

“Oh no,” she said, retrieving her mug from the cupboard and allowing Jim to fill it with the hot water. “Not yet, but soon.”

The kitchen felt silent as both nursed their mugs, slowly sipping its hot contents. Morning had quickly settled and dust particles floated up in the daylight that spilled through the small kitchen window. Pam smiled feebly at Jim and motioned to speak, but hesitated. Jim noticed her struggle and decided come to her aid.

“Tell me.”

Pam smiled, knowing she couldn’t hide anything from him. “You know,” she began, “I want to remember. I want to remember everything.” Jim watched her clutch tightly to her mug. “Last night was…” Her eyes were dreamy and distance, a smile stretched across her face. “It’s just…I can not know about our first date, first kiss, the kid’s firsts…” Pam trailed off, resting her head in her hands. “I feel a chunk of my life is missing. I feel a void.”

“C’mere,” Jim said extending his arms in her direction. She tentatively stood up, walked around the table, and situated herself on his lap. Jim sensed the tension under his fingertips as he rubbed lazy circles on her back. “How about we drop off the kids at my mother’s and I’ll show you and tell you everything you want to know.”

Pam smiled, flinging her arms around his neck. The anxiety she’d been feeling slowly drifting away. “I’d like that.”

“Alright, it’s a date.”

....................
Their morning routine was usual and filled with spilled juice, burnt toast, giggles, and milk-mustache kisses. Even with the customary chaos, Pam’s favorite part of the day was mornings. No matter how weary or hesitant she felt, there was always the certainty that absolutely anything could happen. Today might be the day I remember. And even though she might not, it matter not a jot. The possibility was always there.

After dropping the kids off at Jim’s parents, they were on their way to memory lane. Pam had a queasy feeling about leaving the kids, even if it was at their grandma’s house. The only time she’d been away from them was when she was at the hospital, but since then she’s spent every minute with them. It had only been five minutes since they drove away, but Pam already missed them.

“Are you sure your mom doesn’t mind keeping them for the whole day?”

“No, not at all. I’m afraid we won’t be able to get them back.” Jim mused, receiving a feeble smile tugging the corners of Pam’s lips. “I promise we won’t take the entire day,” Jim said conscious of her qualms. “Do you want to go back and get them?”

“Maybe,” she said sheepishly. “Is that bad?”

“No… We could bring them along,” Jim offered.

“No…they’ll be bored… I’m just…. Forget it…. Um… Where are we going?”

“First, I thought we would go where we met.” Jim said, averting his eyes from the traffic to look at her.

“Work?”

“Yes—“

“Isn’t it closed today?”

“It is, but I have the keys—perks of my position.”

When the car pulled into the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot, Pam gazed, wide eyed at the light colored, brick building standing inside a shrubbery fenced area. This setting was definitely familiar, though its vibe made her feel somewhat uneasy. Jim parked the car and made his way to her side to open the door for her.

“This is it,” Jim said, gesturing towards the empty lot. She stepped cautiously out of the car, linking her hand with his, allowing him to pull her across the parking lot. Jim fiddled with the keys, testing two possible options before the lock finally clicked open. They walked inside, taking the elevator to the second floor. The doors opened and she faced a small hallway with white wall and an oversized plant to her right. She followed him towards the glass door and stood by as Jim unlocked the door and flicked the fluorescent lights on.

“Tah-dah,” Jim said as the lights turned on one at a time.

“This is it, uh?”

“Yep, this it is.”

This was a place she should remember. Many stories Jim told her involved this office and the people in it. This was the place she met Jim, where she fell in love with him—the first time. She walked to the first island of desks, easily singling out hers with all the pictures of the Ellie and Ben. She traced the edge of her desk with her finger, stopping briefly to inspect the contents inside the drawers—a hairbrush, a lint-remover, jellybeans, and a cardigan. The kid’s artwork was also displayed as well as few of what she thought was her own sketches.

“This hasn’t been touched.”

“Yeah, our boss was very demanding that no one touched your desk.” Jim walked further into the office, leaning on the reception desk. “At one point he wanted to erect an altar.”

“I’m glad he didn’t. Imagine that?” Pam chuckled.

Pam trotted to the kitchen, the annex, the break room and back. Jim followed her patiently as she observed every inch of the office. She was taking every detail in, scrutinizing the content on each desk and imagining its owners. This place was not foreign, in the back of her mind she recognized the smell and the aura, if there was such a thing in an office. She knew this place.

“So?” Jim asked, watching her pan her eyes around the office once more.

“It rings lots of bells, but nothing major.”

“Okay…” Jim shifted uncomfortably, walking to her desk and leaning against it. “We had our first kiss right here.” Jim said, patting the edge of her desk.

“The infamous kiss?” Pam smiled mischievously.

“Yep… that one.” Jim said unable to hide his grin. “Also the first time we joked,” He pointed to the reception desk, “was there and the first time we had lunch together,” he pointed towards the kitchen, “was there.”

“Lots of firsts.”

Pam felt the importance this dim, typical paper supply office was for them. All their memories were packed tightly between these walls. If walls could talk, she mused. Pam started walking towards the exit, but stopped mid stride, eyeing a watercolor hanging on the wall. The painting and its contours seemed amateur, but Pam knew it belonged to her.

“I did this,” she said with all conviction, pointing to the painting. “I drew this, I know.”

“You did…” Jim said. “A long time ago.”

Looking at the painting Pam saw more than colors and lines. That painting evoked a deep feeling within her. It meant more than its image let on. “How…why is it here?”

“Michael, our boss, liked it so much that he bought it from you on your first art show.”

“It means a lot to me…it’s—“

“It was the first time someone appreciated your talent.” Jim said knowingly. “He was one of the few that went to your art show. It did mean a lot to you.”

Pam smiled, tracing her fingers along the edge of the frame. “Somehow I know that.”

Jim approached her, placing a kiss on her hair. She leaned into him, letting her head fall on his shoulder. He pulled her to a full hug, embracing her small frame in his arms. “I think we should get going.”

“Where?” She asked raising her eyes to meet his.

“You’ll see,” Jim smiled sideways, quirking an eyebrow.

They walked back to the car and Pam watched Jim drive towards the highway. She laid her head back on the headrest, closing her eyes as the car’s motion lulled her asleep. The sun’s rays flashed against her closed eyelids, sending her mind wondering to the previous night. How fulfilled she felt. How absolutely amazing he felt. His fingertips awakened every dormant muscle in her body, calling forth their presence as he made sweet love to her. He was very tender and considerate, making her feel that more welcomed in his arms. Nothing had ever felt as right as it did last night.

An hour later, Pam’s eye’s fluttered open as Jim ran his fingertips up and down her leg. She sat up disoriented, fixing the seatbelt around her.

“We are almost there.” Jim said, watching her lazily stretch her arms in front of her. “No more painting before dawn.”

“Yeah…” She chuckled through a yawn.

Pam watched as Jim took exit 17 and stopped at a rest stop. Fairview, it read. She looked at the fuel gauge and it was more than half way full. She didn’t understand why he needed to fill up if they were almost there—not that it needed to be filled anyways. She shrugged the thought, getting comfortable on the seat. But then, something clicked, something made sense as Jim maneuvered the car into a parking spot. They had arrived.

Jim observed the wheels turning inside her head. He knew she was trying to figure out why he had stopped here, at a gas station, in the middle of nowhere. Her eyebrows were knitted together and her mouth was twisted sideways—in thought. He watched her unbuckle her seat belt and slowly, almost tentatively step outside. He didn’t hesitate following her as she absorbed the ordinary setting. He placed his hands inside his pockets feeling the coolness of her engagement and wedding rings. They had removed them at the hospital and she hadn’t worn them since.

Pam looked back at Jim, defeated. She couldn’t remember. He strode towards her wrapping his arms around her. Jim was sure he could get drunk from the delicious smell of her hair. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, bringing his mouth inches from her ear.

“Give up?” He whispered.

Pam chuckled, burrowing her face in his chest. “Mmmm….yes.”

“This was where I proposed to you.”

“Here?” Pam said panning her eyes around, confirming that they were still standing at a rest stop, that they hadn’t been beamed somewhere else. “Okay.”

“I had planned on proposing to you a few months before, with fireworks and everything.” He smiled. “But that didn’t work out. Then you left for….”

“Pratt," she added.

“Yes… So you were in Pratt, I was here and… things were busy. We didn’t see each other for almost two weeks. And I just… I couldn’t wait.” Jim smiled shyly. “So I asked you to meet me here,” he said gesturing around. “Then…”

Jim’s heart began pounding in his chest and his palm began sweating. At least the first time he could’ve blamed on the rain, but not now. Anyone that says the second time around is easier was wrong. He took her hands in his trembling ones, running his thumb over her empty ring finger. He continued to hold her hand, finishing for the rings inside his pocket. He pulled both rings out, watching as her eyes locking on them.

“Pam…” he began.

“Oh my God…” she shrieked, covering her mouth.

“Will you remain married to me?” He smiled, watching her surprised reaction."I know its lame, but..."

“Yes!” She said, without hesitation.

Jim pulled her face close to his looking intently into her eyes. He lowered his lips to meet hers, feeling the warm and sweet taste of her mouth. He smiled, sensing her lips curve into smile as well. He wrapped his arms tightly around her acknowledging a few happy tears that spilled on his shirt; he wasn’t sure whose they were.
Pam pulled away slightly, dabbing her eyes with her fingertips. “I remember…” she said nodding her head. “… I remember.”

“What?” Jim asked curiously.

“It was raining.” She said closing her eyes, as if lulling the memory back. “I remembered that it was raining—”

“Yeah… It was.” He interrupted. “It poured that day. I didn’t want you to drive back.”

Pam smiled. “You just didn’t want me to go back,” she said, sniffing away a few tears.

“Secretly, I didn’t want you to leave.” Jim said with a snug smile on his face. “I wanted you with me, always.”

“And always it will be.”

*

*

Pam marveled at the rings on her finger as glimmers of sunlight reflected on them. The happiness she felt came with a capacity for her to feel deeply, enjoy simply, and think freely. She watched Jim grab hold of her hand and brush his lips against each of her knuckles. She couldn’t stop smiling and neither could he. Jim felt weightless, and if he let go from the steering wheel he would float in a blissful haze. Imagine how would you feel if you lost everything and gotten it all back?

“You hungry?” Jim asked.

“I am,” she replied. “Let me guess? We’re going to eat where we had our first date?”

“You catch on pretty quickly.”

“And where would that be?”

“Cugino’s.”

“How did that date go?”

“Aside from the fact that—” Jim was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He fished for it in his pocket, frowning at the caller id. “Hey mom….Yeah… About forty-five minutes away, why?....Okay, Since when?” Jim frowned and Pam looked at him curiously. “Okay…um… I don’t know….” Jim scratched the back of his neck, glancing tentatively at Pam. Pam was becoming alarmed, mouthing ‘What is it’, but Jim wouldn’t answer. “Yeah… I’ll…Do you still have the humidifier?.…. Okay.” Pam felt her body shifting back as Jim rammed the gas pedal. “Yep…bye.”

“What’s wrong?” Pam asked worried.

Jim pressed his lips together clutching firmly to the steering wheel. “Ellie… she’s wheezing and coughing.”

“What happened?” Pam was alarmed. Her heart began beating faster; the overwhelming bliss she’d felt was quickly replaced by pure, unadulterated fear.

“I don’t know. My mom said she was fine one minute and wheezing the next.”

“Has this happened before?” Pam knew she should’ve nursed the uneasy feeling she felt about leaving them. Can this car go any faster?

“She had a similar episode a few years back…” Jim averted his eyes from the road, gazing at Pam. “It was a likely allergic reaction. Everything turned out okay.” Jim reached for her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers. “My mom is giving her antihistamines.”

Jim was trying to be calm, but inside his innards was throwing up a storm. He remembered the previous episode very well. Pam was pregnant with Ben and Ellie couldn’t be more than two. He had gotten the terrifying phone call about his daughter not breathing in a middle of a supplier’s meeting. All Jim remembered after the call was driving at insane speeds to the hospital. Ellie had been fine; the doctor said it was a onetime reaction, which is expected for children building their immune systems. But, her case was deemed serious nonetheless. So, Jim worried.

Pam watched Jim play this nonchalant character as he sped, knitting through the traffic in the interstate. He drummed impatiently on the steering wheel whenever someone ahead drove at the speed limit. Who was he trying to kid? Pam knew that last episode couldn’t have been just an episode. And the notion that Jim was trying to play it off like it was nothing was insulting. Pam weighted his silence heavily before it was shattered with the abrupt ringing of Jim’s cell phone.

“Hey mom….” Jim held the phone closer, but Pam was all ears. “Yep… ’bout twenty minutes away… Okay…” Jim looked at Pam, biting his bottom lip before replying. “If dad gets home before we do, take her.” Pam looked at Jim alarmed. “I’ll…. Bye.” Jim tuned to Pam who was in the brink of hyperventilating. His eyes revealed the answer before he phrased it. “She’s getting worse.” It was all he said before his concentration returned to the road, though his hand never left hers.

When Jim and Pam finally reached his parent’s house, Pam almost jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop. They both rushed into the house, finding Jim's mom massaging Ellie’s chest while she uneasily gasped for air. Jim gently scooped her limp body in his arms, kissing her flushed skin.

“Hey El?” Jim said, stroking her small face. Ellie’s eyes fluttered open, but she didn’t respond. Her breathing was very strenuous.

Pam took Ellie’s small hand in hers, running her thumb over her tiny knuckles. “Hey sweetie.”

“Let’s go?” Jim said, walking with Ellie outside.

Pam picked up Ben, who had been watching the scene; his eyes were the size of saucers. “Mommy’ll be back, ’kay?” She said kissing his cheek.

“Ellie boo-boo mommy?”

“Yes buddy… Ellie has a boo-boo.”

“Keep me updated,” Jim's mom said, taking Ben from Pam’s arms.

“We will.”

Pam rushed outside where Jim maneuvered to open the car’s door while protectively holding Ellie. Pam could hear the high-pitched sound of her breathing as she inched closer. What if Ellie stops breathing? What if things aren’t okay this time? Suddenly Pam was the one suffocating by the allergens of her mind.

“Pam?” Jim lifted her from her trance. “Sit in the back with her.”

After Pam situated herself on the backseat, Jim slowly lowered Ellie on her lap. He buckled both in before running around to the driver’s side. Ellie sat against Pam’s chest, taking very long heaves, as if breathing through a straw. She was suffocating. Pam rested a hand on her small chest feeling it rise and fall erratically. Pam closed her eyes, tears burning against her eyelids.

“Stay with me sweetie.” Pam said, pulling Ellie close to her body, talking to the child’s ear. “It’s gonna be okay. Breath baby, breath.” Ellie’s tiny hand pressed down on Pam’s shirt. “It’ll pass, just… breath.” A stream of sound was released from Ellie’s throat like the air being released from a balloon. “There you go.” Pam rested her cheek against Ellie’s flushed face, feeling the warmth of her skin. “Good girl.”

Jim had one eye on the road, the other on the rearview mirror watching mother and daughter breathing together. Just a bit longer , he thought. Please God, please. When the blue hospital sign came into view, Jim let out a breath his didn’t know he was holding. He parked the car in the emergency lane and quickly made his way around to open the back door. He gently lifted Ellie from Pam’s lap and headed into the ER.

Inside, the doctors were quick to assist them. But removing Ellie from her dad’s protective arms proved to be ineffective; she just got agitated and heaved even more. So, the entire time, Ellie clutched to Jim’s neck as the doctors ministered medications to open her airway and to stop the inflammation on her bronchioles. Ellie cried with every needle prick and fussed with the breathing apparatus placed over her mouth and nose.

Jim looked up at Pam, who closed her eyes, wincing, crushed, every time Ellie’s pleading cry pierced the air in the room. She felt helpless, looking down at her daughter squirming and heaving in agony. There was nothing she could do, except wait. Jim extended his hand, pulling her to sit next to him. Pam opened her eyes, moistened with tears. Jim took her hand and placed on Ellie’s back and placed his on top of hers.

“Ellie… listen to me sweetie,” Jim began. Ellie’s whimpers were muffled by the nebulizer’s mask. “It’s okay, we’re here.” Ellie looked up at him, her long lashes soaked with tears. Jim swallowed dry.

“I think…” Pam began, her voice thick with tears, “I think you should hum.”

Jim was perplexed by the suggestion, but began to hum. Pam rested her head on his shoulder, listening to the deep timbre of his voice resonate trough his chest. The soothing vibrations began to calm Ellie, who began to intake air slowly and rhythmically. Before long she was asleep in his arms, her ribcage pressing against his chest.

“She’s okay,” Jim said, kissing Pam’s forehead. “She’s okay.”

…………….
The sun was setting in the horizon. Dim rays crisscrossed the hospital room from the small side windows. Ellie lay on the bed, her chest rising and falling evenly. Pam gazed at her from the edge of the bed, running her hand over the messy curls on her head. A fleeting reverie of a much smaller Ellie came into view as Pam’s eyelids grew heavy with sleep.

Ellie is wearing a diaper and nothing else, turned on her belly on a pink flannel blanket on top of their bed. Her mouth is slightly open in a tiny ‘o’ and her right hand is clenching and unclenching every so often. Ellie’s neck disappears in folds of baby fat and her ears poke out from the emerging curls on her head. Her diapered bottom is up in the air and an arch of sunlight is inches away from her small pudgy feet.

As Pam inches closer, the soft indentations of Ellie’s leg alters slightly as she kicks, once, and is still again. Pam fishes for her sketch book in Ellie’s diaper bag and considers her daughter. She is not really thinking about it as her hand moves across the paper, recording Ellie’s form. After the preliminary contours, Pam begins to lay it in pastels. Soft cherry, pink, and violet hues begin to adorn her daughter’s silky, porcelain skin. When Pam is finished, she scribbles her initials, the date, in the corner and writes Ellie Marie Halpert in pretty cursive.

Pam hears the front door open and it isn’t long before Jim is leaning against the bedroom’s doorframe; loose tie around his neck, jacket hanging from his shoulder. His smile widens as he lowers his lips to meet Pam’s. When their lips part, his eyes catch her drawing, and he is in awe with her talent.

In the meantime, Ellie stirs. The sunlight has covered most of her body. Jim walks towards her and carefully sits at the bed’s edge. The mattress shifts and Ellie stirs again, brings her small hand over her eyes, and sighs. Jim’s lips brush against Ellie’s rosy cheeks as he scoops her up. Ellie is dwarfed in his arms.

“I missed you today Beanie,” he mumbles.” Did you give mommy trouble?” He chuckles, watching his daughter’s eyes flutter open. “I think she’s waking.”

“Well…” Pam says playfully poking his sides, “You had to pick her up!”

“I think she’s waking.” Jim touched his fingertips to Pam’s shoulder. “Pam?” Pam lifted her head, disoriented, squinting at the bright hospital lights. She gazed at Ellie’s frame stirring in the hospital bed and then back at Jim. “Pam? You okay?”

“Umm… Yeah….I think I dozed off for a minute.” Pam gazed back at Ellie, who sighed audibly before curling on her side. “What did the doctor say?”

Jim motioned with his head towards the door. “Let’s go outside,” he whispered.

Pam stood up, pulling her cardigan tighter around her, and followed Jim outside the room. “So?” She asked urgently.

“She is fine now. They think it’s allergies.”

“To what?” Pam gestured into the air. “They need to figure it out.”

“They don’t know yet.” Jim pulled Pam to a hug. “They are letting us take her home as soon as the tests come back.”

“Did you call your mom? She must be worried.”

“Yeah, ’bout 5 minutes ago.”

“How’s Ben?”

“She said he cried after we left, but is now entertained with dad.” Jim saw her concerned look and offered his best smile. “Will be leaving here—“

Before he could finish, Ellie’s cries began echoing through the corridor. They returned to the room and Ellie immediately extended her arms to be picked up. She had removed the mask over her mouth and was picking at the electrode on her finger. Pam bent over the bed and Ellie threw her arms around her, tears clinging to her long lashes, lips quivering. Pam hoisted her up, holding her close to her chest. She pulled the mask back over Ellie’s mouth and nose and held it in place. Ellie made a face, squinching together her mouth, eyebrows and nose, fussing in protest.

“S’Okay sweetie,” Pam said, rocking her. She was so heavy in her arms now.

Jim grabbed a blanket from the bed and placed it over them. Soon Ellie’s cries reverted to soft moans, then faint grunts. Eventually Ellie calmed, her eyes glistening with tears, her head resting on Pam’s shoulder. Pam situated herself on the bed with Ellie clutching tightly to her neck.

“You okay Beanie?” Pam asked, looking down at her daughter. Ellie lifted her eyes to Pam, a pout sagging on her lips. Pam brushed her thumbs over the little girls face, wiping the remaining tears. She pulled the blanket tighter, creating a protective cocoon around them.

“Beanie?” Jim asked, eyeing Pam.

“You called her that,” Pam said, shifting over so Jim could sit next to them.

“I know that.” Jim said, snaking his arm around them. “But I haven’t called her that in a long time.”

“I think it’s cute,” she said smiling at the little girl, somnolent in her arms.

Jim shook his head. “Why…um… how did you—” He stammered.

“I remembered a day when Ellie was sleeping on our bed,” Pam began. “She was really small, all chubby and pink.” Pam smiled, recalling the memory. “It was late in the afternoon and you came home from work…I was drawing her …” Jim nodded, remembering the exact event. “You picked her up and you called her Beanie.”

“Mmmm, I remember,” Jim said pensively. “I also remember how amazing the drawing was. It hangs in my office to this day.” Jim tenderly stroked Ellie’s hair, marveling at how much she resembled Pam. Where am I in this child? Then he saw her ears poking through her hair. There I am, he chuckled. “You know,” he began. “When we found out about her…I was so happy, but so scared.”

“Remind me,” Pam said, holding Ellie’s small hand in her own.

“Oh, you know the usual. Injured ankle, about to get an x-ray and oops...”

“Surprise!” Pam chuckled.

“You can say that.”

“Do we…Umm… know how….” Pam looked embarrassed. “We…Umm…managed to not have a surprise before….” She said under her breath.

Jim chuckled. “It was a crazy month for both of us. You changed careers, and by changed careers,” Jim mined air quotes. “I mean, dove blindly into a black hole… and I was tormented by a new boss at work. He really didn’t like me.”

Pam’s arms became numb from Ellie’s weight. “Here,” Pam said, shifting Ellie towards Jim. “I can’t feel my arms anymore.”

Jim pulled Ellie to his lap and she instinctively nestled her head under his chin. “So, we were both miserable and I think that we were needy of each other. The stress and the uncertainties of our jobs made us—you forget things.” Jim smirked.

Pam smiled, marveling how those seemingly awful months created the miracle in Jim’s arms. Thank you. Thank you. “If you could go back,” Pam said tentatively. “Would you have done it differently?”

“What? Waited to have Ellie?” Jim looked at Pam and she nodded. “No, I wouldn’t have done it differently.” He said, shaking his head. “You know, she came in to our lives and changed everything. She was the reason I pushed harder, aimed higher.” Pam watched Jim’s eyes grow in thought. “I thought I would be the one teaching our children about life, but they taught me what life is really about.”

“Yeah.” Pam stroked Ellie’s hair, twirling the ends on her finger. “I’ve learned a lot from them too.”

At that moment Ellie propped herself up, panning her eyes around the room. She let out an exhausted sigh and slumped back down against Jim’s chest. “Can we go home,” she whimpered, her voice muffled by the mask covering her mouth.

“We will,” Jim said, planting a kiss to her forehead.

“Now?” Ellie pleaded.

“Soon,” Pam chimed in. “We’ll be home soon.”

*

*

The evening sky was tinted orange by the streetlights outside Jim’s parent’s house. The atmosphere felt strangely calm in comparison to the high seas of a few hours earlier. Everything was still. All the near noises had been swallowed up and only the car’s engine droned. Ellie was fine now, peacefully asleep in the back seat of the car. The soft grunts she made with each breath were music to Pam’s ears.

Pam waited while Jim went inside to get Ben. She had missed her little guy today. She especially missed his mommy-gimme kisses. Whenever Ben wanted something he would plant these sloppy, wet kisses and repeat ‘mommy pleas gimme’ again and again. Pam rarely caved, but it left her weak in the knees.

When she saw Ben run ahead of Jim towards the car, she stepped out and scooped him up in her arms. “Hi buddy!” Pam pulled him close, kissing his rosy cheeks. “I missed you!” Ben giggled, flinging his arms around her neck. She turned to Jim, “I thought he would be asleep by now,” she said surprised.

“My mom said he napped until late in the afternoon”

Pam opened the back door and buckled Ben in his car seat. “It’s going to be a long night,” she chuckled.

“Ellie s’okay mommy?” Ben asked, pointing to his sister in the adjacent car seat.

“Yeah, she’s sleeping,” Pam said, tousling his hair. Ben’s mouth formed a tiny ‘o’ in realization. She kissed him once more before situating herself in the front seat. “Let’s go home,” she said, releasing sigh.

Pam was happy to be finally headed home. For her, home was where the winds of remembrance blew the hardest. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. And she desperately ached to return home. When Jim pulled into the driveway, Pam met his gaze as his thumbs moved about the perimeter of her hand. She watched him smile feebly—exhausted. “C’mon,” he exhaled.

Pam carried Ellie while Jim held on to Ben while juggling a nebulizer and the kids’ bags. Inside, Pam ascended the stairs, heading to Ellie’s room. Ellie was very heavy in her arms now. Her head sank on her shoulder and her small arms flopped to her sides. She was breathing deeply now, hopefully dreaming about rainbows and ice cream, and not hospitals and needles.

Pam laid Ellie on her bed and deftly changed her into pajamas. Ellie shifted and moaned, but didn’t wake. Pam was glad. She tucked her in, kissing her little girl goodnight before heading back downstairs.

Pam could already smell the pot of coffee steaming as she descended the stairs. The smell was so alluring that she considered evading tea tonight. She followed the aroma to the kitchen where she found Ben flaunting around only in diapers. She looked around and found a trail of his clothes leading from the kitchen to the living room.
“What happened here?” Pam laughed.

“I don’t really know,” Jim chuckled. “I guess he saw me come into the kitchen and thought it was bath time.” Jim looked down at his little guy parading around in his Elmo themed diaper. “What have we done to him? He doesn’t know the difference between a kitchen and a bathroom.”

“Well,” Pam said, hiding her laughter. “He has been bathing in the sink.” She scooped him up and patted his diapered bottom. “Why did you take your clothes off mister?”

Ben pressed his lips together and shrugged. “I dunno.”

“You don’t know?” She planted kisses on his full belly. Ben’s giggles echoed through the kitchen. She lowered him to the floor and he went running off to hide behind Jim’s leg. “C’mere you...” Pam cajoled him.

“Up, da-dy, up!” Ben exclaimed, throwing his arms up towards Jim.

Jim lifted him up and he immediately burrowed his face under his chin. Pam walked up to them and tickled Ben’s sides. He, in turn, burst into laughter, contorting his small body and climbing further up Jim’s chest. Jim took the chance to also participate, and in retaliation tickled Pam.

“Oh, oh…. No! Jim… don’t…” Pam said, stepping back.

Jim quirked an eyebrow and repositioned Ben in his arms. “Look Ben, mommy has the tickles too!”

“Tikles?” Ben parroted.

“Jim,” Pam said it more sternly. “Don’t… please…”

Without wavering, Jim stepped forward and dug his fingers into her side. Pam yelped and doubled over, laughing. Ben was very much amused by the scenario. Pam tried to tickle Jim, but her attempt was unsuccessful.

“Sorry,” Jim smiled smugly. “Ben got that from you.”

“Not fair,” she said defeated.

“I guess we win.”

Jim paraded around the kitchen, bouncing Ben in his arms. Ben clapped his hand together celebrating. Pam eyed them mischievously. Even Superman had kryptonite. So, in light of the night they’d spent together, Pam decided to stand dangerously close to him.

“You’re on very dangerous ground,” Pam whispered and turned on her heels.

Jim’s smirk faded. “Okay,” he said, lowering Ben to the ground. A shiver ran up and down his spine. “No need to pull out the big guns.”

Pam smiled contently. Of course she was his kryptonite.




As the night rolled on, Jim and Pam found themselves on the couch nursing their now empty coffee mugs. Pam’s head rested on Jim’s shoulder and his body leaned against hers. His arm snaked around her, stroking her sides with his fingertips. Ben was collapsed in a heap next to Pam. She ran her fingers through her little boy’s hair, smiling at the similarity between the texture under her fingertips and that of the hair tickling her cheeks.

They gazed absentmindedly at the television as it droned the same infomercial for the umpteenth time.

“I want that,” Pam said yawning. She was contemplating purchasing the gourmet quick chop.

“We already have it,” Jim said matter-of-factly.

“Really?” Pam raised her head to meet his gaze.

“Really, and if I remember correctly, we were sitting in this exact spot, watching this infomercial when you looked up at me and said you wanted one. I said, we don’t need one, but you insisted. So we got one. You used it for two days, then never again.” He smiled and kissed her hair.

Pam chuckled, leaning back against him. “Maybe I’ll use it again.”

“Maybe.” Jim turned to look at her and smiled. “I’m gonna go check on Ellie…Let me take this,” he said, taking the empty mug from her.

Pam watched Jim shuffle his feet across carpet to the kitchen. She yawned as she glanced around the living room. She noticed an unusual box tucked behind the television. She frowned, stretching her neck to have a better look at it. She could almost make out the word written across, Docum….. She propped herself up with her hands, but felt Ben shift in his sleep and immediately sat back down. What’s in the box?

Jim returned minutes later with Ellie drowsy in his arms. Her eyes fluttering open with every step he took.

“Was she awake?” Pam asked reaching for Ellie.

“No,” Jim said, lowering Ellie to Pam’s arms. “I went to check on her and she coughed like three times. I think we should give her the medicine.”

“Is it time?” Pam said, nestling Ellie in her arms. “I thought we had another hour or so.”

“We do,” Jim said checking his watch. “But the doctor said if she starts coughing to use nebulizer before it gets worse. I’ll bring it over here,” he said, walking towards the kitchen.

Pam’s eyes fell on the box again. “Hey, Jim.”

“Yep?” He called from the kitchen.

“What’s that box behind the T.V.?”

“Oh, that was going to be part of today.” Jim walked back to the living room, twisting the medication on the nebulizer’s mask. “Remember how I told you about the documentary they did about our office?”

“Yeah?” Pam said, helping Jim place the mask over Ellie’s mouth.

“They caught a lot of moments between us. I thought we could watch it.” Jim turned the nebulizer on and the white mist began emerging from underneath the mask. “I haven’t watched it in a while.”

“Let’s watch it.”

“Now?” Jim asked skeptically.

“Why not?” Pam offered, smiling.

“I guess.” Jim walked over t the box and dragged it to the middle of the living room.

Pam stretched her neck to look at the contents in the box. There were various DVD’s in plastic cases with writing printed across their covers. “There’re a lot of them,” she acknowledged.

“I know,” He chuckled. “Still wanna watch it?”

“Yeah,” she snorted. “The coffee is just starting to kick in.”

“Okay,” he said gazing at her, “Where should we start?”

“Choose a good one.” She winked.

Jim began going through the archives in his mind, eliminating tapings before and a little after Stamford—he wanted to start off light. “Oh, I know!” He exclaimed, fishing a DVD from the box.

Pam squinted to see the title on it, Moments. “What is it?”

“As a wedding gift,” Jim began, opening the case and pulling out the DVD. “The documentary crew gave us this.” He waved the DVD in the air. “It’s a compilation of all the times the cameras caught of us.”

“Sounds good,” Pam smiled, gently pulling the mask away from Ellie’s face, checking how much medicine was left.

Jim popped the DVD in and sat next to Pam on the couch. She grabbed the DVD case from him and read the words printed on the cover, It is difficult to know at what moment love begins. So, here is a little help. Pam smiled and gazed at Jim.

“Ready?” He asked.

She exhaled deeply, anxiously. “Um…Yes.”

Jim pushed play and soon images of themselves as well as others, which she assumed were their coworkers, appeared on the screen. Jim looked much younger. His hair was longer and his clothes were loose-fitting; he looked like he raided his father’s closet. The boyish charm, though, was still intact.

“You look so lanky!” She chuckled, watching Jim’s slim body leaning over the reception desk. “All arms and legs! I hope Ben is not so gangly!” Pam said patting Ben’s diapered bottom.

“Wow!” Jim feigned offense. “I can’t believe you just said that.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Well I just hope Ellie’s hair won’t grow into disarray like that.”

“Hey…” Pam swatted his arm. “Her hair is beautiful,” she said running said her hand through Ellie’s tousled curls.

“Pam, I’ve tried brushing her hair,” Jim’s tone mockingly, “And let me tell you, it’s not an easy task.”

“Really Jim, hair brushing is not an easy task?” Pam prompted. “How did you do without me?”

“I didn’t,” his voice routing a different tone. “One time” he chuckled inwardly, his gaze distance. ”The daycare teacher approached me because Ellie didn’t have shorts under her dress and the other kids were teasing her, ‘I can see your underwear.’”

“Aww…” Pam’s face fell with the realization.

“You always laid out her clothes. I never imagined much thought went into it.” He shrugged. “I’m lost without you, babe,” Jim admitted, planting a kiss on her forehead.

Pam smiled. “Me too.” In more ways than you’ll ever know.

The subsequent images were accompanied by a compelling sense of déjà-vu, and the current one was no different. Pam’s heart melted with Jim’s not a bad day declaration. It earned him a lingering, luscious kiss.

“Mmmh…” he moaned in her mouth. “You’re missing your ex-fiancé wanting to kill me,” he said against her lips.

She turned to see the tiff between Roy and Jim during an office party. “Is he going to punch you?” She said wide-eyed.

Jim chuckled. “No, but I deserved it. I was totally flirting with his fiancée.” Jim winked, pulling her for another kiss. “Hey, I think the medicine is done,” he said, carefully removing the mask and scooping Ellie in his arms.

“Are you bringing her up?”

“Nope, it’s just my turn to hold her.” He grinned.

The following images made Pam blush as she saw herself flirting and checking him out during a basketball game. Jim was also totally flirting too, and not discreetly as she had thought, but right-up-in-your-face flirting. How did I not know?

“Can you be any more obvious?” She said watching him flaunt his basketball skills on the screen. “Such a show off!”

“I was trying to impress you.”

Pam chuckled, nudging him with her elbow. “You did. Look at me, all googly-eyed.”

Jim chuckled, “If I only knew…” He trailed off.

Pam winced as subsequent images of her inebriated self kissing Jim flashed on the screen. She also gasped during the palpable, awkward silence on the booze cruise. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Watch….” He said curtly.

She watched Jim walk purposely to her as the phrase, I would save the receptionist, resonated. But he was interrupted by Roy setting on a wedding date. “You were going too, but...” She trailed off.

“Yep.”

“What do you think would have happened if you had told me?”

“Ellie,” he said planting a kiss on Ellie’s hair, “would be about seven now!”

The next few frames were short and fast moving. Images of stolen glances, awkward silences, unspoken words, and pretend dates on roof tops that made Pam both, cringe and laugh. It was strange for her to watch this person that looked like her, sounded like her, but in a way it wasn’t her—at least not anymore.

“Oh, this is it,” Jim said nudging her side.

“The kiss?”

“No, not yet….”

She watched intently as their younger selves stood alone in an empty parking lot.I’m in love with you, echoed in the living room…Probably not good timing. I know that. I just…..… I just needed you to know, once. Her eyes filled, hearing herself repeat I can’t too many times. Then the image of them kissing followed on the screen.

Pam bit her lips, watching Jim’s hand slip through hers. “I was so stupid.”

“No you’re not,” he said, pulling her closer. “I sprung that on you two weeks before your wedding.”
“Still...”

“Eventually you came to your senses.” He mused. “The next ten minutes,” he said looking at is watch, “You’ll see that I lose my senses.”

And she did. She watched him turn her down and almost ignore her through the days, trying to move on, dating someone else, avoiding pranks, avoiding her. She smiled when he admitted he still had feelings for her and winced when Roy almost punched him, yet again.

“That’s the second time he’s wanted to attack you.”

“I kissed his fiancée.” Jim adjusted Ellie in his arms. “Looking back I don’t blame him. I would have done the same,” he said winking at her.

Finally, Pam watched her declaration at the beach. There was so much feeling in her voice. Years of hesitation just oozing out of her mouth. “Wow, that’s…” she was speechless. “I guess I really needed you to know…Right then and there.”

“Yeah… I was shocked. All I could thing was Oh My God.”

The next scene showed Jim barging into the conference room, asking Pam to dinner. Pam gazed at her flushed and completely surprised face on the screen. The elation emitting from the television was tangible. They looked at each other and smiled.

The screen went black and the words Pam Beesly & Jim Halpert displayed on the screen. “Oh wow… That was quite amazing. I can’t believe it took us so long got get there.” Pam said taken aback.

“Yeah, that is only the first half. The second half is of us dating, my fake proposal, my almost proposal, and then the real proposal,” he chuckled. “There is some of you at Pratt and of our house. There’re us finding out about Elllie…. The wedding….”

“They caught a lot on tape.” She said, pulling Ben to her arms.

“Yeah, they were a big part of our lives. Almost eight years.” Jim said, turning the television off. He stood up and adjusted Ellie on his shoulder. “I glad though.”

“Me too.” Pam smiled and pulled herself up clutching a slumbering Ben.

C’mon,” Jim said heading up the stairs. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Yeah,” she said exhausted. “Let’s go to bed.”

*

*


Pam wakes up in the middle of the night with a slight twinge somewhere deep inside her. If this wasn’t her second pregnancy, she would have been alarmed, but having gone through this before she brushes off the pain and drifts off to sleep. It’s not until a half hour later that she wakes with a noticeably stronger sting. Too intense ignore. It’s as if someone is pulling her internal strings, slowly tearing her skin apart. She tries to prop herself up, but her efforts are futile.

“Jim,” she mumbles, but no response. “Jim,” she calls a little louder, reaching for him.

He groans in the back of his throat and turns to her, “Yeah?” His voice is thick with sleep.

“I don’t feel good,” she says wincing as the pain aggravates. Her hand slips to her distended stomach, rubbing it restlessly.

“Is it your back?” He asks, reaching to turn on the lamp. “Leg cramps?”

“No, it’s here,” she says, resting her hand below her bellybutton. “Oww.” She whimpers in pain.

Jim peels the sheets from her and is overcome by the smell of iron in the air. He can almost taste it. “What the—” His eyes catch a slight tinge of red on her pajama bottoms. He nudges her legs aside and a large scarlet splotch reveals underneath her. “Oh my God, Pam…” Jim says frantically. .”You’re…”

“What?” She says alarmed.

Jim’s voice is lodged in his throat, “There’s umm… blood. Pam you’re bleeding!”

“What?” she says reaching between her legs. “No, no…” she exclaims seeing the crimson color blotting her fingers. “The baby… Jim, the baby.”


“Jim… the baby. No, no… We have to go to the hospital. Jim….” Pam was franticly tugging his arm.

Startled awake by her frenzied cries, Jim’s heart immediately lodged in his throat. “Whatsgoingon?” He mumbled, a spectrum of possibilities going through his head.

“The baby, Jim, please, we have to go!” Pam was shuddering, propped on her knees, tears running down her cheeks

“Baby?" Jim reached for the lamp, squinting as the light flooded the room. “Pam…What—” Realization rapidly sank in as the foreboding images of that night came flooding his mind.

“It’s okay babe. “C’mere.” He reached for her. “He’s fine. Ben is fine,” Jim said, running his hand down her back. He looked down at her, wiping the tears rolling down her cheeks, “You were remembering again.”

“What?” She released a shuddering breath. “What happened?”

“You were seven months in with Ben when you woke up bleeding. We went to the hospital and it turned out you went into preterm labor. They were able to stop it and you were on bed rest for a while.”

In one swift motion, Pam swiveled her feet off the bed. “I’ll be right back.”

“Pam, where—” Before he could finish, Pam had slipped through his arms, padding out of the bedroom. She came back moments later holding a slumbering Ben tightly to her chest.

Jim smiled.

She climbed on the bed and laid Ben in between them. Ben shifted slightly, sprawling his limbs as far as they went.

A silent moment passed before Pam looked solemnly at Jim and said, “I thought we lost him.”

“Me too,” he said pensively, his mind also reverting back to that day. Doctors and nurses running this way and that, needles and tubes and wires and medications and IV’s and then…a heartbeat.

“I just prayed that he would stay in my belly in a little longer, you know?” She traced each of his little fingers.

“The little guy just wanted to come out early.” Jim ran his hand through Ben’s hair. “The kid is as stubborn as his mother since the womb.” Jim slowly slid down the headboard, pulling Ben and Pam closer to him.

“I’m not stubborn.”

“Noooo, of course not.” Jim smiled, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Back to sleep?”

“Yes,” she exhaled. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”



The September sun shone high in the sky, its bright rays no longer emitting their summer warmth. The fresh, green foliage had metamorphosed into mosaics of yellow, orange, and scarlet rues on the ground. The previously warm breeze now sent chills up and down Pam’s spine as she watched her children, jumping on the heaps of leaves they’d just raked in the yard.

Pam’s mind reverted to last night’s reminiscence. How incredibly vivid and real it had been. It was as if she were re-living it. All the tension and fear came flooding back, assaulting the barricades that sheltered her mind.

Lately, that’s how vivid all the memories had been. Analogous to dreams that frighten you awake, leaving you scared to open your eyes.

“Hey,” Jim said, calling her from her daze with a cup of hot cocoa.

“Hey.” Pam seized the cup and reached up on her toes to brush her lips against his. “Thanks.”

“Cold?” He asked, stroking her arms.

“Yeah…I wonder if we should take them inside.”

“They’re fine.” Jim gazed at their children submerged in leaves and then back at Pam. He noticed her gaze distant. Her eyes with the lightest tinge of red, probably from the little sleep she had gotten the previous night.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah….” But her tone confirmed otherwise.

“Thinking about last night?”

Pam exhaled. “Yes….Anything else I should know about.”

“Not off the top of my head. I guess we’ll both have to wait.”

Sometimes it was nice that Pam didn’t remember such occasions, and Jim wouldn’t mind forgetting a few painful memories of his own. But looking back, all events, good or bad, had slowly weaved their lives into one thread. And the returning memories weren’t always daunting. That same night, after Ellie and Ben were sound asleep, it had been a pretty good one.


Jim had stepped out of the shower and found Pam perched on the bed with a sly grin adorning her face. Her eyes were dark and her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

“What?” He asked, creasing his brow.

Pam didn’t respond, but continued to smile. A light bulb flickered in Jim’s head and he began moving cautiously towards her.

“Where are you?” He asked, climbing on the bed.

“June ’07,” she responded.

“Um… Is it raining?” He asked and Pam nodded, her cheeks now crimson red. He crawled towheads her and pinned her down on the bed. “Am I doing this?” He began trailing kisses down her neck. “And this…” He clumsily tugged at the rim of her shirt. “Did my watch get caught on your necklace yet?” He mused. “Or was that after you choked me with my tie?”

Pam chuckled, closing her eyes, re-living the memory of their first time.



Later that night, their bodies lay deliciously exhausted, washed in orange by the streetlights outside their bedroom window. Jim’s hand drew lazy patterns on Pam’s back and she traced her index finger over his ribcage. Though her last reminiscence was the reason she was reveling with her husband right now, it also lodged a tinge of inexplicable jealously within her.

“How many before me?” She asked hastily.

“Six,” he casually answered, peeking down at her perfectly resolute expression.

“You’re my second,” she disclosed.

“I know,” he pulled her closer.

Pam was silent for a brief moment before she broke it with another question. “Who?”

“Umm, let’s see.” Jim lifted his head, supporting himself on one elbow. He grasped the hand that studied his chest and brought it to his lips. “There was Meghan in High School. Sarah and Charlotte in College.” His lips gently brushed over each of her knuckles. “There was also Sophia from when I went abroad for a semester. And then there was Katy and Karen.”

Pam looked up at him and smiled feebly. “Most memorable?”

“Are you included?”

“No.”

“Umm… I would have to say Sarah.” Jim brushed a stray curl behind her ear. “You can say she was my first love aaand I was more proficient in that area by then.”

“And If I were to be included in that category...” Pam prompted, a sheepish smile spreading across her face.

Jim lowered his mouth to hers, nipping at her bottom lip. “Those other girls have nothing on you.”

She brought a hand to his cheek. “I think I was the least experienced.”

“Maybe. But that has nothing to do with it.” He repositioned himself, lying half on top on her. “I had never been as nervous or as eager as I was with you. Every fiber of my being wanted you.”

“I was so scared and didn’t want to let you down.” She could feel his hardness pressing to the inside of her thigh. “You were so sweet and…even now I still ponder if….” She let her thought trail off.

“Don’t.” He kissed her, smiling. “You have no idea the effects you have on me woman.” He ran his hand down her waist, resting on the curve of her hip. “And you gave me two of the most precious things in this world.” Ellie and Ben.

“They are pretty great, uh?”

“They are.” Jim chuckled. “When you were at the hospital, I read them bedtime stories. And one night Ellie asked why I didn’t taste the pages like mommy did.”

Pam burst into laughter.

“Shh…” Jim hushed her with his lips. “You’re gonna wake them up.” His lips took the opportunity to trace a path down her neck.

“Well,” Pam said, tilting her head to give him better access. “Yesterday I found Ben coming from the bathroom and I asked him if he went number one or two. He said, ‘I think number five, mommy. I went a lot.’”

Jim chuckled against her skin, sending chills down his spine. “That’s my little guy.”

Red splotches were surfacing on Pam’s pink skin as Jim’s kisses grew more ardent.

“Can we have another one?”

Jim was taken aback. He stopped, propped himself up, and gazed down at her. “You want another one?”

Pam nodded sheepishly, biting her bottom lip. “Do you?”

Jim looked at her with a soft and loving smile. He gently nudged her legs apart, and lowered himself on top of her. He stroked her hair, planting a lingering kiss to her forehead. He felt her body quiver, slightly.

“Let’s make another baby.”

She let out a breathy, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”



It had been a couple of weeks since Pam’s last reminiscence. She was starting to wonder if they had stopped coming all together. She didn’t mind the one’s that had left her pink with pleasure, only the ones that sent her on an emotional ride. But she was thankful nonetheless that all the pieces were coming together and faster than before. And as she browsed the aisles of the local supermarket, she wondered how many pieces were left.

“Hey babe,” Jim called from down the aisle, holding up two bags of chocolate-chips. “Which one?”

She pushed her glasses further up her nose, scrutinizing the packages. She felt the urge to make her famous chocolate-chip brownies. “Is the left one Hershey’s? Get the Hershey’s one.”

“Okay.” Jim strolled down the aisle tossing one of the bags up in the air.

Ben, who was seated in the grocery cart, became fascinated with the flying bag. “Look mommy,” he pointed and smiled.

“Daddy’s silly, uh?”

Ben stretched his arms for the bag. “Gibe it to me.”

“Please?” Jim said.

“Pleez da-dy?”

“Here you go—one bag of chocolate-chips.” Jim said handing it to Ben. Ben clutched the bag, giggling at the crumpling sound.

“Don’t squish it buddy,” Jim cautioned, tousling his hair. “So, what else do we need?”

Pam tapped her index finger to her mouth, gazing at the grocery list. “We still have vanilla, right?”

“I think so.” Jim paned his eyes around finding Ellie, skipping unconcernedly down the aisle. “El, stay close sweetie,” he beckoned before turning back to Pam. “But just to be safe we should get another one.”

“Sounds good. C’mon Skippy,” Pam called for Ellie. “This way.”

Eventually they found themselves on the checkout lane, waiting behind a long line of shopping carts. It seemed everyone had chosen today to go grocery shopping. Pam was going through the list one last time, ensuring all the essential items were in the cart—last time she’d forgotten the baking powder.

“Hon,” Jim said. “We have everything.”

“That’s what I thought last time.”

“I know, but—”

“Out,” Ben cried, “Out mommy!”

“Someone’s getting impatient already.” Pam lifted him from the seat and lowered him to the ground. “And he’s not the only one!”

“We are almost there,” Jim chuckled.

“Coulda I have this one?” Ellie chirped, holding a colorful candy package. “Please daddy?”

“Let me see it young lady,” Jim said in a husky deep voice, rubbing his chin—in thought. Ellie and Ben were amused. “Humm….uh-hum. Is it Jelly Beans you want?”

“Yes, Jelly Beans, Sir daddy!” She replied, taking part in the game.

“Jelly Beans you shall have.”

Pam chuckled, rolling her eyes. “Daddy will put it in the cart Ellie.”

“No, I wanna holdem.” Ellie pleaded.

“Your wish is my command Ms. Halpert,” Jim said bowing down, as he offered her the plastic package.

“Thank you, Sir.” Ellie gave him a cheeky smile.

The lined didn’t seem to move and even with Jim’s attempts to lighten the mood, Pam’s patience was wearing thin. She couldn’t stand the crowds of people anymore. And if they waited any longer, Ellie and Ben would have a year’s worth supply of candy piled in the cart.

“Really? She’s going to use ALL those coupons?” Pam bickered at the elderly lady browsing through her bag in front of her.

“Relax babe,” Jim said as he held Ben upside down. Ben giggled hysterically. “Her cart is not even full.”

Pam exhaled, watching Ben’s hair fan through the air. His hair is getting too long. “I just want to—”

“Pammy?”

She heard a familiar voice call her name. She panned her eyes around. Jim did the same, but he already knew who it belonged to.

She felt a tap on her shoulder. “Pammy?”

She turned to see Roy standing before her. “Oh, Hey.” He was much bulkier in person.

Roy pulled her to a hug. “Long time no see.” His eyes then met Jim’s and the child dangling from his arms. “Halpert,” he extended his hand and Jim shook it.

“Hey, how’re you?” Jim said.

“Good, doing good. It’s Ben right?” Roy said pointing to Ben.

“Yeah, this is he.” Jim said tickling Ben, eliciting his smile.

“I don’t think he had that much hair the last time I saw him.” His words had a little bite to them. Pam noticed. “And this is…” Roy said, gazing down at the little girl hiding behind Jim’s pants leg. “Ella?”

“Close. It’s Ellie.” Jim said, stroking her hair.

Roy kneeled to the little girl’s level. “Watchu got there, uh?” He pointed at the bag she was clutching.

Ellie looked up to her dad and only after he nodded ‘okay’ she replied. “Jelly Beans.”

Roy stood up. “Pam, she looks exactly like you.

“That’s what they say,” she replied.

“So Pam,” Roy began, “How’ve you been since the accident?”

Pam’s face fell. “Umm, good, good.”

Roy’s voice suddenly took a somber timbre. “You were at the hospital for a long time.”

“Yeah,” she said, brushing it off. “It’s been a while, I’m fine now.”

“I wanted to come visit you, you know.” Roy darted his eyes to Jim. “But things got in the way.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, turning towards Jim.

“You know,” Roy shifted uncomfortably, “Kenny’s real sorry.”

“Okay.” Pam phrased it more like a question.

“He’s going to the meetings and all. He wants to get his life together.”

“Yeah, he should,” was all she could muster to say. She didn’t understand

“Hey look,” Jim interrupted, “that lane just opened up.” He began pulling the cart to the adjacent cashier.

“Oh, ummm it was good seeing you.” Pam said casually.

“Yeah, me too. It was good seeing you too.”

“Yeah.”

And with that Pam walked over to Jim, helping him load the groceries on the conveyer belt. Jim was quiet and for now, it was okay.


At home they unloaded the groceries and Pam retreated to the kitchen to begin baking, with the assistance of her little helpers. The tension between Jim and Roy went unsaid and the lingering question about Kenny’s identity went unasked. Quite frankly, she didn’t want to know.

Jim came into the kitchen, and dipped his finger in the batter and brought it to his mouth. “Ummm, this is good!”

“No daddy,” Ellie admonished him. “You gonna eat later.” The little girl, herself, had batter all over her mouth.

“So… no one’s down for a nap today, uh?” Jim asked, watching Pam pour the mix in the tin molds.

“They’re too hyped up on sugar. I, on the other hand, could go down for a nap,” she said half-kiddingly.

“Okay, then. Go upstairs and I promised we’ll try to be really quiet down here.”

“Really?”

“Really, plus you get to spend all day with them anyways. It’s my turn.”

“Deal. Oh, the brownies will be ready in about 35 minutes.”

“I got it, don’t worry.” He kissed her forehead. “Now go.”

Three hours passed and Pam hadn’t come down yet. Jim wondered how long more he could keep the kids quiet. His efforts were now crumbling down with every passing second. May be he should go check on her. But he was scared to wake her.

He was going to give her another ten minutes. But, he didn’t have too. He heard her coming down the steps. He began making his way towards the stairs, on his hands and knees, with two kids clinging to his shirt. Ellie and Ben laughed hysterically, trying to balance on their dad’s back. When he came within her view, his met her gaze— her eyes glistened with tears.

“Pam?” He asked cautiously. He didn’t want to worry the kids. “You okay?” He asked.

She nodded.

Jim rose to his knees, Ellie and Ben giggled as they slid down his back. “Did you remember something?”

Pam lowered herself and sat on the bottom steps, tears now freely rolling down her cheeks.

Ellie became concerned and ran to her mom. “Don cry mommy,” Ellie whispered, resting her small hands on either side Pam’s cheeks. “Do you hurt hea?” Ellie asked stroking her mom’s hair.

“No baby, mommy’s not hurting there.” She seized the little girl’s hand and kissed it.

Ben was the next one to come to his mom’s rescue. “I have boo-boo mommy, I no cry,” Ben said, showing a fading scar on his arm.

“You’re a big boy Ben,” Pam said, kissing him. Then she gazed up at Jim.

Jim was still on his knees, waiting, weighting her silence against his knowledge. “What was it?”

“It was Kenny who hit me the night of the accident, right?”

Jim looked at her surprised. “Yeah.” He nodded. “But how—You couldn’t have known.”

“I put two and two together.” She dabbed teary eyes. “I remembered,” she choked out, “everything.” The last word came no louder than a whisper.

Jim was cemented to the floor. His eyes suddenly brimming with tears. “Everything?” He choked out.

Pam nodded.

Jim stood up. “The painting in the living room?”

Pam stood up as well. “The view from our honeymoon suit.”

He took a step forward. “Reason I can’t eat pecans”

Pam smiled. “You’re allergic.”

“The real reason?”

Pam laughed. “You don’t like them.”

He blushed. “Why haven’t we cut Ben’s hair?”

“We were going to prank Dwight.”

They both laughed, dabbing their eyes

“Is that still on?” She asked.

“Definitely.” Jim took another step forward. “Why was my tie cut at our wedding?”

Pam released a sob. “Because I tore my veil.”

At that moment Jim took Pam in his arms. He hugged her, kissing her damp cheeks, running his hands through her hair. Ben and Ellie, not understanding the enormity of the situation, giggled, sandwiched between their parents’ legs. Jim kissed her again, feeling resolve, joy, purpose coursing through her. They pulled apart slightly, looking at one another, reveling in that moment.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” she replied.

They looked down at their kids standing at their feet. Their small round faces crunched in confusion. They knelt to their level.

Ellie gazed between her mom and dad. She dabbed at her dad’s cheeks. “You cry too, daddy?”

“Yep,” He said looking at her. “I’m crying because I’m happy.”

“Daddy’s silly mommy,” Ellie said, stroking her dad’s cheeks.

“He is baby, he is,” Pam said, dabbing her own cheeks.

“I know wat make everybody better?” Ellie chirped.

“What?” Jim and Pam asked in unison.

“Jelly Beans!”

*

*


“We're back here at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company in Scranton PA. We last filmed two years ago, and a lot has changed since then...Now let's catch back up with our favorite couple, Jim and Pam.”


It was Christmas at Dunder-Mifflin and the network had asked to film a holiday special. Michael, having missed the attention, had agreed in a heartbeat. Needless to say, his overbearing excitement got Jim’s and the rest of the office’s cooperation as well.


“So,” Dave began, “It’s really good to see you guys.”


“It’s good to see you too,” Jim replied. “We’ve actually missed you guys.”


“I doubted it!”


They laughed. Jim actually had missed that outlet to reality that the cameras had provided for all those years.


“I can’t believe Ellie is so big!” Dave exclaimed.


“Yeah,” Pam nodded. “I think the last time you saw her, she was barely two.” She looked up at Jim. “I think I was pregnant with Ben.”


“Yeah,” Jim agreed. “You haven’t met Ben yet, right?”


“I haven’t, but I saw the little guy and I just knew as soon as I saw him.”


“No resemblance, uh?” Pam joked.


“What can I say? I do good work.” Jim said, all smug.


“You guys were always my favorites.” Dave winked. “So, how have you guys been?”


“We’ve been good, busy mostly.” Pam said pensively, nodding to Jim.


“Yeah we’re pretty good.”


“We know this year was a bit tough ya’ll.”


“It was,” Jim said contemplatively. “More than I like to admit.” He looked at Pam and smiled. Pam squeezed his hand in return.


“I think more for him than for me.”


“I would say equally.” Jim added.


“We know about the accident and the implications with your recovery,” Dave said and Pam nodded. “Pam, how was waking to a world you didn’t know?”


“Umm,” Pam released a lung full of air. “It was hard.” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I was lost for a while. But something about Jim always pulled me back, especially on bad days.”


She looked at Jim with a sheepish smile.


“What were some of the bad days?” Dave prodded.


“Well, I was a mom. And even if I didn’t think so, Ellie and Ben did.” Pam was beginning to feel that small burning sensation in the back of her eyes. “And they expected me to be mommy and act like mommy.”


“How about for you Jim?”


Jim brushed his thumbs across Pam’s cheeks seeing tears slowly unleashing. “For me, it was just seeing someone you love so much going through so much pain.” He planted a kiss where his thumbs had just been.


“But, you did it again, huh?” Dave teased and Jim face contorted in confusion. “She fell in love with you all over again, man,” Dave explained.


Jim chuckled. “I guess she did. But in all fairness I had help this time around.” He turned back looking at his children playing with Michael through the conference’s room glass window.


“Yeah, that’s major help there.” Dave chuckled. “How was remembering though?”


“It was overwhelming, especially when it came to us.” Pam gestured between her and Jim. “Your wedding gift came in handy.”


“I bet. You two got quite the story.” Dave mused. “But how was it for you, Jim?”


“It was scary ‘cause I never knew,” Jim began. “Like the time she woke me up in the middle of the night in hysterics about Ben’s almost miscarriage.” Jim placed his hand on Pam’s knee. “In a way I had to re-live it again with her.”


“Did Ellie and Ben understand what was going on?”


Jim and Pam looked at each other. “Well,” Jim began. “In the beginning, yes, ‘cause mommy was not home. But as soon as she came back, things just fell into place.”


“Yeah,” Pam nodded. “They would ask questions like, ‘why you’re doing this mommy and not that?’ Or ‘You didn’t do this before’. It was mostly Ellie, but only little things, nothing major.” Pam looked at Jim and smiled. “Jim was amazing. He would never really let me drop the ball.”


“But now you’re back at work,” Dave gestured to Pam, “And I heard you have an art show coming up?”


“Yeah. I’m back. It’s really good to be back. But I do miss my babies. I had spent so much time with them that I was the one crying in the first day back to daycare.”


“Yeah,” Jim agreed. “Not a fun day.”


“Ellie will be starting school next year. I wonder what will happen then.”


“I don’t want to think how fast they’re growing. Soon enough the—” Pam bit her lip, stopping herself from finishing her thought.


“What was that?” Dave asked. “You guys have a little secret?”


Jim and Pam looked simultaneously at each other, a huge grin tugging the corners of their lips. “Umm…” Jim began. “I don’t know—”


“C’mon,” Dave gestured, opening his arms. “We’re practically family.”


“Well,” Pam began, her hand traveling to her stomach. “We’re expecting.”


“Wow.” Dave said, pushing back on his chair, his hands rising to cover his gaping mouth. “Congratulations!”


“Thank you.” Jim smiled.


“How long?” Dave asked.


“I’m just shy of the second trimester.” She looked at Jim and smiled. “I can’t wait for all the morning sickness to stop.”


“I bet.” Dave said, pulling both into a hug. “But the clock is ticking, should we call the little guys in?” Dave asked.


“Sure.” Jim and Pam said in unison.


Pam stood up and opened the conference room door; Ellie and Ben’s eyes quickly darted to Pam. “Hey guys, c’mere.”


“Pam,” Michael whined. “We’re the middle of a game.”


“It will be just a quick second, Michael,” Pam chuckled.


Ellie and Ben quickly trotted over to Pam. She took their hands and led them into the conference room. Jim lifted Ellie to him lap and Pam pulled Ben to hers.


“Hi,” Dave said, his voice gone three octaves higher. “I’m Dave.” He turned to Ellie. “What’s your name?”


Ellie looked up at Jim and he gestured ‘okay’ with his head. She meekly responded, “Ellie.”


“And you?” He looked at Ben.


“Say, ‘my name is Ben,’” Pam coaxed him.


“M’name’s Ben,” Ben mumbled, his legs bobbing up and down.


“So, what did you ask Santa for Christmas?”


“I wanna a bike.” Ellie chimed in. “Ben wanna a bike too.”


Dave chuckled.“Oh, I like bikes.”


“Do you hava a bike?” Ellie asked.


“Yes, I have a big one.” Dave mimed with his hands.


“Daddy has one too.” Ellie nodded. “Is this big.” Ellie lifted her hands above her head.


“Is Santa bringing them bikes?” Dave asked looking between Jim and Pam.


“Well,” Pam began. “They have been good this year.”


“Ben is taking a bath in the tub now.” Jim said and Dave was confused. So Jim continued. “Trust me, it was physically impossible before.”


Dave chuckled. “I interviewed Dwight just before you guys. What was this talk about cloning?”


Jim and Pam laughed. “Ummm…” Jim began. “It’s a long story.”


“I’ve got a couple of minutes.”


“Well,” Jim continued. “We were cleaning out the attic a while back and we found a box of pictures from when I was young. And there’s this particular picture of me that Ben and I looks exactly. Carbon copy, really.”


“So we came up with the idea to make Dwight believe that Ben Jim’s clone.” Pam added.


“We never thought it would work. We even let Ben’s hair grow as long as mine was on the picture.” Jim disclosed.


“So we began to drop small hints here and there.”


“Like what?” Dave asked.


“Like… We brought Jim’s and Ben’s pictures and kinda left them haphazardly on my desk.” Pam revealed.


“We also taught Ben to do a few things.” Jim chuckled.


“Okay, like what?” Dave asked amused.


“Like… Oh, Ben,” Pam said looking at Ben. “Smile like daddy.”


Ben looked up at Jim and smirked, the smile tugging at only one corner of his lips.


“Oh wow, that’s you man!” Dave exclaimed.


“Yeah, we don’t even have to do anything else. Dwight has taken the investigation on his own.” Pam said.


“For all we know, he thinks we’re mad scientists or that I was cloned for government purposes.” Jim added.


“I think this might be your best prank yet. Keep me updated.” He was amused. “Well, our time is up.” Dave said clasping his hands together. “It was really good catching up with ya’ll.”


“Yeah, it was,” Jim said, extending his hand and shaking Dave’s.


Pam lowered Ben to the floor and stood up to hug Dave. “Don’t be a stranger. Stop by whenever you want.”


“Will do.” Dave said.


Pam and Jim walked out ushering their kids outs.


“Till next time.” Dave added.