Pam always thought dying was supposed to be a peaceful transition from the real world to a place of light and beauty. She thought that she would die an old woman in the arms of her husband, not right after hearing her child cry for the first time.

Death was abrupt and shocking. One moment, she was on the hospital bed, seeing her husband’s face completely light up at the sound of their baby crying and then Jim’s green eyes widened in terror, he said her name and she was suddenly here.

She was lying on an old fashioned bed, covered in a quilt. The room was decorated with huge, antique furniture and golden sunlight shone through the lace curtains. Pam sat up in bed, looking around, confused.

“Pamela?” She jumped at the sudden voice from the doorway. An older woman smiled at her and smoothed out her dress. “Hello dear.”

“Uh, hi?” Pam said slowly, trying to figure out who this woman was. “Where am I?”

“You don’t remember me do you?” The woman smiled. “I don’t think you would, you were only four years old.”

“Wait, where’s my baby? Where’s Jim? What’s going on?” Panic began to overwhelm her and she pushed back the quilt. Pam stood and almost tripped over the long, white nightgown.

“Sweetheart,” The woman said soothingly. “I’m your Grandma Julia.”

“That’s impossible,” Pam laughed. “My grandmother died when…I was four…oh my God. Am I dead?”

“Pamela darling, calm down,” Julia walked over and rubbed her back. “You’re in heaven dear. There were complications with the labor and I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Pam’s mind went blank and she slowly sunk to the ground in shock. Julia’s hand remained on her back and she sank down next to her granddaughter. “I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!”

“Pamela I know,” Julia pulled the sobbing woman to her, holding her tightly. “No one ever wants to die and I know nothing I say will make this any easier for you.”

“What about my baby?” Pam gasped, tears staining her face. “Oh God, what about Jim?”

“They’re both fine,” Julia said soothingly. “Would you like to see them?”

“Can I?” Pam asked, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“Follow me,” Julia took her hand and led her through the old farmhouse. There were pictures of her entire family on the wall and even her and Jim’s wedding portrait.

The front door was huge and as antique as the house was. A bright light shone from the edges and when Julia opened the door she was blinded.

When Pam’s vision came back she was standing in the hospital that she had been in less than ten minutes ago.

“Jim,” She breathed seeing her husband sitting in a chair lining the hallway. He was dressed in grey sweatpants and a blue t-shirt that he had thrown on as soon as her contractions had started early in the morning. Jim was trembling violently and barely contained tears flashed in his eyes. He completely ignored her and locked his eyes on the door right behind her.

“He can’t hear you dear,” Julia said softly. “You fell unconscious soon after you had the baby and he was rushed out of the room. He’s been here since then.”

The door opened and Jim shot up, hands shaking. A middle-aged woman in scrubs walked out and led Jim to the side of the hallway.

“Mr. Halpert,” She started, speaking softly. “Your wife experienced extremely heavy bleeding after the delivery. I’m so sorry, but she didn’t make it.”

Jim’s breath hitched in his throat and he fell against the white wall behind him, letting out a sob. His hands flew up to his face and he let out heart wrenching sobs. When the doctor tried to comfort him slightly by laying a hand on his shoulder he violently jerked back, slamming himself back into the wall.

Pam watched with wide, teary eyes as her husband broke down right in front of her eyes. Julia rubbed her shoulder and hugged her slightly.

“Can I see her?” Jim asked brokenly, voice cracking from the tears. “Can I please see my wife?”

The doctor paused for a moment before nodding. She led the still trembling Jim back into the room where a still figure was covered by a sheet.

“I’ll just be outside,” She said. “Let me know when you’re ready.”

When Jim was finally alone in the room he took a few shaky steps towards the covered body and reached out to pull back the sheets, pausing several times before finally pulling them back.

Pam let out a gasp at the sight of her body. She was pale and still, eyes closed and hair still sweaty from the labor.

“Oh Jesus,” Jim moaned, legs giving out. He held himself up on the bed and sobbed harshly, tears dotting the white sheets. He stroked back her sweat-soaked hair and laid his head next to Pam’s. “What am I supposed to do? Oh God.”

Pam sniffed back her own tears and tried to place her hand over Jim’s. It passed through as if it was nothing more than air and Jim did not even acknowledge it.

Jim sat in the room, holding his wife’s limp hand for as long as he could. Eventually, the doctor stepped into the room.

“Mr. Halpert,” She said gently. “I’m so sorry but we have to move her.”

Jim nodded, stood and kissed Pam gently, running his hand through her hair again. The doctor stood aside and let him past.

“And the baby?” Jim said suddenly, turning abruptly. “Is the baby okay?”

“She’s fine,” The doctor said with a smile. “You can come see her if you want.”

“A girl? It’s a girl?” Jim and Pam breathed at the same time. They had agreed that they would wait to find out the sex of the baby and that they would name the baby together when they saw it.

The doctor led Jim to a private room and after a few moments, a small baby bed was brought in and a tiny form wrapped in pink squirmed.

Jim lifted the baby and again, tears flashed in his eyes. Pam took a look at her newborn daughter and felt her breath catch. She was stunning. There was a small patch of brown hair on the top of her head and when she opened her eyes they were the bright blue of newborn babies.

Jim stared down into the face of his daughter as if in shock. He took in a shaky breath and gently stroked the side of her face.

“God Pam,” He whispered. “You should be here.”

“I am,” Pam whispered back, tears filling her eyes again. She tried to touch her daughter and was shocked when she could actually feel the newborn. The baby opened her eyes and looked at Pam.

“She can see you,” Julia said softly. “As people grow older they grow blind to angels. Their eyes are clouded by doubt, fear, guilt, and sorrow and they aren’t able to see the ones who move on. But children can clearly see everything.”

“Mr. Halpert,” A tall man in a white coat came in holding a piece of paper. “I’m filling out the birth certificate and was wondering if you had a name for her yet.”

“Uh, yeah,” Jim looked down at his daughter and smiled. “I want her full name to be Eleanor Pamela Halpert.”

Pam’s breath caught in her throat. When they had discussed baby names she had mentioned the name Eleanor. Jim had rolled his eyes and said he would think about it when the baby was born.

“You look just like your mommy Ellie,” Jim whispered, gently bouncing her. “God you’re beautiful.”

Heaven was not anything like Pam had expected. She was going off of paintings of a cloud kingdom where winged people in white robes lived peacefully.

Instead, she lived in this old farmhouse that looked out over fields of wheat. According to Julia, it was exactly like the one she had lived in as a little girl. She had to admit that it was peaceful but after a day, Pam was bored out of her mind.

“So, this is the afterlife?” She asked. “Sitting in a farmhouse?”

“Oh no,” Julia laughed, putting down her knitting. “You can choose heaven to be whatever you want it to be. I just loved this house so much. Sometimes other people come by to visit and eventually, you move on to your own paradise.”

“Oh,” Pam turned to her tea and sighed. “Can I go see Jim?”

“I suppose,” Julia nodded, not looking up from her knitting. Pam stood and after putting the teacup in the kitchen, walked to the front door. She thought of her husband and opened the door, stepping into the blinding light.

She suddenly felt soft grass under her feet and sunlight on her face. Wherever Jim was, he was outside.

When her vision came back to her she instantly realized where she was. An icy feeling overwhelmed her when she saw that gravestones surrounded her.

A small crowd was at the other end of the cemetery and she froze when she noticed several people from the office standing in the crowd. Pam stepped around several people when she saw the casket.

It was a beautiful cherry wood, covered in flowers but what really amazed her was the collection of her paintings that surrounded the casket. The preacher continued to speak and she scanned the crowd, finally seeing who she was looking for.

Jim was sitting in the front row, twisting his wedding ring on his finger. He was staring intently at the painting in front of him, eyes red-rimmed.

“Oh Jim,” Pam breathed, kneeling down next to his chair. She tried to reach out and touch his hand and let out a soft sob when it just passed through. A sudden rush of air made her realize that someone was standing where she was.

Pete kneeled down next to his brother and wrapped an arm around his shoulder and hugged him slightly. Usually, whenever the Halpert brothers showed affection it was one bringing the other into a rough hug while the other struggled away. Now, Jim allowed himself to almost collapse into his brother’s side.

The pure sorrow and grief radiating from Jim’s eyes made her quickly glance away. She tried to rest her hand on his other shoulder but it went unnoticed.

“I’m right here,” She whispered, but his red-rimmed eyes were locked on her casket. “Please Jim, see me.”

Pam was not sure if it was proper funeral etiquette to stay for your own burial but could not bring herself to leave. When the coffin began to lower itself into the ground, tears slowly trailed down Jim’s face.

“God,” He let out the softest groan, leaning further into his brother who tightened his grip.

The funeral party continued into a reception hall, speaking softly about the ‘lovely ceremony’.

“I’ve heard that he may not keep the baby,” A young woman who Pam did not recognize whispered. “Apparently, he refuses to look at her or take care of her. He’s a complete wreck.”

“Are you serious?” Michael whispered back loudly from where he was standing behind the woman. “Jim is giving up the baby?”

The older man did not even wait for the reply as he stomped over to Jim who was nodding mechanically at whatever an elderly man was saying.

“What the hell man?” Michael said loudly, getting several stares. “You’re giving up the baby?”

“Excuse me?” Jim said, the soft defeated tone still there. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You heard me,” Michael seemed close to hysterics, voice cracking. “People are talking about how you’re going to give up Eleanor.”

“Listen,” Jim’s face hardened and his eyes flashed. “Ellie is all I have left. I would never give her up. For once, think before you talk and don’t spout off whatever goes into your tiny brain.”

Jim turned on his heel and quickly walked away, trying to ignore the sudden silence and blank face of Michael Scott. He continued through the reception hall and walked through the doors until he got to the outside patio.

The salesman sunk down onto a bench and allowed his head to fall into his hands. He let out a long, harsh sigh and rubbed at the back of his head.

“Jim?” Larissa Halpert called as she stepped outside, smoothing out her black dress. “Are you alright dear?”

“No,” Jim shook his head. “I’m not. Could you please leave? I really want to be alone right now.”

“Okay,” Larissa’s green eyes filled with tears. “Do you want to feed Ellie? She needs to eat and I don’t mind doing it but I thought you would want to.”

That was when Jim noticed that she was pushing a stroller with one hand and holding a baby bag in the other. Ellie was dressed in a black dress with white lace trim and had a pink bow in her hair.

“I’ll do it,” He gently pulled the baby out of her stroller and straightened her clothes. “Thanks mom.”

“Call if you need anything,” She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. She squeezed her youngest’s shoulder before going back inside.

Jim quickly reached into the baby bag and pulled out a bottle, feeding the hungry baby. Ellie drank from the bottle deeply, squirming only slightly.

“She’s gorgeous,” Pam whispered gently, reaching out and touching the baby’s cheek, thrilled at actually touching a human being. The baby jerked and in return spat milk all over Jim.

“Oh,” Jim jumped slightly, grabbing at the cloth in the bag, wiping the milk off himself and the sniffling baby. “So, now we know to lay down the cloth when we eat. See Ellie, I’m getting this.”

He tickled the baby’s chin, which stopped quivering, and she continued to drink. For the first time that day, a small smile spread across Jim’s face and he stared adoringly down at the little girl.

Pam slowly stretched out her hand and stroked her child’s tiny fingers. Ellie gripped her fingers tightly and stared at Pam.

Jim’s soft smile slid off his face and he stared curiously at the tiny fist forming around air. He gently reached down and squeezed the baby’s hand. Pam watched as Jim’s fingers slid right through hers and she moved away.

Pam stared intently at her husband’s face. He looked completely exhausted, dark circles under his eyes standing out against pale skin. She reached a shaky hand up to his cheek and let out a sigh when it passed through again.

“Please Jim,” She whispered, knowing he could not hear her. “Smile, be happy. I can’t stand to see you so upset.”

Ellie instantly reacted to her mother’s voice, waving her tiny fists. Jim gently bounced the baby and rubbed her back.

“Yeah, I’ll get this, don’t worry,” He mumbled, kissing her forehead. “I’ll get this eventually.”

Pam felt almost as if she was interrupting a private moment and stepped back. Giving her husband one last look she allowed the bright light to consume her and found herself opening the door to the farmhouse.

“It’s always sunny,” Pam said, looking over at Julia who was kitting in a large easy chair. Julia glanced up to see her granddaughter with paint smeared across her cheek. Pam had been painting for a long time and was close to finishing a brilliant landscape.

“I love sunny weather,” Julia sighed, staring out the window. “Time moves differently here than on Earth. Years can pass there where it only feels like a few days here.”

“Really?” Pam raised her eyebrows in surprise and dipped her paintbrush in the most vibrant green color she had ever seen. “I might go visit them again.”

“This is not healthy,” Julia announced, putting her knitting down. “When I left Earth I continued going down to see my family and friends but I was just torturing myself. There is a reason we need to move on dear.”

“Just a few more times,” Pam whispered, knowing it was a lie. She went down to Earth as often as she could, often staying for days. The mundane things of life suddenly became everything to her, from Jim buttoning up his work clothes to Ellie sleeping. She had sobbed to herself when Ellie had smiled at Jim for the first time.

Before Julia could say anything, Pam crossed to the front door and the next thing she knew she was in their home.

Pam walked through the halls, hands tracing the paneling until she hit the creepy clown painting. A soft smile spread across her face and she traced a finger through the dust, not leaving a mark.

“Hey mom,” She heard Jim’s voice from the kitchen. “No, I’m fine. I’m actually making dinner. Some kind of pasta thing on the back of the box, looked good and more importantly easy.”

Pam stepped through the door to the kitchen and grinned at the sight of Jim, still in work clothes stirring at something in a large frying pan.

“She’s great, Ellie said her first word,” Jim smiled and Pam felt her heart jump into her throat at the small happy expression. “Yeah, she said ‘da’ which I’m assuming means daddy or she’s suddenly a gangster baby.”

Pam felt a giggle slip past her lips and with one more glance at her husband she moved into her daughter’s room. The walls were the same soft pink she had painted just months before her death and the crib had flowers hand painted on it.

“Hi darling,” She whispered, grinning as the baby opened her eyes Jim’s eyes. “I missed you.”

Pam rested her hand on Ellie’s forehead and smiled when she felt the warmth spread through her fingers. Ellie smiled brightly, her smile and stared up at her mother.

“I hear that you said your first word,” She cooed, tickling Ellie’s feet and listening to the baby shriek with laughter. “Can you try to say mommy?”

Ellie bounced lightly and let out another squeal of laugher. Pam turned her head towards the door when she heard heavy footsteps in the hall.

“Hey Ellie,” Jim grinned at his daughter. “What are you laughing at silly girl?”

Pam stepped back, watching as Jim picked up their daughter gently. Her heart constricted and she glanced to the right, freezing in shock.

A silver door with gold trim stood against the wall where she had painted pink flowers. A tall man with clear blue eyes and short black hair stood, smiling.

“Who are you?” Pam asked, jumping in surprise.

“My name is Owen Platt,” The man said, voice smooth. “And this is the door to your own heaven. I am here to help you move on.”

“I don’t want to,” Pam whispered, moving behind her husband who was oblivious to their presence. Ellie had fallen silent and was staring at the man. “Please let me stay.”

“I cannot force you to go Pam, but there is nothing left for you to do here,” Owen said with a small smile. “You can move onto your own paradise, and soon they might come to you.”

“Nothing left for me to do?” Pam almost shrieked, making Ellie wince and cry again. “I have left my newborn daughter with my husband, I can’t leave them! I can’t wait until my daughter’s life is over before I see her again.”

“But how long will she be able to see you?” Owen asked softly, earning a shocked stare. Pam spun around on her heel and dashed through the house to the front door, jumping out and landing on her knees in the farmhouse. She glanced back, breath shaky and tears slipping down her cheeks.

Ellie brushed at her doll’s hair and blew her bangs off her forehead. Her curly brown hair fell into her face as she intently tried to pull the hair back into a ponytail, missing a few strands.

A sudden warm presence surprised her and the four year old whipped her head around, grinning up at her mother.

Pam’s equally curly hair fell perfectly around her shoulders, framing her smiling face. She was dressed in a light pink dress that fell to the knee like always and sunk down to the floor next to her daughter.

“How was school today?” Pam asked softly, pulling Ellie’s hair away from her face. “What did you learn?”

Pam knew how much her daughter adored preschool, the refrigerator that was completely covered in her artwork. She also knew how long Jim had researched local schools and programs, all during an incredibly difficult time at work.

“Ellie,” Jim’s deeper voice scared both of them, causing them to jump. “Who are you talking to?”

“Daddy!” Ellie’s face lit up. “I was talking to mommy.”

Jim’s eyebrows shot up almost into his hairline and the atmosphere instantly changed in that moment. He shifted uncomfortably in his work shoes and ran a hand through his hair.

“Sweetheart,” Jim muttered, sinking down on the floor next to his daughter. Pam covered her mouth with her hand and stared at him with wide eyes. “We’ve had this conversation, mommy isn’t here anymore.”

“Yes she is,” Ellie argued back. “I see her! She’s wearing a pink dress!”

Jim closed his eyes with a deep sigh and rubbed his forehead. On his bedside table, besides the wedding picture was a picture of him and Pam dancing at the Café Disco, grinning and pressing their foreheads together.

“Ellie, that’s the dress from the picture on my table,” He said, feeling his throat tighten.

“But,” Ellie started arguing but was interrupted by Jim’s intense gaze and the hand he had held up to stop her.

“Eleanor Pamela Halpert, I don’t want to hear you talking like that,” He said, voice tight and hard. “Now please pick up your toys and come get dinner.”

He spun on his heel and walked quickly out of the room, shoulders stiff. Ellie’s lower lip wobbled and tears sprung to her eyes as she clutched her Barbie tightly in her fist.

“Oh sweetheart,” Pam whispered, pulling the upset girl into a soft hug.

“Daddy is being mean,” Ellie sobbed out softly, shoulders shaking.

“Your daddy is very sad Ellie, since he is so sad he yells. He loves you so much and would never be mean,” Pam kissed her forehead.

“But I was talking to you,” Ellie pulled back, green eyes still sparkling with tears.

“Remember what I told you? I was very, very sick and my body stopped working, but my spirit is here. I’m here with you. Your daddy can’t see me because he is so sad,” Pam was not sure how much the four year old would understand but Ellie’s nod made her smile. “Now put up your toys so you can eat.”

Ellie nodded, wiping her eyes on her pink sleeves and put her Barbies away in a large bin. She then padded softly into the kitchen where Jim was piling macaroni and cheese, sausage, and green beans onto two plates.

The little girl suddenly wrapped her arms around her father’s legs and squeezed.

“Don’t be sad daddy,” She said, staring up at Jim with wide, green eyes.

“I’m not sad,” He said back, voice slightly choked. “Let’s eat dinner and then we can watch a movie okay?”

“Okay!” Ellie beamed up at her father and then turned to smile at her mother.

After a quick dinner and movie, Jim carried a sleepy Ellie up to her room and kissed her goodnight before going into his bedroom.

Pam wandered around their room, marveling how it had not changed at all in four years. A small frown appeared on her face when she saw that the well-read copy of her novel she read before bed, her glasses, and even the drinking glass was still on her bedside table, a layer of dust over everything.

Jim ran a hand through his already messy hair and sat down on his side of the bed heavily. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, staring at their engagement picture.

“Okay, here I go,” He muttered so softly that Pam had to strain to hear him. “I’m not a religious man, never really have been, but I need to talk to someone. I can’t bear the thought that she is gone, like really gone, forever.”

Pam crossed the room to stand in front of her husband, sinking down until she was eye level.

“I don’t know who to talk to or what to do but nothing helps. Everyone is treating me like I’m made of glass and part of me knows I need to move on but I can’t,” Jim closed his eyes tightly, completely unaware of the tear-filled eyes of his wife’s inches from his own.

“I see her everywhere and even after four years I still can’t bring myself to clean off her bedside table, or empty her dresser, or even go near her studio in the garage because even thinking about it makes me cry like a girl,” He let out a short humorless chuckle, which quickly evolved into a sob.

“God, we were going to raise a child together and grow old together,” He placed both hands over his mouth for a moment and let out a long breath, eyes glistening with tears. “I don’t know if I can do this. It’s just unfair that she was the perfect mother and was so excited. I love Ellie with all my heart, but I would give anything to bring her back even trade places. I just wish I had been the one to die and give her the chance to be the amazing mom she would have been.”

“God, Jim,” Pam whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks.

“This is stupid,” Jim muttered, swiping his fingers across his cheeks. “I just feel like half of me is gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever be like what I was from before, and Ellie doesn’t deserve a father who after four years still can’t eat grilled cheese without getting all teary.”

He let out a heavy breath and dropped his hands in his lap.

“I feel like nothing will ever be the same,” He whispered to himself, closing his eyes.

Pam stared at her husband for a few moments before leaning into him, pausing a fraction of an inch before meeting his lips.

Opening her eyes she saw Jim’s green eyes staring directly into hers. Pam leapt back with a gasp, almost tripping over her own feet.

Jim looked around the room, confused and raised a hand to touch his lips.

The wheat bent slightly backwards under her hands, creating a wave of gold. Looking up, the sky was a brilliant, swirling mixture of blue, soft greens, pinks, and yellows.

Pam wandered through the wheat field outside the farmhouse, feeling it catch on her white sundress and pull at her hair. She had been walking for what felt like hours and still had not reached the end of the field.

In short, Pam was incredibly bored.

She had tried to avoid going back to Earth for as long as possible, giving Jim and Ellie some space. Jim had been incredibly stressed from problems at work and getting Ellie ready for kindergarten and had completely forgotten the almost kiss they shared.

Unable to even admit it to herself, she was almost waiting for the door to her own heaven. Every time she went to Earth she was met with a daughter that was becoming upset that only she could see her mother and a husband who was so blinded by grief that he was almost blind to everything else.

Of course, Owen was nowhere to be found.

Suddenly, the soft, earthy ground turned into shag carpeting. A small smile spread across her face when she opened her eyes and saw the absolutely horrible red shag carpeting in their living room.

Instantly, she could see Jim sitting on the floor next to Ellie. The little girl, now five, glanced up from her Curious George book and smiled at her mother. Jim slowly spoke the word, thinking her silence was confusion, and Pam smiled.

Ellie’s curly brown hair now reached the middle of her back and was held back by a pink headband. She was dressed in jeans and a lime green t-shirt with her elementary school’s name across it.

“Daddy,” She said suddenly. “Can we have macaroni and cheese for lunch?”

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Jim nodded, smiling warmly at his daughter. “I’ll go get the water started.”

He stood, slightly stiffly, and went into the kitchen. Pam could not help but notice the light glinting off of the silver hair at his temples while hers remained the same reddish-brown curls.

“Mommy!” Ellie ran to hug her mother as soon as Jim stepped out of the room. “I’ve missed you!”

“I missed you too,” Pam hugged Ellie tightly, wondering how she could ever consider moving on when Ellie was here. “God I missed you so much.”

Nothing had changed in the house since she died. They had decided to renovate the rooms after the baby was born so that Pam would not have to be around the construction while pregnant.

“ So then Mr. Scott gave me all his old books and now Mrs. Love says I’m the best reader in the class.”

“I’m so proud of you!” Pam grinned at the obviously happy girl. “I knew you were smart!

A sharp knock on the front door followed by several pressings of the doorbell made both Pam and Ellie jump. Jim quickly passed through the hallway, wiping his hands on his jeans and shooting a quick smile at Ellie.

“Hey Jimmy!” She heard Tom’s voice shout loudly, accompanied by the sound of the older man slap his brother loudly on the shoulder. “How’s it going?”

“Not so bad,” Jim shoved Tom back and grinned slightly.

“Ellie!” Tom walked straight through Pam and scooped up his niece, spinning her around. “You look more and more beautiful every time I see you!”

“Thank you Uncle Tom,” Ellie giggled and squirmed until she was put down.

Jim smiled faintly and went back in the kitchen, followed by Tom. The sounds of light conversation met her ears as Ellie quickly went back to her books and sat contently on the horrid carpet.

“I’ll be right back,” Pam whispered to her daughter, running her hand through her hair.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped through the wall and ended up in the kitchen. Tom was leaning against the refrigerator and Jim was adding elbow macaroni to the pot boiling on the stove.

“What are your plans this weekend?” Tom asked, stealing a beer from the fridge. “Anything wild or crazy?”

“Oh yeah, I’m planning on taking Ellie to buy new tennis shoes and then I found out that she is out of pencils and will only take purple glitter pencils to school or else she will look dumb,” Jim smiled, stirring the macaroni.

“And God forbid she uses normal pencils,” Tom laughed and his brother simply shrugged.

“What about you? Doing anything fun with Jenny?” Jim put salt in the pot and leaned against the pot.

“We’re getting a babysitter and grabbing some dinner. She has a friend from work, Leslie, who is super cute. We were wondering if you wanted to join us, get yourself back in the game.” Tom raised his eyebrows.

“Tom,” Jim glared warningly. “I’m not going to go on a date.”

Pam felt her heart clench and her eyes widened. She felt herself grow weak in the knees and had to sink into the wooden chairs she had helped pick out for their kitchen table.

A date.

With another woman.

Jim with another woman.

And suddenly it was like Karen all over again.

They had never talked about what they wanted to do after the other had died, believing they still had time. Pam wanted to believe that she could tell him to move on, be happy with someone else, but she felt ill at the thought.

Those months when Karen would touch him, hug him, kiss him, and make him laugh were the worst of her life. She could not do it again and did not want to leave for her own heaven because of jealousy.

“Come on Jim, it’s been five years,” Tom crossed his arms. “Pam is gone and you can’t just continue living your life in this fog you’ve been in.”

“Five years? Five years?” Jim’s eyes hardened. “Yes Tom, it’s been five years since my wife died. Five years since the mother of my child passed away. I am not about to run off with another woman.”

“Run off? I’m not talking about marriage, I’m talking about a date,” Tom straightened his back slightly. “This isn’t healthy Jim.”

“Thanks Tom, I’m glad you’re here to let me know exactly the length of time I need to move on. Tell me, how much longer until Ellie can start calling her mommy? And please let me know the exact time and date, that would be much more helpful,” Jim snapped back, accidentally grabbing the pot with his bare hands.

“Jesus Jim,” Tom grabbed his younger brother’s hand and quickly running it under the cold-water tap. “Calm down, that’s not what I meant.”

“Sorry,” Jim hissed from pain and slowly flexed his reddening fingers. “I’ve just been really stressed and don’t think I don’t know that mom made you come and ask me. I’d rather people not tell me that they know best for me.”

“No, I’m sorry. You’ve just been so withdrawn for years, years Jim. It’s like you became an entirely new person when Pam died and it’s scaring us. You need to get some help, see a therapist or something.”

“I’m not going to go to a therapist,” Jim mumbled, wiping his hand off.

“Ellie doesn’t deserve a father who is more obsessed with his grief than her,” Tom spoke softly, looking away from Jim’s sudden hurt look.

“I am not obsessed with grief, and I love Ellie more than anything in the world,” Jim muttered, passing straight through Pam to open the fridge and pull out some milk.

“Please talk to someone Jim,” Tom grabbed his brother’s shoulders. “I have the number to a grief counselor, just promise you’ll call.”

Jim took the scrap of paper and sighed, placing on the counter.

“I’ll think about it,” Jim mumbled and quickly piled dinner on plates, carrying them into the living room. Tom sighed heavily and followed him, grinning at Ellie.

Pam stared at the strip of paper and rubbed the back of her neck. It was a good idea, talking to someone. She knew Jim was trying to put a brave face on for Ellie and their friends and family but he needed to talk to someone.

She tried to pick up the paper but her hand simply passed through it. Pam glared at it and concentrated intensely, trying to pick up the paper and jumping when it moved slightly.

A wide grin on her face, she concentrated until she could pick up the paper and carried it into their bedroom, laying it on the table next to the phone. Exhaustion overwhelmed her and she felt herself going to heaven with a flash of light.

~*~

Jim closed his bedroom door behind him and changed into his flannel pajama pants. He fell onto his bed and groaned as he sunk into the pillows.

A fluttering piece of paper surprised him and he snatched it out of the air. It was the number for the grief counselor.

Sitting up in bed, Jim frowned at the slip of paper. He stared at the numbers for a long time before slowly picking up the phone and dialing.

Sitting of the edge of the bed, Pam smiled as Jim made the appointment.

~*~

It became extremely apparent why he had avoided going in for counseling as soon as he stepped into the office.

The walls were painted in soothing earth tones with pale blue butterflies stenciled on them. The couches were huge and overstuffed, a teary woman with mascara trailing down her cheeks sniffed on the edge of one of the cushions.

“Hi,” Jim smiled uncomfortably at the receptionist. “I have an appointment with Carolyn Roberts.”

“Ah yes! Here you are!” She smiled cheerfully and pulled out a clipboard and a small pile of paperwork. “If you would fill these out, I’ll let Dr. Roberts know you’re here.”

“Awesome,” Jim mumbled as he took the pen from her. He took a seat as far away from the teary woman as possible.

Pam sat down next to him on the couch and watched as he filled out the general demographic information. When he got to the portion where he had to mark down why he was there his pen hovered over circling ‘Loss of a Loved One’.

“It’s okay,” Pam whispered as he shakily wrote ‘wife’ in the blank.

“Mr. Halpert?” A middle-aged woman smiled warmly at him. “I’m Dr. Carolyn Roberts, would you like to come into the back room.”

“Yeah sure,” He handed her the clipboard and followed her into another room, decorated similarly to the first one.

“I’m really sorry about the cheesy decorating. You’re lucky, they used to make up play the sounds of the ocean constantly,” She gave him a bright smile and motioned at the stuffed couch. “Take a seat, let’s talk.”

“Alright,” Jim sat down quickly, fidgeting.

“Mr. Halpert, I know that this step is uncomfortable and must feel awkward but believe me, you’re not alone in your feelings,” Carolyn took a seat across from him and pulled out a clipboard.

“I know,” He smiled slightly. “Please call me Jim.”

“Alright Jim,” She looked through his paperwork. “Tell me why you’re here.”

“Isn’t that all in my paperwork?” Jim asked, feeling slightly annoyed and thinking that he was wasting his time.

“I would like to hear you talk about it Jim,” She leaned forward, quickly scribbling something down on his chart.

“Fine,” Jim stared at his hand, twisting his wedding ring. “My wife and I were expecting our first child and something went wrong in the delivery. The baby was fine but my wife died from blood loss.”

“I’m very sorry for your loss,” Carolyn spoke softly. “What was her name?”

“Pam, her name is Pam,” Jim said quickly, continuing to stare at his ring. Pam let her hand hover over his and stared at him.

“Jim, let her help you,” She whispered into his ear. Jim turned his head slightly towards her voice and sighed.

“How did you two meet?” Carolyn asked.

“It’s actually a really long story,” He smiled faintly. “At the time I had just started as a salesman at Dunder-Mifflin and she was the receptionist. Pam was by far the most beautiful person I had ever met. She was smart, funny, and sweet and also, unfortunately for me, she was engaged at the time…”