Trading your secrets

Trade your secrets and become who you are. Frank Warren, PostSecret, 09-06-08  

The odds against it were astronomical. 

Yes, Kelly sometimes got faxes. Most people called or e-mailed, but every once in a while, someone with a complaint sent a fax. And yes, when a fax came in for Kelly, Pam would sometimes walk it back to the annex for her. Certainly not always, but sometimes. And sometimes Michael broke his own rule about ignoring Toby’s presence and actually spoke to the man. Once or twice a year, Michael could even be seen back at Toby’s desk for one reason or another. But for all of those things to happen at that moment? The odds against it were ridiculous.   

“Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?”

“He seems fine to me.”

“You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?” 

Pam and Kelly froze, each still holding on to one end of the fax. Pam could feel the blood rush to her face as Kelly’s eyebrows sprang upward. “Pam?” Kelly asked Michael, wonder and glee mingled in her voice.  

Michael looked around in horror. “I- No. Of course not. I mean, what? Who? Jim? No, of – not Pam,” he babbled, panic robbing him of what little coherence he normally possessed.  

“OK,” Pam said blankly. She was vaguely aware of Kelly pulling the fax out of her hands while simultaneously pressing Michael for details in an exaggerated whisper.

Pam turned and walked quickly back to the reception desk.  Pam knew, even in her shock, that within seconds Kelly would be flying around the office to spread the juicy gossip. Taking shelter behind the tall reception desk, she already regretted walking away. She should have done some damage control. She should have said something. She could have helped Michael with an explanation, an excuse, a…  “A lie,” she thought to herself suddenly. “You should have helped Michael come up with a lie, because he was telling Toby the truth.”

She was suddenly aware that her hands were shaking.  

He is in love with a girl he works with who’s engaged.  

Jim Halpert was in love with her.

Chapter 2

OK, maybe not “in love” with her. Pam mentally backpedaled from the thought as quickly as she could. After all, the source of her information was Michael Scott. “And you how Michael gets.”  However, Michael had certainly sounded sincere, and Jim had consented to an off-site lunch with him - so something was up.  

And anyway, it felt sort of true. 

Pam pretended not to watch as Kelly pretended to be discreet about telling every person in the office. More than once, Pam looked up to see someone quickly looking away. Phyllis smiled sympathetically, Kevin leered, and Angela just frowned. (Despite her inner turmoil, Pam mentally noted that Angela was actually exhibiting a previously-unsuspected level of disapproval. It was the sort of thing she would have told Jim about, if he wasn’t in love with her. Which he wasn’t. Probably.)  

Pam played game after game of solitaire, distracting her eyes and her hands while her mind whirled. “We’re friends. We’re friends. If he…has feelings…then it ruins everything, because you can’t be friends with someone who…has feelings. But I can’t not be friends with Jim! I need Jim. He’s my best friend. He’s my best friend even if he is…I mean, if he does…”  

The whispers and sideways looks continued. Michael had shut himself up in his office to avoid her- or maybe to avoid Jim, whose secret he’d told, even if Michael had the secret all wrong, which she kept telling herself was the most likely scenario. Finally, Pam grabbed a stack of old memos and turned around to file them. It was unnecessary busy work, but at least she could keep her back to the rest of the office.  

It didn’t really help. Pam could still hear her name in low voices. Worse, she could hear every move Jim made at his desk: the tapping of his long fingers against his keyboard, the slight swish-swish as he restlessly twisted his chair back and forth, even the tiny vocalization he made when he cleared his throat. She heard his distinct stride as he walked away from his desk, and suddenly she wondered if it was weird that she had his sounds memorized.  

“What if he is in love with me?” She made herself complete the thought, despite the scorching heat it brought to her face. “What if the harmless flirting we do is really… flirting?  What if he really thinks of me that way?” A small smile started to play on her lips. She and Jim were just friends, of course, but he was handsome and funny and tall. She’d often privately thought that he’d be a wonderful boyfriend. The thought had crossed her mind that he’d be a good husband, and father. She’d wondered, in passing, if he was a good kisser (she’d firmly stopped herself from wondering anything beyond that). He was so great. He couldn’t really be interested in her, could he? 

Suddenly, a wave of guilt hit her; Pam gripped the stack of files on her lap to stay steady. She shouldn’t even be considering this! She was engaged! She and Roy were going to finally get married and everything would be… 

“Exactly the same.” Pam wondered wildly when her brain had developed a mind of its own. It was the word “finally” that had tripped her up. They’d been together for years. They’d been engaged for years. Roy hadn’t really changed in any significant way since he’d gotten his first job after high school, and he didn’t particularly want her to change, either. No big dreams, no adventures, no romance, no extravagance. She could live without those things. She’d been doing without them for years. That was her life with Roy. Nothing was going to change.   

“But what if…” 

Jim was still away from his desk when Pam turned back around. She thought he had headed for the restroom; now was as good a time as any to try to get something to drink without having to talk to him.

 It was a good effort, but he caught her in the break room. He was smiling, sort of, but there was something in his eyes that she’d seen before.  

“Hey,” he said. 

Pam smiled nervously. “Hey,” she answered. 

“He’s lying”, Pam’s brain said, which didn’t make any sense because all Jim had said was “Hey,” which wasn’t really something you could lie about. She looked at him more closely. 

“Hey, oh, listen, um, Kelly told me you overheard Michael say…I didn’t want you to think. Um, yeah, so, I told Michael on the booze cruise… It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when I first started here.”  

An old crush. Yes, that made more sense. That’s exactly the sort of thing Michael would over-inflate.  “That’s also exactly what Jim would tell me if he didn’t want to rock the boat.” 

“Oh,” was all Pam could manage to force out.  

Jim was smiling, embarrassed, trying to downplay his embarrassment. “Well I thought that, I mean… you know how Michael gets.” 

Yes. Yes, she did. That made sense. “Right.” 

Jim looked marginally relieved. “So, regardless of what he said…seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean…” 

“OK.” Pam knew what Jim needed- for her to act surprised, tease him a little, maybe even acknowledge that she had suspected way back then. They’d laugh, she’d go back to her desk, and they’d go back to their friendship. “But he’s lying,” her brain insisted.  

And just like that, she couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to bail him out, make things easier. If he was telling the truth, it would all sort itself out without her help. If he wasn’t…She gave him a half smile and walked back to her desk. In her mind, she could picture his face: unsure, expectant, and a little panicked, as he always was when their banter crossed the line into flirtation. That expression was suddenly starting to make a whole lot more sense to her.

Chapter 3

The rest of the afternoon passed very slowly and quietly. Jim was working diligently, not sparing her a glance or sending her any emails. That, in itself, was enough to tell her that something strange was going on. But was it enough to confirm that he was lying about his “crush” being a thing of the past? 

The turmoil in Pam’s brain contrasted with the hush in the office. “Maybe Jim is in love with me.” The thought felt strange in her brain, like it filled up a space that had been empty for a long time. Again, she felt the panic rising. This could change everything. What about Roy? What about their wedding? She’d started making deposits after they’d set the date. Could she walk away from that? The thought brought her a sinking feeling of dismay. What if she lost Jim? That thought made her nearly weep.

“I’m engaged. I’m getting married. I’m marrying Roy. What am I even doing thinking about this?” But she did think about it, as the afternoon stretched endlessly on. She thought about every fluttering feeling she’d ever had when Jim walked into a room, looked into her eyes, or touched her lightly in passing. When had she last felt flutters for Roy? She thought about long talks in the break room, and even longer email chains, hours spent just learning each other. She knew Roy from their years together, but had they ever really talked? She thought about how Jim made her laugh, and tried to remember the last time she and Roy had really, honestly, laughed. 

Jim didn’t look up at her one time through the long afternoon. She couldn’t decide if this was a good thing or not. It certainly didn’t give her any clues about his feelings. Usually he looked at her dozens, maybe hundreds, of times each day. “Yes, he does. And that means…?” What did it mean? That he enjoyed sharing jokes with her, certainly. That they felt the same way about the insanity and inanity around them on a daily basis, of course. That it made him happy to look at her? That he couldn’t tear his eyes away? When was the last time she’d caught Roy looking at her when she wasn’t paying attention? How had she felt about it? She caught Jim all the time. It always made her blush.   

Pam thought about Roy and she thought about Jim, and she knew it was unfair to compare them but they were her only reference points when thinking about love. She pushed that thought away, before she had to ponder the implications.  

The afternoon continued very quietly; Michael stayed in his office, the phone only rang two or three times, and Dwight didn’t find any security breeches in his afternoon tour of the “perimeter.” In the near-silence, Pam was left alone with her thoughts for over two hours. She was getting more confused by the minute.

It was nearly quitting time when Pam had to go into Michael’s office to get a few forms signed. He tried to talk to her “about you and Jim,” but she cut him off. Just because Jim had made the delusional decision to discuss his feelings with Michael was no reason she had to. 

“My feelings? But what are my feelings? My feelings about what? About my best friend maybe being in love with me while I’m engaged to someone else? Yeah, what are my feelings about that? What if he is?”  

Pam’s fingers stilled against the keyboard. “What if he’s not?”  

The minutes trudged along until 5:00, accompanied by the ticking of the office clock and her persistent, repetitive thought, “What if he is? What if he is?” When it was finally time to go, Jim arose from his desk and grabbed his things as usual.  With the distinct air of someone pretending everything is OK, Jim escorted her to the elevator. The silence was not the comfortable, tired silence they often shared at the end of a long work day. It was full and tense. They reached ground level without a word and without eye contact, like strangers. Pam thought she might scream. 

Jim took the few steps to the front door ahead of her, as usual, so he could open the door for her. The air was cool outside, and Pam took a full, bracing breath. Daring to look at Jim, she found that he was looking directly at her for the first time all afternoon. 

"Well, have a good night,” he said formally. 

This awkwardness between them was going to kill her. Suddenly, it felt really important not to let him leave. “Hey…can I talk to you for a second?”

Jim swallowed and averted his eyes for a moment. Smiling uncomfortably, he finally said, “OK.” 

“I was just…” Pam wasn’t sure what she was going to say. She was very surprised when she continued, “Are you in love with me?” 

Jim went very still, his insincere smile slowly fading. “What?” 

In confusion, Pam started talking quickly. “I’m really sorry if that’s weird for me to ask like that, but I just need to know. It’s really awful timing, I know that, I just…” 

“What are you doing?” Jim cut her off. He looked like he was in physical pain. “How do you want me to answer that?”

 “I just need you to tell me the truth.” 

Jim dropped his eyes, his voice so low she could barely hear him when he said, “I can’t.”

 “Why?” Pam asked, struggling to resist the urge to touch him. His shoulders were stooped, his hands shoved into his pockets. 

“God, Pam. You have no idea what your friendship means to me.” He looked up briefly and looked down again. 

This was getting them nowhere. “Don’t do that,” Pam whispered. “I don’t want to talk about our friendship. I need to know if you want to be more than that.” 

“Pam, I told you, Michael misinterpreted…I mean, it’s probably my fault, but…” Jim looked panicked now.  

The look on Jim’s face, of fear and confusion, brought Pam a moment of clarity. She could see that Jim thought she wanted him to say he didn’t love her. He thought she was looking for a denial so that they could go back to being just friends.  As he paused, helplessly, Pam could read his eyes better than she ever had before.  She knew, as surely as if he’d told her, that he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her again but was terrified that, if he confessed, he’d lose her entirely. 

And she suddenly knew that she didn’t want him to lie anymore.   

“Listen, Jim,” she said softly. She moved forward tentatively, trying to figure out what to say next to convince him that he could tell her the truth. Her brain, which had been whispering messages from her heart all day, abandoned her. She was left with just her feelings, which in the last thirty seconds had become startlingly clear. Moving her hands slowly around his neck, she closed the distance between them and tilted her head back to kiss him.

Jim remained utterly still and tense as her lips touched his. She pressed herself against him gently, and suddenly he relaxed, kissing her back softly at first, then fully and deeply and more perfectly than she'd ever been kissed before. The soft sigh that escaped from him may have been the word, “yes.” 

He is in love with me.