It had been a rough day for Pam.

Not ‘I’ve sorta started seeing someone’ rough. This was different. She’d driven home that night in a daze of disappointment and rejection and stared at the wall of her apartment for hours, dry-eyed and numb with shock. She still wasn’t sure how she’d made it to work the next day after hearing that. But if she was good at anything, it was masking her true feelings, and so the mask had taken its place.

It wasn’t Macanudos and Rainbow Connection rough, either. That day had been the opposite of rough, really. She’d been amazed and just…really touched, that Jim could pull such an effective prank and somehow manage to make her feel so close to him and acknowledged at the same time, even if in a roundabout way.

When Andy had sung her his crazy song she felt like she was being serenaded by Jim directly. She’d gone home beaming.

But that night, she’d felt hollow and empty. If the prank brought home just how closely they knew each other, it also highlighted the massive gulf that was between them now. Sure, Jim knew her intimate likes and dislikes, as any best friend would, but where was he now? Snuggling with his new girlfriend. While she ate macaroni and cheese alone in her apartment. And she was pretty sure they weren’t best friends anymore.

But today…today was bittersweet rough.

There’d been the sting of rejection when Jim had turned down her C.I.A. gift, but then there’d also been the fun of hanging out with Karen and merging the Christmas parties and singing karaoke with everyone. Roy had given her a book on portraiture – probably the most thoughtful thing he’d ever done for her – and Toby had looked so happy when she gave him her company bathrobe (she’d told him she’d found a spare).

The thing was, things just felt so…well, normal. Settled. As though this was how it would be from now on. Jim and Karen were together, and happily so. She was alone.

She’d clearly missed her chance to talk things through with Jim.

And Casino Night? It was ancient history, if his behaviour was anything to go by. If he didn’t even want to do pranks with her now, where did that leave their tenuous friendship? Could she even call it a friendship?

She wasn’t even sure. So despite the Christmas cheer, things had been rough today.

And that’s why she was so mutedly hopeful when Jim paused by her desk on his way out.

“Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to say. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their Langley headquarters for training and an ice cream social with the agents.”

Pam stilled inside for a moment. Then she beamed at him, her face suffused with happiness at his change of heart. If today had been bittersweet, this moment was the very definition of the word.

He returned the smile with as much warmth, actually holding her gaze properly for the first time in what felt like an age.

How to describe Jim’s smile? It felt like it was made for her and her alone. It felt like ice-skating on Michael’s birthday; like ‘hi’ after a day’s silence; like candlelit suppers on rooftops with grilled cheese and fireworks and dancing.

At that moment, looking up at Jim, she felt like things might finally be okay again. Not like they used to be, but…there was hope.

And that’s when she paused. Hope? What was she doing? The man she should be with – her soulmate, even – was about to go celebrate a Christmas evening with his girlfriend. That was hope? She should have been laughing with him about how long it had taken them to get together by now. They should have been spending romantic nights at each other’s places, watching DVDs together, having microwave popcorn and making stupid jokes followed by long, exhilarating conversations about how much they’d wanted to kiss each other over the years. And here she was, gratefully accepting small kindnesses from him like a bird pecking for crumbs. When did it all go so wrong?

Her smile faltered. This was the part where she should continue the banter, perhaps suggest getting a ticket for Dwight’s mission. But she couldn’t, because it just…wasn’t enough. She started to panic as she realised what was happening, but she kept Jim’s gaze as tears welled up.

Not now. Hold it together in front of Jim, for God’s sake.

She forced herself to speak. “So, we could go through the finer details tomorrow? I should get going…”

She turned away to hide the telltale glassiness in her eyes, packing up things on her desk without knowing what she touched.

Jim knocked on the desk. “Absolutely.” He turned his head slightly to the side. “Hey, are you...?”

His voice was filled with wary concern, which it only made it worse.

She kept shifting papers around in front of her, moving stationery from one side of the desk to the other for no reason. She didn’t look up at him. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. So I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

Jim exhaled. “Yeah. All right. You sure you’re…?”

She smiled up at him, red-rimmed, but it didn’t work. Her eyes pleaded with him not to notice, to accept the cover up.

I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore…

A tiny tear trickled down the side of her cheek.

Jim’s face drained of colour. He looked at her, frowning solemnly.

He hesitated for a long moment. Then, dropping his bag, he slowly came round to her side of the desk. After hesitating again for another moment, he knelt down to her level and looked at her.

After months of contenting herself with the back of his neck, Pam felt almost claustrophobic.

“Uh, hey,” he said softly. Hesitantly, like he wasn’t quite sure he should be speaking to her like this. “Listen. I’m sorry for being…a jerk today. It was stupid. I just…”

He looked to the side, and shook his head slightly. “Sorry.”

She looked down, wishing she could hide herself behind a wall of curls. She was the one who felt stupid. One moment of kindness from him, and she breaks? She felt like such a baby. Worst of all, he probably thought she was crying because of the C.I.A. thing, when it was really so much more than that. She wished she could disappear.

But Jim’s nearness – the gentle fall of his breath on the side of her face – was overwhelming. Separated from the rest of the office by the height of the desk, it was the closest they’d been to each other, physically, since that night , and she didn’t want him to move.

Slowly, painfully, she lifted her eyes to meet his. They held each other’s gaze. It was the most frighteningly intimate moment she’d experienced in a long while.

Jim’s eyes were wary. There was guilt and accusation and confusion and hesitance in them, but also something else. A willingness to forgive, she thought. Hoped.

Pam breathed in. It came out slowly in the barest whisper, so low that she could barely hear herself speak.

“I am so sorr–”

“Hey! Are you okay, Pam?” Karen stood looking down at them from behind the reception counter, coat in one hand and a Bridget Jones DVD in the other.

“Jim, what happened? Is she okay?”

He was standing, brushing himself down. She was rubbing her eyes, trying not to look flustered by Karen’s appearance and failing dismally.

Jim cleared his throat. “Oh, yeah. Pam’s just…been upset by someone. I was telling her not to worry about them.”

It was kind of the truth.

“Oh my god, Pam. Did Angela get narky again? I thought we sorted that out. That woman, I swear–”

Pam stood hastily, grabbing her bag. “Oh, no…it was…it’s nothing. It wasn’t her. I’m fine, really.” Her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly puffy. She gave a close-lipped smile, but it came out wrong.

“Pam, you sure? You going to be okay getting home?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Honestly….”

Jim was still standing next to her, blocking her way out. She didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke. “Uh, thanks.”

It sounded painfully inadequate after the moment they’d just shared.

“Yeah. Don’t mention it.” He shifted uncomfortably so she could pass.

“Pam, if you need anything, just let us know. Okay? Jim’s got your number, right?”

“Um, yeah. Thanks. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

She grabbed her coat and hurried out, desperate to get home where she could collapse and forget today had ever happened.

The kindness was just about too much to take. Karen was Jim’s girlfriend. She lived two blocks away from him. They gave each other ironic Christmas presents. What had she been thinking? One sympathetic look from Jim, and she just loses it all together?


* * * * * * *


Jim had an uncomfortable drive home.

He’d been doing so well at moving on with his life. He had an awesome girlfriend, a promotion…after three years of wasting his time, waiting for something that would never happen, things were finally looking up for him. He was moving on.

So why were his thoughts filled with delicate red sweaters, and not the person sitting next to him?

Because you still love her.

He couldn’t deny it, much as he’d tried.

Since he’d returned to Scranton, his first instinct had been to protect himself. To regain some of the dignity he’d lost that ill-fated night when he’d put it all on the line (twice). And if that meant rebuffing Pam – denying her in small ways whenever he could – then so be it. Somehow, that had turned into rejecting her in every single measly way he could come up with, over and over again.

But watching her trying not to break down in front of him, trying to pretend she wasn’t crying in front of him…it was too much. He’d wanted to be cool and detached and distant, but he wasn’t that heartless. Even if his instincts were shouting at him to ignore her, to retreat and preserve the cool distance he’d maintained since Stamford…he still loved her, no matter how much he tried to move on. He couldn’t ignore that.

And so he’d made the approach. And she’d looked at him, and suddenly that wall between them he’d spent so long building had fallen down flat. And now he was confused.

Because something in her eyes – something in her voice – was telling him that actually, he hadn’t misinterpreted anything. That actually, she could.

Pam put her empty wine glass in the sink. The neighbourhood was asleep; only the distant buzzing of a motorbike disturbed the calm. She’d kept herself busy since arriving home, methodically completing small household chores to keep her mind off Jim and Karen and the casino night and the whole sorry mess.

Her plants were all watered. The apartment was sparkling. Nothing remained but to lie down and prepare herself for another day of staring at Jim’s neck, dealing with Michael’s inane babble and wondering what on earth she was doing with her life.

She turned the lights out and lay down in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

She just wished she could have finished what she’d started to say. She knew he was with Karen now, and she accepted that she’d missed her chance, but…she just wished she could let him know – once – that she was sorry.

Because despite the embarrassing breakdown today, she really did feel she was in a better place now. A more mature, honest place.

She could finally acknowledge what she’d so assiduously ignored for the last three years. Jim had been in love with her, and she was kind of in love with him back.

She’d taken advantage of him, happily lapping up his attention as though she were actually entitled to it. Of course, she hadn’t known how strong his feelings were – especially after he’d told her he was over any minor crush he might have had on her. But she was certainly aware of something, consciously or otherwise, and had continued to lead him on with her ‘friendship’ regardless. They’d both been so good at lying to themselves and to each other, buying the ‘best friends’ propaganda, that dancing around the edges of anything real or serious became second nature.

And that’s why his parking lot admission had been so explosive. In five words, he demolished a fiction three years in the making. She simply didn’t have the courage and honesty to deal with such a revelation at the time.

And now that she did – overlooking a few missteps in the parking lot – he was with Karen. Someone she could never rival in the courage and honesty department.

And most other departments, too.

She sighed, tossing and turning a final time. Her head ached like crazy. She wasn’t going to get to sleep with this going round in her head. She needed to get her mind off Jim, and onto the business of sleep.

Five minutes later she was rugged up in a coat and scarf, padding towards the drugstore down the road from her apartment.

Ten minutes later, she was having a minor panic attack as the object of her thoughts suddenly emerged from the brightly-lit store, buried deep in a long winter coat, breath coming out in little bursts of frost.

Right.

He saw her only a moment after she saw him, and stopped. He went very still.

She tried to wipe the pained expression off her face, and smiled.

“Hey.”

He gave her a long look, then a half-smile back. “Hey.”

They were both silent. He looked up at the sky, then back at her.

“Out for your evening drugs?”

She smiled. “Definitely. Gotta get my hit somewhere.”

A dog barked in the distance.

“You too?”

He nodded. “Headache.”

She nodded back at him, and they were silent.

It was awkward. Something had changed between them today, and she wasn’t sure yet if it was good or bad.

He cleared his throat. “So, you okay? After…”

She started nodding again. “Oh yeah, I’m…”

They were both silent again. She racked her mind for something to say.

“Such a cold night out. I don’t have heating in my apartment, either. I’m hoping it’ll warm up soon so I don’t have to borrow one of Dwight’s goat hair quilts.”

He gave a half-grin, but didn’t say anything.

She looked down at her feet, and the silence stretched for a long moment.

Then he spoke.

“Why did you kiss me, Pam?”

She stilled, and looked up at him.

Just like that. They hadn’t had a serious conversation for so long that the question was like a slap in the face.

He held her gaze. “At the Dundies, I mean.”

He wasn’t angry about it, or resentful. They could have been discussing socks.

It wasn’t what she was expecting. She’d come down to the store for paracetamol, and here she was having The Conversation with Jim. Somehow, she’d never imagined it turning out like this.

A lot depended on how she chose to answer.

She wrapped her arms around herself, licked her lips.

“When you started seeing Katy, I…got jealous. Even though we were just friends. And I was with Roy.”

Jim didn’t say anything, just looked at her solemnly, brows furrowed slightly.

She breathed out. “I got so used to hanging out with you, having you all to myself, that…I took your attention for granted, I guess. And then when you told me you were going to date Katy…it was like suddenly I had to remember that we were just friends, and that I had a fiancé.”

She was being as honest as she could, trying to remember her exact thought process. As frightening as it was to be revealing her innermost thoughts and workings to him, now that she’d started, it came tumbling out.

“But when I got really drunk at Chilli’s that night, it was like, suddenly I could forget all that. For just a moment, it was just us two again, hanging out like always. Michael gave me that award for my sneakers and I just…I knew that you’d got him to do that instead of the engagement one.”

She looked for confirmation in Jim’s face, and thought she found it. His eyes didn’t leave her face as she continued.

“I didn’t even realise that I’d kissed you until a couple days later. And by that stage you hadn’t said anything about it, so…”

She coughed nervously, and decided to go on.

“I spent the next months just…kinda trying to reassure myself that we were just friends, and that I was marrying Roy and that that’s how it would be. Like on that booze cruise, up on the deck. I thought at the time that maybe you were going to kiss me or something. And you didn’t, and Roy set the date for our wedding, and so it was…easy, I guess, to tell myself that I was just imagining things and you only wanted friendship.”

Jim still hadn’t moved.

“And then, in the parking lot…I was so stupid, but you really just took me by surprise when you said that. I didn’t know how to be honest with you, let alone how to be honest with myself. And…”

She wrapped her arms closer around herself, eyes on the ground.

She shook her head. “Then it was too late.”

There was silence.

After a moment she looked up at him, and squinted her eyes. “You left without saying goodbye.”

He held her gaze for a moment. Drew a deep breath. Then shook his head slowly.

“You broke my heart, Pam.”

She nodded, eyes solemn.

He shrugged. “When Phyllis told me you didn’t go through with the wedding, I thought you’d call. When you didn’t…well, it confirmed that I’d got it all wrong.”

“I thought you hated me…”

He laughed without humour. “I’d just told you I was in love with you, Pam! You don’t just…get over that overnight.”

And for the second time that day, she felt hope returning.

“But you came back and told me you were seeing someone.”

“And you said we’d always be friends.”

“I know…I’d just been so excited about seeing you again, and then you took me by surprise with what you said. I felt really stupid.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?”

Why indeed?

He hunched his shoulders. “I put it all on the line and you couldn’t give me one little sign back about how you felt?”

“Why would it have mattered? You’d just told me you’d moved on.”

He raised his hands in a gesture of helplessness. “If it didn’t matter, Pam, why are we even having this conversation?”

Why did this have to be so hard?

She looked at her feet, then back at Jim. All or nothing.

“We’re having this conversation…because I miss you.”

It was the simplest answer and it was the truth, and she felt like crying.

“I don’t expect it to change anything.”

Jim didn’t say anything, just continued staring at her gravely.

A wave of tiredness came upon her.

“I should go.”

She turned around to leave, the idea of going to the drugstore abandoned.

“Pam.”

She stood still and closed her eyes, willing herself to turn back round.

“I broke up with Karen today after work.”

Her heart started beating faster. She stayed where she was.

“I told myself that I’d gotten over you. But I haven’t.”

And just like that, her world was turned around. She felt a fluttering in her stomach as everything she’d hoped for – everything she’d thought about every night since breaking off her wedding – suddenly became real.

She turned around to face him. The hardness that had been in his face for the last three months was gone. There was wariness there still, but in his eyes was an earnestness she’d thought she’d never see again.

“Hey.”

She swallowed, and tried to breath. “Hey.”

His eyes wrapped her up in their warmth. “I would never hate you, Pam.”

She nodded, a sad smile on her lips. “I know.”

She wasn’t sure who closed the distance between them first; suddenly she was in his arms, wrapped in a fierce embrace that felt foreign and natural and wonderful all at once.

“I missed you so much,” she whispered into his ear.

He hugged her closer, running his fingers through her hair. His voice was gravelly soft. “You have no idea.”

Five hours ago she’d watched her soul mate go home with someone else. Now he was beside her and the whole world was shifted on its axis. She felt nervous and elated and at peace.

Five minutes later they were walking back to her apartment for an ice cream social. It was a good day.