*

*


*


A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. ~Jean de La Fontaine


Six full months have come and gone since the day Jim ran away – away from his parents, away from his so-called friends, away from everything that linked him to his old life. He hadn’t plan on being gone for that long. Besides, he knew he couldn’t hide forever. But still, Jim fled, thinking if he got a few days out of it, he would be content.


He snuck out during the night and drove – without direction, without care, but with a purpose. The next morning, he found himself in a small dinner looking at a very interesting job ad in the town’s local newspaper: Salesman Wanted - a young man with an eye for the future and an eye for paper. Needs qualities found in a best friend. No previous experience needed.


The last sentence caught his eye - no previous experience needed. Although Jim had plenty of noteworthy work experience, he knew he couldn’t mention it. As soon as he revealed where he worked, they would know who he was and his cover would be blown. Despite the odds, Jim called the paper company and was able to schedule an interview that afternoon.


His charm and amiable smile landed him the job. He started working as a salesman and the rest is history. He began living the life he always wanted – without the shadow of his parents hovering over him. Although his coworkers were difficult at times, he absolutely enjoyed working there, mainly because there were no expectations set out him to fulfill, a nagging feeling that he lived with his entire life.


Even though his plan seemed to be working perfectly, Jim waited for the day when this dream would fade like the embers of a campfire, with his parents knocking on his door. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, that day never came and he dove, head first, into his new life.


It was there that he met Pam, the office receptionist. She was unlike any girl he’d met. She didn’t have all the make-up, the hair extensions, the fake tan… Pam was real and he loved everything about her. She didn’t need expensive dinners or gifts to please her. A good office prank was sure to win her smile. Looking back, Jim was certain he fell in love with Pam from the moment she walked him to his desk


They became inseparable. She stole his heart and he fell more in love than he ever dreamed possible. If Jim hadn’t believed in soul mates before, he started to. Meeting Pam was fate, becoming her friend was a choice, but falling in love with her...Jim had no control over.


Six months into his new life, Jim was struggling to keep his old life from Pam. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to explain about the years of living an overprotected life with neurotic parents whose fears controlled his every movement. He wanted to finally share the load with her, but in the back of his mind he was fearful that it would push her away. But Pam would understand. Wouldn’t she?


“Do you think you could be happy here? In Scranton?” Pam asked him one day.


“As long as I’m with you,” Jim said pulling her for a kiss, but she playfully pulled away.


“Seriously! Don’t you think about what’s out there? What about expending your horizons? Reaching for the stars?”


“I know what’s out there and I can tell you that it doesn’t compare to being here with you,” he said leaving a trace of small kisses down her neck.


“That’s sweet, but really… What do you dream about? Don’t tell me you wanted to be a paper salesman as a kid.”


He chuckled, “No, I didn’t.”


“Then what? Tell me,” she said with imploring eyes. “What did little Jimmy dreamed of becoming when he grew up?”


“Umm…” Jim never dared to dream outside the future his parents had mapped out for him. That was what was expected of him and he never saw life any other way. Bu that was not what Pam wanted to hear. “I dreamed of being a race car driver,” he said, thinking it might do the trick.


“See? That’s more like it.”


“How about you?” He asked, changing the subject. “Did little Pammy aspire to be receptionist as a little girl?”


“No. Definitely not!” She said and went on to explain how much she wanted to be an artist. Jim watched Pam’s face glow with enthusiasm as she explained how she felt when she had a paintbrush in her hands. “I can say things better with color and shapes than I could say any other way.”


“I promise you that you will realize that dream someday,” Jim assured her.


She smiled at him and the din glow of the full moon coming through the opened shades in her bedroom cast a beautiful light over her. “Nah, I think that ship sailed a long time ago.”


“You never know, maybe Scranton will become the New York of the art world,” he quipped.


Pam chuckled. “Jim, I made my peace with it. You should too,” she said and curled up next to him.


He kissed the top of her head and whispered, “You’ll be big someday. I promise.”


Overall, Jim’s future looked promising. He had everything he’d ever wanted. But in the arcade of life, we are the pin balls and when the plunger strikes, it sends us careening into a world of chaos and pain. After six months of hiding, Jim came home after work one day and a sleek, black car was parked on his driveway. A sense of dread crawled up the back of Jim’s neck.


He stepped inside his house and found his dad standing in his living room.


“What are you doing here?” The memory of his miserable previous life stiffened his spine. "Who let you in?”


“Your roommate Mark is a very nice chap.”


“What are you doing here, dad?”


“Is that how you greet your father after months of not seeing me? Don’t worry I’m not staying long,” Gerry said.


Tension hummed in the air.


“What do you want?”


“I just want to make you a proposition.”


There was nothing his father could say or offer - Jim was not returning home. The monetary possessions had long ceased to inspire loyalty in him. “I don’t need anything from you. I’m doing just fine here.”


“Jim, as difficult as it may be for you to think rationally; consider what you’ve done. Don’t you realize the terror and despair your mother and I experienced when we realized you were gone? We thought our worst nightmare had finally come to pass. We just want what’s best for you. I know you won’t be coming home. I get that. But listen Jimmy, this company that you work for… Dunder-Mifflin, has an assistant manager position opening in Stamford. I know you can do better than a salesman. You have an MBA for God’s sake! If you won’t work for me, at least take this job.”


“I’m not leaving Scranton,” Jim said determined.


Gerry looked at his son and with a chuckle in his voice he asked, “Does she know?”


“Who?”


“You haven’t told her, have you?”


“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Jim feigned ignorance.


“You can do better than her. She nothing but—“


“Stop!” Jim said, as a surge of anger traveled through his bloodstream. “I’m going to tell her tonight. Dad, I’m going to marry her.”


“You are going to marry her?” Gerry said in mockery. “Jimmy, you don’t even know her.”


“I don’t expect you to understand.I knowher, dad.”


“You do? What if I tell you that she knows who you are?”


“She doesn’t,” Jim said, shaking his head.


“Jimmy, open your eyes. She’s an opportunist just like all others.”


“Dad, you’re wrong.”


“She knows about your multimillion dollar trust fund, Jimmy. I’ve spent thousands of dollars tracking you for the last six months. I have proof. I just want what’s best for you. Trust me; this girl is only after our money.”


“Stop! You’re wrong!”


“Jimmy, she’s already planned her next move. She’s going to te—”


“Stop, dad. Just stop! I want you to leave,” Jim said opening the front door.


“Just listen, don’t believe her when she says she’s preg—”


“Leave, dad.”


“Fine I’ll, but remember, I warned you.”



With that, Gerry left, and Jim slammed his front door. His dad was wrong. He didn’t know Pam like Jim did. She was not Katy. Katy had ulterior motives, he knew that now. But Pam, his sweet Pam, she wasn’t like those girls. She would understand when he told her tonight. She would see why he chose to hide this from her.


His cell phone began vibrating in his pocket and he answered with hysteria still in his voice. “Hello?”


“Hey,” Pam said, noting his sharp tone. “Everything okay?”


“No, Yeah… Everything is just fine. I was… um... I was running.”


“What?”


“Yeah, I decided to go for a run. I’m just a bit out of breath.”


“Okay weirdo. Are we still on for tonight?”


“Yeah, definitely. I’ll pick you up at 7?”


“Sounds good. See you then.”


“Love you,” he said.


“Love you too.”


Jim hung up the phone, and for some reason his father’s words kept resonating in his head. What did he know that Jim didn’t? What proof did he have? No, Jim decided. He wouldn’t be a puppet in his dad’s little show - not anymore. His dad was trying to manipulate and confuse him. He would be a fool to let those thoughts germinate in his mind. Or would he?


Jim was quiet all through dinner. He had almost given up telling her altogether, thinking that maybe his emotions had clouded his reason. His father’s words echoed deep within him. But his troubling conscience pressed in again. If he loved Pam, didn’t she diverse to know the truth about him?


“You’re quiet tonight,” Pam said. The cool night breeze tinged their cheeks as they walked outside. “Are you still upset over the wine stain on your shirt?”


“No… I um….” He bit down his bottom lip, gnawing the skin in the same away his father’s words were gnawing away at his brain. He stopped walking, took her hands in his, and said, “I need to tell you something.”


“So do I,” she said smiling from ear to ear.


Jim smiled and cupped her face with his hands, “I love you very much, you know that, right?” Pam nodded and Jim continued, “I just wanted to tell that—”


“I’m pregnant,” she exclaimed.


Jim looked at her and slowly slid his hands down from her cheeks. His stomach knotted to the point of nausea. “Wh…What did you say?”


“I’m pregnant, Jim.” She said lifting up on her toes and placing a kiss on his lips. “I wasn’t going to tell you yet, I haven’t gotten the official results, but I was so nervous, I couldn’t wait.” Pam said, but her joy was not mirrored on Jim.


“Jim, what’s wrong?” Pam asked. “I know we didn’t plan on this happening. I know this is not the best time, I know that. But—”


“Stop,” Jim said with tears in his eyes. “Just stop.”


“What?” Pam said confused.


“He was right…” Jim said more to himself than to Pam. “You know who I am.” His heart, already jumping and pumping, rose to his throat. “You know where I come from.”


“What do I know? Jim… What are you talking about? Who was right?” her voice sounded breathless and scared.


“You know about my family, our money.”


“What?” Pam said with tears in her eyes. “Jim, I don—”


“Stop Pam. You are not the first one to do this—”


“Jim, what’s going on? I don’t understand.”


“I love you Pam,” He said cupping her face and resting his forehead against hers. “I thought you were different. God, I must have been stupid to think you were different.” He let go of her a bit forcefully and said, “Why did you do this? I fell in love with you.”


Pam stood speechless with tears rolling down her face trying to force herself to breathe slow and deep.


“You are just like them.”


“Wait…” Pam said trying to piece together what Jim was saying. “Who are you?” Pam wiped the tears away from her face. “You’re not from Dunmore? Your parents didn’t die in a car accident? Your brothers are not overseas?”


“No, I was going to tell you everything tonight. I was going to ask you to marry me, Pam. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you,” he said racking his fingers through his hair. “But you knew that and I fell—”


“Jim, I don’t know what you are talking about.” More tears gushed down her cheeks and into the corners of her mouth. “What happened today?”


Jim walked closer to Pam and his breath came in rapid rasps against her hair. He took one of her hands and pressed it to his heart. The powerful beat hammered against her palm. “Why did you do it?”


“Did what?” A sob erupted from her throat. The sound was foreign, so different from her normal modulated tone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”


A beat of silence quivered in the air before Jim pulled himself from her and looked away. “Just say it, Pam. We’ll resolve this amicably… you’ll get what you wanted….”


“What I wanted?” She said in disbelief. “I wanted to marry you, to spend the rest of our lives together, raising this baby…” She said shaking her head. “Do you think I got pregnant on purpose? Is that what this is all about?”


“Just…don’t. You can stop pretending.”


“Stop pretending? I didn’t lie here, Jim. You did.” She said looking anywhere but him. “But I get it,” Pam said sniffling. “I can’t believe you think that little of me. But don’t worry about me taking your money, though…” she said and began to leave, but he grabbed hold of her arm.


“Pam, wait …We need to resolve this.”


“Let me go!” She said and her eyes pierced right through him. “There’s nothing to resolve. We’re done.”

*


*



Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus




Jim couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned, not able to find a comfortable position. The night’s events played like a horror movie in his head. How could this have happened? What bothered him the most was the fact that his dad was right. How could he have known? Jim couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to believe that Pam would do that to him. His dad had to be wrong. He made the first move. Not her. He asked her out to dinner. She never imposed herself on him, ever. Did he make a mistake? Did he fall in his dad’s trap? Or Pam’s?


To make matters worse, an innocent baby would be born out of this mess. Jim didn’t want that for his child, his own flesh and blood. How could he let that happen? The more he thought about it, the more miserable he got. And Pam…he still loved her. Everywhere he looked in his bedroom, a piece of her was there - her smell on his sheets, her night shirt draped over the chair, her hair brush was on his nightstand…


The next day Jim sat at work, staring at Pam’s empty reception desk - his thumbs moved around the perimeter of his palms as though they wanted to escape from his hands. It was very unlike her to be late or even miss work. This worried him; he wanted to talk to her. He needed to clear the air and maybe find middle ground. Despite everything, Jim was still very much in love with Pam. And even if her motives were as skewed as his dad said, he would do right by her and the child.


Just when the world was beginning to tighten its nose and the office air was suddenly getting really thin, the door opened and Pam walked into the office – her face ghostly pale, her eyes hollow and bloodshot. He could tell she hadn’t slept at all. She looked as though she’s was about to faint. Everything about her that morning broke Jim’s heart.


He waited for her to get settled. Time stood still then. Every minute was separated by infinity of seconds until the moment he shuffled his feet over to reception.


“Hey, we need to um…talk,” he whispered.


“I think you’ve made you point loud and clear,” Pam said, without lifting her eyes from the computer screen.


“C’mon, we need to talk.”


Pam exhaled audibly. “There’s nothing to talk about.”


“I will do this right here if you want.” He said, trying to keep his voice even and calm, despite the whirlwind of emotion he felt churning inside him.


Pam looked around the office and finally locked eyes with him. “I’ll meet in the stairwell.”


“Thank you,” he said, drumming his fingers on her desk.


He left, feeling the eyes of his colleagues burning holes on his back. At the stairwell, Jim dug his finger to the back of his neck and began to pace around the stair’s landing, going through what he was going to tell her. He thought of confronting her, wanting to know her side of the story – why she tricked him into believing that she really loved him. Come to think of it, he didn’t want to know that. He didn’t want to hear that she played him, that she didn’t love him. It would be too much to bear.


He was going to keep all the emotions at bay. He couldn’t let the tidal wave of sentiment and stress come over him and send him reeling into a backwash of doubt and anguish. This was going to be about the baby.


Minutes later he heard the door to the stairwell screech open. Pam slowly climbed down the steps to where he was. She stood as far away from him as possible in the confinements of the small space.


“Look,” he began, “I just want to talk.”


She wasn't even looking at him; it was as if she wanted us to forget he was in there. “I have nothing to say to you.” Jim couldn’t help noticing how fidgety she was.


“If this child is mine, I will not run away from my responsibilities…..”


Pam rolled her eyes.


“….We would need to get a paternity test.”


Baffled, Pam said, “What?”


“It’s just standard proceedings.”


“Standard proceedings, Jim? Until yesterday you were in love with me. You said you wanted to marry me and now you’re talking about responsibilities and standard proceedings?”


“Pam, you did this. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”


“I’m making things harder? Me? Without any explanation you accuse me of trying to get your money?” She said wiping the tears forming in her eyes. “Can’t you see that this is your own doing? If you hadn’t lied from beginning, pretending to be someone you’re not, this wouldn’t have happened. I can understand you not telling Michael, but me?”


She began to leave but he seized her hand. “If this child is mine, my family will support it.”


She tugged her hand out of his grasp. “What happened to you? I don’t know you anymore.”


“This is just business.”


“Business?” She said incredulously. "Has this been all business to you?”


“Pam, you know that it’s not what I mean. I love you. What I feel for you is real. And if this child is mine, I’ll do right by you.”


“Why do you keep saying if this child is mine? Don’t you think if I wanted your precious money I would have made sure the baby was yours?”


“A-are you admitting you played me?”


“I didn’t play you.” She paused, watching at him. She walked up to him and cupped his cheeks. “Tell me what happened? Why are you questioning me?” Her expression was both, scared and pleadingly.


“My dad has proof, Pam,” he said, removing her hands from his cheeks.


“Who are you going to believe – me or the dad who up until yesterday was dead to you, huh?”


“Just tell me you didn’t. Tell me my dad is wrong.”


“If I have to tell you that, then...you clearly don’t know me.”


He cleared his throat. “My family will make sure the baby will be taken care of.”


Pam sighed and silence reigned between them. But Jim could hear volumes from her silence.


“Jim, there’s no baby,” she finally said.


Her words were a powerful blow to his stomach. His ears buzzed and he felt like he was about to lose his balance. “What do you mean there’s no baby?” His voice, previously cool, guarded - broke, and tears escaped from the back of his eyes.


“It’s exactly what you heard. I’m not pregnant.”


He blinked a few times and said through clenched teeth, “You lied to me?”


Her face churned with something he had yet to see—resentment? Disappointment. “No, I didn’t. I thought I was pregnant, but I’m not. I went to get the test results this morning and it was negative.” Pam wiped the tears away. “I’m not pregnant. I have the results in my purse; if you don’t believe me you can see it for yourself.”


Jim was silent. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but the words vaporized on his tongue. In Pam’s light eyes was a sadness that Jim wanted to undo; he wanted to take it all back and leave.


“So there, problem solved.”


Jim felt as if someone pulled his internal strings and lacerated every organ in his body. “Pam, I’m so—”


He reached for her, but she grudgingly inched away. “No, Jim. I can’t do this.”


As the words tumbled out of her mouth, he began to feel the burning sensation arise again in the back of his eyes. “Pam just… please?” he pleaded. “I’ll tell you everything. My dad said –”


“Jim, it’s over.” Her expression was so broken that he had a hard time looking into her eyes.


“Pam, I was wrong,” Jim said. His breath wedged in his throat like a wad of cotton and for a moment he had trouble breathing. “I know that now. It’s just…my dad said he had proof and—”


“Jim, you should have believed me.”


“Pam…” He said reaching for her.


She pulled away. “No, we’re done.” For a second Jim thought he heard the shattering stroke of her heart. But she turned away, quickly climbed up the steps, and exited through the door.


Jim was left alone with guilt circling through his veins. He became dizzy and utterly weak, as if his spine went limp and nerveless. He lost all sense of balance and slid down to the floor, collapsed in a puddle of despair. This sort of pain was just short of excruciating, knowing that he ruined the only thing that was real. How could’ve he let his dad manipulate him, yet again? How foolish could he be?


He took his phone from his pocket and dialed quickly. Gerry picked up on the first ring. “Jimmy, I almost didn’t believe my caller id. I wa—”


“You lied to me, dad,” Jim said with tears now rolling freely down his cheeks. “You lied and I believed you.”


“Jimmy, I didn’t lie. That girl is preg—”


“She’s not, dad. Pam isn’t pregnant.”


“Did she tell you that?”


“Yeah, she got the results this morning. It was negative,” he said raking his fingers through his hair. “Are you happy now?”


“Jimmy, you’re making a big deal out of this. There are other fish in the sea.”


“No, dad...”


“Jimmy—”


“Dad just…don’t. Forget I exist.” And with that he shut his phone off.


He didn’t talk to Pam the rest of the day. He thought he should give her some space, let her digest everything. He would try again tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, Pam didn’t come to work. He called her cell phone, her house, but she didn’t answer. After work he drove by her apartment, rang the doorbell, but nothing.


“C’mon Pam, I know you’re in there.”


Silence.


He imagined taking Pam by the shoulders and telling her, Babe, this is all a mistake, let’s move on and be happy. He thought of kissing her tears away and taking her inside her small apartment and reminding her of the Jim she fell in love with.


“We need to talk, please open the door,” he pleaded. “I was wrong. My parents… Let me explain everything, even if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I need to tell you the truth.”


Having her know the truth was important to him, even if she did choose to go her separate way. But nothing. No one ever came.


Defeated, he went out on the street and walked faster and faster until he was at his car. It was raining and the drops were like a slap on his face. He was drenched immediately. He drove home and went to his room and lay on his bed. He dialed Pam’s number one last time, but she didn’t pick up. He turned out the light, but didn’t sleep.


Pam didn’t return to work the rest of the week. Jim would stare at the empty reception desk and sadness would overcome him. Going on without Pam, cold turkey, was taking its toll on his sanity. It was taking its toll on everything, actually He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, and life began to lose its meaning.


When he finally got the news that Pam had left Scranton and no one knew where she was, Jim decided he would leave too. There wasn’t a place in Scranton that didn’t remind him of her. Everything was tainted with Pam.


Needing to leave, but not wanting to return home to his parents, Jim took the assistant manager position in Stamford. Not because his dad had told him to, but because he couldn’t stay in Scranton anymore. Stamford would be an escape from everything Scranton stood for.

*


*


You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far. ~Uncle Remus



Pam had to leave Scranton, especially after what happened in the stairwell. Now it was her turn to keep a secret.


She was pregnant.


Five weeks along, in fact.


She hadn’t planned on lying to Jim. God knows how much she ached to tell him, ached to share this baby with him. But when he said his parents would “take care” of the child, she knew in her heart that the baby would be taken away from her. He came from a rich family and with money comes power. Who was she? She was a nobody. She would lose custody of the baby before she even delivered.


Pam refused to let that happen. She would never surrender her child to anyone. That was one thing she was resolute about. She was going to disappear and they would never find her or the baby.


After their conversation in the stairwell, Pam decided she was going to leave that night. She stepped outside and the early spring breeze, which should have felt comforting, scorched her cheeks. Pam called her friend Isabel, and without any preamble she told her she needed to leave Scranton. Pam didn’t explain why, but from the hint of hysteria in her voice, Isabel understood the urgency of Pam’s request.


“I just need to go, Iz. I can’t stay here anymore.”


“Why? Pam you’re scaring me? What’s going on?”


“Iz, is there anyone you know that I can stay with?”


“Here. At my house.”


“No! Somewhere outside Scranton.”


“What about Jim?”


“Iz, just… Do you know a place where I could go?”


“Did he do something to you?”


“No Iz… Just…Please?”


But Isabel came up empty handed and Pam sat perusing her phone for anyone who could help her.


“Excuse me,” she heard a voice say. She looked up from her phone and saw one of the warehouse workers standing in front of her.


She wiped her eyes and said, “Yeah?”


“I couldn’t help overhearing, but my brother is leaving tonight for Philly. He’s got an extra room; you can crash for a couple of days. ”


“Really?”


“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind and you seem a little desperate.” He cleaned his hand on his pants and extended it to Pam, “I’m Roy.”


“Pam,” she said, shaking his hand.


“My mom is sick and one of us has to go down and help dad with the family business. Kenny drew the short straw.”


Pam nodded. Her eyes were wide and glistening.


“We’re not creeps, I promise.”


“No... I wasn’t... I wasn’t thinking that.”


An opportunity like that wouldn’t come again. This was the only chance she would get. She would be foolish to not accept his offer. She loved this baby more than anything and she wasn’t about to hand it to anyone on a silver platter.


“Okay, I’ll go,” she nodded. “But please don’t tell anyone about this,” she said.


“You’re secret is safe with me.”


Though it was almost impossible, Pam avoided Jim at all costs the rest of the day. The first chance she got she snuck out. She just couldn’t be….there. She needed time alone - time to come to terms with everything she was feeling.


She tried to make sense of things, but it was in vain. From the moment Jim picked her up the night before, she noticed that he was different – it was like a barrier had been built between them. And then, after she told him she was pregnant, it was as if she’d slammed face first on his barricade. You are just like them, Jim had said. Those words hurt more than the rest.


But it was too late now. She had made up her mind. She was leaving.


She walked up the stairs to her third-floor apartment, all alone. She let herself into her tiny home and began to quickly pack. Kenny would be there soon. She pulled clothes off hanger from the closet and from her dresser drawers. While pulling some clothes out of the dryer, she saw one of Jim’s T-shirts mixed in with hers. She stopped and looked at it. He had worn that shirt on their first date.


“I make the best grilled cheese sandwiches,” Jim said, walking towards her. His hair was in disarray and his clothes were baggy and crumpled. He still looked really good. But her eyes centered on his T-shirt: I’m a good kisser.


“Is that true?” She asked.


“Of course,” he said. “There is very little I can do in the kitchen, but my grilled cheese….”


Pam just smiled. She was talking about the message on his shirt. Never, not for one second, did Pam ever think she would be this smitten with a coworker. But from the first time he came up to her desk, she felt something between them. And now, at his house while he “cooked” her dinner, she felt that “something” bubbling at the surface of her skin.


She pointed to his chest. “I meant your shirt.”


“Oh,” he said, turning all kinds of red. He looked as if he’d just been sucker punched in the most pleasant way


Pam lifted an eyebrow. “Is that true?”


“Ummm… You’ll never know, Beesly,” he said with a gleam in his eyes.


Pam shook her head and pointed to his ipod at the end of the kitchen counter. “Do you have new music?”


“Yeah,” he said. “Definitely.” Jim took the iPod, placed one ear bud in her ear and the other in his, and pressed play. The music began playing and both began swaying. At one point Jim stopped moving and cupped her face, taking her lips softly, gently. The music played on, but Pam didn’t hear it. All she heard was the beat of her heart against his. Her hands curled around his neck into his hair and she was lost in the sensation that blocked all her reasoning.


When their lips parted, Jim took a long breath and rested his forehead against hers. She looked into his eyes and suddenly her world was looking a whole lot better. The T-shirt was right.


A car honked outside and it startled her. She looked out the window and saw the green pickup truck - it was Roy’s brother, Kenny. She grabbed her bags, and before she left the apartment, she took one long last look. This apartment had been her home for so many years. She would miss this place. But even if she didn’t leave Scranton, Pam knew she couldn’t live there anymore; Jim was everywhere. Tears slowly unleashed from the back of her eyes darkening the spots they trickled on her shirt.


She hurried down the stairs and met with Kenny. He seemed like a nice guy. He helped her with her bags and off they were. Philly would be okay for now, she thought. Perhaps when she had more time to think, she would come up with a plan, a better plan and go someplace else. She couldn’t think of herself anymore. There was a little heart beating inside her that was her job to protect.
***



If you ask Pam about what happened during the car trip to Philly, she’ll tell you that she only remembers getting into the passenger seat. She can’t tell you anything that happened before or after Kenny fell asleep on the wheel and crashed head-on into a tree. Now and again she’ll see snippets in her mind – sirens, ambulances, paramedics - playing out in short, broken images, but that’s all.


The news of the accident first reached Roy’s parents. They rushed to the hospital only to learn that Kenny had been pronounced dead at the scene. Roy’s father, Joe Anderson, thought his wife wouldn’t be able to take the news. The cancer had been slowly consuming her, but Kenny’s death would be the end of her.


“Mr. and Mrs. Anderson,” a nurse approached them. “I’m sorry about your son’s death, but the passenger survived.”


“What passenger?” Joe asked.


“There was passenger in the car.”


“Kenny said he was bringing a girl with him, remember?” Roy’s mother, Adele, spoke up. “I think it’s his girlfriend. Is she okay?


“She’s not awake, yet. But everything looks good with the baby.”


“Baby?” Adele said shocked. “She’s pregnant?”


“Yes. She’s a few weeks along.”


Adele began to cry. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Could it be true? A glimpse a hope amid this terrible tragedy? “That’s our grandbaby, Joe. That’s our grandbaby,” she exclaimed.


Joe looked at the nurse and back at his wife – his heart sank to the pit of his stomach. He gathered Adele to him, cradling her in his arms as she shed tears for the miracle that was growing in the young woman’s belly. But Joe knew that baby couldn’t possibly be Kenny’s. Kenny didn’t have a girlfriend. Kenny hadn’t had a girlfriend in years. But he wasn’t about to tell his wife this. For now, this flicker of hope would carry his wife through this awful tragedy. He was going to make sure that Adele held that for as long as possible.
***

As soon as Roy got the news of the accident he rushed to the Hospital.


“Roy?” Joe called when he saw his son walking down the hospital’s corridors.


“Dad,” he said quickening his pace.


They hugged and Joe released a tearful sob. “I’m glad you came.”


“Of course,” he said. “How’s mom?”


“She’s devastated.”


“Where’s she?”


“She’s in there with the girl.”


“Pam! Oh my God, is she okay?”


“You know her?”


“Yeah, I met her at work. She wanted to leave Scranton, so she took a ride with Kenny. How is she doing?”


“She’s doing okay,” Joe said. “She’s not awake yet. The baby is doing fine, though.”


“Baby?”


“You didn’t know she was pregnant?”


“No, I mean, she didn’t look pregnant. I want to go see her,” Roy said and began walking towards the room, but Joe held him back.


“Wait….” Joe said grabbing Roy’s arms. “You mom thinks she was Kenny’s girlfriend. She thinks the baby was his…”


“What? You know that’s not possible. Kenny is not into girls.”


“Yes, I know that. But I didn’t have the heart to tell her.”


“We can’t keep this from mom.”


“We have too,” he said sternly, “At least for now. Your mom is very sick. This is the only thing that’s keeping her going. I don’t know what will happen if you take this away from her.”


His dad’s pain and desolation was so rawly palpable on his face that Roy was suddenly struck with silence. As much as the idea of lying to his mother bothered him, he agreed to go along with it. But how long would it last? Pam would be waking up soon, right? Wouldn’t it be better to just… tell her now instead of waiting for her to imagine Kenny’s face on the baby?


Roy slowly pushed the door open and saw his mother seated by the chair holding Pam’s hands.


“Mom?”


“Roy!” She exclaimed.


“Oh mom,” he said.


“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, pulling him to a hug.


He held his mom in his arms and it was only then that he understood where his dad was coming from. In the short few weeks that Roy hadn’t seen her, she had deteriorated. She had lost a lot of weight and looked very fragile and very weak. He couldn’t bring himself to break her heart by telling her the truth either.


“I’m here, mom. I’m here.”


Roy began thinking. He could extend this. Pam was vulnerable. She had nowhere to go. He could get her to stay and live with his parents. In exchange she would agree to go along with their little fib. Come to think of it, it was a good deal. She wouldn’t deny, would she? A place to sleep, food, and possibly a job… what else could she possibly want?


Roy could make this happen.


He had too.

*


*


A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn




Pam woke up slightly disoriented. The brightness of the room made opening her eyes unbearable. She breathed slowly and deeply, stilling her eyes under her eyelids. She wondered if Jim had opened the blinds again. She didn’t know why that man wanted to be bathed in sunshine while all she wanted to do pretend morning hadn’t come. She tried one more time to pry her eyes open, but it was like a million razor-sharp blades were pricking at her brain.


“Urrr,” she groaned.


“She’s waking up.” She heard a deep voice resonate in the distance.


“You should rest, dear,” she heard another voice say – sweet and calm.


She tried opening her eyes once again and this time she could see a shadow hovering over her, but she couldn’t distinguish what it was. A pounding in her head assured her that whatever happened the night before couldn’t have been good. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t remember anything. The shadow slowly began taking shape and the face of a woman came into view.


“Hi, dear,” she said. “You’re okay now.”


Pam strained her eyes to look at the woman standing above her. She had never seen her before. She had piercing blue eyes, pale lips, and wore a purple scarf on her head.


“W-Whaa… Wherrr?” Pam mumbled. Her tongue felt like a lump of wood lying on the floor of her mouth, stunned - she could barely move her lips.


“You’re in the hospital, dear.”


Hospital? Pam tried to search her mind for a reason why she was at a hospital, but she couldn’t. Was she dreaming? “H-Hos-pital? W-Why??”


“There was a umm….a car accident,” the woman said and her dismal tone spiked a degree closer to panic inside Pam.


“A-Accident?” The word expanded in her head and filled all crevices of her mind, until it crowed out every thought, except one. “Oh my God,” she jolted forward, “M-My b-baby!” She placed her hands on her belly as if soothing the child inside of her.


The woman gently pushed Pam back down on the bed and ran a hand over her cheek. “The baby is fine. Everything is okay.”


Pam sucked in several deep breaths. “I-I.. i-is it really okay?”


“Yeah, the doctors said the baby is as healthy as it can be.”


Pam slowly leaned back down, feeling the woman’s soft pressure on her shoulder. She closed her eyes and her nose filled with the smell of rubbing alcohol. Pam tried to make sense of what was going on. She searched her mind, but the images were broken and blurred. The last thing she remembered was packing her bags and…. Roy’s brother Kenny was going to come over…. He did come over. She remembered hearing him honking, remembered the pickup truck….


“Is Kenny okay?” Pam asked.


The woman’s eyes filled with tears. She began to say something, but her voice cracked. She closed her mouth, opened it, and closed it again. Under the fluorescent lights, her skin appeared dead white and her demeanor seemed shriveled like that of a much older person. “I’m sorry,” she finally said, wiping the tears pooling around her eyes, “He didn’t make it.”


Tears sprung from the back of Pam’s eyes. She leaned into her hand, feeling her head pounding and her eyelids going heavy. Even though she hadn’t known Kenny for long, the news was heartbreaking. She just wanted to tear away from that place, that reality, and melt someplace far away.


The woman’s quiet tears turned into full sobs. The guy who had been standing in the corner of the room came closer to her and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he ushered her outside. He returned to the room moments later and closed the door behind him.


“Hi,” he said. “I know you don’t know me. I’m Joe, Kenny’s father.”


“Hi,” Pam said. “I’m so sorry about your son.”


“Thank you,” he said and hesitantly dabbed a tear from the corner of his eye. “The woman who was just here? That’s my wife Adele, Kenny’s mother.”


“I’m truly sorry about what happened. I didn’t know your son, but he seemed like a really nice guy.”


Joe nodded. “Is there anyone you would like us to call?” He asked.


“No,” she said almost too hastily, which didn’t go unnoticed by Joe.


“What about the baby’s father?”


“There’s no father,” Pam said, shaking her head.


“No father?” Joe asked.


“No. This baby is mine only.”


Joe stood there looking at Pam’s frightened face. “This could work out,” he said under his breath.


“Uh? What will work out?” Pam was a bit scared of where this conversation was going. She didn’t know what this man was capable of. “I-I’m not giving my baby up.”


Joe’s features softened. “Oh no, dear. I don’t want to take your baby from you. I would never do that.” He said and walked closer to the bed. “You see, my wife is very, very sick. Kenny’s death has been really hard on her. However, she’s been hanging in there for the last three days because of you.”


“I-I’m very flattered. But I don’t understand...”


“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” He said. “This is a very delicate subject and I hope that you’ll understand where I’m coming from.” Joe pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat there. He looked very disconcerted. The dark circles under his eyes told Pam he probably hadn’t had any sleep since probably before the accident. “My wife thinks that you were Kenny’s girlfriend and that the baby you’re carrying is his.”


“Kenny is not my baby’s father,” Pam said wrapping her hands protectively around her stomach.


“I know,” he said. “Who is, then?


Pam stumbled, “I-I um… I don’t…”


“Pam, I want to make you an offer.”


Pam looked at him curiously; her heart tightened another notch inside her chest. “What do you want?”


“Roy said you were running away, right?” He asked, but Pam didn’t answer. “Well, I can offer you a home, a job, and I’ll take care of all your hospital bills if you do one thing for me.”


“What?” Pam said just above a whisper.


“That you go along with Adele’s belief, that the child you’re carrying is, in fact, Kenny’s.”


“I can’t, I don’t think…”


“Listen, my wife has been very sick. Taking this away from her will….” Joe could bring himself to finish the sentence. “Just think about it. No one will ever know you’re here. We’ll take care of this child as long as you want.”


Pam didn’t want to accept. As nice as the Anderson’s seemed, she didn’t know them. And living a lie? Could she do that? But she had to think about her baby. What other choices did she have? Maybe this was the escape she needed. If she didn’t agree, where would she go? She didn’t have money, she didn’t have a car. This baby deserved better. They both needed this lie right now.


“Okay,” Pam agreed hesitantly.


Joe smiled. “Thank you,” he said taking her hand. “You won’t have to worry about a thing. I’m a man of my word. You’re in good hands now.”


Not long after her conversation with Joe, Adele and Roy entered Pam’s hospital room. Roy was caring a bouquet of flowers and a balloon. Pam suddenly felt the room close in and the air become heavy and moist. She had just agreed to be part of this lie that would ultimately lead her where?


“Hi, sweetie,” Adele said approaching the bed. “Sorry about earlier. This must be all so overwhelming for you too.”


“Yeah,” Pam said. She looked into Adele’s hollow, glazed eyes and her heart broke. A mother should never lose a child.


“We’re here for you and my grand—”


“Mom,” Roy interjected, but Joe placed a hand on Roy’s shoulder and whispered, “It’s okay, son.”


“What is it Roy?” Adele asked turning her attention to Roy.


“Umm... Nothing. I just um… think Pam needs to rest, that’s all.”


“I agree with Roy, Del. You need to rest too.” Joe said. “Roy will keep Pam company.”


Adele leaned in and planted a small kiss on Pam’s cheek, “I’ll be back first thing tomorrow, dear.”


Pam smiled. “Okay.”


“Bye Pam,” Joe said.


Pam waved.


This could work, she told herself. This baby would need a family and the Anderson’s seemed nice. She would be safe. Jim’s family wouldn’t be able to find her. This would work out.


It had too.


“Hey,” Roy piped up, “I brought these for you.” He walked closer to the bed and handed her the bouquet. “I don’t know what kind of flowers you like, but I thought these were nice.”


“Thank you. They’re beautiful.”


Roy smiled. He then took the flowers and placed them in a vase by the window. “So, my dad um…talked to you?”


“Yeah...”


“You are okay with everything?”


“To be honest? I don’t know. It is my only option right now.”


“My mom needs you as much as you need us.”


“Yeah….”


The room fell silent. It was comforting to have someone there. She missed having someone there. She missed Jim very much. She still didn’t believe he did that to her. Maybe she should have listened to what he had to say, but she was too angry to digest anything at that moment. It was better this way.


Pam remained quiet, but squeezed her eyes shut allowing tears to roll down her cheeks. Roy noticed.


“Are you okay?” She heard concern in his voice.

“Yeah, um… It’s just….. hard.”

“I don’t know what you’re going through, but just know,” Roy said resting his hand on top of hers.
“That I’m here for you.”
* * * * * * *

Jim was in his apartment staring at the walls - bare, empty – a mirror for himself. He couldn’t sleep and this sort existing (not living) fused mornings, afternoons, and nights into one. He was completely numb, unfeeling—lifeless. He couldn’t stop thinking about Pam. If he closed his eyes, he could still smell her shampoo. He could feel the softness of her skin under his fingertips. He could also hear her laugh echoing sweetly in his ear. Jim couldn’t imagine living in a world without ever experiencing that again.


Why did he allow his dad’s voice to speak louder than his own?


He had to find a way to put this behind him. He needed to pretend the last six months hadn’t happened. As much as it pained him to lock those memories away, it was the only way he would be able to go on.


His phone began ringing in his pocket; he fished it out and sighed when he recognized the number on the caller ID.


“Hello?”


“Jimmy!” He heard a high pitch voice sound on the other end of the line.


“Hey, mom. Did dad give you this number?”


“He did, dear. I’ve been so worried.”


“I’m okay, mom. Tell dad he got what he wanted, I’m moving to Stamford,” he said bitterly.


“Listen Jimmy, you are an adult and I’m saving the lecture. But honey, you couldn’t have possibly thought running away was a good idea? Did you? It was weeks before we knew where you were.”


“I left a note.”


“Anyone could have written a note! Do you know how many scenarios played in my head?”


Jim felt a tinge of guilt. “I’m sorry mom, but I just needed to… get away.”


“Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your mother.”


“You wouldn’t have understood, mom.”


“You didn’t give me a chance, Jimmy.”


There was a beat of silence before Jim said, “Well, it’s all over now. You guys know where I’m.”


“Jimmy, I’ll be in New York next weekend, maybe you can drive up so we can meet for dinner?”


Jim thought about it, “I don’t know, mom.”


“It’s just dinner. I haven’t seen you in six months. Don’t make me pull out the you owe me card.”


“Um… sure, I’ll give you a call.”


“Make sure you do.”


“I will. Bye, mom.”


“Bye, hon.”


Jim ended the call and gazed at him phone. He scrolled down to Pam’s name and allowed his finger hover over the send key. He had called her many times and she hadn’t picked up one single call. He contemplated pressing the green key once more, but resisted. She didn’t want to talk with him anymore. If he was in her shoes, he wouldn’t want to talk to himself either.


He wondered what Pam was doing right now. He wondered if she was okay. Perhaps he could sympathize with his mom. He worried about her, not knowing where she was, who she was with…


Jim just hoped that someday their paths would cross and he would be able to tell her everything and anything she wanted to hear. He hoped that day came soon rather than later. For the millionth time, Jim wished things were different.

*

*




Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye



Pam was being discharged from the hospital. As she stepped outside, the spring day embraced her with a freshness that cleared her mind. She took a deep breath and the scent of budding trees and green grasses filled her lungs. The breeze ruffled her hair, but she made no move to brush it back as she walked towards the awaiting car.


Although she was relieved to be free from the confinements of her hospital room, she was nervous to embark on this new life. The Andersons had proven to be nothing, but loving and caring - that alone should have eased her mind, but it only made it worse. With every passing day, Adele’s warmth towards her and the baby only made her guilt bubble to the surface of her skin.


But what choice did she have? Return to Scranton and have her baby ripped out from her arms? She also had to think about Adele. What would happen to her if she left? Taking this baby from her would break her heart. Pam couldn’t do that. As much as her heart ached for Jim, ached to share the little bundle growing inside her with him, she couldn’t. That thought alone brought her to tears.


“Oh, honey,” Adele said while helping Pam into the awaiting town car. “Everything is going to be alright.”


Pam looked at Adele’s pale features and smiled. “I know… It’s just—”


“Kenny will never be totally gone, dear,” Adele said, entering the town car and sitting next to her. “A small piece of him is growing inside of you.”


“Yeah,” Pam agreed.


Adele gave directions to the driver and continued talking to her, but her words faded away as Pam’s thoughts intruded. No matter how far away she ran, he would always be with her. Pam would always carry a piece of Jim with her.


To avert her mind from wandering places that were too painful to roam, she decided to focus on gazing out the window – the engine noise, the repetition of stop signs and streetlights would make her calmer, would anesthetized her, and make her forget…. everything.


“Pam. Pam?”


She jerked her head to gaze at Adele. “Huh?”


“We have a room just for you,” Adele said. “It’s not quite ready, but we wanted you to have your own space.”


Pam shifted uneasily. “Oh Adele, you didn’t have too.”


Adele patted Pam’s leg, “Nonsense, dear. We want you to feel at home.”


Pam offered her a feeble smile. Home.


When they finally rounded the corner, entering the Anderson’s estate, Pam was dumbfounded by the size of the house. It was bigger than she expected it would be – a Victorian monster, big enough for a family of twelve and their servants to live in. The front door porch alone looked twice the size of her apartment back in Scranton. She knew the Anderson’s were well off, but she didn’t know they were this well off.


“Wow,” Pam said, her mouth hanging open. “This is a really nice house.”


“Thanks, dear. It’s your house now too.”


Pam’s amazement only doubled once she was led inside. The interior had high ceilings, complete with a fireplace with a marble mantel, and ornate woodwork was seen all around. Although the house was clearly professionally decorated, it had a homey feel to it. The wall colors were warm and inviting, the family pictures and books lying around the house added to that feeling. Pam wandered through the house touching the walls, running her hands over the furniture, the cherry windowsills…


“Hey.”


Pam heard a voice that had become so familiar to her.


“Hey, Roy,” she said. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”


“Yeah…” He said, “Actually, I live here now.”


“What?”


“Yeah, I’m going to stay and help dad with the business since Kenny…”


“Oh…. You okay with that?”


“I think I’ll be okay.”


Roy had been there for Pam for the last two weeks while she was at the hospital. He had visited her every single day. He even went to her sonogram two days ago. Pam thought he was nice, attentive even. She appreciated his kindness. But that was it.


“So, how are you feeling?”


“I’m doing okay.” Pam smiled slightly and looked down at her hands.


“Your arm healed up nicely,” Roy said pointing to the scar on her forearm.


“Yeah, it did.”


“Hey um...” Roy said, shifting from one leg to the other. “Do you want me to show you to your room?”


“Ummm….sure.”


Roy led her up the stairs and down a long hallway. He stopped in front of a door and as soon as he opened it, a beautifully furnished room came into view. Pam was awestruck. There was a queen size bed facing the doorway with two night stands on each side. Pale, white curtains billowed with the afternoon breeze as the golden sunlight peered through them. She walked further into the room and saw a small bassinet tucked in the corner wall.


She walked closer and slowly touched the edges of the bassinet.


“Do you like it?”


Pam turned around and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “This is… I don’t….I-I...”


“I’m glad you liked it.”


Pam smiled. “I really do.”


Pam walked to the edge of the bed and sat there looking out the window. It was like her life was temporarily off track, but now it seems that it would soon right itself again. Perhaps there was calm after the storm. The Andersons were a sliver of light that appeared at the end of the tunnel. It was merely a dot on the horizon at that moment, but it was there nonetheless, and it provided her with renewed focus and a renewed sense of what life would be like once survival mode was a distant past. This was her life now. This was her new home.


“Hey,” Pam said, turning to look at Roy, “Can I ask you a question?”


“Sure” he said.


“Do get me wrong, but… Your family has all this and this is your house….Why were you in Scranton?”


Roy stiffened from head to toe. Pam was quick to notice. “Um….I’m... It’s a bit um…” He faltered. “Sometimes dad and I didn’t see eye to eye….”


“Okay,” Pam said. The change in Roy’s demeanor alerted her that Roy didn’t want to expand on the subject. “Sorry, I just—”


“No need for apologies,” Roy said, smiling down at her. “Everybody needs to get away sometimes, right?”


She definitely could empathize with that. “Right,” Pam said.


“Shall we?” Roy said gesturing towards the door. “I think lunch is ready.”


“If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to rest for a bit.”


“Oh yeah….you’re probably tired. I’ll let my mom know.”


“Thanks, Roy.”


Roy smiled and closed the door behind him.


Pam lay down on the bed and gazed up at the ceiling. She closed her eyes and let her mind roam to the one place she had avoided for the past couple of weeks – the place she wanted to forget. God, she wanted the pain to go away.


“Margaret?”


“I know…”


“You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.”


“Oh… I didn’t like that place that much anyways. I’ll just move.”


“Oh really? Who’s gonna to take you in? You’re messy. You’re a klutz. You spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.”


“Yeah… Maybe I’ll just move in with my boyfriend, ‘cause he’s kind of a slob, too.”


“Okay. Sure. Let’s do it.”


“No, I…Well, I’m not gonna… I’m... I’m not going to move in with anyone unless I’m engaged.”


“Have I not proposed to you yet?”


“Ummm, I don’t…No...umm—”


“Oh… Well, that’s coming.”


“Oh, right now?”


“No, I’m not going to do it right here. That would be rather lame.”


“Okay, so then when?”


“Pam, I’m not going to tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that’s not how that works.”


“Oh, right. Yeah…”


“Wait, I’m serious. It’s happening”


“Ookay.”


“And when it happens it’s going to kick your ass, Beesley. So... stay sharp.”


“I’ve been warned.”


That was the first time Jim mentioned he was going to marry her. She couldn’t explain the feeling, but she recognized the sincerity in every word he said and she welcomed the warmth that flooded her body from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. For the first time in her life she had been able to see everything laid out, like a map, all future, all bright. But in the blink of an eye, everything turned dark.


Outside the sun was lowering in the horizon.
***


It was still early in the evening, but Jim laid on his bed – on the wrong side, Pam’s side. Everything was subtly different from that side of the bed. He laid there looking at the armchair with his clothes scattered all over it. His new apartment could probably qualify for Federal Disaster Relief funds. He hadn’t unpacked and what he did unpack was strewn around haphazardly.


When Jim was not at work, he tried to inhabit sleep, willing it, not wanting to stay awake. Sleep was his forgetting, his opiate, and his oblivion. And when sleep abandoned him, he remedied his insomnia with a bottle of Bailey’s.


He wanted to move on. But he knew he would never find someone like Pam. And that was part of the reason he fell in love with her – because she was different from every women he’d dated. Even her imperfections made her all that more beautiful because she was real to him. There was this girl at work, Karen, who seemed to be into him and she was cute, funny, and smart. Their parents were friends and she knew who he was. But he couldn’t see her as anything but a friend because Pam was so wonderfully woven into every muscle fiber of his heart that it was impossible to remove her from it. But perhaps he needed someone to be just a friend.


It was nearing five o’clock the next day and Jim was sitting on his desk, finishing his expense reports, when Karen walked back in the office. He smiled politely and she did the same, but when she sat at her desk, she released a frustrated sigh.


Jim couldn’t help but notice. He swiveled his chair around and asked, “Didn’t make the sale?”


She looked at him and said with a huge gush of air. “No. It’s like the third time this week.”


“C’mon, it’s not that bad. Plus, those sales were doomed to fail anyways. “


“I know, but I stupidly thought I could make them.”


“Don’t stress over’em,” Jim said and smiled. “There’s always tomorrow.”


Karen smiled. “I guess. It’s just… No, it’s nothing.”


“What?”


“I just… I really need to make the Johnson sale tomorrow. That would be a huge account.”


“Do you want me to help you? We could go over your sales pitch. “


“I like that. We could go to Bradford’s. Don’t worry, drinks are on me.”


“Ummm….”


“If you don’t like Bradford’s, we could go to this little Irish pub on Belmont. It’s nice and there are no crow—”


“No it’s not that... It’s um…” Jim thought it over. He would be just helping her. That’s all, right? It was better for him to drink under the supervision of another human being anyways. Who knew what he would do after drowning his sorrows at home tonight. Jim knew was at rock bottom, but a single glass would give him a shovel to dig further into the black hole his life had become without Pam. “You know what? Bradford’s sound great.”


“Okay. You’re on, Halpert,” Karen said with a sheepish smile.


After work, Jim and Karen met up, and began going over Karen’s sales pitch. At first, it was all business, which Jim was thankful for. Karen was professional and she was actually taking notes and nodding to everything he was saying. He gave her good pointers. He even let her in some of his sales tricks. But the drinks began flowing, and the conversation veered from its original path.


“So Halpert, why are you here, selling paper?” Karen asked.


Karen had always spoken her mind, but this one caught him a little off guard. “Well, I’m pretty good at it,” Jim said, taking a swig of his beer.


“I know you had a cushy job working for your dad. This is not a step up.”


“Well, I just needed to….get away,” Jim said with a shrug.


“That bad, huh?”


Jim nodded. “Yep.” Talking to her suddenly felt good. It was nice to have someone who knew him.


“Hey, is Scranton as bad as they say it is?” Karen asked.


Jim chuckled. “There’s definitely more play than work.”


“Did you know the diversity training we had last week was because of an incident in Scranton?”


“Yeah, Michael’s quite the boss….”


“I wouldn’t be able to work there. I can’t believe you lasted six months there.”


Jim took another pull of his beer and said, “Yeah… I don’t know.”


“What made you transfer here?”


He studied his beer bottle. “I got promoted.”


“Right… I’m glad.”


Jim watched Karen’s face flush red. Their eyes met and emotions he couldn’t define hovered just below the surface – emotions he wasn’t ready to define. He cleared his throat. “I’m glad too,” he said. His cheeks burned – he blamed the alcohol.

*


*



Whether we wake or we sleep,
Whether we carol or weep,
The Sun with his Planets in chime,
Marketh the going of Time.
~Edward Fitzgerald



Time slowly rolled by, three months to be exact, and Pam was finally finding some peace - despite all of that had happened. The Andersons provided her with a renewed sense of life, something she was incredibly grateful for. They embraced her as their own and nothing had felt more natural than to be living in their house. In the first few weeks, Pam went back and forth on whether or not she should tell Adele the truth. Her conscience tormented her, but she learned that with time, it was easier to sidestep her guilt.


Although Pam was surrounded by loving and caring people, still she felt lonely. She longed for someone who understood her, someone who knew who she was. She missed the feeling of having someone there when she woke up in the morning and someone there to cuddle with at night. She missed having late night talks and something as simple as sharing a dessert.


Pam missed Jim.


She thought of calling him many times. She had it all planned. She would ask him to meet her somewhere. (He wouldn’t deny her, would he?) She would let him explain himself, something that she regretted not letting him do, and maybe she would see his side. Perhaps, everything would finally make sense. But every time Pam dialed his number she never had the courage to press send.


In the past month, Roy and Pam had gotten closer, although still just friends. He had asked her to dinner a couple of times, but she had rejected under the guise of being ill. The last thing Pam wanted to do was lead him on. Roy deserved better than to be her rebound guy. But her rejections didn’t stop him from asking – the guy was nothing if not persistent.


“Hey,” Roy said, entering the living room where Pam sat watching TV.


“Hey,” Pam said. “You’re home early.”


“Yeah,” he said plopping down on the couch next to her. “Business was slow today. Whatcha watching?”


“Trading Spouses.”


Roy scoffed and said, “Why are you watching that?”


“My—a friend of mine talked a lot about it.”


“Oh.”


The room grew silent and only the voices coming from the TV were heard. From the corner of her eye Pam could see Roy fidgeting – a great tell that he had something on his mind and she knew exactly what it was.


“Hey, umm…” Roy cleared his throat, “Are you hungry?”


Pam chuckled. “No Roy, I’m not hungry.”


“You have to be hungry. Aren’t pregnant women hungry like, all the time?”


“Not this pregnant woman.”


“Do you have any cravings? C’mon, all pregnant women have cravings.”


“I’m not craving anything, really.”


“I bet you could go for some ….ice cream and pickles?”


“No.”


“Brownies and pickles?”


“Nope. And why do you assume there’s gotta be pickles involved?”


“I don’t know, don’t pregnant women always want pickles? Anyways, how about a grilled cheese sandwich…with pickles??”


“Wait, what?” Pam said, taken a bit by surprise. “What did you say??”


“Grilled cheese?” Roy asked again. Immediately he knew he hit the jack pot with that one. “I overheard you asking my mom if we had that cheese you like, so you could make a grilled cheese. Are you craving grilled cheese sandwiches? Cause if you are—”


“I’m not craving it. Really, I’m not.”


“If you are, I know this great place that has the best grilled cheese sandwiches around.”


“I’m not interested, but… where is this place?”


“Pam, just come with me.”


Pam looked at him, pondering if she should let her craving speak louder than her good sense. “Just one sandwich?”


“Yeah, totally. We’ll be back before dinner.”


“Okay. I’ll go get my jacket.”


“I’ll be outside.”


Roy drove them to this little place, tucked behind a convenient store a few minutes from the house. You could just tell how warm and inviting the little restaurant was from the outside. The decorations reminded Pam of her grandmother’s house.


“Table for two?” The girl at the host stand asked once they entered.


“Yes, please,” Roy said.


“Okay, follow me.”


The young girl brought them to a little booth in the back of the restaurant. She started to hand them menus, but Roy said, “We actually know what we want.”


“Okay. What can I get you?”


“Two grilled cheese sandwiches, please?”


“Anything to drink?”


“Ummmm….”


“Water for me,” Pam said.


“I’ll take whatever you have on tap.”


“Okay, will do.”


The girl left and soon returned with a glass of water and a quaint beer mug in hand. Pam sipped her water and gazed at Roy. He seemed really nervous. He wasn’t fidgeting anymore, but if he tried to crack his knuckles one more time, he would break his hand.


“This place is really cozy,” she said, breaking the silence. “How did you know it was even here?”


“Well, that convenience store wasn’t always there.”


“Oh.”


“And this was the cool hangout when I was in High School.”


“I bet you were one of the cool kids,” Pam said.


“Says the head cheerleader...”


“Me?” Pam chuckled with a bit of humor in her voice. “I was nowhere near cheerleader cool. On a scale from 1 to Zack Morris, I was behind Screech. I was the one wearing glasses, a turtleneck, and some hammer pants. Don’t even get me started on my big, curly, unruly hair.”


“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”


“Oh, trust me on that one. It was that bad”


“I would still date you.”


“You wouldn’t even look at me. You would be too distracted with the entire cheerleading squad chanting your name. Roy! Roy!”


“Yeah. Maybe.”


They both chuckled. Pam didn’t know if it was the place or the fact that she would be finally fulfilling her grilled cheese craving, but she began seeing Roy under a different light. He was very charming in a clumsy sort of way. It was probably her pregnant hormones talking, but she was glad she had accepted his offer to come.


“Here are your grilled cheeses,” the waitress said placing the plates across from them.


“Thanks,” Roy said.


“Thank you,” Pam said.


Without any preamble, Pam began devouring her grill cheese. Roy had been right. It was really good; it even exceeded her expectations.


“If we didn’t live under the same roof, I would think you weren’t being fed.”


“This is really good,” Pam said around a mouth full. She felt slightly embarrassed – her cheeks were probably as red as the table cloth. “Sorry.”


“No need.”


After almost swallowing her sandwich whole, Pam noticed that Roy was only sipping his beer and had only picked at his grilled cheese. “Are you not hungry?” She asked.


Predicting where Pam was going with that question, Roy said, “You can have it if you want.”


“No, no. I shouldn’t.”


“I’m not going to finish it.


“You sure?”


“Yeah.”


Roy pushed his plate towards her and his grilled cheese became another victim of Pam’s craving. There were only crumbs left to tell the story. The waitress returned and refilled her water and offered Roy another beer, but he said no.


“Any deserts?” She asked.


“Want to share a desert?” Roy asked.


Pam was suddenly struck with silence. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Truth was, Pam wasn’t ready to share a desert with him. “No,” she declined. “I-I’m full.”


“Okay, here’s the check.”


“Thanks,” Roy said.


After the waitress left, Roy smiled at Pam. It was a different kind of smile. He took one last sip of his beer, placed the empty glass on the table, and said, “Can I ask you something?” Roy watched the way her fingers were tapping the surface of the table, how she was licking her lips in anxiety. He looked down at his own hand, then gazed up at her, wondering if she knew what he was about to ask.


“What do you want to ask?”


“It’s just… Who’s the baby’s father, Pam?” Roy said. The alcohol gave him just enough kick to compel him to finally get that question out of his chest.


“Umm…..” Pam was taken aback by the question. “It’s um… none of your business.”


“Is that why you ran away?”


Pam was silent.


“Did he hurt you?”


“No,” Pam said shaking her head. “It was nothing like that.”


“What happened that day? You were crying.”


Pam bit her bottom lip, looking anywhere else but him. This was not something she wanted to talk about.


“I want to help.”


“Your family is already helping me plenty, Roy.” She looked at him briefly and for a moment his blue eyes seem paler than she remembered.


“I know. But I want to help. You can trust me,” he said and slowly slid his hand closer to hers on the table. “Why are you running away? Better, what are you running away from?”


Pam didn’t know how Roy was breaking every barrier she’d put up. She felt more vulnerable today than ever before. “No one can know this,” she began. “They will take my baby away.”


“What? Who’s going to take your baby?” Roy said with anger in his voice. “Pam, what happened?”


“I um… I told my boy—ex boyfriend that I was pregnant and he said I was after his money. Apparently his family has a fortune and he thought I got pregnant to bribe him or something. It’s not true,” Pam said with tears glazing her eyes. “I didn’t do that. I would never, ever do that.”


Roy was silent.


“He then told me I didn’t have to worry because his family you take care of the baby and I would get what I wanted. “ Pam wiped the tears now rolling down her cheeks. “I was so scared. They have money. I have nothing, Roy. I would lose my baby. So I told him I wasn’t pregnant, that the results came back and it was negative. That’s why I had to leave.”


“Wow,” Roy uttered, speechless. This was more serious than he had originally thought.


“You can’t tell anybody. They will find me and they will take my baby away.”


“Hey, Hey…” Roy said, this time placing his hand over hers. “No one is going to take your baby from you. No one. Do you understand me?”


Pam just gazed at Roy.


“You are rolling with the Anderson’s now. You don’t have to be scared.” He stared at their hands then raised his eyes to hers. “We’re family, so we should hug on it, don’t you think?”


Pam smiled. “Okay.”


They stood up and she stepped into the circle of his arms and wrapped hers around his waist. His chest was solid, his heartbeat strong and the sensations that enveloped her was something she had felt before, something that had been missing from her life. Her feelings for Roy weren’t as strong as the arms that held her, but she appreciated all he had done for her.


“Thank you,” she said into his shirt.


“You can always count on me.”
***

Jim was looking at Karen from across the conference room table. She was smiling at him and suddenly he found himself smiling back at her. They had been spending a lot of time together, starting the process of getting to know one another. There weren’t labeling their relationship just yet. Well, at least he wasn’t, mainly because he wasn’t ready to be Karen’s boyfriend when inside he still felt like he heart belonged to someone else.


“Jim can you take care of that?” Josh asked.


“Umm… Yeah, I um... I’ll follow up with the... plan.”


“Good. Karen, can you make sure Glyco is on board with the new contract?”


“Yeah.”


“Okay. That’s all for today.”


Everyone began exiting the conference room except for Jim and Karen. She was collecting a few sheets of paper scattered on the table and he watched her. He knew she wanted to be more than friends. She wasn’t the most subtle person. The thing about Karen that made Jim levitate towards her was that she was nothing like Pam; otherwise, it would be too painful to be in her presence.


“Halpert, you coming?” Karen said, motioning towards the door.


“Umm… Yeah....”


“Are you alright? You seem a little spacey today.”


“I’m fine.” He said and smiled.


They exited the conference room and returned to their desks. Jim continued thinking about Karen. She would fit in his life. She would be a fun distraction while he fought to get Pam permanently out of his head. It wasn’t going to be easy. When two pieces of cardstock are glued together and someone tries to separate them, both pieces are torn apart. They will never be the same. When Pam left she took pieces of him with her. Maybe Karen could fill the empty void Pam left.


“Hey, Halpert,” Karen said from her desk.


Jim turned and said, “What’s up?”


“Do you want a ride home today? Your bike doesn’t come with a hood,” Karen said and pointed out the window.


Jim looked outside and saw the raindrops sliding down the glass. Great. “Um… sure. If you don’t mind.”


“Not at all. Maybe we can grab dinner?”


Jim thought about what her question really meant. The idea of Karen filling the emptiness he felt seemed plausible just a minute ago. But now that the prospect was staring him in the face, the idea scared him. Maybe he wasn’t ready for another relationship. “Actually, I have a thing tonight and—”


“Oh, that’s fine,” Karen said and smiled.


Though Karen tried masking her disappointment, Jim saw all kinds of sad in her face. He turned around and for the rest of the day he kept himself busy. He couldn’t face her. He couldn’t keep doing this to her. It wasn’t fair. If they had a future, it would happen naturally. So, when five o’clock came around, he got up and began putting his stuff in his messenger bag.


“Looks like the rain stopped,” Jim began.


“Oh, yeah.” Karen said, but didn’t lift her eyes from the expense report she was filling out.


“Hey um…” Jim began. “I guess I don’t need ride today, but,” he said and her eyes met his. “Maybe we could do dinner tomorrow night? I’ll pick you up.”


Karen was taken aback, but only for a second. Pushing her hair behind her ears she replied, “Okay, I like that.”


Jim noticed a smile tugging the corners of her mouth.


“Okay then. Tomorrow.”


“Tomorrow,” she said.

*


*



We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood. ~William James




Pam watched the black and white ultrasound screen as the doctor moved the wand over her growing belly. What used to be a small blimp on the monitor looked more like a real baby now, with little arms and little legs, a tiny nose and eyes, and a round little head. As the baby moved on the screen Pam could feel the slight flutters inside of her. The fast heartbeat echoed in the small room and Adele, who was seated next to Pam, beamed, hearing the tiny thumps.


It didn’t seem like it, but Pam was more than half away along. She couldn’t believe that in a few short months she would be holding a small little bundle in her arms. The Andersons, especially Adele, were just as anxious to meet this child as Pam was. It was hard not to get caught up in the bliss of everything surrounding this baby. Even Joe, who was very distant and careful about their situation, became very present and participative in anything that involved Pam and the baby.


“Everything looks good, Pam,” the doctor said. “We got all 12 fingers and toes.”


Pam chuckled. “Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?”


“Don’t you want it to be a surprise?” Adele asked.


“I do. But…I just want to know if you can tell.”


The Doctor smiled. “Don’t you think you’d be tempted to know if I tell you?”


Pam bit her bottom lip. “Okay, okay. I don’t want to know.”


“Because your baby seems to be a bit of an exhibitionist at the moment,” the doctor said, pointing at the monitor.


Pam pushed herself up on her elbows. “Where?”


Adele stood up and gazed at the monitor. “Oh, Dear. I can’t tell the difference between an arm and a leg.”


“Do you want to know?” The doctor asked.


“Yes! Um…. No, no… I don’t want to know,” Pam said, shaking her head.


“Okay. You can always give me a call if you change your mind. You’re all set for today. Please schedule your next appointment with Jodie at the front desk.”


“I’ll do that,” Pam said, pulling down her shirt.


“I’m happy everything is okay,” Adele said.


“Yeah, me too.”


They exited the doctor’s office and on the way home, they stopped by the Anderson’s publishing company. Adele wanted to show Joe and his coworkers the sonogram pictures of the baby. Adele might not be the baby’s blood grandmother, but she was already at heart. Pam didn’t know how this would work out in the end, but she hoped that Adele continued to be in her child’s life. One thing was certain; there was enough love to go around for this baby.


“Hi Mrs. Anderson,” the receptionist said.


“Hi, Mandy. How’s everything?


“Everything’s good, you?”


“I’m doing just fine. How’s Jack doing?”


“He is walking and starting to talk now. He’s a joy.”


“Oh, I’m glad to hear,” she said. “You’ve met Pam, right?”


“Yes, I have. How’s the baby coming along?”


“Good,” Pam said sheepishly.


“We have pictures!” Adele piped up, pulling out the black and white sonogram prints. Pam watched the excitement oozing out of Adele’s words as she retold all that had happened at the doctors. In the mean time, the baby fluttered and Pam’s hand traveled to her growing belly.


“Everything okay?” Adele asked.


“Oh yes. It’s just um… moving,” Pam explained.


“Ohh, may I?” Adele asked motioning towards her belly.


“Oh yeah. Here, give me your hand,” Pam said, guiding Adele’s hand to where the baby had just fluttered. They waited in silence and Adele’s anticipation was rawly palpable on her face. But Adele wasn’t able to feel anything.


“I guess the baby’s back to sleeping again,” Adele said affectionately rubbing Pam’s belly.


Pam smiled, but a bit of something sad curled inside her. Jim should be here. He should be the one to feel the baby move. He should be the one going to the doctor’s appointments with her. It was always sad to see couples in the waiting room, while she had no one.


“Joe is in meeting now,” Mandy said, “But he shouldn’t be long.”


“We’ll wait here.”


Joe was meeting with a new investor. Business had been slowly declining and everything had spiraled downward since the onset of Adele’s illness. The company became too much for Joe to handle and he had thoughts of selling it. That was when Kenny decided to return to Philadelphia to help his dad with the company. But business had steadied and Joe found someone who was interested in investing in his company.


Pam hadn’t known how serious their financial problems were. It’s wasn’t something they shared or even admitted to anyone. To an outsider, the Anderson’s business was extremely sound. But like every other business, they hadn’t been immune to the crumbling economy.


They were seated just outside Joe’s office when the door opened and he stepped out with two gentlemen dressed in perfectly pressed, dark suits. As soon as Joe saw Adele and Pam, he walked the short distance towards them.


“Gerry, Rob, this is my wife Adele and this is Pam.”


Gerry looked familiar. Pam couldn’t pinpoint where she’d seen him before, but something about him struck a chord with her. He shook her hand, then Adele’s, but kept his gaze fixated on her. Pam immediately felt self-conscious. Pam swears he even blinked a few times as if to make sure she was actually standing in front of him.


“I-Is this your daughter?” Gerry asked.


“I guess you can say she’s our daughter,” Joe said and smiled. “She was our late son’s girlfriend.”


“Oh,” Gerry said a bit surprised.


“She’s expecting our first grandchild,” Adele said.


The man’s face turned ghostly pale. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He looked as if someone had punched him in the stomach. He finally got himself together and said, “C-Congratulations.”


“Thank you,” Joe said.


“How far along are you?” He asked.


Pam hands traveled protectively to her belly. “Five months,” she said.


“Oh, that’s… great,” he said and took a cloth from his pocket and wiped his forehead. “Your name is Pam, right?”


Pam frowned. “Yeah.”


“Okay,” he said, exhaling for what it seemed like the first time since he laid eyes on her. He then turned to Joe and said, “I will be in touch with my lawyers and I’ll personally get back to you.”


“No problem. I’ll be waiting,” Joe said.


They watched as both man stepped outside to an awaiting town car. Joe looked at Adele and both smiled. They knew if they chose to invest on his company, they wouldn’t have to sell it. The future of Anderson’s publishing lied solely on the hands of that man (and his money).


“How did the meeting go?” Adele asked.


“It went fine. They seemed interested and even suggested a few business strategies for the future,” he said and exhaled. “All that it’s left to do it wait.”


“We can wait.” Adele said. “Now, let us show you the sonogram pictures.”
***


Jim was walking to his car when his cell phone began ringing in his pocket. He fished it out and groaned when he saw the caller id.


“Hello, dad,” he said unenthused.


“Hey Jimmy. How’s Stamford?”


“Fine.”


“How’s Karen?”


“She’s good. If you are calling in mom’s behalf to persuade us to come for Thanksgiving, don’t.”


“No, don’t come,” Gerry said, a little too hasty. “I mean, you don’t have to come.” He cleared his throat. “I called because I wanted to ask you a couple of question about your lady friend from Scranton. Do you know where she is?”


“Whh…Why do you want to know?” Jim said. “I thought you knew everything,” Jim said bitterly.


“I just want to make sure she’s not going to put us at risk.”


“I don’t know where she is.” Jim said sadly. “I haven’t spoken to her since the day after you paid me that little visit in Scranton.”


“How much did she know about us?”


“I didn’t even get a chance to tell her anything, dad. She doesn’t even know my real last name.”


“Oh!” Gerry exclaimed. “Thank goodness.”


“W-What’s this about? D-Do you know where she is? Did you see her somewhere?” Jim said and as the words rolled out of his tongue, his heart jumped to his throat in anticipation.


“No, no… I don’t know,” Gerry sad indifferently. “I just wanted to make sure she… wouldn’t pull something like Katy did.”


“Pam wouldn’t do that.”


“You never know, Jimmy.”


“She just wouldn’t, dad. Not her.”


“Alright, son. I have to go now. And don’t worry about coming here for Thanksgiving. I got you covered.”


“Okay, Bye, dad.”


“Bye, Jimmy.”


Jim hung up his phone and shook the thoughts out of his head. He had been really good at not thinking about Pam. He was with Karen now and he liked her. It took him sometime for him to reach a point in which he allowed himself to relive those months he spent in Scranton without falling into a precipice of anguish.


“Hey, Halpert,” he heard Karen call.


“Oh, hey.” Jim turned around and saw Karen exiting the office building. “I thought you were staying to finish the Simmons’s report.”


“I was, but then… I decided not to,” Karen said and smiled.


“Nice.”


“So, who were you talking to on the phone?”


“Oh um…. My dad.”


“Oh hey, that reminds me…Are we still doing Thanksgiving at your parent’s? ’Cause we could totally go. It will be nice to meet your family.”


“Nah… I don’t want to go.”


“I don’t know what you have against your family. They seem really nice.”


“Yeah… I’m just… not up for it this year.”


“Okay, would you be up to going with my family?”


“No,” Jim said way too quickly. It didn’t go unnoticed by Karen. “It’s just…” He tried to mend it, but how could Jim say what he wanted to say without Karen taking it the wrong way? “Isn’t it too early for us to meet each other’s family?”


Karen frowned. “Too early?”


“We’ve been dating for what? two months?”


“We’ve been dating for three months,” Karen said and began walking to her car. “Whatever, Jim. You do what you want to do.”


“Karen,” Jim called as she briskly walked away. “That’s not what I meant. You know that I—”


Karen either didn’t hear or didn’t care about what Jim had to say because she got in her car, slammed the door shut, and sped out of the parking lot. For some reason, Jim was okay with that. It didn’t matter what anyone said, including Karen, it was way too early for him to meet her family. There were only going out for what, three months? They were not there yet.


“I’m really excited to show my mom around. She really wants to meet everybody.”


“Oh yeah,” he said.


“Mmm-hmmm.”


“Good cuz I have a lot of questions.”


“Oh really.”


“Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?”


Pam laughed. “But seriously, are you okay with meeting her today? It’s just that she’s only back for a couple of weeks and then she’s on a plane again to God knows where.”


“I’m totally okay with meeting her. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”


“I don’t know... we’ve only been dating for a couple of months. Don’t want that to pressure or—”


“Pam, I would have met your mom on our first date.”


What Jim had said was true. He would have had no problem meeting Pam’s mother on their first date. In fact, he wouldn’t have had a problem marrying Pam on the first day he met her. He knew he had found the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life. So, meeting her mother when they were only a couple months into their relationship was never an issue. But for some reason, meeting the Filippellis definitely rubbed him the wrong way.


It was not that he didn’t think Karen was the one. Their relationship had potential. It was just… too early for them. All relationships are not made equal. They are all different. Not bad, not good – just different. But Jim wouldn’t remain in a relationship where he thought nothing would come out of it. Would he? Without thinking, he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Karen’s number.


“What?” Karen answered heatedly.


“I just wanted you to tell your parents to set an extra seat on their dinner table on Thanksgiving.”


There was a small pause and Jim could almost hear her smiling.


“Why did you change your mind?”


“I was overreacting.”


“No kidding?”


“Can I come over tonight?


“Sure.”


“I’ll be there at seven.”


“I’ll be waiting.”


Jim hung up the phone and something new curled inside him. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but it felt really good. Perhaps, he thought, that’s what moving on felt like. He didn’t feel guilt or remorse, like he sometimes did. Agreeing to spend the holidays with Karen felt liberating. Jim was on step closer to regaining his life back.
****


That same night, during dinner at the Anderson’s house, Joe stood up and raised his glass. “I would like to propose a toast,” he said.


Everyone seated at the table stopped eating and waited curiously to hear what Joe had to say. He raised his glass to his eye level and said, “To the future of Anderson’s publishing!”


There was a beat of silence before Roy asked, jumping to his feet, “They’re investing on us!?”


“Yes! I got the call today.”


“That’s wonderful news Joe,” Adele said standing up and hugging her husband. “I knew they would.”


“Wow, that’s amazing!” Pam said.


“Okay, so let us all raise our glasses, except you Pam,” Joe said, jokingly, “To Anderson’s Publishing and Halpert’s Enterprise working together.”


“To Anderson’s Publishing and Halpert’s Enterprise,” everyone chanted.

*


*



There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. ~Tennessee Williams (Thomas Lanier)


Jim sat at his desk raking his fingers through his hair. The Stamford branch was closing. His options were to return to Scranton or go home. Those weren’t actually options, if you asked him. It was the same as choosing whether he wanted to jump off a cliff or off a bridge – the end result would be the same. Returning to Scranton would be torturous, especially with Karen in tow. Returning home would destroy everything he accomplished in the past year. He was not the prodigal son. There was no way he would be returning home.


But what other options did he have? Pardon the cliché, but in this economy it was easier finding a needle in a haystack than a good paying job. Jim was stuck. Unlike Karen, who felt free as a bird, willing to follow him to Scranton, whether or not she was offered a job. He thought she would commiserate with him, but that was not the case.


“You would move to Scranton?” Jim asked surprised.


“Yeah, why not? What’s so bad about Scranton? You make it seem like this horrible place. Have you seen their numbers? They actually do better than us.”


“I don’t know if I want to go back there. New York is forty five minutes away.”


“There are no openings in New York.” Karen sighed. “I know something happened to you in Scranton. I wish you would just tell me and maybe we could move past this.”


“Nothing happened in Scranton. I just… don’t want to go back there.”


“Just… think about it.”


He had thought about it. He came to the conclusion that a third option was the way to go – whatever that would be. It was out there, he just had to find it. His fingers continued to rake through his hair as he read through a list of post-graduate programs. He could go back to school and occupy himself with a generous course load – that would keep his mind off of things. Returning to school would open doors in which his dad was not waiting on the other side.


While searching through a vast list of schools, he came across one – The Pratt Institute. The school of Art and Design was having an open house for students interested in applying for the spring. He thought of Pam and how much she would love to attend a school like Pratt. This was her dream and he would have made sure she realized it. If he hadn’t screwed things up so badly, he would have kept his promise.


“Jim. Jim?” Karen called him.


“What’s up?” He said not looking up from his computer.


“What are you so concentrated on?” She asked leaning on the edge of his work desk.


“I was just looking here—”


Karen peeked at his computer screen and said, “Pratt Institute? Thinking of exploring your artistic side?” She joked.


“No. I was just looking at schools,” he said.


“Are you thinking of going back to school?”


“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “Not really.” He didn’t want to cause any alarm. “I’m mostly bored.”


“Well, I got offered a sales job in Scranton.”


Jim took his eyes off the computer screen and looked at her. “You did?”


“Yeah. Jan said we can start as early as next week.”


“Wow.”


“I know. We both have jobs now. Whew!”


“Yeah…”


“I’m going to start looking for apartments there.”


“Okay,” Jim said.


He watched Karen walk to her desk with a new bounce in her step. She really wanted this. And the funny thing was…. He didn’t know she would be so willing to relocate to somewhere as remote as Scranton. He wound up there by default, but given the choice, he wouldn’t return. Karen was sophisticated, not at all a small town girl. When he first got the news, Jim was sure Karen would pack up and go to the city to try her luck there. The last thing he thought Karen would do was agree go to Scranton.


If that wasn’t enough, the upcoming holiday season was also another issue on his plate. They had gone to Karen’s for Thanksgiving, which hadn’t been as bad as he made it out to be. But now, with Christmas just around the corner, the pressure was for them to visit his parent’s house. Karen brought up the subject a few days ago, but he was quick to dismiss it and she didn’t push the subject anymore.


Karen was not the problem this time. His parent’s were. Every year his dad threw a massive holiday party for all the employees and companies linked to his dad’s corporation. It was a well-known event and it brought a lot of media attention. It was very important for his dad to have the entire family to be in attendance. His mom had already hinted that she was preparing a guest room for Karen. The only way he would be able to get out of it was if he were dead, or missing – like last year.


But later that day, his dad called and inexplicably relieved him from needing to attend the holiday party.


“I don’t have to come?” Jim asked, baffled.


“Yeah, that’s what I said.”


“That’s it? No lectures? No asking for mom to emotionally guilty trip me into going?”


“Jimmy, you’re an adult. I don’t want you to do something you don’t want.”


“Dad, is everything okay? Is mom okay?”


“Everything is fine… I also called because I have these two tickets to Australia that I’m not going to be able to use and I was wondering if you wanted them.”


First his dad relieved him from attending his sacred holiday party, now this? Turns out, Jim had always wanted to go to Australia. He collected post cards from there ever since he was a boy. There was something about it that fascinated him. Maybe that was what he needed – to get away.


“It’s almost like you don’t want me there,” Jim joked.


Gerry Chuckled nervously. “Yep, don’t want to see you here, Jimmy.” Gerry said and cleared his throat. “Still want them?”


“Yeah.”


“Great, I’ll send them to you.”


“Thanks, dad,” Jim said skeptically.


“No problem, son. I don’t want to see you here. Just…enjoy the trip.”


Jim didn’t know what to make of his father’s kindness. It’s not like he deserved a son-of-the-year award. On the contrary, Jim had done pretty much everything that disqualified him from receiving any sort of benevolence from his dad. But maybe his dad wanted to make it up for what he had done. This was probably his way of saying I’m sorry.


No matter the reason, Jim felt like this trip couldn’t have fallen on his lap in a better time. This was the third option. He was going to pack up and leave to Sydney, Karen could come with him if she wanted to. One thing was sure now, he wasn’t staying.
***

“How about this dress?” Adele asked, holding a stripped red dress for Pam to see.


“I’m going to look like a candy cane. A big, fat candy cane,” Pam said.


“No you’re not. This is a lovely dress.”


Pam sighed. “I’m sorry Adele. It’s just…” Pam looked around at the crowds of shoppers that ambled about the jam-packed mall. “I think I’m tired. That’s all.”


“I know dear, but we have to find you a dress for the Halpert’s big holiday party.” Adele returned the dress to its rack and walked over to where Pam was. “How about we go to one more store and then we’ll go grab something to eat?”


Pam looked at Adele’s kind eyes. “Okay,” she agreed.


Pam’s pregnancy had been a walk in the park thus far. But the closer she got to her due date, the more that statement felt like a distant memory. There were a lot of annoying little aches and pains. It began with the Braxton Hicks contractions, the swelling arrived shortly after, now the baby began lodging itself under her ribs, making it hard for her to catch her breath.


She rubbed her hand atop belly, persuading the child to move down another notch. Her efforts were futile.


“Is the baby lodge in your ribs again?” Adele asked.


“Yeah, I don’t know why. You would think it would prefer staying somewhere less bony.”


Adele chuckled. “That child is already causing trouble. I remember when I was pregnant with Kenny. That boy used my bladder as a trampoline. I made sure wherever I was that a bathroom was within ten feet of me. ” She walked over to another rack of maternity dresses and pulled a simple red sweater dress. “How about this one?”


Pam looked at the dress. “Ummm… that’s actually not bad.”


“How about you go try it on?”


“Okay.”


After trying on the dress, Pam agreed to get it. She didn’t love the dress, but she just wanted to leave the crowded mall. But before she could leave, she needed to do one thing.


“Hey, can we go see Santa?”


“What?”


“I just… I know it’s silly, but I want a picture of Santa and the baby. Well, with the ultrasound.”


Adele laughed. “That is the funniest thing I’ve heard. I love it.”


Pam knew Adele would find the idea amusing and so did the parents standing in line, watching Santa take a picture holding an ultrasound picture. Adele said she was going to have the picture put on their Christmas card. Knowing her for the last six months, Pam knew Adele would most certainly do that. She even had a stocking filled with toys for the baby.


It was moments like this that Pam felt a slight tinge of guilt. Although, in her mind she had vowed to never tell Adele the truth, she often wondered what would happen if somehow the truth came out. Would Adele understand or send her packing? Pam didn’t want to know.


“I can’t wait for the baby to get here. Imagine, next time this year we’ll have a picture with the baby and Santa.”


“Yeah, I can’t wait.”
***

Karen had asked Jim to come over after work to help her find an apartment in Scranton. Karen had assumed Jim had taken the job, since they hadn’t touched on the subject.


“So, there’s this apartment on Ingle Street that looks pretty decent, don’t you think?”


Jim squinted to see the pictures on Karen’s laptop. “Yeah, looks great.”


“See, there’s a fully applianced kitchen, a walk-in closet, and it’s cable ready.”


“Yeah, that’s sounds like a keeper,” Jim said, but Karen noticed an indifference in his tone.


“Hey, I was thinking,” Karen said turning to face Jim and closing her laptop. “We could move in together. It would be way cheaper.”


“Um…I-I think… I don’t—” Jim stumbled.


“You don’t have to answer now. Just… think about it. You can sleep on it and tomo—”


“I have two tickets to Australia. Do you want to come?”


“What?”


“My dad gave me two tickets to Australia. Do you want to come?”


“Jim…. I don’t… I.…When?”


“We leave the 18th and we come back on the 27th.”


“Jim, this is a little crazy. We have to be in Scranton on the 20th.”


It took him a moment to find his voice because there’s a burning in his chest as if his heart was on fire. “I’m not taking the job.”


“What do you mean you’re not taking the job?”


“I’m not taking the job.”


“Wha…What are you going to do?”


“I’m going to Australia.”


“What about after?”


“I don’t know.”


“I can’t believe you didn’t take the job? When were you planning on to telling me?” Her eyes scorched and blazed with emotion that he had never seen before. “Jim, I’m not going to Australia.”


“Okay.” His voice was shallow as though it was squeezing itself from his throat


All the times he has known her, he had never heard the noise that came out of her when she asked him, “What has this been to you, huh? Am I just another girl to you?” “It was short, angry and strangled.


Her terrible voice made his stomach drop. Jim felt guilty. But in his defense, he’d tried to like her, tried to envision himself…But in the end, she had wound up being just another girl. At one point he thought he had moved on, but as soon as Pam’s face materialized in his head, he was back to square one. He still imagined them together, he imagined their kids….


“Can I ask you a question?” Pam said.


“Sure,” Jim said, lifting his eyes to look at her.


Am I just another girl to you, Jim?” Pam asked.


“What are you talking about?” Jim asked, leaving a small trail of kisses down her neck.


Pam pulled the covers tight around her nude body and turned to face Jim.”It’s just that I… I have been ‘just’ another girl before.”


“Not to me.”


“I’m just… I’m scared…”


“What are you scared of?”


“That you’ll love another girl and I’ll be just another notch on you bedpost.”


“Ohh sure one day I’ll love another girl,” he said and smiled. “And she will call you ‘mommy.”


Jim didn’t see any of that with Karen. He didn’t see a future, and without warning, he was angry at Pam because of who she was. Because of what she does to him. Because of how she makes him feel. He pushed his fists into his eye sockets, trying to stop the pressure from building up behind his eyes. He’d had enough. Enough of everything.


“I think we need to take a break,” Jim said.


Karen wiped a few tears off her cheeks.


“Look, I really care–” Jim began.


“Don’t,” Karen interrupted. “You don’t get to do that.” Karen walked to the front door an opened, “I think you should to go.”


“Kare….You have no idea how much–”


“Save it, okay?”


“Thank you.” Jim said pulling his jacket on.


Confused, Karen lifted her head and looked at him. “For what?”


“Lots of things.”


He doesn’t elaborate on his true meaning.

*


*



If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it. ~Toni Morrison



A new chapter had begun in Jim’s life. He had finally found a place far enough from…everything. Australia was exactly what he needed. He embarked on what was supposed to be a holiday trip, but instead he found the place where he belonged. The decision to stay was an easy one, especially because his parents, especially his father, were surprisingly supportive. Jim appreciated his father stepping down from his authoritarian podium and letting him follow his own path.


He enrolled in a local college and began taking literature courses. That was something he always wanted to pursue in college, but the pressure to follow in his dad’s footsteps had been greater that his own will. Both his brothers were MBA holders and managed branches within his father’s corporation in Boston and New Jersey. Although they rebelled at times, both still tried to fit the model their father had planned for his boys.


Jim had not been the black sheep of the bunch, far from it actually. He did really well in school and his future looked very promising. Jim excelled academically and his father was quick to see his obvious talent. Out of the three Halpert boys, Jim was the only one who his father saw as the future overseer of the company. Everything would be his someday and his father made sure he knew his future was the company.


Gerry began controlling Jim - telling him who he could hang out with, places he could go, girls he could date…Jim felt trapped in a life he didn’t want. So much of his life had become based on material profit, gains and wealth. But at what price to his personal well-being? He rebelled. He began dating girls outside the circle his dad had outlined, not because they were prettier or not as uptight, but because it made him feel in control. He embarked in meaningless relationships just because he had finally figured out that the reigns that controlled him weren’t real. It was all mind control.


It was then that Jim met Katy, a fun red-head. It was just a fling. They were never serious; at least he hadn’t thought things were serious. But Katy knew who he was and she wanted an out from her life and a rebellious rich kid had been her quick solution. She told him she was pregnant and unless he paid her a hefty amount of money, she was going public with it. Long story short, Gerry ended up having to cover the whole thing until Katy had the baby and a paternity test could be done.


The baby wasn’t his. But Katy was still able to hack a large lump of money from them. The I told you so from his father and his entire family was immediate. Living after that was torturous. That was when he left and ended up in Scranton. Pam had made Scranton the ideal place for him to live, for a while at least. The thing about Australia was that, even though Pam wasn’t there, it still held that same cathartic feeling.


While returning to his apartment after a long day of classes, Jim noticed he had two missed calls from his mother. He looked down at his watch; it was still around 10 pm there, so he risked calling her.


“Hello?”


“Hey, mom,” Jim said.


“Jimmy! I’m so glad you called. How’s Australia?”


“Everything is great here, mom.”


“How school?”


“So far, I can’t complain. How’s everything there?”


“Everything is good. Your dad and I went to a baby shower today.”


Jim rolled his eyes. His mom was about to tell him all about it. At least it would keep him entertained while he walked home.


“Your dad is investing in this publishing company and their daughter-in-law is having their first grandchild. I met them at the holiday party and they are such lovely people, Jimmy.”


“Mmmm-hmmm,” Jim hummed in agreement.


“The wife, Adele, has cancer, but it seems she’s now in remission. She says it’s because of the baby. Isn’t that just beautiful?”


“Very…”


“It’s such a sad story. The girl and their son were returning home from somewhere up state and they got into a car accident. Their son passed away, but the girl and the baby survived. It was a miracle.”


“Yeah… that is very remarkable, mom,” Jim said very matter-of-factly.


“I wish you could meet them. I bet you’d be good friends with their younger son. He’s likes all the sports.”


“I bet,” Jim said, reaching his apartment. He held the phone with his shoulder while fidgeting with the keys. “Hey mom, I just got home and I need to do some studying.”


“Oh, of course. I’ll let you go. I have to get some sleep myself.”


“Good night, mom.”


“Good afternoon, Jimmy.”


Jim chuckled to himself while opening the door to his apartment. Only his mom would call to inform him of the most unnecessary topics. But that was his mom. The last time she called was to inform him of his father’s desire to wear a kilt the next time one of his children got married. Since Tom and Pete were already hitched, that left his or Larissa’s wedding.
**


Pam was seated on the glider in her room looking at a pile of thank you cards she had to fill out. Not one ounce of her body wanted to pick up a pen to commence the long arduous process of writing thank you notes to people she barely knew. She always imagined her baby shower would be different. Not that the baby shower Adele had thrown her didn’t exceed her expectations, but she always thought it would be different.


She rubbed her belly thinking that in just two short months this baby would be here and she would finally be able to kiss that little round face she saw on her ultrasounds. She would be able to tickle the little feet that nudged her and hold the little hands that stretched all the way up to her ribs. Aren’t babies such a nice way to start people?


She heard a soft knock on her door and her reverie ended. She tried to sit up a little straighter on the glider, but her effort was fruitless.


“Come in,” she said.


Roy poked his head inside and said, “Hey.”


“Oh, hey Roy.”


“I just wanted to check on you.”


“I’m good. Tired. I don’t think my swollen feet can take it anymore walking for today.”


Roy smiled. “I bet,” he said and walked hesitantly into her room with his hands behind his back “I have a gift for you,” he said and pulled yellow gift bag from behind him.


Pam smiled. “You didn’t have to.”


“I know. But I did.”


He gave Pam the bag and she began to carefully open it. Amid all the filler paper was a small onesie that said My Mom is a Fox.


Pam chuckled. “Where did you get this?”


“I got it at the baby store. Where else would I have gotten it?”


“This was not on the registry,” Pam chided him playfully.


“I know, I know… I just thought is was…. Cute.”


“Won’t this make me seem a bit pretentious?”


“Not if it’s true,” Roy said, catching Pam by surprise.


The room grew silent as Pam slowly understood the undertone of Roy’s words.


“Roy—”


“It’s just a joke, okay. “


Pam sighed.


Roy bit his bottom lip and said, “I ummm….” He shifted from one foot to the other and said, “I really like you, okay?”


Roy’s simple confession took Pam by surprise. Although she suspected he like her, she never thought he would just admit it.


When Pam didn’t respond, Roy said, “I know it’s sudden and you might not think of me that way, but I do,” He kneeled next to the glider. “I didn’t mean to throw this on you, it’s just…” He took her hand in his. “I could be more than a fun uncle to this baby if you just give me a chance.”


“Roy… I’m um… I’m not ready to be in a … relationship right now.”


Roy hung his head.


“I like that we are friends,” Pam continued. “I want things to stay this way.”


Roy blinked a few tears and gazed up at her. “Do you still think about him?”


“About who?” Pam asked, even though she knew who he was talking about.


“You know who.”


Pam looked down at her hands. She didn’t want to admit, but there wasn’t space for Roy in her heart. No matter how hard she tried to forget Jim, she couldn’t. And how could she forget when she felt the tiny movements in her belly, watched the black and white screen of the sonograms, listened to the squishy beat of the baby’s heartbeat….


“Roy, you know this can’t work. Not under these circumstances,” Pam countered. “It would only make things more complicated.”


“It won’t,” Roy said shaking his head. “I promise you, it won’t.”


“Roy….”


“Pam, just think about it. I’m willing—”


“What do you think your dad would think of this? Or even your mom?”


“Why do you care what they think?” Roy said, his voice a bit louder than before.


“Why would I care?” Pam gasped. “Your parents have done everything for me. I’m not going to do anything to upset them.”


Roy stood up and paced around the room. “I don’t get it,” he said raking his fingers through his hair. “My parents are not the problem. Why are you still hung up on him?”


“Why do you keep bringing him up? Stop.”


“It’s just you can’t see a good thing that is in front of you because you still think about him. He’s not coming back.”


Pam’s eyes filled with tears. The baby noticed her discomfort and bundled on one side of her belly. She couldn’t look at Roy.


Roy sighed, watching the sadness ripple through Pam’s face. “Hey..um… Sorry… It’s just… I—”


“Pam?” Adele knocked on the bedroom door. “Are you in there?”


Pam wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. “Y-yes, I’m. Come in.”


Adele pushed the door open and said, “Oh Roy, you’re here too. I think you dad wants some help with the vases downstairs. Would you mind helping him?”


“Yeah, I’ll help um… Have a good night, Pam.”


“Goodnight,” Pam said avoiding his gaze. She turned her head towards the large window and stared at the full moon. Her mind was spinning. How dare Roy say anything to her? He had no idea how it felt like to not want to think about him, while having a small piece of him growing inside of her.


“Do you want me to put these to wash?” Adele asked, gesturing to the baby clothes scattered on the bed.


Without turning her head she politely said, “Yeah. That would be fine.”


Pam kept looking out the window. Roy’s words, He’s not coming back, kept replaying like a broken record in her head. She didn’t know why those words bothered her so much. It didn’t even make sense. She was the one that left. She was the one not going back.


Pam felt Adele’s hand on her shoulder. She wiped the tears rolling down her eyes and turned to face Adele.


“Sorry,” Pam exhaled. “Hormones,” she said dismissively.


“I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation with Roy,” Adele confessed.


Pam widened her eyes, “Oh um… Adele…I-It’s not what y-you think—”


“Pam, it’s okay to miss him.”


Pam was silent.


“It’s also okay to move on.” Adele walked around the glider and sat on the edge of the bed and began folding the baby clothes. “Joe and I won’t be upset if you do. As long as you’re happy, we’ll be happy too.”


“I don’t want to move on,” Pam admitted. Adele stopped folding a small onesie and looked at Pam. “I don’t want to forget him. Every time this baby kicks I’m reminded of him. I don’t know how to move on without bringing him along.”


Adele had a very sad smile on her face. “I don’t have an answer to that. But I know time heals even the deepest of wounds. I’m hoping that will happen,” Adele said placing a hand over her heart.


Even though they were talking about two different people, both Pam and Adele had lost someone – a piece of themselves. Both had hearts that weren’t ready to move on, hearts that were still mending.


“You need to get some sleep, dear. You had a long day,” Adele said, standing up. “And don’t worry about Roy, I’ll talk to him.”


Pam smiled. “Thanks Adele.”


Adele smiled and Pam watched as she slowly walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her. One thing was certain: time does heal all wounds. Pam found herself thinking that if Jim walked through her bedroom door right now, the hurt he caused would not surpass the happiness she would feel to have him back in her life. Their life.

*


*


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable ~ Sydney Smith




Jim had been in Australia for almost three months and everything was going according to his plan. He had kept himself busy with school and a part time job at a local newspaper. It didn’t leave him time to think about…anything. However, today was different. Something was off and he didn’t know why. Throughout the day he felt out of place for the first time since he arrived. Something wasn’t right.

But he shook the feeling off and went on with his day.
***


The pain was coming now every now and again. It had started as small cramps, but during the last few hours the discomfort had grown steadily worse as the contractions grew closer and closer together. Pam was breathing slowly and evenly, trying to remain calm. But the tense, tense muscles in her back only grew tighter. Part of her couldn’t wait to meet her baby, to see its little, round face and count its tiny fingers and toes. But the other part of her was terrified.


She’d felt competent to be a mother, but now that the moment was upon her, the idea of caring for another human being frightened her. She didn’t feel at all ready and just wanted to keep the baby inside her a little bit longer. She knew she could count on the Anderson’s for help, but she slowly began realizing that the curtains could close on this make-believe life at anytime.


She needed to have a “plan B” in case this didn’t pan-out. But what? What would someone like herself do with a newborn? She had no home of her own, no job, no one to help. Maybe this baby would have been better off with Jim’s parents. They could give everything it needed and more. She felt selfish for running away. She wasn’t thinking about the baby, as she previously believed. Pam was thinking about herself.


Another strong contraction hit her causing her to double over in pain. She stood up with great difficulty and waddled out of the room. Walking had helped in the past to ease the back ache. Even if walking didn’t help, she couldn’t lay down anymore. She walked the short distance between her bedroom and Adele’s and knocked on the door. But no one responded. So, she pushed the door open and found it emptied.


She began making her way back to her room when another sharp pain shot right through her, tightening all her muscles. She stopped and held her burgeoning belly, feeling all her internal strings being pulled together. Just before the agony took control, she heard a voice, “Pam,” calling faintly in the distance, her name sounding strange, even meaningless to her ears. “Pam?” She heard again, the name expanding like a sponge, gaining weight, becoming more solid, if not more familiar. Someone was suddenly besides her touching her arm, “Pam, are you alright?”


Roy’s face snapped into focus.


“Ahhh,” Pam groaned.


“Is it the b-baby?” Roy asked, coming around to support her.


Pam managed to nod, “I think so.”


“Are you having contractions?” Roy asked. His voice sounded different. His tone was huskier, even a little strained.


She had to be in labor. Either that or her body was rupturing from the inside out. “I don’t know. Maybe?” Pam said breathless.


Roy could hear all the effort it was taking for her to talk. “Okay, I think we need to get you to the hospital.”


“N-No!” Pam exclaimed. “I-I’m fine. We’ve got time.”


“Pam, I might not know anything about this, but I think the baby is coming.” Pam looked up at Roy and he saw how scared she was. “You know this is going to be okay, right?”


Pam nodded nervously.


“How about we go to the hospital, huh?”


“Okay,” Pam said. “M-My bag is in my bedroom.”


“Okay, Okay…How about I go get it and you can stay… here,” Roy said leading her to a nearby chair. “And I’ll be right back.”


Pam nodded. This was really happening. The baby was coming whether she was ready or not.


The pressure mounted again, little by little, a warning that another punch was on the way. Dread tensed her shoulders. Jim should be here. He should see his baby being born. This is a once in a life time experience and she could never give that back to him. Another sharp pain travelled through her, this time it wasn’t a contraction, it was guilt. Pam shouldn’t have kept this baby from him. He was her dad. He should see his little girl.


“Okay,” Roy returned with her duffle bag. “I have the bag and I called my mom and she will meet us at the hospital, okay?


“Okay,” Pam said.


“Hey,” Roy said helping her down the stairs. “Everything will be okay.”


The whole drive to the hospital, Pam was thinking about Jim. He didn’t deserve to miss the birth of his baby. What he did to her didn’t justify what she was about to do to him.


“I need to call someone,” Pam said, trying to sound unwary, but failing miserably.


“Who?” Roy asked not averting his eyes from the road. “I called my mom already and I’m sure mom called dad too,” he added hastily.


“It’s um… It’s someone else. I-I I wanna call…my mom.”


“Oh sure,” Roy said, fished his cell phone out of his pocket, and handed it to her.


Pam couldn’t believe she was actually going to call him. Only one thing could have compelled her to do so – the tiny person who, at that very moment, was causing her a great deal of discomfort. She took the phone from Roy and dialed the number she still knew by heart. She put the phone to her ear, not actually thinking about what she was going to say. She thought about asking him to come to the hospital, that’s all. She wasn’t going to tell him anything else.


The phone rang once before she heard three escalating dial tones.


The number you’ve dialed is not in service.


She waited a few more seconds and the message repeated.


The number you’ve dialed is not in service.


She shut the phone.


“S-she didn’t pick up,” she explained, keeping the disappointment off her voice.


“Okay,” Roy said. “You can keep trying.”


“Yeah…Maybe,” Pam said, but handed the phone back to Roy.


Once they were at the hospital Roy ran ahead with the paperwork while Adele walked her slowly through the ER and down long corridors to the OB wing.
***


Pam was lying in a strange place and somewhere in the foreign place that is her uterus her small baby was crawling towards home, or away from home. When the pain left, she knew that it hadn’t gone far, that it was sulking somewhere in the corner under the bed and it would jump out when she least expected.


Adele stayed with her. Roy and Joe came and went. Whenever Roy was in the room he shifted awkwardly while seated in the uncomfortable hospital chair. His leg seemed to have picked up vibrations in the floor as they bounced up and down furiously. From time to time he would also get up and pace around the room, looking at the tubes and the red blinking lights. Pam thought of Jim. He should the one pacing nervously, feeding her ice `chips and holding her hand.


She took a long breath.


Adele looked at her and said, “Everything will be okay.”


Pam nodded, her eyes locked with Adele’s, clinging to her words, trusting her. Her hands seized her belly, moaning as another contraction swept her body.


Time trickled by and Pam started to panic. The nurses checked her and then the doctor checked her as well. Another contraction ripped through her back and she yelped in pain. The sound was so foreign, so different from her normal modulated tone. The baby, as if noticing her discomfort, bundled even lower on her belly. “It’s okay,” she said holding her distended stomach. “You’re doing fine. You’re not hurting me.”


It wasn’t long before she found herself on the homestretch. A new and more insistent discomfort had moved around front to a spot low in her belly. Very Low. She gasped and shifted sideways onto her hip. The pressure mounted, deeper, harder, and stronger. Pam felt as if her organs were all becoming creatures, each with its own agenda, its own train to catch. She felt her baby tunneling headfirst into her, a bone and flesh excavator of her flesh and bone. Pam was exhausted. She gasped, moaned, groaned in agony.


Nearly nineteen hours after she’d arrived, the doctor came in said it was time, time to deliver that little bundle who was already crawling its way out. As the nurses began to prep her, Pam pressed her lips together tightly as her eyes drifted upward to tiled ceilings. She blinked, painting, fighting the pressure. Sweat stung her eyes. She could think of nothing but the battle raging in her body.


Adele stood next to her and she felt the baby surging, rushing and without thinking she began pushing and she did it again and again like a drill. She felt the baby coming again and the doctor said, “Ah, I see her head. Easy now. Easy.” The contraction subsided and Pam dropped her head back.


“You’re doing great. Long deep breaths,” Adele said, wiping her brow.


Pam shifted slightly, emitting a murmur of dread. Another contraction was on its way. As her shoulders rolled forward, straining, she whispered, “Don’t let anything happen to my baby.”


“You’re in good hands, dear,” Adele assured her.


Pam didn’t know how long she’d been pushing. Couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes, though it felt like a lifetime when she suddenly gave one last heaving groan and it was over. She fell against the pillows, feeling empty and released. There was about a half second delay before she heard a sound like an old vinyl record when you put the needle in the wrong groove. The sweetest sound she’d ever heard.


“Here she is!” The doctor exclaimed.


“S-She’s here,” Pam said reaching to touch the delicate, slippery wet, velvet head. Her face was so pink and creased and her eyes blindly searched and her little hands reached out. The doctor placed the small bundle over Pam’s chest and the little girl paused, exhausted by the effort, by the sheer fact of everything.


“Jim needs to see her,” Pam mumbled. The little baby stretched, her tiny face screwing up in an adorable expression. Pam’s whole body seized up with an overwhelming love, a love so powerful tears filled her eyes. “H-he needs to b-be here.”


“Who, dear?” Adele asked.
***

Jim woke up in cold sweat for the third time that night. He looked around disoriented, hovering in the place between sleep and awake. He rubbed his eyes open and looked at his alarm clock. The red numbers flashed back at him, 4:21 am. He contemplated taking something that would knock him out, but instead he decided drag himself to the 24 hour dinner across the street.


He sat in the booth and watched as rain drops began splattering against the window in the dark. Closing his eyes, he thought of Pam. He wondered what would happen if he tracked her down and called her, what it would be like to just talk to her like nothing had happened. Like the past eight months were nothing more than a dream. A terrible, terrible nightmare.


Knowing what he knows now, he would give anything to go back to the day he last spoke to her on the stairwell or back to the previous night when she told him she was pregnant. She looked so terrified and vulnerable. Jim opened his eyes, trying not to imagine the scene in his head. He failed. What would have happened if he had listened to her? What would have happened if he hadn’t accused her of playing him? Maybe she still would be with him. Maybe they would be planning their wedding, their lives together…


Why did things have to turn out this way?


A warm flush flashed throughout his body all of a sudden. He sipped his coffee, but a terrible pain rose in his throat. The feeling that something wasn't right grew distinctly stronger. He immediately wished that he hadn’t gotten out of bed at all.
***


It was the evening of little Cecelia’s first day on earth. Pam was lying on the bed in the hospital room surrounded by balloons and teddy bears and flowers while Baby Cece slumbered in her arms. Roy was sideways on the foot of the bed while Adele stood next to Pam taking pictures.


Pam was mesmerized with Cece. She ran her finger over her rosy cheeks and watched as she quietly slept. Just looking at her baby brought so much peace to her. But the way she slumbered in her arms reminded her of how… No, she wasn’t going to go there.


There was a quite knock on the door, Adele said, “Come in!” and Gerry and Betsy Halpert stepped into the room. Betsy continued walking towards Adele, giving her a hug, while Gerry stopped, hesitant. Betsy carried flowers and a small teddy bear, which Adele took and added to the pile on the windowsill.


“Pam,” Betsy said. “Congratulations.”


Gerry found a chair in the corner of the room and sank slowly into it.


“She’s just precious,” Betsy said, admiring the small, pink bundle nestled in Pam’s arms. “You have to forgive me, but I’m itching to hold her. May I?” She asked softly.


Pam nodded.


She handed Cece over to Betsy and Betsy was speechless – completely taken by the little girl. This baby evoked something in her that she couldn’t put her finger on. Her little mouth and her ears… she looked… No, she’s going crazy to think that - or…. No. Not possible.


“Have you decided on a name?”


“Yes, I’m naming her Cecelia Marie. Cecelia after my grandmother and Marie because I um….I like it.”



“Who’s that?” Jim asked pointing at a picture frame on Pam’s coffee table.


“That’s my grandma, Cecelia. She basically raised me and my sister.”


“Oh, my grandmother pretty much raised me and my siblings too,” Jim said.


“After your parents died?”


“Yeah, yeah… after my parents died. Yeah... she was the best. She passed away a few months before I moved here. She was the coolest. She loved people and she loved a full and crazy house. Nothing ever rattled her.”


“What was her name?”


“Oh Um… Marie.”



“Marie? That’s my mother’s name,” Betsy said.


“Yeah?”


“Yeah, she passed away last year.” Betsy wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “My kids were very close with her, especially my youngest boy.” She smiled at Pam. “Cecelia Marie Anderson, welcome to the world.”


Gerry, who had been sitting the whole time, stood up, visibly disconcerted. “I think we need to go Betsy. I have a meeting tomorrow morning and I’m sure Pam needs her rest.”


“I wasn’t going to stay long,” Betsy said and carefully eased Cece back in Pam’s arms. “She’s beautiful.”


“Thank you,” Pam said.


“Congratulations, Adele and Joe,” Betsy said. “Your granddaughter is perfect.”


“Thanks, Betsy,” Adele said.


“Oh! Before I go, can I take a picture for the company newsletter?” Betsy asked, pulling a camera from her purse.


“Betsy, Pam is tired and she—” Gerry said, already halfway out of the room.


“I look awful,” Pam said, combing her fingers through her hair.


“Flash is not good for a baby,” Gerry added.


“Nonsense, Pam. You’re glowing. And I’ll turn the flash off,” Betsy said, countering with Gerry.


Adele crowded around Pam and the baby, smiling for the camera.


“Everyone says cheese,” Betsy said and clicked the shutter. "We’ll visit again when you are home.”


“That will be great,” Adele said.


After Betsy and Gerry left, Adele, Joe, and Roy shortly followed, leaving just Pam and Cece alone for the first time. Pam was tired and wanted to go to sleep and yet, she just cradled the small baby, sealing Cece in her warmth. She was so perfect. Looking at her little round face reminded her of Jim. She was half his. He should be able to hold her, put her to sleep, watch her grow…


No one else would love Cece like Jim would. No one will ever say "I love you" to her as sincerely and no one would ever, ever be able to keep her safe and secure from all the bad things in this world. Not like Jim would. He would be the best dad…if only she had given him the chance.

*



*



Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown



The day had started like any other day. It was actually the first night that Jim had slept through without waking up every hour or so. He felt refreshed and invigorated. He swiveled his feet off the bed and stretched his arms above his head. Today was going to be a good day.


Before he got in the shower, he went to check his email to make sure his eight o’clock class hadn’t been cancelled, as it was the case yesterday. He clicked the outlook icon at the bottom of the screen and the email window quickly popped up. He groaned when he saw no email from his professor. He didn’t mind the class, but it would have been nice to have the morning off. There was only one new email from his mom titled, Updates.


He clicked on it and began reading the long email. He smiled, seeing his niece, Vanessa, all dressed up in her marching band outfit and his nephew, Jack, in his baseball uniform. He scrolled further down, not really reading the email, but he stopped when he reached the last picture. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. Could that be…? No... He rubbed his eyes and leaned closer to his laptop screen. Even though it was a chilly morning, Jim began sweating. His body felt like it was suddenly in flames.


“No,” he breathed. “No. God, no.” A sorrow as black as night invaded him, and he felt his throat clamping.


On the computer screen he saw Pam holding a small baby. Whose baby was she holding? Jim couldn’t comprehend the picture. For a whole minute he didn’t move. Taking the time to regain control over his breathing, over parts of him that seemed to have had a will of their own.


His heart, mainly.


He grabbed for his phone and dialed.


Listening to the ring, his heart began pumping deliriously inside of his chest while his stomach began to turn as the air in the room became increasingly thinner. The phone in his hands slipped slightly in his sweaty palms and the taste of blood in his mouth grew stronger the harder he chewed on his bottom lip.


“Hello?”


“Hey, Mom. It’s Jim,” he said hastily. Although he’d just woken up, he felt tired, drained.


“Jimmy, I’m so glad you called. Your father and I were just talking about you. We were thinking of taking a little trip there in May. Wouldn’t that be great?”


“Yeah, sure… Hey,” Jim said. The air that felt so thin earlier now felt as though it might crush him. He struggled to find the right words. “I got the email you sent and—”


“Did you see Vanessa? She’s playing the trumpet like it’s nobody’s business. Your dad and I are taking her to see Wynton Marsalas when we go to Boston next month.”


His lips had gone dry. He licked them and found his tongue had dried too. “T-that’s g-great mom. I wanted to ask you about the um…picture of the girl and,” Jim swallowed. “The baby?”


“That’s the girl I’ve been telling you about. That’s Pam. “


His mind reeled for a moment not able to wrap itself around his mom’s words. “P-Pam? Umm…?” Jim said, biting back the tears that were stinging his eyes.


“She’s the daughter-in-law of the owner of a publishing company your dad is investing in. Her mother in law was the one with cancer?”


“Da-daughter-in-law?” The words tumbled out of his mouth. Pam was married?


“Well… not really. See, I guess she was dating one of their sons but when they were traveling down to Philly from somewhere upstate, they got into a car accident and he passed. She and the baby made out okay. She’s been living with them ever since.” Betsy said with a bit of annoyance in her tone, “I told you this, Jimmy.”


It took him a moment to register what she just said. “I-I um… I forgot…” His lungs deflated as his heart began to hammer painfully against his rib-cage. “They’re f-fine, right?”


“Yeah…It was a miracle that the baby survived. She was only a few weeks along when it happened.”


“Oh….” It wasn’t possible. His throat began to hurt and his nose started to run causing him to sniff a couple of times.


“Are you feeling ill?”


“No mom…It's umm...allergies.”


“Take care of yourself, Jimmy.”


“I’m,” he said dismissively, “Hey mom, how old is the baby now?”


“She’s a few days old. She was born last Thursday. We went to visit her, and Jimmy she is the cutest thing,” Betsy said fondly.


Just a few days? A cry left his lips. Could it be?


“Jimmy, are you okay?”


Jim wasn’t sure how to describe the crumbling feeling that took place inside of him. The room felt too hot – sweat was bursting from his pores prickling his skin. Was this really happening? Was he looking at a picture of his daughter? “I’m fine mom….” He took a deep breath, “Do you know the baby’s name?”


“Yeah, she named her Cecelia Marie. It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”


Jim closed his eyes and covered his mouth as the tears now ran down his cheeks. That was his baby. Cecelia was his little girl. He had been blissfully ignorant about Pam. Now it seemed as though someone had puncture his memory safe, and every emotion that he had ever felt for her was draining out.


“Is she okay? H-How’s she?”


“Who? Pam or the Baby? Well, doesn’t matter. They are fine, Jimmy. Why are you so interested in her?”


“I-I um… I thought…” The room was swooping up and down, swaying side to side. “She looks like someone—” he said.


“You know her?”


Unable to speak, he merely sat there, the will to move, to talk, or to listen now completely gone. Of course he knew her. It was Pam. It was her. His chest seemed to be imploding and a strange tingling deep within his heart made him unable to speak.


“Jimmy? Are you still here?”


Jim felt like a man sliding down a steep cliff, clutching at shrubs and tangles of branches and coming up empty handed. “Y-Yeah,” he mumbled through lips that didn’t feel like his own. “I’m h-here…”


“You know her?”


“Umm…No,” Jim lied. “I don’t know her.”


“Okay. But Jimmy, I have to go now. Your dad is taking me to the Chateau for dinner.”


“Okay, mom.”


“Take care of yourself and Margaret will call you to arrange our visit.”


“Okay…”


“Bye, Jimmy.”


“Bye, mom.”


Betsy hung up the phone, but Jim still held the phone to his ear. He sat there looking at his computer monitor displaying the picture of Pam and Cecelia. He reached his free hand to touch the screen, running his finger over their smiling faces. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that Cecelia was his.


His hand began hurting, and he realized he was still clutching the phone with enough strength that his fingers were turning white. He slowly let go of the phone and it fell out of this grasp with a thud on the floor. Jim was momentarily numb. He didn’t know what to think. What to do. What could he do?


He stood up from his desk chair and began pacing around the room. Questions kept circling his mind. Why would Pam keep this from him? Why would she lie? Why run away when he could have given her everything she could have possibly wanted? He kept raking his mind for the reasoning why Pam would do this, but deep inside he already knew why.


He made her to this. This was his fault.


He needed to see her.


He was leaving for Philly…today.
***

Pam woke up with the morning light shining through the dappled blinds in her room. She was seated on the glider with Cece slumbering in her arms. She looked around the room and spotted Roy, fast asleep, sprawled out on the small couch in her room. He looked very uncomfortable; his face was pressed into one of those stiff decorative pillow and his arms and legs drooped over the arm of the sofa. Roy had been helping her with Cece, so that she could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.


She slowly stood up and walked over to the crib. When Cece didn’t stir, Pam carefully eased her down. For a moment her tiny arms and legs waived as if searching for mom’s warmth and her face creased up, as if she was about to cry. Pam laid her hand on her tummy until, reassured by contact, the baby finally relaxed.


Pam had been home for a few days now and was finally getting a routine down. Roy played an integral role in helping her adjust and in the process he became very attached to her little girl. Pam watched her sleep and thoughts that had been circling her head ever since Cece’s birth came front and center.


Pam wanted to do the right thing. She didn’t want to lie to Adele anymore. Bring on the consequences of her actions, she was ready for it. She deserved it. After Cece’s birth she saw things a little differently than she did before. She didn’t want Cece to grow up living a lie because she was too much of a coward to face the end results. As she marveled at her baby’s velvet skin, at eyelashes so dark and perfect, the pink rosebud mouth, Pam made a silent promise. No matter what she had to do from here, Cece would not be a part of her lie.


A hand on her shoulder snapped her out of her stupor. She turned around and found Roy standing behind her. His face was crumpled and creased and his hair was sticking up in all different places.


“Is she sleeping?” He asked – his voice hoarse from sleep.


“Yeah, I just put her down. I slept on the glider after I tried to nurse her.”


“Still having a tough time with that, huh?”


Pam sighed and nodded.


“I passed out on the couch. I don’t even remember hearing her cry,” he said still trying to wipe the sleep off his eyes. “Did you get much sleep?”


“I did. I got a few hours before she woke up.” Pam sighed and ran her finger over Cece’s rosy cheek. “She’s not the only thing keeping me up, though,” she said.


“What do you mean? Was I snoring?” Roy asked, blushing all kinds of red.


“Oh no, it’s not that,” Pam said.


“What is it then?”


Pam looked down at Cecelia then back at Roy. “Umm…” she said moving away from the crib to sit on the edge of the bed. “Sit,” she said patting the empty space next to her.


Roy frowned, but followed her instructions. “Pam, what is it?”


“I’ve been thinking,” she began a bit unsure. “I see things a little differently now that Cece is here.”


“Yeah, she changes everything,” Roy said, eyes sparkling with expectation.


“I don’t want her to grow up amidst all these lies, you know?”


The flicker of hope was gone. Roy was silent.


Pam glanced over to the crib and then back at Roy. “I can’t have her believe in something that isn’t true. This,” she said gesturing all around her, “Is not real. It’s a make-believe world that we’ve made up and she’s just being dragged into it.”


“Pam,” Roy said standing up. He looked even more disheveled than before. “You are not thinking of… No, you can’t.” He shook his head. “This is not make-believe anymore. You and Cece are family. You can’t leave.”


“I didn’t say anything about leaving. I’d love to stay here, but I don’t want to live this lie anymore. Cece’s dad is not deceased.” The words spilled suddenly and unexpectedly, came out before she could yank the leash. She immediately wished she hadn’t brought him up. She wished she could take it back.


A look of surprise passed across Roy’s face. “He might as well be. I’ve been more of a father to her and he ever was.” Roy said, sitting stubbornly back down next to Pam. “I’ve been there since the beginning.”


“I didn’t give him a chance. He doesn’t know about her,” Pam argued.


Roy just looked at Pam and the room fell silent. “Is that what this is about?”


“About what?”


“What do you think it will happen if he finds out you’ve been hiding her from him? Huh? What do you think he is going to do? I’ll tell you what he will do… He will take Cecelia away.”


Cecelia began to softly whimper and Pam was quick to rush to her crib side and take her into her arms. She looked down at her innocent little girl and thought about what Roy had just said. Pam began rocking her, holding her tight against her chest. Jim wouldn’t take Cece away, would he?


“Pam,” Roy said, standing up. “Remember why you ran away in the first place.”


Pam bit her bottom lip looking up at the ceiling, determinedly ignoring him.


Roy just wanted to take her, sweep her in to his arms, hold her, shake his person out of her mind her. Protect her from making what seemed to him to be the biggest mistake of her life. “This doesn’t have to be a lie, ya know?”


“What do you mean?” Pam asked.


“Pam,” Roy said, standing very close to her. “Stay with me.”


“Roy…”


“Don’t say anything, just think about it. We can be a family.”


Pam was silent. As noble as it sounded, it was still a lie. Adele would still think Cece was Kenny’s daughter. Cece would grow up without her real dad.


Pam sighed. “I want to tell your mom the truth.”


“Don’t. She’s finally getting better. I haven’t seen her this good…since before she got sick.”


“This shouldn’t have gone this far.”


Roy chuckled bitterly and began pacing around the room. “So, your solution is to take Cece from us, just like you took her from her father?”


“That’s not what I’m doing, and you know it,” Pam spat back at him.


“It’s what it sounds like.”


Cece began fussing again. “I- I think you should leave.”


“The truth hurts, huh?”


“Roy—“



“Don’t worry, I’m leaving. But think about the consequences of what you’re thinking of doing.”


With that, Roy left and shut the door forcefully behind him. Pam just stood there rocking Cece. “It’s okay, sweetie. Everything’s okay.”


Everything will be okay.
***

Jim sat in a window seat aboard an American Airlines flight, watching pair of uniformed airline workers remove the wheel chocks. The plane taxied out of the terminal and, soon, he was airborne, cutting through the clouds. He pulled the print out picture of Pam and the baby from his pocket and rested his head against the window – drifting, wondering, imagining…

*


*



Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. ~Aldous Huxley




Twenty minutes after his flight landed in Philly, Jim was sitting on shredded upholstery in the backseat of a taxicab on his way…home. The driver drove nonchalantly through the streets Jim knew so well. The last time he’d traveled those roads was more than an year ago going the other direction. Pam would be the only reason he’d be back to the one place he vowed to never return.


He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what he was going to do exactly. Thinking about everything made it hard to breathe. He opened his mouth, ordering his lungs to draw in air, but he felt as if he was breathing through a drinking straw. The image of the little baby in Pam’s arms had created a fog in his mind, disabling his every coherent thought. All the effort it took for him to finally be able to live without Pam, now seemed in vain. He felt like a gerbil in a wheel—run, run, run, no traction, no ground, and all an illusion.


So far the idea of seeing her again had a dream-like quality in his head. He’d been waiting for this day for so long that his mind was still reeling in a backwash of doubt. One thing was certain: he was not going to confront her. The last thing he wanted to do was push her away. He wouldn’t be able to face himself in the mirror every morning knowing he hurt her any more than what he already had.


As soon as the cab stopped in front of his parent’s house, an awful feeling lodged in his throat. He paid the cabby, pulled his backpack strap over his shoulder, and stepped outside. He took a lungful of air and walked to the front door. He rang the door bell and its chime was cacophony to his ears. Martha, their housemaid, answered the door.


“Mister Jim?” she said in her thick accent.


“Hey, Martha,” Jim said and hugged her. “It’s nice to see you again.”


“I can’t beeelive me eyes!” She said enthusiastically. “Mrs. Halperrr,” She called. “Mister Jim’s home!”


Jim hesitantly stepped inside and listened as the clicks of his mother’s heels grew louder. He racked his fingers through his hair and waited for her inevitable shrills.


“Jimmy!!” Betsy exclaimed, walking briskly towards him.Click-click-click.. “I can’t believe you’re standing here! Is everything okay? What happened?”


“Oh, nothing. It’s um… spring break there, so I decided to surprise…you.”


“What a wonderful surprise!” She said and pulled him into a big tight hug. “Your dad will be elated to see you. He’s on a business trip, but should return tonight.”


“Good.” Jim said. “I can’t wait to chat with dad.” His subtle sarcasm lost on Betsy. Jim looked his mom up and down and noticed that she was completely dressed up. “Are you going somewhere?”


“I was going to visit the Anderson’s granddaughter.”


“T-The um… baby from the picture?”


“Yeah,” Betsy said. “But I can go there tomorrow. We should—”


“No!” Jim exclaimed, causing his mother to frown. “I mean, you gave your word. You should go. I umm… I’ll accompany you and we can do something after.”


“Are you sure? It’s not a big deal, Jimmy. I’ll just tell them—”


“No, no…. I don’t want to interrupt your plans. I’ll just…go with you.”


“Really?”


“Yeah.”


“Okay then. Muniz is waiting for us outside.”


Jim followed his mother to the waiting town car and folded himself inside. This was it. There was no turning back. He wondered if his mother could see right through him because he was certain all his emotions were visibly raw on his face.


“So tell me about Australia,” Betsy prompted him, patting him slightly on his leg.


Jim briefly mentioned school and work, but veered the conversation elsewhere. He wasn’t up to talking about…anything. He was more preoccupied with what he was going to tell Pam once he saw her. But he was even more concerned with her reaction. She ran away from him. What would hinder her from doing it again?


When they arrived at the Anderson’s house, Jim’s stomach began churning. An acidic taste began rising in his mouth and he felt utterly dizzy. As soon as Betsy pressed their door bell, Jim began feeling his blood pulsating in his ears. Their housekeeper promptly opened the door and led them inside. Jim stepped cautiously over the threshold, looking around the foyer as if waiting for something to jump up in front of him.


“I’m going to inform Mrs. Adele you’re here.”


“No problem,” Betsy said.


Not a minute later an older woman with a scarf wrapped on her head walked in to greet them.


“Betsy!” she exclaimed. “It’s so good to see you.”


“I hope I didn’t come on a bad time.”


“Nonsense. I was just about to go check on my Cecelia. “


As soon as Cecelia’s name was mentioned Jim felt something new churning inside of him. Something he had never felt before. He felt…protective of her? She was his – his Cecelia.


“Adele, this is my youngest son, James,” Betsy said.


Jim extended his hand to Adele and strained for a smile, “Nice to meet you. Call me Jim.”


“Jimmy arrived from Australia today. It was a surprise,” Betsy said. “He’s tagging along with me so I can properly pay a visit to Pam and the baby.”


“Pam went for a walk, but should be back in no time. Cece is sleeping upstairs. She went down just—”


“May I use your bathroom?” Jim interrupted. “I need to… freshen up.”


“Of course. Would you mind using the one upstairs? We are working on the one down here.”


“Yeah,” Jim said. “No problem.”


“It’s the second room to your left.”


“Okay, thank you,” Jim said and began to slowly ascend the stairs. He carefully walked down the long hallway and entered the bathroom. He stood with both hands on either side of the sink and looked in the mirror at the thing insisting to be his face. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted with his pale skin, his hair stuck out in various places, and if his eyes got any more bloodshot, he was going to start seeing everything in shades of red.


He turned on the tap and scooped up handfuls of cold water and splashed his face several times. He needed to get himself together if he was going to accomplish anything today. He dried his hands and face and opened the door. He carefully stepped over the threshold looking at both ends of the hallway. Jim began to make his way towards the stairs, but he caught a whiff of something familiar coming from one of the rooms. For six months that scent had always been the first thing to greet him when he’d wake up in the morning. He slowly pushed the room’s door open and his breath caught in his throat. This was her room.


Everything about the room was so familiar and yet completely different. The book left haphazardly opened on the night stand, the throw over the bed, the cardigan over the arm chair, even the way the clothes were folded on top of the bed took him back in time to her little apartment back in Scranton. If he closed his eyes he could smell her wonderful scent, but this time there was a new fragrance mixed with hers.


He looked in the corner of the room and there he saw a crib, bathed by the afternoon light. He exhaled slowly and without thinking he began taking measured steps towards it. When he got close enough he saw a tiny baby wearing a pink stocking cap and a footed onesie. His eyes traveled to baby’s button nose, down the curve of her flushed cheeks, to her little mouth, sucking diligently on a pacifier, and finally to her full baby belly, that rose and fell with her calm breathing.


A small cry escaped his lips.


He tentatively reached inside and ran his finger over her rosy cheeks. The small baby flinched slightly, kicking her little legs in the air. His eyes began to sting and he blinked a few times to shoo away the tears that were trying to escape. In spite of everything, he hadn’t quiet believed this baby actually existed.


He doesn’t know how long he’d been standing there, staring at Cecelia. He was afraid that if his attention wandered for an instant, she would disappear. But his trance was interrupted when he heard the bedroom door screech open. He swiveled his head to see who it was and as soon as he saw a glimpse of auburn hair he felt like he was hovering in another dimension, looking down at himself from above.


She had her back to him, saying something along the lines of, “I think she’s waking up…”


Jim braced himself, staring at the ceiling. He tried to breath and couldn’t. He tried to blink and couldn’t. The moment felt surreal – no, not surreal, absurd – it had knocked the breath out of him, brought the world around him to a standstill.


This was it.
***

Pam walked back into the house after going for a short walk around the block. She entered through the kitchen and took the baby monitor from the counter and turned the volume up high. She listened carefully, but…nothing. Cecelia was still asleep. She opened the fridge and took a water bottle and walked into the living room.


“Oh, Pam…” She heard someone call.


She lowered the water bottle from her lips and saw Betsy standing there with Adele. “Hey, Betsy,” she said.


“How are you?”


“I’m doing well.”


“I’m glad to hear it. I came to give you a proper visit. Gerry was in such a rush at the hospital,” Betsy said, rolling her eyes.


“Don’t worry about it. But if you don’t mind,” Pam said sheepishly, “I’m going to freshen up a bit and I’ll be right down.”


“Oh, of course. Take your time. Adele was just telling me how little Cecelia is keeping everyone up at night.”


“Oh, yeah… she’s got the lungs…”


“Kenny wasn’t a big crier, but Roy wouldn’t stop until his belly was nice and full …” Adele commented.


Adele and Betsy continued sharing stories while Pam slowly excused herself from the conversation. She walked up the stairs and just as she was about to enter her room, Adele called, “Pam, is Cece still sleeping?”


She turned towards the stairs and said, “I think she might be waking up.” She turned back and pushed the door all the way open.


“Oh my God,” she said and the water bottle she’d been holding, fell out of her grasp. A jolt of fear, as powerful as an electrical shock, ripped through her. “W-wha…What are you d-doing here?” She blinked a few times to make sure she wasn’t just seeing things, and that her mind hadn’t decided to materialize her intimate dreams.


“I-I…” Jim couldn’t formulate an answer. Having Pam so close to him after all these months caused a sensory explosion inside his head. “I c-came to s-see you.”


“H-how? I-I…” Pam shook her head and bent down to pick up the water bottle. This couldn’t be happening. “Whh…why? H-how?”


Jim turned and looked inside the crib, then back at Pam. “Is s-she mine?”


The question hit her like a hammer between the eyes. She felt the color drain from her face. Her legs went cold. Numb. “H-How did you find me?”


Jim slowly exhaled, took a few steps towards her and said as evenly as he could manage, “Pam, is she my daughter?”


She looked up into his eyes and felt her knees wobble a little at the intensity at his stare. But before she could answer, the bedroom door flung open and Betsy and Adele entered the room. Pam quickly turned away to hide her tears.


“Oh, there you are,” Betsy said to Jim. “We thought you were lost, Jimmy. I see you’ve met Pam.”


“Umm...” Jim said and cleared his throat.


“Pam, this is my youngest son, Jim.”


Pam wiped her eyes quickly and extended her hand to Jim, working hard to keep her voice, calm and in control. “I-It’s umm…nice to meet you.”


He walked a few steps towards her and slowly brought his hand closer to hers. The minute the heel of their hands touched a flash of something warm travelled through their veins, raising every hair on their bodies.


“I-It’s nice to meet you too,” he mumbled, clinging to her hand as if his life depended on never letting go.


Adele and Betsy walked around them towards Cecelia’s crib and everything surrounding them disappeared. Sight, sound, hot, cold - none of it existed as Jim and Pam tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening.


“What do you guys say?” Betsy asked and the world rushed back in. Pain and noise return, not in small pieces, but large: a bombardment.


“What?” Jim said, turning towards his mother while Pam’s hand slowly fell from his grasp.


“How about we all go out to lunch?” Betsy repeated.


“I-I think I’m tired. You know…” Jim’s face twisted and strained to stay composed. “I need... to umm…rest. Long flight,” Jim explained.


“You must be exhausted,” Adele chimed in.


“Yeah, I’m,” he said and looked at Pam. “I need to go home and rest.”


“How about you, Pam. Lunch?”


“Oh, I just ate and Cece… she’s still sleeping. You umm…never wake a sleeping baby,” Pam chuckled nervously, attempting to mask the turmoil raging through her. “Rain check?”


“No problem, dear,” Adele said. “I guess it will be just you and me.”


“Jimmy, do you mind calling a cab from here?” Betsy asked.


“I-I um…can call a cab.”


“Okay,” Betsy said. “Go home and sleep. You do look a little pale,” Betsy said.


The women exited the room, leaving Jim and Pam alone. They still hadn’t moved from their rooted spot. The tension could be cut with a knife. Jim began to say something, but Pam raised her hand and interrupted him.


“Not here,” she said.


“But—”


“We can’t do this…” she gestured around them. “…Here.”


“I need to know.”


“You need to go,” she said and moved towards the crib, scooping Cecelia gingerly out. With knees trembling, she retreated to the other side of the room. “You can’t stay here.”


His eyes searched hers and for the first time he saw a hint of terror. Jim watched the way she clutched Cecelia tightly to her and the way she kept looking past him towards the door. He walked towards where she was standing and reach up, framing her face with his hands, barely touching her. “What are you scared of?” He whispered.


The heat of his hand seeped into her. “Don’t take her,” Pam pleaded.


A tear rolled down his cheek. “She’s mine, isn’t she?” His voice as low as a murmur.


His question was a tortured whisper that Pam had heard Jim utter many times in her dreams. Pam looked away with a face full of self-reproach. In her dreams he said those words in a fit of anger. But his sorrowful tone made her eyes fill and her cheeks burn. Pam opened her lips to say something, but not a sound followed, for there stood Jim, looking at her with a heartbreaking expression she’d never seen before.


Pam’s mouth moved wordlessly. She began to say something, but stopped and met his gaze.


She nodded.


“…a daughter,” Jim said softly, tasting the word. He felt his body go limp. His hands slowly fell from her cheeks and covered his mouth for a moment, struggling for control. Even though deep inside he knew Cece was his, hearing from Pam made it real. He took a few steps back and shook his head. My little girl. He bit his bottom lip, holding, in vain, the tears at bay. “Why did you lie to me?” He asked.


Silent tears fell down Pam’s cheeks. “I-I was scared. I t-thought you were going to take her from me.”


“Why would I do that?”


Pam opened her mouth to answer his question, but Cece chose that moment to awake with a startled cry. It was almost as if Cece sensed that something was out of kilter..


Jim watched Cece’s little face turn bright red and her little body contort in Pam’s arms. “Is she okay?” Jim asked concerned.


As soon as his words were out, Pam’s expression softened. The fear died from her eye, to be replaced by some other emotion. One she hadn’t felt in a long time. “Yeah…We probably startled her.” Pam said, propping Cece on her shoulder, while crooning softly to her.


Jim tentatively took a few steps towards Pam and placed his hand over Cece’s back and began gently moving his fingers. For one perfect moment all the pain, all the agony of the last nine months fell away. A swell of love ballooned in his chest. He tilted his head sideways watching Cece’s little face scrunch and her little lips tremble. “Are you sure she’s okay?”


“Yeah. She just doesn’t like to be awakened from her nap.”


“Oh,” Jim said. “E-Everything else is good with her, r-right?”


His concern was breaking every barricade Pam built to shield herself for him. “Yeah… everything is good with her.”


“And you?”


“I’m good too.”


“She has all ten fingers,” Jim said, moving his hand from Cece’s back to hold her little hand.


“All twelve toes too,” Pam said. That earned her one of his lopsided smiles that never failed to light up her insides and, feeling instantly guilty, she looked away.


Just then, they heard the front door open and close.


“Pam?” Roy called.


“We can’t do this here. You have to go,” Pam said with urgency in her tone.


Jim gazed at Cece’s tiny fingers tightly curled around his and a longing washed over him so intense that it was hard to keep himself steady. “I-I can’t… not until I tell you everything.”


“No here,” Pam said adamantly.


“I’m not leaving. I’m not risk losing you again.”


“I’m not going anywhere” She felt her tongue betray her as the words tumbled out of her mouth. “I-I um… I can meet you tonight. We just can’t do it… here.”


Jim looked at her hesitantly and said, “I’m staying at this hotel.” He pulled a card from his pocket and offered to her. “Meet me there tonight?”


Pam hesitated, but when she gazed at Cece’s finger curled tightly to Jim’s she couldn’t deny him. “Okay.”


Jim looked at her with pleading eyes. “I need to tell you everything,” he murmured, dipping his head in as if he were going to kiss her and stopping just a breath away from her lips, “Don’t leave, okay?”


“I won’t.”


Jim smiled and lowered his lips to touch Cece’s closed fist, the barest of brushes. “I’ll be waiting.”

*


*


Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Author Unknown


Jim left the Anderson’s house with a lump lodged in his throat. The images of the past half hour played in his mind like a silent movie. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel Cece’s small hand wrapped around his index finger and if he inhaled too deeply that sweet baby smell would swamp all his senses. There was also the undeniable pull Pam still had over his heartstrings. Jim had forgotten how it felt to be completely and utterly in love with someone, to the point where you don’t doubt for a second that they are the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.


Jim had decided to not plan his conversation with Pam. Planning had only backfired before. This time, he was simply letting his heart do the talking. But before meeting her at the hotel, Jim needed to pay someone else a visit. During the twenty six hours it took him to get to Philly from Australia, Jim was able to place all the pieces together. It all connected – it all made sense. Once again, Jim’s had been just another pawn in one of his dad’s shameless games. But this time, Gerry had gone too far.


Jim arrived at his parent’s house and chose to wait for Gerry in his study, knowing it was the first place he would retreat to once he arrived home. When Jim heard the door screech open, he slowly swiveled himself on the chair and watched his dad’s face turn ghostly pale.


“J-Jimmy? Whaa…What a-re you—”


“Surprise!” Jim exclaimed, jumping to his feet in mock excitement. “Look at you,” Jim said walking over to his dad and placing an arm over his shoulder, “You look like you just seen a ghost.”


“I-I’m just… surprised. That’s all,” Gerry said and plastered a strained smile on his face. “W-When did you arrive?”


“This morning.”


“Oh, okay. H-how was your flight?” Gerry asked, loosening the knot on his tie.


Jim was not a sadist, but he was enjoying watching his dad slowly crumble. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Gerry anything less than supremely confident. “It was long. But enough about me, how’ve you been?” Jim asked, walking towards the business board on the corner wall. “I see you’ve added a few more clients since I left. Business has been good, huh?”


“I can’t complain,” Gerry said and walked around his mahogany desk and sank on his black leather chair. “How long are you planning on staying?”


“I don’t know… haven’t decided yet,” Jim said nonchalantly.


“Don’t you have school?"


“Oh yeah… I do, but I’m taking a break,” Jim said and added under his breath, “I should probably tell my professors.”


Gerry turned, surprised. “You mean you didn’t tell them you’re taking a vacation?”


“I didn’t have time to… You see, I got this email from mom and,” Jim pulled out the printed picture of Pam and Cece and slammed it down on the table. Gerry’s jaw dropped open and his eyes, widened and tense, fixated on the photo. “I hope you understand why I didn’t have time to explain my absence to them.” Jim walked around the desk and whispered in his dad’s ears, “Ask me again how long am I planning on staying?”


Gerry’s mouth moved wordlessly. He began to say something but Jim interrupted, “I know you’ve met Pam before; you already know everything about her, right?” Jim said and slowly walked to the front of the desk and placed his hands on either side of it. “But have you met your granddaughter, Cecelia?”


Gerry’s eyes left the photo and met Jim’s.


Jim straightened and stared at his father, the anger in his eyes were building like a sudden storm. “You already knew that, right?”


“Jimmy,” Gerry began, “You got it all wrong. I have no idea wha—”


Jim chuckled sardonically. “I have it all wrong? Let’s do the math, shall we?” Jim paced around the room as if levitating off the floor. “Pam told me she was pregnant in May, that was nine months ago. Cecelia was born a week and a half ago. Coincidence? I think not. You began working with the Anderson’s in October. And for some inexplicable reason you didn’t want me here for Thanksgiving. But I gotta hand it to you… the Australia thing for Christmas? That was brilliant.”


Disturbed by his all-too-accurate assessment, Gerry argued, “Jimmy, she’s the Anderson’s granddaughter. Their son—”


“Yeah, yeah their son died…. Mom told me the story. Well, guess what?” Jim’s mouth curved upward but his look was hardly a smile. “You and I know that’s not true.”


“Jimmy, you are over thinking—”


“Stop!” Jim exclaimed, slamming the table with his closed fists. The bright alertness of Jim’s gaze focused on Gerry like a sun through a burning glass.“Stop with the charades! Do you understand what you have done? Because of you I have missed the birth of my child. I can never, ever get that back,” he said through clenched teeth.


Gerry exhaled, unwilling to admit anything that awful. “You can’t pin it all on me. She’s the one that told you she wasn’t pregnant.”


“Do you know why she did that? I’ll tell you…” Anger stirred violently in him. “Because YOU made me believe Pam was just another Katy. You said you had proof she was lying to me.” Jim raked his hands wrathfully through his hair and said, “I knew she wasn’t. But YOU kept planting your malicious seed in my head. You did this, not her. But the one thing I can’t figure out is how you knew she was pregnant.”


Gerry looked down in shame and said, “The PI I hired saw her buying a pregnancy test. I thought she was just another Katy. I had to warn you.”


“Stop trying to protect me. I can take care of myself.”


Gerry’s brow lifted and forged a series of deep creases on his forehead. He set his forearm on the table and said, “You can never be too careful.”


Jim felt sick to his stomach. “You single-handedly ruined my life. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through these past nine months? Do you have any idea how I felt looking at this picture 10,000 miles away, knowing she was mine?” Jim paced the room controlling the anger bubbling within him. “I bet mom doesn’t know that little baby, whom she’s so fond of, is actually her grandchild. She’s going to be very happy to know that Cecelia was named after her mother, don’t you think?”


“Jimmy, you could be jumping the gun here. Have you thought about that?”


“Have I thought about it? Pam and Cece are ALL I think about,” Jim spat back. “I knew from the second I saw this picture that she was mine.” Jim closed his eyes, running his thumb over where Cece’s fingers had been wrapped around. “Pam was pregnant in May and you sure as hell would know if she was cheating on me, right?” He said and leaned over the table so his face was closer to Gerry. “She’s mine.”


Complete silence filled the room as Gerry looked at Jim stunned.


“Don’t look so surprised. I had over twenty-six hours to prepare for this conversation. Sorry to spring this all on you,” he said mockingly. “What did you think was going to happen? Were you going to keep me away forever?”


“No… I-I would—”


“What’s the difference between Vanessa and Cecelia, huh? I heard you’re taking her to see Wynton Marsalas. Some grandpa/granddaughter bonding time?”


Gerry hung his head and layers of bitterness and shame crumbled, and fell against his chest.


“You need to acknowledge you’ve made an enormous mistake. Actually, it wasn’t a mistake. Mistakes are accidental. This was an ongoing and very purposeful scheme. The only mistake you made was judging Pam’s intentions. But then, hiding her from me, when you knew,” Jim paused and looked straight into his dad’s eye, “You knew that baby was mine. No,” Jim shook his head. “That wasn’t a mistake. It was deliberate, intentional, and downright cruel. I’ve been a father for two days and I could never do that to
my own child.”


Gerry couldn’t look at Jim’s eyes.


“You were going to keep me from my own daughter.” Jim paused for a brief moment to suppress his rage, but it was without success. “She’s your grandchild for God’s sake! This baby,” Jim said, walking to the front of the desk and pointing to the picture, “She’s part of you too.”


Gerry rested his head on his hand, defeated, looking at the picture. He kneaded his temples as a massive headache throbbed inside his head. “She looks like you, you know? Your mom thinks so too. I think that’s the main reason she’s been so doting with her.”


“Were you ever planning on telling me?”


"I thought she'd moved on. You'd moved on...”


The underlining truth in that statement hurt Jim more than anything else. “In other words, you were never going to tell me.”


“Jimmy, I was wrong,” Gerry finally admitted with a heavy gush of air. “What else can I say?”


“There’s nothing you can say.” Jim ran his fingers over his face and looked at Gerry straight in the eye, seeing something he never seen it before: fear. “I almost lost my child. Now feel what it’s like to lose yours.”


Gerry closed his eyes and his have face screwed tight with pain.


Jim stormed out of the study and out of the house. He didn’t look back. The goal of that conversation was to make his father acknowledge what he had done, to admit he was wrong. He wanted Gerry to see the extent of his actions and feel the sagging load of the consequences over his shoulders.
**


Back at the hotel, Jim let the shower pummel him, lowering the temperature gradually until it was cold enough to put life back into his body, wake up his brain. Going on 48 hours without sleep was catching up to him. He shut the water off and tugged at a white towel. He dressed and began pacing around the room, frenetically, straightening and tightening—needing to do something, anything, but stand still.


When the room’s phone rang, Jim spun towards it and clumsily picked up the receiver on the first ring, almost dropping it in the process.


“H-Hello?”


It was a woman’s voice talking on the other end. “Mr. Halpert, are you expecting a Pam Beesly?”


“Y-Yes, I am.” A shudder of relief rippled through him. She had come. “I’ll be down in a minute.”


Jim immediately sprinted down to the lobby, taking the stairs two steps at a time. When he finally caught a glimpse of her, he stopped to catch his breath, thinking he’d never been so happy to see her. He took slow steps towards the reception area until he was able to greet her without sounding like he’d just run a marathon.


“Hey,” he said.


Pam’s head quickly turned towards his voice. “Hi,” she said meekly, watching him walk towards her.


She took a few hesitant steps towards him, but stopped, as if restrained by her own legs. Pam looked down and Jim followed her gaze. It was only then that Jim noticed a blanket-covered car seat resting by her feet.


She brought Cecelia.


Pam watched as the expression on his face shifted, going from anxious to happy. She went to grab the handle, but Jim quickly offered to do so. “Let me,” he said. Pam nodded and he lifted the car seat off the floor with an involuntary gush of air.


“It’s heavier than you think,” Pam warned.


“Yeah…” Jim said, carefully holding the car seat as if it was a basket of eggs. “What have you been feeding her?”


“You know, the house special,” Pam said.


Jim smiled and looked at her. The corner of her mouth curled up just so.


A smile.


Hardly there.


But there.


Pam didn’t have to do anything to get his heart racing, the sheer fact that she was standing next to him was enough.


Although he hadn’t seen her in almost nine months, the same feelings he’d felt for her were still there, untouched, burning with the same intensity it did all those months ago - being in love with a girl like Pam was without a doubt the most effortless thing that had ever happened to him. Even before he’d kissed, hugged and taken her on a date, or done any of the things that he normally did with girls, he’d known he was in love.


“Umm… My room is just upstairs, but if you want we can go to a restaurant or we could go—”


“The room is fine,” Pam replied sheepishly.


“Okay,” Jim said and smiled.


Once they were up and in front of Jim’s hotel room, he placed the car seat on the floor and fished out the door key from his pocket. He opened the door, and held it open for Pam. She flashed an appreciative smile, but he could see caution with every move she made. Jim watched her eyes linger on the car seat as she hesitated walking inside.


“Take her,” Jim said knowing Pam was aching to do so.


She strained a smiled, grabbed the handle, and walked inside. “This is a really nice hotel,” she said.


“Yeah,” Jim agreed, watching her ease the car seat on the floor. His fingers were itching to remove the blanket covering it. “May I?” He said, dropping to his knees in front of the car seat, grasping the edge of the pink blanket.


“Um… sure.”


Pam held her breath as she watched him slowly pulled the blanket off, revealing the small baby girl, cozily asleep inside. Her little head was slightly tilted to the side and her pink lips puckered out. Dark eyelashes curled against rosy cheeks, and her round little head had a pink headband, over the few wisps of fine blond hair.


A smile immediately pulled at the corners of his mouth. “She’s so beautiful,” Jim said in awe. His eyes held a world of emotions that Pam had never thought to see.


“Yeah.” Pam’s breath hitched in her chest and tears gathered in her eyes. God, over the past week, she imagined telling Jim about Cece, but somehow she’d never allowed herself to think about him actually meeting her. Watching his gentle care with their baby made her heart weep and every emotion inside of her came rushing to the surface. There was something so tender, so poignant about this moment, that Pam’s throat felt too tight to let air pass.


“Are you hungry?” Jim asked, pulling her out of her stupor. He wasn’t looking at her, still not tearing his gaze from the tiny baby who had him so enthralled.


When she thought she could speak without hearing her voice break, she said, “N-No… I had a snack before I came.”


Jim smiled and took a few steps towards her. “Here,” he said, gesturing towards her coat. “I can take that,” he said and pulled the coat off her shoulders.


“Thank you.”


Jim placed her coat in the closet and returned to gaze at a still sleeping Cece.


“You can hold her if you want.”


Jim’s eyes brightened like that of a kid who had just been offered a year supply of candy. “Really?”


“Yeah.”


Jim pushed the protector down and slowly unbuckled Cecelia, freeing her arms carefully from the straps. Once she was released he gently scooped her out of the seat. Cece’s warmth immediately radiated through him.


“Hold her close to you,” Pam said, helping Jim settle her against his chest, taking his arm, moving it so that it was firmly beneath the baby. “Like this. So that she feels safe.”


It was hard to hide the tears surging from the back of his eyes. He tried blinking them away, but was unsuccessful.


“Sorry,” he said, unsure why he was apologizing. “It’s just…” Jim let the sentence linger hoping Pam would understand him.


“I know,” she said.


Jim moved to the couch with careful ease, so as not to awake Cece, and motioned for Pam to take a seat as well. She sat on the bed across from him, watching him nestle Cece cozily over his chest. He rubbed her tiny back with a tenderness that sliced her heart open.



Jim drew in a breath and his serious green eyes captured Pam’s.



TBC

*


*


Love is when you can be your true self with someone, and you only want to be your true self because of them. ~Terri Guillemets


Jim drew in a breath and his serious green eyes captured Pam’s.


“My dad has been manipulating my life since before I can remember,” Jim began. “From early on he made sure that my brothers and I knew that the company was our future. I went to college, got my BA, and then I went to grad school. I did really well and dad wanted to make me the company’s overseer. That was when he began controlling my every move.”


“How?” Pam asked.


“He told me who I could hang out with, who I could date. He had body guards follow me when I went out. I couldn’t move without him knowing what I was doing.”Jim closed his eyes, swallowing the bitter taste of those memories. “I felt trapped. I realized I didn’t want that life anymore. I began doing things that I’m not proud of. I rebelled. That was when I met this girl, Katy...”


Cece stirred and Jim paused watching her languidly kick her legs against his chest.


Pam leaned forward to look at Cece, dismissing the rush of heat she felt from being so close to Jim again. She would certainly not acknowledge the jump and stutter of her heartbeat.


“Is she dreaming?” Jim asked, looking down at Cece’s perfect round face.


The corner of Pam’s lips drew slightly upward. “Maybe.”


Jim propped Cece on his chest and began to tenderly rub Cece’s back. “So, Katy and I began seeing each other, nothing serious. But she saw me, a rich, rebellious kid, and saw an opportunity. Things between us fizzled and we went our separate ways. But two months later, she returned, pregnant, claiming I had forced myself on her and that she was going public with it unless we paid her a hefty amount of money. For seven months I lived in agony, but when the baby was born, it all proved to be a lie. She just wanted money. The I-told-you-so from my parents came shortly after.”


Jim’s wounded gaze bore into Pam. She could see the war going on inside him. He didn’t want to remember, and yet he couldn’t escape the memories.


“After all that had happened, I couldn’t stay in Philly anymore,” he continued. “There were more restrictions, double the number of bodyguards…I was living in a prison.” Jim sighed as those forgotten days began playing in his mind like a horror movie. “Everything crumbled down, Pam. Everyone at work looked at me differently and all the friends I thought I had… left.”


Pam remained quiet. She felt the need to say something in response, but she couldn’t think.


“So one day I just… left. I found myself in a small diner where I saw a newspaper ad for the sales job at Dunder-Mifflin.”


He leaned forward, clutching firmly to Cece. “I wanted to tell you everything. I knew the longer I waited, the worse it would be. But I didn’t know how you would take it. I couldn’t risk losing you. You were the only thing in my life that mattered.”


Pam swallowed the lump lodged in her throat and said, “You were going to tell me that night weren’t you?”


Jim settled back on the couch, cocked his head slightly and said, “I had been planning to tell you for days - waiting for the perfect moment. I did decide to tell you that night, but after I left work I found my dad standing in my living room. He had some private investigator track me down.”


“Wow,” Pam said.


“He told me that you were just like Katy and that you were pregnant.”


“What?” Pam said bewildered. “How did he know?”


“He had PIs following you too.”


Pam suddenly felt sick to her stomach.


“He told me he had proof that you knew who I was and that you were out for my money. So when you told me that night…. I lost it, Pam. It seemed that I had gone back in time and all the anguish I felt came rushing back. But this time it was worse because… I was in love with you.” Tears welled in his eyes. “I was a wreck after you left. I took the assistant manager job in Stamford. I couldn’t stay in Scranton anymore. Everything reminded me of you.”


Pam held herself tight, hugging her arms around herself.


Jim locked eyes with her, “I know this doesn’t excuse what I did. I know that. I should have listened to you and…” He let the words linger on his trembling lips. “I-I was wrong.”


Pam wiped the free tears rolling down her cheeks.


Jim looked at her with same warmth in his eyes he had when looking at Cece and said, “Pam, I’m sorry.”


There was a beat of silence before Pam said,“I’m sorry too.” Her gaze fell to her hands intertwined on her lap. “I umm…. I left because I was sacred you were going to take her from me.”


“I know.” Jim said and looked down at Cece. “I said those things because I couldn’t go through that again and I didn’t want her to be collateral damage. I would never and will never take her from you. Ever.”


Pam flashed a tight smile. “I know that now.”


Pam held her breath and watched Jim’s face, the changing expression written there as he formulated his next question.


“What happened after you left? How did you end up here?”


“Roy, the guy you saw on your way out today, he worked in the warehouse and overheard me asking Iz if she knew a place I could crash for a couple of days. He told me his brother was leaving for Philly and had a place. I agreed to go, but on our way there…”


“He crashed the car,” Jim interrupted, feeling his stomach churning. He looked down and ran his fingers tenderly over Cece’s cherub cheek.


“Yeah, he didn’t make it. But Cece and I somehow make it out okay.”


“Really? Nothing?”


“Well, there were a few bumps and burses.” Pam closed her eyes as if remembering. “I spent almost a week at the hospital, but nowhere near as bad as it could have been. So, Adele, who was really sick at the time, thought that I was Kenny’s girlfriend and that Cece was his. Joe, Roy’s dad, persuaded me to go along with Adele’s belief in exchange for a place to stay. I wanted to say no, but what would I do? I had no money, no job, and no place to go.”


“Adele doesn’t know truth?”


“No.”


“Are you going to tell her?”


“I want to, but…. It would break her heart and she’d been nothing but loving and…”


“Pam, you need to tell her.”


Her heart pinched. “I know… It’s just....” Pam sighed and veered the subject “How’d you find me…us?”


Jim noticed that was a sore subject. He wasn’t going to push it any further. “My mom actually talked about you all the time, but she never mentioned your name. On Tuesday I got an email from her with a picture of you and Cece at the hospital. I just…” He locked eyes with her. “I knew she was mine.”


Jim stood up and sat next to Pam. He repositioned Cece in his arms and with a free hand he laid it over her stomach, fingers spreading wide across her waist to encompass her abdomen in a shockingly intimate gesture. Pam’s heart quickened to his touch.


Jim’s mouth worked as if he were trying to bite back words, fighting desperately to get out. Finally as if coming to some inner decision, he blew out a breath and said, “Did you think of me while she was lying in here? When you could feel her moving? When it was just the two of you?


His voice was filled with sadness. She could almost see his broken heart. She squeezed her eyes tight shut and hung on until the jabbing guilt in her heart subsided. It was as if he had read her mind. Had he been there with her in the darkness, when the restless baby in her womb kept her awake, bringing her back to him.


She turned away, as if she couldn’t bear to look at him. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you. I really did.” She wiped the tears rolling freely down her cheeks. “When I knew Cece was coming, I called you. I know I should’ve called you earlier, and I thought about it many times. But for some reason realizing that the baby inside me was actually real and coming made everything clear. You needed to know, Adele needed to know…” Pam released a trembling breath and said, “I wanted you to be there.”


Jim cupped her chin and turned her face so that he was looking directly into her eyes. “I would’ve come back in a heartbeat.”


Cece began to stir and it wasn’t long before she began making sucking motions with her mouth.


“She’s hungry,” Pam pointed out.


Jim handed her to Pam and Cece quickly nuzzled at her chest.


“Do you need me to umm…” Jim said, trying to excuse himself. “I can go and you—”


“It’s okay. You don’t have to leave.” Pam turned and grabbed a blanket to place over Cece and herself.


Jim watched her slip a couple of buttons on her shirt open, but after a moment Pam began clicking her tongue, frustrated.


“Everything okay?”


Pam sighed. “She has a hard time latching.”


“Is there anything I can do?” Jim asked.


With the shake of her head, she drew in a deep, quivering breath. “No. I keep trying, but… she won’t… I-I think I’m just going to give her a bottle,” Pam said discouraged.


Pam buttoned her blouse and removed the blanket from herself and Cece and turned to get her bag. Hurt and longing hung over her like a darkness.


“I can hold her, while you do that.”


Pam surrendered Cece back to Jim. He laid the infant against his shoulder where she clung to him, snuffling and nuzzling into his neck.


Pam looked back at him, palming away tears that were clinging to her lashes. Pam yearned for that intimate connection with her baby. Cece was so little and she was already failing as a mother.


“Hey…” Jim said, moving next to her. His protective instincts screamed to gather her close. “What’s wrong?”


Distraught, unable to express her loss in mere words, she dismissed his inquiry and took a thermos from the diaper bag and filled a bottle with milk she’d pumped earlier. “Do you want to give her the bottle?”


“Y-Yes.”


Jim lifted the baby from his shoulder, feeling nervous as Cece flailed her closed fists in the air. He held her for a moment, looking down at the small, frustrated bundle. He kissed her little head and carefully laid her in the crook of his arm. Cece began nuzzling his shirt and her whimpers grew louder. Jim took the bottle from Pam and offered to Cece.


Cece sucked on the bottle, but she let it go and started to whimper again.


“Am I doing this wrong? Do you want to do it?” Jim said nervously, watching Cece’s face turn cherry red. A flicker of uneasiness sputtered in Jim’s chest. “Maybe you should try nursing her again.”


“She won’t…” Pam’s voice broke, “latch.”


Her tone, broken and anxious, touched him. “Anything I can help? Have you tried to um...” Jim said looking around. “Maybe you should sit here,” Jim said, holding Cece with one hand, while placing a few pillows against the headboard. “That way you’ll be more comfortable.”


Pam eyed him hesitantly.


“I just want you to be more comfortable,” Jim affirmed.


Pam moved cautiously across the bed and sat with her back against the pillows.


“You good?” He asked


Pam nodded.


Will you trust me?”


She looked up at him, with his tousled hair, the dark stubble on his chin. Her heart speeded up and her breath came in quickly. Pam didn’t know what Jim was doing but yes, she would trust him. Pam nodded and eased herself against the pillows.


Jim moved closer to her, and without thinking he opened the buttons on Pam’s shirt, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Immediately his mind sandbagged him with memories of nights they’d spent together. The heat of a blush traveled up his neck.


He shook the thoughts from his head and laid Cece in Pam’s arms. “Here.”


Pam instinctively opened her bra, but she immediately regretted it, feeling bare and vulnerable. “I’ll just give her the bottle,” Pam said, tugging at her shirt.


“Just… try, okay?”


Jim laid his hand on Pam’s shoulder and began to gently knead the tension from knotted muscles. Pam tried to speak, to protest, but the only sound that emerged was a tiny squeak from the back of her throat. The truth was that she couldn’t have done or said a word to stop him. Didn’t want to stop him…


Pam slowly released her shirt, watching Cece eagerly attempt to suckle, but failing. Cece began to whimper again, her cries piercing the air.


“Just relax, okay? No rush; it’s just us.”


Pam smiled at Jim and looked down at her frustrated, hungry babe. “I know you wanna eat,” Pam said, positioning Cece closer to her. “Let’s try eating, huh?”


Pam brought Cece up to her and her little mouth began to instinctively suckle, but not yet latching. “C’mon,” she said, running her finger over Cece’s rounded cheek. Jim held his breath, watching them.


“Ahh,” Pam gasped as Cece’s eager mouth finally fastened on. “Oh yeah…. Like that….” A sense triumph swelled inside her like a balloon. “You got it!”


“Hey,” Jim said, looking down at their baby, whose eyes closed in ecstasy, feeding with serene contentment.


“We did it,” Pam said, with the most contagious smile adorning her face.


The room fell silent as they watched Cece satisfy her hunger. Jim watched Pam enjoy this intimate moment of motherhood as only a husband, a father should see it. He sat there perfectly still, scarcely daring to breathe, wanting to hold the moment, freeze this timeless image in his memory. He brushed his lips against Pam’s hair and then, for one perfect moment all the pain, all the agony of the last nine months fell away.


Pam felt the touch of his lips against her hair and the warmth of his mouth, his breath against her temple… She looked away. Once she felt as though she could look at him without wanting to wrap her hands in his hair and pull him close, so close, she shifted her gaze to him. “Thank you.”


“I didn’t do anything.” He touched his forehead to hers and Pam hadn’t prepared for the move and sucked in a gulp of air. “It was all you.”


Cece eventually stopped suckling and looked sleepily up at Pam.“All done, Cee?” Cece blew small milk bubbles. “I’ll take that as a yes.”


Pam handed Cece over to Jim and instructed him to gently pat her back, while she went to the bathroom.


Pam looked at herself in the mirror, running her hand through her messy curls. She buttoned her shirt and smoothed her hand over the wrinkles. She turned on the cold water and splashed her face a few times. She dried her hands and face and leaned on the edge of the sink. Jim had shaken her more than she’d thought he would. Just being near him again had awakened feeling and emotions she’d trained herself for nine months to ignore.


Now those old feelings were back and she wasn’t sure how to handle them. After all, it wasn’t as if she had a lot of experience with this sort of thing. Before Jim, there’d been only one other guy in her life, and he hadn’t come close to affecting her in the way Jim had.


She returned to the room and found Jim sleeping with Cece, relaxed and fluid, over his chest as single lamp threw a puddle of golden light across both of them. Jet lag had finally caught up to him and it would be cruel to disturb him. She walked cautiously to the edge of the bed and slowly moved Jim’s hand from Cece’s back. She gently scooped Cece up and placed her in the car seat. She stood before Jim one last time. She saw him so clearly now. Nothing had changed, nothing had faded. She raked her hands through his hair before returning to the Anderson’s.

*


*



True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. ~François, duc de La Rochefoucauld



Pam walked out of the hotel and somewhere, in the deep crease of her mind – the folds where hopes sometimes gets caught – she believed the hurt between herself and Jim was reparable. There was a bond between them that you couldn’t just lose. Like any other energy, it couldn’t be destroyed by space or time.


She reached the Anderson’s house and fiddled with the keys. It was tricky, trying to balance the car seat and diaper bag, but it was late, and she didn't want to disturb anyone by ringing the doorbell. She concentrated on getting the keys into the key hole but they fumbled out of her of grasp falling to the ground. Before she had a chance to bend down to retrieve the keys, the front door flew open.


“Pam?”


“Oh, hey Roy.” Pam said. “I dropped my keys.”


Roy looked at her warily and bent down to retrieve the keys for her. “Here,” he said curtly.


“Thanks,” Pam said and gazed at Roy’s stoic façade. “Everything okay?”


“Where were you?”


“I was at the mall” she said, trying to act natural as she stepped inside and placed Cece’s car seat on the floor. “I told you I was going there. I didn’t buy anything. Just… window shopping.”


“I didn’t see you leave.”


“You were in the shower.” Pam countered, crouching down to ease Cece out of the car seat.


“I could’ve driven you there.”


“I-I um… I didn’t want to bother. I knew the game was on tonight,” she said dismissively, propping Cece on her shoulder.


“You took a long time.”


“It’s a pretty big mall, Roy,” Pam countered.


“It’s just….” Roy began, “It’s not good for Cece to be out in the cold.”


Pam frowned. “Roy, we weren’t out in the cold. She’s fine. Aren’t we Ceas?” Pam looked at Cece and she opened he eyes for one fleeting moment.


“Where’s her sock?”


Pam looked down at Cece’s tiny feet, seeing that one lacked a pink sock. “I don’t know. It must have fallen.” Pam said and enclosed Cece’s little, bare foot in her hand. “Why all the questions, Roy?”


“You were just gone for a long time,” Roy said, reaching his hand to run over Cece’s fuzzy head.


While watching Roy stroke Cece’s hair, Pam understood the underlining reason for all his questions. “You thought I had left, didn’t you?”


Roy exhaled and said, “I didn’t think that.”


Pam eyed him doubtfully. “Just know that I wouldn’t leave like that.”


She began walking towards the stairs but Roy stopped her and said, “The mall did you good. You’re all happy”


Pam blushed. “What do you mean?”


“You’ve been smiling from the moment I opened the door.”


“No, I wasn’t,” Pam countered, trying to wipe smirk of her face, but failing. “I think I’m just too tired. I’m going to sleep.”


“Okay,” Roy said, “Have a good night. Let me know if you need help with her tonight.”


“I think I should be okay.” Pam said and began walking up the stairs. “Goodnight, Roy.”


“Goodnight, Pam.”


Pam took her time putting Cecelia to bed. She didn’t hurry over changing her - feeding her little arms and legs into a clean jammies, all the time talking to her, tickling her tummy, kissing her toes. Telling her she was the most beautiful baby in the world. Cece waved a foot at her and she caught it, kissed it, and peered into her blue, blue eyes. Did all babies really have blue eyes? Cece’s were definitely blue, and not midnight blue eyes – her eyes were clear, sky blue.


“You’re not going to let me sleep tonight, huh?” Pam said and kissed Cece square on her belly. “That’s okay, you know why? I don’t think mommy is not going to be able to sleep, either.”


So many thoughts were circling her mind that it would be impossible to lay her head on the pillow without thinking about what had just happened. How long until she forgot the temperature of his hands on her skin? How long until she couldn’t hear the sound of his voice, even when he wasn’t speaking? Pam closed her eyes, trying to store up every sensation, like grain for the winter.


She picked up Cece and sat on the glider. She smiled and looked at her daughter’s perfect little face. Her heart twisted painfully in her chest. How can she miss him now, when he's just blocks away, than when he was halfway across the world?
***


Jim was dreaming again. It was the same dream that haunted him for months. Pam next to him - silky, fragrant and forever – tormentingly out of reach. He wanted to escape the image, but trying to not thinking about it only made things worse. The scent so familiar, but warmer, closer. He opened his eyes and it took him a few seconds for him to realize he hadn’t been dreaming. Pam had been there, and Cece – sweet little Cece, with her cherub lips and cheeks. They had been there.


Rubbing the sleep off his eyes, he propped himself up on the bed and looked around the hotel room. “Pam,” he called hoarsely. Silence. He sat up and looked around the room and something caught his eye. On the corner of the bed he saw a small pink sock. He grabbed it and held it between his fingers. It was so small. He smiled. He needs to see them again.


He looked at the time and it was already 1:00 in the afternoon. Had he slept that much? He got up and scrambled to find his phone. Once he fished it from under the bed he saw 5 missed calls from his mom. Had his dad mentioned anything to his mom? He quickly dialed.


“Jimmy?” His mom answered.


“Hey mom, everything okay?” He said.


“Jimmy, where were you all night?”


Jim released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I stayed at a hotel.”


“Why? I had Martha set up your room for you.”


“I-I umm… I didn’t know,” he said.


“Well, I called because Adele and I set up a dinner for tonight night here.”


“What?”


“Is the phone cutting? I can never work this thing,” Betsy said, and Jim could hear her fiddling with her phone. “Can you hear me now? I said a dinner with the Andersons.”


“I know mom, I heard you. It’s just…Wh-Why?”


“When have I ever needed a reason to throw a dinner party, Jimmy?”


“No mom, but—”


“It’s tonight. And I expect you there.”


Jim heaved a sigh.


“Martha has the room ready.”


“I don’t think it’s a goo—”


“I’m not asking you to come home, Jimmy. Just know you are always welcome here.”


There was a brief silence before Jim said, “Thanks, mom.”


“I’ll see you tonight.”


“See you, mom.”


Jim shut his phone off and looked at his hand; Cece’s little pink sock was so incredibly small. He needed to see them again. Tucked neatly on his night stand was a small piece of paper with a number written on it. By the curve of the eights, the lines cutting through the sevens, Jim knew Pam had left that for him. He took the phone and dialed. He waited anxiously as the dial tone echoed in his ears.


“Hello?”


He closed his eyes for a long moment. It felt great hearing her voice. “Hey.”


“Jim?” Pam asked.


“Yeah. I saw the number you left and—”


“Did you sleep okay?” She interrupted.


“I did, more than I thought I could, actually. Hey um… I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you last night. I feel terrible.”


“Don’t. I totally understand. Since Cece arrived, I sympathize with the effects of sleep deprivation. What was that - like two days straight?”


Jim could hear the smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “How is Cece today?”


“She’s very happy now that her tummy is full.”


Jim smiled. “Hey, do you want to get some breakfast?”


“Jim, it’s 1 pm.”


Pam laughed and the sound wrapped tightly around his heart. “You eat pancakes for dinner, Pam. C’mon, what do you say?”


She thought about it for half a second. “Okay, okay…Where should I meet you?”


“I’ll pick you up. I can be there in 15 minutes?”


“Can you make that 20 minutes? I need to get Cece ready.”


At the mention of Cece’s name, Jim’s heart melted. “Definitely.”


“Okay, I’ll see you then.”


Jim readied himself and drove straight to the Anderson’s house. It was beautiful day outside, wisps of clouds played peek-a-boo with the afternoon sun and a steady breeze, brought warm temperatures. It was nice to see the harsh winter giving away to spring.


Jim parked on the Anderson’s drive way and as soon as Jim saw Pam walk out the front door, he stepped out of the car and met Pam halfway.


“Hey.” He watched her curls flow carelessly with the afternoon breeze. “Let me help you with her,” he offered, motioning to the car seat. He couldn’t wait to see Cece again, and be able to hold her again.


“Oh yeah, sure,” Pam said, gladly handing Cece over. “New car?”


“It’s a rental.”


Jim opened the back passenger seat and Pam said, “Let me strap her in. These car seat things are very tricky.”


After securing Cece safely in the back seat she stepped out of the car and watched Jim fold himself next to Cece. He pushed the canopy down and the little baby stared back at him. “Her eyes are blue, did you know that?”


Pam chuckled inwardly. “Yeah.”


Jim kissed Cece’s little head and tugged on the car seat, just to make sure it was secured. He gently closed the door, opened the front passenger door for Pam, and walked around to the driver’s side. He drove very slowly, watching for every bump on the road. Somehow having Cece in the back seat drew his foot off the gas pedal. Every turn, every lane shift, every stop was carefully maneuvered.


Pam was quick to notice the change in his driving. She smiled, thinking Jim couldn’t get any more protective of Cece.


“Why are you smiling?” Jim asked, noticing the grin on her face.


“Nothing, it’s just…”


“What? Tell me?”


“You are driving really slow.”


“I’m driving on the speed limit,” Jim countered.


“Exactly my point.”


Jim understood the underlining reason for the smile on her face. He just grinned back. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, making her green eyes vibrant and her features soft and appealing. Pam looked more beautiful than he’d ever seen her.


When Jim pulled up at a small restaurant Jim had to force himself to stand still, to not to pull her close to him. He cleared his throat and said, “My grandmother used to bring me here when I was a kid.”


Pam smiled.


Jim turned to her and said, “Thanks for naming her after my grandmother.”


“I wanted her to have a part of you.”


“Other than my ears?”


Pam chuckled. Jim was good at making her… forget.


They were led to a booth and the scent of apple pie hung in the air like potpourri. Tension knotted in Jim’s stomach as he gazed around. He hadn’t been there in more than a year. The last time he stepped foot in this restaurant was the day after his grandmother passed.


The waitress arrived, earrings swaying, order pad ready. She quickly jotted down their order, flipped over their coffee cups and filled them, then whirled away, bantering with costumers and refilling their cups.


Pam could see that Jim was itching to scoop Cecelia off the car seat. He kept smiling down at her and reaching his hand inside to hold her little hand or grab her little feet. It was almost seemed as if Cece’s existence was ascertained by touching.


“If you want to hold her, just… hold her,” Pam said.


Jim looked at Pam and smiled. He gently reached down, unbuckled Cece, and lifter her to him. “Oh boy,” he said, nestling her on his arms, “You seem a little heavier than yesterday.” Cece slowly blinked her long eye lashes, as if trying to make out the figure holding her. “I don’t think we’ve properly introduced ourselves,” Jim whispered. “I’m your dad, which makes you…mine.”


Pam smiled, feeling butterflies in her stomach.


“I was away for a little while,” he continued. “But I’m back and I’m going nowhere.”


Cece fluttered her little hands in the air, opening her mouth in the tiniest yawn he’d seen. Jim brushed his lips gently over her head, soaking up the sweet baby scent.


“I think she has your nose,” Jim said.


“Yeah, that’s the only thing, though.”


“You think she looks like me?”


“Are you kidding? She looks exactly like you.” Pam chuckled. It wasn’t just the ears, but the eyes, her mouth. Even her little fingers and toes were his. “I just hope she doesn’t get stuck with my hair.”


“What do you mean? Your hair is…so pretty.” Jim said.


Pam blushed. “If she gets my hair, it will be a mess, that’s all.”


“No it won’t.”


“You haven’t seen pictures of me when I was seventeen.”


“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,” he said softly. He watched her animated face and felt a catch in his throat. Her hair was all curled around her face, her eyes sparkled and her expression was dreamy. Could she be more beautiful? He didn’t think so. “My vision is better.”


Pam’s cheeks flushed and shook her head, smoothing her clothes with her hands.


Their food arrived and Pam watched Jim holding Cece in one arm and a fork with the other. Pam suggested he hand Cece over to her, but he waved her off. “I’m good,” he said.


And he was good. Although this whole dad thing was new to him, he was a natural. Cece fit perfectly in his arms even though she was so small. It took Roy days before he could hold Cece and even then, it was clumsy and inelegant. It was almost like she didn’t belong there.


“How are your pancakes?” Jim asked.


“They are really good, actually,” Pam said around a mouth full. “The omelet?” She asked.


“Just as I remembered,” he said and a smile turned his lips upward.


“Did you come here often?” Pam asked.


“Whenever I could sneak out of the house without being seen.”


Pam smiled and looked down at the buttery pancakes. The syrup had oozed all the way through them, reaching the pancakes at the bottom of the stack. She dug her fork into them with great ease.


“What’s your whole name?” She asked and placed the fork full of pancake in her mouth, warm and sweet.


“James Duncan Halpert.”


“How about your siblings? They are not overseas, are they?”


“No. Pete lives in Boston with his wife and a son. Tom lives in New Jersey, also with his wife and two kids. I also have a sister, Larissa, but she’s away in college.”


“You have a sister?”


“Yeah, she’s at UCLA.”


“Are you guys close?”


“We keep in touch as much as we can. She’ll be super excited when I tell her about Cece.”


“I told my mom, but she was so involved in her super-exciting life that she barely understood what I was trying to tell her,” Pam sighed. “So, I decided not to tell Penny. I hope that when they see her, you know…” She let the sentence linger. “How can you not fall in love her?”


“I don’t know, Pam.” Jim reached for her hand and said, “You are not alone anymore. I’ll never let anything happen to you or Cece.”
***


Roy was pacing back and forth. He’d come home to an empty house. It wasn’t like Pam to go anywhere. He called her cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. He called his mom, but she didn’t pick up either - Pam had barely gone anywhere since the baby had been born, and now she was out all the time. Roy couldn't put his finger on it, but something was up.


He was almost going crazy with different scenarios playing in his head when he saw an unfamiliar car pull up on the driveway. The guy he met yesterday, the one who looked high, got out of the driver’s seat and opened the front passenger door and to his surprise Pam stepped out. Her smile… A smile he’d never seen before adorned her face. The guy pulled open the back door and pulled Cece’s car seat out. What the..?


Roy kept watching them, until they walked up to the front door. Roy tried to lift his feet from where they’d been bounded to, but it was too late. The door flew open and he was faced with them.


“Hey…” Pam said, stepping through the foyer. “Home early?”


“Y-Yeah,” Roy answered Pam, but didn’t take his eyes off Jim.


“I’m gonna get going,” Jim said, placing the car seat by Pam’s feet. “Thanks for helping me out today,” he winked.


“Yeah, no problem,” Pam said, placing a strand of hair behind her ear. She then crouched down in front of the car seat, mostly to avoid having her eyes betray her in front of Roy.


“Roy, right?” Jim said. He pulled his hand from his pocket to shake Roy’s and when he did a tiny pink sock slipped out. “Oh,” Jim uttered. “Hey Pam,” I think this is hers,” he said.


Jim reached down and handed Pam the small sock. “Thanks,” Pam said in her smallest voice.


“Good seeing you, Roy.”


Roy eyes focused on the tiny pink sock and said, “Really good seeing you too.”

*




*



The only way you may correct the bad things in your past is to add better things to your future. ~Shiloh Morrison


Jim had once again slipped seamlessly into Pam’s life. The uneasiness and doubts had vanished and worn down to become something more comfortable, like the cardigan you take out of your drawer on rainy Sunday because you need to surround yourself with something cozy and familiar. Being in that restaurant with him, talking to him, joking with him was effortless. There was nothing else she needed.


Adele, entering the living room, said, “Who was that?”


Pam lifted Cece from the car seat and said, “That was Jim.”


“Oh,”Adele said and extended her arms towards Cece, gently taking her from Pam’s arms. “Did he leave? Why didn’t you ask him to stay for lunch?”


“We actually just ate at this little breakfast place,” Pam said.


“The one on Pearl?”


“Ummm…” Pam thought. “I think so.”


“They have the best pancakes,” Adele said with a simple smile tugging the corner of her lips. She looked down at Cece and said sweetly, “Did you eat lots of pancakes, Cece-bear?”


Roy, unconcerned about where they had gone, asked, “Didn’t you just meet this guy like, yesterday?”


“Umm…. Yeah,” Pam said nodding.


“He seems like a nice guy,” Adele interjected and added, “I think she needs a change. Don’t worry,” Adele waived Pam off before she had a chance to take Cece, “I got this one.”


Adele began ascending the stairs and without warning, Roy grabbed Pam’s elbow, guiding away from the foyer and said, “What were you thinking going on a date with this guy?”


“What? Roy,” Pam said yanking her arms off his grasp, “We were not on a date.”


Roy ran his hand over his face and said, “And you brought Cece along!”


“Roy, Cece is my daughter,” Pam said. “And if you think that I’m stupid enough to put her in any kind of danger you’re delusional.”


“Pam, you don’t know who this guy is! He could be some weirdo looking for an opportunity—”


“Stop,” Pam interrupted. “He’s a decent guy and we just went for pancakes.” Pam closed her eyes, trying to keep herself calm and in control. “I’m not talking about this anymore.”


“I don’t want you seeing him again.”


Pam chuckled. “Roy… Look, the whole protective thing is….endearing. But you can’t possibly think you can tell me not to see him again.”


“I’m just protecting you, Pam.”


“You don’t need to protect me, Roy. I know what I’m doing.”


“Don’t you see how crazy this is? Pam, you don’t know this guy.”


Jim is Cece’s father. The words piled up in her mouth and tangled there, a chocking weight, because she couldn’t tell him that.


“What did you say?” Roy asked.


“Nothing,” she said. Had the words slipped out of her mouth? “I didn’t say anything.”


She saw Roy’s face crumble. It was like watching an apple-head doll in time lapse photography, watching it shrink and shrivel and cave-in on itself. “H-he’s her d-dad?” Roy stuttered.


Pam froze, horrified at her own lack of control. Her mouth became painfully dry, her throat ached. She pressed her hand to her mouth, as if to hold anything else that might slip out.


“No… he’s not. He can’t,” Roy said, closing his hands into fists and shaking his head.


“Look,” Pam said, pushing her parched lips into words again. “He’s not here to take Cece. Just…listen—”


“I’m listening,” Roy interrupted, raising his voice, “That’s the problem I’m listening.”


“Don’t yell,” Pam said, looking towards the stairs.


“Don’t yell? Are you kidding me Pam?” Roy bellowed, his face hurt and angry. He took a small vase that was resting on a side table and threw it on the floor. The sharp porcelain pieces scattered all around their feet. “C’mon!”


“You need to calm down,” Pam said and began walking towards the stairs, but Adele appeared at the top, making Pam freeze.


“Everything okay down here?” Adele asked, taking slow steps down.


“Y-Yeah,” Pam said as nonchalantly as she could manage.


“I umm...” Roy began. “I bumped into the vase and it fell,” He explained, bending over, either to pick up the pieces or to hide the fury in his eyes.


“Roy,” Adele called, reaching the bottom step. “You’re going to cut yourself.”


“I’m fine, mom,” Roy said through clenched teeth while moving all the broken pieces to one place.


“Just ask Antonia to help you with that before you get hurt,” Adele said. “I came down to tell you that Betsy invited us to dinner at her house tonight.”


“What?” Roy and Pam said in unison.


“Betsy is having a dinner party and she invited us. I guess she’s just happy her son is back.” She smiled. “I think you and Jim will get along really well, Roy,” Adele said.


Roy shot a glance at Pam and said, “Oh, I’m sure we will.”


“W-When is dinner?” Pam asked, feeling the blood pulsate in her ears.


“We should arrive by seven.”


“I can’t wait,” Roy said.”
***


Pam didn’t know what Roy was up too, but she could see the gears turning in his head. The rest
of the afternoon and well into the evening, Roy had been quiet, scheming. He hadn’t said a word and had barely directed his attention to her. Pam held herself tight – nothing good could come out of Roy’s sudden passiveness. He was a ticking bomb and he could blow at any minute.


When the car pulled into the Halpert’s driveway, Pam felt herself shiver. She pulled Cece out of the car seat and held her close to her, feeling the baby’s weight grounding her to the floor. She placed a blanket over her daughter and stepped out of the car. Pam felt heart pounding when the front door opened and Betsy appeared with a huge smile on her face. There were so many layers to the paralysis she felt that at moment that she could barely count them.


“Adele, Joe, Pam, and Roy,” Betsy said cheery, “Welcome to our house.”


Pam slowly stepped inside, feeling her stomach churning. It was a beautiful house - it seemed relatively untouched by humans. If she thought the Anderson’s house was spacious, this house made it look small and insignificant. Even though the vastness of the house should have felt commodious, Pam felt restricted and imprisoned.


Just when Pam thought she couldn't breathe anymore, Jim appeared from one of the doorways in the far left corner. Her gaze immediately gravitated towards his. In the short amount of time that Jim held her gaze, he had already seen the terror beneath her eyes. His eyebrows furrowed.


“Is this little Cecelia?” Betsy asked placing a hand over the covered bundle in Pam’s arms.


Betsy’s words snapped Pam’s gaze back to her. “Yeah,” she said.


Betsy pulled the blanket far enough to see the blond wisps of Cece’s hair. “It’s almost like she’s grown since I saw her yesterday.”


All of a sudden, Roy approached Pam and placed his brawny arm over her shoulder. “I know. I still remember how tiny she as when we brought her home from the hospital. Heck, just yesterday she was nudging my hand in Pam’s belly,” Roy said, with a surplus of pride oozing out of him. “She was the most active late at night, remember Pam?”


Pam looked at Jim and the sheen in his eyes vanished – emotions she couldn’t quite define hovered over him like a dark cloud. That was Roy’s plan – to mark his territory. To make Jim know that his genetic connection to Cece did not come close to the bond he had with Cece.


“I remember that first sonogram,” Roy continued, reached for his back pocket, and pulled out a flimsy black and white picture, holding for everyone to see. “She was just a small bean here.” Roy slowly bent down and placed a small kiss over Cece’s fuzzy head. “She’s our big girl now.”


From the corner of her eye, Pam could see the ripple effect of Roy’s words on Jim’s face. Pam forced a smile and said, “Yeah, time flies. Umm….Betsy,” Pam changed the subject. “Something smells really good.”


“It’s probably the Cheese Soufflés. They smell delicious, don’t they” Betsy said. “But please, come in, and help yourselves to the appetizers.”


In the far corner of the room a few platters of finger food sat on fancy stands. Pam walked towards it, shrugging Roy’s arms from her shoulders. She reached for something that looked like a quiche and slowly placed it in her mouth. “Yummm” she said, although she could only taste Roy’s bitterness in her mouth.


“Hey, Jim,” Adele said. “It’s good to see you again.”


“It’s good to see you too,” he said, extending his hand to shake hers.


Just then Gerry walked into the room, with a huge smile on his face. “If it isn’t my favorite…family.” Gerry shook Joe’s hand and said, “How’s the business?”


“It’s going really well. Roy here,” Joe said patting Roy on his back, “Has improved the Niles plan I was telling you about…”


The men continued talking business while Pam discretely walked to the other side of the room. Her ears were buzzing and when she felt she was going to lose her balance, someone tug on her hand, pulling her away from her rooted spot. She looked up and saw Jim’s outline pulling her through the shadows of a long hallway. He guided her into a room and locked the door behind them.


The room was dark except for the parallel silver lines on the wall made by the moonlight pouring through the blinds. Pam could barely see the dim outline of Jim’s form, but she could feel his warm breath close to her. She opened her mouth to say something, but then she felt Jim’s hands on either side of her face. The room fell away. Pam felt Jim lean over her, his breath, warm and measured. Then she heard him stop breathing, and a second later, she felt his lips touch hers.


It wasn’t the sort of kiss she’d had with him before. It was so soft it was like a memory of a kiss, so careful on her lips that it was like someone running a finger along them. The kind of kiss she could lean into and take anywhere she wanted. Her heart missed a few beats and her hands slipped slowly from around Cece. Jim slowly let his hands drop from her face and circled them around her, keeping them both secured. Pam sighed against his mouth, and he tightened his embrace, drawing her even closer.


When their lips parted, neither of them breathed. Pam looked up at him and even though it was still just as dark as when she entered the room, she could see the gleam back in his eyes.


He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered softly, “I’m sorry, I just…” He exhaled.


“He knows,” Pam said, still feeling the tingle of his kiss all the way to her toes. “He began questioning and I-I let it slip. Don’t let him get to you.”


Jim tightened his embrace around them and leaned over, kissing the wisps of blond hair on Cece’s head. He let his lips linger a little longer than usual. “We have to go before they notice we’re both gone.”


Jim started to leave, but Pam called after him, “Jim.” He turned around and she said, “She’s yours.”


He walked up to her and kissed her again. This time she recognized his kiss - hungry and ardent. For a moment, her worries melted away in the warmth of his lips.


“I know,” he sad against her lips. “I just…I needed to know you’re mine too.”


As Jim slipped out into the darkness, Pam began to recollect herself. She stepped out into the hallway, but Jim was nowhere to be seen. She slowly walked back to main room, attempting to hide the smile plastered on her face. But it was hard to keep her mind on this dinner party when she was floating about three feet off the ground. She found a photo resting on a bookcase and focused on it. She adjusted Cece on one arm and picked it up, looking into the little faces staring back at her.


“Those are my boys: Pete, Tom, and Jim. Larissa didn’t come till later. She was our little surprise.”


Pam turned to see Betsy looking over her shoulder at the picture she was holding. Jim was just a small baby and the similarities between him and Cece were uncanny. The cheeks, the blond hair, the ears… Could Betsy see that too?


“Cece is just…” Betsy began, but waved her thought. “Dinner is almost served. Shall we?” Betsy asked.


Pam smiled and followed behind Betsy down the hall.


“Hey, Pam,” Roy called. “They have mini grilled cheese sandwiches. Remember how you craved grilled cheese when you were pregnant with Cece?”


Just then, Jim walked back into the room and said, “Did I hear someone say grilled cheese?”


Roy’s face brightened as if he was reeling the biggest fish in. “Yes. One time Pammy here was craving grilled cheese and since I was the only one around…It was up to me to find the nearest place where they had grilled cheese.” He smiled proudly and walked over to where Pam was standing. “I didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t. You know,” he nudged Pam, “Crazy hormones.”


“I can imagine,” Jim laughed and added, “You know what, grilled cheese is one of my favorite foods. Hey Mom,” Jim called, “Did you get these for me?” Jim said pointing to the mini grilled cheese sandwiches.


Betsy walked to where they were standing and said, “Of course, dear. They are your favorite.”


Jim smiled at Roy and popped a grilled cheese into his mouth.


“Alright, everyone, dinner is served,” Betsy announced. “Pam, if you want you can set up the pack and play in a guest bedroom for Cece.”


Pam didn’t want to be away from Cece. She felt an ache in her chest at the thought of letting Cece out of her embrace. The little baby in her arms was what was keeping her grounded.


“The room is just down the hall and it’s the third door to the right,” Betsy instructed.


“Sure,” Pam reluctantly agreed.


“I’ll take her,” Jim said, feeling bold.


“Umm… sure. Just...the baby monitor’s in the bag,” Pam said.


“I’m all over it,” he whispered.


Jim took Cece, cradling her protectively in his arms, and suddenly nothing else mattered – not even the stares that were boring into him, closing in and trapping him where he stood.

*


*


The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths. ~William James




“She was just a small bean here,” Roy said and slowly pressed his chapped lips to Cece’s fuzzy head.


As if it was something he did all the time.


As if he wanted to make Jim’s blood boil.


As if he was her father.


Jim felt like his heart was being wrenched from his chest, as though Roy had reached inside with his hands and was pulling it out, tearing it loose like wet paper from a destroyed book. Every word Roy uttered scorched like kindling wood, burning, burning...inside his chest, burning.


He had to talk to Pam, and when he found the chance he didn’t waste it. He pulled her to a small study just down the hall, but when he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t. Words couldn’t capture what he really wanted to tell her. His tongue felt like a lump of wood lying idly in his mouth. So he placed his hands it on either side of Pam’s face and kissed her, long and lovely and slow, hoping she would understand him.


The expression on her face after their lips parted made him feel the way he does when, after months of winter, the first warm breeze of summer touches his face.


She understood him.


Dinner proceeded as well as Roy’s insistent jabs. Roy words had ceased to bother him, but when the Anderson’s were about to leave and Jim could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, Roy went for the kill shot by taking Cece and saying, “Let’s go home.”


It was a simple statement that was full of meaning. Home. Pam and Cece’s current home was not with him. Roy was taking his girls home and that hurt Jim more than anything else. Roy was going to be the one putting Cece to bed, giving her a goodnight kiss. Roy would be there and not him. The oppressive state of Jim’s mind seemed to push him into a long, narrow black void, shoving him deeper and deeper.


Wanting to just get away, Jim retreated to the one place he went to when he was a boy. There was a hidden bench just beyond the pool, where the almost frozen water seemed clear, mirror-like. It was far enough away from the house that the lights couldn’t dim the effect of the moon. It was secluded, and if you weren’t looking for it, you would miss it. The air was cold and it soothed the burning ache within him, but it didn’t lull away a few pesky tears.


Jim was not sure how long had slipped by before he heard the slightest sounds of leaves crackling under careful footsteps. He could barely make out the outline of the figure approaching him, but there was only one person who knew him enough to look for him there.


“Jim?” He heard his mother call.


He quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Here,” he said and cowered down, not daring to look up. His face was sure to betray him.


“I knew I would find you here,” Betsy said, pulling her coat tighter. “Everything okay?”


“Yeah,” he said, trying to sound as casual as possible. “Just needed some air.” He pulled in a long, slow breath, feeling the cold numbing him.


“I need some air too,” she said. “Mind if I join you?”


“Sure,” Jim said, making room for his mom on the bench.


Silence reigned. The only sounds came from the rustling of the bare tree branches and the howling winds in the distance. The chilly night air penetrated Betsy’s thinly-lined coat, making her shiver slightly. She pulled on her coat and said, “It’s getting chilly out here.”


“It is,” Jim agreed. Betsy smiled, but only halfway. Her eyes were focused on him, and they had their own thoughts. “Mom, why’d you really come out here?” Jim asked.


“Well,” Betsy hesitated a moment, gazing into the penumbral depths of the nightfall. “Jimmy, tell me why you’re here. I know it’s not spring break in Australia. I checked.”


“Umm…” Jim began. “I have some unfinished business here,” he said cautiously.


“Unfinished business?” Betsy frowned.


“I just…” Jim paused. “I need to take care of some things.”


A bitterly cold wind cut through the leafless branches, ruffling the graying locks on his mother’s head. “Call it a mother’s intuition,” she began, “But does this have anything to do with the Andersons?”


Jim was taken aback by her all too accurate assessment. “Why do you say that?”


“Jimmy, I could cut the tension between you and Roy with my steak knife. Do you know each other?”


“Not exactly,” Jim said.


“Did he do something to you?”


“He um….” Jim thought about the way Roy boasted about all he’d missed, all the little moments that he could never get back. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, heaving a deep breath. He felt his heart throbbing with unimaginable pain; the type of pain no one could see from the outside. “He just wants something that is mine, that’s all.”


“Can’t you guys just come to an agreement? You know…meet half way?”


“No,” Jim shook his head. “There’s no compromising here. He wants to take something that is irrevocably mine.”


Betsy knew there was more, and she waited. When Jim didn’t elaborate, she pursued. “Is this about a girl?”


His silence gave him away, but he was quick to recover. “It can’t be about a girl,” he said. “Because a girl can never be irrevocably mine, can she?”


Betsy twisted her hands in her lap, her lips tightened, and she suddenly looked on the verge of tears (or was it just the cold air making her eyes water?). “Unless she’s your daughter,” she warily offered.


Betsy’s unexpected declaration made Jim’s heart suddenly hammer in his chest, but he forced himself to remain unmoved. “What are you talking about?”


“You are irrevocably my son,” she said. “If you were to have a d-daughter, Jimmy, she w-would be irrevocably yours.”


Jim pressed his lips together, focusing on the moon’s reflection stripping across the pool water like a silver path. The phrase, I have a daughter, was tingling along his tongue. “Mom,” Jim began. “I um…”


Betsy waited expectantly, watching Jim having difficulties saying the words she knew were exploding like fireworks inside him. “You can tell me, Jimmy.”


Jim opened his mouth a couple of times, said nothing, and closed it again. Then as if gathering courage, he said. “I-I don’t have a daughter.”


Jim’s words felt like a stone in Betsy’s heart. She didn’t say anything at first, she nodded, and kept on nodding, but the stone was feeling larger and heavier. She drew a long breath and said, “Your dad thinks you do.”


Jim felt a thickness in his throat at the thought of his mother overhearing conversations his father must have had about Cece. “W-Why would he think that?” Jim said as evenly as possible.


“I don’t know.” A wistful smile flickered across her face, and then faded. “I was hoping you could tell me.”


“Maybe you should ask dad about it,” Jim said, standing up. There was no way he could continue the conversation without telling his mother what she desperately wanted to hear. Jim looked down the slope of the hill towards the house. Smoke billowed from the center chimney. “It’s getting really cold out here. I think you should go back inside.”


Jim began walking towards the driveway.


“Where are you going?” Betsy asked.


“Talk to dad and you’ll understand.”


Jim quickened his steps, wanting to leave as quickly as possible. He couldn’t stand the look his mother was giving him. But Jim slowed his pace when his mother called after him and said, “She’s beautiful, Jimmy.”


He didn’t turn around. Instead, he kept on walking, disappearing into the night.
***


Pam sat in a car on the way to a house that no longer felt like home. In her mind, the image of the Anderson’s house felt more like something out of a magazine – one-dimensional, distant, and untouchable.


When they arrived, Pam seamlessly slipped into her room and shut the door behind her. She shrugged the diaper bag from her shoulder and it fell with a thud, tumbling on its side, causing a few items, including her cell phone, to slide from an opened pouch. She was about to ignore it when she noticed the red LCD light on her phone blinking.


She eased Cece inside her crib and bent down to pick up the phone. When she opened it, she saw she had four missed calls. She scrolled through them, each one was from Jim. She quickly called him, waiting anxiously as the dial tone echoed in her ear.


“Pam?” Jim answered anxiously.


“Hey, I just saw your missed calls.”


“I need to see you,” Jim blurted out, sounding out of breath.


“Is everything okay?”


“It’s just… Can I see you tonight?”


“Jim… I don’t know if that would be a good idea,” she whispered and heard Jim sighing on the other side. “Listen, I know—”


“Pam, I can’t pretend she’s not mine.”


“Jim—”


“I thought I could wait, but…. I can’t.” Jim’s voice broke. “I want to be the one putting Cece to bed and I want to be the first person she sees each morning…..”


“Jim, it’s just complicated right now and—”


“My mom knows, Pam. She knows.”


“What?”


“She knows Cece’s mine.”


Hearing footsteps outside her room, panic seized her. “Jim, I can’t talk right now. Can we meet tomorrow?”


His chest inflated around a deep breath that he then expelled in a gust. “I just… I just need to—”


“There’s a park a couple of blocks down from here. I can meet you there first thing tomorrow morning.”


Jim heaved a heavy sigh - relenting. “Okay.”


“I’ll see you tomorrow.”


“I’ll be waiting.”


“Bye Jim.”


“Bye Pam.”


The following morning, Pam strapped Cece to her chest and ventured outside. The early air was crisp. Spring was just around the corner. Little green buds could already be seen at the end of the tree branches. It was a time for hope and new beginnings. When Pam rounded the corner towards the park, she saw Jim standing, leaning against a large oak tree with his arms folded over his chest.


“Couldn’t wait?”


“Well,” Jim began, slowly strolling towards her. “No,” he admitted.


Jim circled his arm around Pam and planted a feather-light kiss on her hair. “She looks cozy in there,” he said, running a finger over Cece’s rosy cheeks. Her big blue eyes immediately found him.


“She seems to like it,” Pam said, stroking Cece’s back through the carrier. “I thought she might be too small, except she fits just fine.” Pam smiled. “But this is going to put a lot of pressure on my back. I can already feel it.”


“Want me to take her?”


“Sure,” Pam said, carefully sliding the straps from her shoulders, while keeping a firm grip on Cece. “Just put the straps over your shoulders and I will adjust it,” Pam loosened the straps and tightened again once Jim placed it over his shoulders. “Feels secure?”


“Yeah,” he said, bent over, and placed a small peck on Cece’s head. “Shall we?” He asked.


“Let’s go.”


They walked a couple of blocks down to the park and began strolling about. In the early morning light Pam looked beautiful. She took Jim’s breath away. Her cheeks blushed with a soft pink color, her eyes sparkled, and waves of strawberry-blond hair, curled around her face. Jim looked at her and said, “I used to come here a lot when I was a kid,” he said.


“Really?”


“Yeah. My brothers would bribe our driver to bring us here after school.”


“You had a driver?”


“Yeah… But I always wondered how it was like to take the bus with all the kids.” Jim mused. “We had lots of things, you know? But that was it. They were just things.” Jim looked down at Cece and said. “I want her to have what I didn’t have. When she’s scared at night, I want to be there, or when she needs help with her home work, I want to be her go-to person. I want to be there at her basketball games—”


“Or ballet recitals,” Pam added.


“Ballet, spelling bees… whatever she’s wants to do. I wanna be there.”


Pam smiled and said, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”


Jim smiled down at her and whispered against her hair, “Not your fault.”


“It was,” she said firmly. “If I hadn’t told him anything, he wouldn’t have said any of those things.”


"Pam, he would’ve have said those things regardless.”


“But um...” Pam began hesitantly. “I made up my mind and I want to tell Adele everything today.”


“Really?”


“Yeah. I was going to talk to Joe, but I know he would only discourage me from telling her. So, as soon as Adele returns from her doctor’s appointment this afternoon and before Roy and Joe comes home, I’m finally going to telling her.”


“Do you want me to be there?”


“I think I have to do this on my own.”


“Okay, but don’t ever feel like you’re alone in this.”


Pam smiled and said, “I know I’m not.”


Jim and Pam continued their stroll around the park before he walked her back to the Anderson’s house. Jim entered the house, lingering, not quite ready to surrender Cece.


“You can put her down on the bouncy seat over there,” Pam said.


“Yeah, maybe.”


“You know you can’t stay here too long.”


Jim’s eyes skittered around the foyer, stopping at random points before connecting with hers. “I’m not staying long,” he said. “It’s just…”Jim walked up to Pam and stared down at her for a several second, then reached up and linked his fingers through her hair. He slowly lowered his lips to hers, kissing her softly. However, the kiss lasted for no more than a few seconds before it ended abruptly.


“Halpert!”


Jim saw Pam’s eyes widen and before he could do anything, he felt a hand grab him by his shoulder. He turned around and Roy’s right fist was cocked, ready to punch him. Tiny nodules of sweat stood out on Roy’s forehead, his eyes were burning, and anger trembled though him like the vibrations of a plucked wire. Jim instinctively pushed Pam out of the way and folded his arms protectively over Cece. Roy’s fist was millimeters from Jim’s face when he froze, noticing Cece strapped to his chest.


“What is going on?” A voice sounded in the background.


“Roy, what are you doing?” Another voice called.


When the punch didn’t connect, Jim opened his eyes, noticing his mother and Adele standing before him.


“Roy, what were you doing?” Adele asked.


“He um…He is g-going to t-take her…a-and the baby…” Roy stumbled, gesturing between Jim and Pam.


“Who’s going to take who?” Adele asked.


“Jim, he going to take Pam.”


Adele shook her head confused. “Pam, what’s going on here?”


Pam, shocked with silence, looked between Jim and Adele. Fear gripped her and she was stunned by its intensity, like a hot knife plunged into her innards.


“You wanted to tell her,” Roy said, his voice becoming unpleasantly aggressive. “Here’s your chance. Go on…Tell her how you lied and used us, Pam...”


“I-I…I didn’t…” Pam began.


“Don’t chicken out now. Tell her,” he demanded.


“Roy, stop,” Jim said. His voice was determined, his eyes were flashing, and the lines of his face had grown harsh.


“Stay out of this,” Roy barked.


“You made her do this. Do not put this on her,” Jim said, gripping the straps of the carrier so tightly that his fingers were hurting.


“Everybody stop!” Adele exclaimed. The open, warm quality she had always conveyed was gone, as if erased. “Now, can someone please tell me what is going on?”


*tbc*

*


*


When one has one's hand full of truth it is not always wise to open it. ~French Proverb



“If you don’t tell her, Pammy…” Roy threatened, walking steadily towards her.


“Tell me what?” Adele insisted.


Pam was struck with silence, looking between Roy and Adele. This was not how it was supposed to happen. This couldn’t be happening.


“I-I…I don’t…t-this is not…” Pam stumbled, her voice straining higher with each word. “Adele, I..I…” Pam began, but she struggled, unable to find the right words.


“Here is the thing, mom,” Roy began.


“Roy, don’t,” Pam pleaded. Her knees, which had been weak before, threatened to give way entirely.


“Cece...” Roy’s angry eyes locked on the infant strapped to Jim’s chest. “Is not Kenny’s daughter,” Roy said pragmatically and added, “She’s Jim’s daughter.”


The vicious edge in Roy’s voice left the room in utter silence. Adele searched all the faces in the room for some opposition against Roy’s statement, but none came. To Roy’s astonishment, tears overflowed from Adele’s eyes without warning, gushing down her face.


“Pam, is this true?” Adele asked.


Pam’s mind began spinning and suddenly everything jumbled in her head: the room, the furniture, the walls, the faces. Noises somewhere cluttered, too—Adele’s voice rising with a frenzied shrillness, saying what? She wasn’t sure. Roy’s was now shouting, loudly, furiously. His unintelligible words flying across the room like knives. The only thing that Pam could clearly make out was the fat tears of desolation, perhaps emptiness, rolling down Adele’s face.
***


Adele had hurried out of the room, heartbroken, while Roy whirled out like an angry tornado through the front door. Pam, Jim, and Betsy stood there, frozen, in silence. What else was there to say? Pam’s eyes travelled to Betsy, seeing the surprise as well as the panic in her eyes. Before she had a chance to say anything, she felt Jim’s arms encircle around her waist and his lips on her forehead.


“Hey,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “I’m going to give my mom a ride home and I think you should go talk to Adele and tell her what really happened.” Jim gently lifted Cece out of the baby Bjorn and eased her into Pam’s arms.


“I don’t know if she will listen to me,” Pam said, cradling Cece.


“She needs to know the real truth.”


Betsy approached her and carefully ran her trembling hand over Cece’s head. Betsy opened her mouth to say something, but the words never came. A thin film of tears covered her eyes, making them look glassy. “She’s beautiful,” Betsy finally uttered.


“Thank you,” Pam said.


After Jim and Betsy left, Pam tried to sum up the courage to talk to Adele, but thoughts kept tumbling through her head. She wasn’t sure if Adele would even want to talk to her. The truth had shattered the only thing that had kept Kenny alive - that kept her alive. In a split second, the joy of having a piece of her son with her was abruptly taken away. Maybe Adele needed more time to digest this devastating news. Or perhaps, Pam needed more time to face Adele’s presumable rejection.


One thing was certain; Pam couldn’t stay there any longer. She cautiously ascended the stairs and decided to pack a few things. But when she opened the door to her bedroom, she saw the older woman, sitting on the glider, fingering a blanket that had once belonged to Kenny. Sorrow broke through her face, and tears flowed down her wrinkled cheeks. The scene was so poignant that Pam was convinced that she was capturing an intimate and personal moment.


“I’ve never really seen Kenny on her.” Adele admitted, looking at the fuzzy blanket. “I thought the blue eyes were mine, like Roy’s, but…”


Pam was silent. She stepped over the threshold and carefully shut the door behind her. The white silky curtains in her room were drawn and the shutters at the windows kept everything in dimness. Pam gazed down into Cece’s eyes, once again noticing their vivid blue color.


“I can see you, but I could never see Kenny.” Adele paused, turning to face Pam. “Still, I thought that maybe when she grew up, I would see his little quirks, a smile, a laugh, but…” She released a heartfelt sigh and added, “That will never be the case.” Adele gazed down at the blanket in her hands with wistful eyes and said, “Why did you do this?”


Pam clutched Cece a little closer and said, “I didn’t mean for any of this to hap—”


“Why?”


Listening to the hurt in Adele’s voice was something she could not bear. “What Roy said is not entirely true.” Pam walked further into the room and sat on the bench across from the glider. “My intention was never to lie to you. I wanted to tell you the truth from the very beginning.”


“Why didn’t you?” Adele asked.


“It wasn’t supposed to go for this long and Joe and Roy made me promise not to say anything. But I’m not blaming them, it’s just… I really found my place here…” Pam went on to tell Adele the series of events that led them to cross paths. Slowly, like cold honey pouring out, the memories began to come back. It was painful remembering events that Pam had labored long and hard to erase. It was impossible not to relive each moment, to not see the sheer in Jim’s eyes disappear when she told him she was pregnant, to not feel the bite of his words, to not feel the fear of leaving the only place she’d called home.


“After what Jim said, I had to leave,” Pam continued. “Then Roy overheard me on the phone asking a friend of mine if she knew a place that I could stay. He said his brother would be driving down to Philly that night and that I could crash with him for a few days. I took his offer and next thing I remember was waking up at the hospital…”


As the words flowed out of Pam’s mouth, Adele’s heart filled with tears. The young woman pouring her heart to her was like her daughter and her motherly instinct was to comfort her. But Adele held herself tight. She couldn’t mend Pam’s heart when her own was shattered into pieces. “You didn’t know the Halpert’s were Jim’s parents?” Adele asked in disbelief.


“No, I had no idea. Jim told me his last name was Duncan. He even said his parents had passed away in a car accident. I had no reason to suspect they were anything except business partners.”


“And Joe asked you to go along with this?”


Pam nodded. “Joe was scared to lose you. If lying was what it took to keep you...” Pam let the sentence linger and added, “He loves you very much.”


Adele closed her eyes and a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I think I just need some time to take this all in,” Adele replied, wiping the tear with her sleeve.


“I’m truly sorry.” Pam wiped a few tears pooling at her eyes. “I just want you to know that I never meant to take advantage of you. I love this family and the thought of…” Pam stopped - refusing to let the thought come to a conclusion. Instead, she let the tears that had been sitting at bay rush out. “This has been our home…..” Pam let the sentence linger. “I should go.”


“Where are you going?”


“I don’t know.”


“You don’t have to go. All of your things and her little things are here.”


“I know, but I think you, Joe, and Roy need some space tonight.”


Adele nodded, then looking at Cece as if for one last time, rubbed her cheek and kissed the top of her head. And without a word, Adele left the room
***


The 10 minute ride to Jim’s parent’s house seemed to stretch into endless minutes separated into an infinity of seconds. Silence reigned. The hum of the engine and the distance clamoring outside were the only noises heard. Jim knew his mother wanted to say something. The words were at the tip of her tongue, but it was almost as if she had clamped her teeth together to prevent them from coming out.


But Betsy’s self-restraint was short lived. As soon as Jim pulled into the driveway, she turned to him and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Betsy’s voice sounded small and hurt.


Jim sighed, letting his fingers slowly unclench from the steering wheel. “It’s complicated.”


“I talked to your dad last night. He said I should talk to you.”


“He’s to blame for all of this.”


Betsy shook her head in disbelief. “Wha...What do you mean?”


“When I met Pam, I didn’t tell her who I was. For all she knew I was just a regular guy. We were in love and I like to think that we had a future together, until dad came along, that is.”


“What did he do?”


“He told me Pam was an opportunist and that I shouldn’t trust her. So when Pam told me she was pregnant, I freaked out. I said things I didn’t mean and she got scared, told me the test had been a false-positive and left.” The memories flooded his mind, and the bad feelings returned like a nightmare.


He explained to Betsy the events that followed the accident, and how everything snowballed thereafter. “But then, when dad bought the Anderson's business, he met Pam, and knew the truth. Dad knew that Pam’s baby was mine all along.” Jim watched his mom’s eyes swell with unshed tears. He took his hand and placed it over hers. “That’s why he didn’t want me here for Thanksgiving and it also explains the last minute tickets to Australia. He wanted to keep me as far away from Pam as possible.”


Betsy was in shock. She knew the things her husband was capable. He was a ruthless, cold-hearted business man, but he stepped over all boundaries. He played with his own son, his own flesh and blood.


“I… I can’t… I can’t believe Gerry did that!”


Jim squeezed his mother’s hand and said, “But it’s because of you that I’m here. The picture of Pam and Cece at the hospital? Yeah…” He sighed. “As soon as I saw it, I just…knew.”


Betsy could barely speak. “S-She looks j-just like y-you.” She swallowed the knot in her throat and continued, “From the first time I say her little face I knew there was something about her. You dad said I was cr-crazy.”


“I needed to clear things up with Pam first. I needed to hear from her.” Jim lowered his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It shouldn’t have come out like that, especially for Adele’s sake.”


“Cece is everything to her.”


“She’s everything to me, too,” Jim said.


Betsy smiled. “So what happens now? Are you and Pam together? Are you staying here? Is she staying with the Andersons?”


“I don't know. We hurt each other a lot, but we're working things out. Taking it one day at a time.”


“Do you love her, Jimmy?”


“I don’t know what I would do without either of them in my life.”


Betsy cupped Jim’s cheek and said, “I’m sure you’ll figure things out.”


“I hope so,” Jim said.


“Where are you going now?” Betsy asked.


“I’m going back there.”


Betsy stepped out of the car and said, “Your dad left this morning for a business trip in Albany. Don’t take Cece to a hotel. You can have the whole house tonight. I promise to make myself scarce.”


Jim smiled. “Thanks, Mom. I will give it some thought.”


“I’m here, Jimmy. Whenever you need me.”


Jim smiled.


Betsy shut the car door and waived as Jim pulled out of the driveway.

*


*

I set fire to the rain and I threw us into the flames. Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that was the last time, the last time. - Adele



Jim drove back to the Anderson’s house with the earlier events playing in his mind like a horror movie. A clear hot flame of anger sparked to life inside of him as he remembered Roy’s verbal rampage. Jim didn’t know what he would’ve done if Cece hadn’t been strapped to his chest. The little infant had been his center of balance, keeping him steady and in control.


Jim pulled up on the Anderson’s drive way and walked up the front steps. But before he had a chance to ring the bell, the door flew open.


Pam stood before him, eyes glazed, skin pale. There was a shade of deep sadness on her face.


A myriad of questions raged through his head. “What happened? Is Roy come back? Where’s Cece?”


“Sh-she’s right here.” Pam said, pointing to the car seat on the floor. “I-I can’t s-stay h-here,” she said and broke down in sobs.


Jim pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. The wetness of her tears soaked through his shirt to bathe his skin. He cradled her closer, keeping her safe, breathing in the familiar scent that mixed with the very essence of her. While he hated seeing her in distress, he couldn't help but think how it felt so good, so right, with her in his arms.


“Pam, tell me what happened,” he said, bending his head down to look at her, feeling the tremors racking her body with each sob, her ragged breath as she clung to him. “Did you talk to Adele?” Jim asked, but she didn’t answer. Drawing back a fraction, he cupped her face in his hand, prompting her to look at him. Damp, spiky lashes parted and reddened green eyes looked into his. “Did you talk to her?” He repeated.


“S-She… S-She’s n-not...” The words were fractures, broken, ripped from within her. “S-She’s h-hurt… I h-hurt her…” Pam mumbled. “I-I have to l-leave.”


Jim kissed her cheek, tasting the slightly salty moisture of her tears. “I’m sorry, Pam.” He pulled her even closer and whispered against her hair. “Come with me?” he asked.


“W-Where?”


“My parent’s house.” Before Pam’s confused look turned into a question, he quickly added, “My dad is away and we’ll have the house to ourselves. At least until we can figure things out. Plus, it’s better than bringing her to a hotel room.” Jim released Pam with a kiss and went to grab the car seat. Cece was alert and looking straight up at him. “Please?” he asked.


Pam smiled faintly and nodded.


The drive back to Jim’s parent’s house was silent. There was nothing he could say to dull Pam’s anguish. She had to come to terms with this predicament on her own. The deafening silence inside the car was only broken by Cece’s whimpers. Pam immediately swiveled her head back to check on her.


“Is she okay?” Jim asked, looking in the rearview mirror.


“I think she’s hungry. What time is it?” Pam turned forwards, looking at the time on the dash board. “Yeah, it’s been more than two hours since I last nursed her. She’s hungry.”


“We are almost there,” Jim said, looking at his rear view mirror. “Just a few more minutes.”


Once they arrived, Jim led Pam to what used to be his room and went to find his mom. But Betsy was nowhere to be found. Jim questioned the housekeeper, but she didn’t know where Betsy had gone. Adele wasn’t the only one dealing with the repercussions of this situation and it pained Jim to know that his mother was also grief-stricken with how everything had turned out. This fact alone put Pam’s pain in a whole different perspective.


Jim quietly ascended the stairs, entered his old room, and sat next to Pam, while she nursed a hungry Cece. The helplessness which Pam had felt just days ago while nursing the small baby seemed a thing of the past. The easiness emanating from her put a smile on his face.


“How are you feeling?”


“I’m…” Pam sighed. “I just feel this was all my fault. I shouldn’t have let this snowball like it did.”


“I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, that there’s a lot of blame to go around for everyone. It’s not ALL your fault. ”


“Adele will never forgive me.”


“I think you need to let her process everything before you say that.”


“The way she looked at me…she was so angry and heartbroken,” Pam said, wiping a few pesky tears pooling at her eyes. “I’ve seen her at her lowest and I’ve never seen that look on her face.” Pam heaved a heavy sigh and said, “I must’ve been delusion to expect a better outcome.”


“I think you need to go easy on yourself right now, otherwise…” Jim added, “This self-deprecating feeling is going to take precedence over everything else.”


“I know all this. Trust me. It’s just…I can’t help but feel this way.”


Instead of trying to convince her otherwise, Jim just placed his arm around his family and pulled them closer. Although he looked calm and composed, his body was tense and tightly coiled. The effects of what had happened earlier were still rippling through him. He had never, before this, felt so protective of someone before.


The next words came out straight from his heart, “I promise you, no matter what happens, I will always be there fo you, someone you can count on. I’m here for you always.”


“No matter what happens?” Pam asked.


“No matter what happens, because…” Jim said, curling a stray curl behind her ear, “I love you.”
****


When Betsy returned home after running a few errands, she was surprised to see Jim’s car parked on the driveway of the house. She entered the house and went to Jim’s bedroom.


“Jimmy?” Betsy said, knocking on the door. When he didn’t answer she slowly began to push the door open. “Everybody decent?” She asked, but still no answer. She then cautiously peered into the room and the sight that greeted her was just too sweet for words.


Jim was sitting on the bed with pillow shams behind his back, dozing. With one hand on Cece’s back and the other on her diapered bottom, he held her securely on his chest, over his heart. She was also slumbering – her little mouth was parted in the tiniest ‘o’ and her little fingers were tightly clasped around dad’s shirt.


Not wanting to disrupt, Betsy began to slowly close the door, but the creaking noise woke stirred Jim awake. “Pam?” He asked, his voice wrapped with sleep.


“Hey,” she Betsy said. “It’s me. Just making sure you guys were doing okay. You can go back to sleep.”


“No, no…come in…” Jim said, sitting up a little straighter. “I probably shouldn’t sleep while I watch her anyways.” Jim looked down at Cece and placed a light kiss on her fuzzy head.


“You are a parent, not a babysitter, Jimmy. Cuddle away,” she said with a smile. “You guys doing okay?”


“We’re okay. As okay as anyone can be in this situation.”


“How’s Pam?” Betsy asked.


“She’s in the shower,” Jim said pointing towards the bathroom.


“No, how is she? Is she okay?”


“She’s devastated by all of this. Adele has been a mother to her, more than her own.”


Betsy walked further into the room and sat next to him. “Adele loves Pam like she’s her own daughter. I can’t see Adele rejecting Pam, or Cece.” She placed her hand gently over Cece’s back. The warmth radiating from the baby was enough to whelm her heart. “Adele needs time to take it all in,” Betsy said, smiling down at the sleeping baby. “Adele will come around.”


“I hope so,” Jim said with a sigh. “Where’d go? Are you just getting in?”


“Yes. I was running a few errands. But don’t worry, I’m not staying long.”


“Mom, you don’t have to go. Seriously,” Jim pleaded. “Don’t make me feel like I’m kicking you out of your own house.”


“Jimmy, you’re not kicking me out. I actually have some unfinished business to deal with,” Betsy said.


“Does it involve dad?”


“Don’t worry about me or you dad,” Betsy said dismissively. “Worry about Pam and the baby.” Betsy flashed a strained smile. “Oh, I told Martha to stock up the fridge. And before I forget…I have a humidifier that you can use. The air can get so dry in here.” Betsy said waving her hands around.


Jim smiled. “We are okay, mom. Really.”


“Don’t set up the pack and play next to the window. It can get really drafty at night.”


“I know, mom,” Jim said, taking Cece’s tiny hand and placing a small peck there. “But I don’t know if I can surrender her to that thing.”


Betsy patted Jim’s leg. “She’s got you wrapped around her little finger already.”


Jim chuckled. “Maybe.”


Just then Pam walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom toweling her hair dry. “Did you happen to see my… Oh,” Pam said noticing Betsy. “Hi Betsy,” she said – her flushed porcelain cheeks contrasting vividly with the white bathrobe.


“Hey, Pam,” Betsy said standing up. “I was just telling Jim that if you need anything for Cece or yourself, to just let Martha know."


Pam’s demeanor shriveled like that of an introverted child. "T-Thank you. I-I will.”


“I’ll be on my way now,” Betsy said. She approached Jim and gently rubbed Cece’s back. She then walked up to Pam and hugged her unexpectedly. She held on to Pam just a little longer. “Okay,” Betsy sighed. “I’ll see you guys around.”


“Betsy…I just wanted to say…” Pam began, but Betsy was quick to fathom what was at the tips of Pam’s tongue.


“I don’t need explanations or apologies,” Betsy said. “My son is back and I have a beautiful granddaughter. What happened in the past is the past.” Betsy paused and looked at Jim. “I made plenty of mistakes, but I want to right the wrong I’ve naïvely become part of.” Betsy’s eyes welled with tears. “You guys have a chance at a fresh start, don’t waste it.”


“Mom…” Jim began.


“I’m okay,” Betsy said, dismissing the tears rolling down her cheek. “I haven’t been this okay in a while.” She quickly dabbed at her eyes and added, “Take care now.” Without another word Betsy turned on her feet and walked out of the room.


“Do you think she’s okay with everything?” Pam said, sliding onto the bed, closer to Jim.


“I think she’s going to talk to my dad,” Jim said. “I told her about him and I don’t know how she’ll handle it.”


“This is a mess,” Pam sighed, her voice softening a bit. “Everything seems to be spiraling downwards. We keep hitting rock bottom, over and over again.” Her gaze touched his with the same intensity it always had, but there was something more. Though she was still struggling to mask the turmoil, he saw it.


“I think things can only look up from now on.” Jim looked down at little Cece as she yawned, showing off her gums, not opening her eyes. “Right?”


“I hope so,” Pam said. “But what does this mean for us?”


Jim sighed and rested his forehead against hers. “What do you want it to mean?” He asked. “I don’t have to tell where I want this to go.”


Pam smiled but there was a trace of sadness in her eyes. “I’m scared that…”


Jim saw the question forming and interrupted, “If you are scared that this,” he said gesturing between them, “Has run its course…don’t be. I think our story is just beginning. Actually,” he corrected himself. “It’s continuing…A new chapter.”


“A new chapter, huh?” She said with a smile.


“Yeah, and we can write it anyway we want it.”


“I like that.”


Jim closed the space between them in one fluid movement, and kissed her slowly, reveling in the way she reciprocated.

*


*

“When was the last time you came to one of these?” Pam asked, looking at him.

Jim looked nervous and uneasy. He would have rather taken upon himself the sole responsibility for changing diapers if it meant he could evade this for another year.

“Um…” Jim said frowning, watching the crowds of vaguely familiar faces ambling about. “I don’t know. Maybe the year before I left for Scranton?”

His tone matched his face, anxious and tense. Pam shifted Cece to one arm and ran her free hand up and down Jim’s back. “I think it we’ll be okay,” she assured him. “And you’re not the only one hesitant about tonight,” she added, gesturing her head to the little girl in her arms.

Jim looked at his daughter, watching her little eyes peep narrowly at the people passing by. Jim scrunched his face, making a silly attempt to bring about her smile. Cece locked her big blue eyes with his and a hint of a smirk tugged the corners of her cherub lips.

“Remember,” Pam advised him. “If we go in, there’s no coming back.”

“Actually, I’m a master of leaving parties early,” he said puffing his chest. “The key is you have to make a strong impression. So, you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point for later…”

“You’re making that up.”

“No, I am not. Remember last year, New Years? Yeah, I was home by nine.”

Pam narrowed her eyes like Cece had done just moments ago. “I know what you’re doing,” she said. “Quit stalling and let’s go inside.”

Jim hung his head in defeat. “Fine.”

They slowly entered the large ballroom. Cece’s head immediately popped up from Pam’s shoulder, eyeing the colorful decorations hung around the room. It was all evidence of Betsy’s careful planning. But the biggest attraction was the gigantic pine tree that stood tall with colored icicles and big red shinny balls hanging from its branches. And with all the presents underneath, it looked like a picture from a book.

“You like that?” Pam asked, watching Cece’s little finger point to the Christmas tree. Pam turned to Jim and said, “I think your parent’s outdid themselves this year.”

“Yeah, seems like it,” Jim said gazing in wonder around the room. “Oh Cee, Look?”

Cece swiveled her curly head around and saw what her dad was pointing to. “Gamma!” She shouted, quickly arched her back, and slid down from Pam’s arms. She toddled to her Grandma’s open arms as fast as her little legs could take her.

“C’mere baby girl,” Adele said, taking the small tot into her arms. “You look so pretty. Who gave you that dress, huh?”

“Mamma,” Cece said coyly.

“You guys…” Adele said, pulling Jim and Pam for a collective hug. Cece giggled, squished in the middle. “I can’t believe you came.” Spying the car seat Jim was holding she added, “How’s the little man?”

Jim lifted the car seat and said, “Sleeping.”

Adele lowered Cece to the floor and lifted the blanket covering the car seat. The small baby boy slumbered serenely. His chubby cheeks reminded her of Cece when she was that little. She pulled the blanket back down and asked, “Does Betsy know you’re here?”

“No, not yet,” Pam said.

“She’s going to be thrilled,” Adele said. “Our tables are at the front. Betsy has seats reserved in case you decided to come. I’m going to go find Joe and tell him you’re here. I’ll meet you back there.” She turned her attention to Cece and said, “Wanna go see grandpa?”

Cece’s eyes beamed. Adele held out her hand and the little girl reached out and seized the older woman’s hand.

Jim watched Adele and Cece fade amongst the crowds of people. He looked around the room and a sense of nostalgia began to slowly creep up on him. He remembered running around as a kid in search for new adventures in this same ballroom. He’d kissed the beautiful Amy Brennan in one of the coat closets one year. There was also the year that the electricity went out, and how could he forget the time Larissa puked all over his dress shoes. This place held a lot of memories for him.

“I guess we have to make our way up there, huh?” Pam said pulling him from his reverie.

“Wha…up where?” Jim asked.

“Our table. Adele said your mom has seats saved for us.”

“Oh, yeah…Let’s go,” Jim said.

As they began weaving their way through the clusters of people, Jim noticed some heads turning. Maybe he was being paranoid. But what had happened was no secret. They had all followed Jim through his rebellion, the Katie scandal, and then his sudden disappearance. He grew up in the public eye and knew his dirty laundry was washed for everyone to see. But one thing was talking about him; another was talking about his family, his kids.

As they approached the front tables, they heard the inevitable shrieks that came when Betsy’s eyes landed on them.

“Jimmy?” She asked incredulously.

“Hey, mom.”

She got up from her seat and briskly walked around the table towards them. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said and pulled them for a hug.

Seeing the happiness radiating from her, made suffering through this year’s Christmas party almost worth it. “We all came,” Jim said, raising the car seat.

“Aww,” she said, placing a hand over her heart. “Oh, Phillip…How’s he? Is he still colicky?”

“He’s doing much better today,” Pam said.

“And where’s my Swea’Pea Cecelia?” Betsy asked.

“Adele already snatched her away,” Pam said.

“Come, come,” Betsy said, pulling them by their hands. “I have seats reserved for you. They’ll be serving dinner soon.”

“Good, ‘cause I’m starving!” Pam said.

After they settled, Adele returned with Cece, who toddled towards dad as soon as she saw him. She reached Jim’s legs and pulled on his pants, chanting, “Uupp!”

“C’mere,” he said and pulled Cece up on to his lab, planting a smacking kiss on her cheek. “So, how far along are we on the program, mom?” Jim asked.

“Your father’s about to give his speech,” Betsy said and immediately saw the ripple effect on Jim’s face.

“I thought he wasn’t giving a speech this year,” Jim said.

“Jimmy your dad won’t try anything tonight. He knows better than to do that.”

“I thought he knew better at our wedding, at Cece’s baptism…” Jim heaved a sigh. “I know what he’s trying to do.”

“He wants to right the wrongs.”

“By making himself be the victim. And where better to do than here, amongst his greatest allies?” Jim said gesturing around them.

Pam placed her hand on Jim’s leg, urging him to ease down. Jim looked at her and took a long breath before saying, “If he wanted to right the wrongs, why didn’t he come to the hospital when Phil was born? He hasn’t seen him and he doesn’t seem to want to be a part of his life. Does any of this ring a bell?”

People were beginning take notice of their conversation. Pam interjected, changing the subject. “Is Larissa coming?”

“Her flight got in this morning. When I left the house she was getting ready. Tom is meeting her there and she’s coming with them.”

“What about Pete?”

“He and Marcy are running a little late, but they are on their way.” Betsy pulled her chair closer to Jim and whispered. “Jimmy, give your dad a chance.” She waited until Jim met her gaze before she said, “I did.”

Jim ran a hand over his face and said, “I tried.” He kissed the top of Cece’s head and added, “And I did it for them, not me.” Jim looked around and he could see the tension he had created. Pam’s demeanor had shriveled and Adele just sat across from them watching the scene as it unfolded. “I think I’m gonna show Cece around,” Jim said in an attempt to dissolve whatever ill feeling had begun to materialized.

“Jimmy,” his mother called. “I’m really glad you came.”
***

Pam watched Jim bounce Cece in his arms as he slowly walked away from the table. She knew coming here would stir feelings that they’d forgotten, events that seemed so far in the past that it was almost as if they’d dreamed and not lived through them. But time passed and even after the addition of a new little member in their family, Gerry had remained constant. His attempts to mend what was broken, only added flame to an already burning fire.

The real reason why they had come to the Christmas party this year was because Gerry had called her a few days ago, insisting that they come. His request felt genuine. He said he wanted one more chance to patch things between him and Jim. It wasn’t so much the reasoning for his request, but the way he said it. Unlike other times, Gerry seemed calm and unpretentious. Pam believed him wholeheartedly. Maybe she was wrong to have insisted that they come.

“I think I’m going to go find him,” she said. “Can you keep an eye on Phillip?”

Both grandmothers nodded.

Pam walked in the direction that Jim had gone minutes before. She swiveled her head around looking through the crowds of people ambling by. She walked towards the bathrooms, the hallways, but she didn’t’ find them. She was almost giving up her search, when someone touched her shoulder.

She turned around and saw Gerry standing before her. “Hey, Gerry.”

“Hey, Pam. I’m so glad you came.”

“I’m glad to be here too,” Pam said, gazing past Gerry to see if she could spot Jim.

“Did Jim come?” Gerry asked hesitantly.

“We all did, Gerry,” Pam said.

“Are you looking for someone?” Gerry asked, watching Pam eyes search around the ballroom.

“Yes, actually. I’m looking for Jim.”

Gerry looked around the room and said, “If he’s not here, he’s at the foyer. There’s a mosaic on the far wall. He loved that thing.”

Pam’s face softened.

“I meant what I said to you on the phone,” Gerry said. “I’ll see you around.”

Pam watched the older man fade into the crowd of people, who acknowledged him with lots of pump and circumstance. She turned on her heels and made a bee line towards the foyer. She walked to the far wall and saw Jim standing before the mosaic Gerry had mentioned. It was structure made of colorful glass shards and depending where you stood the pictures changed.

Pam walked up to Jim and stood next to him. “What do you see?” Pam asked.

Cece’s head swiveled to the sound of Pam’s voice. She stretched her little arms towards Pam and Jim carefully let her slide into mom’s open arms.

“I see a tree, you?” Jim asked.

“Umm… I think I see a cat?” Pam said.

There was a moment of silence while Pam tried to conjure the right words to say to him.

“If you stand three steps to the left, you can see the Italian flag. At least I think it’s the Italian flag. It could be Mexico’s though,” Jim said.

Pam smiled and finally summed up the courage to ask, “You okay?”

Jim looked at his wife and planted a kiss on her temple. “I know what he’s trying to do and as much as I try to put everything in the backburner, I can’t. It’s really, really hard for me to try to understand how he could’ve done what he has to his kids.” Jim shook his head add and added, “I could never do that.”

“You don’t know if he’s going to do anything tonight,” Pam said, adjusting Cece in her arms.

“I know he called you.”

Pam was taken aback. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words vaporized on her tongue.

“It’s okay. I came because I want to put this to rest. C’mon,” Jim said, taking her hand. “People are going to start looking for us soon.”
***

Jim tugged at Pam’s hand, guiding her through the ballroom once more. They reached the table just as Gerry was taking the stage. At the table, Pam sat with Cece while Jim reached for Phil, who was fussing in Betsy’s arms. Jim laid the little man against his chest and padded his back softly. “I think he’s hungry?” Jim whispered to Pam.

“Umm… His bottle is on the side pocket,” Pam said, pointing at the diaper bag.

Jim reached for the bag and fished out the bottle out. He adjusted Phil on his arm and gave him the bottle. The little boy sucked at the bottle with all his might, so urgent and desperate that the sight of him made Jim laugh. “Yup, he was hungry.”

The microphone made a high pitch noise, followed by two strong thumps. Everyone turned their heads towards the stage to see Gerry fiddling with the microphone.

“Testing 1, 2...” Gerry said to the microphone. “Can everyone hear me?” After a conscientious ‘yes’ from those in the room Gerry began his speech. Jim looked at Pam and she smiled. Just like previous years, Gerry started with the joke about the wobbly stage. Then he continued mentioning the partners present in the room and all the associates. Then he told a retrospective anecdote about the company and how it started with one investee, adding his famous line, “It only takes one.”

Jim looked at Phil and he was half asleep, but still going strong with the bottle. Pam had her eyes on the stage, bouncing Cece on her lap. Jim looked at Phil again and pulled the bottle slowly from his lips. He propped Phil on his shoulder and began patting his back. He was going to reach for a burp cloth when the room broke up in applause. Jim looked up to the stage and saw Gerry walking off.

Jim frowned and looked at Pam, “Is it over?”

“Yeah, I guess. They are serving food next.”

Jim’s brow furrowed a little and he lost himself momentarily. The feeling that he had been wrong about tonight was pulsing in his mind. He’d been sure his dad was going to pull his best trick out of the proverbial magician’s hat. But he hadn’t. Jim was so caught up with the swirling thoughts in his head that he didn’t see Phillip spit up on his jacket.

“Jim...Phil did it again,” Pam said grabbing the burp cloth and wiping the oozing liquid.

“Oh Phil, we talked about this,” Jim said. He kissed Phillip on his belly and settled him back on the crook of his arm. “It’s fine,” he told Pam. “It’s clean enough.”

Just then, Gerry approached the table and everyone became silent.

“Is this little Phillip?” Gerry asked, looking down at the squirmy baby in Jim’s arms.

Before Jim had a chance to answer, Pam said, “Yes, this is Phillip James Halpert.”

“And where’s Miss Cecelia?” Gerry asked, gazing at the curly haired little girl peering her big blue eyes at him. “You know, I have something for you.”

“Ooh Cece,” Betsy chimed in. “Grampa’s got a present for you!”

Cece’s eyes twinkled.

Gerry reached behind him and produced a worn out book. It looked like it had been read and re-read over and over again.

Looking at the cover, Cece immediately piped up. “I seeee bown beah!”

Gerry chuckled. “I see you’ve read this book.”

“It’s one of her favorites,” Pam said and quickly gazed at Jim, who stared blankly at the book. Pam cleared her throat and added, “Jim reads to her every night.”

“You know,” Gerry said to Cece, who extended her little hands to grab the book. “I used to read to your dad every night too.”

Although, Jim was doing a tremendous job at digesting and concealing the emotions bubbling within him, Pam could see a slight glassy film covering his eyes.

Gerry handed the book to Cece and she immediately opened the book. Inside, Pam saw written: To Jimmy. Love, dad.

Jim was still silent, cradling Phillip in his arms. Gerry then placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and said, “Congratulations on the new bundle.”

“Thanks,” Jim said, finally ending his silent streak.

“I’m really glad you guys came. Enjoy the rest of the party. Don’t forget there are treats for everyone under the tree.”

With that, Gerry left. Jim dabbed the corner of his eyes and said, “I can’t believe he kept that all these years.”

“If he kept it, there was a reason. He cares Jim.” She reached over and rested her hand on his leg.

Jim adjusted Phillip on his arms and said, “Maybe he does.” Jim released a gush of air and added, “I’ll take it.”

“Glad you came?” she asked.

Jim nodded. “It’s a step in the right direction.”

Pam smiled. Definitely a step in the right direction.


*Fim