Pilot

Jan says Scranton's sales she'll be graphing
Seems that corporate might reduce their staffing.
But Michael's less boss and more friend,
Doesn't care how much they spend,
Is he kidding? Cuz the staff's not laughing

Jim's a paper salesman without peer
But his single greatest fear
Is to stay there too long -
He avoids promotion and stays strong -
Lest the job should become a career.

"Pam, the receptionist, is cute!"
Michael says and it gives him a hoot.
Engaged to Roy for years
It nearly brings her to tears
When Michael points out the wedding is moot.

For Dwight, Jim's antics are a pain
(He's played by an actor named Rainn)
"Only an idiotic fellow
Would put a stapler in Jello!"
Is Dwight's familiar refrain.

From the very first show it's plain
Jim gazes at Pam with eyes of pain.
Jim's in love, it's the worst,
Too bad Roy found her first,
As Jim's feelings aren't likely to wane.

Diversity Day

Michael loves Chris Rock's bit
But to repeat it in the office? What a twit!
Corporate sent Mr. Brown
To get Michael to come around
"My behavior was wrong" he won't admit.

So the boss arranged his own meeting
Thinks racism he alone is defeating.
With all the snipes
And the stereotypes
It's amazing his career isn't more fleeting.

For Jim's big client Dwight made a play
And ended up stealing him away.
But Pam's energy was tapped
On Jim's shoulder she napped
And it ended up being a good day.

Health Care

Never one to take on hard work
Michael gives Dwight the duty so he can shirk
Hides behind his closed door
Promises ice cream sandwiches and more
But he's only just being a jerk.

Dwight lets the power go to his head
Fills his coworkers with dread.
"Make a list of diseases
And do as I pleases
Or from Count Choculitis, you'll be dead."

Jim and Pam make their own list
Attempting to make Dwight desist.
"Spontaneous dentohydroplosion
Causes immediate tooth erosion.
It's a serious problem,"  they insist.

Dwight is skeptical at first
But their problem isn't the worst
Anal fissures are serious
Making Kevin delirious
And Dwight's bubble is about to burst.

From his office Michael finally emerged
As the wrath of the workers converged
Dwight relents, they're placated
The crisis is abated
At least until the Scranton Office gets merged!

The Alliance

Dwight watches too much Survivor
And that is his primary driver
To ally himself with Jim
But the chances are slim
That the alliance will keep him aliver.

Jim shares the secret with Pam
When Dwight spots him, Jim's stuck in a jam
But Pam's got the inside track
To find out corporate's tack
And help the "alliance" in their scam.

Convinced that it's best for the team
Dwight gets lured into Jim's scheme
As sly as a fox
He seals himself in a box
To glean information, so it would seem.

Michael wants to boost office spirits
Downsizing rumors are causing fits
Meredith is befuddled
Her birthday date was muddled.
It's amazing that nobody here ever quits!

Jim gets caught up in the game
And Pam is giddy all the same
He gets a little too close
Which makes Roy bellicose
Leaving Jim to endure the shame.

Basketball

An athlete is what Michael fancies himself in name
But he's short and he's slow and he's lame
His ball handling skills
Could use some practice drills
But he challenges the warehouse to a game.

Darryl and Roy assemble their gear
Assured they'll kick the office in the rear
Michael thinks he got game
Destined for the Hall of Fame
And with his face mask, Dwight inspires fear.

Stanley can't play a whit
Michael benches Phyllis, what a twit.
Pam talks trash
Jim acts brash
And they make a wager on it.

The game becomes quite heated
It appears the office will be defeated
Jim leads the charge; they fight back
Until Roy gives Jim a cheap hack
Michael declares victory, which team has cheated?

Pam takes notice as Jim's talents shone
Her smile displays a more intimate tone.
But he faces his own wrath
Picturing Pam and Roy in a bath
As he's heading home all alone.

Hot Girl

A vendor who was particularly pretty
Came to sell purses from the city.
She sets up her wares
Michael just stares
And he tries his best to be witty.

Michael's attempts to woo her fall flat.
Then Roy commits a faux pas, imagine that,
When he mentions to Jim
That if it were him
He'd be on that girl in two seconds flat.

Pam became slightly enraged
And not just because she was upstaged
By the hot girl in question,
No, the problem was Roy's suggestion
That he and Pam were merely dating, not engaged.

Jim grows weary of Roy's taunting
And doesn't find the conquest daunting
He just turns up the heat,
Sweeps Katy off her feet,
And leaves Pam with an image that's haunting.

The Dundies

Michael has gotten in his head
An idea that fills the office with dread
In order to boost morale
He'll be a one-man chorale
And torture the employees while they're fed.

The Dundies is what this fiasco is called
The words of famous songs are mauled
Awards are given
To keep employees driven
But they'd much rather in a tomb be walled.

The day starts out with this scene -
Michael, not intending to be mean,
Has Pam watch old recordings
To find the best awardings
Though she'd much rather face the guillotine.

Jim, in shining armor, plays her knight
Tells Michael it just wouldn't be right
To have Pam Beesly win
For longest engagement - again!
Too bad Michael just isn't that bright.

At Chili's, Pam and Roy have a tiff
He wants to leave but she tells him if
She'd only been asked
She wouldn't feel so tasked
And maybe he should go jump off a cliff.

When 'whitest sneakers' is the award Pam has won
She thanks god and Michael and has fun
As she whoops back to Jim
Throws her arms round him
Kisses that boy like she probably wished he'd done.

By the time Pam falls off her stool
Jim's already grinning like a fool
Second drinks give ignition
To lower her inhibition
This night has turned out pretty cool.

For Angela, they wait outside in the lot.
She looks at him, stomach in a knot.
When she has a request,
Hope rises in his chest,
But she chokes as usual, not saying what she ought.

Sexual Harassment

Michael loves emails forwards - he is the king
But Jan doesn't like them and here is the thing
Seems everyone else hates 'em
And Angela berates them
Michael needs the corporate lawyer is Jan's thinking.

When Todd Packer shows up the fun can begin
Calls Jim a queer and says it with a grin
But Todd has been DUI'in
And needs to get Ryan
To chauffeur him, much to the poor temp's chagrin.

Packer's an ass and they all wish him dead
But Michael thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread
When Jan admonishes him
He's then provoked by Jim -
Michael can't resist a "That's what she said".

Pam's mother for a visit is due
Jim is excited to talk to her too
When Roy walks in to greet her
It appears Jim won't get to meet her
But when she whispers "which one's Jim?" his smile grew.

The company anti-harassment policy Toby reviews
But common sense is not something Michael does use
No wonder he's a loner
Says Phyllis gives him a boner
And he's once again guilty of abuse.

Office Olympics

It's the expense reports that cause Jim's demise
Good thing Pam is around and she's so darn wise
Her duty is his revival
It's key to their survival
In an office where creativity withers and dies.

When Michael and Dwight leave for the closing
Jim looks around for some fun to be exposing
Kevin and Oscar have hateball
Toby throws balls at his wall
Soon the Office Olympics is what Jim's proposing.

Deep down Jim's really a creative guy
Pam admires that and proceeds to say why
When he gets inspiration
It negates his consternation
Over the dull work days just slipping by.

There are medals and laughter and games
Nobody's bored or calling each other names
Even Stanley's caught grinning
Although Phyllis is winning
In Flonkerton, as he goes down in flames.

Toby and Oscar are in a heated race
When Michael returns from his brand new place
All of a sudden the games are delayed
And Jim's left feeling somewhat betrayed
'Til the closing ceremonies which he pulls off with grace.

The Fire

Ryan doesn't want to be the office "something guy"
And he's about to find out the reason why
That though he didn't ever aspire
To be the temp who started the fire
Sometimes fate can truly be sly.

Out in the lot while the employees are waiting
Jim takes charge, there's no debating.
In a circle he makes them gather
To play "desert island", and "would you rather"
And "who would you do" they'll also be stating.

The games turn out to be revealing
Some answers leave them all reeling
Angela would burn books on a whim
All the women would like to do Jim
And who knew that Roy would find Angela appealing?

Jim has made a date with Katy for lunch
When she called about it, Pam's panties were in a bunch
But when Katy makes her desert island pick
It's clear her tastes and Jim's conflict
"Not a keeper", is Pam's very strong hunch.

Halloween

The Halloween task for the boss
Will mean one employee's loss
There's waste in accounting
And the pressure is mounting
The situation makes Michael quite cross.

An original costume is getting hard to find
You can have Jim regular or the 3 holed kind
Pam's little tail
Is making Jim wail
(If she went home with him do you think Roy would mind?)

Jim and Pam have plans for the day
Which involve making Dwight go away
It would just be so great
If he'd move out of state
So they proceed to post his resume.

In Maryland they find him a possibility
But Dwight causes the employer irritability
Then Jim suffers indigestion
When Pam makes the suggestion
That the job would make good use of Jim's ability.

When she sees that he's hurt she wants to shout
If Jim ever left she'd blow her brains out.
Even though it'd be smart
For Jim to make a new start
Being close to Pam is what he's all about.

Michael finally settles on firing Creed
And he's actually commenced the dirty deed
When in the midst of his firing
Creed starts conspiring
And somehow Devon's dispatched with great speed.

The Fight

Once a year comes the perfect storm
Michael has to practice his form
There are three major reports due
But the boss is the one who
Is the slacker and needs some reform.

Instead of just finishing his tasks
In procrastination he seemingly basks
His man crush on Ryan
Causes him to start pryin'
"Update the employee contacts" is what he asks.

Pam think his priorities are askew
"Is that really what you want to do?"
Michael tries to be tough
But he's cool, so it's rough
It's a classical Catch-22.

Once Michael finds out Ryan's cell
He starts putting the poor temp through hell
The calls are incessant
It's really unpleasant
Michael's forte's not pleasing his personnel.

After being humiliated by Dwight
Michael agrees to face him in a fight
They go to Dwight's dojo
Where he uses all his mojo
And gives poor Michael a fright.

Pam is fooling around with Jim
When Meredith happens to notice him
Wrestling with her a bit
Then Pam nearly has a fit
And suddenly she's all proper and prim.

The Client

Michael and Jan have a client meeting
She thinks their chances are fleeting
That the client will sign
But it might turn out fine
If Michael can just keep him eating.

Michael tells inappropriate jokes
That wouldn't amuse most folks
Jan grows alarmed
But the client is disarmed
And when they close the deal Jan nearly chokes.

Maybe it's some romantic reminiscing
Or maybe it's Gould that Jan's missing
Perhaps she's a light drinker
And not a clear thinker
But she and Michael end up in the parking lot kissing.

Meanwhile back at the DM paper mine
Pam makes a fabulous find
Seems Michael has penned
A tale of pretend
Should they read it? The boss wouldn't mind!

Jim calls together a meeting
Pam's discovery merits a reading
"Agent Michael Scarn"
Spins quite a compelling yarn
Any guilt that they feel is quite fleeting.

Dwight is against it from the beginning
But it's an argument he has no hope of winning
Wait - Samuel Chang the dolt is Dwight?
Find and replace got it right
'Cept for one "Dwigt" that leaves them all grinning.

When Dwight takes offense they go to intermission
Then it's Jim's turn to start his own important mission
Pam's delighted he made her dinner
Candlelight, fireworks - why can't he win her?
It's not like he doesn't have the ambition.

Before leaving they listen to Jim's ipod.
The next day things get somewhat odd
When Jim calls the night a date
Which Pam chooses to debate
See, swaying's not dancing, his logic's flawed.
 
Performance Review

Nobody's sure why the boss would refuse
To proceed with their performance reviews
Jan's visit's a distraction
Michael feels an attraction
And he's wonders if her voice mail holds any clues.

Pam's in Michael's office to interpret
'Cause he'll get it wrong I would bet
And it's clear events that transpired
May have been what Michael desired
But now Jan is experiencing major regret.

In the meantime Jim makes a discovery
That's a serendipitous uncovery
Though it's Thursday seems Dwight thinks
That it's Friday - after many drinks
He apparently didn't make a fast recovery.

The reviews are going all to hell
Michael is unfocused as well
The suggestion box holds no clues
There's just nothing there to use
And they all refer to Michael and his smell.

Jan tries to lead Michael to the conclusion
That he's suffering from a serious delusion
She'll date him roughly never
Did she mention never, ever?
But her clarity can't allay Michael's confusion.

EMail Surveillance
 
Michael gets an idea in his head
Sure to fill the employees with dread.
Their emails he'll be reading
And Michael's heart is bleeding
When he finds out what's being said.
 
There's a party to which he's not invited
He just can't believe that he has been slighted
Must be an oversight
Surely Jim will make it right
But his response leaves Michael less than delighted.
 
Anyway Michael has his improvisation class
Though he doesn't know his fellow students think him an ass
His scenarios are all the same
Guns and shooting are so lame
As for socializing with him they'll take a pass.
 
Jim's party that night is in full rocking swing
When Pam arrives alone and makes his heart sing
The tour leads her to his room
Where he can feel his heart go zoom
Too bad she's sporting that enagagement ring.
 
Spurned by his mates, Michael shows up uninvited
His crushed spirits are all reignited
Not one to feel shame
His karaoke turn is lame
But when Jim joins him Michael thinks all is righted.
 
Christmas Party
 
It's yuletime again at Dunder Mifflin
Santa don't want to hear no snifflin'
Jim finally feels like he wins
He's Pam's secret Santa, he grins
But he's the only one who's gonna be whistlin'.
 
His hopes for winning her over have gotten a lift
And he's bought her such a thoughtful gift
A teapot and so much more
Filled with special memories galore
But Michael starts a Yankee swap and he gets miffed.
 
Seems Jim has finally taken a chance
To end his and Pam's platonic dance
Enclosed a card he's written
Does it confess to Pam that he's smitten?
Christmas is the perfect time for romance.
 
Jim wimps out with his card but now here's an amusing sight
Kelly staggers into the break room and plants a kiss on Dwight!
Dwight is left confused
Angela is definitely not amused
Merry drunken Christmas to all and to all a good night!
 
 
Booze Cruise
 
It's time for the first quarter camaraderie event
A mysterious memo from Michael has been sent
They've been told what to pack
But it's just Michael talking smack
Just another trick his employees will resent.

They gather in the conference room to meet
Michael reveals the location of the retreat
But the staff is less than thrilled
A Booze Cruise in January is quite chilled
Although Meredith finds the booze thing quite sweet.

At the lake Michael greets the crowd
Sporting his hat and making quips of which he's proud
But he's stepping on Captain Jack's toes
Jack won't hesitate to interpose
Michael will soon find out his antics aren't allowed.

The boat finally gets under steam
Michael tries to start motivating his team
But the partying starts up quick
Meredith holds Captain Jack's stick
And Michael's dancing is absurd to the extreme.
 
Soon Pam wants to wring Roy's neck
And he treats her insignificant as heck
Watching Darryl's snorkel shot
Is cooler than finding a quiet spot
So Pam and Jim head outside on the deck.
 
She tells him she sometimes doesn't get Roy
With Jim's emotions is she just trying to toy?
He's not sure how to read her
"What's it like dating a cheerleader?"
Is the only thing she can say to that boy.
 
Will the anguish Jim shows make him bold?
Aching to take her in his arms to hold
It takes 27 silent seconds
Before meek little Pam reckons
That she has to go in 'cause she's cold.
 
Later, it's the receptionist Jim will confess
Who he'd save first, were the boat in distress
At last he heads for Pam full-blown
On making his feelings known
When suddenly Roy makes an address.
 
See, Roy's had a bit too much to drink
And Captain Jack's words have made him think
It's been too long a wait
Time to set the wedding date
Jim barely has strength left to blink.
 
Roy and Pam are in heaven; Jim's in hell
Then Katy asks about their future as well
"Think that'll ever be us?"
But it should be obvious
Jim loves Pam but he'll never tell.
 
Jim finally heads outside for some air
To a tied-up Michael he lays his feelings bare
Jim's pain is somewhat assuaged
When he's told 'married ain't engaged'
And perhaps having hope at last he can dare.
 
The Injury
 
Michael awakes with an achin'
To chow down on some bacon
He sets up his grill
And when he gets up he will
Some tasty breakfast be makin'.
 
The problem with this plan as we'll soon see
Is it's apt to cause severe injury
When he steps on the floor
He lets out a roar
George Foreman never meant this to be.
 
Instead of staying home for a sick day
He calls Dunder Mifflin to say
That he'll be needing a ride
And the office minions are snide
But faithful Dwight is soon on his way.
 
A crash outside is what is heard
And the scene they witness is absurd
Dwight's smashed into a pole
Which has taken its toll
He's sick and his vision is blurred.
 
Michael makes it to work but what a waste
When he arranges a seminar post-haste
His foot pain can't compare
To a man in a wheelchair
Was he born without any good taste?
 
Then Pam is disturbed to no end
When she realizes Dwight is kinda her friend
She's greatly relieved
To find he's received
A concussion - to which they'll need to tend.
 
Jim provides the transportation
To the hospital for Dwight's examination
The ride is from hell
But it all turns out well
And Dwight stays overnight for observation.