Pam

“God, Roy.  Why do you have to be so interpretive?”  

Why did Roy have to just freak out over Jim holding my hand.  We were playing a prank for Pete’s sake.  

Though in the deepest part of my mind, I admitted that I liked the feel of Jim’s large firm hand over mine.  But I will never say that out loud.  

“Interpretive?  I just see what’s there.  Halpert is just an annoying little prick who is trying to steal my girlfriend”, Roy boomed.  

I roll my eyes.  I am his fiancé for one thing, but also that is far from the truth.  Jim is too much of a good person to do that.  He has too much integrity.  It’s one of the things I like about him.  Also I haven’t heard about him in a relationship since about a month after we met.  And that only lasted 2 weeks.  So I don’t think he would do anything like that.  I feel like he isn’t interested in romance.  Neither is Roy.  All he wants to do is watch sports, drink, and argue with me.  

“Roy, Jim and I were just playing a prank.  You don’t have to be so jealous.”  

“No.  I could see the lust in his eyes.”  I laugh openly at that.  There is no way someone like Jim could be interested in me.  A funny, kind, and certainly attractive guy wouldn’t be interested in the mousy boring receptionist.  I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks when I realize my descriptions of Jim.  

Roy just stares at me with a look of pure fury.  “You think this is funny?  Huh, Pammy?”  I wince at the nickname that I have come to hate.  “Well it isn’t.”  

I feel anger rising within, angry at why he cares so much about our relationship now that someone else seems like a threat.  “Why would you care even if Jim was trying to ‘cop a feel’?”  

A blazing anger flashes within his pupils.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”  

I laugh heartlessly.  “Lately, all you do is ‘watch the game’ and just ignore me.  It seems like you would rather go play poker instead of hanging out with your fiancé.”  I say the last word with authority.  “It looks like you just want to get rid of me!”  He just laughs.  

“You’re sometimes crazy as hell, Pammy.  I’m gonna go to Poor Richards.”  He storms out without another word.  I sigh in frustration.  He just proved my point, and doesn’t even care.  I slide to the floor, sobbing.  I wish Jim were here.  He could make me laugh with his jokes and his smiles and just being him.  God, that hand over mine did feel good.  What point in my relationship did I reach that any sexual activity with my fiancé is worse than hand holding with another man.  God, that’s bad.  Or is it good?  Is it actually a sign of another relationship not this one?

Jim

I hate my life.  I have a dead end job, no clue what to do with my future, and of course I am hopelessly in love with a woman who I will never have.  A woman who is the girl of my dreams.  The love of my life.  And I will never get her, because she is with someone who doesn’t deserve her.  I probably don’t deserve her either.  Who is deserving of Pam Beesly?  She is the complete package.  

And of course today I get caught up in the moment and hold her hand.  But, it sure did feel amazing.  To feel her soft creamy skin against mine.  It may have been the bottom row of my fantasies of Pam and I, but still.  It was probably even worth it for the aftermath.  I really hope Roy doesn’t suspect anything.  I hope he was just jealous for a quick moment.  Because if Pam finds out my love for her and ignores me for the rest of my life?  My life will be over.  I can’t bear to lose her friendship.  That is why I will never tell her about my feelings unless Roy is out of the picture.  But that won’t ever happen.  Pam, for some strange reason unbeknownst to me, is loyal to Roy no matter how he treats her.  Does he make her laugh every single goddamn day?  Does he support her art?  Does he see the amazing gift he has?  No!  

And that’s why I am just in my bedroom, while Mark, Nate, and Brady are playing poker in the living room.  I just can’t bear to face anyone.  Not after today.  Not after another reminder of what I can’t have.

I take a deep breath.  I really hope it isn’t awkward this morning.  Or that Pam has listened to Roy and realized that I am no mere friend to be with.  

I walk inside the office to see Stanley, Angela, Oscar, and Pam.  God, She is so beautiful.  I walk up to the coat rack and put my coat.  I give her curt good morning and walk back to my desk.  

“Jim.  C’mere.”  I turn around to Pam and walk back to her desk.  I grab a green jellybean and turn my head to listen.  She gives me a soft smile.  “Hey, I’m sorry about Roy yesterday.”  

I wave her off.  “No.  I was outta line.”  

She chuckles.  “No you weren’t dork.”  I smile.  Glad that this is over for at least today.  A huge grin appears on her face.  “The real question is if Dwight actually dyed his hair.  I let out a laugh.  My eyes tear up.  I am so in love with this woman, I think happily.  But I will never ever have her, I think darkly but accurately.

Pam

“Hey Pammy!  How’s that dinner coming?”  

“Done!”  Roy strolls over to the kitchen and sits at the counter, beer in hand.  

I hand my fiancé a plate full of seasoned chicken and rice.  His face contorts in disgust.  “Babe.  I told you no rice.”  He looks at me with a look of disgust.  I roll my eyes at his ungratefulness.  

With his mouth full of food, he looks at me with a grin.  “So Darryl told me Jim asked Katy out?”  

I nod, not wanting to talk about it.  An enormous spike of jealousy had gone through me when that happened.  I had convinced myself I was just protective of my best friend, not that I was jealous that another woman could have him instead of me.  But now?  I’m not so sure.  

“Can’t believe Halpert pulled it off.  He won’t be regretting that anytime soon”, he says with a laugh.  I scowl.  I had tried to forgive his actions at lunch when he tried to cheer me up with his tickling.  I know it sounds pathetic, but tickling was his version of a ‘Jim Joke’ to cheer me up.  But he just doesn’t learn his lesson.  God, why does everyone think Katy is so amazing?  Because she isn’t.  

“God, do you ever learn Roy?”  He looks at me with confusion, mid chew.  “I just can’t believe the nerve of you!  You were checking out another woman!  If you weren’t dating me you would me all over that!  We are engaged, you idiot.”  

His nostrils flare.  But before he can  retort, I continue my rant.  

“You apologize but now you are just continuing to rave about Katy!  Who do you want to be engaged to?”  

He looks at me with pure hatred.  “Oh excuse me!  You are always on the phone with your mom!”  I laugh.  “Pam, you know what I am referring to.  You go on and on about Jim.  Jim this.  Jim that.  You are such a hypocrite!”  

I swallow nervously.  “Can you just stop with that? I have told you a million times.  Jesus, Roy.  Can’t you just accept my word?  Jim is my friend.  And at least my mom will listen to me unlike you!”  

Roy laughs and yells, “My friend.  Friend my ass!”  I feel tears prickling in my eyes.  I know it really should be because of all the accusations Roy is spitting out at me.  But I know that’s not it.  It hurts to hear my words.  My lies.  But I will never admit the truth that is within my heart.  

“Just shut up!  Shut up!”  

He drops his fork, resulting in a loud bang.  “Oh, just be quiet Pammy.  You know I’m right.  I’m going to Poor Richards.  They probably  have better food than this piece of crap”, he gestures to his plate, “I hope your anxiety attack or something is over by the time I come home.  I hope you are calm by then.”  

He stands up, grabs up the truck’s keys and walks out of our house.  I gape at the door.  What right does he have?  Anxiety attack?  This piece of crap?  Be grateful for once!  God, my life is just so horrible.  And confusing.  I am confused about my feelings.  I am confused about my life.  I’m just confused in general.  Now, I feel the tears coming yet again.  But I am not confused about these tears.

Jim

Why can’t I be satisfied by a date with any woman besides Pam?  Katy and I went to Cooper’s and talked and stuff, but it was so mediocre.  I probably will call her back.  But only because she is decently nice and decently good looking.  

I know everyone in the office was obsessed with her good looks today, but I don’t get how they think she is more attractive than Pam.  God, it takes me every ounce of strength to not just stare at her every single goddamn moment of the day.  She is far more beautiful, far more hot, and just far more attractive.  

Even Roy was ogling over Katy.  The nerve of him.  

And then of course Pam just forgives him with tickling.  Tickling!  And on my desk.  Is Pam trying to kill me?  Because she was certainly close.  Of all places to do it!  God, I wanted to throw up.  On Roy.  

But I don’t get it.  Does Roy not understand what he has?  The girl he has?  He could not have a more perfect fiancé.  

Oh, that reminds me!  The reason I am never satisfied with women ever since I started working for Dunder Mifflin is because I am hopelessly in love with a taken woman.  And a woman who is taken by a jerk who doesn’t treat her right.  

Pam is just so damn perfect.  But even if I never am able to kiss her, I will cherish every single time we pull a prank or laugh together.  Those are the moments I fall more in love with her.  God, the way she immediately ends the call she is on to pull a prank on Dwight with me.  God, her poker face when prancing Dwight.  God, her damn laugh.  

I probably will call Katy back.  I’m never gonna get Pam, I just have to accept that I can’t wait for her to cancel her wedding.  So might as well as have a relationship with someone.  And if that someone was Katy, so be it.