The first time she had said it had been an accident.

They had been the last ones left at the office. He had been on a sales call that had run longer than he had anticipated; she was pretending to be engrossed in filing some papers that weren't really all that important. Truth was, she could have called it a day an hour ago, but it was the first opportunity in a long time for her to be in the same space as him alone, and she was reluctant to pass it up. She had chosen to pretend to file since the file cabinet was at a perfect angle to see his face, a privilege that she didn't have as much as she wanted since he had come back.

Every few minutes, she would sneak glances at him, secretly fascinated as she watched him roll a pencil in-between his fingers. At one point, he had looked up and caught eyes with her, and it gave her a secret little thrill to notice that they had immediately softened just for her. That was her look, she decided right then and there. That was the look that he reserved only for her. It was the consolation prize she awarded to herself whenever she felt like she was choking from it…from this thing that she had to keep to herself because she loved him too much to burden him with it.

When she felt her throat constricting, she would seek out his eyes from somewhere in the office, see the look, and for a minute she could breathe again.

With a heavy sigh, Jim hung up the phone. He immediately walked over to the file cabinet, looking around and finally realizing there was no one left but her and him. He felt his heart rate speed up, remembering the last time they had been completely alone in this office. He willed himself to calm down – there definitely won't be a repeat of that night. We have both moved on. Hell, she wasn't even really there to begin with.

"Well, that was a total waste of my time. Honestly, Beesley, if I ever run into my college guidance counselor who told me that sales would be a great career opportunity for me, remind me to just slap him across the face."

She giggled. "Slap across the face? I didn't realize that you could fight with all the power of a ten-year-old girl." She put her files down, no need for the pretense of filing anymore.

"Are you doubting my prowess? I'll have you know, I once slapped Dwight across the face, and he was very afraid. Or very confused, I forget which." He had been trying to keep a straight face, but he broke down at the memory, his laughter echoing throughout the empty room. "God, the amount of entertainment that man has brought me over the years. Most of it without him even knowing."

"Me too." There was a tenderness in Pam's eyes when she spoke, her voice almost a whisper. She couldn't believe that Dwight Schrute of all people was making her sentimental. It was true – Dwight had brought the two of them together in the beginning. Without him as an easy target for pranks to alleviate the mind-numbing boredom from their jobs, maybe she and Jim wouldn't have bonded so quickly, so completely.

That's a lie. You would've loved him no matter what.

She shook her head, hoping for the millionth time that thoughts like that would just fall out with the movement. "So, big plans tonight?"

He had been too busy staring at her to completely register her question. It was so easy to – he had seen her face so many times, but he was always fascinated by it; the natural prettiness of her features, the various flecks of color in her eyes, the way it would all change completely when she smiled. He could never get tired of looking at her. If only she was slightly less beautiful or less fascinating to him, maybe he wouldn't have fallen so stupidly, so hopelessly.

That's a lie. You would've loved her no matter what.

"Yeah…um…Karen's coming back from Connecticut tonight, so I'm going to pick her up at the airport."

Karen. That word was like a bucket of cold water to Pam. It was the word that reminded her all too clearly that he wasn’t hers, and no amount of stolen moments or inside jokes could change that. “Well, tell her I said hi.” Pam flinched. “Wait, no, don’t, because I’m just going to see her tomorrow, and that would be stupid to say hi when I’ll see her so soon. So, tell her –“

Jim listened to her rambling in amusement. “Tell her what, Beesley?”

Tell her that she’s the luckiest woman in the world. Tell her that I would give anything to be in her place. Tell her that even though I think she is really nice and funny and all-around wonderful, that I deep down have to hate her just a little because she has what I know in my heart is rightfully mine, even if I was too slow to admit it to myself.

Instead, Pam let out a long breath. “Tell her to be prepared that Angela insisted she be on the Valentine’s Day party planning committee.” She walked over behind her desk, gathering her purse and coat, Jim following her.

Jim gave her a lopsided grin. “God help us all. I can’t wait to see what good times she has in store for us this year. Maybe we’ll get to do a repeat of the time she made us the cake with her favorite Bible scripture on it and that all us fornicators couldn’t eat any of it for fear of tainting the sacred word.”

“Well, you’ll have to give me the details. I think I’m going to duck out on the party this year. I probably won’t even come in at all.”

Jim started. He couldn’t imagine Valentine’s Day without Pam at the office. Usually, on that day she would put her hair down, foregoing the typical barrette, and put it in a headband or braid it. It sounded stupid, to look forward to a hairstyle, but it was one of the days he looked forward to most, just for that reason – to get a chance to see her in a different way, to imagine just for a moment what she might be like if he could see her like that all the time, if she was his. “Why not? What, do you have some secret rendezvous that I should know about?”

As he said the words, he realized he really didn’t want to know. Oh God, what if she does? What if her and Roy got back together? Can I handle knowing this?

Pam looked down at her feet, shuffling them against the carpet. No way could she look him in the eye now, for fear of completely losing it. “No, it’s just that – well, this is my first Valentine’s Day alone in ten years, and I don’t – want to feel lame, that’s all.” And I can’t bear to watch you and Karen together – not that day. I can handle it almost any other time; please don’t make me do it on that day.

Jim caught himself before he breathed a visible sigh of relief that Pam and Roy had not gotten back together. “C’mon, Beesley, how can you work here and think that you could ever be lame? Need I remind you who we work for?”

“And even he has a girlfriend.” Pam muttered, her feet still shuffling the carpet.

“Yeah – how did that happen?”

“I have no idea.” They both laughed freely. To Pam, it felt like the first real laugh they had shared since he had gotten back.

Jim leaned up against her desk, as he had done so many times before that it was just like second nature to him. “Look, I know you are still going through a tough time with everything that has happened.” He gave a rueful smile, knowing full well what his part in the whole thing had been. “But just know…that…I am here for you, if you need anything. You’re not alone.”

Pam felt her eyes well up with tears. He had just said (almost) everything she had wanted to hear from him.

Before she could think or form a coherent thought, she acted on instinct, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him as close to her as she could with the large desk in-between them. As she felt his arms instinctively go around her, she breathed into his ear, the words that she had been choking on for the longest time.

“I love you.”

That’s when she felt his arms – and her world – stop moving.

He was frozen in place, his arms paused mid-air. His body wouldn't let him move for fear that he was in the middle of some dream and if he wrapped his arms around her completely she'd vanish and he would be left holding his pillow.

Pam hadn't moved either, but she was frozen in a mixture of pure shock and embarrassment over what had just slipped out. She closed her eyes in a silent prayer. Maybe he didn't hear it. Dear Lord in heaven, I know I haven't been to church in a decade, but if you could just make it so that Jim went temporarily deaf five seconds ago, I will become a nun. Even worse, I will become Angela.

Jim slowly pulled himself together, his arms bracing the desk for support as he leaned back to look at her. Her face had turned bright red; she looked horrified.

He himself felt light-headed and nauseous, but still, an underlying exhilaration hummed in his veins. He noticed the feeling almost immediately – it was hope, a feeling he hadn't felt in the longest time. In fact, he could remember the exact last moment he had felt it.

That night in May, right after you kissed her and right before she rejected you – again.

They stood there in silence, both of them staring at each other. Neither one could say how much time had passed – one minute? Five? An hour? It didn't matter; time had stopped. They were the only people left on Earth.

Jim was the first one to speak. "Okay…what?"

Pam looked around to see if there was any open hole around for her to crawl into. She couldn't take the look he was giving her, his eyes a mixture of confusion and…something else she couldn't put her finger on, but still familiar to her. Either way, his eyes felt like they were burning into hers, finally exposing every secret and deception she had perfected over the years.

Try passing it off as a joke. Do something. Anything.

Instead, she put her head in her hands and let out a strangled sound, halfway between a laugh and a sob. "Oh my God."

"Pam?"

Her words were muffled behind her hands. “Why do I do this? Why can’t I ever just make things easy for once?”

"Pam." Jim was trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened. He was pretty sure he was standing there slack-jawed in front of her, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He was experiencing no less than dozens of different emotions all at once – confusion, joy, hope, shock, happiness beyond any expectation. The largest part of him wanted to just pull her into his arms right at that moment, but he needed to make sure it was real first.

She pulled her face from her hands. This was truly one of the most embarrassing moments in her life, but still she felt a secret thrill bubbling underneath the surface when she saw his face and realized she had not, in fact, completely disgusted him.

"I guess there's no way you would buy that I meant I love you as a friend, would you?"

At the thought, Jim felt a sharp pain in his chest. She's not aloud to take it back. Not this. Anything but this. "Well, that depends, is that what you meant?"

She looked him straight in the eye, hers burning with a fierce determination. "No."

"Then, no, I wouldn't buy it." He felt his hand twitch, the urge to touch her, always somewhat simmering beneath the surface, was growing painfully strong by the second.

"I didn't think so."

His eyes never left hers. He felt intoxicated by the look in her eyes. It was real. "Pam, we have to talk about this. When did you –"

Pam shrugged. "I don't know. Pick a moment anytime over the last three years. It could have happened at any point. It would be easier if you asked me when I didn't love you."

Jim was sure he was hearing things. She's always felt it? It wasn’t just me? "But you said –"

"I know what I said." She shook her head. She didn't like thinking about that night, the look on his face. She preferred to selectively fast-forward to their kiss and forget everything else. "But you'll forgive me if you caught me at a bad time. You see, I was planning on getting married in a month, to someone who I know that you aren't exactly a big fan of, but still was a decent man who had loved me for almost a third of my life. I didn't feel I could just throw him away simply because I was in love with someone else." Pam took a deep breath. It was the first time she had the courage to even remotely address these things since they happened.

Jim gulped. When she put it that way, he didn't really come off as sounding too great. "But after?"

She immediately knew what he was asking – she always did. "There were a lot of reasons why I didn't call you, Jim. Maybe they were stupid reasons, I don't know. Mostly, I just didn't feel like I had the right to."

"The right to? Are you kidding? If you only knew …" He couldn't help it anymore – the urge was too strong. His hand came up to rest lightly on her cheek, and he felt his heart rate increase when he saw her briefly close her eyes at his touch.

At that moment, his cell phone rang in a familiar way – he recognized Karen's ring tone instantly.

With that, the spell had been broken. They were no longer the last two people on Earth, and Pam knew she had to bring them both back to reality. "Aren't you going to answer that?"

Jim's hands were still lightly caressing her face. He was too busy marveling at how one person's skin could be so soft to care about anything else. "I don't know."

Pam took a step back away from his touch, the movement physically painful to her. "You have to. She's waiting for you."

Crap. She’s right. Jim balled his fists at his sides – if he didn’t, he was going to do a hell of a lot more than touch her face. "But we have to finish talking about this, Pam. We do. This is too important –"

Pam sighed in frustration. Couldn’t he see that this was killing her? "Is it? I am so sick of talking. That’s all we ever do, we just talk ourselves in circles. So I’m going to cut it short – none of this changes the fact that now you’re the one who’s not free. And I may be stupidly in love with you, but I'm also your friend –"

"My best friend." He interrupted. He felt the tears start to form in his eyes, so he screwed his head away, desperate to remain his composure.

Pam smiled softly. The admission had meant so much to her, but killed her at the same time, knowing what she was about to force herself to say. "Your best friend. And I don't think I could lose that again. I did once before and it nearly destroyed me. I mean, we have no idea what we'd be like as a couple, Jim. We hardly even know each other outside of these walls." She gestured to the quickly-darkening office. "Maybe things worked out this way for a reason. Karen – she, she can make you happy." She faltered then, quickly recovering with a soft smile. Her sense of nobility and her selfish urges were battling each other inside, leaving a knot in the pit of her gut that made her want to scream.

Jim ran his hand through his hair. He couldn't believe what she was saying. This is the only thing that you've ever wanted, and it could finally happen. How could you ever let that go? "Wait, so you tell me that you love me, but that you don't want to be with me? How does that work?"

She stared at him, silently begging him with her eyes. Of course I want to be with you, you moron. I’m giving you an out, so that I can know for certain that you want to be with me. Please, please don’t take it.

Pam dug her fingernails into her hands, willing herself to be strong.

"Karen didn't do anything to deserve this. And she's a really good person. You deserve nothing but the best." She was proud of herself for giving him a smile because the words felt cold, rehearsed to her.

Jim knew what Pam was trying to say. Karen was a good person. She was – she was the kind of woman that most men dreamt of, and he had finally got to the point where he really cared about her. Plus, Pam had broken his heart over and over again – he didn’t know if he could survive it again if she changed her mind.

But still, walking away from her at that moment went against every instinct he had ever had.

"I'm going to be late to pick her up." He said the words slowly, as if it were pure torture to get each one of them out. “I should probably go.”

Pam swore she could feel her insides immediately crumble. “Okay.”

Jim turned back to look at her. “We’re not finished here.” He walked out of the room in a daze, half staggering as if he were drunk – Pam immediately noticed he left his coat behind, but she didn't have the strength to call after him and tell him.

As soon as he walked out of the doors, she whispered "I hope not" to his retreating figure. It was then she realized he had never said the words back.

She let herself cry for exactly ten seconds before willing herself to stop. Right then and there, she made a promise to herself.

Next time you cry, they will be happy tears.

Ch. 3

After he had left the office, and somehow had made it down the elevator and to the parking lot, Jim sat in his car for close to thirty minutes. It was below freezing temperature outside, but he couldn’t even turn on the ignition to get the heat going – it would take too much energy and focus, when the only thing he wanted to focus on was what Pam had just said to him. He went over every detail in his mind, as though forgetting one minute detail would erase the entire encounter. I love you. It would be easier if you asked me when I didn’t love you. Maybe things worked out this way for a reason.

He laid his head on his steering wheel, cursing himself for what seemed like the millionth time since he had turned away from her. Did that really just happen? And did I really just walk away from her?

The phone ringing finally jostled him out of his daydream. He quickly snatched it up and hit “talk.”

“Karen, I’m so sorry.” For more than you know.

“Where are you? I’ve been standing in this stupid airport for almost an hour.” Her voice was laced with annoyance.

“I know. I – got held up at work. There was this sales call, and –” Everything I’ve ever dreamed of happened and I walked away because of you. “I’ll be right there.”

Karen sighed, the annoyance quickly melting from her voice. “Okay, well, don’t kill yourself or anything on the way. And, I expect you to make it up to me.”

Jim gulped. Considering what had happened, he didn’t think there was anything in the world that could make this up to her.

*********

Since Pam was no longer dependent on Roy to get a ride to work, she had started coming in the office really early. In fact, usually only Dwight and Angela were the only others when she walked in – which freaked her out a little even now.

She had decided she really liked being there early – it gave her a chance to settle in and get some work done before Michael came in and inevitably offered some manic distraction for the day. And then there was Jim – he was definitely another distraction, but of a different kind. After he sat at his desk, Pam found she spent most of the day looking at his hair, trying to decide what percentage was brown versus blonde, or watching his muscles beneath his shirt as he did his 10:30 stretch. One day she spent counting how many times Karen looked over at him and how many times (as far as she could tell) he looked back at her.

This morning, however, she had spent deciding whether or not she could call in sick. She wasn’t sure that she could face him today, or any day for that matter. She paced her living room floor, biting her thumb.

What if I just never came in to work ever again? I could say I’ve come down with mono. Or herpes. They wouldn’t ask too many questions if I said I had herpes.

In the end, she decided to come in, but not until close to ten – that way, everyone would already be there, and there would be no way Jim could corner her alone if she didn’t want him to. Her plan was to look as busy as possible all day so she would have an excuse to avoid him if he wanted to have a talk with her that she wasn’t ready to handle yet. She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to handle it.

She flung open the doors to Dunder Mifflin, bustling in. She saw Jim’s chair swivel around immediately to turn in her direction. But she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t look at him now, even though she knew he was silently begging her to. She busied herself with getting situated behind her desk.

Jim hadn’t moved. Part of him worried that he was being too obvious, that someone – Karen in particular – would notice him openly staring at Pam, but he couldn’t pull himself away. He had been waiting for her to come in for over two hours so he could talk to her. It had taken everything in him not to pick up the phone and call her last night, after lying to Karen about why she couldn’t stay over at his place. Somehow, it didn’t seem right to be with one woman when he knew he would only be thinking about another.

He kept telling himself that after the initial shock and exhilaration wore off, he would agree with what Pam had told him last night. But looking at her now, knowing that she actually loved him, was the most exhilarating feeling he had ever experienced.

He was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life looking at her – at that moment, he had never been more sure of anything.

“Pamela Beesly, how nice of you to grace us with your presence.” Michael Scott walked out of his office, arms spread wide. He was also wearing a turban. Pam really didn’t want to know.

He rapped his knuckles on the desk. “You have a late night? Sowing those wild oats now that you’re single?”

Kelly was walking by Pam’s desk. “Oh, Pam doesn’t have a boyfriend. She is sooo picky. I keep trying to set her up with these really great guys, and none of them are good enough for her.”

Normally, this conservation wouldn’t have bothered Pam – after the years she had worked at Dunder-Mifflin, she had sort of gotten used to the awkwardness. But today, knowing that Jim was still staring at her, rooted in place at his desk with those eyes burning into her, her face turned red. It felt as though Jim’s rejection of her last night was being put on display for everyone to see, like they were all laughing at her for not being able to move on. She felt herself grow angrier by the second.

“You should think about that, Pam. I mean, you’re cute and all, but…tick, tock. You know I’d offer myself if I wasn’t already taken.” He paused. “Because, you know that Jan’s my girlfriend, right?”

“Yes, I think everyone knows. Half of Pennsylvania knows.” Pam looked down at the Outlook program on her computer. “Don’t you have a meeting scheduled right about now?”

He touched his hands to his forehead. “I foresaw that. That’s why my girlfriend loves me – I am right on top of things. And her.” He let out a chuckle before turning away, leaving Pam breathing a sigh of relief.

Jim had been listening the whole time, his chair – or his eyes – never moving from their spot. Of course. Why can’t he just leave me alone? How can one person torture another person this much just by existing?

That was it. She was going to find a way to be happy, one way or another.

Pam turned herself toward Kelly, making sure her voice was loud enough for Jim to hear. “You’re right. I’ve been way too picky.”

Her eyes finally met his at this point, and the raw emotion brimming underneath the surface made him catch his breath. “I guess I’ve just been waiting on something that doesn’t really exist.”

Pam plastered on a fake smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes. “I would love to be set up.”

Kelly let out a squeal. “For real? Oh my god, Pam! You are soooo not going to regret this. I know the perfect guy, too. His name is Edward, and he is so cute. He totally looks like Hugh Grant, only not British. I think he’s actually from the Midwest –“

Kelly continued talking, but Jim hadn’t heard anything past Pam saying she wanted to go out with someone else. Immediately, he felt his blood run cold at the thought.

“Why don’t I bring him to the office party at Poor Richard’s tomorrow?”

Pam nodded, her throat dry all of a sudden. “Perfect. Excuse me, I – uh – need to get something to drink.”

He leapt up from his chair instantly, following her into the breakroom. She felt him behind her before he said anything. “You’re seriously going on a date?”

Pam shrugged. So much for her big plan of avoiding him. “Yeah, why not?”

“Well, what about –” he gestured between them. “Us?”

“I’m sorry – I wasn’t aware there was a us? There’s you, there’s me, and then there’s you and Karen.” She pursed her lips. “Nope, no us.”

He gently grabbed her arm. “Listen, we need to talk about last night.”

“What did I tell you?” She jerked her arm away, part out of frustration, and partly because his touch was physically affecting her. “I’m sick of talking. If you have something you want to say to me, you need to show me. Otherwise, it doesn’t mean anything.”

With that, she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, leaving a very confused man behind. She smiled to herself – suddenly happy she hadn’t called in sick that day.