Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

LUNCH THEFT
SEASON TWO-EPISODE 10.5
BY KEVIN GREENE


TEASER


INT.-THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

It is first thing in the morning at
Dunder-Mifflin. We see Pam sitting
quietly at her desk. Jim enters smiling.

JIM
Hey!

Jim hangs up his coat and comes over
to reception.

PAM(leaning forward, excitedly)
Hi! How was New York?

JIM
Oh, it was wild, Beesly. A lot of fun.
Except for Saturday night. Mark, uh… drank a
little TOO much… there was some pushing
and shoving… A couple of cops…

PAM
Oh no.

JIM
Yeah, um, a bit much. Legally… I’m not really
allowed to discuss it…

Both laugh.

JIM
But I um… got you something.

PAM
Really? From… from New York?

JIM
Yup… just a, uh… little something.
Nothing uh… spectacular or anything…

Jim pulls out a little black teddy bear
with an I Love New York t-shirt on and hands
it to her. Pam is obviously touched.

PAM
Oh, thank you, Jim! It’s so cute!

Jim flashes the biggest smile on earth.

JIM
Glad you like it!

Jim walks over to his desk and puts his bag down.
Dwight is hard at work at something.

JIM
Hey, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Jim.

JIM(making small talk)
What’s going on?

DWIGHT (annoyed)
Well, some of us are actually working.
Maybe you can tell us about your
“wild” weekend in New York some
other time.

Jim makes a face to the camera like
“Wow, check him out.”

JIM
Actually, uh… I just wanted to
ask you a question.

DWIGHT(rolling his eyes)
YES, Jim.

JIM
What’s the name of the ship on that
show you like? With the… robot things
and the… blonde chick.

DWIGHT(starting to get vaguely interested)
Battlestar Galactica?

JIM(snaps fingers)
That’s it. With the Krylons.

DWIGHT(shaking head)
CYLONS. What about it?

JIM
Oh, I saw this big model of it.
It had lights and everything…
Really nice. About this big.
(hold hands about a foot and a
half apart)

DWIGHT(captivated)
What?

JIM
Yeah, REALLY nice. Cool looking
box, too.

DWIGHT(intense)
Where did you see this?

JIM
Uh… was that in New York? We stopped
at a mall in Jersey. Might’ve been
there… (looks really confused)
Or was that here in Pennsylvania…?
(shrugs)
Somewhere.

DWIGHT(annoyed)
Well, what store then?

JIM
Uh… dunno.

DWIGHT
Toys R Us?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT
Kiddie City?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT
Kaybee Toy and Hobby Shop?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT(really exasperated)
How can you not know what store you
were in?? (shakes head) FAO Schwartz?
Forbidden Planet? Software Etc.?
Jim Hanley’s Universe?

JIM
No. No. No. N… wait.

Jim takes an extraordinarily long
pause. Dwight is leaning forward in
his seat, staring a hole through him,
hanging on his next words.

JIM
No, sorry.

Dwight groans and grabs his head.

DWIGHT
Never mind, I’ll look online!

As Dwight angrily types on his keyboard
Jim peeks at a smiling Pam and then the
camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD
   
JIM

The absolute best way to get back at a cranky
Dwight on a Monday morning? Have him search
every specialty store between Scranton and
New York… for a toy that doesn’t exist.
(smiles)

END TEASER




 


ACT ONE

INT THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael enters the office carrying a brown paper
bag in both hands. He is smiling ear to ear.

MICHAEL
Pamcakes!

PAM
No.

MICHAEL
Aw, come on…

PAM
No, no, no.

Michael sucks his teeth in frustration and rolls
his eyes. He turns around, leaves the office and
then re-enters.

MICHAEL (monotone)
Good morning, Pam.

PAM(smiling)
Yes. Good morning, Michael! Have a good week-
end? Oh, I have some expense reports
you HAVE to sign today.

Pam tries to hand the expense reports to Michael
but he is raising and lowering the paper bag and
looking at Pam expectantly.

PAM
Um… what’s in the bag, Michael?

MICHAEL
Oh, this? This, Pam, is just the
best lunch, EVER. My mom made it.

PAM
Oh, that’s nice. What is it?

MICHAEL
Quiche. My mom makes the best quiche
in the world. The best. Better
than your mom.

PAM
My… mother doesn’t make quiche.

MICHAEL
Well, there ya go. Because if she did,
it would absolutely suck compared to my mom’s.

Pam, annoyed, looks at the camera and then back
at Michael.

PAM
That’s nice, Michael.

Pam places the expense reports on
top of Michael’s lunch.

MICHAEL
Hey, don’t get mad at me because your mom
sucks at quiche.

Michael walks over to Jim’s desk.

MICHAEL
Jim! How was New York?

Jim leans back in his chair, chewing a pen top.

JIM
Good, Michael. I had a good…

MICHAEL
That’s nice.(Michael holds the bag out
towards Jim)

MICHAEL(continued)
My mom made an EXCEPTIONAL
lunch for me today.

JIM
Your mom made expense reports for lunch?
Not very filling. And a little dry.

MICHAEL
No, no, quiche. My mom made me homemade quiche.

JIM
Really. Did your mom drive you in too?

Michael looks at the camera and puts his
head down.

MICHAEL
Well… my… car’s in the shop…

Jim gives his best Jim Face to the camera
while Michael looks embarrassed. Dwight walks
over looking very concerned.

DWIGHT
Michael… this lunch you speak of…

MICHAEL
Good morning, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Yes, good morning… ah… this lunch. Are
you completely aware of it’s ingredients?

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

DWIGHT
You can never be too careful with your meals.
In 1995 a Thai prince was poisoned by his young
wife who then ran off with a 19 year old chestnut
seller. She put insecticide in his coffee and he had no royal taster.(shakes his head)Very stupid.

Michael sighs and heads towards his office
with Dwight in tow.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE.

MICHAEL
Your point, Dwight.

Michael places the lunch and the expense reports on the cabinet behind his desk and begins to take his coat off.

DWIGHT                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
You should be suspicious of meals not made by
yourself. You have many enemies, Michael Scott.

MICHAEL
I do?

DWIGHT
Well… probably.

MICHAEL
(pause) Dwight, I’m pretty sure this quiche is
not dangerous. My mom made it.

DWIGHT
And?

MICHAEL
Dwight… why would my own mother poison me?

DWIGHT
Many reasons. Mind control. Senility. One
Hundred thousand dollars in small unmarked
bills delivered by a competitor.                                                           

MICHAEL
Oh my God… she DID have a black briefcase
on her kitchen table that she wouldn’t
explain…

DWIGHT
Really?

MICHAEL
No. I’m kidding, Dwight. My lunch is fine.
My mother is not trying to kill me.

DWIGHT
Michael, you don’t realize the danger!

MICHAEL
Dwight, I have a lot to do here… (points towards door)

DWIGHT
Michael, please. I beg you! Take it out and
let me taste it!

MICHAEL
Jesus, Dwight… ugh… get out of here!
(Michael gets up, comes around the desk and
starts to shove Dwight towards the door)

MICHAEL(continued)
Just go back to work!

DWIGHT
I have a very trained nose. I can
smell arsenic!

Michael finally gets Dwight out and closes
his door. He heads back behind his desk,
shaking his head.


MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Who would’ve thought that my lunch would
cause so much ruckus? (shakes his head)
Jealousy… so ugly.


INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA.


Jim is leaning over the reception area watching
Pam fawn over her bear.

PAM
Oh, look at that little face. His hair is
so fuzzy and he is so cute!

Jim smiles.

PAM (looking down)
And the bear isn’t so bad, either…

Jim’s eyes open wide in shock. He glances at
the camera and smiles even more broadly.
 
JIM
Pam Beesly! I… wow.

PAM(coyly and innocently)
What, I didn’t say anything…
(She looks at the camera and
becomes embarrassed)

PAM(continued)
um… tell me more about New York.
I haven’t been in so long.

JIM
Really? How long has it been?

PAM
Well… awhile. Roy always
says we will go but we never do.

There is an awkward silence between the two.

PAM
So, um… tell me… do they still have
roaming teenaged gangs that sing
and dance and fight with switchblades?

JIM
Wow… it HAS been awhile, huh?

Jim and Pam laugh.

JIM
You know… we should go.

PAM
Go where?

JIM
New York. We could make a day trip
out of it. We could leave around
six, six-thirty and drive. When we get
there we could have breakfast and stuff.

PAM(stunned)
To New York?

JIM(laughing)
Yes, New York. We could go to the Empire
State Building and ride the ferry and go to
Tiffany’s…

PAM(even more stunned)
You would go into Tiffany’s with me?

JIM
Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I? We could go
to Macy’s and Saks Fifth Avenue too,
if you like.

PAM(touched)
Wow… that would be… wow. So… uh… we wouldn’t
be… um… staying over, would we?

Jim is momentarily stunned.

JIM
Uh… well, I didn’t… think we could… But we can
if you like. We can get a room… UH, two rooms
and… stay…

PAM
No, uh… Roy… definitely would not…

JIM
No, I didn’t think so. It’s ok…

PAM
You know, just hanging out for the day…
would be…

JIM
We’ll do that. That would be… less trouble.

PAM
Yeah…

They both pause, letting the magnitude of what
they were talking about pass.

JIM
Um… how about Wednesday?

PAM
THIS Wednesday? What’s the hurry?

JIM
No reason… I just want to see you in
New York.

PAM
Ok… I… have to talk to Roy about it.

JIM
Tell him. It’s just a friendly thing.
Buddies hanging out.

PAM(smiling)
Ok. Ok. Let’s do it then.

JIM(with a huge smile)
Cool.

Jim walks away from Pam and heads towards
the break room.

INT. THE OFFICE-BREAK ROOM

Jim is on his cellphone trying to be quiet.

JIM
Mark! Hey… no, I’m at work… Um… you know your
friend in New York? The one that gets the
Broadway tickets?… yeah… (laughs) yeah, that’s
funny. Um… You think he could get me Lion King
tickets? …Yeah, I know. But man, it would be
great if he could… Oh, uh…(grimaces)this
Wednesday? I KNOW, I know… Well, tell him
that money is no object… No, not Katy…
No… (laughs)dude, just get me hooked up, ok?
(laughs) Yeah. Oh, a matinee show! Gotta be
matinee. Ok, thanks, man. I owe you.


JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

Yeah, um… I’m a little excited. It’ll be really fun
seeing New York with Pam. I mean, I was just there
but it means more when you’re with someone you…
um… really care for. And it’s nice and cool and
New York this time of year is very (pause) romantic.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM

I AM looking forward to going to New York with Jim…
but… I feel a little… nervous about it. I don’t know
why. I mean, Jim is my best friend so we won’t have
ANY problems or anything… I just feel… nervous. Like
maybe… (shakes head) I don’t know. We’ll definitely
have a lot of fun, I don’t know why I feel like this.
(pause) Maybe I should talk to my mother.


INT. OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Pam walks in carrying faxes. Michael is staring
intently at his monitor.

MICHAEL
Pam… did you know that quiche is considered to be
an open faced tart?

PAM
Uh… no. Wikipedia?

MICHAEL
Yep. “Open faced tart”. Sounds like Angela.(laughs,
then looks very concerned)

MICHAEL(continued)
uh… That was just between you and
me. She’s still mad at me about that
“cream-filling” comment I made last
week. Honestly, that wasn’t funny?

PAM
Michael, here’s some faxes and you have GOT to
sign those expense reports today. Got to.

MICHAEL
Are you still mad about your mother and her
bad quiche? My mother can send her a recipe
but I don’t guarantee it will be nearly as
good…

PAM
Leaving.

Pam walks out and back to her desk.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK.

Jim is looking at his monitor and then,
apparently, gets a psychic signal from Pam.
He looks over and Pam is looking directly
at him with a cute smile. Slowly the teddy bear’s
head rises from behind the reception counter. Jim
laughs quietly. Then Pam makes the little bear wave.
Jim smiles and the two share an enormously sweet
moment looking at each other. Just then Michael
comes out of his office and the moment is gone.

MICHAEL
Welp… think I’ll fire up that lunch now.

JIM(looking at watch)
Um… you know it’s only 10:43, right?

MICHAEL
I… know that. I’m just… hungry now… sorta.
A lunch like that you don’t wait for.

JIM
A lunch like that who’d kill your brother,
forget that lunch and buy another.

Jim smiles at Pam who giggles. The reference
is clearly for her benefit.

MICHAEL(completely confused)
Kill my… brother… what?

PAM
It’s from West Side Story.

MICHAEL
I don’t remember that from West Side Story.

JIM (seeing the opportunity)
Uh, yeah, Rita Moreno is criticizing
Natalie Wood’s eating choices.

PAM
So she sings this song about finding a
better lunch.

MICHAEL
Boy, I… must’ve missed that scene.

JIM
Well, Pam, you know what that means.

PAM
Yup. I’ll find the lyrics online.

MICHAEL(looking at watch)
Um… ok. Maybe I’ll push lunch off a little
bit more…

They both laugh silently as Michael heads
back to his office.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(smiling)
Sometimes… it is SO scary how in tune Jim
and I can be. How we can both just think
the same thing. It’s scary but fun.
(shakes head)
It’s crazy how good we can be together…
   (her eyes widen slightly)
at… at work.(Pause) I… gotta go finish
writing the lyrics with Jim.

INT-THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA

Michael is leaning against the counter and
reading from a sheet of paper as Jim and
Pam stifle their laughter.

MICHAEL
“A lunch like this has too much mustard,
forget that lunch and eat some custard”?
Wow… this song is crazy. Is it on the
original cast recording?


JIM
Uhhhhh… not sure.

Jim smiles at Pam who can barely keep from
laughing.

MICHAEL
Ok, enough of that. Time for my incredible
lunch! I’ll eat it in my office so you guys
won’t have to stand around gawking at it.

JIM
Thanks.

Michael opens the refrigerator and peers in.
He moves stuff around, peers some more. He
takes out a few items and looks harder.

MICHAEL
Where’s my lunch? My lunch is not in here.

PAM
Are you sure you put it in the fridge?

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Yes, PAM, I put it in the fridge. I put it
in a here a few minutes after I came in.
(pause) Someone took my lunch.

PAM
Michael, I’m sure no one took your lunch.
If it’s not in there, maybe someone moved it.
I’m sure it’s an honest mistake.

MICHAEL(calming himself)
Yeah. Yeah. If it’s an honest mistake,
I can forgive that. Everyone makes mistakes.
That’s why they put pencils on the ends
of erasers.

JIM
Um… I’m pretty sure that was
intended to be said the other
way around.

MICHAEL(distracted)
Well… that’s… a dozen of one and
six and a half of the other.

Jim shoots the camera an amused “Ok…wha?!?” look.
Michael goes to the door and looks out into the
Office.

MICHAEL
Ok… everyone, can I have your attention? Did
anyone move my lunch from the fridge? Anyone?
It has “Property of Michael Scott” stamped
in four different places on it. Brown paper
bag… Taped and stapled shut… Anyone?

No one responds.

MICHAEL(angrily)
Ok, this isn’t funny. I want my lunch back! Pam,
get Kelly and Toby over here!

PAM
Uh, ok. (She gets on the phone)

Michael glares at everyone until Kelly and Toby
arrive.

KELLY
What happened now?

MICHAEL(to Toby)
Did you eat my lunch?

TOBY
What?

MICHAEL(condescendingly)
No, you wouldn’t have. It doesn’t
have your recommended daily allowances
of baby brains and rat ass, does it?

Michael walks towards reception.

TOBY
Rat ass?

MICHAEL
Ok… look. A laugh is a laugh but I would
very much like my lunch back. Right now.

Everyone sort of looks around at each other
and Michael, confused.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
          
These people are my troop. My soldiers.
And I am their general. I’m like… George
Washington and… and here we all are at
Gettysburg. And one of my trusted soldiers
stole my lunch. Was it Ben Franklin?
Was it Thomas Jefferson? Abe Lincoln? It
doesn’t matter. All that matters is that one
of your most trusted men violated that trust…
and ran off with your lunch.(pause) And stole
your wooden teeth. (Pause) And that really
bites. Pun intended.

INT. OFFICE RECEPTION AREA

Michael stares at everyone. There is silence.

MICHAEL
FINE! If that’s how you people want to play it,
fine! We’ll see who’s laughing in a few minutes!

Michael storms out of the office.
Dwight leaps up angrily.

DWIGHT
Alright, whoever took Michael’s lunch, come
forward! You will be immediately fired and
we’ll forget the entire thing! I promise!

KEVIN(stepping up)
Dwight, why would someone take
Michael’s lunch?

DWIGHT(looking Kevin up and down)
I don’t know, Kevin. Why WOULD someone?

KEVIN
What’s that supposed to mean?

ANGELA
Stop it! This is ridiculous!

Just then Michael storms back into the office.
He has a large chain and a huge padlock.

MICHAEL
Now, because of one of you, I have to treat
you ALL like horribly obese people!

Michael runs into the kitchen.

INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA.

With some difficulty Michael slings the chain
around the fridge and loops it thru the handles
of the freezer and main door. Then he padlocks
it. Everyone is crammed into the doorway,
watching him.

MICHAEL(panting)
Now, no one eats! No one! No one gets their
lunch from the fridge and no one goes out!
Not until my lunch… THAT MY MOTHER SLAVED
OVER… gets returned!

Michael goes into his office and slams
the door.

JIM
Ok… that was… completely insane.

PHYLISS(annoyed)
I was meeting Bob Vance for lunch… would
someone please give Michael his quiche back!

OSCAR
Who would do somebody do this?

DWIGHT
Well, the first thing we must do is figure out
who the main suspect is… hmmmm, ok, figured
out… It’s Halpert.

JIM
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Dwight! What
are you talking about? I’ve never stolen,
uh… ANYBODY’S lunch, EVER.                                             

DWIGHT
Maybe not… but you aren’t above KIDNAPPING
a lunch, now are you?

Jim looks at Pam and then smiles at
the camera sheepishly.

JIM TALKING HEAD
                         
JIM(smiling)
Yeah… I um… kidnapped Dwight’s lunch one
time. I left a ransom letter in the
fridge that directed him to a pay phone
a couple of blocks from here. From there
I had him running to just about every
street phone in Scranton until I told him that
his food was back at work, safe and sound.
He didn’t eat lunch until about 4:30 that day.
(Pauses and smiles)Come on, I HAD to take
it. He was driving me crazy bragging about
how good it was going to be and how my lunch
sucked and oh my God, I AM the main
suspect.

END ACT ONE

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

ACT TWO

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael sits at his desk with his head in
his hands, obviously still upset with the
situation. Dwight watches him through the
window outside the office, his face
reflecting his concern. He is completely
upset that Michael should be hurt like
this.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                    DWIGHT(intense)
        I believe that a person that has stolen
        a fellow employee’s lunch should be
        vigorously punished with an excessively
        large fine… and a caning. If you hit
        a man in the stomach, you should be hit
        back in the wallet… and in the ass.

Dwight barges into Michael’s office,
closes the door and sits across from
him, leaning forward excitedly.

DWIGHT
Michael, give me time with them all.
I can break whoever did this. The
employee handbook is very fuzzy on
the usage of Sodium Penthanol.

MICHAEL
Dwight… aren’t I a good boss?
Don’t I provide a great work
environment?

DWIGHT
Yes! Of course!

MICHAEL
Shouldn’t I inspire loyalty in
my people? I mean… Why would
they take my food?

DWIGHT
They are ungrateful, thieving
children… and should be starved
accordingly.

MICHAEL
I give them comedy, I give them
magic…

DWIGHT
Children don’t deserve comedy
and magic. Especially yours.

MICHAEL
Exactly.

Toby walks up and leans
against the door frame.

TOBY
Michael…

MICHAEL
Go away, Toby.

TOBY
Michael… you… you cannot legally keep
employees from eating their lunch. And
chaining up the refrigerator… wow…
that… that is just off the charts…

MICHAEL
So what do you want me to do, Toby?
You want me to uh… to uh… take the
chain off the fridge?? You want me
to let them eat their lunch??  

TOBY
Uh… yes.  

MICHAEL
NO, Toby. No. I will not bend to
this kind of behavior. That’s how…
how we lose our way. That’s how
the terrorists WIN.

Toby is struck speechless my Michael’s
comments. All he can do is blink and
slightly shake his head.

Michael walks past him and Dwight and
heads out to the office.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Michael puts his hands on his hips and
addresses the office.

MICHAEL
Alright… are you ready to talk now?
Are the hunger pangs getting to you?
Making you weak… tired… guilty? Hmmmm?

TOBY(quietly)
Michael… it’s only been about ten minutes
since you chained the fridge…

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Toby… alright… you know what? Everyone
remains a suspect. Ah… everyone except
Stanley.

STANLEY
I KNOW I will regret this but… why am
I not a suspect, Michael?

MICHAEL
Well, just… you know.

STANLEY
No, I don’t. Tell me.

MICHAEL
Um… well… um… because (pause) blacks…
don’t eat… quiche?

Stanley just stares at Michael who
shifts from foot to foot nervously.

MICHAEL
Right?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL(agitated)
Look, I’m SORRY but I’ve always been
under the impression that there are
certain foods that African-Americans
don’t eat… like quiche, for example.
Also cream cheese and liverwurst.
(pause) And celery.(pause)If I’m
wrong for saying that black people
don’t eat quiche… well, then just
call me ignorant.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Ryan sticks his head thru into Michael’s
office.

RYAN
You, uh… wanted to see me?

MICHAEL
Ah, yeah… you can, uh… close the door.

Ryan comes all the way in, closes the
door behind him and sits down.

RYAN
What’s up?

MICHAEL
Well, uh…I just wanted to speak to you
in private… don’t want to single you
out in front everybody… you saw how
THAT worked out… (laughs)

RYAN
Yeah…

MICHAEL(waving hands)
“Michael, that’s offensive!”
(laughs)
So touchy…

RYAN
Yeah… so, uh… what’s up?

MICHAEL
Well, I just uh… wanted you to know
that I don’t think you took my lunch.
I uh… trust you… explicitly.

RYAN
Uh… I REALLY hope you mean implicitly,
but ok…

MICHAEL (laughing)
Ryan! Wow, that’s… we should try to
be, uh… a little careful of what we
say in front of the cameras.
(looks at camera and laughs again)

MICHAEL(continued)
We don’t want to give any impression
that, uh…

RYAN
What are you talking about?

MICHAEL
Well, uh… (laughs) you said
implicitly. I mean… you’re hot
and all but we don’t want people
to think we are having a secret
relationship… (laughs again and
looks at camera)

RYAN
That’s illicitly… Uh, you know
what, I’m gonna go.(gets up)

MICHAEL
Well, no, you don’t have to…

RYAN(Looks at camera)
No, I… I really should…
Ah… I’ll… ok.

Ryan leaves the room as
Michael looks around and
then at the camera.

MICHAEL(to camera)
HE said implicit, not me.
I want to go on record.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is holding the bear he gave to Pam and
leaning against the reception desk. Pam
hangs up the phone and smiles at Jim.

JIM
Have you spoken to Roy, yet?

PAM
No, not yet… I got sidetracked
by all this… hullabaloo.

JIM(smiling)
Did you just say “hullabaloo”?

PAM(laughing)
Yeah. I plan on using “fracas” in
a few minutes.

JIM
Cool.

Just then, Kevin, Angela and Oscar walk up
to Jim looking quite serious. He turns
around to face them.

PAM
Wow, you guys look like you should be
carrying torches.  

JIM
Yeah, really.

KEVIN
Jim, we want you to return Michael’s
lunch.

JIM(annoyed)
Kevin, I don’t have Michael’s lunch.
Why would I take his lunch?

KEVIN
To mess with him… or maybe eat it.

JIM
I don’t mess with Michael, I
mess with Dwight… well, mostly.
And I have my own lunch. Besides,
I don’t like quiche.

KEVIN(suspiciously)
Wait a minute. How did you know Michael’s
lunch was quiche?

JIM
Kev…

KEVIN
How would you know that unless you took it?
You are SO busted, Jim!

JIM
Kev… when Michael came in this morning
he told me AND Pam AND Dwight that he
had quiche for lunch.

Kevin, Oscar and Angela look at Pam, who
nods her head in the affirmative. They all
look at Dwight who is sitting at his desk
staring at the ceiling.

PAM (offscreen)
Dwight!

Dwights rolls his eyes and reluctantly nods.
Angela sighs and gives Kevin a vicious look.

ANGELA(mockingly)
“Dude, I’m telling you, Jim
swiped the quiche.”

Angela rolls her eyes and stalks off,
followed by Oscar. Kevin stands there,
embarrassed. He looks at Jim, then Pam,
then back at Jim. He smiles at Jim.

KEVIN
Hey.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVIN
Now that I think about it, my money is on
Creed. One night, I forgot my cell so I
had to drive back over here and while I was
sitting in the parking lot I saw Creed put
two copiers and a water cooler into a van.
(pause) It was a little suspicious.(nods)

CREED TALKING HEAD
 
                    CREED
        I don’t steal many lunches anymore.
        Too hard to move. Give me something
        like tube socks… car radios… kidneys…
        THOSE I can move. (shakes head)
        There’s just not the same demand for
        ham and cheese sandwiches anymore.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is still leaning on the reception
desk when Michael comes out of his
office and looks in his direction.

MICHAEL
Jim… can I have a word with you?
In my office?

Michael goes back into his office.
Dwight comes out, crosses his arms
And smiles smarmily at Jim. Jim
looks at Pam, who actually appears
a little worried and then the camera.
He then heads towards Michaels door.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
I can’t imagine Jim getting in
trouble over this. I mean, Jim
wouldn’t steal… or “kidnap”
Michael’s lunch. (pause)
But if Dwight somehow gets Jim
fired over this… I’ll be forced
to set his car on fire.(pause)
Seems only fair.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Jim is seated facing Michael across the
desk. Dwight is standing with his arms
folded, staring intently at Jim.

DWIGHT
He’s lying, Michael. I can smell
deception coming off of him in waves.

JIM
That’s because I’m wearing Deception
by Calvin Klein.

MICHAEL
Are you really? Wow, that’s a really
funny coincidence!

DWIGHT(annoyed)
Michael…

MICHAEL
Wait… It’s Obsession, isn’t it?

JIM
Well, I like it a lot but I wouldn’t
go that far.

MICHAEL(confused)
What?

DWIGHT
MICHAEL! He’s toying with us!!
(To Jim) I’m done asking you!
Give me the quiche!

JIM(shocked)
WHAT?!? What did you just say
to me?

DWIGHT(taken aback by Jim’s reaction)
I uh… said… give me the… quiche?

JIM(leaping up)
Michael, I will NOT tolerate this…
sexual harassment! Dwight demanding
a kiss from me is WAY out of line!

DWIGHT
What? I didn’t… that’s ridiculous!
I said give me the quiche!

JIM(Even angrier)
Get AWAY from me! Michael,
get him the HELL out of here!
I’ll tell you what you what
you want to know but he has
GOT to leave!

DWIGHT
Michael, don’t listen to him!

JIM
MICHAEL!

MICHAEL
Uh… Dwight… uh… just give us a
minute.

DWIGHT
I don’t believe this! Michael…

MICHAEL
Just… come on, I just want to
know where my lunch is! Go… go
in the kitchen, Dwight!

Dwight, stunned by this turn of events,
sadly leaves Michael’s office, shaking
his head at Jim. Once he’s outside the
door, Jim’s mood brightens immeasurably.

JIM
So, what do you want to know, Michael?

MICHAEL(put on his heels by Jim’s
sudden attitude adjustment)
Uh… do you know where my… lunch is?

JIM(sincerely)
No. I honestly, HONESTLY do not know
where your lunch is, Michael. I would
never take your food and if I knew
where it was, I would tell you. Ok?

MICHAEL
Um… ok.

JIM
Seriously. I need you to hear
me on this, ok?

MICHAEL
No, I… I hear you.

JIM
Ok… and Michael? Chaining the fridge
and keeping everyone from eating is
probably not the way to go.

MICHAEL
My… mom made that lunch, man. That
means a lot to me.

JIM
I know that… but we’ll figure it out.
This way isn’t the right way, you know?
Let people eat, Michael. Ok?

MICHAEL
Alright… well… maybe… but my mom made
it, man!

JIM
Ok, yeah… but think about it, ok?

MICHAEL
Ok… ok…

Jim starts to leave.

MICHAEL
Jim?

JIM
Yeah?

MICHAEL
That Deception cologne… does smell
pretty good. Chicks dig it?

JIM(suppressing a laugh)
Uh… yeah. They chase me thru
the mall all the time.

MICHAEL
Wow… gotta get some of that.

Jim leaves Michael’s office and
walks over to reception. Pam
anxiously hangs up the phone
and leans forward.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

JIM
It’s ok, I’m good.

Pam looks noticeably relieved.

PAM
Oh, good. ‘Cause, even by Dunder-
Mifflin standards this has gone
way out of control.

JIM
Yeah… uh, hey. I’m kinda working
on Michael to ease up on the whole
uh… Fort Knox refrigerator thing.
Maybe you can go in there… break
out the uh… considerable Beesly
charm and push him along some
more…

PAM
Wow… ”Considerable charm”. I never
knew I had that.

JIM
What? Of course you do! You certainly
charmed the pants off of m… (pause)
uh… not my… uh…

PAM
No, I knew what you… uh… meant…

JIM (laughing)
Not literally… you know, I mean…

PAM(standing)
Yeah, I’ll go and talk to Michael.
I uh… have some things to remind
him of anyway…

JIM (recovering)
Ok. Good job. And when you come back
I’ll detail the monetary and cultural
differences between Fifth Avenue and
Sixth Avenue. Just to prepare you.
(laughs)

PAM(laughs)
Ok, have that ready.

Pam walks over to Michael’s office
and leans in.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

PAM
Do you have a minute, Michael?

MICHAEL
Uh… sure. What’s… going
on, Pam?

PAM
Well, I just wanted to remind you
that there is a big conference
call with New York at 11:00,
tomorrow.

MICHAEL
That’s tomorrow, right? Why are
you…

PAM
Just getting you ready.

MICHAEL
Well, that doesn’t help me
with my lunch today, Pam.

PAM
You’re lunch will turn up,
Michael. No one here took
it.

MICHAEL
How do you know that?

PAM
Because I know. I KNOW. Take the
chain off the refrigerator,
Michael. It’s not right. Your
lunch is around here somewhere.
Don’t punish them for something
that’s been misplaced.

Michael grumbles and shakes his head.

MICHAEL
Alright, MAYBE… But I’m gonna get
to the bottom of this somehow.

PAM
And Michael..please, please, PLEASE
sign those expense reports! I MUST
have them today!

MICHAEL(looking around)
I don’t even know where…

PAM(pointing)
Right there! They’re right behind
you! Over there.

Michael turns and sees them on the
cabinet behind his desk.

MICAHEL
OK, ok, I’ll sign ‘em!
Go… go pester somebody else…

PAM(smiling)
Thank you. And think about
the fridge…

MICHAEL(waving her out)
Yes, ok…

Pam leaves. Michael turns around
and picks up the expense reports.
Underneath the reports is his bagged
lunch. Michael looks at the camera,
embarrassed and rubs his face.

MICHAEL
Oh… damn.

END ACT TWO.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

ACT THREE

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Michael walks slowly out of his
office looking around cautiously.
He is holding a black garbage bag.
Jim turns around when Michael comes
out, leans back in his chair and
watches him.

JIM
What’s in the bag, dad?

MICHAEL(stopping in spite of himself)
That’s… that’s funny… and… timely.

JIM
Yeah.

MICHAEL(thinking hard)
Uh… I had to take my garbage out…
It’s uh… Saddam stinky.

JIM(actually chuckling)
That’s… that’s good. I like that.

MICHAEL(getting into it)
The smell was making me Hussein…

JIM(smile fading)
Ok. Um… so… what’s in your garbage
that stinks so bad?

MICHAEL(looking at bag)
Oh… um… I think it’s… um… some…
um… something.

JIM(looking at camera, smiling)
Ok.

Dwight walks over and interjects
himself.

DWIGHT
Let me handle it, Michael. It might
be toxic.

MICHAEL(annoyed)
It’s not toxic, Dwight.

DWIGHT
How do you know? A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich left in a drawer
can become a deadly toxic bomb over
time…
(looks at Jim)

DWIGHT(continued)
…JIM.

JIM(shaking head)
I keep telling you…
I didn’t put that there, Dwight…

DWIGHT(staring hard at Jim)
Well, I certainly didn’t put a sandwich
in a file folder labeled PB&J!

JIM(fighting back a smile)
I don’t know… you can be pretty anal
about your filing system…

As they argue Michael attempts to
slip away.

DWIGHT
NO, Jim, I don’t file… Michael!
I’ll take care of that. Don’t
endanger yourself needlessly.
That’s my job.

MICHAEL
No, it’s ok…

DWIGHT(lower)
You didn’t open another cyan ink
cartridge, did you?

MICHAEL (rolling eyes)
No! I… know the difference between
cyan and… cayenne… now.

There’s a pause as the three look
at each other, Michael the more
embarrassed of the trio.

DWIGHT
Michael, give me the bag. I’ll
walk it out to the big dumpster.

MICHAEL
No, that’s…

DWIGHT(reaching)
Just back away from it and…

MICHAEL
No! Dwight! I’ll take… you know
what? Never mind. It’s… not that
bad, I’ll just… ignore it. Jeez.

Michael turns and heads back to his office.
We see that his jacket is up in the back on
his left side, because a plastic knife and
fork are sticking out of his pocket. Both
Jim and Dwight look at the camera and then
back to Michael as he closes his door.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
A general doesn’t… admit to
mistakes in front of his
soldiers. (shakes head)No.
A… A general must not appear
fallible. Do you think George
Washington would’ve told Ben
Franklin “Oh… gee, I’m really
sorry, Ben. My bad! No one
stole my lunch, it was over here
on this rock under some expense
reports.” No! No. He would’ve
said “Ben… get your ass back out
there and kill me some British.”
THAT’S what a real general would
do.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Pam sticks her head into Michael’s office.

PAM
You wanted to see me?

MICHAEL
Oh, uh, yeah. Um… close the door, Pam.
This is for your ears only. James Bond.

PAM
Uh… ok.

Pam closes the door behind her and sits
facing Michael.

MICHAEL
Uh… ok, Pam. I have a top secret, super
stealth mission for you. So… mums the word,
keep it to yourself… ok?

PAM
Of course.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(smiling)
Poor Michael. He doesn’t realize that
when he says to me “Pam, I have a top
secret, super stealth mission for you.”
that what he’s REALLY saying is “Pam, I
have a run right out and tell Jim every
stupid detail because it will definitely
be worth a few laughs and POSSIBLY have
some future blackmail and prank potential…
(pause) mission for you.

INT. THE OFFICE MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael continues.

MICHAEL
I want you to take this box(hands closed
cardboard box to Pam), take it downstairs
and put it on the passenger seat of my car…
ok?

PAM
Um… your car is in the shop… remember?

MICHAEL
ARRRGH! That’s right, damn!

Michael puts his head in his hands as
Pam glances at the camera and then back
to him.

MICHAEL
Don’t panic, Pam, stop panicking!! Ok…

Pam gives the camera a “I’M panicking?!?”
look.

MICHAEL
Ok… um… alright. Take this box and leave it
in shipping… no, no, those animals will
probably eat it.

PAM(frowning)
You realize that you just called my fiancé
an animal, right? I don’t… (pause) eat what?

MICHAEL
Uh… what?

PAM
You said they would probably eat it. Eat what?

There is a long pause as Pam and Michael stare
at one another.

PAM
What’s in this box?

She starts to open it but Michael comes around
the desk and snatches the box away and cradles it.

MICHAEL(staring at Pam insanely)
TOP SECRET!

Again they stare at each other, Pam slightly
shocked.

MICHAEL
Um… ok… you know what? I’ll… I’ll take
care of it. It’s ok. Thanks.

PAM
O… k.

Pam backs out of the room with Michael
still clutching the box.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Pam walks over to reception just as Roy
comes through the main door.

ROY
Pammy… you wanted to see me?

Pam glances at Jim who is on the phone
and then turns to Roy.

PAM
Uh… let’s go into the stairwell…

INT.- THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK.

Michael comes out of his office and
stands in front of Jim’s desk.

MICHAEL
Ok, everyone… everybody into the
conference room. C’mon… let’s uh…
let’s… go.

Everyone shuffles into the conference
room reluctantly. Michael looks over
at reception.

MICHAEL
Where the hell is Pam? Dammit…

Michael looks around nervously until
everyone shuffles into the conference
room, then follows them in.

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

Michael pulls the blinds on the door
and all of the windows and stands in
front of the seated group. They are
all annoyed and depressed. No one wants
to be in here.

MICHAEL(nervously)
Ok… um… ok. I’ve uh… finished my
investigation. And… I’m gonna do like
in a mystery show and name the killer.
Just like Murder, She Wrote.


JIM
You’re gonna dress up like Angela
Lansbury and tell us who killed your
lunch?

Toby, seated next to Jim, puts his head
down and smiles slightly.

MICHAEL
Yes. Uh… well, not the dressing up part
but uh, basically, yeah.

JIM
Ok.

MICHAEL
But first, I um… have to get something.
A key um… clue… that I forgot. NOBODY
MOVE. No one.

Michael opens the door and heads out but
leans back in.

MICHAEL
Stay right where you are.

He leaves, shuts the door behind him and
slips into his office.

INT. STAIRWELL

Pam and Roy head down to a middle landing
and face one another. The camera hides at
the top of stairs. We see Pam and Roy
between the bars of the railing.

ROY
So… what’s up, babe?

PAM
Um… I wanted to ask you about
something… um… Jim has to go to
New York this Wednesday and I
was gonna… tag along with him.
You know, um… just for the day
and stuff. Ok?

ROY
What?

Pam really doesn’t want to have to repeat
herself but she sighs and starts again.

PAM
Jim… has to go to New York and…

ROY
Didn’t you tell me that Halpert was
going to New York LAST Friday?

PAM
Uh… yeah.

ROY
So what’s he going back for?

PAM
Um… he had some um… business he has to
take care of that he couldn’t do over
the weekend. So… I was gonna tag along
with him.

ROY
Tag along? Pam, you tag along with
somebody when they hit a bar or…
the movies or… something. Going to New
York is a HELL of a lot more than
tagging along… (he pauses and squints
at Pam)

ROY(continued)
What’s goin’ on?

PAM(eyes wide in surprise)
What? Nothing… nothing’s going…

ROY
I’m gonna go talk with him.

Roy starts to head up the stairs but
Pam grabs his arm.

PAM
Talk to him about what? What is WRONG
with you? There is NOTHING going on,
Roy. He’s my FRIEND!

Roy stares at Pam for a moment.

ROY
Is this because I haven’t taken you
to New York?

PAM
What? No! Roy, It’s just a day with
a friend, ok? That’s all it is.

ROY
I just don’t see why you HAVE to
go to New York with him.

PAM(tired, but trying to be sweet)
Roy… There’s nothing to look for here.
Jim is my… friend. Just my friend. I
don’t HAVE to go… I just wanted to go.

Roy stews for a moment and then moves
closer to Pam and wraps his arms around
her.

ROY(softly)
Listen… why don’t we go to New York?
You and me. I know you’ve been wanting
to. Like… the weekend after next. It’ll
be fun.

PAM(brightening)
Really? You really want to go?

ROY(smiling)
Uh, yeah, set it up. Pick a good hotel…
Not too expensive, we gotta save,
right?

PAM(laughing)
Yeah… Oh, there’s so much
we can do there!

ROY
Yeah, yeah… So… are you
happy with that?

PAM(smiling)
Yes. Yes, I am. (kisses Roy)

ROY
Good… Ok, so, um… you don’t
need to go to New York this
week then, right?

PAM(pulling back)
What?

ROY
Pam, you don’t need to go to
New York for a day when you’re
goin’ for a weekend, babe.
(Laughs) That doesn’t make
sense…

Pam looks down, knowing she
has walked right into it.

ROY(bending down to look
at Pam’s face)
Right?

PAM(quietly)
Yeah.

ROY
I mean… we’ll be staying over,
babe. What can you do in a day,
right?

Pam just nods blankly.

ROY(solemnly, but still sounding
full of shit)
And I want us to experience it
TOGETHER. (kisses Pam again but she
only gives him cheek)

ROY(continued)
Alright, lemme get back down there.
(starts heading down the stairs)

ROY(continued)
See ya at five, Pammy.

PAM(sullen)
Ok.

As Roy walks downstairs, Pam slowly
leans against the stairwell wall
and crosses her arms. She looks
unbelievably sad.

ROY(yelling from offscreen)
Oh, Pammy?

PAM(monotone)
Yeah.

ROY(Still offscreen)
Tell Michael that the padlock he took…
it doesn’t have a key. It’s been missing
for God knows how long.

PAM(shrinking even more)
Ok.

Pam puts her head in her hands and
sighs loudly.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael pokes his head out of his office
carrying his lunch and looks around
carefully. He glances over at the
conference room and is satisfied that
everyone is still in there. He quickly
glides over to Creed’s desk and opens
drawers, looking for space for the bag.
All the drawers are stuffed. Finally
he finds one and starts to slip the bag
in. Just then Pam re-enters the office
and sees Michael from across the room,
shoving his lunch into Creed’s desk.

PAM
MICHAEL! What are you doing?!?

Michael practically leaps out of
his shoes. He is completely
startled.

MICHAEL
I was… I was…

Just then everyone comes out of the
conference room and stares at Michael.

PHYLLIS
Is that your lunch, Michael?

KELLY
You found it! Yay!

MICHAEL
Uh, yeah, yeah… I… it was… it was in
Creed’s desk! Creed stole my lunch!!

Everyone stares at Creed.

CREED
I did?

Kevin gives a happy fist pump and shoves
his hand toward Oscar, who reluctantly
hands him a ten dollar bill.

MICHAEL
Yeah, Creed, you did. Pack up your crap,
and get the hell out of here! You’re done…
for… the day.

CREED(starting to head to his desk)
Fair enough.

PAM
Michael! You were putting that bag into
that drawer, not taking it out!

Michael shoots Pam a withering glare.

MICHAEL
NO… no. I was… uh… putting the evidence
back where I found it. Protecting the
crime scene. (Michael gives the
camera a self-satisfied look, like no
one should question that brilliant-
sounding reason.)

DWIGHT
How did you know it was there in the
first place?

MICHAEL
I… um…

MEREDITH
And why did you have to sneak back
out here and put it back?

KEVIN
Yeah.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I think I’m a good leader, yes. I think
I get the respect that a leader should
be afforded.

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED’S DESK

We see Michael standing in front of
everyone, desperately trying to think
his way out it, looking at each person,
hoping for some kind of out.

MICHAEL(VOICE-OVER)
And with that respect there is the
necessary by-product of fear. A leader
should be feared somewhat, like a parent.
They are children and they should be
afraid to even remotely question my
authority. Harsh, I know but… that’s
how it goes in the leader business.
(nods)

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED’S DESK

MICHAEL(completely flabbergasted)
No, see… I… because… OK, ok! My lunch
was on my desk the whole time and…
and it was covered by those stupid
expense reports! And… I didn’t even
know it was there!
(He points at Pam)

MICHAEL(continued)
It’s your fault I lost my lunch!

Jim pulls out his absolute best Jim face
and shows it to the camera and then Pam,
who shakes her head, open-mouthed. Every-
one just glares at Michael who shuffles
nervously. Then Phyllis walks over to Michael
and gets right in his face.

PHYLLIS(evenly)
I’m going to my LATE lunch with Bob Vance.
I will be gone for TWO hours… Michael.

MICHAEL
Well, gee, Phyllis, that’s a pretty long…

She gives Michael a death stare and he stops.
Phyllis heads towards reception, followed by
Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Oscar, who pauses
long enough to get his ten bucks back from a
hugely disappointed Kevin.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREED
No, I’m not mad that Michael tried to
set me up. I would’ve done the same
thing. Only, I would’ve gotten away
with it.(Creed jerks a thumb back over
his shoulder towards the office)

CREED(continued)
Amatuers… (then points at himself)

CREED(continued)
Pro.(nods cockily)


DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Am I disappointed that Michael did this?
(looks sad) Yes… yes, I am. A leader
should NEVER, EVER frame a subordinate
to cover his own mistakes. Unless… that
subordinate’s name is Jim Halpert.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY
OhmiGod, that was SO crazy. That had,
like, a million twists and turns! First
Michael said someone stole his lunch and
then he tried to fool us into thinking
Creed stole it and then it turned out
that HE STOLE HIS OWN LUNCH. Wow! It was
exactly like The Sixth Sense where Bruce
Willis is just hanging out and then that
creepy kid helps him and then it turns
out that HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.
Y’know? It’s exactly like it!(smile fades
a little) Sorta… (long pause)
Well… maybe not really.

INT.-THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Jim and Pam head back over towards
his desk, Jim looking amused and Pam
looking anxious.

JIM
Wow… so, Pam… let me write your entry
for today… (makes voice effeminate)
Dear diary… today at work, Michael
stole his own lunch and tried to frame
Creed for it. SO not cool. But on the
other hand Jim, my BBF (Best Buddy
Forever) is taking me to New York!
I’ve said it in every previous entry
and I’ll say it again… That Jim Halpert
is soooooo dreamy!

PAM(pained)
Jim… about that…

JIM(smiling)
What, I’m not dreamy? C’mon, that’s
what you wrote, you can’t take it
back.

PAM(reaching for Jim’s arm)
Jim…

Jim looks into Pam’s eyes and just
knows. All the air seems to come
out of him.

JIM(not wanting to believe)
Roy doesn’t want you to go.

PAM(looking into Jim’s eyes)
No… I’m sorry, Jim.

JIM(angry)
Dammit!

Pam grabs Jim’s hand and pulls him
to the conference room and closes
the door.

INT.–THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
I… What is the big deal?!?
Did you explain that it’s…
it’s… NOTHING! It’s just…

PAM
I did, I did. But he… he
didn’t like it. He REALLY
didn’t like the idea. I’m
SORRY, Jim…

JIM(frustrated)
Jesus Christ, what is his problem?!?
Why is he acting so stupid? I’m not…
We’re not… (shakes head) It was just…
And he has to act like an ass over it…
Can’t you just tell him your going?!?

PAM(slightly angry)
Jim! Listen. I’m REALLY sorry, I know
you’re upset but Roy is my
FIANCE and I have to respect how he
feels!

This hits Jim like a ton of bricks.
The reality of what Pam said sobers him
immediately. He blinks at her a few times
and then jams his hands into his pockets.
His head hangs.

JIM(quietly)
Yeah. He is. You’re right. (pause)
I… pushed you into this and… I’m really
sorry. I just got carried away.

PAM(even sadder still)
No, no, Jim, you didn’t…

JIM(sincerely)
It’s… my fault. I put you in a…
bad situation. I… I’m really sorry,
Pam.

PAM
No… Jim…

Jim leaves the conference room. Pam comes
out to follow him but he continues past
reception and out through the main door.
Just then Michael, Dwight, Ryan, Kevin,
Kelly, Angela and Toby come out of the
kitchen. Pam hangs her head and then
hears Michael.

MICHAEL
Alright, alright! I’m getting the key now,
you’ll have your food in a second! Jeez…

PAM(grimacing)
Oh… Michael? Um… About that…

EXT. PARKING LOT/BUILDING ENTRANCE

Jim leans against the wall right next to
the main door. It’s cold but he doesn’t
seem to notice. He is deep in thought,
head down, a sad look upon his face. Once
again, he is dealing with the cold reality
of his situation. Ryan comes thru the door
and looks at him.

RYAN
Hey, man… what’s wrong?

Jim just shakes his head and then
notices something in Ryan’s hand.

JIM
Are those Dwight’s keys?

RYAN
Yeah, I gotta get something outta
his car.

Jim nods and goes back to moping as
Ryan walks off. Then, Jim’s phone rings.
Jim pulls it out and upon recognizing
the number, suddenly remembers what he’s
done.

JIM(standing a few feet from the door now)
Mark! Hey! Uh, listen… about those tickets…
Oh… oh. Damn. Uh, ok…

Just then Pam comes downstairs and pokes
her head out the door. She sees Jim on the
phone and decides to wait until he is done.

JIM(continued)
You know, my plans kinda fell through… I know…
can he just… take ‘em back? (closes eyes, and
shakes head) Well, I can’t use ‘em now… and I
still have to pay for them?

Pam’s eyes widen, her mind racing.

JIM(continued)
I don’t know anybody else that’s
going to New York, dude! Ah, man…
alright… how… how much are they?

Jim pauses and then bends over at the waist,
his elbows on his knees and the phone still
to his ear.

JIM(continued)
You… have GOT to be kidding. Oh… My… God.
I KNOW what I said… Oh, man…(laughs and
stands upright) ‘Cause ya GOTTA laugh, man.
My life… it’s… it’s a complete mess! I work
in this stupid company… I’m in l…(just then he
turns around and sees Pam standing there)

JIM(continued)
Oh, hey. Dude, I gotta go… no, nothin’… I
gotta… ok. Yeah, I’ll (lower) get you the
money, ok? Bye.

Jim hangs up and walks slowly to Pam.
She comes out and wraps her arms around
herself, concern showing on her face.

PAM
Is… everything ok?

JIM
Yeah, yeah, um… Mark. Always something
goofy with that guy… he, uh… needs some
cash… you know…

PAM(not believing but afraid to
push it)
Oh. Um… ok.

Jim starts to walk past Pam but she
puts her hands on his arms.

PAM(quietly)
Jim… I am SO sorry. And… and I don’t
want you to think that you pushed me
into going. I WANTED to go, Jim. Don’t
ever think that I didn’t. It’s just…
so complicated sometimes.

Jim nods but he still can’t look in
Pam’s eyes.

JIM(with a small smile)
Well… who knows? Maybe one
day… we will.
(shrugs and laughs)

JIM (continued)
I guess… we’ll always have
Scranton… right?

Jim walks to the door and goes in. And
although Pam is cold, she just stands
outside and looks into the sky. Just
then, Ryan walks by. He holds a huge bolt
cutter aloft and waves it to Pam.

RYAN(sarcastically)
Lunch is here!

He goes in and, a few seconds later,
a dejected Pam follows.

END ACT III



EPILOGUE

TOBY TALKING HEAD

TOBY

I uh… have my own little way of
gauging how my day went here at
Dunder-Mifflin. I call it the,
uh, Litigation Barometer.


We see a series a shots.
Ryan in the kitchen trying to
work the bolt cutter and Dwight
finally losing patience, taking
it from him and using it himself.
Toby speaking to Michael,
gesturing and shrugging, while
Michael happily eats his quiche
and ignores him.
Toby speaking to Creed, who
points at Michael, then his desk
and then shrugs with a smile and
leaves the office. Toby shakes his
head and looks at Michael, who is
trying to get an aggravated Pam to
smell his lunch. Jim looks on
humorlessly.

TOBY (continued)
It’s a scale from 1 to 5.
1, uh, being “No, no possible
lawsuit could occur from today’s
office activities” to 5, 5 being,
um… “Everyone, expect to be served
with a subpoena before week’s end”.
(pause) Today could possibly be…
an 8. (shakes head)

END EPILOGUE