A/N: AU in S2. Wow, that's geekspeak for sure. It's going to be angsty sometimes, or at least I'm going to try, I don't know how well I write angsty. Hmm.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but if I did, we wouldn't have to wait a month for another episode of the Office. Good Lord.

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"I can't."

But then she did. She let him, and just when he thought she was standing there & only taking it sympathetically, she gave it back to him. He kissed her, and she kissed him back. Her hands fell on his neck, and up through his hair, and he tightened his grip on her waist. He was overwhelmed in those few seconds, the material of her dress against his hands, against his body. When he opened his eyes for a split second, he saw a blur of red hair and her closed eyes and he couldn't do anything but sink back into the kiss.

Then it was over. She had no idea how long he'd wanted to do that.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"Me, too."

They weren't drunk. Neither of them. He forgot where they were, what he was wearing, what his last name was, he didn't care -- his body moved towards hers by itself, feeling like three years was pushing him against her.

"Jim," she whispered, just barely reaching up to him for another kiss. He saw all the reminders of the normal world they were in crash into her suddenly. Then they all hit him.

"You're really going to marry him?"

She nodded, blinked, and just looked at him.

He knew now that their moment was over. For just a few minutes, she was his, and the hands in his were evidence of that. He couldn't linger. He wasn't allowed to be doing this, even though he could've sworn she'd wanted it, too. He had to remember this, remember any part of this as the time when she was his.

"Okay," he said with a sad smile. He wasn't satisfied, but maybe he just had to be. He was confused, but he loved her, and what else can you do with someone you love?

He looked down at his hands with heavy eyes, rubbed her tiny fingers with everything he had. He just had to remember at least that. It wasn't going to be the same. His hands fell away from hers abruptly, and covered his mouth as he turned to walk away from her.

He reached for the doorknob, eager to just leave the dark room. But she called to him.

"Jim, wait."

He slowly turned around. He waited for a sting of tears in his eyes, but they weren't coming. He felt like he wasn't recognizing anything. He kicked himself, thinking maybe he was still riding on hope.

He looked at her expectantly.

"I just, I -- you know," she pleaded with him, using one of her delicate fingers to point abstractly, as if to point directly at the complicated mess they were making, the one they were already living, and the one they'd have to face tomorrow.

He swallowed. Suddenly he felt pathetic. What had he done? Did she realize, with the same depth that he did, what had just happened? This was years ending for him, this was maybe the gateway he'd been waiting for, and she couldn't form a sentence? But she'd kissed him back? He felt anger, sadness, hopelessness all at once like a drink that made him dizzy. He settled back against the frame of the door, and stared at her.

"I am so sorry," she said slowly, talking to the carpet.

He waved his hand, furrowed his eyebrows. Just like a friend would. His gaze fell on her, but she wouldn't meet it. Her hands were busy and nervous, as she still watched the carpet. She blinked a few times, sighed, moved to gather her things.

She took her time, and Jim felt like he should leave but he couldn't. He knew if he moved out of the door, he'd be away from where it happened. With every step, he'd feel the distance even more, it would pound on him. He wasn't ready for that.

Her cell phone rang, and when she shook her hair out of her face as she rummaged through her purse, he noticed the shine of tears in her eyes. She looked at the phone and quickly silenced it.

Something erupted in him just then.

"Pam," he said, a tone with frustration. "What are you doing?"

Her eyes met his, and she looked very small at that moment. Maybe she wasn't ready to leave either.

"Why are you..." he stammered, shrugging and gesturing with his hands all around. He shook his head and ran a hand over his face.

As if talking to her conscience, Pam said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I have .. a fiance, Roy..." The words sounded like she'd read them off a page.

His feet felt heavy, like they'd refuse to walk toward her, but he did anyway. She wouldn't move, and another wave of frustration and that dull pathetic feeling came over him. He thought about his next move.

Her eyes would meet his and then find something else in the room. There was one tear that sat on her cheek, and more gathered in her eyes. Her hair done up with curls, her neat dress, her makeup were all things she'd done without even thinking of him, he realized. He didn't do any of that for her. She wasn't thinking of him. She had a life outside of the office, outside of this room, outside of the space between their desks where their glances were the highlight of his day. He missed her when he left work for the day, he didn't know how he'd make it out the door tonight. And maybe she wasn't thinking about any of that. He saw it sometimes, he thought, in her face when she smiled at him. But maybe she was just cute, charming. Maybe her fiance was wrong for her, but maybe that had nothing to do with him.

But she had still kissed him back. And there were reasons why someone might do that and not mean it, he figured, but maybe Pam wasn't that kind of girl. She'd been with Roy for ten years, and this had never happened. Maybe it did mean something. As much as she was trying to emptily push it aside, maybe her mind was busy with these thoughts, too.

He moved closer to her, inches from her, and brushed the tear away with his thumb. Their eyes locked again, and he could've sworn he saw everything in her.

"You're crying," he said dumbly, as if to question exactly what was going through her head. He silently pleaded with her to explain everything to him. He didn't want to leave this room. He was suffocating in a way, feeling like this could end with him being crushed, maybe drunk at home and with a lonely weekend ahead of him. But at the same time, he wanted to hear everything. He wanted to know which way this was going to go. He had waited forever to do one thing tonight, maybe he was just riding the high from it.

"Come on, Pam," he said, his eyes growing, sadly looking at her and searching her face for anything. Her lips were slightly parted and her head cocked to one side where she'd leaned slightly into his touch. He felt like he was draining.

She looked like she was waiting. Maybe she wasn't, but he didn't have a choice. Maybe he'd left his right mind at the door. He shook his head again, sadly. Then his lips found hers, moving slowly against her. His hands felt everything again, remembering everything, everything, everything. Red curls, soft pale skin, smooth dress, small of her back, the pretty flowery smell he found on her neck. His lips were begging her to respond to anything.

His skin felt hot when she reached her hands up, braced them against his chest. Her lips moved, and he felt like she was finally there, but then she pushed him away.

She stared at him, and he was defeated, but she still looked like she was waiting. He wasn't understanding anything, and now he questioned everything again. Was he really misinterpreting everything? Was he kissing her at the wrong times? Did she even want any of it? It didn't matter, he thought decidedly.

His hands had held her shoulders since their lips parted. He gripped them tightly.

"Please don't marry him," he said seriously. "What are you doing? What are you doing here then?"

Words were failing him, as always, and it was painfully quiet.

He didn't want to walk away from this. He didn't want to leave the room until the wedding was called off, until she was kissing him again. Not until they were happy and laughing like they were that night, not until they were holding hands, not until he could just have her.

But she made the choice for him as she dipped down and out of his hold, and moved towards the door. He winced inside as the door softly clicked, and they were apart.

His hands numbly ran through his hair, he waited for a long time, and then he walked out the door. He stood in the lobby before he went outside, every step away from the office was hard. It felt like the wrong decision, and everything that had happened tonight was telling him to avoid making the phone call, but he knew she would answer if he did. He gritted his teeth thinking about it. He knew it was going to be painful, but maybe it would be worth it. Maybe he was throwing his life away, and setting himself up, or maybe he was moving in the right direction.

Stiff fingers were dialing the number. It rang twice before she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Jan," he breathed into the phone, shaking his head and looking up. He felt like even the ceiling thought he was an idiot. "It's Jim... Halpert..."

"Of course, what can I do for you?"

He smiled in a way, but it wasn't exactly a happy smile. "I think I need to..." he closed his eyes, "stay in Scranton. I don't think I can take the position in Stamford."

"Oh."

"I appreciate the offer and everything, I just don't know if I'm ready to just... leave..."

"Are you sure Jim?" she persisted. "Josh is very talented, Stamford has a great market, they have great numbers constantly, every quarter. It'd be a promotion for you, a step up, it's very different from Scranton. I think you're really well-suited for it. They're all set up for you to say yes."

He swallowed. "I appreciate it, I really do." He wished he could gauge between wrong and right, he felt doomed either way, and he was at a low, but something was tugging at him. At that moment, he saw through the double doors, Roy's truck drive into the parking lot. Pam had been standing out of his view, and stepped into the truck. They drove away, as he heard Jan sigh.

"Okay, well," she said, "if there's anything I can do to change your mind, be sure to call me. I think you'd really like Stamford. Just call me if you change your mind, all right?"

"All right," he agreed. He still stared at the space where Pam had just been moments ago. He folded his phone closed and shoved it back into his pocket. He was thankful it was Saturday tomorrow, as he started towards his car.

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Yeah, so, AU. I've been trying to think of a story that I could build on, not just a oneshot, and this is what I came up with. I'll see how it goes, let me know what you think. =)

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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Jim had fallen onto his bed four hours ago and hadn't closed his eyes since. At least not in any attempts to fall asleep, more in frustration at his exhausting life.

It had been the third night like this. Friday after kissing her, Saturday after waiting for a call, and now Sunday after wishing all day. He had wished for a lot of things in the last hours when Sunday was fading. He prayed for things to be different, for the first real time since all of this had started with her years ago, he actually prayed that it would be over. That she would realize things, that some intervention would happen, because clearly his words did no good.

She was really marrying him. He had always seen her around him, in his life. She really was his best friend, and they'd spent time together outside of work, and of course while they worked. And he had always seen her as such a part of him, even his mother knew all about her. He couldn't understand why suddenly she didn't feel like that at all.

What was she thinking tonight? Was she pushing all of this aside while she enjoyed a weekend with her fiance?

He sat up to have a drink of water from the nighstand. He felt dizzy, just like he had all weekend. He was sick. It had always been such a cliche to actually get sick from emotions, from bad days; it had never happened to him before.

He was disgusted with that thought. He'd never been this guy and he was sick over her. Actually, physically sick.

His feet had barely touched the floor before he found himself throwing up an empty stomach into the toilet down the hall.

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She's really marrying him.

He thought about calling into work. Numerous times, and even after he had broken down sometime early this morning and made a call to Mark when it was still dark, he knew he couldn't.

He knew it would only make it worse, make it another day where he avoided her, and nothing was getting better.

Sick for sure, but as he looked in the mirror he saw a lot more. He hadn't seen himself in days, hadn't glanced for anything. He even had thick stubble framing his face from not shaving over the weekend. In the mirror he managed to look human, but he saw paleness and shadows under his eyes. He was sure she'd see it, among other people at the office.

As he threaded his tie around and through, he sighed at the thought of the desk, the office, and how everything took place right there a few days earlier. He groaned and shook his head, fighting the urge to flop back onto the bed, call in sick, and lie there for days.

It wasn't worth it. Pam would just end up answering the phone and he'd talk to her anyway, and she'd probably expect the call.

So he didn't call in, and instead got into his car and started it. He sat for five minutes, his hand pressed against his forehead. Bitterly, he turned off the radio -- he didn't want to hear any music, because whatever it was, it would remind him of this moment and these times for the rest of his life. Just like the sounds of the rain touching the windshield would, most likely, and the blur of dull sunshine ahead of him.

When he found his will, the drive all the way to the office was just a reminder of how lonely and desperate he felt. He'd wanted her for so long, he naively thought that it was bad before. Now he felt rejected, and even worse, he felt like it shouldn't have happened. He felt like Pam was wrong with Roy, and maybe she knew it now. She'd kissed him back. And still, they were apart.

He cursed at himself quietly for turning down the position in Stamford. He pulled next to her car, because it was the only space left, and made a note to himself to move it at lunch, so as to avoid awkward timing leaving work.

His body felt fuzzy as he walked all the way to the elevator, all the way down the hall, and felt the cold metal of the door handle on his fingers. It was ten minutes before the hour as he stood there, wondering why he hadn't showed up at the last second. Why did he want to spend an extra ten minutes here today?

When the door opened, and he almost forgot he had been the one to open it, Pam's chair was empty.

The miles in his mind were occupied with thoughts instantly. She'd called in sick? She was avoiding him? She was breaking up with Roy at that instant at the apartment they shared. She'd been in car accident. She quit.

He came back to himself, remembering her car in the lot.

Michael was in his office, but with the door shut, secluded from the rest of the room. Kelly waved to Jim as she made a quick copy and returned to the annex. Then he was alone in the room.

He thought about camping out in the bathroom for a few minutes, but he was sure that's where Pam was, if she wasn't at her desk. He decided against it.

Unenthusiastically, he began his routine for the workday. Removed his jacket, untangled from the strap of his bag, turned on the computer, and sat down to watch it start up. One hand numbly let fingers drum on the desk, the other supported his heavy head.

The door from Michael's office opened, but he didn't move. He thought maybe he was falling asleep with his eyes open until he heard their voices, with his gaze still fixed on the monitor.

"I need to fax corporate for most of the paperwork, Pam," Toby began, "and we can get it signed later, sound good?"

"Yeah, sounds good," Pam said quickly. As crazy as it sounded, he could almost smell her as she rushed past his desk, just the same as he could that night.

"Pam, I'm here if you, need anything," Michael said seriously, and awkwardly. "I am a great listener."

"Um, okay, thanks," Pam replied, just as awkwardly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her sit at the desk and breathe out. Instantly her hands were working and she was shaking the hair out of her face.

A meeting in Michael's office before anyone else had showed up? He could see Michael calling Pam into his office alone, obviously, for a number of trivial tasks they'd later laugh about. But with Toby, other possibilities came to mind.

She was leaving, he thought suddenly. His palms were sweating. This couldn't happen, she had to stop ruining him.

Slowly, feet and familiar but far away bodies were making their ways into the office. Nobody was saying "good morning" today. It's like they knew and made the effort to be depressing. Maybe they'd just seen the rain and decided to be gloomy. Maybe their life was hell, like mine, thought.

He shook his head against his hand and thought to email her, see what was up. But their friendship was in no condition.

Friendship, he thought blankly. Even if they had one still, it's not what he wanted. He'd settle for it, always, if there was nothing else, but damn, it's not what he wanted.

I want to be more than that, he'd said in the dark that night.

She coughed. Two minutes later, she yawned. Maybe ten minutes after that, she got up to fax something. Michael made a joke. With each of these things, he'd reminded himself not to look at her.

His body felt deprived, though. All of the fibers that made him who he was, and were, before Friday night, living to see her smile everyday, waited to see her today. When she walked past his desk to the bathroom at 10:30, he let his gaze follow her. He wondered if anything about her had changed, but physically nothing hadn't. She wore a gray sweater, a black skirt, and her white Keds. Except her hair, it was down. It was red, and full of curls, and sat completely on her shoulders. He knew she was beautiful.

When she disappeared into the door away from the room, he stared at the space where she'd been. He hadn't noticed all of the sounds of the office before until he was zoning out now. Soft clicks of keys all around him, humming of some distant appliance -- maybe the air conditioner -- and the shuffle of paper somewhere.

He had stared until she returned and accidentally met her eyes. He knew he did it, but he looked at her anyway, and only looked away when she did suddenly. His heart sank again and groaned as Michael announced an impromptu meeting from the corporate office.

"Michael, we're busy, we have a lot of work to do," Oscar pleaded. "If you want to discuss Jan's memo, could we just do it here? It shouldn't take more than two seconds."

"It's Monday, we're swamped," Angela added. "And if we go into the conference room, we're not going to come out for at least an hour, I know it, this always happens--"

Michael insisted, waving his hand and making a loud remark. Jim felt a wave of annoyance silently wash over the room as he pulled himself out of the chair and wandered to the conference room. Kevin sat next to him, and pounded his fist, not noticing Jim's demeanor. Phyllis sat on his other side, and suggested he must have had a long weekend. Jim just nodded and forced a small smile.

"First," Michael said in a low voice, "I think we should all look at Pam. She has an announcement to--"

"No, Michael," Pam protested, looking at him with wide eyes. She shook her head, her and Jim's eyes met again briefly. She tore away and blinked. "No, Michael, I'm not going to... no, would you just..."

Michael looked at her expectantly, question all over his face.

"No, just please, the memo..."

"Okay," he said unsteadily. "Whenever you're ready, though, Pam."

Pam rolled her eyes, and from across the room, Jim felt the urge to ask her aloud what was going on. Although he was sure he could get it out of Michael with nothing more than a sandwich or made-up gossip, he wanted to hear it from Pam. Hell, maybe he didn't want to hear it at all. With that thought he shuddered at possibilities -- mostly of Pam being gone in some way. Maybe she was leaving after the wedding. Maybe she was just leaving to get away from him.

But she had kissed him back. It had only been three days ago. Was his mind playing tricks on him? He had wanted to remember everything about those moments he had with her, he remembered that much. He had made his hands remember hers.

Jim tried to sit back and think about that moment, knowing it wasn't helping, but when he was kissing her and she was kissing him back, she was his. He closed his eyes just for an instant, remembering this. He wanted to play it back over and over again.

But instead he had to sit through a forty-five minute meeting about a new policy on lunch breaks.

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His body was exhausted. Partially because his boredom wasn't satisfied by a chat with his best friend like every other day, but mostly because he had lost that friend all day. He had been losing her since Friday night, and it had rolled like a snowball. He felt like an idiot again.

Gathering all of his things from his desk, he noticed she was doing the same. He had planned to move his car away from hers, but there were no empty spaces in the lot at the time, so he had spent his lunch break in his car. His forehead had pressed against the steering wheel for thirty agonizing minutes, where he pictured them together again.

Please don't marry him, he said to her. It sounded so foreign, the words he thought to himself when they shared a joke before, or at night when he thought of her before he dreamed of her. But he said it to her, his mouth had opened and said it to her. She said nothing back.

He pretended to keep himself busy at his desk, giving her a head start. She made a few extra faxes, and while they went through, he quit his charade and swiftly left the room. He jammed one hand into his pocket and grabbed his phone with the other. He faked a phone call on the way to his car to avoid conversation with anybody. He said nothing but "Yeah... yeah... yeah, sounds good... sure... okay..." Then he was in his car and heading home.

He looked over to his right absently as he started his car and saw Pam stepping into her car beside his. Her left hand gripped the outside of the door while she stepped inside. She pulled the door shut, and the same hand reached up for the seat belt that she fastened before she drove away.

Jim sat in the parking lot for a few minutes after she'd left, trying hard to remember if he'd seen a ring or not.

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This is my first story with chapters, so I hope I'm leaving somebody out there in some small amount of suspense, haha. Let me know. =)