A/N: AU in S2. Wow, that's geekspeak for sure. It's going to be angsty sometimes, or at least I'm going to try, I don't know how well I write angsty. Hmm.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but if I did, we wouldn't have to wait a month for another episode of the Office. Good Lord.
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"I can't."
But then she did. She let him, and just when he thought she was standing there & only taking it sympathetically, she gave it back to him. He kissed her, and she kissed him back. Her hands fell on his neck, and up through his hair, and he tightened his grip on her waist. He was overwhelmed in those few seconds, the material of her dress against his hands, against his body. When he opened his eyes for a split second, he saw a blur of red hair and her closed eyes and he couldn't do anything but sink back into the kiss.
Then it was over. She had no idea how long he'd wanted to do that.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
"Me, too."
They weren't drunk. Neither of them. He forgot where they were, what he was wearing, what his last name was, he didn't care -- his body moved towards hers by itself, feeling like three years was pushing him against her.
"Jim," she whispered, just barely reaching up to him for another kiss. He saw all the reminders of the normal world they were in crash into her suddenly. Then they all hit him.
"You're really going to marry him?"
She nodded, blinked, and just looked at him.
He knew now that their moment was over. For just a few minutes, she was his, and the hands in his were evidence of that. He couldn't linger. He wasn't allowed to be doing this, even though he could've sworn she'd wanted it, too. He had to remember this, remember any part of this as the time when she was his.
"Okay," he said with a sad smile. He wasn't satisfied, but maybe he just had to be. He was confused, but he loved her, and what else can you do with someone you love?
He looked down at his hands with heavy eyes, rubbed her tiny fingers with everything he had. He just had to remember at least that. It wasn't going to be the same. His hands fell away from hers abruptly, and covered his mouth as he turned to walk away from her.
He reached for the doorknob, eager to just leave the dark room. But she called to him.
"Jim, wait."
He slowly turned around. He waited for a sting of tears in his eyes, but they weren't coming. He felt like he wasn't recognizing anything. He kicked himself, thinking maybe he was still riding on hope.
He looked at her expectantly.
"I just, I -- you know," she pleaded with him, using one of her delicate fingers to point abstractly, as if to point directly at the complicated mess they were making, the one they were already living, and the one they'd have to face tomorrow.
He swallowed. Suddenly he felt pathetic. What had he done? Did she realize, with the same depth that he did, what had just happened? This was years ending for him, this was maybe the gateway he'd been waiting for, and she couldn't form a sentence? But she'd kissed him back? He felt anger, sadness, hopelessness all at once like a drink that made him dizzy. He settled back against the frame of the door, and stared at her.
"I am so sorry," she said slowly, talking to the carpet.
He waved his hand, furrowed his eyebrows. Just like a friend would. His gaze fell on her, but she wouldn't meet it. Her hands were busy and nervous, as she still watched the carpet. She blinked a few times, sighed, moved to gather her things.
She took her time, and Jim felt like he should leave but he couldn't. He knew if he moved out of the door, he'd be away from where it happened. With every step, he'd feel the distance even more, it would pound on him. He wasn't ready for that.
Her cell phone rang, and when she shook her hair out of her face as she rummaged through her purse, he noticed the shine of tears in her eyes. She looked at the phone and quickly silenced it.
Something erupted in him just then.
"Pam," he said, a tone with frustration. "What are you doing?"
Her eyes met his, and she looked very small at that moment. Maybe she wasn't ready to leave either.
"Why are you..." he stammered, shrugging and gesturing with his hands all around. He shook his head and ran a hand over his face.
As if talking to her conscience, Pam said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I have .. a fiance, Roy..." The words sounded like she'd read them off a page.
His feet felt heavy, like they'd refuse to walk toward her, but he did anyway. She wouldn't move, and another wave of frustration and that dull pathetic feeling came over him. He thought about his next move.
Her eyes would meet his and then find something else in the room. There was one tear that sat on her cheek, and more gathered in her eyes. Her hair done up with curls, her neat dress, her makeup were all things she'd done without even thinking of him, he realized. He didn't do any of that for her. She wasn't thinking of him. She had a life outside of the office, outside of this room, outside of the space between their desks where their glances were the highlight of his day. He missed her when he left work for the day, he didn't know how he'd make it out the door tonight. And maybe she wasn't thinking about any of that. He saw it sometimes, he thought, in her face when she smiled at him. But maybe she was just cute, charming. Maybe her fiance was wrong for her, but maybe that had nothing to do with him.
But she had still kissed him back. And there were reasons why someone might do that and not mean it, he figured, but maybe Pam wasn't that kind of girl. She'd been with Roy for ten years, and this had never happened. Maybe it did mean something. As much as she was trying to emptily push it aside, maybe her mind was busy with these thoughts, too.
He moved closer to her, inches from her, and brushed the tear away with his thumb. Their eyes locked again, and he could've sworn he saw everything in her.
"You're crying," he said dumbly, as if to question exactly what was going through her head. He silently pleaded with her to explain everything to him. He didn't want to leave this room. He was suffocating in a way, feeling like this could end with him being crushed, maybe drunk at home and with a lonely weekend ahead of him. But at the same time, he wanted to hear everything. He wanted to know which way this was going to go. He had waited forever to do one thing tonight, maybe he was just riding the high from it.
"Come on, Pam," he said, his eyes growing, sadly looking at her and searching her face for anything. Her lips were slightly parted and her head cocked to one side where she'd leaned slightly into his touch. He felt like he was draining.
She looked like she was waiting. Maybe she wasn't, but he didn't have a choice. Maybe he'd left his right mind at the door. He shook his head again, sadly. Then his lips found hers, moving slowly against her. His hands felt everything again, remembering everything, everything, everything. Red curls, soft pale skin, smooth dress, small of her back, the pretty flowery smell he found on her neck. His lips were begging her to respond to anything.
His skin felt hot when she reached her hands up, braced them against his chest. Her lips moved, and he felt like she was finally there, but then she pushed him away.
She stared at him, and he was defeated, but she still looked like she was waiting. He wasn't understanding anything, and now he questioned everything again. Was he really misinterpreting everything? Was he kissing her at the wrong times? Did she even want any of it? It didn't matter, he thought decidedly.
His hands had held her shoulders since their lips parted. He gripped them tightly.
"Please don't marry him," he said seriously. "What are you doing? What are you doing here then?"
Words were failing him, as always, and it was painfully quiet.
He didn't want to walk away from this. He didn't want to leave the room until the wedding was called off, until she was kissing him again. Not until they were happy and laughing like they were that night, not until they were holding hands, not until he could just have her.
But she made the choice for him as she dipped down and out of his hold, and moved towards the door. He winced inside as the door softly clicked, and they were apart.
His hands numbly ran through his hair, he waited for a long time, and then he walked out the door. He stood in the lobby before he went outside, every step away from the office was hard. It felt like the wrong decision, and everything that had happened tonight was telling him to avoid making the phone call, but he knew she would answer if he did. He gritted his teeth thinking about it. He knew it was going to be painful, but maybe it would be worth it. Maybe he was throwing his life away, and setting himself up, or maybe he was moving in the right direction.
Stiff fingers were dialing the number. It rang twice before she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Jan," he breathed into the phone, shaking his head and looking up. He felt like even the ceiling thought he was an idiot. "It's Jim... Halpert..."
"Of course, what can I do for you?"
He smiled in a way, but it wasn't exactly a happy smile. "I think I need to..." he closed his eyes, "stay in Scranton. I don't think I can take the position in Stamford."
"Oh."
"I appreciate the offer and everything, I just don't know if I'm ready to just... leave..."
"Are you sure Jim?" she persisted. "Josh is very talented, Stamford has a great market, they have great numbers constantly, every quarter. It'd be a promotion for you, a step up, it's very different from Scranton. I think you're really well-suited for it. They're all set up for you to say yes."
He swallowed. "I appreciate it, I really do." He wished he could gauge between wrong and right, he felt doomed either way, and he was at a low, but something was tugging at him. At that moment, he saw through the double doors, Roy's truck drive into the parking lot. Pam had been standing out of his view, and stepped into the truck. They drove away, as he heard Jan sigh.
"Okay, well," she said, "if there's anything I can do to change your mind, be sure to call me. I think you'd really like Stamford. Just call me if you change your mind, all right?"
"All right," he agreed. He still stared at the space where Pam had just been moments ago. He folded his phone closed and shoved it back into his pocket. He was thankful it was Saturday tomorrow, as he started towards his car.
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Yeah, so, AU. I've been trying to think of a story that I could build on, not just a oneshot, and this is what I came up with. I'll see how it goes, let me know what you think. =)
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali