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 ** Grrr. Dang, freakin' hiatus!

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest, where disappointment and regret collide...

Death Cab for Cutie, Title and Registration

Her whole body was shaking, but all she saw were her hands.

Those couldn't be her hands.

She gripped the steering wheel.

Clenched the dashboard, the gearshift.

Anything to stop the trembling.

She had to get out of the parking lot, but her hands - they couldn't hold a key, let alone, put one in the ignition.

Something bubbled, fought its way out of her, and she laughed, deep and long, rueful, sardonic; dropping her hands to her lap, she imagined turning blue from lack of oxygen and trembling to death from fear and elation.

In her car.

At Poor Richard's.

"Oh my god," she gasped. "What is wrong with me?"

She pursed her lips, vision blurring with a wetness she didn't feel, and rested her forehead against the steering wheel.

A sigh, or maybe a sob, escaped into nothing, swallowed up by a crashing glass.

She hadn't planned on telling him, in that way or moment, but it was there, in her thoughts (always) and on her tongue, and it felt right; seemed... real.

She'd loved Roy for a third of her life, so she could be honest, she could change - and he'd still love her.

Right?

That's what she'd counted on. (But somewhere inside, she'd known - maybe even hoped.)

What she hadn't expected was relief at his anger.

Fear, disappointment, sadness, loss.

Yes, those things, too.

But somewhere, relief.

No more pretending.

I kissed Jim.

Direct.

Look out world, Old Pammy is getting what she wants.

Because, in the end, saying it (admitting, finally, admitting), had been more about being honest with herself - not Roy.

This is over.

Courage and honesty.

She'd truly, desperately, wanted to believe Roy could change. If he could, that might mean...

But he hadn't.

She had.

Now she was alone.

Free. (Of Roy, at least, but not of...)

She wasn't sure where that left her.

And at the moment, didn't really care.