My name’s Pamela. Pamela Beasly. And I’m a cop.

I’m stationed here at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company for an undercover sting operation. I’ve been here for three years and I’m really narrowing in on what’s going down.

We believe a narcotics ring is operating out of the building.

So far I have two suspects: this one Creed guy and this other guy Toby something.

Anyway I’d tell you more but it’s all confidential and stuff.

Plus holy cow, um yeah, baby! My boss just walked in. He is so fucking hot. I swear to god he makes my fallopian tubes straighten every time he moves those sweet cheeks of his. I call him Mickey in my dreams, like saddle up Mickey Mouse, I want to go for a ride on your Magic Mountain! In real life, he’s Michael Scott and if I wasn’t on the job I would be banging him like a drum!

Now I got to act all secretary-like.

“Sure, Michael, I can fax those for you.”

Fax those straight down my panties and out my back door!

Speaking of hot man meat straight off the grill here comes (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID) Michael’s number two go-to guy, Jim.  Jim Halpert is why every girl joins the force. You dream and dream of pulling this guy over and charging him with some trumped-up charge so you can get the cuffs on him and knock him out cold with your nightstick and then haul him into the woods and…

Detective Pamela leaves her post for a small bathroom break.

Yeah. Sorry about that. Really needed to masturbate. So, where was I? Oh…right, right. Jim. That’s why they sent in that second cop. I know she’s a tough-ass cop from internal affairs. She’s gotten it written all over her face. Hard ass. Toned muscles. Amazing lips. Those deep sensuous eyes. Only internal affairs can smolder like that. But I know she’s a stooge. Look at her name! Karen Filippelli? What’s up with that? Why don’t you just call yourself Jane Doe, sister? Anyway that’s why I’ve been giving Jim the cold shoulder the last few months. She’s just waiting for me to slip up.

Today’s mission: I’m supposed to tape record all the phone calls going in and out.

I can tell you it’s not Creed but do they believe me at headquarters? Hell, no. I’m like: He talks in Chinese! On the phone! Name one drug that comes out of China! None! Exactly. And I’ve told them and told them. But they just yabber on. Don’t worry, though. I ‘m 99.9% sure it’s this Toby character. He uses code words like “Tonight’s not good for me.” and “Well, can you get a babysitter?” Through interrogation I’ve found out his fence is named Sasha. I’m this close to nailing the guy. And not in a good way.

Oh, sweet jesus. I have to sit down. I swear every time he comes (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID) over to my desk for candy, all I can think is 'Take It Off TEDDY BEAR! I’ve got some singles right here with your name written all over them!' But that damn Kevin is such a tease.

Wait, I’ve got to fake an interaction.

“You have to eat the black ones, too, Kevin. Don’t pick them out like that.”

You have to eat the black ones, too! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!! Oh god, I was so bummed when my Sergeant found out about Roy. No liaisons with suspects, he said. Liaisons? Is that even a word? My Sergeant’s a tool. I should know. He’s whipped me with it more than once. I was dumping Roy anyway. That guy farts like he’s been on a three day bean burrito diet. If the Sergeant hated my liasi-assing with Roy then he probably won’t like that I've been infiltrating Darryl. I can always use the old stand-by: I was searching him for drugs. Full body search. Anal Probe! Humma-humma-yeah.

The camera pans away from Pam when they realize that she's been rubbing up and down the side of her desk a little too vigorously.

Okay, looks like it's showtime! We've got another phone call from Toby the Smack King. Let's listen in!

“Hi, this is Toby Flenderson, Scranton HR... just returning your phone call. I’m just confirming that I did receive the addenda on the severance packages.”

Okay. There’s a hidden meaning in that. “just returning your phone call…” I bet that’s a signal for “the drop was made and I’ve collected it.”  “Received the addenda” can only mean “got the heroin”.  “The severance packages.....” what the hell does that mean? Maybe like he got seven bags of the shit? Damn junkie codes. That’s it. I’m sick of this waiting game!

Let me unleash my Magnum 44 that I carry in my thigh highs for just such emergencies..

“Reach for the sky, fucker! Yes, I’m talking to you, Toby the Smack!! Drop your weapon….what the fuck is that? Yeah! Drop that stapler!! You are so going down. You are under arrest for…damn it! Where’s my Miranda Rights cheat sheet? Ok. Wait here. I’ll be right back; I left it in the car with my handcuffs!”