“Dunder Blunders, is a program that I’ve been running for the past few weeks now to help the employees learn the rights and wrongs of the office,” Michael explains. “It’s been very successful, and I’ve received nothing but kind words about it. Jan even said ‘Michael, you shouldn’t’ which I thought was adorable.”
“Dunder Blunders is Michael’s excuse to never leave,” Jim offers his interpretation. “Every week he comes in and wastes about an hour of our time and then sticks around for the rest of the day and just causes a general commotion.” Michael races Dwight’s desk chair around the office as Dwight waves his arms compulsively, knocking things off people’s desks. Jim watches helplessly from his office door.
“Some of Michael’s ‘important lessons,’” Oscar begins with air quotes, “were genocide…”
From one of Michael’s seminars, Kevin is on his knees with hands raised. Pam stands behind him holding an air gun. “Quiet you,” she instructs with poor acting. “You are one who eats pizza, therefore those who eat pasta will kill you.”
“… disabilities…” Oscar continues.
A line of six employees stand in the front of the conference room. Kelly is wearing a blindfold, Oscar wears a pair of large ear muffs, Jim has oven mitts on his hands, Stanley has a clothespin on his nose, Creed has a sock in his mouth, and Dwight holds binoculars.
“These are the six senses,” Michael explains.
“Aren’t there only five,” Ryan asks curiously.
“Yeah, and what is Dwight supposed to be?” Pam questions.
Michael rolls his eyes, “Dwight is sight of the dead. I wasn’t sure how to show that so I gave him binoculars in case the dead people were far away.”
Pam and Jim share an amused look.
“… pregnancy scares…”
“All right everybody,” Michael says handing out several boxes. “We are all going to take pregnancy tests!”
“… censorship…”
“I want everyone to stand up here and say exactly how they feel about anybody in this office,” Michael announces. “Here Kevin, I want you to read this,” he hands Kevin a card.
Kevin stands up, “Does the carpet match the drapes?” He begins, “Or did you have it removed for hardwood?” Kevin chokes his laughter. Everyone stares in horror.
Michael continues his speech, “I want you to be able to walk into this office with your pants off or your shirt undone and just to be able to say: ‘This is me y’all, and fuck you if you can’t see me for that.’” Michael begins to unbutton his shirt, “And make sure you get that really gritty language in there too.” Michael loosens his belt and nods towards Stanley. “Stan the man can give out suggestions if your drawing blanks on any of the,” he throws his head back and shouts, “bleeps!” Michael unbuttons his pants.
“Okay, I think we’re done for today,” Jim says stopping Michael from stripping.
“… and my personal favorite, love triangles,” Oscar finishes with a laugh.
“Oh no,” Pam says dryly. “Who will I choose?”
Behind her Angela stands with arms folded across her chest and Meredith who lazily looks towards the clock.
Michael shakes his head, “More conflicted, you guys. This isn’t just any love triangle. It’s a lesbian love triangle. You all love each other!”
“You know,” Oscar laughs again, “all relevant office situations.”
Michael enters the office with a crate and a rolling suitcase. “Pamalama-ding-dong,” he addresses Pam as he walks past her desk.
Pam shuts her eyes tightly before ringing Jim quickly, “Michael Scott alert.”
“The final straw?” Jim considers this for a moment to the camera. “It was probably violence in the workplace.”
Michael hands out an assortment of foam bats. Jim whacks Dwight in the back of the head. Dwight turns around and glares.
“Violence, is a very scary thing,” Michael begins, hesitantly handing a bat to Stanley. “Now I want you all to take out your aggression on one another with these harmless toys so you realize how pointless violence really is.”
Jim bops Pam on the head. Phyllis whacks Michael. “No!” Michael yells. “We are not taking out aggression on me!”
Michael joins Jim in his office. Michael puts his hand in the air for a high five, but Jim keeps his hands in his pocket. “Hey Jimbo, what’s the deal-yo?”
“We’re not doing Dunder Blunders today,” Jim says plainly.
Michael narrows his eyes warily. “But it’s Tuesday.”
“That it is,” Jim agrees, “but we’re still not doing Dunder Blunders.”
Michael tilts his head thoughtfully and lowers his voice. “I don’t understand.”
“We’re not postponing another day of deadlines so you can run around and act out skits all day.”
“I don’t think you speak for everybody when you say this,” Michael says simply. “But I’m pretty sure that I speak for everyone when I say ‘Boo hiss, me want more Dunder Blunders.’”
“I do not agree with that,” Jim says with a nod. “And actually, Jan agrees with the ‘No More Dunder Blunders’ Plan as well.”
Michael’s jaw drops incredulously. “You went around me to Jan?”
“Ever since Jim got promoted to regional manager,” Michael begins to the camera. “I think it’s pretty obvious to everybody that he’s become a complete buzz kill. He’s all about the customer, and getting work done. My biggest priority when I had his job was not the customer; it was my employees, and making sure that they were my friend. No matter what the cost.”
“I can’t believe you, man,” Michael says shaking his head. “Jan?”
“What’s worse is that he thinks that if he goes straight to my weakness,” Michael continues to the camera, “my woman,” he emphasizes, “that he can get what he wants. He might as well have just come up to me and said ‘Listen, Michael, I want to ruin your dreams.’”
Jim licks his lips and bows his head. “I was having a hard time communicating with you and I thought I’d check with Jan first for proper procedures.”
“I just,” Michael continues to shake his head. “I just thought that we knew each other, you know? That we were on the same team.” He ducks his head in an attempt to prevent his tears. “It just sucks that I was wrong, you know? It just really, really sucks.”
Jim presses his lips together and turns his attention to the camera widening his eyes. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I don’t think Michael and I are friends anymore,” Jim says to the camera. He scratches behind his ear as he looks around.
“I’ve gotten much better with my drinking,” Meredith admits to the camera. She ducks into the kitchen and gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. She smells it and nods approvingly. “But my son just got expelled so I’ve been trying to find other schooling for him.” She pours the “water” into some cranberry juice. “It’s been really stressful.”
Kevin slips past Meredith in the kitchen. “Stacey and I have been planning our wedding,” he explains. “We’re trying to pull it off sometime during February. Not on Valentine’s day but around it.” He goes through the fridge pulling out the same bottle of “water” Meredith had just taken out. Glancing over his shoulder, he pours some in his soda. “It’s been really stressful.”
Creed steps into the kitchen after Kevin and takes a few swigs from the “water” bottle. “I’m drunk,” he says to the cameras. “What about it?”
Jim groans as he hangs up the phone and heads towards the elevator. Down in the warehouse Michael wears a fat suit while the guys pass around photographs of obese actors and eat pizza.
“Since Mister Buzz Kill Halpert wouldn’t allow me to do my presentation in the conference room,” Michael explains, “I decided to bring it down to warehouse, because they are as much a part of this office as anybody upstairs is.” He looks down, “The fat suit?” He laughs, “This actually has to do with today’s lesson which is ‘obesity.’ It’s something a lot of people,” he covers his mouth with his hand and mumbles, “Kevin,” he clears his throat, “deal with after too much office life.” Michael holds up a few photos, “I’ve got some pictures of famous ‘fat’ actors, including Fat Albert of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Fat Bastard, no need to bleep that out it’s just his name.” He laughs filing through some more photos. “Um Newman from Cheers…”
“You mean Seinfeld,” The cameraman corrects.
Michael narrows his eyes and shakes his head, “No Jerry Seinfeld wasn’t overweight.”
“Let’s see, the cast of Rosanne, Gwyneth Paltrow,” he says holding up a still from Shallow Hal. “Wow, I never realized how many fat people there were in entertainment,” he says fanning through some more photos. “Almost like an epidemic.”
Jim appears in the doorway and Michael rolls his eyes. “Look who we’ve got here,” Michael says as Jim makes his way down the stairs. “Mister I’m too good for my old boss. Mister I don’t need you to be my friend.”
“Hey Michael,” Jim says squinting curiously at his new wardrobe and catching the camera with confused eyes. “Can I talk to you real quick?” He says gesturing past his shoulder with his thumbs.
“Why?” Michael demands. “So you can spit on some more of my hopes and dreams?”
“Just wanted to clear a few things up, that’s all,” Jim explains.
Jim and Michael sit on some stacks of paper. Michael has a hard time boosting himself on the makeshift bench, and wiggles in his fat suit until he’s sitting comfortably.
“My problem with what went down,” Michael begins, “is that you felt the need to go through Jan instead of me.”
“And I completely understand that,” Jim agrees. “But sometimes I have a hard time talking with you on an adult level.”
“Because of the whole bosom buddy things,” Michael nods.
“Yeah, okay,” Jim says nodding in agreement, “let’s go with that.” He presses his lips together and then clasps his hands. “I think that you’re having a hard time moving on.” Jim continues, “I think you need to move on from the fact that you don’t work here anymore.”
Michael frowns, “I’m not exactly following here.”
Jim sighs heavily. “You need to let go of your old job and focus on your new one,” Jim elaborates. “Or else you’re probably going to get fired.”
Michael thinks about it for a moment and begins to nod his head, “That is a good point. I did not think about that.”
Jim pats his fat suit, “Just trying to look out for you.” He gathers his words and offers a small smile, “That’s what friends do.”
The expression seems to be drained from Michael’s face and suddenly a genuine smile is spreading across his face. “They do do that, don’t they?”
“Let’s get you back to New York,” Jim says hopping off the stack of paper.
“Yeah,” Michael agrees. He starts to climb down but then abruptly stops. “Um? Can you help me down?” He asks waddling to no avail.
Jim carefully hoists Michael off the bench with a soft thud. “Thank you, Jim,” Michael says wrapping his arms around Jim. It’s awkward though because his padded arms barely touch behind Jim’s back. Jim reaches around Michael’s back as far as he can and pats him comfortingly.
“Wow, imagine all the tender moments that are lost for the obese,” Jim says dryly.
Michael is crying however, “I know,” he whimpers. “And that’s why I wanted to raise awareness. You know? Because of the love.”
Upstairs Pam answers the ringing phone. “Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam,” she recognizes the sound of the voice on the line and has to hold back her groan. “I’m sorry he’s not available right now, may I take a message.” She rolls her eyes as she jots down a note. “Alright Lisa, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets back.” Pam hangs up the phone and rereads the message.
To: Jim Halpert
From: Lisa Krandberg
Hey, just got in and found the key to your apartment fine. Left my stuff and will meet you for lunch around 1. Love you. Lise.
Pam considers throwing the note away but the cameras are watching her. Instead she smiles tightly and places it on top of Jim’s pile.
Down in the warehouse, Michael has changed out of his fat suit and packs it into his suitcase. “Alright my Home Fried Chili Doggs,” Michael says throwing a wink at Daryl who ducks away his amused grin. “I will be checking in with all you later.”
Jim keeps his distance avoiding eye contact with Roy at all costs, but as he begins to slip back up the stairs he is cut short. “Hey Halpert.”
Jim turns slowly and smiles awkwardly at Roy. “Hey, how’s it going,” he says simply.
“Could I talk to you for a second?”
He knows it’s inevitable. He know that at some point in his life he’d have to face the ever uncomfortable conversation of , “You told my fiancée that you loved her, kissed the living daylights out of her, and then left me to be the bad guy for not wanting to let her go. The deposit was $500, the invitations $125, I’ll be expecting a check in the mail, jack ass.”
Jim swallows thickly, “Yeah man, what about?”
Roy laughs, “I think you have a rough idea.”
“Wouldn’t be surprised if you told me,” he agrees. Jim shakes off his false bravado and clears his throat. “Look I’m sorry.”
“No,” Roy silences him. “You don’t get to feel bad for what you put us through. We were getting married, we had our life set, and you had to ruin it by making her fall in love with you.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeats dropping his gaze with a wistful half smile. “But could you really blame me?”
Upstairs, Meredith sleeps at her desk.
Pam tries to keep her gaze on her monitor, but can’t help but notice Dwight is staring at her from across the room. She tries to ignore it, but suddenly she’s calling across the room, “What Dwight?”
“You have a very round face,” he says simply. “Could even be a perfect circle.”
Pam stares at him for a long moment before shaking her head. Jim’s at her desk then and she looks up at him curiously. “Where have you been all day?”
Jim laughs, “Michael.”
She shares his pain and hands him his messages and faxes. “He had a fat suit in that suitcase by the way,” Jim says over his shoulder as he heads to his office.
“Didn’t need to know,” Pam says shaking her head.
“Was wearing it too.”
She’s laughing now. “Where did he go?”
Jim turns slowly, “The warehouse,” he says.
Pam’s face falls.
Before there’s time to react however, there’s a woman in the lobby and she’s throwing her arms open shouting “Hey!” She’s beautiful, her hair the color of chestnuts that’s silky and wavy around her face. She’s nearly the same height as Jim even in her sneakers.
“Lisa’s coming today,” Jim says to the camera.
Jim’s face lights up and he takes her in his arms, lifting her off her feet with a grunt before setting her back down. “It’s Lisa!” He announces. “Everybody, it’s Lisa!”
“And it’d everybody!” She matches his enthusiasm.
“How’d you get up here?” He asks, holding her hand then gripping her waist then holding her hand again.
“Without one of your authentic security passes?” She teases. “Let’s just say the security guard has been properly coerced.”
“Not what I’d like to hear,” he says his eyes widening as he nods his head.
“Well telling you I slipped him five dollars isn’t nearly as interesting, now is it?”
“Actually, it’s interesting how cheap our security guard is,” he jokes.
Lisa leans in intimately, “When do I meet Dwight?” She asks.
A conspiring grin curves his lips and he takes her hand to drag her towards Dwight’s desk, whispering something in her ear before they split taking both sides of his desk. Both lean their elbows against his desk and look up at him innocently.
Dwight looks at her carefully, “Who is this?” He asks looking at Jim, “Who is she?”
“That’s my girlfriend, Dwight,” he explains. “And unlike yours, she’s not invisible.”
Angela glares at Jim.
“She’s not hairy,” Dwight says inspecting her. “She’s hot.”
Lisa looks at Jim curiously and Jim shakes his head tightly. “You want to get out of here?”
She purses her lips, “Don’t have any friends here besides Dwight?”
“Nope,” he shrugs his shoulders, “I’m terribly unpopular.”
“Sounds like the perfect boss,” she smiles. “I never liked you either.”
He rolls his eyes, “Let’s go,” he says dragging her towards the elevator. But at reception his stops. “Oh, right, I do have one friend,” he says throwing Pam a wink. “Pam Beesley, my partner in crime.”
Lisa extends her hand, “I think we speak on the phone more than you and I do,” she says. “Nice to put a face to a voice, huh?”
“Quite,” Pam says shyly.
“We’re going to get some lunch, so hold my calls while I’m gone,” he instructs. “That sounded official right?”
“Sure Mister Halpert,” Pam says rolling her eyes. She frowns as she watches them stand in the lobby waiting for the elevator. And it feels like somebody punches her in the chest when Jim leans over to kiss her.
Kelly’s at reception now watching the scene and when Pam looks up to address her, Kelly shakes her head and says, “What a great girl, for Jim.”
Pam furrows her brows and then nods her head, “She seemed nice.”
Kelly laughs, “Oh my God you must hate her so much!”
Pam narrows her eyes and picks up a pile of faxes, walking away incredulously.
Kelly smiles at the camera.
Angela is listing some complaints to Toby with arms folded across her chest. Her final one is, “Jim is mean to Dwight.”
Toby crosses the last complaint out. “You can’t complain on someone else’s behalf,” he explains.
The color drains form Angela’s already pale complexion, “Oh.”
Jim’s car pulls into the parking lot, and Lisa gets out abruptly. He gives her a helpless look and she heads back to her own vehicle. He bends over the driver’s window and kisses her forehead before watching her as she rolls up the window and drives away.
At reception, Pam searches through games on the Mini Clip website. Jim moves her chair over and crouches down in front of her computer. “I have to show you something,” he says taking control of the mouse.
“Where’s Lisa?” She asks.
“She had to go back to Connecticut,” he explains.
“She drove over three hours for a lunch date?” She says skeptically.
“Yeah, weird, huh?” Jim says shaking his head with a shrug.
“Lisa and I didn’t work out,” Jim explains to the camera. “She wasn’t going to leave her job in Connecticut, and I certainly wasn’t going to leave my job here. It was just too much of a struggle playing phone tag, and we deserved better than that.”
Jim goes to a penguin website and logs Pam in as ‘pbeesley’ and shows her around an igloo town. “So instead of buzzing me, you say, ‘Michael’s on the line’,” he explains as the message shows up in a quote bubble above the penguin.
“That’s ridiculous,” Pam teases.
“Don’t you dare say that penguin communication is ridiculous, because it is cutting edge technology,” he replies incredulously.
“Did you break up with Lisa because of Pam?” The cameraman asks.
Jim stares at him for a long moment before shaking his head, “I’m not going to answer that.”
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali