Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been about, uh….a year and a half since my last confession.
[That sounds about right]
Um…….I don’t really know where to start. Father, are you there?
[Just talk to me, my son. Father Nowicki is old and tired and I think you’ll get more out of it if we chat. He’s lived a life full of kindness and service, but he knows the end is almost here and he's sort of checked out. I can’t fault him. What’s on your mind?]
I’ve done a lot of bad stuff lately…really bad stuff.
[Would you like to elaborate?]
I mean I’ve gotten drunk, smashed up a bar, threatened to kill someone, tried to kill someone and um….oh yeah, before all of that I engaged in lustful thoughts and premarital sex.
[That’s quite a list, there Roy. But you know, right, that I already know all of that? Let’s get to the root of all of this. Let’s get to the reason that you came in here today when you haven’t bothered to confess anything for almost two years. And we both know you’ve done quite a bit you could confess…let me just say…Atlantic City.]
It’s just that….it all comes down to the fact that I….God….
[It’s okay….out with it]
It’s Pam….I just didn’t love her right or enough or whatever and now it’s too late and I love her more than ever and it’s too late.
[It’s not a sin to not love someone enough.]
I took advantage of her. I took her for granted and I lost her to someone who would never do those things. She just wanted me to notice her and to love her for who she was and what she was capable of and I…..I just fucked it up.
[I know it hurts right now….believe me….but it will get better. Everything happens for a reason, Roy. This experience has changed you…for the better, I’ll wager. It’s changed Pam too, hasn’t it?]
She’s so different these days. She’s stronger, more assertive, more sure of herself. She stood up to me for the first time in a long time. I like that about her, actually. It was easy to be cold to her or distant or go hang out with the guys because she didn’t nag…not really. I tried to tell myself it was because she was so cool she didn't mind.
[You’ve had a part in that transformation, you know. What you two have gone through together has taught her things about herself. It’s not that you were a bad person (a thoughtless one, yes) or that you were trying to hurt her because I know that’s not in you. You just weren’t meant to be and figuring that out…together….that’s what’s made her who she is now…and I’ts what made you who you are as well. I was proud of the way you acted when you were trying to win her back. You realized what you she needed and you tried to give that to her. You did your best, Roy.]
I tried…..I really did. Now I don’t have a job, I don’t have a fiancée. I’ve lost so much.
[You still have me, Roy. You’ve always had me. Remember back when you and your buddies smashed the church windows as a prank when you were in 8th grade? You all got caught and were assigned community service at the church. You were the only one to complete your hours and you stuck around to help even after you weren’t required to. I know being here gives you some peace. I know that hanging out with me makes you feel like maybe you aren’t just a big, stupid has-been quarterback with no options. It will be okay. You just have to trust me.]
I guess I’ll just have to trust in God. I’ve forgotten that. I think I’ve forgotten a lot. So, Father? What’s my penance?
[First of all, I want you to call Joe, your buddy from community college. He’s looking for a partner to open a body shop and I think it’s the perfect opportunity for you. Take your share of the wedding money and put it into the business. And who knows…maybe in a few months a cute brunette will come in to have some work done and you two will hit it off. Next, I want you to apologize to Jim. I know you planned on doing that anyway, but it’s important. Finally….stay friends with Pam. There’s a reason she didn’t go running off with Jim the second he told her that he loved her. She’s got history with you. You are a rock for her sometimes. She needs you in her life, even if it is just in the shadows. I also think that maybe you might want to talk to Father Nowicki about cleaning the gutters at the rectory. That should be more than enough penance.]
Thank you, Father. I’m gonna make some changes. I’m going to keep trying.[That’s what is important. Go in peace, my son. We can talk about Atlantic City some other day.]
