“Michael. Sit down. We need to talk. This um….won’t be easy, but if this realat—if this thing we have is going to work, I need to come clean about a few things with you. I haven’t been totally truthful. Dr. Perry says that I need to be completely honest.”
[That’s a good start, but maybe you should start by telling him about Dr. Perry]
“Let’s start with something easy. My favorite color is…. It isn’t black, it isn’t navy blue. I appreciate that you tried to find me roses in those colors, but well…that didn’t exactly work out, did it? So, I’ll make it easier for you. I like pink. I’m like that Julia Roberts character in that stupid movie where they eat the bloody armadillo cake. Blush, Bashful, Dusty Rose, Babies Bottom….all shades of pink.
[What about the shade your cheeks are now? Liking a feminine color doesn’t make you weak.]
[It might make him feel better if you told him about the time corporate assigned someone to audit your expense reports to avoid ANOTHER IRS investigation. There’s no shame in being financially challenged.]
“And Michael, I love how you always try to anticipate what I like, but when it comes to television, I like watching the Jets, Ice Dancing, Baywatch and Dr. Who. We really don’t need to cuddle up to Moneyline or all of that empowering BS on O and Lifetime. I also kind of resent the fact that you think I like Nancy Grace because you think we are ‘…so much alike’. I can’t stand her!”
“On a more serious note, my mom…she died of breast cancer when I was eleven. And I think it’s sweet that you always ask me when I’ve come out of the shower if I’ve ‘…checked everything over’ but you don’t have to worry. I’m fanatical about checking and Michael….it really isn’t anything sexy, okay?”
“I didn’t lose my virginity to an older, college professor. It was a roadie at a Motley Crue concert. Don’t laugh, Michael. Well, it is kind of funny. ”
[Yes it is.]
“Okay, Michael. This one is hard. My name isn’t really Janice like you think it is. It’s Jane. In school everyone called me Janie and well, when I went into business I didn’t think it was tough enough and I didn’t want anyone to weaken my name with a silly nickname. You can’t really make a nickname out of Jan, so I just let everyone believe my name was Janice.
[Remember how you thought names with two syllables were weaker. Men called Bob and Steve and Mike were tough and Robert, Stephen and Michael were soft? I bet you appreciate having a Michael in your life now….everyone needs a little softness, right?]
“So, I guess that’s it for now. I’m glad I came clean with you Michael. Can you stop it with the Me Tarzan, you Jane thing? Michael…..oh for God’s sake…..”
[I guess this was a breakthrough, Jan. Soon, you’ll be able to tell him that there is no Dr. Perry. You can tell him how you drive into the Pocono’s twice a month and participate in the cloister program at St. Anne’s. I think he’d understand how you like to just be quiet for a weekend and write and garden and take walks and well…..talk to me. Trust me, I’m better than a shrink, just not as hip. I can wait.]
“No Michael, I do NOT want a chimpanzee!”
