My good friend Angela likes to point out to me (often!) how all of the people (except for one) she works with are grievous sinners who deserve to be damned to hell for all of eternity. Now, because I know Angela, I know that she doesn’t always mean that. In a way, though, she does have a point. If we were to go by any of the many rule-books that have been written in my name, there’s a lot of "wrong-doing" going on down in Scranton. I’m not sure, however, that it’s the kind that should lead to everlasting damnation. Let’s just use one of the most familiar sets of rules…the Ten Commandments and I think you’ll see what I mean....techically, they all are sinners.
Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me
This one is tricky because I know that not all of you reading this open letter believe fully in me…or you believe in some version of me that others of you totally think is wrong. Rather than opening up that whole debate, I’d like to put forth my favorite rule instead. It’s sometimes called The Golden Rule and I like it because if you are following it, you are pretty much showing that you get me and everything that I stand for. It says merely that you should treat people the way you’d like to be treated.
"Sorry I almost got you killed."
"Yeah. That was nuts."
" He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It’s just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?"
"No, I mean you guys really seem to have a strong connection."
"Not anymore. It’s um, it’s completely over now."
"We’ll see. I’m sure you guys’ll find your way back to one another someday."
"Jim … I am really sorry."
"Oh yeah, don’t worry about it."
Here’s the funny thing about this. Jim’s treating Pam in a horribly insensitive way and on the surface, you’d think he wasn’t following the Golden Rule. He is, though. He’s treating Pam the way he wants to be treated. He’s hurt. He’s mad at himself. He’s punishing her for being with Roy and he’s pushing her away even more. And the sad thing is, is that he wishes more than anything she’d do the same to him. You don’t see that? I think by the end of this installment of my open-letter series, you will.
You Shall Not Take the Name of the Lord, Your God in Vain
"God-dammit, Jim. We’ve been talking like this for four nights and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten through to you at all. All I’m asking for is a little openness. Just come clean with me. If there is something or someone else you want, then….then just let me go.""Karen, it isn’t like that. I want to be with you. I want this to work. You have to believe me."
"Oh, I can believe that you want it to work. What I really want to know is WHY do you want it to work?"
"What do you mean? I…I…"
"Christ, Jim….it’s not a hard question. Why do you want it to work out with me? The answer I’d like to hear is that you care about me and are invested in this relationship. What I suspect is the case, though, is that you want it to work in order to help you get over her…..because I think, regardless of what you’ve told me, is that she hurt you bad and that you are still hurting."
"Karen, listen. I meant it when I told you that I was over Pam…that it wasn’t even that big of a deal to begin with. I swear….I swear to God that I want to make this work because I care about you and that I’m invested in our relationship."
"Okay..then we can work this out."
If this were a game show, this would be where you’d hear the big "loser" bassoon of doom sound. We all know that Jim is lying to Karen. I know that he’s swearing on my name to convince her to stick this out with him. We all know that Pam meant everything to him and that he’s using Karen to get over her. You don’t need my super-duper God powers for that not to be obvious. Jim, though, is so desperate to stop hurting that he’s willing to do anything. I could punish him for his false oath, but you know what? I think he’s doing a pretty good job of punishing himself. Karen, on the other hand, could stand to clean up her language just a little.
Remember the Sabbath Day to Keep it Holy
"Dwight, I wish just once you’d come in with me. I don’t know what good it does to have you sit out here in the car. It would really mean a lot to me if you would."
"Angela, you know how I feel about that. And besides, my background check of "Pastor Dale", if that is really his name, isn’t complete yet. I will not go in that building until I know what I’m dealing with."
"It’s just that…..Dwight, I worry about you sometimes."
"That’s very sweet, Angela, but you needn’t. I’m a purple belt and a very fast runner. I can take care of myself."
"That’s not what I mean and you know it. I worry about your soul, Dwight and you can’t outrun the demons of hell or karate-chop Lucifer."
"Wait. Are you saying that you want to spend eternity with me?"
"Stop grinning, Dwight. I’m serious. And if you must know, I find the thought of strolling through the streets of paradise with you very appealing. Just think about coming in, okay? I have to go, it’s my turn to pass out the bulletins and I’m going to be late."
"I’ll be here when you get out."
Technically, Dwight has gone foul of the rules here by refusing to come in, but what Angela doesn’t know, is that every Sunday, before Dwight puts on his headphones and listens to his Battlestar Gallactica podcasts, he spends about 10 minutes thanking me for bringing Angela into his life. So, I think I can grant him a pass on this one, don’t you?
Honor Your Mother and Your Father
"Ryan, we have to talk."
"Kelly, all we do is talk. Why don’t you just scoot over here and not talk for a while."
"Ryan, I’m serious and you are a pervert….but a cute pervert. Anyway, I want to talk to you about my mom and my dad."
"Do we have to? It’s been a long day and I’m pretty tired."
"It’s just that my parents told me I have to break up with you or they are going to stop giving me my monthly allowance."
"Your parents give you money? Kelly, you have a job."
"I know, but they like to give me money for clothes and stuff. Do you think I could really afford to dress like I do on a Dunder-Mifflin salary? Anyway…I know this is probably good news for you because I know you aren’t as into me as I’m into you and I know you wouldn’t want to be with me if I dressed like Pam or Meredith so you can dump me now and it will be okay with me."
"Whoa….just slow down. Let me get this straight. If you don’t dump me, your parents will stop giving you money. You are afraid that if you stay with me I’ll end up dumping you anyway because you’ll dress all frumpy?"
"Yeah. We are a pair of tragic star-crossed lovers….like Claire Danes and Leo DiCaprio."
"Kelly, I’m not with you because of the way you dress."
"You aren’t?"
"No."
"Ryan, you are so awesome. You are amazing. You are…..my hero! Listen, I think I can make due by going to some quality consignment shops…it’s a little gross wearing things people have already worn, but I’ll make the sacrifice for you. To heck with my parents…..I’m going to stay with the most amazing man on the planet and one day some cool playwright like Shakespeare will write about the sacrifices we’ve made for each other. We’ll be epic!"
"I’m sure we will, Kelly. Now can you scoot over here?"
Kelly is in the wrong here, but technically it doesn’t count. The whole thing about her clothing allowance cut off was a test to see if Ryan really cared about her. So, while she was lying…see #8 below, she wasn’t dishonoring her parents’ wishes. Sometimes, I give myself a headache trying to keep up with all of this.
You Shall Not Murder
"I’m going to kill Jim Halpert. I know Darryl, that you told me this would blow over when I sobered up, but I swear, I’m going to kill that sneaky little asshole."
"Roy, calm down….okay? You just need to chill. Especially here at work."
"He hit on her, Darryl. He hit on her and broke up our wedding and….he’s got to pay. I’m going to make him pay."
"Man, just go outside for a little bit, okay? Go walk this off in the parking lot. It’s almost the end of the shift and then it will be the weekend and you’ll have time to calm down. I’ll cover for you. As your foreman, I’m ordering you to go walk this off…..now."
This is a tough one and I’ll tell you why. I have a very soft spot for Roy. He’s not THE bad guy in all of this. He’s just a regular guy trying to make sense of his life and his choices and the choices of those around him. He’s got a huge heart, even if he doesn’t always show it. He cuts the grass for his elderly neighbor and he plays ball sometimes with little Kenny on his block. Kenny’s dad died last year and Roy has been just amazing with him. Trying to kill someone, though? Roy and I are really going to have to work this one out and knowing Roy….he’ll approach me before I have to approach him.
You Shall Not Commit Adultery
I’m taking a pass on this one because there are so many interpretations out there of what this one means. Does it mean cheating on a spouse? Having sex before getting married? Getting remarried after your husband has died? Man, you people can interpret the heck out of things, can’t you? All I want is for you to be good and loyal to those you love (or have said you loved). Besides, my vast experience has shown me that in the act of being disloyal to someone you are in a relationship with, you tend to break 3 or 4 of the other commandments anyway (lying, stealing, coveting, etc.) I mean, take Jim and his relationship with Karen. They aren’t married, so traditionalists would have a problem with the fact that they um….KNOW each other on a pretty regular basis. Jim has lied to Karen about their relationship, he lusts after Pam in his heart…heck, he even told that camera crew he’d dump Karen if Pam was interested in pursuing things with him. So, on this one….our boy, Jim is just fucked. Pardon my language, but man….he’s got to straighten this entire mess out, doesn’t he? I can help, of course. I can always help.
You Shall Not Steal
"I think we broke his brain!"
"Yeah, we did. Thanks for helping me get him back."
"Anytime, Jim….anytime. I mean that, you know?"
"I know….I mean maybe I forgot for a little while, but…..this was fun."
"I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this a lot."
"Me too. Hey, do you think we were wrong for stealing his phone?"
"Probably…but we did do the office a favor."
"We did?"
"Yeah….if we didn’t push him today, we never would have known about that major anger problem he has. He could have taken it out on one of us or a customer. By exposing him, we’ve helped people, today, Jim."
"Yeah, I guess you are right. Now, what do you think we can do to Dwight now that he’s back?"
"I’m glad you asked, Mr. Assistant Regional Manager, because I’ve got a lot of ideas."
You’ve got to love Pam’s reasoning, don’t you? Stealing, though, is still stealing no matter the reason behind it. Both Jim and Pam will have to pay for this little transgression. Wait, Dwight’s back, so I guess we’re even.
You Shall Not Bear False Witness
"Jan, I want you to fire Toby."
"Michael, what?"
"Toby is a horrible person and I have reason to believe that he is a murderer!"
"Michael, what are you talking about?"
"Have you ever smelled him, Jan? If you were here right now, we could go smell him together. Maybe you should drive down."
"Michael, I’m not driving to Scranton to smell Toby. He is not a murderer."
"But he smells like death, Jan…death. I think he has a body in his basement."
"Michael…"
"I could send Dwight over to dig around in his cellar…."
"Michael. I’m hanging up now." CLICK
Ah….Michael and Toby. One day, Toby will have his vengeance and it will be a beautiful thing. You do know the story behind Michael’s animosity, don’t you? Remind me one day to tell you.
You Shall Not Covet Your Neighbor’s Wife
"God, I need help. I know that the men’s room at the VFW hall isn’t the best place to ask for guidance, but…I need help now. I thought I was over her, really over her and moving on and evolving and everything, but tonight just blew that out of the water. She looked amazing, God. Just beautiful and I thought for a second that maybe…just maybe…. That doesn’t matter, though, does it? What matters is that she left with him. She went back to him after everything he did to her…after the way he treated her. I’m just so damn pissed. I’m pissed at her, God. How could she? I mean I know that it’s unfair for me to think she’d end her days pining for me, but fucking ROY, God? Roy? So I’m pissed at myself for being pissed at her and damn…this just….this just hurt. And do you know what the hardest part of all of this is? Seeing her walk out with him, made me realize that I’m really not over her at all. I wanted her more than ever. God, I’m an ass, aren’t I?
You Shall Not Covet Your Neighbor’s House…or Anything That is Your Neighbor’s.
"God, I need help. I know that I can talk to you anywhere, so you’ll have to excuse the fact that I’m hiding in the back of the coat closet while Roy waits to leave with me. I’m a horrible person, God. I’m so tired of not being able to have what I want. I’m so freaking jealous of Karen and I’m tired of wanting what she has. She has him…and she has everything about him. She has lazy Sunday afternoons on his couch and buckets of fast-food chicken. She has time spent unloading the dishwasher and sharing the sink with him in the morning. I want that God, and I don’t have it. I want it so badly. And now, here I am going off with Roy because he can give me some of that. It isn’t exactly what I want…but it’s close, isn’t it? I just want to stop wanting what I know I’ll never have. Please, just help me.
Both of these two could stop all of their coveting and lying and sinning with a simple admission of truth to each other. That would be the easy way, wouldn’t it?
I’ve found, though, that the life (and love) that’s worth anything at all is full of the lessons that you gain by sinning and by being forgiven.
