Chapter Five

Today was the day. Despite his best intentions Jim barely got a few hours sleep. All night whenever he would start to drift offall he would think was…it’s almost Monday…Monday… Monday.

Anxious beyond belief, he decided it was better not to vary from his normal routine. Shower, breakfast, dragging his feet before taking the ten-minute drive to the office.

Jim picks up his mug and drains the last of his coffee. If ever there was a day that he’d need a bit of extra energy this was it. Taking a deep breath, he grabs his bag and makes his way to the front door. He opens it and stops in his tracks.

“Pam.”

She is standing there, looking like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world for her to be at his doorstep at eight-fifteen in the morning.

“Hi.” She says, smiling nervously up at him.

Jim’s mind is spinning. What does this mean? Smiles are good. Jim can’t help but think. She wouldn’t be here so early with bad news would she?

“I wanted to catch you before you left for work.” She says then.

“You’ve succeeded.” Jim replies and lets his bag drop to the floor and steps outside. He looks at her carefully, noticing the shadows under her eyes. “Are you OK?” He asks concern filling his voice.

“I’m fine.” She nods, but her voice is uncertain. “I drove straight here from my parent’s.”

“Are you sure? You look really tired.” Jim whispers and takes a step closer to her.

She tries to hold back her smile. Leave it to Jim to notice how she looked when she knows he must be so incredibly anxious about what she has to say.

“I am a little. I didn’t get much sleep this weekend.” She shrugs at him.

“Me neither.” He says with a sigh.

They stare at each other, both of them uncertain of just how to start. To Jim’s relief Pam starts speaking first.

He can tell she’s incredibly nervous as she begins. “I wanted to catch you before you got to work. Otherwise it’d be completely…awkward. We’d spend the whole day having to try and find a safe place to talk.”

He could just imagine it now. She looks so serious so he simply says, “OK.”

She shakes her head and wrings her hands as she stands before him. “I can’t believe this is even happening. It all seems so surreal.”

“I know.” Jim nods.

Pam tries to keep her voice steady as she begins. This is the third time she’s said it out loud, and it gets easier every time.

“I wanted to let you know. I’m calling off the wedding. Roy and I? It’s not going to happen.”

Jim’s heart starts to beat frantically as he stands before her, his hands itching to touch her, his arms dying to hold her close. Still he keeps them at his sides as he says. “That’s…great.”

Pam’s not finished. She still has more to get out. “I did a lot of thinking while I was home and I finally decided that it’s just not fair. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I want more. I almost forgot I did but you made me remember. So thank you for that.”

Jim is desperately trying to take his cues from Pam but she’s not giving him much to work with. At this declaration, in his mind they should be entwined in a passionate embrace right about now but it’s not at all the case. Pam’s still a full two feet away, gazing up at him with watery eyes.

She turns away looks out over the yard. “Ten years is a long time.”

“Yeah it is.” Jim nods. Where is she going with this?

“I will probably always love him. At least…a little bit.” She adds, her voice shaking.

He wants to go over to her and pull her in his arms but he still can’t figure out exactly what’s going on here. So he simply says, “Understandable.”

She turns around and stares into Jim’s eyes, her words challenging him. “I know you don’t like him.”

Jim shrugs his shoulders and shoves his hands in his pockets to keep from touching her. “It’s not that I don’t like him Pam it’s that I don’t like what he does to you.”

“This can’t be about you.” She says then.

Unable to take the uncertainty any longer he stares at her and says, “Pam. What are you trying to say?”

It surprises her that the next words are the hardest to get out. But then she remembers how she’d made her decision. If she was meant to marry Roy there should be no question in her mind. Jim saying he was in love with her would have been a sweet moment that she’d remember fondly on their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. But his words had filled her mind with nothing but questions and possibilities.

Jim’s is trying to read the look on her face. He is not at all prepared for what she says in response to his question.

“You should take that job in Stamford.”

He’s not sure he’s heard her correctly. “W-what?”

“You should go. It’s a great opportunity for you.” She continues.

He gives her a look and decides to take a chance. “If you don’t mind I’d rather take the one that’s in front of me right now.”

She stares up at him with tears in her eyes. “I can’t…”

There are those words again. If he could strike them from the English language he’d do it. He gets it now. She’s not choosing Roy and she’s not choosing him. In a way this scenario is even more painful. He stares at his feet and starts to will her to leave in his mind. He’s had about enough heartache for a Monday morning.

Pam begins to tremble as she continues. “Roy’s very proud. When I tell him the wedding is off he’s not going to take it well, even if it seems he’s had little interest in it. It’ll be more about what people think of him than actually losing me.”

Saying the words reconfirm that she’s made the right decision, but she can see Jim still doesn’t understand. “If he thinks that my feelings for you have anything to do with it it’ll be a complete disaster. There is no doubt in my mind that he’ll go after you and honestly Jim, I’m just trying to protect you.”

Did he hear her right? Did she just say she had feelings for him? He means to ask her that but instead his eyes finally meet hers as he says, “Protect me from what?”

He’s amazed to find laughter in them as Pam replies. “Face it Halpert. Roy could totally kick your ass.”

He grins back at her. “I beg to differ.”

“Beg all you want, I don’t see you with a purple belt.” She shoots back at him.

Pam smiles widely as she gazes up into Jim’s eyes. They can do this. For a second it’s like everything is back to normal, is all she can think and she nearly sighs with relief over that fact.

Her eyes fill with sorrow as the moment passes. She isn’t done and this isn’t going to be easy at all. She is terrified of what’s going to happen next.

She takes a deep breath as she starts, “I need it to not be about you. I need you to go – so that I can give him at least that much. He’d be perfectly happy living here, working here for the rest of our lives. It’s not his fault that I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s not his fault that somehow I outgrew him and didn’t notice until now.”

“OK.”

Pam doesn’t hear him and keeps trying to sell the concept. “More than that, this is a good thing for you. Stamford is so close to New York, Jim. There’s so much to do there. And I know you don’t want to sell paper forever so just imagine all the opportunities you’d have…”

He takes a step forward and places a hand gently on her arm. “It’s OK, Pam. I’ll go.”

She blinks the tears from her eyes as she finally hears him. “You’ll go.”

“If that’s what you want.” He nods.

Pam presses a hand to her heart. Why is it breaking when he’s doing what she asked? “You’re not going to argue with me?”

“There’s nothing to argue about.” He shrugs. He wishes he could put up more of a fight but it’s not worth it. He knows that he’ll do whatever she asks if he thinks it would make her happy.

“You’re right. It is a good opportunity and if it makes it easier for you to have me out of the picture then I’ll go.” He gives her a look that holds a challenge. “On one condition.”

She opens her mouth but she can’t form a sentence. Luckily, Jim is able to find his voice.

“Call Jan. Take that internship.”

“Jim…” She sighs.

“You have too much talent to let it go to waste like that.” He stares at her accusingly. “It’s practically criminal.”

“Jim…”

The look he gives her makes her tingle from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. “Besides I won’t be able to leave you here if I know you’re stuck in that office alone. It’s like throwing you to the wolves.”

“Hey. I can hold my own.” She says with mock disgust.

She was right, of course. She’d been his perfect partner in crime. It was one of the million things he loved about her. His voice warms as he takes another step forward. “You certainly can.”

Pam stares at her hands, her thumb running over her ring finger, which is now bare. “I emailed Jan yesterday.” She says quietly. “She’s such a workaholic she’s already emailed me back. She’s going to call me today to talk about it.”

“You did? Pam. That’s fantastic.” He says, smiling brightly.

Pam can’t understand why he’s not angrier with her. “Why are you so happy? I just told you I wanted you to leave town.”

“Yes. But you’ve also told me you’re not getting married and you’re going to do something with that amazing gift you have.” He smiles wider. “Not a bad day if you ask me.”

Pam can’t believe what he’s saying. It’s like every second she’s more convinced she’s made the right decision. As his words fill her mind her feet have a will of their own. She suddenly closes the distance between them. Once again, she doesn’t stop to think as she rises on her toes and kisses him full on the mouth. He smiles against her lips and drags her closer, his arms holding her so gently it’s like he’s afraid she might break. He deepens the kiss and she sighs as her hands travel up his chest, finally framing his face as her fingers tangle in his hair.

The only thought that fills his mind at the moment is, this is more like it.

Jim could stay right here forever, but he can feel her beginning to hesitate. Quick to not lose the moment, he laughs as he pulls away. “Who would have known? You’re just plain evil, Beesly. You’re going to make me sit across from you all day remembering that?”

“What?” She says innocently.

He smirks at her in reply.

She looks at him thoughtfully and then stares at her feet as she asks. “When did this happen? I keep trying to remember…”

Jim shrugs and gives a small chuckle. “I believe you interviewed for a job and the rest is history." He sighs as he adds, "Plus, I've always been a sucker for girls who wear cardigans.”

She laughs and shakes her head at him as she gazes into his eyes again. “I’m serious. When did you stop being Jim and become, Jim?”

He knows what she means, but can’t help her with the answer. He can hardly remember a day when he wasn’t in love with her.

Her voice is shaking a bit as she goes on. “We can have both right? We’re not going to stop being friends just because…”

He pulls her close again, steadier when he’s holding her in his arms. “Sure. I think we can handle it. We just have to add a few clauses to our friendship agreement.”

She rests her head on his chest as she asks, “Such as?”

“One that stipulates that now I get to see you naked.” He replies with a smile.

She pulls back and stares at him as if she’s completely offended. “When are you leaving for Stamford again?”

“Too soon.” He says softly, knowing it’s going to be torture to be away from her for any length of time. But deep down he knows it’s for the best. She’ll need time to finish things with Roy, to decide what she really wants to do. And when she’s in New York for her internship, he’ll take the train into meet her. Instead of simply running away from what he was too scared to face, leaving Scranton will be the best thing he’s ever done.