Disclaimers:

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

If you are my husband, stop reading unless you want to know just how warped my mind is. I'd turn back if I were you. You've been warned.

This is meant to be over-the-top. Please don't tell me that "Kelly wouldn't act that way"; I agree it's most unlikely. Please don't tell me "if Kelly did act that way, the guys wouldn't react that way"; I agree it's most unlikely. And men, please don't ask where you can find a woman like this to invite to your poker party; I think you'll agree it's most unlikely.

This little story made its way into my mind, and I had no choice but to let it out. Also, Maybe Once gave me my Skeevy Little Perv Crown after reading it, so...there's that.

Whoops. Many thanks to uncgirl, muggins, and Maybe Once, all of whom saw one or both chapters and beta'd. And if you think this is bad, it's good you didn't see it before uncgirl took her yellow "less is more, Kev" highlighter to it. Yikes.

How Jim's Poker Party Got out of Hand: Kelly

"Trust Kelly to be the last one here," Jim thought. She probably felt the need to re-do her hair, outfit, and make-up from the ground up. This was just a casual poker night for the Valentine-free, but Kelly would probably prepare for it like it was a big date. There was an upside to Kelly's "fashionable lateness;" it had given Jim time to bring his friends up to speed on "all that is Kelly." It was probably better if they were forewarned.

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When the doorbell rang, Jim jumped up from the poker table to get the door. His friends stood up, awaiting their first glimpse. Kelly was a blur of hot pink as she entered, and her perfume (a bit flowery, a bit spicy) filled the air.

"Jim, oh my God, I can't believe how close you live to me! I had no idea; we could totally drive in together on the snowy days! And these are your poker buddies?" Kelly looked around with wide eyes. She smiled and clapped her hands together.

"Oh, you are all so cute! I mean, of course you would be, because Jim's cute, and he would have cute friends. It's just like how all the pretty girls only hang out with other pretty girls. Well, except girls like Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, because Hello! they were totally hot for the same guy, but anyway, you know what I mean!"

Jim's friends looked at each other in amused disbelief as she spoke. Jim had tried to tell them, but perhaps there was no way to truly be prepared for Kelly Kapoor. Kelly noticed their looks and turned a bit red.

"Now I'm so embarrassed, you must think I'm such a ditz! I mean, it's not like I've never seen four cute guys in one room before, because I have, I totally have. I mean, not in a slutty way, you know, I swear, but just like this!" Kelly looked at Jim and his three friends, entreating them to understand what she was saying.

Jim had been rocking back and forth a bit, his hands in his pockets, throughout Kelly's extended "grand entrance." He sensed an opening, cleared his throat, and went for it.

"So, Kelly, let me introduce you to all my really cute friends, because I kind of hand-picked them, you know, just for you."

"Okay, I'm ready!" Kelly had a big smile on her face. She clapped her hands together again, as if she had three shiny presents to open.

Jim indicated the big burly guy nearest to Kelly. "So, this is Steve. Steve's in charge of a lot of vending machines, including those at the illustrious Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin, so you may have seen him around."

Steve nodded, and moved as if to shake hands, but Kelly caught him up in an exuberant hug.

"Oh, I love our vending machines! Sometimes I forget to bring my lunch, or I don't have time to pack it in the morning if my hair is giving me trouble, so I totally make my whole lunch from things you put in the vending machines, I mean, some of those things are so good!"

Steve nodded and was about to speak, but Kelly forged on. "You might be my favorite person who does something at Dunder Mifflin. I mean, besides Jim. And Ryan. And...no, then it's totally you!"

"Hey, thanks! Um...just let me know if you need any changes, because I can get any food in there you want." Steve had never been anybody's 3rd favorite person because of his vending machine job before. He was sort of surprised Jim hadn't mentioned how cute Kelly was. She was certainly like no one Steve had ever met.

"Okay!" said Jim. "On to Jeff. Jeff's a firefighter. He actually came to Dunder Mifflin that time that Ryan started the fire."

Jeff had already figured out the drill; he went right in for a hug, saying, "Hey, Kelly! Jeff, Engine 254. It's great to meet you."

Kelly gave Jeff a big bear hug, and then pulled back. "Oh, my God, you were at our fire? That was so funny. I mean, I know fires aren't funny, but nobody was hurt, it was just a toaster oven fire! And we had so much fun in the parking lot! We played ‘Desert Island'..."

At this, Jim's friends looked at each other and then at Jim. Jim smiled and shrugged. Jim subjected everyone he knew to "Desert Island" at one time or another; he was famous (perhaps infamous) for it.

"...and ‘Who Would You Do?' and oh, my God, Jim, all the girls picked you. Well, except for Pam: she picked Toby and Oscar."

Kelly didn't see Jim's pained expression or the surprised and knowing glances sent among the guys. She went on, oblivious, "Can you believe that? I mean, Toby's kind of cute, but Oscar? But I totally picked you, Jim, I did! I mean, I'd do Ryan, too, though, but I didn't really know him very well then!" Kelly giggled.

Jim jumped in, "Okay, Kelly, that's a lot of information there. Maybe a bit too much, you know. Plus, there's one more cute guy here; let's not forget Dan. Dan and I went to Dunmore High together, so we go way back."

"Oh, right! Hi, Dan, I guess I got a little carried away!" she said to the guy standing next to Jim.

"No problem," said Dan, leaning in for the now obligatory hug. "And, um, I've never been anywhere near Dunder Mifflin, but I fix computers, and you probably...use one, right?"

Kelly looked slightly awed. She used her computer, but she couldn't fathom fixing one. Ever. "Totally! I use my computer every day! I don't even know how people did things before computers, you know? I mean, how did they get the littlest thing done or keep up on all the gossip? And you can fix them? That's so amazing!" she trilled.

"Thanks, Kelly! I probably couldn't do...What is it that you do?" asked Dan. "I mean, I know it's something for the paper company."

"I'm in Customer Service, so I answer the phones, try to help people out, you know. It's nice, because most of the people are nice, and I get to talk on the phone, like, all day! Sometimes Jim calls me from his sales calls, right, Jim?"

"Yep," Jim nods. "Hey, Kelly, what can I get you to drink?"

"Do you have anything pink and sweet? Because I'll have one of those. But just one, then I'm switching to soda. You know what a light-weight I am, Jim, and I don't want to get totally drunk and ruin my Valentine's Day!"

"I think I have some pink wine coolers, maybe a strawberry daiquiri or something. Is that good?" asked Jim, but Kelly was nodding before he even got to the flavor. "And guys, anybody need anything?"

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Jim came back from the kitchen with Kelly's pink drink plus another round of beer for the guys.

"Hey, Jim, Kelly was just saying she doesn't want to play poker, she's just going to bring us our drinks and hang out," said Dan. "Do you guys have some kind of deal, you know, cough twice if Dan has a good hand or something?"

Jim laughed and looked at Kelly. "God, Kelly, I told you to be subtle. Now they're on to us."

"Jim!" Kelly laughed, "No, really, it's like I'm the hostess tonight, just in your house. And I'm going to bring you drinks and watch you play poker, and since it's Valentine's Day, and none of us have real Valentines, I'm going to be a Valentine to all of you! None of you have Valentines, right? I mean I know Jim doesn't, and I thought for a little while Ryan was going to be mine, but, well, I guess he isn't." Kelly's face fell as she started thinking about Ryan. For a little while today she had thought she had a boyfriend.

Jim watched over the next few minutes as Kelly's face went from pathetic to glowing. Steve, Jeff and Dan trashed Ryan for not seeing what a great Valentine Kelly was. What kind of idiot was this Ryan guy anyway? Each of them assured Kelly that none of them had a Valentine and they would love it if she would be their Valentine this year. Steve said he'd bring her a Valentine's gift the next time he was at Dunder Mifflin. Dan said Kelly could be his Valentine any time, and if she wanted, he'd come visit her at work and make Ryan jealous. Jeff said she should definitely come visit him at the firehouse. Jim saw it was about to get ugly at that point, since nobody can really compete with "Hey, come to the firehouse and meet a bunch of big, strong guys who save lives every day."

He spoke up, "Okay, let's get back to poker, then! I think we've all agreed that we," he waved a hand to indicate the whole group "are no longer Valentine-challenged, because we guys all have Kelly, and Kelly has us, right?" He got nods and affirmatives all around. "And Kelly, if anybody looks like they need a shoulder rub, that's your job."

Kelly laughed, "Oh my God, Jim! What if I need a shoulder rub?"

"Just let us know, Kel, whatever you need. I think the four of us combined can manage to be a pretty good Valentine."

"We'll do our best, anyway," said Jeff.

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Jim had never had such a great time playing poker, or such a great Valentine's Day without a girlfriend. Kelly was everywhere, flirting, laughing, giving (and getting) shoulder rubs, getting beers, and making everyone really comfortable. Jim realized now what a good fit she was for Customer Relations. Sometimes she was kind of flighty, and she was certainly the wordiest person he'd ever met, but she really had a way of making people feel good.

After a while, it became obvious that Steve was going to be the big winner tonight. He was winning hand after hand; Dan suggested good-naturedly that maybe Kelly had made the (cough-cough) deal with Steve instead of Jim.

Kelly laughed and denied it, but then suddenly got a playful look on her face and said, "I'm not going to help anybody cheat or anything, but maybe I could distract Steve to give the rest of you a chance."

"Yes! I like it!" said Jim, with Jeff and Dan chiming in as well.

Steve laughed. "Yeah, right, Kelly. Short of doing a strip-tease here, which would distract the other guys, too, I don't know what you think you can do to distract me enough to lose to these guys. I mean, they're idiots!"

Kelly looked at Steve with a dare in her eyes. "So, basically, I totally have your permission to try to distract you enough to give the other guys a chance, right? Because, you know, right now, three of my Valentines are starting to get grumpy! What kind of Valentine would I be if I didn't try to change that?"

"Kelly, what are you planning?" said Steve. "No tickling and no pain of any sort, right?" He was pretty sure he could hold out against Kelly's distractions, but he had to make sure there was some sort of line.

"Steve, oh my God, you're my Valentine, too! I wouldn't do anything bad! Well, hurting kind of bad," Kelly said, with a wicked little grin.

Steve wondered what she could possibly mean by that, but he was sort of interested in finding out. "Okay, then, do your worst."

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Kelly's distraction was working wonders. Steve was making such ridiculous mistakes in playing and in betting, he had already lost a good portion of his prior winnings. The mistakes pretty much started when Kelly crawled under the table. Steve's eyes went wide and his breath caught. Shortly after that they heard a zipper being unzipped. Jim, Jeff and Dan were a little distracted, too, but they played as well as they could, trying to ignore the little noises Kelly was making under the table.

There was no hope for Steve, of course, because it was more than just noises to him. Steve learned a lesson about just how serious Kelly Kapoor was about making the majority of her Valentines happy.

And while Jim, Jeff, and Dan were a bit embarrassed to learn what Steve looked like (and sounded like) when he came, at least they had earned back most of their money.

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Jim was really ashamed of himself for hoping that Kelly would make her way around the table. It didn't work out that way, of course. They heard some final sounds from Kelly; soon after, she crawled out from under the table. She leaned over Steve, who hadn't recovered at all, and gave him a hug and a kiss.

"I had a lot of fun distracting you!" she whispered.

"Believe me," Steve managed to get out, "the pleasure was mine!"

Kelly giggled, and bent down and put her arms around Jim, her breasts just brushing his shoulder. "Jim, I think I left my purse up in your room. Can you come help me find it?"

Jim looked pointedly at Kelly's smart pink purse leaning against the wall nearby. She followed his eyes to the purse, then gave him a wink. Jim blushed furiously. "Sure, Kel, will do."

Kelly looked around the table with a smile. "You guys don't mind getting your own beers for a little bit, do you?"

Jeff and Dan shook their heads, but Kelly didn't really wait for an answer before grabbing Jim out of his seat, and dragging him toward the stairs. Jeff and Dan got up from the table and leaned into the hallway to watch their progress. Kelly whispered something to Jim and he picked her up, one leg to each side of him. The last Jeff and Dan saw of them, Jim was turning up the stairs, one hand supporting Kelly's weight, the other one up her shirt.

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Eventually, Steve came down off his high to a point that he could actually converse with the others. They talked about how Jim should spend some money soundproofing his bedroom. Since it was right over the living room, they heard a lot of "Jim!", "Oh, God!", "Right there!", and "Yes!" Even before they met Kelly this evening, Jim had told them she could get really loud when she was excited; they had audio confirmation of that now. They also drew pretzel sticks for the privilege of oiling the metal parts of Jim's bed one day very soon, certainly before Jim had a woman in it again. Jeff drew short pretzel.

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Jim came back in the living room looking pretty relaxed, and somehow both smug and embarrassed at the same time. He wondered what Jeff and Dan were going to think of the errand Kelly had given him.

"Hey guys! Did you give up entirely on poker?" he said.

"For the moment, anyway," said Steve. "We've just been talking. Great party, by the way, Jim! I've never been to one quite like it."

Jim laughed, "I've never given one quite like it; I think we have our self-appointed hostess to thank for its success."

"Will she be down soon?" asked Jeff.

Jim blushed. "Actually, she asked me to send you and Dan up."

"Me and Dan?" asked Jeff. "Really?"

"To your bedroom?" said Dan. He wasn't really sure what to think about this, although ‘There is a God, and he's a guy,' came to mind.

"Yep. And, you don't have to go, or anything, of course. But, she is your Valentine, so...it'd be kind of rude to just leave her up there. You know...waiting." Jim said with raised eyebrows and a crooked grin.

Jeff and Dan practically fell over each other heading for the stairs.

"Guys!" yelled Jim, loud enough that they actually turned back. He continued, "Condoms are in the desk drawer near the bed. Drive safe!"

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"So, Jim, she decided to replace you?" teased Steve.

Jim looked insulted for a moment, but he couldn't keep a straight face. "I guess. Although it does take two guys to take my place, so..." he smirked.

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Steve and Jim heard Kelly calling, "Hey, Jim, can you come up here for a minute?" They exchanged glances and Jim ran up. Through the ceiling Steve heard indistinct voices.

Jim came back down from the bedroom shaking his head. He managed to look both stunned and amused.

"What was that about?" asked Steve. "Do I even want to know?"

"Well, I asked through the door what Kelly wanted, and she said to come in. So I did."

"And?" Steve prompted.

"Right. Um, you know where my desk is, right? Just as you come in on the left, and then there's the bed?"

"The really squeaky bed? Yeah, I remember the layout."

Jim looked embarrassed. "You heard the squeaking?"

Steve snorted. "Cleveland heard the squeaking. So, what was happening with your desk?"

Jim smiled. "Okay, but you know this isn't the kind of thing I'd normally pass on to someone, or even ever...see, really. But I have to tell you, because...Wow. You will not even believe this."

"If you don't give me the whole story, and right now, I'll write love notes from you to a certain someone, and tape them inside the vending machine," Steve threatened.

Jim stopped smiling. "Not really funny, Steve."

"Dearest Dwight, I've been admiring you from afar..."

"Okay, now that's kinda funny," admitted Jim.

"Desk. You were saying."

Jim went on. "So, I opened the door, and stepped into the room and...that's when I saw Kelly on the desk. They must have shoved stuff off the desk because she's little and all, but there wasn't that much room there before. Anyway, Jeff was at the end of the desk, um, well, he is a firefighter, so I guess we can go with ‘pumping'?"

"Holy crap!" Steve grinned at the image. "So where was Dan?"

"Dan was standing at the front side of the desk; they had pulled away the chair."

Steve thought for a moment. "Like, Dan was...near Kelly's mouth?"

Jim smiled and cocked his head. "Near...in..." He shrugged.

"While Jeff..."

"Oh, yeah."

"Wow." Steve sat shaking his head, trying not only to picture it, but to lock it in his mind for future reference. He had a thought. "So, I guess that explains the muffled noises."

Jim burst out laughing, "What?"

"You know, we're not hearing things like ‘Oh, my God!' and ‘Yes, yes, there!' from Kelly."

"You heard that, too?" Jim shook his head.

"I'm telling you, Jim, Cleveland. Maybe Tulsa. She sounded like a very happy girl when you were up there, I gotta say. But why did she tell you to come in?"

"She asked me if it was okay to use my desk. And I said it was fine."

"But they were already using your desk."

"Yeah."

"So, she basically just wanted for you to see her."

"Yeah."

"With Jeff and Dan. Holy fucking Mother of God."

"God, Steve, language!" Jim laughed. "But, yeah. I came in, and she was um...very busy there, and looking straight at me with a look on her face like...like the cat that swallowed the canary."

"Or the cream," suggested Steve.

"You're disgusting."

"What? It's an expression, the cat that swallowed the cream," said Steve with an innocent face.

"That is not the expression, and please don't bring the image of...Seriously, you have to stop that or I can't finish my story."

"Please, finish the story. I really need to picture this in my mind. I mean, purely so I can make sure that, as a group, we're doing our best to make this an amazing Valentine's Day for Kelly, you know."

"Oh, right, definitely. That's mostly it anyway. She told me to come in. I came in, I saw. She freed up her mouth to ask me about the desk, and as I was answering, she went right back to what she was doing, with a sparkle in her eyes. And...I left." Jim put up his hands. "That's it."

Steve shook his head in amazement. "We'll be looking back on this for a long time. I mean, only amongst ourselves, but still...wow."

Jim laughed. "Are you kidding? We'll be at Mountain Rest together when we're ninety and still thinking about this. The nurses will say ‘Isn't that cute? They think they had some sort of Valentine's Day orgy with Ms. Kapoor from Room 302.'"

"No way," Steve protested. "Kelly will never end up in a nursing home. She's going to be one of those eternally youthful women who dies in her sleep at ninety-five."

Jim stared at Steve in disbelief. "Oh, my God! You have a little crush on Kelly!"

"Well, she's taken four losers with no dates and given them the best Valentine's Day ever, so maybe I'd just say she went straight to the top of the list of girls I'd like to spend more time with. I'm definitely going to make a point to visit her when I go to your office, maybe find out her favorite snacks, tell her I had extras of those I couldn't fit into the machine. You know, just a little something to make her feel special."

"Nice. I mean, I'm sure she'll like that," said Jim.

"Do you think it'll be weird for you guys at work after this? Will it be awkward?"

Jim thought about it for a minute. "Probably not," he said. "She's kind of hung up on this Ryan guy, and I think she made it pretty clear that tonight was a ‘let's all spread the happiness' kind of thing. Tomorrow she'll probably be back to obsessing about Ryan and, well, I'm not too likely to start pining after Kelly. I mean, not that she isn't nice, but...you know."

"Yeah." Steve knew. All Jim's friends did.

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Jeff and Dan didn't stay too long after they came downstairs, just long enough to thank Jim for the evening, get their coats, and push their phone numbers on Kelly. Dan especially made sure to tell Kelly very clearly that if Ryan didn't work out, he'd be her boyfriend in a heartbeat - but there'd be no sharing; he wanted her all to himself.

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Jim grabbed the final two coats on his way back from the bathroom; it seemed like Kelly and Steve were probably going to leave soon. He could hear Kelly talking as he came back toward the living room; he caught "...yet tonight, and it's my favorite, favorite position!" She giggled as she held on to Steve's sweater with both fists.

Jim stopped short and was considering going back down the hall when they noticed he had returned.

Steve came to grab his coat. "Hey, Jim, thanks! I guess you're clairvoyant...we were just about to take off."

"Great, okay, um...I'll see you soon?" Jim and Steve shook hands.

Kelly said, "Steve, do you just want to get your car in front of mine, and I'll follow you? That's my car there," she pointed. "I'm just going to say goodbye to Jim; I'll be out in a minute."

"Sure, Kelly, take your time."

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Jim helped Kelly into her coat.

"Thanks, Jim! Oh, my God, Jim, I had so much fun tonight! Your friends are so nice, and I didn't even feel pathetic for not having a boyfriend!"

Jim smiled. "Well, Kelly, I think you have two or three guys willing to take on the job if you just say the word. Although you'd probably have to choose just one going forward."

Kelly blushed. "Oh, my God! I know! You must think I'm such a slut now, Jim, but I swear, I've never done anything like this before. I swear, Jim, never! I mean, I can't believe I did that to Steve with all of you there, and then you and I...but, that was so much fun, Jim, you should totally have a girlfriend, because that's just a waste of talent that you don't, and then, oh, my God, I can't believe I called you in to see me with Jeff and Dan! I don't even know what got into me!"

Jim couldn't help but think of his close-up view of exactly what "got into" Kelly, and he really hoped that she wouldn't look down and notice his immediate reaction to that thought.

Kelly grabbed Jim's arm. "And Jim, please, please, please don't tell anyone about this, okay? I mean, if anyone ever heard that I had sex with four guys in one night, I'd never live it down, you know? I mean, I just doubled my number in one night! Just, please, Jim, can we keep it to ourselves? It'll be like our Valentine's Day secret!"

"Don't even worry about it, Kelly, nobody tonight will tell anybody. I'll make sure with the other guys, but I don't think they would say anything anyway. You know what they say - what happens at Halpert's stays at Halpert's."

"Oh, my God, Jim, you are just the best!" Kelly threw herself at Jim for a big hug, and then squealed. "Jim! Is that for me?" Kelly looked down at Jim's pants.

Jim's face turned red. "Sorry, Kelly, it was all that talk about sex, and your numbers, and what had gotten into you..."

Kelly giggled, "I think it's nice." She pulled him down to whisper in his ear, "Should I take care of that for you?"

Jim blushed, "I can handle this, Kelly. Although, I gotta say that a certain image of you on my desk might figure into it somewhere." Kelly put her hands up to her mouth and giggled into them. "You go have fun with Steve."

Kelly peeked out the front door to see Steve sitting patiently in his car. "You're right, I don't want to keep him waiting. But, Jim, I had so much fun tonight! Thanks for inviting me."

"Well, thanks for coming, Kelly. You really kind of made the party, you know. You're the best Valentine four guys ever had."

"I know, right?"

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Jim waved as the two cars sped off. He thought about the poker party. In his wildest dreams, he would never have imagined a party like this. If the Angela Martins of the world were right about the afterlife, Jim thought there just might be a special place in hell reserved for Kelly Kapoor and her four Valentines. It'd be totally worth it, by the way.