It was a Saturday night and Jim Halpert walked Donna Moss back to her apartment. He’d only been in town for one day and she had agreed to be his tour guide, although they both knew it was code for a date.

“So, I had a good time,” Jim said as they arrived at her front door.

“Me too,” she replied with a smile.

He leaned in to kiss her, and she appeared ready to accept the kiss until a cell phone ring interrupted them. “It’s Josh,” Donna said, with great disappointment.

“On a Saturday night?”

“I’m actually surprised it took this long. I have to go.”

“Are you sure? You could just blow him off. Pretend you didn’t get it.”

“I can’t do that,” she said regretfully.

“Yeah,” a disappointed but understanding Jim replied.

“But I can do this.” She put her arms around his neck and kissed him before walking away. “Hello, Josh. Yeah, I’ll be right there.”

It was Monday morning in the Oval Office, and Secret Service agent Dwight Schrute approached President Scott. “Mr. President, I need to speak to you.”

“What is it?” the President responded with great annoyance.

“We must revisit your protection procedures.”

“No, we must not.”

“Mr. President, working the rope line is ill-advised. I must request you stop that practice.”

“I am a man of the people, Schrute,” the President said. “Got to keep my homies pleased.” The President tried to get back to work, or at least what he considered work.

“There are so many things that could happen.”

“Like what?”

“Shooting, punching, grabbing,

“Okay, that was more rhetorical…”

“…anthrax, bird flu…”

The President got tired of this nonsense pretty quickly. “Stap it! Yap it!”

This silenced Schrute for a few moments, but it did not deter him. “Someone could have a knife and stab you.

“Don’t you do a security sweep?”

He thought about this for a moment before continuing, “Hidden knife. Maybe they swallow it and then spit it out when you appear.”

“That’s disgusting,” said an increasingly annoyed President. “Just stop. I‘m not changing my procedure.”

“Well, it’s your funeral,” Dwight said, but he was soon distracted by a visitor to the Oval Office. “Halt! Who goes there?”

“You know who I am.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I’m Leo McGarry. White House Chief of Staff!”

“How do I know you’re not an impostor?”

“Because I know the Secretary of Treasury and can have him reassign you to the First Lady’s detail in a heartbeat.”

Nobody wanted to work for the First Lady, not even Dwight Schrute. “Proceed.”

“Mr. President, we need to talk,” Leo said.

“I’m busy, Leo,” the President said as he looked down at something in his lap.

“No you’re not. You’re reading Maxim.”

“No I wasn’t,” the President said as he unsuccessfully attempted to put the magazine away without Leo noticing.

“Look, Mr. President, we have to talk about gay marriage.”

“Yuck! Why do we have to talk about that, Leo?”

“Because the Republicans are putting the Amendment on the table.”

“Can’t we just ignore it?”

“Well, if they put forward the Amendment and we ignore it, then we’ll get attacked from both the religious right and from the progressive
caucus.”

“Ugh, this is so stupid Leo. Why does anyone care?” the President asked as CJ, Toby, and Sam entered the Oval Office for the morning senior staff meeting. “I mean, if Sam and Toby just started going at it right now, why would that affect me?”

“That’ll teach me to be early for a senior staff meeting,” said a pained Toby.

“What do you think, Sam?” the President asked.

“Mr. President, let me just say, I’m flattered that you think I’m worthy of Toby, but I think the correct answer is that it would be inappropriate in the Oval Office.”

“I don’t know about that. You should’ve seen what Jan and I did over there on the Presidential seal.”

“Mr. President!” Leo shouted with disgust.

“Okay, just send someone up to the Hill to meet with both sides and tell them to leave me alone.”

“Well if we’re going to do that, then CJ, I’ll need you to hold off the press for a little bit. I don’t want any questions about this until after these meetings take place.”

“That’s gonna be pretty har… difficult,” CJ said, catching herself before she ran into the President’s favorite saying.

“I don’t care,” Leo said. “Just figure out a way to get it done.”

“You really know how to inspire confidence, Leo,” CJ cracked.

“Donna!” Josh bellowed from his office.

“What is it, Josh?”

“Where is my budget report?”

“Keep your pants on, Josh, here it is,” she replied as she walked in and handed it to him.

“Where were you last night?” Josh asked.

“I was here.”

“No, I mean when I called you. It sounded like you were outside.”

“I was just out,” Donna said, not wanting to discuss the subject.

“Were you on a date?”

“Why? Would that bother you?”

“No, of course not,” Josh replied, not very convincingly. “I just, you know, we’re really busy and I wouldn’t want you to be distracted from work.”

“We could all use a distraction from work every now and then, Josh. Especially you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, it’s going to be interesting to see how you react to this.”

“What is it?”

“Well, you know when Jim Halpert joined the staff Friday, he didn’t bring an assistant with him, so they had to reassign someone.”

“So? Why should I care about that?” Josh asked. Donna just stared at him for a moment. “Wait. You’re not telling me…”

“Yeah.”

“Pam?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’m fine. It’s no big deal.”

“It’s not?”

“Of course not. Why would it be a big deal? You know, she just works here, and I knew that, and I was bound to run into her again eventually. I’m sure she’ll do a great job.”

“Josh, you just walked in a complete circle.”

“I know that. I meant to do that. Just stretching my legs.”

“You should go talk to her.”

“Look, Donna, nothing happened. Why should I talk to her?”

“Because you wish something had happened, and you’re bugging me.”

CJ, Toby, and Sam walked into the communications office, trying to come up with a strategy for the press briefing.

“Leo is sending Josh and Jim up to the Hill to try and put a stop to this thing,” Toby reported.

“Josh and Jim? Should be some fireworks there,” CJ said.

“They’ll be fine,” Sam said confidently. “What we need to do is figure out a way to dodge questions while they’re working on it.”

“I got nothing,” CJ said.

At that moment, Kelly Kapoor walked into the communications office. “Good morning! Oh my god, everybody looks so…” but she was interrupted by the sound of Toby loudly clearing his throat. Kelly continued in a slow and stilted manner, “Everybody. Looks. So. Great. How. Are. You. Guys. Today?”

“Why is she talking like that?” CJ asked.

“Toby says I’m only allowed to say twelve words before letting someone else speak.”

“That was fourteen,” Toby said.

“Sorry.”

A light bulb went off in CJ’s head. “Hey, I think I just figured it out.”

Josh walked up to Pam’s desk. “So, when were you going to come by and say hello?”

“Hi,” Pam said sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you Friday.”

“No, it’s okay. There was no need to tell me, because nothing happened, right?”

“Well, we kissed.”

“Right, and then you told me it was a huge mistake.”

“It wasn’t a bad kiss,” Pam said with a bit of guilt. “I was just…”

“…in love with someone else. Yeah, I remember,” Josh said, trying to hide the disappointment. “How did that go?”

“It’s still pending. I think.”

“I see.”

“Josh, that wasn’t the only problem. You were in love with someone else, too.”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Think about it.”

“Michael!” a voice bellowed from outside the Oval Office.

“Oh no,” Michael muttered to himself.

“Halt! Who goes there?” Agent Schrute shouted. All Michael could hear was a loud thump, and then the First Lady was in the Oval Office.

Michael pressed the intercom switch, “Mrs. Landingham, please have someone check on Schrute.”

“How stupid are you?”

“Jan…”

“No, How stupid are you? Answer me Michael!”

“Well, that depends on what you’ve found out.”

“Does it bother you that your husband has a subscription to Maxim? Does it bother you that your husband was rumored to have an affair with a real estate entrepreneur? Does it bother you that your husband constantly makes sexist jokes? These are the questions I have to deal with every day! I’m scheduled to meet the Queen in two weeks. What am I supposed to say to her?”

“Tell her Helen Mirren was hot in that movie.”

“Michael, sometimes I just don’t know what to say to you.”

“I don’t know what to say either, except I love you, Jan!”

She looked slightly disgusted. “Whatever, let’s get to the residence. I told Mrs. Landingham to send over some vodka.” Michael just sat there for a moment before she snapped, “Come on, Michael! I have a flight to catch in two hours. I have to go to Africa to talk about starving kids like I’m some third-rate Sally Struthers.” With that, Jan exited the office and Michael slowly followed.

In the press briefing room, Kelly Kapoor walked up to the microphone. “Hello everybody. My name is Kelly Kapoor, and I’ll be filling in for CJ Cregg today.”

Danny Concannon and the rest of the press corps looked confused. Danny was about to ask something, but with Kelly speaking, he found no opportunity to get a question in.

“Oh my god! I’m doing the press briefing. Isn’t that awesome? So, okay, let’s see what we’ve got today. The president announces this new amaaazing initiative to increase private sector jobs…”

In a congressional office, Jim and Josh met up with Congressman Oscar Martinez.

“Hey Oscar,” Jim brightly said. “How’s it going, man?”

“Jim. Nice to see you again. Surprised to see you working for Scott.”

“Well, you know, it was either that or flipping burgers. Took me a couple weeks to decide.” This made Oscar laugh.

“It’s not Scott,” Josh said.

“Excuse me?” Oscar asked.

“We don’t call him Scott. He’s Mr. President.”

“Oscar, I’m sure you know Josh.”

“Let’s get down to it,” Josh said. “What do you want?”

“What Josh means to say is hello and how can we help you today?”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Well, I’m sure you guys know that the Republicans are planning on introducing the Federal Marriage Amendment.”

“It’s not going to go anywhere,” Josh said.

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s not going to go anywhere!” Josh shouted.

“Look, you guys can keep hiding behind that excuse, but we’re not going to accept that forever. The President needs to make a statement against this bill or the progressives are ready to…”

“Ready to do what? Stop supporting the President?”

“Well, that’s…”

“You’re not gonna do that,” Josh said defiantly.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not gonna do that. You want to help the Republicans keep control of Congress? Help a Republican President get elected. Of course not. And the President isn’t gonna stand by and let himself be held hostage by members of his own party!”

Oscar stood up and started packing up his briefcase. “I guess this was a waste of time.”

“Wait, Oscar,” Jim said in a more friendly tone than Josh had been using. “Don’t worry about him. Josh gets worked up sometimes. Look, I sympathize with your cause, you know that, and I promise the President, in his own way, sympathizes as well. The reason we can’t make a statement is it will only make things worse. If we make a statement, I can assure you they will put the bill to a vote. They’ll see it as a way to embarrass the President. Give us some time, and we’ll make sure the legislation doesn’t get introduced.”

“Okay, I’ll take that to the others, but it will probably only hold them off for the rest of the day, so make sure you get it done.”

“Thank you, Oscar.”

In the press briefing room, Kelly was continuing with the briefing. “And the First Lady is going to Rwanda to promote a new UN program for starving kids. That is sooooooo cool. It reminds me of Angelina and Brad, who are also awesome, but not as awesome as the First Lady.”

CJ’s assistant Carol walked up to Kelly and whispered something in her ear. “Oh my god, I guess we’ve run out of time. Wasn’t this fun? I’ll see you guys later!” Danny sat there with a dejected look, realizing he wasn’t going to get an answer to his question just yet.

Moving on to another Congressional office, Jim and Josh met up with congressman Andy Bernard.

“Rit-a-dit-dit-doo. Look at what we have here. Big Tuna and Big Burnt Burger.”

“Burnt burger?” Jim asked. “I‘m jealous. Yours is longer.”

“Yeah, the nickname thing never gets old.”

“What can I do for you?” Andy asked.

“We saw you were about to introduce the Federal Marriage Amendment,” Jim noted.

“Yup! And you care why?”

“We need you to… not do that.”

“And why am I supposed to care what you say? Your candidate lost,” he said to Jim. “In your face!”

“Well I work for the President now, so…”

“Looooo-ser!”

“Okay.”

“Look, Bernard, cut it out!” Josh shouted.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not going to submit this bigoted piece of crap,” Josh declared. If you do, I promise you’ll pay the price.””

“Says who? Your butt?”

“Look, you’ve made a lot of noise about being a fiscal conservative who won’t waste money. That’s been your bread and butter. However, I was looking at a copy of the latest budget. $25 million for an acapella museum in your district. Now, we all enjoy the acapella, but
I’m sure the voters in your district might want to know why twelve domestic abuse shelters had to close down due to lack of funding but your little museum is thriving. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re not going to submit the bill. In return, we won’t let anyone know about this funding issue.”

“You don’t scare me,” Andy confidently protested. “I was elected with 61% in my district. They love me!”

“Yeah, we’ll see how much they love you after they learn about this. And I don’t mean we’re gonna have CJ do a little press release. I mean we’re gonna find some youthful local attorney or philanthropist in your district who has an attractive wife and two adorable kids. Then we’re gonna send the President to your district to announce this guy’s candidacy. We’ll hold an event at every single one of these closed shelters, making that the top issue in your opponent’s campaign.
And when your political career is over, I want you to remember this very day. Then I want you to call me and say ‘Josh, you were right’. Here’s my number.” Josh passed him a business card.

Andy looked over to Jim, who simply smiled. Realizing he was defeated, Andy let out a shriek and pounded his fists on the table.

“I guess that means we’re done here,” Josh said as he and Jim began to leave.

That afternoon, Danny walked up to CJ in her office. “That was a clever move you did back there.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Using the new girl to stifle questions.

“Well, we like to give new people a shot,” she said, trying not to smile.

“So I guess there’s no point asking you about the President’s position on the marriage bill.”

“As far as I know, the progressive caucus is very pleased with the job the President is doing and I haven’t heard about any marriage bill being introduced.”

“Yeah, Josh and Jim are pretty good.”

“We just hired them for the eye candy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but they’re not my type.”

“Young, smart, and handsome not your type? I guess I have a shot then.”

“Good night, Danny.”

“You know, one day I’m gonna figure out how to ask her a question. Then I’m gonna figure out how to get you to go on a date with me.”

“Sounds like you have your priorities in order,” she said sarcastically.

“Well, I can just skip the first part if you want.”

“Good night, Danny,” CJ said warmly.

Leo entered the Oval Office to deliver the good news. “Mr. President, I just wanted to let you know that we were able to get the bill off the table.”

“What bill?”

Leo tried his best to conceal his increasing anger. “The one we’ve been talking…”

“Relax, Leo. I was just kidding.”

“Right.”

“Hahahaha. Got you there.”

“You sure did, Mr. President. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Leo said as he began walking to the door.

“Leo, you did great today.”

Leo turned around and humbly said, “Well, it was your idea.”

“I can say whatever I want, but you make it happen. You always have my back, and I mean that in a non-stabbing way. Thank you, Leo.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“It was a good day,” the President said. “Let’s have more days like this.”

“Yes, sir.”

Josh and Jim returned to the White House with a bounce in their step.

“Who da men?!” Josh proclaimed.

“Who da men? Is that what we do here?” Jim asked with amusement.

“Some of us,” Josh replied.

“Hey, you did a pretty good job back there. The business card thing was a nice touch.”

“Yeah, about that. The business card was one of yours.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t want that crackpot calling me.”

Nearing Josh’s office, they spotted Donna and Pam, who seemed deep in conversation until they noticed Jim and Josh walking up to them. There was staring all around.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”