October 2007- Six months 

Do not waste this evening
Baby I'm begging you
Your big imagination's playing its tricks on you
If you think my up and leaving's something I'm gonna do
Feel my chest when I look at you
Baby you

You got my only heart
Yah, you got my only heart
Yah, you got my only
Only heart

She rarely needed confirmation that Jim loved her. He was always telling her how much he was in love with her and glad that they had finally made a move in the right direction. But, every once in awhile, she felt like she needed to make sure he still felt the same way.

She never begged for him to whisper those three words in her ear. She kind of expected it, in a way. He never let the sun go down without at least expressing his love for her. It was just a part of their routine. And when Pam figured that much, she became concerned that it was just his routine and not his true feelings.

Pam’s first instinct was to separate herself from Jim. She had done it with Roy and immediately felt herself slipping back into her old life. She hated it so she tried her best to find a way to crawl back to reality. Of course, Jim noticed her indifference and asked her what was the matter.

It was late one evening as she sat at the counter in her kitchen. She was absent mindedly doodling on a napkin as Jim pulled the pizza from the oven. Her thoughts were on the fact that they had been dating only a few months and it seemed like he had lost interest. She’d never thought in her wildest dreams that she would ever be concerned that Jim didn’t love her like she loved him.

"Earth to Pam…" Jim said, waving his hand in the air. A smile spread across his face when she looked up abruptly, dropping the pen she was drawing with.

"Huh?" she said, as he chuckled. "What?" she asked, a smile playing on her lips.

He rested his hands on the counter in front of her. "You weren’t with me were you? You were like…somewhere else. It’s good to have you back," he said, slightly leaning over the edge of the counter.

She grinned and looked on as his hands inched their way towards hers. For some reason, she picked at the napkin in front of her, as to distract him, and herself, from the impending closeness.

Apparently, Jim had noticed her moment of self consciousness and furrowed his brow when he looked up at her.

"What’s up?" he asked, concerned.

She shook her head and glanced back down at the pen in her hand. Why do inanimate objects have it so easy, she thought. They don’t have to think or feel. Lucky.

"Hey," he said, all the sudden at her side, putting his hand in just the right spot. He held it firmly to her lower back as she sighed. She shrugged as to answer him.

For a long time, he didn’t bother her with questions or looks. He just waited behind her, with his hand moving slowly up and down her back as she looked straight towards the steaming Red Baron pizza on the stove. It was the only thing she could do without wanting to burst into tears. She didn’t want to have these thoughts of doubt or uneasiness. He didn’t deserve to be thrown around while she let her emotions get the best of her.

With a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jim shifted so he could look her dead in the face. "Hey, I’m here if you need anything. But, it seems like you're not in the mood to talk…so, I’m just going to go. Do you need anything before I go home?" he said, pushing her hair that covered her face behind her shoulders.

She shook her head. "You don’t have to go…" she said quietly, still not making much sense of why her hormones were acting in strange ways.

"Nah. It’s cool. You might need a night alone once in a while. I get it," he said, stepping back and slapping his hands on the cool counter top.

"Jim…" she said, turning on the stool and looking at him shuffle towards his jacket hanging on her coat rack.

He held up a hand. "No….you need a girl night. I understand. Why don’t we talk when you feel up to it?" he said, pulling on his jacket.

Pam stood and met him in the middle of the room. She swayed slightly as he found her hands and grasped one instinctively. "Goodnight. Love you. See you tomorrow," he said, pecking her lightly on the lips before finding the cold doorknob and opening the door up.

She gave him a small sincere smile before he waved and shut the chill out of her apartment. To her, the winter chill was still very much alive in her tiny living room. She just couldn’t shake the feeling.It's so hard to be so far out
Living our separate lives
Your phone was really broken
I tried your number twice
If you need confirmation, baby I understand
It's alright if you want me to
Tell you…

As she crawled into her lonely bed that night, she cried quietly, willing herself not to get so upset she would get sick. She’d done it several times after her break up with Roy and after….well, when Jim left. And when he came back…not empty handed.

Her heart stung from being so rude to Jim. Then again, she felt relieved that she didn’t have to explain herself. He just knew she wasn’t ready to explain what her problem had been. He was caring and able to take a hint that something was wrong. No matter how hard she tried to cover herself up, it was like he had x-ray vision connecting straight to her soul. He was the one man that could really read her like a book.

She fell asleep that night thinking about what he was doing at that exact moment. Unassuming to her, he was doing the same. He was resting in his bed, his hands splayed across his chest, his brow furrowed, hair messed, eyes tired and sad, and his heart pounding like an African drum.

As the sun rose, Pam’s eyes fluttered open and her body turned out of habit and found the untouched, cold, flat comforter in Jim’s place on the bed. After rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she made her way to the shower and relaxed; hoping to speak with Jim after she figured out what her problem was.

Thirty minutes into her refreshing shower, Pam heard a loud knock at her door. She jumped, taken from her day dream and deep thought. She wrapped her robe around, found the peep hole on her door and peered out. He was standing there, his eyes weary and worried, his t-shirt wrinkled and his hand resting on the frame of her door. As she pulled open her stubborn door, she revealed the lanky man leaning nonchalantly and looking down at his tennis shoes.

She opened her mouth to greet him, hoping that last nights events weren’t still hanging heavy in the air. He stepped forward, held out his hands and began speaking quickly.

"Don’t you ever answer your phone?" he asked, making his way into her apartment and pulling his light coat off and tossing it on the stool where Pam sat last night.

She watched as he made himself comfortable-like he usually did-and pulled her robe tight across her chest, suddenly feeling conscious.

"I’ve called you more than I’ve called my mother all year long," he said, pressing his lips to hers for their normal good morning kiss.

She smiled as she watched him nervously avoid the subject at hand and let him ramble about how he watched some of his Tivo-ed game last night and how he forgot to feed Gladys yesterday, their recently adopted pet gold fish. Pam giggled and finally stopped him as he paced back and forth while he made small talk.

"Hey," she said, placing a hand in the center of his chest.

He stopped at her touch, his breathing deep and slow. "Huh?" he asked, slightly stunned.

"I’m sorry about going all weird on you last night…." she started, looking at her finger tips resting on the soft cotton on his t-shirt.

"No…it’s cool. We’ve been together…what? Six months and haven’t ever had a real break from each other. It’s fine…" he started.

"I just sometimes wonder how I got to be so lucky…and then that leads me to think that maybe it’s all a dream…and then, I think, maybe it’s all unreal. So, I’m going to be honest…I have doubts sometimes," she said, his eyes blinking quickly. "But, I have to go with the cold hard facts and just know that you’re amazing…and that I love you…and that you love me just the same as you did a year ago…"

Under her hand, she felt his heart beat violently against his ribcage. He didn’t seem to care that his heart was turning black and blue from the pounding on his solid bones in his body.

He nodded. "Absolutely. Don’t ever doubt that…" he said, shaking his head as he shuffled forward towards her. She obliged and moved in closer too.

"So, you’re not mad at me?" he asked, inching closer and closer towards her sweet smelling skin.

"Not at all. In fact, I’m quite the opposite…" she smiled, chastely.

He sighed and his shoulders released the heavy weight bearing down on him. She felt it crumble away as his lips sought out hers.