Stamford Days/Merger

When he stepped foot out of the elevator and was escorted to his new desk, he saw her. She had a charcoal gray jacket tightly buttoned across her torso, her hair pinned back and a pen dangling from her fingers. Of all the things for him to notice on his first day in Stamford, it had to be Karen Fillipelli.

His immediate thoughts towards her were quickly pushed aside as he was ushered into Josh’s office and given his orientation on his new position. What am I doing, he thought. This is not who I am. I’m not manager material.

As he was sitting in Josh’s office, facing away from his new desk, his new job, his new coworkers, and his new life, he couldn’t help but remember all the old he’d been missing. He had tried his best to push those memories into a box, like he did when he abruptly packed up his room, and shoved them into a corner in his skull. That box of mental mementos were stored in a dim lit spot, duct-taped shut, and labeled, “Beware” in the far expanses of his mind.

It seemed like he was always tempted to pull the box forward and take a peek in, hoping to catch a glimpse of the old Jim that he missed. But after a few weeks comfortably sitting at his new desk, with his new friends, and with his new life, he didn’t feel that temptation creeping up anymore. He had plenty of distractions that kept him occupied. Except for a few fleeting thoughts and one fateful phone call to the Scranton branch, he had kept his distance.

He never told Karen about Scranton or how messy his life was after he announced his transfer. Of course, he knew the reasons that his life fell apart. He had caused it, hoping for good results, but ending up in a dark hole, trapped and tormented by himself.

It started like any normal friendship. He truly enjoyed being compatible with Karen and having something to make his day more bearable. She just happened to be the woman there to fix his problems at the right time. He didn’t speak much about his past, and she didn’t ask. Well, that’s how it started anyway.

After the news that their branch was being shut down instead of the Scranton branch, his perfectly constructed world began to crumble. Instead of letting it truly tear his heart into pieces, he found the closest salvation he could find. He didn’t have to beg or plead, she answered right away, jumping at any opportunity he gave her. There were no strings attached with Karen. There weren’t any fiancés or ‘I cant’s’ to get in the way.

Deep down, he knew he was hurting her when they started seeing each other. He felt so fake, so rotten, so two-faced for putting her in the position where she was his cushion. For that reason, he didn’t let her know him the way he wanted. He showed her who she expected him to be and that’s the way their relationship worked. He made her grab onto pieces of who she knew as Jim Halpert, and cling to them. He only gave her the part that was needed to satisfy her at the time and nothing more. He had nothing left to give.

The day he returned to Scranton, his heart was racing, his palms sweating and God convicting him of his vindictiveness towards Karen. Once he stepped back inside the very office that reminded him of every moment with Pam, the box tightly taped up in his mind was cut open and its contents scattered across the floor.

Whenever he found his new desk in his old office, his old job, his old life, he could only think of the girl sitting directly behind him. He couldn’t work at all when she popped into his head and when that happened, he peered up at Karen, sitting in front of him. She was sweet and kind, smiling back at him. That small action allowed him to work for a few minutes before he had to refocus again, glancing up in Karen‘s direction. He was slowly putting back those mementos and taping the box back up; slowly but surely.

As Michael attempted to bring the office closer together, and as Pam attempted to do the same with him, he mentally restrained himself from coming undone. Luckily, Karen was there to be the buffer and stand by his side. He was thankful she was there to protect his heart from being shattered again. He found comfort in her presence, even though it was for all the wrong reasons.

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

At the end of the day, he was exhausted from all the mental blockers he had put up. Pam was torturing him and she didn’t even know it. He wondered if he was torturing her too. He was for sure he was.

Jim made his way across the dark parking lot and saw her walking slowly to her car. He knew that he had to say something, anything, to make it clear. Or was it more of a test to find out how she’d react? He had no clue what her feelings were at this point. He needed to know without trying to step on her toes.

“Hey,” he said, taking long strides across the asphalt.

She stopped, and replied, “hey.”

“I thought you had already left,” he said, trying to keep the conversation rolling. He couldn’t let it stop for one moment. Then, all the sudden, he remembered where they were standing.

She seemed to have the same realization. They were standing alone, together, in the parking lot.

She replied quickly to cover her uneasiness. “Uh, no. I just had some other stuff I had to do.”

“Good,” he nodded.

“What’s up?” she asked, turning that sweet charm on with her question. He fought himself with what to say next.

“Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today or something.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, and he knew she was feigning knowledge of the situation that had been plaguing him all day long.

He had to get it out quickly, almost like ripping off a band aid, so it wouldn‘t hurt as bad. “I just think I should tell you that I’ve sorta started seeing someone, and um…” he finished, trying to concoct another phrase.

Her response shocked him. “Oh, that’s totally cool. You can do whatever you want.”

All he could muster up was, “Oh- okay. Good.” He took a step back, hoping to pull himself away from the cold forming between their bodies.

“We’re friends. We’ll always be friends,” she said, making his emotional barriers start to form again.

“Right,” he mumbled.

Before he could lose control, she sweetly spoke and knocked him back into reality. “It’s good to have you back,” she said, making his heart feel colder instead of warmer.

“It’s good to be back…” he lied. It was far from the truth. Heck, he never wanted to leave in the first place, but now that things were wrecked, he wished he’d never come back.

He was miserable. Not only for the fact that the girl that he loved was fine with his decision to try and move on but that he had another woman waiting to meet him for drinks. Jim was good at making back-up plans.

So, as he paced back towards his vehicle, he put up some solid walls and put a chain and lock around his emotions. He thought it was the best way to protect his heart from the hurt and pain that he’d felt for so long.

Little did he know, those walls were the very things that were going to hurt him the most over the next few months.