He’s a tall shadow on the cement floor, “Your eyes are red.”
She nods, not looking up. Her head a heavy weight that’s being pulled to the ground.
“Are you okay?” Like he’s a mirror or an echo.
“Yeah,” but she isn’t really and she hasn’t been for months, maybe years now.
He sits down next to her where Roy had been and she has to press her lips together to keep everything behind her eyes. He’s close, she can feel the curve of his shoulder next to hers. But she won’t look at him. She isn’t sure what would happen if she did. Anyway, she’d know his face even if she were blind.
“You’ve been crying.”
She nods again, because there’s water in her voice now and she doesn’t want him to hear it.
When she’d laughed with Roy, it felt familiar and warm. She tried to bottle the feeling inside of her, but the top wouldn’t stay on and it spilled back out of her until she was empty again, nothing but glass.
His hand’s between her shoulder blades and it makes her want to tell him that she’s so incredibly lonely all the time, that she woke up on Christmas morning and when she moved her leg over, the sheets were like ice and she isn’t sure how she’s kept breathing.
She wants to say that it’s because she loves him more than she’s ever loved anything and she helps him, because he’s her best friend and if she can’t have him as more, than she’ll take him like this. Even though the edges are jagged and it hurts somewhere deep down whenever she thinks about him.
Instead, she leans into him just slightly and feels his cheek against the top of her head.
“Oh, Pam, hey,” he says really softly and she imagines his words are clouds.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It's been too long. But tonight's episode killed me and I needed to write something. Spoilers ahead.
