"Families don't grow on trees.  Sometimes...they live in trees - like the Swiss Family Robinson.  Man.  I loved that movie. And men - apparently are in trees.  Jan makes me watch that show, but it's confusing to me.  I thought that girl on it was with Ellen..."

Michael settles behind his desk and straightens his tie.  "We will now document my search for posteriority.  Pam, start the camera."

She shakes her head and giggles as she walks behind the tripod.  "OK."

"I'll be the director."  Dwight offers as he nearly shoves Pam out of the way.

"No.  You are Assistant to the Director."  Michael corrects him.  "I am the director...and producer...and the head of the studio.  And the star, obviously."

Pam clears her throat.  "Um..Michael?"

"What?"

"The camera is rolling."

"Right.  OK.  So."  Michael sits up straighter and gives a smile.  "Today we are going to peruse my heritage.  There are many tools on the interweb to choose from...there's Ancestry.com for instance - but Pam had to ask for my credit card because they charge a fee and the point is to find my fortune, not spend one.  I mean - you shouldn't have to pay for this type of information.  Should you?  I think it should be prioritory.   So our current findings came from....what was it Pam?"

"Pedigree.com." She deadpans.

"Which is not just for dogs.  You might have thought so, but...not the case.  They actually have a database of dog owners, and through that we've found ancestors of mine who have owned dogs.   So.  Without further adieu..."   Michael waves the printout in front of the lens. 

"It appears that I am directly descended from...Randolph MacGruder Scott, from Edinburgh," As he says the words Michael does a horrible impression of a Scottish burr. "...owner of a...what else?  An award winning Scottish terrier.  Also, Bettina Scott Waldorf, probably owned that hotel in New York..."  He picks up a highlighter and swipes it over the name with a flourish.  "We need to look into that for sure."

"On it."  Dwight proclaims as he pulls a notebook out of his pocket and scribbles.

"Bettina Scott Waldorf was the proud owner of a three time champion Chihuahua.  Then there is Warren Schroeder Scott."

Dwight's head snaps up at the sound of the name.  "Did you say Schrute Scott?"

"No.  I did not Dwight.  I said Schroeder."

"It sounded more like Schrute to me."  He replies.  "And either way, I pretty sure there is a Schroeder or two..."

"Dwight.  I am not related to you."

"You could be."

"No.  I'm telling you I can't be.  I'm trying to find my wealthy relatives...not some long lost beet farming half cousin."  He sighs heavily.  "Can we just move on?"

"I still don't think you can rule it out..."

"Dwight!" 

As she watches them bicker Pam hears a soft knock on the window behind her.  She nods and Jim makes his way to the door, opening it slowly.

He peeks his head inside. "Hey Michael?"

"Jim."  Michael rolls his eyes exasperated.  "Quiet on the set.  We're filming."

"Sorry.  Can I have a word with Scorsese here for a second?"  He nods towards Pam and smiles widely.

"She's busy, Jim.  Doing her job.  Don't you have a job to do?"  Dwight interjects.

"Funny.  I could ask you the same thing."  Jim replies.  "Anyway - I thought Pam was working on helping you find a possible inheritance."

"How do you know that?"  Dwight looks at Pam accusingly.

Jim regards Dwight carefully before he replies.  "As Michael's number two - it is my job to know what is going on here at all times.  And I was coming here to tell Pam that I think I might have found one of your relatives, but if you don't want my help..."

"No!" Michael shouts, cutting him off.  "Thank you, Jim.  Come in.  Who have you found?"

"I hope you don't mind.  This was a really big project and I've been assisting Pam..."

"Pam's been assisting me."  Dwight interrupts through clenched teeth.

Jim shrugs.  "If you say so.  Anyway...I've done a few Google searches..."

Dwight snorts.  "So pedestrian. You should branch out Jim.  There are other more powerful search engines you know..."

"That's...riveting.   Michael?  I have to go make a few calls, but here's a quick list of people you might be related to."

"Jim.  This is very helpful.  Thank you."  Michael regards the sheet of paper closely as Jim gives Pam a wink and heads for the door.  Her eyes follow him until he's seated back at his desk.  She sighs as she turns her attention back Michael, who is reading the list with much ceremony.

"George C. Scott.  Award winning actor.  Very nice."   He clears his throat and moves on.  "E. Irvin and Clarence Scott, founders and creators of Scott Tissue..."

Dwight beams at him.  "As much as I hate to admit it, that one makes perfect sense, Michael.  It would mean it's your destiny to work with paper..."

"Real paper - Dwight.  Not the kind you use to wipe your...."  He shakes his head, completely disgusted at the possibility.   He regards the list again. "OK, WAIT.  This one has potential.  Coretta Scott King."

Pam bites her lip to keep from laughing.  "Michael I don't think you're related to..."

"I could be Pam.  Which would mean I was related to Martin Luther King - which you know is fitting - since we are both so committed to diversity."

He looks so happy she decides to give him at least this much.  "It would."

"Absolutely something to investigate.  Many, many possibilities.  This is all so exciting.  OK. Let's see what else."  He leans back in his chair and shuffles the papers before him.  "We have...Vivian Scott-Gould - owner of a bull terrier.  Wow, it looks just like that dog in the beer commercial.  You know.  Spuds Mackenzie.  I loved that guy.  No, it's more that I admired him. He definitely knew how to party and c'mon.  No one can deny that he had a way with the ladies."  Michael smirks, then realization washes over his features.  He stares at the paper again looking horrified.  "Wait a second.  Oh my God."

Pam looks at Dwight in confusion and then back to Michael.

"What?"

"Do you not understand what this means?" He stands and shoves the page towards them both. 

"What!?"

"Gould."  Michael's voice raises a full octave.  "Jan Levinson-Gould...Vivian Scott-Gould. My common-law wife - as Jan likes to call herself - is actually my relative Pam.  This would mean it has to end.  I mean - imagine if we had children.  They'd be mutated for sure.  I just hope it's not too late.  I mean, Jan's been packing on the pounds since she's moved in.  And I don't understand it."  He stares at Pam in earnest.  "Pam.  You're of the female persuasion..."

This cannot be good.  "Oh God..." 

"As a woman I need you to tell me.  Is it normal to eat Cool Whip right out of the tub at three in the afternoon?  Is that what you do?  Is it just at that time of the month or is this a normal occurrence?"

"I don't know Michael..."

"And I don't mean the fat-free kind.  It's the Extra Creamy.  I mean.  Ewww."  He shivers as he continues.  "She lays out my clothes at night before I go to bed.  She does laundry six times a day with some new detergent I don't like.   Everything's starchy.  I'm getting a rash I think...maybe...down there."  He whispers.  "Pam.  Did you notice anything when you walked in and saw my..."

"No. Michael."  She shivers at the memory.

"Not even a little bit...?"

"NO.  MICHAEL."

"OK."  His voice rises, he sounds positively giddy.  "But do you not understand how serious this is?  I mean, I could be sleeping with my sister or...fourteenth cousin.  Either way - it's completely inappropriate, and incestuous."

Pam tries to explain.  "Michael I don't think she's..."

"Well.  It has to stop - even if I'm not a hundred percent sure, because the risk is just too great."

"Michael, we've talked about this a million times before.  If you don't want to be with Jan - you shouldn't have to be but I'm sorry to tell you it's not incestuous.  I really doubt Jan is your sister - or even your cousin."

"But don't you see this??"  He stands up and flutters the paper wildly.  "It's right here in black and white.  It's Gould!!"

"Michael, her last name is Levinson.  Gould was her ex-husband's name."

"Oh."  Realization washes over him as he falls back in his chair, completely defeated.

"Yeah.  Sorry.  But look on the bright side."  Pam's eyes begin to twinkle as she continues.  "You might be kinda related to Spuds Mackenzie."

"Excellent point Pam."  His face brightens considerably.  "Excellent point."