June 7th 2006, 10:29 pm
“Jim.”
He stopped. Stopped and waited.
Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours.
She had said his name a thousand times before and he had pictured this moment a million more, only this time it was real and she was saying his name like it might be the last time.
He usually loved the way she said this name.
This time was different.
Because the clock was running down and it really did feel like it was the last time.
The last chance.
Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours had brought them to this place. This parking lot. On this night. As if it had been fated from the moment they met each other.
Had that much time really passed?
It was all so fast. So blurred. Jim tried to find a memory somewhere in there. Something solid to hold onto. But all he could see was the stranger who had laughed at him on that first day and the stranger standing behind him now who was saying his name like it might be the last time.
He held his breath. And waited.
Knowing already what was going to happen.
Ten minutes earlier he had slipped out of his own goodbye party without telling anyone. He had every intention of getting into his car and driving off without a single look back.
Something stopped him. Made him stay in the parking lot, leaning against the hood of his car, staring into a starless night.
Waiting for her.
As if he already knew that she would get a headache from all the monotony and noise and decide to head outside for some fresh air and not turn around when she saw him standing out there too.
It was happening like he always knew it would.
And when he had heard her quiet footsteps coming toward him he hadn’t even bothered to turn his head.
“Hey.”
“Hey, what are you doing out here? You’re missing your own party.”
His mouth turned up a bit at the corners but he still didn’t look at her. He cleared his throat, “Anything interesting happening in there?”
“Meredith offered to give Michael a lap dance.”
This made him look at her, a horrified expression on his face, “Are you serious?”
“No.” She was laughing.
He shook his head, “Don’t make jokes like that Pam. That is just wrong.”
She smiled and let out a puff of air, “Seriously though, what are you doing out here?”
He shrugged, “I don’t really know.”
She moved to stand next to him, “So…are you getting excited?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am. It’ll be nice. To get away.” He looked down, “How about you?”
“What?”
“You’ve got to be excited about the wedding. It’s only a couple days away.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Jim inhaled sharply and clenched his jaw. Pam pretended not to notice, looking up at the window in Michael’s office. Jim followed her gaze. Wondered if anyone could see them out here. Wondered what they looked like from up above.
Probably like a couple of lost idiots.
He felt angry all of a sudden.
“I’m actually surprised that you were able to make it here tonight. With all the wedding plans and all.”
He hadn’t really meant for the words to come out so bitterly. Or maybe he did. Whatever the intention, he hated how hurt her eyes were when she looked back at him.
“I… actually, everything’s pretty much done. All that’s left to do is…”
“Get married.”
“Yeah.”
Jim tore his eyes away from hers, picturing the way she would look walking down the aisle, her hair in curls, her smile lighting up her face…
“Well, for your sake I hope Dwight and Michael behave themselves.”
Pam groaned and hid her face in her hands, “I can’t believe I had to invite them. If Roy hadn’t announced the date on the booze cruise I could have lied about when it was or…”
“Sent them to the wrong place?”
“Exactly.” Her eyes lit up, “Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that before? I could have sent them to Chuckee Cheese or something.”
Jim laughed, “And you know Michael would have fallen for it.”
They both laughed at the image of Michael showing up in a suit and tie with a wedding gift to some poor unsuspecting kids birthday party.
“Oh God, what if he tries to give a toast or something?”
“I think you have to worry more about the fact that he just may try to do some more motivational dancing.”
Pam grimaced, “My little sister is going to be there. She’s too young to witness something like that… I’m too young to witness something like that.”
“Well, keep feeding him cake and maybe he’ll behave himself. You are serving ice cream cake right?”
“Oh yeah. Mint chocolate chip.”
He laughed, “As much as I would love to see Michael try to hit on one of the bridesmaid’s with his mouth full of cake…”
“I wish you were going to be there.” She tried to swallow back the words. But there they were.
The smile slid off Jim’s face, “Yeah, well…”
It fell silent again and Jim fought back the desire to turn around and bash in the window of his Corolla.
It wasn’t fair.
The past two weeks had been torturous. Their relationship had been reduced to strained hellos and goodbyes. It was the first time they hadn’t been able to just bounce back from awkwardness.
Perhaps because the moment in the stairwell had sailed past awkward and landed somewhere out of the realm of human understanding.
Neither of them knew what to do with it.
So they did nothing.
They never talked anymore and laughed even less. Jim never looked in her direction and spent more time on the phone and Pam attempted to shrink behind her computer screen so she couldn’t see him.
She was still there though and Jim knew this and used every ounce of strength he had not to think about what the end of two weeks meant. What the end of four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours meant.
And it took even more to not think about what had happened in that stairwell.
Not that he was ever successful.
The image assaulted him randomly throughout the day. Talking on the phone to a client, standing in line at the grocery store, shaving at the sink in the morning…. He would remember the way her skin had felt against his lips, the smell of her hair, the fit of her body against his.
Only the problem was, he had gone back to the moment so many times that he was beginning to wonder if it had ever been real. He remembered it now as if it hadn’t been him. He was only watching. Relegated to spectator. Nothing more.
The surreal memory came to him again in that parking lot as he leaned against his car.
Pam’s eyes were on him and he wondered if she was remembering it too.
He shuffled his feet and pushed off from the car, “I’m gonna go.”
Pam’s smiled disappeared and she pointed back toward the office, “The party…”
“I don’t think they’ll miss me. Just, tell everyone I said goodbye.” He fished his keys out of his pocket and opened up the car door.
Pam moved toward him hesitantly.
For a moment he wondered if she could actually take that step. He turned quickly before she had a chance to make the decision.
“Pam, I…” He shook his head and smiled to himself. “Being happy… It shouldn’t be so hard. I mean, we make these decisions and…”
She stared at him warily, “I am happy.”
Jim shut the car door again and took a step closer to her, “Are you?”
The discussion was starting to veer into oddly familiar territory and Pam shook her head defiantely, “Yes! I’m happy! Will you quit trying to make me feel like I’m not? What makes you so miserable?”
“We’re not talking about me.”
“Yes we are. You say it shouldn’t be so hard to be happy. Then why are you running away?”
Jim rubbed the back of his neck and let out a gasp of air, “The thing is… I already know what makes me happy. But I’m not running from it…” He caught her gaze and held it determinedly. “It’s running from me and I… I can’t…I can’t do it anymore.”
Their eyes didn’t leave each other and Pam was shaking and Jim wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull her into his arms.
He didn’t.
“What makes you happy Pam?”
She folded her arms and looked down at the ground. “I don’t… I don’t know.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled, “I have to leave.”
Pam didn’t move so he turned around, opened the door again…
“Jim.”
Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours.
He froze.
Waited.
Seconds passed. Or hours.
He was waiting for her to say something. She was waiting for him to do something.
Slowly he turned to her, his hand still on the car door. His face was expressionless.
Still waiting.
She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.
“Have a good time.”
Jim gave her a quick nod and a knowing smile.
Yes, this was the way it was supposed to happen. The way he had imagined it a million times before.
As he drove out of the parking lot he glanced down at the clock on the stereo.
10:32 pm.
It was time to start over.
But God, if it didn’t hurt like hell…
