September 1, 2006 5:36 pm.

“Dunder- Mifflin, this is Pam…. Please hold.”

Pam transferred the line and then returned to her game of FreeCell. She stared at the screen intently, sighing when she couldn’t find any moves.

Her win rate had plummeted to forty-six percent since starting the new job.

It was pathetic.

She exited the game and looked over at the door to the conference room, tapping her fingers against the keyboard impatiently. Jan was in there with a client and Pam was expected to stay until the meeting was over.

But it was Friday and she had mentally started her weekend an hour ago. It had been a long, excruciatingly boring week and all she wanted to do was curl up at home with a cup of tea and a sketch pad.

For the fifth time in an hour she glanced down at her cell phone.

No new calls. The same as usual.

It had been over two weeks since she had shown up uninvited to his house. Since she had given him her phone number and run from the room.

But he still hadn’t called. And she felt like an idiot.

Jim was right, she shouldn't have just shown up like that.

The whole thing had been a bad idea. The moment she got there she couldn’t think of anything to say and he had seemed equally embarrassed to see her. She remembered the way he had been sprawled out on his bed, his hair more disheveled than normal. And then when he had jumped up to find his shirt… Her face flushed as she remembered how dangerously low his jeans hung on his hips.

“Thinkin’ dirty thoughts Pam Beesly?”

Pam jumped and then smiled in relief, “Hey Jenny.”

“Wow, who are you thinking about that makes you blush like that?”

Pam ducked her head and tried to hide her face. Jenny laughed and leaned over the counter, “So, when do I get to meet this Jim guy anyway?”

“Never.”

“Oh, come on. I want to see if he’s really blush-worthy.”

“I’m not blushing because… never mind.” Pam turned in her chair and pretended to be busy sorting faxes.

“He still hasn’t called?”

“No.”

“You know… and this might be a little too crazy for you, so bear with me, but you could always call him.”

“No.”

“God. You do like to make things hard on yourself don’t you?”

Pam swung around, “I asked him to call me. If he doesn’t want to then he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

Jenny raised an eyebrow, “You can’t tell a guy that you want to be alone and then get mad at him because he doesn’t call. Men are confused easily. We don’t need to mess with them anymore than necessary.”

“I’m not messing with anyone.”

“Whatever.” Jenny examined her nails, “Are you ready to leave yet?”

Pam sighed, “Jan’s still in there with a client.”

As if on cue, Jan emerged from her office, laughing with an older man in a crisp business suit. She shook his hand and walked him to the elevator. When the doors closed she turned and let out a breath.

“What an ass.”

Pam grinned and opened her mouth to respond but Jan interrupted her, “You can go home now. I’ll leave the paperwork on your desk. You can come in early Monday and finish everything.” She walked past the reception area and back into her office, shutting the door behind her with her heel.

“Well, she’s warm and fuzzy, isn’t she?”

Pam boarded the phones, shut off her light and grabbed her coat, “It’s sad. But sometimes I think I would prefer my old boss. At least he made me laugh. If only on the inside.”

The two women rode down the elevator together and walked through the lobby. Jenny flung her arm up to hail a taxi and they squashed into the backseat.

“Sorry to hassle you about Jim.”

Pam shrugged, “It’s okay. It’s really not a big deal though.”

“You’re upset that he hasn’t called.”

“Yeah.” She laughed dryly, “I don’t even know why. We are just friends.”

Jenny rolled her eyes as Pam stared out the window.

It really wasn’t a big deal. He was still in Scranton. She was in New York. He couldn’t be expected to just drop everything in his life to call her. Not that she even wanted him to. All she wanted was someone...

The past two months had been nothing but one change after another and if there was one thing Pam didn’t do well, it was change. Her life had reached the level of desperation that it had for this very reason. Over the years she had just settled in, holding on as tightly as possible to everything that she knew, everything that was familiar. Even when it all felt wrong, it was just easier to leave it alone. Pray for consistency.

Looking back she even wondered if she had really meant to tell Roy that she couldn’t marry him. The words had just sort of come out involuntarily, like she was a different person for a moment. The amount of change she would actually have to go through hadn’t really registered.

But now the words were said and the changes had been made and she was in New York.

She still wasn’t happy though and she needed someone.

Jenny had been an amazing friend through the whole breakup but Pam couldn’t stop thinking about Jim. The one person in Scranton who had always seemed to just get her. In a way that she never fully understood. He could just look at her and smile or make a face and she knew exactly what he meant. Because she got him too.

Somehow she knew that he would find the right words that she needed to hear. Not that she was looking for a savior but because she was looking for that connection again. Something, anything to connect to and feel a part of again. Since leaving Scranton she just felt broken.

But it had been three weeks and he still hadn’t called.

“You planning on getting out of the cab or are we just going to ride around all night?”

Pam looked up and noticed that the taxi was stopped in front of their apartment building, the taxi driver glaring at her through the review mirror.

She blushed and opened the car door, “Sorry.”

Jenny laughed as they made their way through the lobby and up the stairs, “What’s your problem? I’ve never seen you so spacey.”

“Nothing.” She shook her head and rounded the corner. Then froze in mid-stride so suddenly that Jenny slammed into her.

“What the… oh.”

Pam’s eyes widened, “What are you doing here?”

Roy pulled himself away from the wall and took a step toward her, “I came to talk to you.”

Jenny’s eyes darted between the two as she edged around them toward the door of the apartment, “I’ll leave you guys alone.” She caught Pam’s eye to make sure that it was okay.

Pam nodded and watched until her roommate shut the door behind her. Turned back to Roy and repeated her question, “What are you doing here?”

He smiled at her, his dimples showing in his cheeks. She had always loved his dimples.

“Can we go for a walk?”

He was smiling so sincerely and there was something in his eyes like pain and Pam nodded without really thinking.

They walked back downstairs together and Roy held the door open for her, his hand on the small of her back.

Everything seemed to be falling back into place, like it was meant to be.

As they walked down the busy street Pam wrapped her arms around herself and stared intently at every crack in the sidewalk, listening to his steady breathing as he walked in stride with her.

It was five minutes before she finally stopped and placed a hand on his arm, “Roy.”

He stared ahead, avoiding her eyes, “You know, the guys would never let me hear the end of it if they knew I was here.”

“Okay.” She bit her lip in confusion.

“They told me to just forget about you. They said you weren’t worth it anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But the thing is… you are worth it.” He turned to look at her, “Baby… I miss you.”

Pam pulled away from him.

Please don’t say it.

“It’s not the same without you.”

She held her breath and waited, prayed that he wouldn’t continue. But she didn’t leave. Didn’t stop him.

“I need you.”

Pam swallowed and looked down at her feet, “Roy.”

“Please Pam. Remember? Remember how good we are together?” He moved closer until he was standing right against her, “I need you Pammy.”

She continued to shake her head, trying not to be affected by the way he was wrapping his arms around her, pulling her closer.

“I love you.”

His face was only inches away from hers. Pam shuddered and looked up, only watching as he bent closer and brushed his lips against hers.

Her arms remained folded against her chest but she sank into him a bit as he kissed her. Responded by parting her lips, letting his tongue sweep against hers.

And suddenly everything felt normal again.

She moved so that she could wrap her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to meet him halfway.

He kissed her hungrily and she responded, letting herself get pulled in and comforted. She felt safe for the first time in months and she didn’t want to let that go.

“Come back with me.”

He said the words so quietly against her mouth that she almost missed them.

“Come back.”

The reality of what was happening came to her then and she gasped, pushing her hands against his chest, struggling from his embrace. He let her go and she turned down the sidewalk, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Pam!”

She shook her head and continued on, not really caring which direction she was headed. His heavy footsteps sounded behind her and suddenly he was next to her, trying to keep up. It was then that she realized she was running as fast as she could, her blood pumping hard in her veins, her breaths coming in heavy pants.

“Hey, wait.” He grabbed her arm to slow her and she tried to shrug him off and keep running.

“Wait!” The word came out as a shout and she finally stopped to look up at him, slightly scared. But he wasn’t angry. Just confused. Like she was. Pam covered her eyes and sank against the brick wall of the apartment building where they had stopped.

“Pam, what….?"

“I can’t do this Roy… I can’t.”

He pulled her hand down and cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him, “Why not? You love me don’t you?”

She shook her head, “It’s not enough.”

“How is it not enough? I need you. We need each other.”

Keeping herself against the wall she braved a glance up at him, meeting his eyes, “Maybe that’s the problem.”

Roy stepped away and flung out his arms, “What do you want from me! What do you need Pam?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then just come back. We can work all this out. Maybe it was just too soon to get married…”

Pam laughed dryly and hung her head, “I’m pretty sure that’s not it.”

He looked at her, “So that’s the problem? I waited too long? Goddamn it Pam! Maybe I wasn’t ready to get married.”

“No. That’s the problem! You and I… we love each other but that’s not enough. Something’s always been missing. We each want different things.”

“So you’ve been completely miserable this entire time?”

“No, of course not.”

“Because I haven’t. I loved you.”

“You haven’t always acted like it.”

His eyes widened, “No. Don’t blame this on me.”

“I’m not… It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” She chewed on her lip and looked away, watching the traffic zooming up and down the street.

Roy moved toward her again, his hands coming to rest on her waist, “Come on baby. Let’s just go back.”

“No.”

He grinned and squeezed her waist, running his fingers over her ticklish spots, “Come on Pammy.”

Instead of laugher, Pam found herself on the verge of crying. Tears prickled at her eyes and she pushed him away.

“Roy. Stop. I can’t go back with you. Please don’t ask me anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because, eventually, I’ll say yes. I’ll say yes and I’ll go back with you and everything will continue on as normal and it’ll….”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’ll kill me!” She screamed the words louder than she intended, startling a couple of teenagers walking past them.

Roy finally stopped. Looked down at the way her hunched figure pressed against the wall, the way the tears were pooling in her eyes. His shoulders sagged.

They stood there in silence, both breathing heavily until Roy moved to lean against the wall by her side.

Pam closed her eyes, suddenly remembering the day she first met Roy. He had been in the fifth grade, she in the third. He had come home with her brother David one day after school to play football. Not allowed to actually play, Pam had stood on the sidelines in the back yard, watching. Roy went to throw a pass but the ball had spiraled out of control, straight at Pam, smacking her in the head. For a moment she had been knocked senseless and when she came to Roy was hovering over her, looking concerned while her brother ran screaming inside for their mom.

She had stared up at him, blinking hard, “That hurt.”

Roy had looked really upset at that moment and he muttered something about being sorry. Whether from the growing bump on her head or the sight of a tough fifth grader looking like he was about to cry, Pam suddenly burst into tears. Roy had stared at her for a moment before sniffling himself and patting her lightly on the arm.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” He continued to say these words over and over as she cried, until her mom and brother came rushing outside.

She had never told anyone that Roy had cried in that moment. She had never even talked to him about it. Wondered if he even remembered.

It was all so long ago.

In the years since, Roy had become more than her brother’s best friend who had once knocked her senseless with a football. He was her friend, her boyfriend, her lover, her fiancé...

Suddenly she hated New York and the Dunder- Mifflin corporate office and the art internship. She wondered if Michael would let her come back to work in Scranton again.

It would be easy to leave with Roy.

“It’s really isn’t the same without you.”

“Yeah.” She looked up at him and sighed. It would be so easy.

He coughed, “My mom wanted me to let you know that you could still call her if you ever needed to.”

Pam’s eyes filled with tears so she looked away, up at the flashing street sign in front of them, “Tell her thanks.”

“There are still some things of yours I found at the apartment. Do you want me to…?”

She nodded, “Yeah, you can send them to me. I’ll pay for it.”

“Alright…How’s the internship going?”

“Good. I like it. It’s interesting.”

“That’s good.”

“How’s work?

Roy shrugged and stuck his hands in his back pockets. “Fine. Michael’s still an ass. And that new receptionist is a total bitch.”

Pam smiled, “Yeah, I heard about that.”

The smile fell off Roy’s face and he looked away, “You heard about it huh?”

Pam closed her eyes and bit her tongue.

Dammit.

Roy laughed dryly, “I guess I should have seen that one coming. You and Halpert, huh?”

She grabbed his arm, “Roy.”

“No. Pam. I’m a grown up too. Remember that? I deserve the truth.” He looked down at her and Pam winced at what she saw in his eyes, “Do you love him?”

He did deserve the truth.

“No.”

He regarded her for a moment and then sighed, his shoulders sagging even further, “Could you?”

Please don’t ask me.

Pam opened her mouth, then shut it again. She didn’t answer.

Roy blew out a breath and nodded, “You know what? I don’t really want to know anyway.”

“Roy, nothing ever...”

“Don’t worry Pam, I’m not going to do anything to him.”

She cocked her head, “I know.” Grabbing his hand, she held it tightly between both of hers, “You’re a good guy Roy.”

“You’ve always known that huh?”

Pam grinned, “Yeah.”

He shrugged and pushed off from the wall, “I guess I should go.”

She nodded, dropping his hand and turning her head to smile at him. His dimples deepened in his cheeks as he gave in and smiled back, pulled his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“I’ll miss you Roy.”

“You too.” He took a deep breath, squeezed her one more time and turned toward his truck. She watched until he merged into traffic and disappeared down the street.

Her heart wanted to go with him.

She bit her thumbnail and walked back into the building. As she slowly trudged up the stairs she felt a vibrating in the pocket of her jacket. Pulling out her phone she saw that there was one missed call and a new voicemail.

Stopping at the door, she leaned against the wall to listen to the message. Not yet ready to face Jenny and explain Roy’s presence.

“You have one unheard message…. Hey Pam, it’s Jim. Um, sorry that it took me so long to call. I… uh, well… anyway, I’m having some friends over next Friday night. To play poker and stuff. I just wanted to invite you. You could bring your roommate if you want. It’s not going to be anything exciting… just… well, you know me. So, yeah… give me a call… End of message. To save this message press 2, to delete this message press 3…”

Pam closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall.

Of course. He would finally call just as she was having that conversation with Roy.

The irony of the situation was a little hard to handle.

The two men in her life both trying to get back in at the same moment.

It was almost laughable.

But not quite.

She replayed the message again, “Hey Pam, it’s Jim…” When it was over she pressed the 3 on her phone and flipped it closed.