June 2, 2007 7:48 pm

Pam had always dreamed of a big wedding. Lots of guests and flowers and music and dancing and food… the whole nine yards of wedding extravaganza. She dreamed about a long white wedding dress and a huge bouquet of lilies and walking toward her future husband with tears in her eyes. And everything would be absolutely perfect.

This was of course until she began to plan an actual wedding. When suddenly there wasn’t enough money for the perfect dress and the wedding photographer was a family friend named Stan who was known for taking blurry pictures and the bridesmaids all hated their dresses and her future husband seemed to care more about the bachelor party than picking out a wedding band.

When all was said and done, the whole thing was just a royal pain in the ass. Especially when there was no wedding in the end anyway.

Pam thought about this as she stood in the midst of the reception hall at her older brother’s wedding, surrounded by giggling bridesmaids who were strung out on champagne and loneliness and the possibility of going home with one of the eligible groomsmen.

She wondered what she ever saw in the big production of a wedding, telling herself that if she ever did decide to get married she’ll just elope. Run off with her fiancé and get married barefoot on a beach somewhere.

The idea appealed to her. Made her smile enough that her eyes crinkled and when she caught sight of her date across the room she wondered about his opinion of the subject.

He caught her eye and grinned and they nodded to each other in silent understanding.

“Oh my God, Pam. He’s adorable. Absolutely adorable. If you’re not going to go for him, you mind if I…”

“Oh shut up Jessica, it’s obvious that she’s in love with him. Besides you have a boyfriend.”

“And I’d gladly drop him for a test drive on that.”

“You want me to let Jason know?”

“If you do, I’ll…”

“Will you two shut up? So… Pam, what does Roy think about you bringing this Jim guy to the wedding?”

Pam downed the rest of her champagne and looked upward for some relief. Any act of God to get her out of the damn reception hall and away from her former classmates.

“I actually haven’t talked to Roy in awhile.”

“Really?” Shannon shook her head sadly, “I saw him a couple weeks ago. I heard he’s dating some bartender chick.” She looked around at the other girls knowingly.

“Great for him.”

“God, it must be so hard for you to hear something like that. I mean, you did almost marry the guy. I bet you’re starting to regret it huh? Roy was one of the cutest guys in high school.”

Pam clenched her jaw, “Good thing we’re not still in high school then.”

Shannon smirked and opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted as Emily pranced into the middle of the group with an overly excited look on her face.

“Oh my God! Girl talk time and no one invited me? Guys, I’m really hurt… So, what are we talking about? Boys? Clothes? Nail polish? Oh my God. I’m so excited. They came out with a new color of red. It’s called Totally Heinous Bitch. Actually, Shannon, I bet it would look fantastic on you.”

Pam bit back her laughter at the look that crossed over Shannon’s face. She grabbed her sister’s arm, “Hey, Em, why don’t you come with me to get a refill. I’ll talk to you guys later.” She dragged Emily away and let out a breath of relief.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Shannon Smithers always was a bitch.”

“I think she used to have a thing for Roy.”

“Used to?”

Pam looked back at the group with a concerned look on her face, “You don’t think Roy would go for someone like her do you?”

Emily rolled her eyes as she asked the bartender for two more glasses of champagne, “What, are you jealous?”

“No. But… I mean, Roy could do a lot better than Shannon Smithers.”

“Well, if it means anything, I would have to say that not even Roy’s dumb enough to hook up with any of those girls.

Pam smiled and Emily watched her out of the corner of her eye, “So, have you talked to him lately?”

“Not since he came to New York that one time.” She looked around at the clustered groups of her family and old friends, “Leslie and Sam could have invited him. I wouldn’t have minded…”

“Okay, sure. I’m sure that’s just the kind of awkwardness that they wanted at their wedding. Besides, if Roy had come, he and Jim probably would have exchanged words and then they would have dueled and your pretty boy date’s face would have been ruined.”

“Jim is not a pretty boy.”

Emily surveyed him from across the room, “Maybe you’re right…. Yeah, he’s really not all that attractive.”

Pam’s smile dropped a little, “What?” She shook her head, “Umm, you don’t think he’s…”

“I don’t know.” Emily took a sip of her champagne, “He’s got that whole tall thing going for him but… meh.”

“Meh? Are you kidding me? He’s… Jim’s… I mean maybe it’s not something you see right away but sometimes he just smiles at you and it’s like everything gets a little warmer and…” Pam stopped short at the smirk on Emily’s face. “I hate you.”

“Wow. You are so far gone.”

“I am not.”

“Everything gets a little warmer? I never heard you talk about Roy like that.”

Pam bit her tongue.

“I do have to admit. Jim’s got a lot on your former fiancé. I don’t know him very well but he’s got a certain quality…”

Pam allowed a smile to cross her face, “What certain quality?”

“Hmm, long fingers.” Emily wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Pam choked over her champagne and stared at her sister, “Excuse me?”

“Oh come on. Like you haven’t thought about it.”

A deep red spread over Pam’s face and Emily laughed loudly, “I knew it!”

“Shh…” Several people turned to them curiously and Pam ducked her head, “Will you stop? Jim and I are just friends and I’m tired of people implying otherwise.”

“Just friends.” Emily snorted, “Sure. And that’s why you guys couldn’t take your eyes off each other during the entire ceremony.”

Pam shook her head, “Alright, I’m leaving now.”

“Fine.” Her sister’s face suddenly dropped a little and she cocked her head to the right, “Why don’t you go talk to David?”

Pam looked and saw their brother leaning against the wall near the DJ. She felt her heart constrict a little. David had been Roy’s best friend ever since fifth grade and he hadn’t responded well when the wedding had been called off. In fact, the two siblings hadn’t spoken so much as three words to each other since the past June. He hadn’t shown up to Thanksgiving and at Christmas they had avoided even looking at each other. The whole family was feeling the effect and Pam knew that someone would have to give at some point.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Emily sighed in frustration, “The two of you are acting like five year olds. Just get over it.”

“I’m not the one…” She stopped when Emily held up her hand.

“I don’t want to hear it. Now get yourself over there and be a grown up.”

“You sound like mom.”

“Thanks. Now go.”

Pam turned and took a deep breath. She began walking toward her brother but stopped at the last moment and veered off to the bathroom. It could wait a few more minutes.

Not that he would have ever even considered turning her down.

Because God help him, over the past year he had fallen even more in love with her.

He wondered sometimes if there was a limit to how much it was possible to love a person. If there ever came a point where it just became too full, too much… But then she would smile and wink at him and he would know with complete certainty that love was actually bottomless and that if he lived his entire life with this woman he would never get enough of her.

Not that she was ready to return that sentiment. Not that he would ever dream of pushing her.

But it didn’t help that she had slipped ever deeper into his life, filling into all the little cracks and leaving traces of herself in everything she touched.

At night after hanging up the phone he would still hear her laugher in his ear and it was hard to sleep because he liked to imagine that she was there, in his arms, her head on his pillow.

Sometimes when she came to visit and it got too late she would sleep on his couch and in the morning he would hear her in the bathroom and something about that seemed perfect to him. It happened often enough that sometimes he would find her shirts in his laundry and it made them both smile when he gave them back because when she wore them she would smell like him.

He tried not to leave too many things at her apartment because she had a tendency not to give them back but one time he had seen her wearing his old Scranton St. Patrick’s Day shirt so he didn’t really complain.

It was times like that when he had a difficult time not telling her everything he felt.

Because he knew that she felt the same.

He could see it in her eyes but there was also hesitancy there so he didn’t say anything. The silence continued and he waited…

Coming to her brother’s wedding was still a bad idea. And not just because her other brother had been shooting him daggers all day.

No, it had more to do with the fact that Pam was on bridesmaid duty and he had barely gotten a chance to talk to her since the ceremony. Occasionally he would look up from a conversation and she would catch his gaze and roll her eyes a little and he couldn’t wait to take her aside and maybe ask her to dance.

He had always found her to be beautiful, had always loved her hair and the fact that she didn’t spend so much time on her makeup. Her smile was enough to light up a room and make his palms sweat. But today she was incredible. As a bridesmaid she was wearing a pale pink, spaghetti strap dress that showed her slim shoulders. Her hair was in loose curls around her face and she was wearing a light shade of shimmering pink lip-gloss.

Her words before the ceremony came back to him then:

“Emily made me put some of her lip gloss on. Does it look ridiculous?”

He shook his head, “No. You look… nice.”

Pam smiled and her tongue darted out to touch her lips, “It’s vanilla flavored.” She giggled, “Part of me just wants to lick it off.”

Jim wondered if Pam was aware of the effect her words had on him. It was a little hard to hear those flirtatious words coming from her mouth and not pick her up and kiss her senseless. Sometimes though, he liked to think that she knew exactly what she was doing.

“How are you enjoying yourself?”

He looked up as Pam’s mom walked over to him with a smile on her face.

“Great. Thanks. It was a nice wedding.”

Lynn smiled, “I thought so too. Leslie’s parents did a pretty good job. Although, I have to admit that I was thankful to be the mother of the groom this time.” She stopped herself, “Well… you know what I mean.”

Jim nodded and accepted a glass of champagne from a passing waiter.

“How’s work going?”

“It’s fine. Thanks.”

“Hmm. Did Pam ever mention the fact that I’ve been teaching for the past twenty-five years?”

Jim froze with the glass halfway to his lips.

Of course. A knowing smile crossed his face and he shook his head, “She has actually.”

Lynn smiled, “After my children, it’s been the most rewarding experience of my life.”

“I bet it has.”

“If you ever wanted to hear any stories, talk about it, anything… I’m always available.”

Jim laughed, “That daughter of yours isn’t anything if not persistent.”

Lynn tilted her glass toward him, “Don’t forget stubborn.”

“Don’t I know it.” Jim glanced around the hall again with a smile. Pam had been bugging him for months about teaching. E-mailing him articles, slipping little comments into their conversation, leaving brochures for credentialing programs in his bedroom… It would have been annoying, aggravating really, if it weren’t for the fact that he had actually begun to read the articles and glance through the brochures and listen to the comments. Not that he was ready to tell that to Pam.

“She cares about you.”

Jim nodded but decided not to say anything. Lynn smiled and eyed him out of the corner of her eye, “I don’t pretend to know everything that goes on in my children’s lives. They do things that I’ll never understand sometimes. But I’ve learned to live with it, stay out of it. Much less messy that way. And Pam…” she paused and took a deep breath, watched with a smile as her youngest daughter led the kids around the dance floor in a conga line. She turned to face him.

“She’s happier now with her new job and the move, than she’s been in a long time. And whatever part you played in that I just want to say thank you.”

Jim shook his head and stared into his glass, “She didn’t need me to do it.”

“No of course not. But I’m thanking you anyways. And I advise you to just accept the thanks. I can be just as stubborn as my daughter.”

“Alright. Will do.”

“Good… Now, tell me. What grade are you interested in teaching?”

“Hey.”

She turned and leaned against the wall next to her brother. He stiffened and continued looking out toward the dance floor.

“How’ve you been?”

“Fine. You?”

“Good.”

Pam paused as David purposely directed his gaze away from her, locking his eyes on a patch of floor by his feet.

“That was a great toast you gave. I…”

“Pam?” He looked up at her with a shake of his head, “Don’t.”

Her shoulders sagged. “What?”

“Don’t pretend like everything’s normal between us.”

“Why not?”

David pulled himself off the wall and took a step away. “Because, it’s not.”

Pam wasn’t going to let him get away just like that. She knew that the words needed to be spoken, “You can’t hate me for this.”

His eyes darkened and he scanned the room, his eyes landing on where his mom and Jim stood talking together at the edge of the dance floor. He pointed his thumb, “Everyone seems to love your new boyfriend.”

“He’s not my… You know what? I don’t have to justify him to you. I don’t have to justify myself.”

“Right.” He gave a curt laugh, “No need to justify cheating.”

Pam’s eyes widened, “Cheating? Is that what Roy told you?”

“He said there was something going on between you and some guy from work.” David shook his head, “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she pursed her lips in frustration, “You’re my brother. How could you think those things about me?”

His face softened slightly when he saw the tears in her eyes and he sighed in resignation, “I don’t really know what to think.” He rested his hand on her shoulder, “Come on Pam. The guy loves you. He misses you.”

Pam closed her eyes, “I miss him too.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s not that simple David.” She took a step away and tried to clear her thoughts. Tried to think of a way to make her brother understand, “It’s got to be about more than missing each other. I wasn’t… I wasn’t always happy when I was with Roy. When I was in Scranton. I needed something more…”

“Jim?”

“No, not necessarily. I needed… I don’t know… something…” Her voice trailed off and she stared down at her feet, scuffing the floor with the heel of her shoe. David continued to watch her, folding his arms over his chest.

“Are you still in love with Roy?”

Pam closed her eyes. Tried to picture him in her mind. All she could come up with was the image of him at ten years old, looking down at her with tears in his eyes.

“No.”

“Are you in love with this other guy?”

“I don’t… I don’t know…” she said in a whisper.

“Well, maybe you should make up your mind.”

Pam looked up at the sharpness in his voice, “What?”

“You know, before you step all over someone else’s feelings.”

Her mouth dropped open as he stared coldly at her. She shook her head, clenching her jaw and breathing hard through her teeth.

“Fuck you.”

David looked slightly started but Pam didn’t wait to hear what he had to say. She had had enough and with that she turned around and walked as fast as she could to the back door of the hall, slamming it as she went out.

He watched as she walked across the hall, exiting through the same door Pam had moments earlier. He could see David skulking in the corner and had to fight the desire to go and punch him in the face.

“She’ll live.”

He turned around to see Emily with her hands on her hips, a knowing smirk on her face.

“My sister’s not going to break. She’s stronger than anyone gives her credit for.”

Jim nodded with a smile, “I know.”

“And David? He’s always been a little shit. Eventually, he’ll get over it.”

“Good.”

Emily sighed and grabbed his hand, “Come dance with me.”

“Umm….”

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to try and seduce you. I wouldn’t do that to Pam… Besides you’re totally not my type.”

He smiled, “Okay then.”

They joined the other couples on the dance floor swaying in time to the music.

“So, what exactly are your intentions with my sister?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play dumb. You’re in love with my sister. And I want to know what your intentions are in that.” Emily looked up at him expectantly and Jim scratched his face. It was better to just pretend that he didn’t know what she was talking about but she continued to eye him and he had the uncomfortable sense that his face was betraying his feelings.

She rolled her eyes, “Have you ever actually told her how you feel?”

He had to admire her directness. With a shake of his head he admitted defeat. “She knows.”

“Okay… and obviously you don’t know my sister as well as you think you do if you think that’s enough.”

Jim looked over the top of Emily’s head, in thought. Maybe that was true. He thought about the Booze Cruise for a moment. It had to have been blatantly obvious what he had wanted to say. But that hadn’t been enough. In the parking lot on the night of his going away party he had practically told her that he was leaving because she was getting married.

Maybe it wasn’t enough.

“What you really need to do is just lay one on her.”

He quirked an eyebrow, “You think so?”

“Oh yeah. She’s obviously in this horrific state of constant indecision so she’s not going to do anything. So… it’s up to you.”

Jim nodded. The chances that he would actually take Emily’s advice was slim. He really didn’t think he would have ever the balls to just… kiss her.

But the thought was appealing.

“She wasn’t going to marry Roy, you know.”

“Huh?”

“They were never really going to get married. I knew that from the beginning. Of course, I was a little worried when we were two days away from it and neither of them had called them off… but I knew it would never happen.”

“How did you know that?”

“She’s smarter than that… And if it had actually gotten to the point where she was going to walk down the aisle, Sam, Leslie and I were going to grab her, throw her in the trunk of her car and drive her to Canada until she came to her senses.”

Jim held back a laugh, “If you all felt that way, then why…”

“Beesly Stubbornness. You should know by now that you can’t tell that woman to do anything.”

­­­­­­­­­­­

“Yeah… I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

Pam shook her head and leaned back against the railing of the steps leading to the parking lot, “Your son is a jackass.”

Lynn tilted her head to the side, “Don’t worry about David. He’ll come around. This hasn’t been easy on him.”

“Oh, and it’s a piece of cake for me to start my life over?”

“Of course not. I think the two of you just need to try and understand each other.”

Pam shook her head, feeling the anger welling up inside her chest, “Well, I don’t want to understand him.”

“He’s your brother.”

“He thinks I cheated on Roy! What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I think he knows you better than that. It’s just going to take some time. Have some patience.”

“I don’t… Dammit.” Pam dropped down to sit on the top step, resting her head in her hands. Sometimes her mother’s unfailing rationality was infuriating.

Lynn moved to sit, draping one arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about it right now.”

“How can I not?” She bit her lip, Sometimes I feel like I ruined everything… I feel like…” She rubbed her temples, “I’m so fucked up.”

Her mom’s eyebrows went up and Pam sighed, “Sorry. I just… everything was so much easier a year ago.”

“That may be true. But would you want to go back?”

Pam turned her head and regarded her mom with a thoughtful stare. Would she go back? Would she really give it all up to be back in a time where she at least knew the direction her life was going? The previous year had been a blur of tears and frustration and heartache. But in the midst of all that…

When the internship was over she had quit her job at Dunder- Mifflin to take an equally low paying job at a publishing house. Still a receptionist but she was taking art classes and collaborating with Jenny’s friend Rebecca on a new children’s book and for the first time she felt like she really had the chance to move up.

Jenny had moved in with John a few months earlier and Pam had found herself, for the first time in her life, living alone. Of course, she was in a one bedroom, cramped apartment run by a landlord who didn’t seem to care when her hot water wasn’t working. But she was on her own and there was something so liberating about coming in at night and snuggling up on the couch to watch whatever she wanted.

Then of course, there was Jim.

If there was ever any doubt that they could have a relationship that extended beyond the office, it had been wiped away. In the past few months he had quickly solidified the title of her best friend and though they joked about being BFF’s Pam knew that there was no one in the world she felt as close to as him. No one in the world that she felt so… comfortable with.

At first she had been scared to let him take up such a large part of her life. But the closer they got, the more completely right it felt.

With Roy it had been different. With Roy she had felt like she needed him to survive. He was her support. Her lifeline. Her everything. And when he was gone all she could do was fall…

Jim was supportive too of course. He always had been. The difference was though that he gave her strength. He let her stand on her own.

There was something so essentially exhilarating about being independent and still being able to love someone so completely.

Not that she loved Jim…

Although there really was no denying the way a simple touch or smile from him could turn her stomach all warm and wobbly.

Despite every painful thing from the past year she couldn’t give up those feelings.

“I guess not.”

Lynn smiled encouragingly, “Jim’s a nice guy.”

“Yeah, he’s great.”

“You’ve been seeing a lot of him lately.”

“Mom.”

“I’m just saying...” She reached over and cupped Pam’s chin in her hand, “I like seeing you smile again.”

Pam managed a half grin and rolled her eyes, “Nothing’s going on between us.”

“Hmm.”

“What? I’m serious.”

“I know you are… I just want to make sure that you’re not being too cautious here.”

Pam threw up her hands, “What do you want me to do? Steal him off to some remote corner somewhere and declare my undying love?”

“No. I want you to figure out what makes you happy and just… grab onto it. Sometimes it’s that simple.” She gave her daughter a smile, “It doesn’t always have to end like it did with Roy.”

Pam swallowed, “I thought I loved Roy. What if… what if Jim and I do get together and it doesn’t work out? What then? All I’ll have is another broken heart and I’ll lose my best friend.”

“Stop thinking so hard. When I met your father there were a millions reasons why I should have stayed away from him. There were a million reasons why it could have ended disastrously. But I realized that I had to let those fears go and just… love him. And I think that it all worked out pretty well, don’t you?”

Pam smiled as she thought about her parents’ marriage, the way they played off each other in everything they did. When she was younger she had liked to think of them as two pieces of a puzzle that just fit together perfectly. She had always wanted someone that she just fit with. Not someone to complete her or match her because she knew now that the idea was absurd. But someone to fit her. Like her parents fit together.

Lynn placed a kiss on her daughter’s head and stood up, “Don’t be afraid to take a chance on something sometime sweetie.”

The words were familiar and Pam shook her head, “Thanks mom.”

“Mmm Hmm… And Pam?”

She looked up at her mom expectantly.

“You’re not fucked up.”

Jim choked as the champagne caught in his throat. He coughed and sputtered, “No sir.”

Luke Beesley nodded sharply and Jim wondered briefly if it was possible to run screaming out the door without causing too much embarrassment for Pam.

“Then you have no idea where I’m coming from. You don’t know what it’s like to be a father and see your child in pain. My daughters… and my sons are very important to me. I don’t want to ever see them hurt.”

“Of course not.”

Luke regarded him for a moment, “Good.” And with that he turned and walked away.

Jim stood there for a moment, his face frozen in a mix of confusion and slight terror.

“The fish was not that bad.” Pam sidled up to him with an amused look on her face.

He laughed, “Oh, uh… no, it’s not that.” He looked down at her and smiled, “The fish was great.”

“Not soft shell crab but…”

“Still good.”

“Right.” Pam grinned and peered around him to see her dad and her uncle laughing about something. “I saw you talking to my dad.”

“Yeah…”

She noticed the look that crossed his face, “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing.”

“Jim… did he say something? Because, I told him….”

Jim shook his head, “No. He uh, he told me that I should ask one of the bridesmaids to dance.”

Pam held back a smile and arched an eyebrow, “Yeah? Which one were you thinking about?”

“Hmm.” He searched the crowd, “I was kinda thinking about that shorter, blond one with her hair up in that barrette thing. What’s her name?”

“Katie.”

He looked down at her, “Seriously?”

Pam watched her brother and new sister- in -law circling the dance floor together, “It’s an ironic world isn’t it?”

Jim followed her gaze, “Seems like they’re happy.”

“Yeah, well… I always knew they would get married. And they’ve been together forever so it’s about time.” She got a faraway look in her eyes, “They’ll be happy though.” She shook her head and looked up at him, “So… who did you decide to dance with?”

“Well, I would ask you but I’ve got this sneaking suspicion that you’ve got two left feet.”

Pam’s mouth dropped open in mock shock, “So not true. Besides… I didn’t step on your feet the last time we danced did I?”

Jim looked at her curiously, “We never danced.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Swaying is kinda like dancing isn’t it?”

A large smile spread across Jim’s face, “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

Without another word she reached down and slipped her hand into his, leading him amongst the other couples. When they got to the middle of the dance floor she turned, keeping one hand in his, the other resting tentatively on his chest.

His heart was pounding.

She smiled up at him and stepped closer.

He tightened the grasp on her hand and circled his arm around her waist, pulling her closer so their bodies were flush against each other.

Her breath hitched.

They fit.

He grinned back down at her as they began moving in slow circles and she could feel a familiar heat begin to spread from her stomach to her toes. Her fervent prayer was that it didn’t reach her face. For god sake, she was twenty-six years old. She didn’t need to be blushing at his closeness.

The song changed then and they both looked up to see what would play. As if somehow it would matter.

When the opening bars of Cindy Lauper’s “Time After Time” came straining through the speakers Jim pursed his lips and cocked his head to the side, “Huh, great song.”

Pam giggled and ducked her head against the lapel of his suit, “This is horrible.” She could feel him shaking with laughter and stole a look back up at him. He just shook his head and rolled his eyes upward.

“This is why I’m not having a DJ at my wedding.”

“ Really? And what kind of music will you have?”

“Kevin’s Steve Miller Tribute Band.” He nodded at her seriously when she made a face at him. “Actually, I guess it’s a Police cover band now. They call themselves Scrantonicity. And I’m completely serious. I’ve heard them. They’re not bad.”

“Okay. Good luck with that.”

“Oh, like you could do better.”

“Better than Scrantonicity? Probably. But… I’ve actually decided to got forego the whole wedding thing. Elope. Get married on a beach somewhere. So much simpler.”

Jim grinned, “I like that idea.”

Pam caught his eye and swallowed at the unspoken words that passed between them in that moment. She pictured him barefoot on the sand and something in the image made her want to cry. It caught for a moment in her throat and she settled her head on his chest so he couldn’t see the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes.

It wasn’t sadness. Just a deep welling of feeling. For a long time she had forgotten that it was even possible to feel like that. To feel so deep and real.

She closed her eyes and smiled when she felt his lips brush over the top of her head. Didn’t have to look up to know that he was smiling too.