February 2, 2006, 3:45 pm

“Dunder- Mifflin, this is Pam.”

Out of the corner of her eye she could see him look up at her with that face. The one that displayed something like pity.

“Uh, hold please.”

Pam transferred the line and hung up the phone. Looked toward Jim’s desk. He had already turned away from her and was watching his computer screen with a certain amount of scrutiny. She let out a breath and looked at the clock. And hour and fifteen minutes left to go.

It had already been a brutal day.

The rest of the office must have been feeling the same because things were relatively quiet for the next hour. Michael stayed in his office, Pam got all her faxes out and Jim remained at his desk without once getting up to talk to her.

She watched him as she answered the phone and highlighted important memos. Watched and wondered. Tried to ignore the emptiness closing in on her heart.

At 4:45 she looked up to see Jim walking toward the copier and decided that she didn’t want to leave things unfinished before he left for the day.

She picked up a pile of papers that needed to be copied and headed toward him. He gave her a half smile as she leaned her shoulder against the wall and folded her arms over her chest, “Some day huh?”

Jim closed the copier and hit the button to print. Scratched the back of his head, “Yeah. Maybe a little bit too much like sex education day in junior high though.”

“Just a lot more uncomfortable.”

He laughed, “Yeah.”

Pam put her head down and shifted the weight on her feet, “Jim, I…”

“Pam, listen…”

They looked up at each other and laughed.

“You first.”

Jim stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the copies being made, “I just wanted you to know. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“No. I know. It’s fine. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“Yeah.” They nodded at each other until Pam looked away toward Michael’s office.

“Um, what were you going to say?”

“Oh. Nothing. Just that.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled. Trying to be convincing.

“Okay.” Jim grabbed his papers, tapped her on the shoulder with them and walked back to his desk. Pam let out a deep sigh of relief and moved to stand in front of the copier.

Yeah, some day.

Some week.

No, to tell the truth, the entire year had already been a rollercoaster of emotions. Up and down. Up and down. And they were only two months in.

How would she survive the next ten?

2006 sucked.

The moment on the deck of the booze cruise with Jim, Roy setting the date, Michael’s bizarre foot injury, Jim’s old crush, the realization that it wasn’t so old, the internship. All the events fuzzed together in some sort of surreal reality. Had they really happened?

Pam could hardly process what it all meant. Could hardly process what it was she even wanted anymore.

She wanted to get married. That of course she had always known. From the time she and her little sister had run around the house wearing pillowcases as veils and wearing gaudy, plastic rings. When Roy proposed she had been showered with images of flowers and wedding dresses and cake testing and everything else a wedding entailed. Three years later it had all become a hazy, unreachable dream. But now it was all becoming real.

Too real.

Roy’s drunken declaration on the booze cruise has caught her off guard. Shocked her into a complete joy she hadn’t felt in a long time.

June 10th.

Everything was falling into place.

Yes. Falling was the right word. She had that odd, butterfly like feeling in the pit of her stomach. Like those falling dreams she had every once in a while.

That’s what it felt like. A falling dream.

The complete joy had worn off. Now she was falling and afraid of where she would land.

It confused her beyond anything she had every known. After all, Roy was the man she loved. Roy was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Right?

If so, then why did something feel so wrong about it?

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Roy wasn’t always the one she was walking down the aisle toward in her dreams.

That was definitely wrong. So, so wrong.

Still… every so often she found herself reliving that moment on the Booze Cruise. The deafening, roaring silence that felt like an eternity. The way he looked at her.

And the worst part about it was that she knew. Knew that if Jim had said what he wanted to say that night it all would have turned out differently.

If he had kissed her, she would have let him.

Pam didn’t like to think about what that meant.

The simple fact remained that he didn’t. He didn’t say anything. He never said anything. And now she was marrying Roy on June 10th.

Four months.

There wasn’t time for an internship. There wasn’t time to think about the future. She had to write up a guest list and find a place for the reception.

She had to stop wondering what it was he would have said that night.

Pam stared blankly at the copier. Her pulse quickened as she imagined the words coming from his mouth. Or maybe he would have just leaned down… closer….

Confirming everything she had ever suspected.

Michael’s inability to keep any kind of secret really hadn’t revealed anything earth shattering. The booze cruise, the crush, the looks. It all fit together like a neat little puzzle.

Jim had a crush on her. And maybe he always had.

She wondered why. Why someone as amazing as Jim would waste the time.

It was flattering. Frightening.

Somehow it opened up this whole new door of possibilities.

Not that those feelings were reciprocated. Because they weren’t. She loved Roy.

Pam repeated the words over in her head as a daily mantra.

I love Roy. I love Roy.

Jim’s words were there too.

That’s great. I think you should do it.

Maybe she could. It wasn’t too late to move back the date of the wedding. Just a little. She could take that internship and go up to New York on the weekends. She could find a way to make all her dreams work.

She swallowed hard and forced herself to breath.

Reassurance. She needed reassurance. Needed someone to tell her that she could do this.

Pam looked up at Jim’s desk. Needing his quick smile. But when her eyes reached his desk the expression fell from her face. He was already headed toward the door, his back to her. She watched him leave the room. Something in her heart was sinking.

What was the point anyway?

She punched the print button and remembered the pity that had been in his eyes. No. She didn’t need someone to pity her.

That’s what it was. He pitied her. Felt sorry for her. Felt the need to be her knight in shining armor.

Well, she didn’t need a knight in shining armor. She didn’t need pity and she didn’t need someone telling her that she could do better.

She was fine with her choices.

And she was.

They had already been made. There was no turning back.

When she finished at the copier Roy was already standing at her desk waiting for her.

“You ready?”

“Yeah.” She quickly boarded the phones and grabbed her purse and coat. Roy held the door open for her, his hand on the small of her back. There was something comforting in that.

“Hey babe, about that internship thing.”

“No, it’s fine.” Pam shrugged and stepped into the elevator, “It’s not a big deal.”

“No. I just had a really crappy morning and Michael was being a jackass. If you want to do it, I guess it’s fine.”

She looked up at him and smiled, slipped her hand into the crook of his arm. “Thanks. But, um, I was thinking about it and you’re right. It’s not the right time. Besides, we have a wedding to plan, right?” She gave him an excited grin and he laughed.

“You’re not going to turn into one of those crazy brides on me are you?”

“No. I want to plan this together. It’ll be fun.”

Roy grimaced, “Oh, come on baby. It’s not really my thing. You’re better at that kind of stuff.”

Pam bit her lip and shrugged, “Fine. You can be in charge of the music. How’s that?”

“I can handle that. I think Darryl’s brother might know a guy.”

“Oh. That sounds… nice.”

She followed him out through the lobby to the parking lot where night had already begun to fall.